In my work as a family systems therapist, I regularly encounter what grown children and parents want to have with each other a good relationship. And very often this becomes impossible. Especially in the relationship between mother and daughter.
What is the reason that communication between mother and grown daughter does not work out as we would like?
The most common mistakes made by mothers
- Perception adult daughter like a little child.
Very often, a mother continues to perceive her adult daughter as a little girl who does not understand anything and cannot cope with anything herself. Based on this perception, the mother builds communication with her daughter as with a little girl. At the same time, the mother does this so unconsciously, out of good intentions, that she sincerely does not understand why her daughter is dissatisfied.
Why does a mother continue to see her daughter as small?
There are several reasons. The main ones:
- The mother's fear is that the daughter, having felt independence, will leave, and the mother will be left alone, without her. There will be a feeling of uselessness, abandonment, abandonment. It's very scary!
Therefore, the mother unconsciously begins to show her daughter that she is still small, cannot do something, does not know how to do something, but she, the mother, is well versed in this, knows better and knows how to do it. Thus forming in the daughter the feeling that " I can’t cope with anything on my own without my mom.”, which means you need to “hold on” to your mother. But my adult daughter already wants independence. And then she has an internal conflict and difficulties in communicating with her mother.
- Fear of old age and death.
Very often in my practice I come across the fact that mothers have the feeling: the younger the children, the younger I am. As soon as the daughter grows up, the feeling of “I’m old” arises. And I really don’t want this. Therefore, the mother unconsciously begins to keep her daughter for herself in the form of a little girl. And then he feels young inside. At the same time, my daughter has already developed a fear of growing up. Therefore, she unconsciously begins to play along with her mother, remaining small. But the daughter’s internal need for independence and autonomy is not satisfied. And difficulties in communication are inevitable.
- Lack of recognition of the daughter as a separate person.
Growing up, the daughter has already formed her own vision of life and the situation. You have your own experience, your own opinion, your own ideas, your own knowledge, your own desires. And they can be very different from the mother’s ideas.
For example, a daughter met a man whom she loves. Builds relationships with him the way they like. Feels happy. And the mother has her own ideas about what her daughter’s man should be like, how they should live so that her daughter is happy. And then the mother begins to interfere in her daughter’s life with her ideas. At the same time, she does this with the best intentions, not paying attention to the fact that her daughter is already happy. The daughter is torn between her own happiness and her mother’s ideas about happiness for her daughter. An unpleasant situation that leads to difficulties in communication between mother and daughter.
The main reasons that a mother does not recognize her daughter as a separate person:
- Unfulfilled dreams of a mother.
Very often a mother wants to realize her dreams through her daughter. That is why, in childhood, the child is taken to clubs and sections that the parents like, and not where the child would like. For example, a mother took her daughter to learn to play the piano. Great instrument, great teachers. Only the daughter finds no pleasure in these activities, no matter how hard her mother tries to persuade her. The girl dreams of quickly completing her training on this instrument and abandoning it.
The same thing continues into adulthood. The mother is busy making her dreams come true through her daughter. And the daughter, out of love for her mother, tries to please her in this. But at some point it will become very difficult for the daughter and difficulties in communication are inevitable. Too many grievances and complaints will accumulate. This will interfere with communication.
- "The truth is always the same."
The mother's internal distorted idea that there can only be one truth. And, if the daughter’s ideas differ from her ideas, then someone here is definitely wrong. And I don’t want to be wrong. Therefore, the mother begins to insist on her own, and the daughter tries to defend hers. And in this interaction there is a struggle for the right to exist. But there really is no winner or loser here. Both lost. I know a lot of examples of how a mother and daughter do not communicate for years, while both suffer. Distorted ideas that there is only one truth, and it is mine, do not allow these women to hear each other and see that everyone has their own truth, and if ideas differ, this does not mean that only one opinion has the right to exist.
- Competitions with my daughter.
Very often in practice I see that a mother unknowingly gets involved in the competitive process with her daughter. For example, a daughter calls her mother and wants to get support from her on an issue that worries her. And the mother begins to talk about how difficult her life is. And against the backdrop of this story, of course, the daughter will still have a feeling of guilt for disturbing her mother, who has plenty of problems without her. Or another common example: a daughter talks about how she managed to prepare a delicious dish for dinner. And the mother, instead of just being happy for her daughter, says that she has known and prepared this dish for a long time, even improved the recipe, thanks to which it has become much tastier. And so every time. After some time, the daughter wants to contact her mother less and less, and communication becomes more and more formal.
The main reasons for this reaction in the mother:
- The habit of comparing yourself with others.
This pattern of behavior on the part of the mother suggests that in childhood her parents compared her with other children. However, most often it is not in her favor. For example, “Yes, you got an A at school, but Mashenka brought two A’s home. Yes, you did your homework, but Irochka did her homework and managed to cook dinner.”
Now a woman has the opportunity to compensate for this. Therefore, the mother unconsciously begins to compare herself with her daughter, but already showing herself what a great mother she is.
- The distorted idea that only one person can be good in a relationship.
Comparison with other people in childhood leads to the child developing the perception that only one person can be great. And, if someone else nearby is already good, then unconsciously the person begins to feel bad. Internally it is difficult to agree with this. Therefore, there is a reaction to show the other that he is not entirely great, and to regain this place, and with it the feeling of his goodness. In my practice, very often there are situations when mother and daughter unconsciously fight for this right to be good, as if there is only one place.
- Lack of internal sense of self-worth and significance.
Very often in childhood, a child is taught that he is significant only when he was able to prove something to someone, when he was able to achieve something. For example, he won a competition, received a certificate, was the first to do something. And without this it is not significant and not interesting. Having received such a message from parents, the child learns to live in constant proof of his own worth and importance. To do this, he needs to constantly participate in competitions and prove his superiority. Over time, without this, a person cannot feel respect for himself. And then he is forced to organize secret competitions for himself, continuing to prove that he is interesting and significant. This is why many mothers unknowingly organize competitions with their own children, especially with girls. For example, a mother emphasizes to her daughter: “I told you that you shouldn’t have done that! I knew it wouldn’t end well! And you, as always, didn’t listen to me.”.
At this moment, the mother emphasizes her importance at the expense of her daughter. It’s an unpleasant form of communication; you’re unlikely to want to continue it.
- Presentation of grievances and claims.
Very often, communication between mother and daughter comes down to clarifying relationships, presenting grievances and claims. And this type of communication suits no one. At the same time, mother and daughter do not learn to cope with this.
The main reasons for the formation of complaints in communication:
- Mother's expectations.
At one time, her mother was a girl who endured a lot and forgave her mother, obeyed her in everything, giving up her desires. Now she has grown up and expects similar behavior from her daughter. But the daughter has the right to behave differently than her mother wants. And then the mother becomes offended. After all “I behaved differently towards my mother. And it was a manifestation of love for her. This means that my daughter does not love or respect me if she acts differently.” Such a chain leads to pain and resentment, giving rise to claims and accusations. And communication becomes impossible.
- Mother's internal perception.
Because of her own internal ideas about herself as a person who is forced to endure everything, to give up her own in favor of someone else’s, because of internal feelings of uselessness and insignificance, the mother cannot feel appreciation, love and gratitude from her daughter. When her daughter was little, the mother sacrificed something important for herself for her daughter. The woman did this primarily because of her own internal idea that she was a bad mother and the desire to prove the opposite. To do this, it is important to comply with generally accepted ideas that good mother the one who has given up her life does not take care of herself, but lives only as a child. For example, many women, while the child is small, stop doing things they love, don’t go where they would like, and stop taking care of themselves and looking after themselves. They make such a choice, shifting responsibility for it to the child. Although the child does not need this at all. And then they present claims to the adult daughter that, for example, she prefers to go on a date rather than sit next to her mother. At a time when her mother did so much for her.
Even if the daughter begins to sacrifice her life, the mother cannot feel her love and gratitude. What prevents this is resentment towards oneself for depriving oneself of the joy of life. After all, the child is not really a hindrance to the mother in her affairs. But the mother does not want to admit this and makes her daughter the cause of all her troubles. She tries to get even on her, demanding compensation for the sacrifices that she, the mother, made in the name of her daughter.
- Lack of desire to learn to develop relationships.
Any relationship requires development. They will not develop on their own. It takes effort to make this happen. And I really don’t want to do this. It is much easier to always behave the same way than to learn to interact with your adult daughter in a new way. This leads to a lot of tension in relationships. After all, what was good for you when she was five years old is now outdated, like a dress that we grow out of or over the years it wears out and becomes uncomfortable.
And these are the main mistakes in interactions on the part of the mother.
What can an adult daughter do wrong on her part?
- Indulging in mother's scripts.
Very often, the daughter begins to either play along with her mother in what I previously described, or enter into confrontation and fight with her for her rights. Both are continuations of familiar interaction scenarios.
- The desire to change your mother.
Very often, adult daughters try to teach their mother, unconsciously demanding that she change. You can waste time trying to change your mother, but it does not benefit the relationship.
- Mother's punishment.
Very often in my practice I come across the fact that adult daughters try to take out grievances and punish their mother, “restoring justice.” For example, they leave for other countries and cities, stop communicating with their mother, and when communicating, they remind her of biographical facts in every possible way, trying to unconsciously make the mother feel guilty.
What to do? How is it possible to improve the relationship between a mother and an adult daughter (and not only)?
- Remember and regularly remind myself, while in direct communication, that my daughter has already grown up. She is an adult and can handle what is happening in her life. Learn to believe in your children and their abilities. The daughter must remember that she has already grown up, and this is a fact that does not need to be proven. Stop wasting your time on this.
- Find a hobby where you will feel interest and joy in the creative process. Start communicating with people who are interesting to you on topics that are interesting to you.
For example, a circle of film lovers. And we watched an interesting film, and immediately discussed it with other people. Or cooking classes: we cooked something together and immediately discussed the result.
- Remember that each of us can have our own opinion. And they can be different. Every opinion has the right to exist.
- Stop wasting time challenging the opinions of others. Learn to be interested in what her opinion is related to? Why did she have this idea?
- Start realizing your dreams. Moreover, my daughter is already an adult and she can move on to her own life. To do this, remember your dreams, write them down and see what from this list you can start realizing now?
- Stop comparing yourself and your daughter. Daughters should stop comparing themselves to their mother. You are you, she is she. Learn to rejoice and worry about each other without comparing yourself to her.
- Remind yourself that there is plenty of space. That there is no need to fight, each of you is good. Try to monitor and stop the process of competition, which may begin unconsciously.
- Mothers learn to praise their daughter for her achievements, without naming your skills. Learn to sympathize with her in her experiences. And, if you really want to give her advice or express your opinion, ask her if she wants to hear it. Understanding and accepting that she may refuse you. And that's her right. Your right to ask her what she wants to hear from you now. What help does she need from you now?
- Daughters should stop changing and punishing their mother. And it's very difficult. Attempts to independently understand this situation lead to even more disastrous consequences. If you notice something similar in your actions, from what I wrote about, it makes sense to contact a specialist for help.
- Everyone should deal with issues of internal perception of themselves, working through their own fears, grievances, and claims. Learn to interact with each other in new ways. And to do this, seek help from a specialist.
Have an interesting and enjoyable conversation with each other!
Parents occupy an important place in the formation and development of every person. While the child is small, he greatly needs the care and support with which he is surrounded loving mom and dad. As adults, we learn to make our own decisions, take responsibility for our destiny and for those who raised us. A psychologist will help you cope with the difficulties of autonomous life. Separation is separation from parents, which normally occurs after the child reaches adulthood. However, the willingness to live independently and take responsibility plays an important role here. Not all young people are ready for this by the age of eighteen. In addition, a lot depends on the financial situation of the family and personal capabilities.
Separation from parents is a necessary and necessary stage that no living creature can skip. Thanks to this process, the individual receives a tremendous incentive for self-realization. It is noticed that what earlier child separates from his mother and father, the more opportunities he is able to discover in himself.
The problem of separation
Although most young people are enthusiastic about setting out on their own, the process of truly separating from family is fraught with challenges. Not all parents are ready to happily send them on an “independent voyage.” Many mothers suffer from trying to warn their child about a possible “danger,” thereby unconsciously imposing their fears and doubts on him. A boy and a girl, reaching adulthood, ask questions about how to live, what ideals to follow, where to find the only right path for themselves? It is extremely important to learn to make decisions on your own, to stop living according to the direct orders of adults.
The problem with separating grown children is that not everyone has the opportunity to immediately acquire a separate living space. Many continue to raise their own child for years.
Separation periods
The process of separating from the family in which one grew up is not an easy path. It will take a lot of patience, attention, and mental strength in order to achieve understanding with loved ones. At the same time, you must learn to defend your individual boundaries. The stages of separation from parents occur one after another. It is only important in these moments to show patience and tact, so as not to inadvertently offend dear and close people. What are these stages? What do they mean?
1. A feeling of deep internal dissatisfaction. A young man or girl begins to feel that they are not satisfied with their relationship with their parents. Relatives irritate with excessive care, moralizing and the inability to implement their ideas into life. At this stage, the usual picture of the world is collapsing, misunderstandings are growing. The emotional connection with parents is still very strong, because the individual does not yet have the necessary self-confidence to act in accordance with his own inner beliefs.
2. The need to live by your own rules. At this stage, conflicts with parents arise. It seems to grown up children that they limit their freedom of will and movement in every possible way. Boys and girls often begin to be rude to their father and mother and act in exactly the opposite way.
3. Search for opportunities and prospects. This period is characterized by finding your own ways to solve important issues. Yesterday's child must answer questions about how to live, how to free himself from the pressure of others? What is important to young man, he finds in an occupation close to him, professional activity or love for a person of the opposite sex. Here comes the moment of mitigating the conflict, accepting an acute dramatic situation.
4. True separation. This stage comes after the previous one, when troubling issues are resolved between parents and children. It is important that no misunderstanding remains, otherwise it will be very difficult to regain trust. True separation occurs after the adult child feels the strength to begin to live independently and begins to take concrete steps.
When it gets harder to separate
Separation from parents as an adult is the worst thing imaginable. Everything must happen on time. So, without separating from mom and dad at twenty years old, a young man inevitably begins to suffer. He develops dependence on his parents, and this manifests itself in lack of independence of thinking, a feeling of irritation when it comes to his personal boundaries. By the age of twenty-five to thirty, separation becomes difficult, and conflict simply cannot be avoided. It is true that the older a person is, the more difficult it is for him to start an independent life. The fact is that in youth everything seems simple and understandable; the individual strives for self-expression. If the state of the desired freedom cannot be achieved for some reason, many people stop trying to fix anything.
Unilateral separation from parents occurs when one of the participants in the process is against natural separation. Often the parents themselves are to blame for this situation, limiting the will of their beloved offspring. Then the separation is difficult and painful, with tears, screams, scandals, and broken relationships.
How to become an independent person
First of all, you need to be clearly aware of the problem. You can't fix a situation when you don't have a clear vision of how you would like to live. Finding yourself is an important and necessary stage in the development of personality. Everyone goes through it without exception. The search for the meaning of life refers to this period of discovering one’s own needs and requirements. Separating from their parents is the dream of many young men and women. But before taking active steps, you should think everything through carefully.
Independence begins with accepting responsibility. Only when you are ready to be responsible for your own actions and actions do visible changes occur. A truly free person knows how to recognize the opinions of others, even if they do not correspond to his own position. If you are able to take care of yourself without asking anyone else’s advice, then you are truly ready for an independent adult life.
Individual Thinking
IN teenage years there is an active development of self-awareness. The personality already has its own ideas about surrounding phenomena and events, and a worldview is gradually formed. It is extremely important to cultivate the habit of thinking independently, based on individual beliefs. It is difficult for a driven person to live separately, because he constantly wants to feel support from those who are nearby. Your own thinking is formed under the influence of certain life circumstances that educate you and help you overcome difficulties in a timely manner.
If you want to start living independently, start forming an individual picture of the world. An adult, as a rule, has a good idea of what is significant for him and what is secondary. Get rid of the complex of an unintelligent child, then it will become easier to prepare for the difficulties that you will have to face in the future.
Life goals
Separation from parents implies having your own plans and a great desire to turn them into reality. You cannot continue to live by the ideals of your parents, relying only on their wisdom in everything. Make every effort to become self-sufficient person who can overcome any obstacles. Every adult should have his own goals and objectives. They are the ones who lead us forward and help us not to give up. difficult situations, but to bring the work started to its logical conclusion. When we follow our beliefs, the world seems to open up anew: a new understanding of the essence of things comes. Having a specific goal in front of him, a person will not give up, will not turn back, and will not force himself to doubt his own prospects. The ability to remain true to oneself is worth a lot and characterizes an emotionally mature personality.
Many girls do not know if there is no worthy life partner nearby. In fact, you need to learn to rely on yourself, and not hope that someone will come and make you happy, thereby allowing you to feel satisfactory. Self-sufficiency is an unchangeable thing: once a person has gained power over his life, as a rule, he does not give it up. If a girl is seriously thinking about how to become independent, she must turn to her own heart. It won't deceive.
Creation
Creation is the basis of everything that exists. Everyone has a creative side, but not every person consciously engages in self-development. Best qualities character, natural gifts, talents - all this can be used to attract success. If you manage to find your niche, you will very soon feel like What happens later? Additional prospects will open up that you never suspected existed. You will develop a special taste for life, things will begin to improve, and luck will become your constant companion. Just imagine that you will get a unique opportunity to do what you love and realize your ideas. Believe me, not every person comes to such a generous invitation from fate. How does this relate to separation from parents?
The fact is that by gaining self-sufficiency, you will gain confidence in yourself and in the future. With such achievements it is much easier to decide to take a bold step. In addition, you will probably have the opportunity to pay for your own food and accommodation. And this greatly increases self-esteem, as well as affects the material standard of living. Parents will certainly be proud of the achievements of their adult child!
Moving
When the main search for oneself is completed, the person usually begins to take decisive action. Indeed, why postpone such a long-awaited event? How much joy and hope it brings with it! Moving to a new place of residence becomes the logical conclusion of the separation process. Few people know that the difficulties do not end there. A young man who has entered an independent life radically changes his consciousness, his way of thinking, and acquires the ability to look at events differently. From the young man he suddenly moves on to the prose of life: he has to cook, clean the apartment, and solve everyday pressing problems. Separation from parents implies that the young man or girl is fully aware of what awaits them. All difficulties can be solved, and the joy of realizing one’s own independence overcomes minor troubles.
After moving to a new place of residence, you will have additional worries. They will be accompanied by difficulties, which, of course, cannot be completely avoided. At the first difficulties, you should not immediately turn to your parents for help. Try to understand the problem yourself: determine its essence, causes, and possibilities for an adequate solution. Remember that it doesn't happen.
Caring for the inner child
In each of us, despite our age, that little boy or girl who at one time needed the protection of a large and strong parent continues to live. Often, as adults, men and women discover an irresistible craving for comfort and security. I would like someone to take upon themselves the solution to all sorts of problems, at least for a day. This is a normal condition and there is no need to be ashamed of it. It will be a shame if you start trying on the image strong man, but you won’t actually be able to match it. The presence of a mask always prevents a person from remaining self-sufficient and open. Stay sincere both with yourself and with the people around you.
To successfully cope with all difficulties and at the same time remain an independent person, you need to learn to take care of your inner child. This means you need to at least occasionally allow yourself to feel weak, not drown out negative emotions. Remember that the more resistance you offer, the more you have to suffer. If you feel sad today for some reason, you can reflect a little on your actions. But avoid harsh self-criticism, it deprives a person of confidence in himself and in the future. Taking care of your inner child means that you will be the most attentive to yourself. Imagine that you really have a tiny defenseless creature in your arms. Don't be afraid to give him your love, care and attention.
Consequences of incomplete separation
Sometimes it happens that the process of separation from parents is not completed. The reasons for this are different: domineering father and mother, the inability to understand each other, initially strained relationships. It happens that an adult child, having separated from his parents, makes a serious mistake and is subsequently deeply disappointed in himself. In this case, the person feels internal dissatisfaction and it becomes difficult for her to cope with her own emotions. Negative feelings overwhelm you in an uncontrollable wave and completely subjugate you. Is it necessary to say that a person loses his taste for life and is constantly in a bad mood?
The consequences of incomplete separation are very dire: self-doubt, fear of making serious decisions. Such a person continues to live with an eye on society, fearing own desires. He does not look for opportunities for self-realization, but runs away from them.
Thus, separation from parents represents an important step in personality development. It helps to reveal individuality and strengthen faith in existing prospects. If separation is not done on time, then a person will not be able to act actively, live in harmony with his inner nature.
And today I wanted to tell you a little about the three stages of maturing in the personality of a woman who will be happy in a relationship with a man. This not only applies to women, it applies to all people who, if they competently go through these stages, receive psychological autonomy. But today we will talk about women.
First of all, a woman has problems with her man because her relationship with her mother once did not work out. Relationships that still keep a woman on a short leash. All this is called EMOTIONAL DEPENDENCE ON YOUR PARENTS. In women, most often it is emotional dependence on their mother.
So to be emotional independent woman, you need to go through 3 stages of growing up.
FIRST STAGE - POSITIVE SYMBIOSIS
The period of its passage is from 0 to 11-12 years, in girls until the arrival of their critical days. During this period, children perceive their parents as Gods, as the most authoritative people and as people to look up to. Children, like a sponge, absorb everything their parents say about life, about themselves, about relationships. They absorb the behavior of their parents, family myths that are passed on from generation to generation in families. During this period, apart from the parents, the child has no more authoritarian personalities in his environment.
SECOND STAGE - NEGATIVE SYMBIOSIS
In other words, this is a period of separation. It passes at the age of 13-17 years. During this period, the child becomes a teenager. He emotionally tries to separate himself from his parents. During this puberty period, when emotional separation occurs, the teenager's ideals crumble. The teenager breaks the symbiotic relationship and begins to rely not on the opinion of his parents, but on the opinion of friends and peers.
This period in a person’s life is very important. It depends on whether you will be able to be autonomous in the future. It is during this period that conflicts with parents begin. The teenager gives up the illusion that parents are omnipotent, that one must accept the world with all its limitations and suffering. There is a realization that a parent is an ordinary person with his own advantages and disadvantages. As a result of passing this stage, the teenager understands that childhood is over, he needs to become an independent, adult person.
If a person lives through these two stages successfully, then the third, important stage begins - AUTONOMY.
THIRD STAGE - AUTONOMY
Autonomy is when a person relies on himself. He creates his life based on his worldview, his opinion. He takes full responsibility for his life.
An autonomous person is a person who builds his own boundaries; he does not depend on the judgments, attitudes and emotional reactions of his parents. He does not fall for provocation or manipulation from his parents and does not harbor a grudge against them.
Let me remind you that today’s post is about emotional dependence on your mother. But psychological autonomy applies to all areas of human life.
A daughter's emotional dependence on her mother is a very common problem these days. Almost every client has such problems. And these problems are determined primarily by inharmonious relationships with a partner.
Autonomous woman perceives love relationship, like a relationship between two adults, and not like: “you have to give me love, because I didn’t receive it as a child.”
What is emotional dependence?
This is primarily a focus on the relationship with the person. In this post it is focusing on the relationship with your mother and your partner. It is your relationship with your mother that determines your happiness with your partner. Unless, of course, there were other psychological traumas.
EMOTIONALLY DEPENDENT WOMAN often recalls the most painful situations that were associated with her mother: “she forgot to pick her up from kindergarten, sent her to stay with her grandmother, often raised her hand and said bad words“, the more common grievances are “didn’t give me the right amount of love, care, affection”
AN EMOTIONALLY INDEPENDENT WOMAN nothing affects her in her relationship with her mother; her mother’s mood and words do not affect her in any way. She is free from the hurts of the past and does not feel guilty. She clearly understands that “here and now” I am already different, I have a different life and the past cannot stop me from being happy.
Let me give you an example: “The adult daughter is 36 years old, her mother did not like her as a child, she is completely dependent on her mother’s mood and words. Her mother still has difficulty communicating with her daughter and tries in every possible way to control her life. The daughter kicks, of course, but her mother has a strong influence on her psycho-emotional state. Accordingly, she has serious problems with her husband, because: “I want him to love me more, take care of me, and say a lot of kind words.”
It turns out that a woman who was not loved in childhood is trying to compensate for this lack in a marital relationship. At the same time, he does not understand that the partner is not obliged to compensate for this. He can only give what he can give; she must fill the rest herself and, first of all, become autonomous.
BEING EMOTIONALLY AUTONOMOUS MEANS ALLOWING YOUR MOTHER AND YOURSELF TO BE AS YOU ARE. When a daughter is autonomous, she no longer expects care and love from her mother. She doesn't demand this from her partner.
If you have a bad relationship with your man, you often demand attention, care, love from him, then this is the first sign that you are a non-autonomous (not self-sufficient) woman.
And the reason must first of all be sought in the relationship with your mother. What they were and what they are.
If your mother still influences your life, you live resentful of her because of what she did not give you in childhood, then I recommend that you contact me for advice, because it is quite difficult to become an autonomous woman on your own. Needed here psychological help and this is, first of all, necessary for your life with a man to be fulfilling.
A man will love and give love to a woman who is self-sufficient, autonomous, rather than to a woman who remains at the stages of symbiosis or separation.
Sasha Strogonova
A mother's curse is a very strong degree of magical influence that can seriously ruin a person's life. Let's look at the signs of such a curse and talk about how it can be removed.
What is the power of the mother's curse?
When a woman is pregnant, an incredibly strong energetic connection develops between them. Due to the fact that on the subtle plane the mother is a strong protector of the fetus, the fetus, accordingly, feels complete and unconditional trust in her.
After the birth of the baby, during the care and care of him, this connection only intensifies, becoming stronger and more powerful every year. That is why the mother’s curse is so terrible - it strikes a completely defenseless person, whose soul does not expect an attack, because trust in the mother’s soul is unshakable.
All these processes occur on the subtle plane, on the energy level. If they went to the physical plane, the damned person would simply die at that very second.
The worst thing is that a mother’s curse is almost never conscious. Often, in anger, mothers completely unconsciously curse their child, committing a huge, irreparable act, for which the child will then begin to pay for the rest of his life.
Signs
You can determine that a maternal curse has been imposed on you by the following signs:
- You are very dependent on your parents and cannot “break away” from them. A person can be an adult, but at the same time be under the strong influence of his mother and not become independent. This is not a direct sign of a curse; sometimes it may indicate that psychotherapeutic separation from parents is necessary.
- Everything that your mother talks about and wishes for you with strong emotions quickly comes true. For example, an irritated mother may say - you won’t succeed in this matter. And you will indeed fail.
- You constantly feel bad, problems in life do not stop, and depression is your companion every day. Poor health and unstable psycho-emotional state.
- These are common signs that can easily be confused with those indicating normal damage. But there are other, more specific signals that will definitely indicate a maternal curse:
- A pregnant damn girl can suddenly leave her husband, abandoning all instincts of self-preservation. After the divorce, she returns to her father's house, where she is constantly criticized and condemned by her mother. As a result, a miscarriage occurs or the baby is born sick.
- The mother endlessly repeats to her daughter that the university she chose is terrible. That the profession will not bring money. As a result, the daughter gives in to persuasion and goes to study in the specialty that her mother recommended. But her life in the end is a semi-beggarly existence without money or normal work.
- Sometimes a mother starts a celibacy program if she doesn't like her daughter's fiancé. In this case, the engagement is broken, the wedding does not come to fruition, and the girl remains single for the rest of her life.
This is not a complete list of options for the mother's curse. Any other words uttered in the hearts, on strong emotions, can lead to an equally sad result.
How to remove mother's curse
If you have definitely determined that you have a maternal curse, it must be removed. There are many methods, we will look at some of them.
Key points of psychotherapeutic treatment:
- In psychotherapy, there is no such thing as a “maternal curse”. But the existence of childhood traumas is recognized, after the healing of which the patient’s life improves.
- For example, as a child, your mother greatly offended you with some words. For example: “You’re stupid, and nothing will come of you.” As an adult, you no longer remember this, but the situation and the negative emotions you experienced remained deep in the subconscious.
- With the help of psychotherapy techniques, these emotions need to be reached, lived, and released. The trauma is healed, the “curse” is lifted. And gradually life returns to normal.
- And if before treatment the patient really lived poorly: he did not achieve anything special in life, fulfilling the parental instructions, then after healing the injury everything can gradually change.
In the video you can listen to a psychotherapeutic technique that removes negativity from the mother:
Traditional methods are completely different. In order to remove the maternal curse with their help, you will need to perform a certain ritual.
For example:
- Prepare wax, a handful of metal coins and a container filled with cool water.
- Wait for the waning moon. During this period, lunar energy is aimed at taking away from a person’s life everything that weighs on him, that hinders him and does not allow him to move on.
- Melt the wax in a water bath and very slowly, drop by drop, pour it on top of the water (wax casting). At this time, try to feel how dense, black energy clots come out of your body along with the wax from the negativity that your mother left with her curse.
- After the wax is completely in the water, you need to take it out and make a figurine of a newborn baby from it. It contains all the power of the mother's curse. For it to stop working, you need to get rid of the figure.
- Go to the cemetery at night. Place a handful of coins at the entrance, and bury a wax doll at any burial site.
- Then go straight home to bed. In the morning, get up at dawn and, without speaking to anyone, go to church. Light a candle for your mother's health. Feel how you forgive her, how you are filled with gratitude and love.
Most likely, after getting rid of the curse, not only your life will change, but your relationship with your mother will also significantly improve. Negativity, resentment, and evil emotions will no longer stand between you. Your souls will feel this on the subtle plane, which will certainly affect the existence of the physical body.
To talk about her painful relationship with her mother, 40-year-old Katerina writes the book “Mom, Don’t Read!” Confession of an “ungrateful” daughter.” In it, she lists in detail her childhood and adult attempts to earn her mother’s love, which were unsuccessful every time. She is not writing for her mother - this is how she is trying to get rid of the pain that “stretched out for many years and has not subsided to this day”...
Natalya is 36 years old, and she considers her mother best friend. “We often call each other, go shopping together, and every weekend I come to her with the children. We are very close,” she shares. And after a pause, he admits that the visits are not entirely voluntary. If you miss even one, she feels guilty. Like in her youth, when her mother reproached her for selfishness, constantly reminding her of what she sacrificed in life while raising her “ungrateful daughter”...
Katerina, Natalya - these two adult women never managed to reconcile, forgiving their own mother, or free themselves from dependence and guilt. In other words, they never became truly adults. Why is this so difficult?
“Mother and daughter - the relationship between them is unique,” says psychotherapist Ekaterina Mikhailova. - They always contain guilt and forgiveness, affection and rebellion, incomparable sweetness and incomparable pain, inevitable similarity and its fierce denial, the first and main experience of our “together” - and the first attempt to still be separately...
Competition. Struggle. Fear. A piercing need for attention, for approval. Horror at the power of this need. Love, sometimes manifesting itself in murderous, suffocating forms. The first experience of subordination to power, “superior enemy forces” - and the first experience of one’s power over another person. Jealousy. Unspoken grievances. Grievances expressed. And above all this is the uniqueness of these relationships. There won’t be another one.”
Together, then separately
In early childhood, almost complete fusion with the mother is necessary for the child in order to survive. “The feeling of security that arises thanks to such a symbiosis helps him grow, mature and gradually begin an independent life,” says psychoanalyst Elina Zimina. “But if there was no such closeness, the desire to merge with the mother, to feel her unconditional love may remain the most important, the main thing.”
This is why so many adults look at the world through the eyes of their mother, act as she would act, and hope for her approval and gratitude.
For a girl, a mother is a perfect omnipotent being of the same sex. It is later, from about three to six years old, that she begins to compete with her for her father's love. Girls find it easier to distance themselves from their mother compared to boys, for whom the mother becomes a “love object.” But if this does not happen, the merger can turn into dependence: they see only similarities in each other.
An adult who continues to struggle with his parents most likely never separated from them.
Remaining in a close relationship with her mother, the girl stops growing up, because she does not feel like a separate person. Only by moving away can one discover differences: “how am I different from her?”, “what am I?”, “who am I as a woman?” By keeping her daughter close to her, the mother prevents her from finding answers to these questions.
“Gradual separation, separation from parents, creates within us the mental space necessary to feel our characteristics and desires, including our femininity,” explains Elina Zimina. “It is the ability to distinguish between what belongs to me and what belongs to another.”
You can compare yourself with someone who is in equal or almost equal positions with us. However, for a child, the mother is a creature devoid of shortcomings. To see a real woman in her, you have to overthrow her from an imaginary pedestal. It is enough to recall the intensity of passions between teenagers and parents to understand how painful this de-idealization occurs.
“When a teenager sees real people in their parents, the degree of hostility usually decreases,” says the psychoanalyst. - And an adult who continues to fight with his parents, most likely. never separated from them.”
But the separation does not end there, and the girl who becomes a woman, a mother, every time has to establish a new distance with her own mother.
The third one is not superfluous
Contradictions and conflicts, obvious or hidden, are always present in the relationship between mother and daughter. “A mother can painfully experience the loss of her daughter’s unconditional love when she, in the Oedipal phase of development, transfers her love to her father,” explains Elina Zimina. - Unlike girls, a boy at this age continues to love his mother. Therefore, there is less conflict and more harmony in the relationships between mothers and sons. But in the relationship between mother and daughter there can be more contradictory feelings: in addition to love, there is jealousy, envy and rivalry.”
Both poles are equally dangerous for the daughter mother's love: its deficiency and excess
In this regard, the image of the little girl that the mother herself once was clearly shines through. This image brings her back to memories of her own childhood, her relationship with her own mother, her experience of love and pain.
For a daughter, both poles of maternal love, its lack and excess, are equally dangerous. But the relationship between mother and daughter is not a relationship between two, but always three people. “The father separates them and tells his daughter: “I am your mother’s husband and lover,” explains Elina Zimina. “At the same time, he supports his daughter, admiring her femininity, and makes it clear that later she will meet a man who will give her the love she desires.”
The third person who helps mother and daughter separate from each other may not only be the father or the mother's partner. An idea, a hobby, a job - something that can completely capture a woman’s thoughts, so that during this time she forgets about the child and feels “separated” from him.
A psychotherapist can, of course, play this role. “There is one “but” that is often not taken into account in dreams and plans,” insists Ekaterina Mikhailova. “Any third person is a temporary figure: having fulfilled his role, he must fade into the background, making room for the development of relations.”
Far and near
Where is the border between good? trusting relationships and complete dependence on the desires and moods of the mother? It is not always easy to find the answer to this question. Especially now, when friendly relations with the mother (“mother-friend”) are becoming the ideal of many women. But often they hide the lack of distance, that very “uncut umbilical cord.”
Daily calls, requests for advice, intimate details - this is how it looks in life. But constant conflicts, and even a gap between mother and daughter, do not mean that there is no emotional connection between them. Distance is also not an indicator. “A daughter can be extremely dependent on her mother, despite the fact that they are separated by thousands of kilometers, or live with her in the same house and be independent,” says Elina Zimina.
A woman’s natural desire to become independent can be hampered by her mother’s often unconscious desire to keep her close to her. “Sometimes she perceives the separation of the child as evidence that he no longer loves her and abandons her - perhaps this is due to her own experience sudden separation,” Elina Zimina gives an example. - She may be unsure of her own femininity and jealous of her daughter’s beauty. Or consider himself entitled to control her life, because he sees his continuation in her. A single woman may look for a substitute husband or her own mother in her child.”
If parents allow their children to be free, but are ready to support if necessary, then the separation will be peaceful
In response, the daughter manifests anxieties - fear of losing her mother's love, self-doubt, fear of men... Some mothers want to keep their daughter at any cost, others, on the contrary, strive to “get rid of” her as quickly as possible. At the first teenage attempts to declare independence, they say: “okay, you are completely free and independent, you can live as you want.”
But behind this lies rejection. “Adult children also need support,” explains Elina Zimina. “And if parents allow them to be free, but are ready to support if necessary, then the separation will most likely be peaceful and good relations will remain.”
Path to freedom
True independence comes when a woman critically evaluates the attitudes, modes of behavior, and life scenarios she inherited from her mother. It is impossible to completely abandon them, since this will make her isolated from her own femininity. But accepting them entirely means that she, while remaining a copy of her mother, will never become herself.
“Usually, those who are able to unilaterally “withdraw their claims” and stop nourishing painful relationships with their hopes, grievances, or playing the role of an ideal mother or daughter, manage to move in the direction of seemingly desired, but still not coming, independence,” says Ekaterina Mikhailova. - Too close relationships are mutual. Often it only seems that “mom won’t let go” - both are not ready to move into a new phase of the relationship, but responsibility for this is usually assigned to the older one.”
If we really want changes, we need to start with a few tough questions to ourselves, advises Ekaterina Mikhailova: “What am I hiding from myself, explaining all the problems in my life by pressure, influence, interference and the need to take care of this other? Maybe I am the one who fills the emotional void by playing the game of independence?
Maybe the world behind me scares me so much that it’s easier for me to stay in a strange mixture of a fight, a dance and an embrace with that other woman? What do I hope for, continuing to sort things out, making peace, quarreling, reproaching - or pampering and pleasing? Maybe, deep down in my heart, I still believe that it will be possible to prove something, that “she” will agree, accept, approve...”
How can we understand whether we have really managed to become independent and have severed the maternal umbilical cord? This is so if we are no longer torn apart by contradictory feelings, no longer tormented by internal conflicts. If we ourselves regulate the degree of trust and distance in our relationship with our mother, without feeling guilty. We can objectively assess in what ways we are similar and in what ways we are different from each other. And finally, if we feel that we are connected with our mother by certain ties, but are not tightly attached to her.
"Difficult" mothers
As adults, we begin to build relationships with our mothers in new ways. However, with some of them this turns out to be especially difficult. Psychologist Susan Cohen and journalist Edward Cohen list 10 common types.
- Narcissistic. She dreams of seeing in her daughter a pretty doll who would think only about her mother.
- Controlling. She has a rule for every case. And every time she tells her daughter that she did not fulfill it.
- Dependent on other people's opinions. She worries about what the neighbors will think, even when her daughter has long grown up and left the city.
- Seductive. Always dressed in fashion, too short, too tight. She flirts with any man she meets, including her daughter’s friends.
- Suffocating. Helps even when children don't need it.
- Borderless. Takes her child's successes and failures very close, too close to her heart...
- Criticizing. He blames her for everything that her daughter (doesn’t) do, as well as for what she dreams of.
- Closing my eyes. Thinks that everything is not going so badly, even when it can’t get any worse.
- Omniscient. She has long since done everything that her daughter ever hoped to do, and much better than she did.
- Accusing. She is always dissatisfied, but expects her children to lay down their lives to satisfy her desires and dreams.
