“A mother’s heart is in her children, and a child’s is in stone!”
It is customary to say about maternal love that it is holy. But without revealing the negative sides of maternal love, people will not be able to move towards the truth in the most complex issues of relationships between men and women, parents and children. In literature, in cinema, in theatrical performances, a lot is said about the suffering of children deprived of maternal love, and thousands of times less about the suffering of children who are under the yoke of excessive maternal love.
In my opinion, people are not deeply enough aware of the negative meaning of excessive maternal love, which breaks the destinies and sometimes takes the lives of their children, gives rise to many illnesses of the woman herself, destroying the family and society. Moreover, many women do not want to hear about it.
What does this mean - excessive, strong maternal love? This is when love for children becomes stronger than love to herself and her husband, when children come first in the mother’s value system, and the father, and often the mother herself, are relegated to the background.
There are certain criteria that show the excessiveness of maternal love in a particular family. This is primarily the presence of diseases and the difficult fate of children. Secondly, the husband’s lack of fulfillment, his illness and, most often, alcoholism. Thirdly, the presence of big problems in family relationships. This is what lies on the surface. Further, in society as a whole, a huge number of unfulfilled men and women also have roots in excess maternal love. All this is not a figment of my imagination. Take a closer look around and you will see plenty of evidence of this.
Can this feeling of a mother even be called love? In fact, there is very little true love in him. Therefore, it would be more correct to call it maternal feeling.
What are the main reasons for this harmful feeling?
The first and most important: a woman does not realize the meaning of her life and, as a result, the value system is violated.
Not knowing why she came to Earth, a woman often believes that it is to give birth to children. And it all begins with this misconception - children become the meaning of life.
The second reason is similar problems among parents and grandparents.
That is, as a rule, this problem comes from the depths of the family and is inherited by subsequent descendants.
The third reason is moral principles, religious tenets and traditions of modern society, which force us to put children first in life.
The problem is aggravated by the fact that “holy motherhood” is embedded in the very depths of religions, and this is the basis of their worldview.
The fourth reason is the animal feeling of a female, which takes shape in a person into a sense of ownership.
The feeling of ownership gives the woman hope for a reciprocal feeling, and the child directly shows reciprocal feelings, and this makes the mother-child bond very strong. All this creates a very strong attachment, which is often impossible to break until the end of life. It is a rare case when a woman does not have a sense of ownership directed towards her beloved child. This is a high state of spirituality that is much talked about but often not achieved.
The fifth component of maternal feeling is pity.
This is where many troubles come from. Russian women are very compassionate towards men, and especially towards children. Sacrifice is born from pity. Pity is most often replaced by a feeling of love. Pity is much easier to show than love, which is why it often replaces love. However, it destroys the one who is pitied, humiliates him, and prevents him from developing. They take pity on the weak, the sick, the crippled, keeping them in this state. And the more a person is pitied, the more problems he has.
Here are the main causes of this global problem - excessive maternal feelings. Very often they can be found in life, and in almost every family. That's why we live like this.
Let's look at one example from life.
A typical family of three is father, mother and son. The income is average, the parents have a higher education, family relations are good: the husband does not drink, does not go out, no one has seen any quarrels. The child grew up quiet, obedient, studied “normally” at school, did not hang out with people, did not smoke, and did not indulge in drugs.
The parents were happy with the child and encouraged him for his quiet life - he did not need anything. They did not have any more children so that they could fully provide for one.
Based on their connections and financial capabilities, his parents selected an institute for him. He himself didn’t care where to study, especially since everything was paid for, and he didn’t have to work too hard. The student's parents bought a Zhiguli. Life continued in the same calm mode. When the son wanted to live with a girl, the mother said: “When you get married, then please, everything should be like other people.”
Towards the end of the institute, my son asked for an imported car. His parents pulled it together (his mother took out a bank loan) and gave him a BMW for his birthday.
Where, you ask, is the excess maternal love in such a situation? Well, they spoiled the child a little, but who doesn’t? If parents have the opportunity, then why not let their only child have a beautiful life? One can argue about incentive measures, but each family decides for themselves. You can often see children dressing up better than parents, have more privileges. But this is a separate issue, although it also concerns excessive parental feelings.
Everything would be fine in this standard situation, but subsequent events make you think. On his birthday, having received a car as a gift, his son crashes into a pole at high speed and dies, along with three other friends.
The grief of parents who lost their only son cannot be described. And the mother will have to pay off the car loan for another five years, remembering every month that this car caused her death. Why did this happen? Why is fate so cruel to this woman? "For what?" - asks the mother.
With the permission of my parents, I described this incident without naming any names or the city where everything happened. Let's try to understand this difficult situation and learn from it. I hope they will help many people understand their problems.
The mother played the “first role” in managing the family. A purposeful, strong-willed woman resolved the main issues in the family, especially when the question of her son arose. For her, he was the main value in life. She insisted on not having a second child, although the World brought her very close to resolving this issue several times. The mother completely controlled the life of the family and, in particular, her son.
The father was gentle and calmly carried out his wife’s decisions. And if he objected, as in the case of the last car, he quickly gave in under its pressure. He tried not to argue and had long ago come to terms with this position, which allowed him to maintain calm relations in the family. But, having taken such a position, the father could not become an authority for his son.
The son, looking at his father, realized early on that such a position was beneficial - the less you argue, the greater the reward you get, and he began to play by these rules. The mother liked her son's complaisance, and she encouraged him in every possible way for this. But it’s not for nothing that there is a saying: “There are devils in still waters.” Young energy demanded an outlet, and all around were the mother’s control and prohibitions.
And he found a way out: he secretly took up auto racing. Not professional, but amateur, with the same depressed and dissatisfied young people who needed self-affirmation. They found sections of roads where there were no police, and drove without any rules - they psychologically needed a way out “beyond the flags” - somewhere they needed to find freedom!
As an eyewitness said, the guy completely changed when he got behind the wheel. He became a different person: aggressive, tough. He seemed to be breaking free from his bonds and frolicking, unaware of danger. When he was driving with his mother, the speed did not exceed the permitted speed of 60 or 90. And when, after his death, his mother was told that the speed was about 200 km/h, she did not believe it: “He never drove at a speed of more than 90!” She didn't know her son at all.
His inner world turned out to be unknown to his mother. She needed external decency, which he observed. Strong motherly love does not include open friendship. It builds relationships only in one direction. And the father was not an authority for his son. The only person the boy was friends with was his grandfather. He, despite the difference in age, was his friend, and when his grandfather died, the boy was very worried and very often went to see him at the cemetery. When his relative asked why he went to the cemetery so often, he replied that he went to talk with his grandfather. He clearly lacked companionship.
The world gave parents a lot of different signs, warning them that not everything was going well with the guy, but strong motherly love is blind. And the stronger it is, the more difficult it is to reach the mother’s consciousness. Therefore, she did not notice the duality of her son’s condition, his double life, the lack of real values in it. Her own values were violated, and therefore she could not objectively assess the situation, and did not hear or see warning signs.
The death of children is always a lesson for parents. Such events are very serious not only for parents, but also for relatives, for the entire family, for the people around them. Unfortunately, most often few people learn from even such difficult lessons. People do not learn not only from other people's mistakes, but also from their own mistakes. And that's why parents often live longer than their children.
Mother's love creates problems not only because it stands out from the entire spectrum of Love and is placed at the forefront. The reason is also that it carries many impurities: a sense of ownership, attachment, selfishness, dissatisfaction; pride, the desire to assert oneself through the child, etc. It turns out that in mother’s love there is very little love itself.
Therefore, it is more accurate to call it maternal feeling. Let us consider in more detail the components of this feeling, the impurities that make holy love negative.
Its basis is procreation instinct, which comes from the very depths of the animal world. Animals follow this instinct more than humans, more sacrificially, but in humans, reason often turns on and suppresses the instinct. Therefore, there are times when mothers do not act in accordance with instinct. There was a report on television about how a mother sold her five-month-old baby to pay off her debts.
Instinct, not clouded by consciousness, is necessary for the birth of maternal love.
Selfish feeling. The mother sees in the child an extension of herself for her unsolved problems, and consciously or unconsciously transfers her problems to the child. For example, a mother is single, but she wants her daughter to get married and “have a normal family.” The mother herself does not want to work on herself so that a man will be nearby or no longer wants to bind herself to the family, and solves this problem through her daughter. There is pure selfishness here - the mother makes it very difficult for her daughter to create a family. Selfishness includes the desire to see a helper in a child and, with his help, to ensure one’s old age.
Sense of ownership. As a rule, this component occupies the main position in maternal feelings. “My child”, “my little blood” and the like sound from the lips of mothers, showing the presence of this harmful feeling.
Women's love. Yes, you can often find subtle or pronounced female feelings for your son. This is where unexpressed love for a man comes into play. This feeling can manifest itself not only when the man is not in the family, but also when there is not enough love between the parents or they have a bad relationship. And the woman pours out all her unspent feminine love on her son. As a rule, this happens unconsciously, but there are cases of conscious actions, even inclination towards intimate relationships. The mother, consciously or unconsciously, does not want her son to marry. And it often happens that in words she says: “It’s time for you to get married,” but in the subconscious something else sounds and blocks the road.
Women's unspent energies can manifest themselves towards their daughter in a unique way - through jealousy. Again, very subtly, imperceptibly or strongly, brightly, preventing the daughter from starting her own family. Many mothers, if they honestly look deep into themselves, can find a manifestation of women's feelings.
Quite often, instead of female love or along with it, there is pity. We have already talked about pity above. Indeed, this is a very powerful feeling in terms of energy and can do a lot of things...
And the fifth component of maternal feeling is the brightest and purest. It is she who drives evolution. This love for a child, as a result of the love of a man and a woman. This main component of maternal love is not felt or realized by most women. And this is precisely what distinguishes a person from an animal. In a reasonable person, this component should be the main one, and most often it is barely noticeable against the background of all the listed feelings.
And you need to start awakening the sacred maternal feeling by understanding the great role of love for a man in a woman’s life! The birth of healthy children and their happy life depend to a much greater extent on the attitude of parents towards each other, on their mutual love, and not on external conditions. Without love for a man, true motherhood cannot take place!
It is undisclosed femininity, insufficient love for a man, and underestimation of the importance of a couple that gives rise to problems, including those of motherhood and childhood.
Therefore, if you look closely, you can see that with the birth of a child, as a rule, the power of love between husband and wife weakens. It is believed that the birth of a child strengthens the family. Yes, responsibility to the family may become stronger, especially for a man, but love most often decreases. The mother shows more and more attention and love to the child, and the husband moves away. Fatigue, complex everyday problems that arise with the birth of a child, the appearance of a new love object significantly reduce a woman’s desire for a man, the desire to be a woman. This could be the beginning of the end of happiness in the family and the beginning of a difficult fate for the child.
The reason for this lies in a lack of understanding of the main task of a woman. Not the birth of children, not motherhood are the main task of a woman on Earth, but the revelation of her essence, the highest qualities of femininity and thanks to this - the creation of the Space of Love! Everything else is a consequence.
Motherhood is only one of the stages in the development of femininity!
How can a person contribute to the unity of Love with all life? Naturally, by life itself in Love, without dividing it into components. Motherhood is only one of the stages of the revelation of Love, but not a separate one, much less its main component.
Pregnancy itself becomes a stage of significant growth in maternal love. And it is natural that she wakes up, since a woman must be ready to fulfill the functions of a mother. Pregnancy is an important stage in the further development of femininity. This is where you should pay attention Special attention to your husband, to show him even more tender and deep feelings, thereby reaching a new level of femininity and creating a stronger and larger Space of Love. In this case, the child is formed in the comfortable conditions of their Space of Love, and then the family is strengthened.
And if a woman focuses on the fetus, pushes the man into the background or does not feel love for him at all, ends with him sexual relations, then the child is already developing in the womb with complications, and the family enters a period of testing.
Here we should also say something about the role of men. At such moments, when motherhood awakens in a woman, he also needs to show even more attention, care, love to the woman, strive not to leave her space and give her as many impulses as possible to reveal love. And men most often do not realize this and get even more involved in business and worries, or even on sprees. Pregnancy, childbirth and subsequent raising of a child are new stages in discovering love for a woman! If a man behaves wisely, then at such a moment he will help the woman become even more feminine.
Quite often, women give birth to a child “for themselves,” entering into a relationship with a man without love, only for the birth of a child - this, as a rule, is fraught with complications in the fate of the child. A completely different situation arises when a woman gives birth to her beloved man - a child of love is born, but again everything can be ruined by focusing on the child.
When there is no man nearby, often all the love, all the unspent energy of a woman, is focused on the child. In this situation, it is very difficult for a child to realize himself in life, save his face and become happy. In this case, he often does not leave the mother’s “psychic placenta” for the rest of his life.
A single woman needs to pay more attention to herself, to revealing her femininity in order to graduate from the “school of loneliness” as quickly as possible. True love towards a child is manifested in creating a Pair, and not in focusing love and attention on the child!
This is the truth that it is advisable for future and present mothers to learn.
If childbirth is difficult, certain pathologies arise - therefore, something is wrong in the relationship between the parents. The child is sick, restless - again the reason must be sought in the relationship of the spouses first of all. The reason is precisely this, but few people begin to look for it in themselves and in their relationships, more often they find it on the side.
Medicine is often blamed for children's illnesses. Yes, there are problems there, but the main thing is determined by the relationship between a man and a woman, the quality of their Space of Love!
No problems will penetrate into the strong Space of Love of parents! You must always remember this, look for the reason within yourself and not blame anyone.
It is often possible to see that the second child is born weaker than the first. The main reason for this is the decrease in love between a man and a woman after the birth of the first child. That is, the second child is born in a weaker Space of Love. As a rule, the mother shows even greater care, attention and love to a weaker child, thereby moving even further away from her femininity and from her husband. The spiral of problems begins to spiral downward and often leads to a tragic end.
One woman’s five-year-old daughter said: “Mom, you love dad more than me, otherwise I will die.” Her mother asks: “What are you saying? Who told you this? The girl says: “I know.” A year later she died. This incident struck me - the world had already, as they say, directly, told the woman about her problem, but she continued to lead the family to tragedy. But there are always clues, the world loves a person and tries to help him in every possible way, but people don’t want to notice them.
Let us take a closer look at a specific case (and it is typical), an example of which can illustrate much of what has been said.
The woman married for love, gave birth to a son at the right time, with whom there were no problems either during pregnancy, during childbirth, or subsequently. Like any mother, she gave her son the necessary attention and, like most mothers, even more than necessary.
Where is this line? It is difficult to define, especially since girls and young women are not explained their main tasks, are not taught to love their husbands, and are not told that this is extremely important. As a rule, young mothers follow the example of their parents and repeat life in an even worse version, creating family problems from generation to generation.
The result was a typical situation - love for the child turned out to be greater than for the husband. There was no noticeable deterioration in family relations; everything seemed to be normal. But this “normality” was actually fraught with great dangers.
Nobody anywhere teaches that a family is created not only for procreation, but mainly for the revelation of personality, for the spiritual growth of a person. Therefore, it is believed that if everything is “normal” in the family: the husband does not drink, does not party, and brings money home, then this good family, and if they also retained love, then that’s great! But in a real family there should be a continuous growth of love and mutual understanding, an increase in the Space of Love and happiness! And such dynamics should be constant throughout life! This is evolution.
We continue the story about this family. A second son is born, but since there is less love between the parents, the second child turned out to be sickly. His mother begins to give him increased attention, relegating her eldest son and husband to the background. Pity for the little ones, for the weaker ones, does its job.
You say: “But this is natural! A sick child needs more attention.” Yes, but not at the expense of love for yourself and your husband! It is necessary to understand a simple truth: if there is a shortage of something, then you need to at least distribute it correctly!
If a child is sick, then first of all, parents need to reveal their love for each other! In the Space of Love of the parents, the child will recover quickly.
If love is fully revealed in a person, then there is enough of it for everyone, and no distribution is needed. If there is an incomplete disclosure of love, then distribute it as follows: first love yourself and your half, then your children, then your parents, and so on, like waves spreading across water from a thrown stone. This is not the best way, but it creates fewer problems. Analyze how love is distributed in your family?
Let's return to that case. As the mother paid more and more attention to her sick son, his problems grew. He falls from the third floor, he is saved, and his mother gave him her blood through a direct transfusion. He truly became her “dear blood” twice over. The husband, deprived of attention and love, became seriously ill. After some time, the youngest son gets involved with drug addicts and dies.
Unfortunately, there are a lot of similar examples. Events develop differently, but their cause is usually the same. When a mother, with her love for her child, pushes herself and her husband into the background, problems are practically inevitable.
It is necessary to understand that a child needs not so much love directly for him, but love between parents, the presence of a strong Space of Love in the family. The larger it is, the more natural the child’s development is - he grows like a tree, which has enough sun and water.
You can often hear words spoken with pride and challenge: “I gave everything to my children! I dedicated my whole life to them!” I translate the subtext of these words as follows: “I could not reveal myself, my love, become a woman and therefore did not create happy family. And I chose not very wisely, but more easy way- to give my love to children, which created problems for them in life.” This is exactly how we need to understand the love that a woman gives to her children. Try to honestly look at your life - are there any similar examples there?
Excessive maternal feeling creates a large layer of problems for subsequent generations in terms of creating a family. It is mothers who most often interfere (of course, with good intentions!) in the process of children becoming on their own path of development and thereby hinder their happy life.
A woman, a music teacher, asked to explain why her son is unlucky in life, he is already over thirty, but he cannot fall in love with a girl and get married? I gave her a musical image that will be understandable to many. Imagine that a brass band is playing: large trumpets, tubas, drums, cymbals... Your son is standing in the middle of this orchestra. And a girl approaches the orchestra and tries to play a melody of love on the violin. Will she be heard in this roar of maternal love?
Maternal love, having a blood and long-term relationship of living together with a child, is energetically very strong. And it is extremely difficult for a daughter-in-law to overcome such strong maternal love with her love (and often insufficiently revealed). The situation becomes even more complicated when living together with parents. Therefore, young people need to start life on their own, especially if their parents do not have love for each other, there is no happy life. Under the influence of maternal love, love between young people can easily fade away. For this reason, a huge number of divorces occur, many destinies are broken.
One woman tells me: “My daughter married a guy who is very attached to his mother, and she constantly interferes in the lives of the young people. I tried to talk to my son-in-law’s mother about how this is preventing them from building their lives, but she doesn’t understand. And the son-in-law perceives this as the norm. How should I deal with this situation?
The answer here is the following. Firstly, this situation suggests that this woman herself has excessive love for her daughter - otherwise nothing like this would have happened. Life is a mirror of a person’s inner state, therefore like is attracted to like. You need to realize this and let go of your daughter yourself, give her more independence and help her show femininity.
Ask - how? And here - secondly: the mother herself needs to take care of her femininity! It is necessary to become an example for young people and show the true way of developing relationships in the family. You need to pay attention to yourself, to creating and strengthening your couple, to increasingly reveal the facets of your happiness, and then the children will gradually begin to change. And then, you see, the other mother will begin to change.
The older the children become, the closer the mother gets to old age, the more maternal feeling becomes more “seasoned.” The sense of ownership in this love increases, it becomes aggressive, and children, feeling this, try to stay as far away from their mother as possible. The conflict is growing. The mother, in order to tie her children to her, begins to get sick in order to play on pity.
So that children, when they become adults, do not leave their parents, you need to direct your love not at them, but at yourself, at your marital relationship! And if there is no couple, then you need to build your life in such a way that a couple is created, so that the relationship develops, and then children will be increasingly attracted to their mother, to their parents, as to the sun, which shines and warms and does not burn. By focusing on their development, on building ever deeper relationships as a couple, parents become more interesting to their children, and they will strive for them.
Psychologists and doctors know the term “mental incest”, the so-called mental “incest”. In this case, it looks like this: the mother uses love for her son as a substitute for love for a man. This leads to the failure to reveal his masculine qualities. He is either infantile (feminine man), unadapted to life, cannot start a family and lead it to happiness, or is aggressive, including towards his dearly loving mother, trying through aggression, alcoholism, drugs to establish himself as a man and unknowingly settle accounts with his mother for a ruined life. Sometimes such children directly tell their mother: “You ruined my life!” But she doesn’t understand and is still offended by these true words.
Mother's love can create many more problems. This is a topic of large research, now we can only consider a small part of it. For example, A father’s dislike for his children is often based on jealousy towards them due to the fact that the wife pays more attention and love to the children. The husband himself does not understand why he does not love the child. And the wife does not understand, and is offended by her husband, and reproaches him for not loving his children enough... That is, she shifts from a sore head to a healthy one. And the wheel of problems began to spin.
Often mothers, due to strong maternal feelings, due to their close attachment to the child, cannot objectively evaluate his behavior, his qualities and build illusions in relation to him. Therefore, many of the child’s antics and actions are unexpected for them. Under the pressure of strong maternal feelings, children become capricious and aggressive, and parents experience tension in communicating with them, cannot find the necessary form of relationship and begin to adapt to the needs of the children or begin to put pressure on them, demanding that they respond with the same strong feeling.
Strong maternal feelings violate the child's freedom and prevent him from expressing himself. The mother imposes her worldview; she lacks genuine interest in the world of the child himself. This may manifest itself in increased control over him. When we see a child’s aggressiveness towards his mother, we can safely look for the cause in excessive maternal feelings.
You can often find maternal “love from the mind.” The mother begins to raise the child “according to science.” It becomes an experimental testing ground for her teaching abilities. And mothers forget that the child was given to them mainly so that they could educate themselves!
Children are our little teachers, and often wiser ones. They are given so that parents can live happier lives. This is what we need to learn from children, then they will take what they need from their parents and be happy.
Very often, parents try to realize their unfulfilled dreams through their children. As a rule, nothing good comes from this.
Often the mother focuses on the child in order to get rid of the meaninglessness of her life She builds a relationship with him as a “master-slave” or as a “lover”, ready to fulfill all his desires and whims. In both cases, she does not allow him to show independence, suppresses initiative and creates in him irresponsibility and helplessness. Since she tries to do everything for the child, he becomes dependent on the whims of the mother, and the mother - on the whims of the child. He becomes a capricious appendage of the mother, and she is happy with this situation.
In such a union, the father becomes superfluous in the family. And he begins to fight with the child for lost influence, or starts drinking, or leaves the family. Psychologically, everything has already been prepared by the mother herself from the moment the child appears, and the care itself is a consequence. Women often don't realize the real reason what happened and bring down their anger on the “unfaithful”, on the “homewrecker”, aggravating the situation, further uniting with the child against the father. Problems cannot be avoided here.
Due to a violation of the value system in the family, a man finds himself in a more difficult position in society. This can affect his career and leads to even greater difficulties in his relationship with his wife. “Relegated” from the first position in the family, a man finds it difficult to realize himself in society. He can no longer “fly” and reveal his talents, but will “crawl” on the ground and “plow.” It is increasingly difficult for him to provide for his family financially, and a woman can take on the leading role in this area and further displace her husband from the family space.This especially often happens when a woman has strong-willed traits.
The father's humiliation will also manifest itself in children. In them, male energies will be humiliated and will attract corresponding events. There will be men around the girl who will humiliate her in every possible way, and the guy will most likely have a wife who will put him under his thumb. Nothing comes from nothing, and Children's problems grow out of parents' problems. That's why wise parents wanting to help their children, they take care of themselves and their relationships.
The big theme is when a wife reveals maternal feelings so strongly that she includes her husband in the space of maternal love - he becomes another “child”, and she becomes another “mommy” for him. Women do not hesitate to talk about their husband as if they were their child - they simply do not understand that by doing so they show that they have ceased to be women. This is the basis for many problems, including the following: someone will see in him not a son, but a man, and will take him away.
The issue of interaction between mother and daughter requires special consideration. Particularly great difficulties arise where adult daughter lives with his single mother. And if the daughter cannot overcome the influence of her mother, reveal her feminine qualities and separate from her, then the mother can completely block her destiny. A mother can use her daughter’s energies and live energetically at her expense. The daughter will get sick, age faster, and the mother will live and live...
It is known that a daughter living next to her mother ages faster if they do not develop spiritually. And the mother can live in this way much longer than the period allotted to her - the daughter, with her energies, supports the mother’s health. That is, she sacrifices her happiness, her purpose. And now they are already like two elderly women, and later like two old women living under one roof. They become very similar friend at each other and it’s hard to even understand that they are mother and daughter.
If a woman does not decide her main task life - to give love, to create the Space of Love, then the most precious thing is taken away from her - youth.
Sometimes a girl shows strong maternal love from early childhood. If you do not take special measures in her upbringing, then, as she grows up, the daughter can force her mother out of the family, right up to her death - it is difficult for two mothers to get along under one roof. But the daughter may also be left without a family. For her, family will be her brothers, sisters, and father. I also know such examples, and there are much more of them than it seems at first glance. Again, here salvation lies in the ever-growing love of a mother for her husband, in the revelation of femininity.
Let us touch on another facet of the relationship between parents and children using the following example. My daughter graduated well from college, and interesting job offers appeared. She lived with her mother and, naturally, her mother helped her financially. After some time, the girl had difficulties with her job, and then she was fired altogether.
Intuitively feeling that her mother was somehow interfering with her realization, the girl moved to another city and found an interesting job. The mother “strained herself” and began to help even more - because the expenses had increased. The girl again had difficulties, and she was again left without work.
The reason for all these events is a violation of the principle - children can be helped financially only until they enter independent life, and then let them earn money themselves. I have already said that animals are often wiser than humans in these matters - they feed their young only up to a certain age. And excessive maternal human feelings and pity do their detrimental work. We need to remember a simple truth: if parents gave an adult child one hundred rubles, then he will lose (or not earn) a thousand, that is, ten, and sometimes a hundred times more.
A mother raising a child alone is a very common case today. The main reason for this situation is excessive maternal feeling. A woman translates the energies of femininity into the energies of motherhood and does not sound like a woman. In her value system, a man does not come first, so he will not come into this space, and if he does, it will not be for long. And the woman is surprised that men do not linger, and accuses them of inconstancy.
This is a well-known axiom: single-parent and conflict families are the result of increased love for the child and a violation of the value system in the family. And conflicts in the family and single-parent families trigger the next round of problems, further disrupting the development of the child’s personality. As a result, disharmonious children come into life and begin to create their lives in the image and likeness of their parents.
Many women say: “Yes, I love my husband! But he still drinks.” What is the basis of such love? And when you start to look more carefully, it turns out that love is based on pity for your husband, and not on respect for him. Let us return once again to pity, this scourge of human relationships.
Pity feeds on maternal energies, and respect grows with the growth of feminine energies!
Pity is shown to the weak. Feeling sorry and showing maternal qualities, a woman humiliates a man, deliberately puts him below herself, and then makes claims against him that he cannot be realized in life. It was from the woman-mother that the expression came: I regret it, it means I love it. Pity is a simple and objective test for the presence of excessive maternal feelings in a woman.
The complexity of the issue lies in the fact that outwardly everything looks natural. The mother takes care of the child, worries about him, gets upset if something happens to him. How else? Don't care, don't worry? Firstly, everything should be in moderation. Secondly, all relationships with children should be built not on pity or a sense of ownership (“this is my child”), but on the understanding that
A child is an independent soul, and she came to live her experience, and the task of parents is to create the necessary conditions and the greatest freedom to gain experience.
I know many examples when there are two children in a family, and the mother shows stronger feelings for one of them. And the fate of the less loved one is much better than that of the favorite. In one family, a girl was left to herself from a young age and, however, grew into an independent, active person, and now it is she who provides the greatest help to her parents, and the son, whom the mother loved more and closely looked after and on whom she most of all hoped, grew up passive and a drinking egoist.
From childhood, the child is imbued with a sincere and deep feeling of love for his mother. The word “mother” is significant in all languages. And the child is open to reciprocal feelings from the mother, and therefore what comes from the mother penetrates the child very deeply.
The mother has the strongest energetic impact, and her state is instantly transmitted to the child. You need to understand this and monitor your thoughts and emotions.
Resentment, irritation, jealousy, and anger towards the child’s father have a particularly negative impact on the child’s upbringing. These low energies deeply affect the child's psyche and lay down difficult programs. The negative impact also occurs when the child does not hear these words. He gets used to low energies, becomes irritable, capricious, begins to vampirize, and then goes through life as a consumer, and can become an antisocial element.
Here I have outlined only some aspects of this most complex topic - excessive maternal feelings. Misconceptions about maternal love, that it is sacred and not subject to discussion, have penetrated very deeply into all spheres of life. This attitude is rooted in traditions, in life itself, in songs and proverbs, and that is why it is so difficult to see the negative sides in it, and without this it is impossible to change the current state of affairs.
Someone may have a question: why is it only about mother’s love? Isn't a father's love excessive? This also happens, but much less frequently. The greatest trouble, and a massive one, is created by women, who have every reason to become much more attached to the child and have the greatest responsibility for the Space of Love. And there is no need to smooth out the problem.
Fathers sometimes experience love for their daughter, turning into jealousy, which prevents her from finding her mate and starting a family. But, again, such a feeling can arise when there is not enough love between parents, and a man “gets” the missing energies in his daughter, not wanting to let her go. Sometimes this takes wild forms of despotism, and daughters are raped on this basis. (More often a man “gets money” on the side.)
To conclude this article, I will quote the words of a remarkable philosopher from India. From Osho (Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh) I chose the words in which he gives advice to women:
“Motherhood is the biggest responsibility in the world.
Motherhood is a great art, and it needs to be learned. Start learning the art of being a mother! I would like to give you some advice.
Firstly, never treat a child as an object of your property; a child cannot be owned. He enters the world thanks to you, but does not belong to you. The Lord used you as a tool, as a means, but the child is not your property. Love him, but never own him.
If the mother starts possessing the child, his life will become miserable. You destroy his personality, you turn him into just a thing. You can only own a thing: you can own a house, a car, but you can never own a person.
Secondly, treat your child the same way you would treat an adult. Never treat him like a fool. Show your child deep respect. The Lord has chosen you as his master. The Lord has entered into you as a guest. It is very difficult to respect a child. It's very easy to humiliate him. It is easy to humiliate a child because he is helpless.
A child should be treated with great respect, just like an adult. If you respect a child, you will not try to impose your views on him. Don't try to force anything on him. Just give him freedom, freedom to explore the world. Help him become more confident in this knowledge, but never tell him the direction of movement. Give him energy, provide him protection and security: that's all he needs. Let the child explore the world on his own, away from you.
But, of course, freedom does not exclude mistakes. It is very difficult for a mother to understand that by giving freedom to a child, we also give him the right to make mistakes. A child should have the right to do something bad, wrong. Help the child become aware, reasonable, but do not command him, no one follows these orders anyway, children simply grow up to be hypocrites.
Thirdly, don't listen to morality, don't listen to religion, don't listen to culture: listen to Nature. Everything that is natural is good, even if it causes you difficulties and troubles. The reason for such feelings is due to the fact that you yourself were not raised in accordance with Nature. Your parents raised you as best they could, but this upbringing was not real art, love. Everything happened by chance. Don't repeat old mistakes.
Let Nature take care of everything. You are needed only to open up to your natural gifts. So, love, respect, help in a way that does not disturb the child.
Fourthly, when a child is born, not only is he born - this is only one part of the process - the mother is also born, you are also born again. A child has a very strong influence on you. It enriches you. You become a different person."
One day I heard a little girl, clinging to her mother, say: “You are my dear!” These words contain the truth itself - the mother and father who conceived a child are gods! After all, conception occurs in love. Let this be one of the manifestations of love - attraction, but this is also part of love. Without love, a child cannot be born! And the “higher quality” the parents’ love, the “higher quality” the fruit of love. AND so that the child’s future life will also be High Quality, parents need to continue to show more and more love for each other. And a child, as he grows up, needs more and more friendship. This is the only way a harmonious person is formed. This is the only way parents realize their divinity. Otherwise, events develop according to the proverb with which this article begins, and which, in my opinion, reflects all the issues on this topic, the cause and effect of this problem: “A mother’s heart is in her children, and a child’s is in stone!”
It is customary to speak of maternal love as sacred. And, unfortunately, very few people think that excessive maternal love can cause a lot of trouble, hopelessly cripple not only the life of the mother herself, but also her child.
All the best for children?
Modern society is not sufficiently aware of the negative meaning of excessive maternal love, states the outstanding Russian psychologist and writer Alexei Nekrasov in his numerous journalistic articles and scientific studies. Society has a wrong idea of maternal love. It is considered normal for a woman to devote her life to children, to put children in the family first, to sacrifice herself for the sake of children and to take care of them in every possible way almost until old age (which is especially typical for Ukrainian reality). Meanwhile, he argues, by putting children first in the general system of life values, a woman voluntarily takes the path of destroying her own family and does a huge “disservice” to her beloved child.
Is this love?
In so-called maternal love there are often many hidden feelings that have little in common with real love:
- A sense of ownership, which is expressed in the confidence that the child is “mine” for the rest of his life. A child is not your thing and not your property. With your help, he came into this world, and after that she became a full-fledged free person.
- Selfishness and concern for one's own satisfaction. The belief that the child “must” help and provide in old age, the notorious image of a “glass of water.”
- Projection of one’s own failures and unfulfilled life aspirations. The desire to realize in a child her unfulfilled desires, dreams, to make him the way the mother herself would like to be, but did not, either because of weakness of will or because of laziness.
- A pity. Feeling sorry for the child, the mother tries to protect him from any mistakes, to do everything herself, thereby developing in him such qualities as infantilism, lack of independence, passivity in life, the desire to always “move out” at the expense of others and rely on someone.
Thus, in some ways, fanatical maternal love can rather be called only a maternal feeling.
Results of excessive maternal love
They may appear as follows:
- The child becomes completely dependent on the mother. He will never be able to achieve emotional and mental maturity and will forever remain in the “placenta” of his mother, which will not allow him, in turn, to build harmonious relationships in his own family, if there is one at all.
- The demands of an overly loved child are endless. He will constantly want more - more attention, more pleasure, more toys, etc. When such children are refused, they begin to whine and complain. The child will certainly grow up to be selfish and will expect the same degree of attention from other people in his life. When he realizes that other people are not going to give him as much attention as he is accustomed to receiving, he often finds himself unable to bear the disappointment. Often such people lose self-confidence, become drunkards, etc.
Distortion in the system of life values
Most problems in modern families arise because a child or children become more important to a woman than her husband, says Alexey Nekrasov. It is worth understanding that the main purpose of marriage for a woman is not the birth and raising of children, but the revelation of her own individuality and feminine essence, self-improvement through love for a man. “Believe me, it is not so important for a child that all your immense love is directed towards him,” he claims.
In order for a harmonious, self-confident person to grow up in a family, it is necessary that the relationship between parents is also harmonious and full of true love. And when a woman puts the child first in the family, problems cannot be avoided. The husband feels out of place in the family. A man who is “retracted” from his natural first position will also not be able to fully realize himself not at work, not in society. The humiliation of the father will certainly manifest itself on the children. In the future, the daughter will have men who will humiliate her, and the son, following the example of his father, will grow up weak-willed and infantile. That is why wise parents who want real happiness for their children take care of their own relationships.
SON
- The “duty” to love our parents turns us into hypocrites.- It is necessary to get out from under parental influence, to stop meeting the expectations of parents.
All parents have hopes for their children, but these hopes only destroy them. One must free oneself from the guardianship of one's parents - just as one day a child leaves the mother's womb, otherwise it will become the cause of death for him. After nine months, the child needs to be born, he needs to leave the mother’s body. The child must come out, no matter how painful the mother is, no matter how empty she feels. Then one day the day comes when the child must free himself from the expectations of his parents. Only then, for the first time in his life, does he rightfully become a person, an independent person. Then he gets to his feet. Then he truly becomes free. And if parents act consciously, with understanding, then they will help the child become as free as possible and as quickly as possible. They will not raise their children to exploit them; they will teach children love.
The time has come for a completely different world to be born, where people work... The carpenter will work because he loves the forest. A teacher will work because he loves to teach. A shoemaker will make shoes because he likes it. Today there is complete confusion. The shoemaker became a surgeon; the politician became a carpenter. Both are unhappy. It seems that all life is seething with anger. Look at the people - everyone has angry faces. It seems that everything is out of place, they are not doing what they were intended for by nature. It seems like there are only losers all around. Everyone is dissatisfied with the very concept of gain; it haunts them.
I heard a great story:
Once in heaven, Mrs. Ginsberg shyly turned to the angel - the heavenly scribe:
“Tell me,” she asked, “would it be possible for me to see some of those who got here earlier?”
“Of course,” replied the angel, “provided that the person you have in mind is here.”
“Oh, She's in heaven, I'm sure of it,” Mrs. Ginsberg said. - Actually, I want to see the Virgin Mary.
The angel coughed.
- Yes, you know, it so happened that She is in another sector, but if you insist, then I will convey your request to Her. She is a kind lady and may wish to visit the neighboring area.
The request was conveyed to Her, and She really showed kindness. It wasn't long before Mrs. Ginsberg found herself in Maria's company. Mrs. Ginsberg peered at the shining figure in front of her for a long time, and finally said:
- Please forgive my curiosity, but I always wanted to ask you about this. Tell me, what is it like to have such a wonderful son that after his passing hundreds of millions of people pray to him as if he were God?
“Honestly, Mrs. Ginsberg, we hoped that he would become a doctor,” answered the Virgin Mary.
Parents always hope, and their hopes become poison. I'll tell you what: love children, but never have any hopes for them. Love your children as much as you can and let them feel that they are loved sincerely and not for some practical reason. Love your children unconditionally and let them feel that their parents love them for who they really are. They are not obliged to fulfill their parents' demands. Children have the right to choose what to do, but this should in no way affect their parents' love for them.
Parental love for children should be unconditional. Only then can a completely different world be created. Then people will be able to choose for themselves and do what they like. People will naturally gravitate to where their subconscious takes them.
Until a person feels satisfied, until he finds something more important than the necessary work - a holiday for the soul, his calling, he will not be happy to have the kind of parents he has, because his parents are the reason for his failed life. He will not be grateful to them, he will have nothing to thank them for. Only by receiving satisfaction can one be immensely grateful. And human satisfaction is possible only if he is not treated as a thing. His purpose is to become a man. Its purpose is to realize your inner worth. Its purpose is to become self-sufficient.
Do you need to give all your strength to love?
The father insists: “Love me - I am your father!”, and the child can only pretend that he loves him. A child has no need to love even his mother. This is one of the laws of nature when a mother experiences instinctive love for her child, but not vice versa: the child does not have instinctive love for his mother. He needs his mother - that's one thing, he uses her - that's another, but there is no such law of nature that a child is obliged to love his mother. He likes her because she helps him in everything, without her he would not survive.
Love flows down from mother to child. The mother is the source, and love flows forward to the new generation.
But the child is pretending, because the mother says: “I am your mother - you must love me!” What can a child do? All he can do is pretend, and he turns into a politician. Every child from the cradle becomes a politician. He smiles a Jimmy Carter smile when his mother walks into the room! He may not be happy at all, but he should smile. He must open his mouth and exercise his lips - it helps him, it is required for survival. But such love becomes false. Having once known surrogate love, cheap artificial love, it will be very difficult to determine the original, real, true one. Then the child will have to love his brothers and sisters, without any reason. In fact, who should love their sister and why? All these ideas were implanted in order to keep the family together. But this whole process of falseness leads to the fact that when a person falls in love, his love also becomes false.
You have already forgotten about true love. You fall in love with hair color - but what does love have to do with it? In two days you won't even look at your hair color. Or you fall in love with the shape of your nose or eyes, but after the honeymoon it all seems boring! And then you have to get out of the situation: pretend, deceive. Your spontaneity has been spoiled and poisoned; otherwise you wouldn't fall in love with individual body parts. But that's exactly what happens. If someone asks you: “Why do you love this woman or man?”, you will answer: “Because she looks gorgeous” or “Because of her nose, eyes, body proportions, etc.” But all this is nonsense! Such a love will not be deep, will not have any value. It will not develop into spiritual intimacy. It doesn't have enough charge to last a lifetime; Soon the river of love will dry up - it is so shallow. This feeling was born not in the heart, but in the mind. She may look like an actress, and therefore you like her, but admiring her does not mean loving her. Love is a completely different feeling that is difficult to define; it is mysterious, so mysterious that Jesus says about it: “God is love.” For him, God and love are equivalent in meaning and cannot be defined. But such real love forgotten.
You ask: “Do you need to give all your strength to love?” You think it's a matter of quantity. Love is not something you should or shouldn't do. This is a heartfelt feeling. It goes beyond the mind and body. This is not prose, but poetry. This is not mathematics, but music. Love is a state. But all these definitions limit human freedom. Love cannot be controlled, it cannot be ordered anything. It is impossible to force yourself to love with all your might. But this is exactly what people do, and that is why there is no love in the world.
What should love for a mother be like?
A mother needs to be loved in a completely different way. She is not your lover, she cannot be. If you become too attached to your mother, you will not be able to find a lover. Deep inside you will be very angry with her, because it was because of her that you could not leave for another woman. Leaving parents is a stage of human development - just as a fetus is inside the mother and then leaves her. Thus, when a child leaves his mother, it feels like... betrayal. But if inside the mother the child thought: “How can I leave the mother who gave me life?”, then it would kill both him and her. He is forced to leave his mother's body.
In the beginning, the child and the mother were one; but then the umbilical cord needs to be cut. He begins to breathe on his own - this is the beginning of his development and growth. He becomes an individual, he begins to function separately. But for many years he will still remain addicted. He needs milk, food, a roof over his head, love - he depends on his mother for everything; he is helpless. But as he gets stronger, he begins to move further away. He no longer needs milk, but now he is forced to depend on another kind of food. And this alienates him even more.
One day he will go to school, make friends. Having become a young man, he falls in love with a girl and almost completely forgets about his mother, because his new woman has taken over his entire being and stunned his feelings. If this does not happen, then something is broken. If the mother tries to cling to him, then she is not fulfilling her maternal responsibility. This duty is very delicate. The mother must contribute to the development and strength of her son so that he can leave her. This is her love. Then she fulfills her duty. If the son continues to cling to his mother, then he is doing wrong, going against the laws of nature. It's like a river that decides to move upstream... everything turns upside down.
Mother is your source. If a son swims to his mother, he will swim against the current. We need to get away from her. The river must move away from its source, heading towards the ocean. But this does not mean that a person should not love his mother.
Remember: love for your mother should be more like respect than love. Love for a mother is more like gratitude, respect, deep respect. She gave you life, she brought you into the world. Your love for her should be very much like prayer. Do everything in your power to help her. But your love for her should not be the same as your love for a girl; otherwise you will confuse your mother with your beloved. When concepts are confused, you yourself will experience confusion. Remember well: in life you need to find a lover - not a mother, but another woman. Only in this case will you truly become mature man, because going to another woman completely cuts you off from your mother; the last connecting thread to it is cut.
That is why in life there is a subtle antagonism between the mother and the son's wife; very subtle antagonism; it is typical for the whole world. This is as it should be, because the mother feels that this woman has taken her son from her. And this, one might say, is natural.
Naturally, but unconsciously. The mother should be happy that her son has another woman. Now her child is no longer a child; he became an adult, mature man. She should feel happy, right?
So, a person can become mature only if he leaves his mother. And this happens on many levels of existence. One day the son must rebel against his mother, but with respect, deep respect. However, we need to rebel. This is where you need to show delicacy: there is a revolution, there is a rebellion, but with great respect. If there is no respect, then everything becomes disgusting, rebellion loses all its charm. Something is lost in all this. Protest, be free, but respect, for mother and father are your source of life.
So, you need to leave your parents. Sometimes you not only need to get away from them, but also go against them. But this should not be accompanied by anger. It shouldn't be ugly, it should be beautiful and full of respect. If you decide to leave, leave, but fall at the feet of your father and mother. Explain to them that you need to leave them... cry. But tell them that it doesn't depend on you, you have to go. Life is calling you, you need to go. People cry when they leave their parents' house. They look back again and again, and in their eyes there is longing and nostalgia. It was a great time. But what to do?
If you continue to cling to the house, you will remain underdeveloped. You will remain a teenager. You will never become an independent man. That's why I tell you: leave with respect. In difficult times, help them, be there. But never confuse your mother with your lover; she is your mother.
Mothers - sons
A woman complains about difficulties in her relationship with her adult son.
– What does your son mean to you?
- Oh, it's hard to put into words. This is something bigger than my life. No, I can’t explain it,” says the mother of a 25-year-old son.
Like many women, this client became somewhat disillusioned with her husband at the fifth anniversary of her marriage. Ardent courtship is a thing of the past. Common interests, dreams, the enormous attention he paid to her are all in the past.
Our grooms are not like our husbands. When we got married, my husband was away from home for a long time. He worked. On weekends I hung out in the garage or went hunting. He needed to meet friends. What about her? She learned it as a commandment: one must preserve the hearth and hearth. What did she want? She wanted emotional closeness, attention to herself, love.
By five to seven years of marriage, the husband almost disappears from the portrait of her family. Physically he may be home sometimes, but emotionally...he is not.
Naturally, someone must fill the empty space in the family portrait. No, not a lover this time. My client has a SON.
The attachment to him is so strong and lasting (this is for life!) that it cannot be compared with any lover. She felt comfortable with her son, their spiritual closeness is obvious.
The husband did not crave emotional intimacy. For many husbands, it is simply an incomprehensible matter - to be interested in the inner world of their wife and share their own.
The son provided consolation. He allowed us to build warm and lasting relationships with him. The one who always needs it is her son. Being needed is the hallmark of codependents.
Her daughter would not live up to her expectations. The daughter will grow up and be just like her. And the son will conquer the world, he will turn into strong man. He will do what she herself would do if she were a man. Her level of aspiration is high. The son will make up for what she, the woman, lacks.
It is possible that the son will have a different opinion about his purpose. This does not prevent his mother from idealizing him and praying for him. Can you imagine how strong their emotional connection is? Try to separate yourself from your mother. Will not work. A strong attachment to her son gives the mother the opportunity to feel like a woman. This is an important need. To be loved, to be valued, to be respected. All this is part of the need to be a woman.
A woman with satisfied sexuality and a close attachment to her husband will subconsciously communicate to her son that her attachment to him is natural, full of joy, and not a substitute for something she needs. The son is conveyed a calm awareness of his place in the world - he is neither the navel of the earth nor abandoned in the worst place. Over time, he will come to understand what kind of man can satisfy the needs and desires of a woman.
An unsatisfied woman will tie her son to her with powerful chains. She simply cannot cut the umbilical cord. Why? She really needs it to satisfy her immediate needs, to assert herself as a woman.
An unhappily married woman with an emotionally unavailable husband feels something like this: I don’t have a man, I need a man to complement my feminine weakness, so I can’t afford to lose my son. My son is all I have. She will idealize and overprotect him.
Part of her behavior is motivated by the fear of losing her son, especially losing her to another woman. She will emphasize the purity of her love in comparison with the greed and treachery of all the women who want to take possession of him. In essence, she tells him that there is no greater love in the world than her love. Do you now understand why mama's boys are bad husbands?
In search of self-identification, i.e. in search of an answer to the question: “Who am I?” the son turns to his father. What if the mother belittles the father, mocks the father? Then the son will not want to be like his father. How can he admire his mother if she belittles his father? Are there many such smart women who didn’t say in their family in front of their children: “Look what my good-for-nothing husband did last week!” In my office, wives call their husbands “underdeveloped,” “drunks,” “it,” “something pathetic,” “the one who would be lost without me.”
Let’s say it slipped off the tongue, her patience is not ironclad. What if humiliation of a spouse occurs constantly? If the relationship between spouses is cold, alienated? Then the son does not identify himself with the father. A process begins that psychologists call “demasculinization” or “psychological castration.” Yes, the mother deprives her son of signs of masculinity.
Until the son identifies himself with the father, he is forced to identify himself with the mother - the embodiment of the real ruling force in the house. The son will prove that he is not a weak person, as the father is considered in the house. The son may have an internal conflict - simultaneous resistance to both father and mother. A son may fight against his mother for the right to become a man. In fact, men become what they resist. In this situation, he will be like a mother. But he will not become a full-fledged man. He, being connected by a strong umbilical cord to his mother, cannot become independent.
As the son reaches adulthood, the internal conflict may increase. He simultaneously rejects his mother and desires her presence, but he is always comfortable with her. He does not want to have a wife who resembles his mother, but often chooses just such a woman. He wants another woman to take care of him exactly the way his mother did. At the same time, he wishes his wife’s care was not so intense.
The son easily develops a feeling of guilt before his mother, perhaps because he did not really satisfy all of his mother’s demands; she expected too much from him. Feelings of guilt can be projected onto the wife in the form of aggression, not necessarily a fight, sometimes it is aggression of feelings, words, attitudes. There is something vengeful about the entire female tribe in his position.
The mother also experiences conflicting feelings. She wishes her son to mature, grow, and at the same time wants to take care of him like a little boy. The pleasure from this cannot be compared with anything. Motherhood is not only sacrificial, but also selfish, we give birth for ourselves. After all, she had so few joys with her husband.
She knows that her son will leave for another woman, and she hates all his sexuality, all these impulses that will tear her boy away from her. It was this feeling that dictated her desire to criticize his girls, not to call him to the phone when the girls called. And now she is very critical of his wife.
Tatyana married a man who was and still remains the center of the universe for his mother. Even now, 10 years after the wedding, Alexey jumps out with joyful enthusiasm when he hears his mother’s call. All these 10 years, Alexey has been comparing Tatyana with her mother and, of course, not in Tatyana’s favor. What about Tatyana? Every time she asks, maybe Alyosha is right? Maybe I'm really a bad housewife? Maybe I really am a bad mother?
Alexey visits his mother once a week and has lunch there. Lunch is accompanied by the comment: “Let the boy eat a decent lunch at least once a week.”
When the mother-in-law comes to her son and Tatyana, she looks into the closets and checks whether the sheets are with sheets and the tablecloths are with tablecloths. The mother should make sure that the toilet is clean. Least favorite expression: “The toilet is the face of the housewife.”
Tatyana occasionally complains about his mother’s shameless behavior, but Alexey always says: “This can’t be, you’re exaggerating everything,”
When Tatyana got married, she hoped that Alexey would take care of her. He seemed to her strong, loving, responsive. Tanya soon discovered that he expected her to take care of her, as if she were a child. What his mother used to do for him should now be done by his wife, that’s what he wants. Tanya doesn't understand why her husband is not sensitive to his wife's needs.
It’s difficult for Alexey. He is in an ambiguous position, between two fires. Mom’s question is in the air: “Who do you love more, her or me?”
It is not for nothing that the Bible says: “And he said: For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two will become one flesh, so that they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore, what God has joined together, let not man put asunder.” (Matt. 19.5,6.)
We are not talking about literally leaving father and mother, abandoning them, stopping caring. It's about cutting the emotional cord and deciding who you are first - your wife's husband or your mother's son. Both roles are important, but one role must come first and one role must come second. Alexey did not resolve this issue.
Without resolving this issue, it is difficult to “stick” to your wife and form a new emotional connection.
A sensible mother knows that when a son gets married, his first duty is to take care of his wife. If he got married, then he took on these obligations before God, and if he signed at the registry office, then before the state. Some mothers don't want to admit it, and their sons don't want to change the rules of the game.
"Mama's boys" love the joyful excitement that their mother creates around them. The son receives unconditional love. Whatever he does, he is loved. Love without any conditions, so necessary small child, but irrelevant now. He is praised for his minimal services.
Harsh criticism of a son can also serve the same purpose - to reinforce the strongest emotional attachment between mother and son.
My son wants to go to work in a remote area, as happened with my nephew. What did his mother do? She was sharply criticized for this decision. Her arguments: you make good money at this job too. Stay with what you have. Keep your head down, don't take risks. Be content with less. The main and secret desire of the mother is to be with me, need me, remain dependent on me. Explanation: my sister, my nephew’s mother, has been divorced from her husband for a long time.
Emilia said: “My adult married son brags about his extramarital victories over women. Well, what can I tell him? I feel sorry for his wife, but I can’t ruin my relationship with my son. What’s happening to him is terrible. But at least he trusts and tells me about this. I can’t say: stop these connections. I can’t ruin my relationship with my son. I can’t afford to lose him."
Emilia can be calm. No matter how many women a son has, she – his mother – comes first. The subtext of his retellings of his adventures is something like this: “You, Mom, are an incomparable woman. I have other girlfriends whom I use for sex. But I only love you alone.”
The son needs this boundless maternal love, as before. According to his passport, he is 37 years old, but according to his level of maturity and dependence on his mother, he is 7 years old. After all, his wife cannot give him as much unconditional love as his mother does. If his wife does something good to him, then he feels obligated to repay the same. These are already obligations. This is a responsibility. Repertoire of adult life. And mother does not demand anything in return, as long as he is with her, her forever little boy.
Some men raised by single women do not marry at all or marry late. They cannot decide to break with the atmosphere of admiration that their mother has created.
Polina Ivanovna, the mother of a 40-year-old son, verbally expresses her desire for Yura to get married. And he immediately admires the fact that he is such a caring son, he has never gone on vacation without his mother. It is noteworthy that Yura is obese. His mother made him unmanly even in the shape of his body. His mother demasculinized him. The layer of fat seems to protect him from the attacks of women.
It is easy to be a good mother if you are satisfied with your relationship with your husband or at least with your lover. good mother sees in his son, although close, but a separate person, another, and not a continuation of himself. Often "mama's boys" become addicted to alcohol or drugs.
It is very difficult to change anything in such relationships. The mother's relationship with her son is of the nature of attraction. And yet there was one woman in my group who understood her attraction to her son. She managed to change herself to some extent. Here's how she talks about it herself:
– My son is now 27 years old. When he was a young man, I was so strongly attached to him that I don’t remember a moment when I didn’t think about him. If he didn’t return home by 11 p.m., I couldn’t find a place for myself. I was a complete bundle of nerves. One day he told me: “Mom, of course, I can come home even at 22 o’clock. But don’t you understand that you are making my life miserable?” These words shocked me, I thought about them for a long time. Gradually, I began to realize that love and my excessive affection are not the same thing. In the group (meaning a psychotherapeutic group), I was finally convinced that I needed to untie myself from my son. What helped me? Don't know. But I often use a prayer that I learned in the group (we are talking about Gestalt prayer). Now I repeat it every day.
I do what I do.
And you do what you do.
I don't live in this world to
Meet your expectations.
And you don't live in this world to
Meet my expectations.
You are you, and I am me.
I repeated these words constantly. Of course, my love for my son has not diminished in any way. But, no matter how painful it was for me, I cut the umbilical cord connecting us and saw how he began to breathe on his own.
Now the son is married. I forbid myself to interfere in his life. Trust helps me. I remind myself that my son is no dumber than me and can understand what is best for him to do. And you know what I notice? Now we have become much closer and dearer. And I have also freed up a lot of energy that I spend on myself. I gave my son freedom and suddenly found my own.
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Mom... there is so much in this word. This is light, kindness, the power that can move mountains, revive you to life and save you from the most terrible illness. They say that a father loves a child for who he is, and a mother loves him for who he is. That is, mother’s love is unconditional and the most constant of all feelings inherent in a person. What is maternal love - in this article.
What does motherly love mean?
As often happens, until a woman has her own child, she does not understand what maternal love is. But as soon as he takes the living lump in his hands and looks into its bottomless eyes, it disappears, as they say. It is difficult to determine the nature of this feeling, because it is genetically embedded in us and determines the movement of evolution. A mother's love is what a defenseless baby, incapable of independent life, needs, and if he does not receive it, he may die. A mother loves her child a priori. She doesn't care what he looks like, how he studies, or what his character is.
She will find an excuse for any action and will be able to find advantages in shortcomings. Not every mother is capable of showing tenderness, care and warmth, because much depends on the atmosphere in which she herself grew up, but in difficult times and in situations of danger, she is ready to protect her child until last straw blood. IN modern society this is not literally required. Love lies in the desire and need to give, raise, teach, feed and clothe. As they say, prepare for your old age, because children are our future.
How does maternal love manifest itself?
If a woman is not completely selfish, he will give up your own desires for the sake of your child. She is no longer alone - a part of her is next to her, and she is ready to give her the whole world. Together with your child, rejoice and cry, grow and learn new things, explore the world. She will do everything to raise a full-fledged member of society, give and teach everything that she knows, help you realize yourself, get on your feet. Those who want to know what maternal love is capable of can answer that it can do a lot, if not everything.
She will move mountains for the sake of the child, she will look for the best doctors if he is sick, the best teachers if he has the ability. Great maternal love is reflected in religion. In Orthodoxy and other faiths there are many cases where the power of a mother’s prayer saved a child from imminent death. A mother has unlimited faith in her child and supports him, creates and protects him, without demanding anything in return, because her feelings are selfless.
Why is mother's love the strongest?
Because the woman understands that no one else needs her child but her. Yes, there are many cases in history when women raised other people’s children, and this was especially evident during times of war. Today, children continue to be adopted and accepted into families, but often the situation is dictated by the inability to have their own. The very concept of maternal love stands apart from all others. The love between a man and a woman can end, but the love between a mother and a child has no expiration date.
Blind maternal love is called such because the mother is simply not able to adequately evaluate her child. For her he is the best. That is why there are so rare cases when, at trial, the mothers of even the most notorious scoundrels abandoned them. Not everyone is ready to admit the mistakes of their upbringing, because this would mean that the woman was a bad mother, and few are ready to agree with this.
What is blind motherly love?
Unfortunately, not all mothers, when starting the much-needed care of their offspring, can stop in time and understand that the baby has already grown up and is ready for independent life. They continue to do for him what he can and wants to do himself. Often, women who are disappointed in men give birth to a child “for themselves,” making it. This is a dangerous situation that rarely leads to anything good.
Without thinking about how the child will live after the death of his mother, these women put an end to his fate from birth. As Anatoly Nekrasov writes in his book “Mother’s Love,” every time she helps her child, the mother deprives him of his own opportunity to improve his life. Unfortunately, this is unconditional maternal love and not everyone realizes that it also has a downside.
Mother's love for her son - psychology
A mother's love for her son is different from the feeling she feels for her daughter. This is largely due to gender differences. No, she does not see him as a sexual object, but the jealousy she feels towards potential daughters-in-law is inherent in her from the very beginning. A son's love for his mother is strong, but she raises him to care for him. It is so psychologically arranged that a man finds love and care in his family when he marries, and no longer needs the care of the one who gave birth to him.
Treatment with maternal love
The founder of mother therapy is B. Drapkin. His treatment is based on the enormous importance of the mother's voice for the child. He recommends that all women, while the child is sleeping, pronounce phrases out loud that will act as a setting. Psychotherapy with maternal love helps with various diseases, nervous disorders, tearfulness, and poor sleep. You can independently compose phrases that the mother wants to put into practice, and pronounce them over the crib of babies under the age of 4 years.
Films about mother's love
- "Dancing in the Dark" Lars von Trier. The film about the difficult fate of a single mother received an award at the Cannes Film Festival.
- "Where the heart is" directed by Matt Williams. Films about a mother's love deservedly include this film about a 17-year-old girl who decided to become a mother, being left alone.
- "My Sister's Angel" directed by Nick Cassavetes. The holy love of a mother played by Cameron Diaz helped her daughter fight cancer.
Books about mother's love
Stories about motherly love by famous writers include:
- "Please take care of mom" Kun-Sook Shin. Family members did not appreciate the efforts of his wife and mother at all, and when she disappeared, everyone’s life was turned upside down.
- "Mother's Heart" Marie-Laure Pica. The book is about a woman who devoted her whole life to her children, but was forced to say goodbye to them, as a serious illness took away her strength.
- "Calling the Doctor" Natalia Nesterova. The main character is abandoned by her own mother at birth. She grew up, became a doctor and came to a call to the house where the sick woman who gave birth to her was waiting for her.
