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Your doubts about the capabilities of your child, manifested, in particular, in hyper-guardianship (after all, the weak need guardianship!), Undermines his faith in his own strength, makes him passive and helpless and at the same time aggressive and distrustful.
Sadly, most parents in our culture don't think about things like trusting their children, and often the thought of trusting their child comes as a revelation to them. Moreover, in relation to one's own child, there is often a share of a certain skepticism - "he is too vulnerable", "she is not independent with me." To at least partly get rid of these prejudices, take a look at the second step.
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Step two. Get your life in order.
Stop caring about someone else's life and focus on your own. Finish those things that have been put on the back burner. Sometimes the heaviness of what-that we have to finish something develops into tension, which we unconsciously throw out on others. Put your house in order and get rid of all unnecessary things. Old things are echoes of the past that pull back, not forward. Make time for yourself to relax. Everyone has family problems, and they need to be solved, but this does not mean that we should forget about ourselves. Change your wardrobe, take care of your health, do what you have long wanted, but for some reason found excuses not to do it.
Step three. Become a role model for your child. Be a person who does not take, but gives resources!
How can a child become independent, reasonable, independent, if he has no one to take an example from? How will he take care of his health and look after his appearance if he does not see this in his family every day? We were all once small and wanted to be like someone, admire someone. Were these your parents when you were a child? Or maybe it was some book hero or famous actor? Those qualities that that person possessed, you really liked because of them, you once wanted to be like him, these are the resources. These qualities are manifested in actions. So if you notice that your daughter is being used by her friends, and even more so, you don’t like them, and you constantly tell your daughter: “Respect yourself and don’t communicate with these fools!”. Think about how you communicate with friends and do you respect yourself? Do you love yourself? If not, gather strength and will into a fist and start loving yourself. Show your child how to do it, don't force it. He or she will definitely notice and appreciate it. Thinking? Fine! Now ask yourself the question: How do you think your child would like to see you?
This will be a great gift for your child. Your main educational goal is for the child to acquire independence. And maybe it will take place not in instructions and advice, but in an expression of support and approval on this difficult path.
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Step four. Patience is gold.
Don't expect an outward change in your behavior to instantly affect your child's behavior. After all, during a spoiled relationship, the child found a lot of protection from your guardianship - it's just to ignore everything or not notice you and your life at all. But if the changes happen right away, they most likely will not be noticed and appreciated by you and the child. Because, as I mentioned above, habits and stereotypes play too great a role in the relations of close people, which do not allow you to sufficiently sensitively capture what is happening in another. But this week of emergency bonding with a child should be decisive for you.
Step five. Break the barriers of distrust!
Another name for this step I would call a trust action. This step is appropriate to use when there is some disagreement (barrier) in your relationship, which serves as a pretext for numerous quarrels and conflicts. For example, you do not allow your daughter to be friends with a guy who seems suspicious to you. Or you constantly scold your son for wanting to take an academy. Then the action of trust on your part will consist in the “public” removal (surrender) of a long-standing demand or ban, for example: “I thought about it and decided that quitting or not quitting your studies is, after all, your own business, you are an adult well, you can decide for yourself. I won’t say another word to you about this” or “After all, this is your personal life, you know him better, meet him whenever you want.”
If one of the problems was a ban on traveling somewhere, coming too late, etc., then its removal would also be such an action of trust. It is important that this does not look like a handout on your part or a demonstration according to the “Do as you know!” principle, but rather as a manifestation of trust, as evidence of a different, more mature and respectful attitude towards the child's personality. Of course, an action of trust will only be such if, having declared something, you never back down from your decision.
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Step six. Talk about your own feelings and experiences.
Any psychologist will recommend this to you, and I am no exception. This task is somewhat more difficult, if only because, before you begin to express your feelings, you yourself need to try to understand them. Therefore, it would be better if you yourself sign up for. On the site, the psychologist will carry out special work aimed at revealing what is hidden behind the behavior of your child. In working with you, the psychologist will not go into the "psychoanalysis" of your feelings. Psychological counseling will be about you, your needs, your child's behavior, your desires and visions of how you would like to improve the situation and how you have an ideal relationship with your child. Then work will begin on the realization of your desires and changing your behavioral tactics. Yours about the bad relationship with the child will decrease significantly during the psychological work.
Thus, your important behavioral change is a reorientation from constant control to the manifestation of your own feelings and experiences associated with the child, an inadequate expression of which, in a sense, is overprotection. Such a goal, at first glance, seems quite simple. This means that after working with a psychologist, your thinking should partially change and instead of “Don’t you dare even think about quitting college!” you will be able to say “I am so afraid that you will break your whole life if you stop studying. At one time, everyone advised me to finish my dissertation, but I just got married, there was absolutely no time, and in the end I was left with nothing, and I’m terribly afraid that you will succeed too. It would seem that the difference is small, but it is surprising how difficult it can be to simply complete the phrase "I feel that ...". Expressing your own feelings can be very effective in resolving a situation, because sometimes it is precisely because you rarely express your own feelings in front of anyone or are analyzed, so the feelings and experiences of others remain incomprehensible to you as well or are interpreted rather primitively: “He acts to spite me”, "She doesn't understand anything." But as soon as you can reveal your feelings to another - in this case, your own adult child - you may also be able to reveal the experiences of the child; and, having understood them, you may cease to feel the need to control or worry about anything (everything may turn out to be not so scary: the child is not too passive, friends are not so loose, etc.).
During a conversation with a psychologist, you will not only discuss the problem of feelings, but also talk about why it is so necessary to share them with others. A psychologist can help you feel what it means to express them.
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Step seven. How to successfully talk to your child about problems. How to organize a confidential conversation?
Changing attitudes is an extraordinarily complex process; in order to solve such a problem on your own, you need to have internal strengths or resources. If you don’t feel like that in yourself and think that you are at an impasse, it would be appropriate.
In any case, a confidential conversation with a child is important whether you signed up for a psychologist or not. The purpose of such a conversation is to show the son or daughter that the attitude towards him (her) has changed, to try to reach a level of deeper contact and interaction than before, telling about yourself, about your feelings and experiences, which are based on parental anxiety, anxiety and love for the child. Such a conversation, in which both you and the child have the opportunity to repent of your “sins”, open your soul, get rid of accumulated grievances and claims, can be a real milestone in your relationship.
Parents dream build trusting relationships with your children. How to do it right? How to bring your own child closer and not push it away from you? Raising children is a difficult task. The main thing is not to miss important moments and become a friend for him. There are 10 easy steps to strengthen your bond with your child.
Step 1 - words of love
A child needs love and affection at any age. Do not forget to him that you love and cannot imagine life without him. Just 3 words "I love you" can create a miracle. Say them regularly, even in moments of quarrels and.
Step 2 - Inheritance of Faith
Pass on your faith and family traditions to your child. Tell us about your ancestors, your religion, any established family traditions. Believe me, it will be very interesting for him to learn about everything that happened to his grandparents and other relatives.
Step 3 - baby nickname
All children remember that in childhood they were affectionately called "hare", "sun" and other words. Come up with your own special nickname for the baby. It will help build a close bond between you. And for a teenager, set a special code word that only you and he will know. You can use it in unpleasant situations as a signal for help.
Step 4 - Sleep Ritual
An intimate bond between parents and children is also established before bedtime. With toddlers, it can be reading fairy tales while hugging. With teenagers, a short conversation about the past day, a kiss before rest. Even the simple phrase “Good night, sunshine!” close and soothing.
Step 5 - Do Housework Together
Psychologists call teamwork a good option for setting up relationships with children. This means asking for help with the housework. Children will be happy to help wash the floor, vacuum, go for bread, carry a bag of groceries. Don't be shy and don't forget to ask them for help. And general cleaning in the apartment by common forces - the best way when building mutual understanding between parents and their child.
Step 6 - Co-op Games
More often play with children in all kinds of mobile, board, theatrical games. Show interest in his hobbies and support in this. If a child sees in your behavior an indifference to him, then he will happily sing, dance, learn a verse, play in a skit.
Step 7 - gathering at the table with the whole family
The communication of all family members at the table will not replace any other activities. At such moments, the shown participation to everyone gives rise to mutual understanding between parents and children. Just be interested in the day passed, the emotions received at school and other institutions. This will help you get a little closer to each other.
Step 8 - Rest Together
Be creative in planning a joint weekend. A simple walk in the fresh air, going to the cinema, visiting attractions, going to the forest for mushrooms are ideal ways to connect. Children appreciate the time spent with their parents. And if it is also interesting, then success in building relationships is guaranteed. 
Step 9 - Respect Choice
Do not show your dissatisfaction with the child's choice of this or that clothes, toys. Even if you don't like it, be reasonable and support him.
Step 10 - Sincerity in Relationships
Children need to feel important in your life. So, sort out your priorities. Be sure to leave the children at the very top. Show sincerity, genuine care and attention to your kids. They feel this keenly and are very worried if they do not receive the attention they deserve.
By following these simple rules in everyday life, you can easily establish excellent friendships with your children. Moving on the same wavelength with teenagers is a chance to become not just a good parent, but a real friend who you can trust and not be afraid of publicity. Children always, at any age require attention. Get a little closer to your young, dear child. And the child will certainly reciprocate, sincerity, trust and love.
Video how to improve relationships with a child
Attention! The use of any medicines and dietary supplements, as well as the use of any medical methods, is possible only with the permission of a doctor.
There is something more important in parenting than just caring for a baby - communication is as necessary for a child as food! If the mother or another adult who constantly cares for the baby, with whom emotional contact is possible, is available, everything will be fine with the baby. At the same time, the contact should not be “ideal” at all, that is, it should take one hundred percent of the baby’s waking time - it should simply be “good enough”.
Nursing a child in the first years of his life until the moment when he starts talking about himself "I" just gives a basic, unconditional level of connection with parents. It turns out that babies who stay in constant contact with their mothers during the first year of life are easier to bear separation from them when they get older.
At first, the child feels inextricably linked with the mother, but gradually moving away from her, he becomes more independent, begins to explore the world around him. Contact with the mother gives confidence and helps the baby to rely on his own strength: a child who maintains contact with his mother gets used to trust, and a sense of trust favors the development of independence.
That is why at this age it is extremely undesirable for the mother to go to work - it is possible only in extreme circumstances. If the mother sees little of the baby in the first two years of the baby's life, the connection will either be weakened or, conversely, overly anxious, neurotic, tinged with guilt and devoid of true sensitivity. It is important that an adult has both time and attention for the child!
Dialogue of a lifetime
Once the relationship between the personality of the parent and the child is established, a dialogue is established between them that lasts a lifetime. This conversation begins with the first children's questions, with the famous "Why?" and "What's this?" The child grows, his questions become more serious: "Where did I come from?", "Where was I when I was gone?", "Why can't you see God?". Largely based on the answers to these questions, the child builds his personality and his worldview.
A tense dialogue between children and parents is a feature of the present time. Even some one hundred and fifty years ago, in a traditional family, the connection between children and parents was perceived quite differently, and it manifested itself rather in obedience and reverence for parents.
Today, in big cities, people live in a fragmented world, where even family ties are being destroyed, not to mention ordinary human ones, which are getting worse and worse. The pace of life is accelerating, in pursuit of prosperity, personal or career growth, people tend to forget about the simplest things - rest, communication, nature, prayer. We run and feel more and more mechanical own life. And even spending a lot of time with a child, we don’t actually communicate with him for real, but only “operate as an object”: we transport from class to class, we carry out this or that program, recovery or development!
What is the family - such is the quality of communication
The quality of communication, in other words, the "psychological distance" between parents and a child can be very different: families differ from each other no less than the planets of the solar system. What is absolutely normal and natural for one family may seem wild and absurd for another. Differences concern all sides, but they are especially noticeable in relation to the quality of communication with the child.
In many modern families, the child occupies a central place. All the semantic lines of family life converge to it. They expect something from the child, they are very worried about him, they hope for his success. The child is not perceived as "a boy/girl in itself", but as "the son of his mother", "the granddaughter of his grandmother", "the great-grandson of a brilliant academician", "the daughter of a talented ballerina". And often this community of adults, which includes not only dad and mom, but grandparents, and sometimes uncles and aunts, does not feel the signals that the child sends. From this the child wants to run away, "go into denial." "It's hard for me to be a Kid with a capital letter! I'm stuffed by your expectations! I just want to play!" - the child can speak with his behavior.
In this situation, the parent-child connection will certainly be weakened, since the parents of the child do not hear - they only understand their own dream of a child, their plan for him, and not his real experiences.
And the most difficult version of such families is when the child is not just in the spotlight, but on the throne. He feels his superiority and preschool age knows well that only his wishes are heard in the family. Parents bring up in the child a kind of deafness to everything except their own desires. And in such a situation, there is no real connection, good contact with the baby: it is the child who sets the rules of the game, but he himself is not able to cope with them. As a result, an incompetent and short-sighted little tyrant grows.
There are families with incredibly close relationships not only between young children and their parents, but also between generations. In such families, it is unthinkable to sit down at the table alone, and an independent trip somewhere is considered a crime.
But there are families where emotional intimacy and close connection - not only of children with parents, but of everyone with everyone - is considered something excessive, almost indecent. Often the father works at home, the mother is at home, and the child is also at home most of the time. It seems that all the members of the family are nearby ... but not together, everyone is staring at their own screen: dad - at the computer, mom - at the TV, the child - at the game console ... A kind of family-refrigerator in which the manifestation of emotions can be considered uncultured and violation of boundaries. A child growing up in such an environment will have specific ideas about what it means to bond with parents.
In conflict families with a connection between children and parents, it can also be difficult. In such families, they are necessarily friends "against someone", and such an approach can leave an imprint on the child's personal style. If we are now friends with dad, then definitely against mom. Or if we are close with my mother, then against my grandmother. A child may well form a stereotype: love and connection are always war and hostility. He will divide the world into friends and foes, friends and enemies.
Before adolescence, the child does not critically evaluate the parents and the quality of communication with them. He takes his family for granted, just belongs to her. This is natural for him, like breathing, while it is the quality of communication with parents that affects how the child will perceive human relationships in general.
When communication with the child is broken
Let's try to identify the most typical life situations in which a break, loss or temporary disruption of communication with our child can occur, and offer ideas for each of these cases.
- We may not keep up with the speed of the child's development, the changes that occur to him, and it may seem to the child that no one in the family loves him ... This happens at the time of serious life changes: when a new baby is born, the mother goes to work, the family moves. That is, during periods of major life gains, losses, global changes, the child may think that what is happening and the whole world - against him, may close - there will be a feeling of loss of connection.
- A child can experience some difficult circumstance, trauma, what happened to him when we were not around. And we, not knowing what is with him, can feel that the connection is lost. Or, growing up, he closes the "inner doors", fences himself off from us. This is called "adolescence" and is experienced by most parents quite hard.
If this is your case, remember that it is during adolescence that the "renegotiation" of the bond between children and parents occurs. And if the teenage crisis quarrels you seriously, then ties may not be restored, and you and your adult children will be mentally strangers to each other. You can endure a lot to keep a connection from a teenager. But this patience should not be patience from a position of weakness, when parents tolerate this or that behavior simply because they cannot do anything. It is important to be patient and take action. - Communication can be lost on the part of an adult. Sometimes we don't care about children. Something is changing in our own lives. We go into work or sadness, build new relationships or end old ones: we have a serious adult life with its own age crises. Children feel this acutely, and if such a period is prolonged, this can lead to a loss of communication.
Restoring a contact
Postponing the "repair of the communication line" is not worth it, because a child who has been in a state of interrupted contact with his parents for a long time can accustom himself to isolation: the lack of communication is perceived by him as dislike.
Do you feel a weakening of the connection with the child? Here are some steps that might help you:
- free up time, preferably a specific evening a week, by warning the child about this in advance. Agree that this will be your personal time with him, and this time should be at least 2-3 hours, minus travel time. Think about how best to spend this time - it all depends on the lifestyle and preferences of the family;
- Explain to your child that you have been going through difficult times. Children are sensitive creatures, they will understand you if you choose the right words;
- urgently take a set of measures to restore contact with the child: for example, you can arrange a symbolic holiday that ends difficult times. It can be a beautiful homemade dinner, or gatherings in a quiet cafe, or a memorable walk. Put an end to it and return to what is normal for you. When some time passes and the relationship is restored, talk with the child about his experiences and fears, about the thoughts that climbed into his head.
If the child is still small and discussion and interaction at this level with him is not possible, you will have to do it all on your own and make a promise to yourself. But even three-four-year-old children are able to understand the right words. After all, communication with parents is so important to them.
How to determine the quality of communication with a child? Try to be honest with the following questions:
- Do you know what your child dreams about? What does he want as a present? New Year or birthday?
- What is your child afraid of? What is he thinking about? Which of the books you read impressed you the most?
- Do you know what a child dreams about?
- And what happens in his social life and inner circle?
- Who are his friends and enemies? Why did you quarrel with your best friend/girlfriend?
- What does the child think about his abilities and appearance?
- And finally, how would you like your relationship with your child to be? Would you like your child to behave like you?
Like any loving mother, you strive to become your child not only a caring parent, but also a true friend, so that you can share joys and sorrows together. Only for some reason recently children's grievances and even tears appear more and more often ...
For days on end you take care of the baby, making every effort to teach him everything you need. It is not without prohibitions and restrictions, because there are so many dangers around. So the question arises: how to improve relations with a child, when he constantly needs to be disciplined and forced to do something?
What's stopping you from building a relationship with your child?
Let's start with the most common mistake - for some reason all mothers are sure: the baby is simply obliged to understand that all the requirements and instructions are fair and are done only for his sake. This is fundamentally wrong. Understand that you speak absolutely different languages. The child is guided by feelings, and you are guided by reason. And every time the baby achieves something, try to look at the world through his eyes and support him, even if you do not quite understand the logic of the baby. You can read a few tips in the article:.
Trying to improve relations with a child, adults make the mistake of believing that it is enough to explain everything to the baby. For some reason, moms and dads are sure that their ideas about good and bad should be accepted by the little one at a glance, and become a guide to action. But children differ from adults in that they live not by reason, but by feelings, especially their own. life experience they don't have it yet. And they cannot understand that everything is being done for their sake.
It will take a little time and the child will form the ability to draw rational conclusions. In the meantime, good or bad for him is determined by the emotions experienced. Playing games, watching cartoons, throwing things around the room is so joyful and fun, that is good. But cleaning up after yourself is very boring and uninteresting, which means there is no need for this. Only adults do not understand this and constantly demand something.
Take the first step towards trust
So what happens in order to establish a trusting relationship with a child, you need to indulge him in everything and turn a blind eye to pampering? Not at all, you just need to make it clear that he is not alone. And even when the baby does not want to do something, he should feel supported.
Faced with the slightest disobedience, it is not at all necessary to show "who is in charge in the family." Instead of raising your voice, it's better to sit down next to the baby, take her hand, look into her eyes .... Such moments are very close.
Say that you understand his reluctance to collect toys, irritation and anger from the fact that he is forced to do something. And even taking into account the fact that you do not agree with him, the baby will feel support. Awareness of the right to his own opinion will allow him to stop seeing you as an enemy.
Don't forget to feel sorry for the little one. This is a broken toy for you or some kind of prohibition - a trifle, and the child is very worried and upset. In this situation, mother's support will make it clear that this is not an attempt to subdue him and force him to do something, but this is really necessary.
There is no need for lengthy moralizing and explanations. Just say that you still have to do it the way you say. The baby may frown, but he will do everything and it will not hurt his heart. So, you will be able to bypass one more stone on the way of establishing friendly relations with the child.
The close emotional bond between mother and child begins in utero and persists throughout life.
From birth, parents are the only close people with whom the baby shares his successes and failures.
Parents, in turn, should always understand and help make the right decision.
Sometimes a son or daughter can behave secretively and closed, but this happens when there is no mutual understanding and harmony in relations between adults and children.
Gradually growing up, each child has his own views on life, interests, new friends, environment, while the desire and choice of the child is not always liked by the parents, which leads to misunderstanding, quarrels.
Such relationships will undoubtedly lead to many problems between very close people.
Why is this happening? And how to maintain and improve the relationship with the child.
Why is the relationship with the child broken?
Parents from birth are accustomed to take care and protect their child, and are not always ready to accept the fact that their baby is growing up, he has his own ideas, thoughts, desires, that he has the right to independently solve his problems and make decisions.
Constant control by adults causes irritation, suppression of the personality, as a result of which children, especially adolescents, reveal various kinds of protests with pronounced behavioral disorders.
It is not necessary to protect from various difficulties, this will lead to selfishness and unpreparedness for real life.
It should be noted that excessive control by relatives will not lead to anything good. It is necessary to control children, but it must be built on trust and mutual understanding.
How to maintain a good relationship with your child
It is necessary to form close relationships with the child from early childhood, when he begins to adapt to the world around him.
During this period, he needs the help of his parents more than ever, who must always find time to spend it together. Good relationships in the family will help to remain an authority and an example for the baby.
There are several tips on how to build a relationship with a child that will help build good relationships with children and not experience difficulties in parenting.
- Be sincere, respect his desire and opinion.
- Good deeds should be praised.
- Friendly conversations with the child.
- Honest and frank in communication. If the baby asks questions that parents do not want to discuss, you should try to keep the conversation going. Much better if he gets an honest answer from his parents than from friends or television.
- Compliance with the rules. Parents should establish several rules that should not be violated by their son or daughter. At the same time, he must feel full responsibility for violating these rules.
- Ability to negotiate. In cases where a child is denied his desires, and begins to act up or fall into tantrums, you should find another tempting activity that will help you forget about the previous interest.
- Children's personal space: their own room, which you need to enter only with a knock, personal belongings.
- Recourse. He should not feel a sense of fear when he addresses his parents.
If he commits bad and thoughtless acts, they should not be punished, and there is no need to beat or humiliate him in front of other children.
Physical violence, shows the weakness of an adult, also gives rise to anger and resentment in a child, so it’s better to talk to him, listen and try to understand.
Perhaps he acted badly only because no one had ever explained to him how to behave in such a situation.
A good relationship with the child you need to build on mutual understanding, trust and respect.
Any relationship is built on trust, which is easy to lose and extremely difficult to regain.
When a child loses trust in his parents, he will grow up to be withdrawn, insecure, lonely and resentful.
Such children are completely unsuitable for independent living. Therefore, only love, communication and attention will help you grow up as a strong personality who will respect elders and everyone around.
Try to make every important event in the life of the baby joyful. Celebrate his birthday, ledge in kindergarten, school, let him invite his friends and beloved relatives. Go to the cinema with him to watch a popular movie or cartoon, take your child to an amusement park, there are various organizations for children's parties with animators and shows for children, they love it.
Having fun in a good company, the child will be grateful to you, he will understand that he is important to you and loved. Remember, the strongest relationships with children are built on trust and love.
