Oxion01121985
Good afternoon, my name is Alexander. The problem is this: I’m in love (madly) with a girl, she’s from Kyiv, I’m from Russia. She is 18, I am 32. I am ready for anything, to move, to take care of her, but she is full of doubts. She loves me (but mostly as a person), is afraid of losing me and is afraid of responsibility. And at the same time, sometimes he directly says that he sees only me as a life partner. We are now in different cities. We communicate via Skype. In December I'm going to see her again for two weeks. I need advice, help - what should we do?
Oxion01121985
I need help in the sense that I don’t know how to do the right thing?
Oxion01121985, hello! It feels like you are overwhelmed with feelings and are excited, perhaps even confused. There is a feeling that you are trying to make some kind of decision now. If so, could you write between which options are you currently choosing?
Oxion01121985
Evgeniy Mayorov, nothing is stopping me from moving, I’m ready for it. But the whole problem is that she is not sure of anything. She constantly repeats the same thing - this is a lot of problems, this is a responsibility that she is not ready to take on, these are her doubts that suddenly she will fall in love with someone else and that’s all, but I seem to have given up everything for her and she will feel she feels guilty, but at the same time, she often repeats that she sees only me as a future husband, that I am her man in every sense, but she is not in love as a man, but rather as a person.
Ekaterina Krupetskaya, Yes, that’s right, I’m very worried, I love her and it’s hard for me to imagine that she will disappear from my life. We have known each other for more than a year and a half, I have been in love for a little over a year. I can’t decide what to do - what would be right - to continue to fight for her, although I’m not sure that this will give any results, because during this time she never fell in love with me as a man, or stop tormenting yourself and her and disappear yourself.
Oxion01121985, let's explore your options?
1.
keep fighting for her
How do you imagine this specifically? What exactly do you need to fight? What to overcome? What steps could you take towards this option? What exactly are you afraid of as you think about these steps? What obstacles do you think you might encounter if you take action in this direction?
I’m not sure that this will give any results, because during this time she never fell in love with me as a man,
Do I understand correctly that there has not yet been intimacy between you and your beloved? Or do you mean something else in the expression “didn’t fall in love with me as a man”? Could you tell us more about the history of your acquaintance and the development of your relationship? Did you have any opportunities to get closer? What do you know about the girl’s previous experience? How much time did you spend communicating with her in general, were you often alone?
stop torturing yourself and her and disappear yourself
When you think about this option, how do you feel? Who is currently taking the initiative in your communication? How interested do you feel in this communication on the part of the girl? Have you talked to her about what you would like from the relationship? How does she react to this?
She constantly repeats the same thing - this is a lot of problems, this is a responsibility that she is not ready to take upon herself, these are her doubts that suddenly she will fall in love with someone else and that’s all, but I seem to have given up everything for her and she will feel feel guilty
Do I understand correctly that this is how the girl responds to your offer to move in with her? Is it possible that not enough time has passed for the girl to make a serious decision that could turn her whole life around? Why do you think that this is the girl you are ready to commit yourself to for many years? Have you had any experience of marriage or long-term relationships before? If so, how did it end? If not, why do you think?
Oxion01121985
Ekaterina Krupetskaya, 1. This is, first of all, a fight against her doubts, an attempt to convince her that even despite the difference in age, despite all the difficulties that will be associated with my move, we need to try. She is afraid that if nothing works out (suddenly), then I will feel so bad that she will almost die there) She is afraid of losing me, afraid of hurting me, but at the same time she cannot give any guarantees (although I I don’t ask and never asked, the only thing is that I asked you to take a risk and trust me, to be faithful, and then we’ll see how everything turns out). I am ready to move, I am ready to take risks for her, I can only gain love in her face, I have nothing to lose, if everything remains in its current state, I will lose her in any case. Long-distance relationships are practically a utopia. 2. There was intimacy. We met via the Internet in February 17, the first couple of months we talked mostly as friends, and then I began to understand that I was falling in love with her way of thinking, with her voice, with her picture, we dreamed, built some plans, then a guy appeared and she dated him for three weeks (without sex), then it seemed to me that this was generally the end, but they somehow got over it, began to communicate again, without the same passion, but they communicated, then I had girls (and on her initiative, she tried to make sure that I wasn’t left alone and didn’t suffer), but after the New Year I ended all relationships, in February we had a serious fight, in March we made up and she suddenly said that she understood everything, understood , what a fool she was, that I was there all this time, supporting me, and that she seemed to love me. In September I came to see her for the first time, and yes, at first, everything turned out not to be what she had imagined. My expectations were met (I already fell in love with her for real). The first week she stayed a little distant, and then Saturday came, which we spent the whole day together, she changed everything. We had a good time, we had fun, and she liked it all. The next night she stayed with me. When I left home, she cried all evening. And so in December I return again for ten days, but even in these couple of months that have passed, she again raised all my doubts to the surface. I'm mostly hoping that in the ten days I have, I can convince her to give it a try, to take the risk. 3. This option scares me. I feel bad just thinking about losing her. She knows this too and she herself says that she is afraid of losing me, that she will not survive this (figuratively), but at the same time, she is not sure that love for me as a person, affection will be enough to eventually fall in love with me as a person. guy, into your man. The initiative in communication comes from both, we are drawn to each other. We talked about relationships, our vision of the future coincides, but her main doubt is whether she needs it all at once and right now, she repeats that she is “only 18, she wants to live the student life, hang out,” but at the same time again - She can’t imagine what it will be like without me. But I cannot offer her only friendship. I need more. 4. Yes, that's right. With each such conversation, she first of all starts about the problems associated with this. “How will my parents react? What if I leave everything here, move, and nothing works out for us, and what will I do? How will I work in another country, with a different (similar, but not native) language? How will all this even happen? " I agree that not much time has passed, but in order to somehow push her in the direction of trying to build something between us, I need to be there. At a distance, she will most likely begin to move away again, temptations, other guys - all this will ultimately make her choose not me. I love her, I understand that she is the one. Despite the age difference, I feel comfortable, comfortable, cozy with her. I have never felt anything like this for any other person. Even now, it’s as if I’m physically broken by not having her around. She says the same thing, that she needs me, she wants to howl, saying that I’m not around. That is, she rushes about, doesn’t understand, doesn’t know what to do right. She is afraid of responsibility, but at the same time she is afraid of losing me. I was never married, relationships usually ended quite quickly, lasting at most 5-6 months. First of all, the reason was in me, I could not fall in love, there was no full return from me.
She is afraid that if nothing works out (suddenly), then I will feel so bad that she will almost die there)
Well, that is, she is still afraid for herself.
She is afraid of losing me, afraid of hurting me, but at the same time she cannot give any guarantees
Well, this is quite understandable, but who can give guarantees at all?
Although I do not ask them and have never asked them, the only thing is that I asked them to take a risk and trust me, to be faithful
Please clarify what you mean by “be faithful”? And by "take a risk and trust me"?
I’m ready to move, I’m ready to take risks for her, I can only gain love in her face, I have nothing to lose
I would like to clarify with you about “nothing to lose.” Could you tell us how you live now, besides your relationship with this girl: do you have housing, work, income, friends, parents, hobbies? By saying “I have nothing to lose,” you seem to be hinting that you have nothing valuable in the life you are leading now, and you can easily give it up and start all over from scratch, in a new place, without work, without housing and without connections. Is this true?
We met via the Internet in February '17
You were already living in different places then, am I right?
the first couple of months we communicated mostly as friends
we dreamed, made some plans
Was it all at a distance? In virtual communication?
then a guy appeared and she dated him for three weeks (without sex), then it seemed to me that this was generally the end, but somehow they survived, they began to communicate again, without the same passion, but they communicated, then I had girls (and on her initiative, it was she who tried to make sure that I would not be left alone and suffer),
You haven’t seen each other during this period either, right?
In September I came to see her for the first time, and yes, at first, everything turned out not to be what she had imagined. My expectations were met (I already fell in real love with her).
How did it all turn out? Your expectations were met, but what about her expectations?
The first week she stayed a little distant, and then Saturday came, which we spent the whole day together, she changed everything. We had a good time, we had fun, and she liked it all. The next night she stayed with me. When I left home, she cried all evening.
Thus, real communication between you lasted one week, during which she remained distant, and then you had intimacy once before you left. Is everything like that?
in December I return again for ten days, but even in these couple of months that have passed, she again raised all doubts to the surface.
Why do you write “I’m returning”? Where the girl lives, is your home located? Or do you mean that you are returning to her?
I'm mostly hoping that in the ten days I have, I can convince her to give it a try, to take the risk.
Can you try to reveal your risk plan in more detail? What exactly are you planning to do, and how does this relate to the girl’s decision?
We talked about relationships, our vision of the future coincides
What is this vision? If possible, specifically, with specific deadlines.
her main doubt is whether she needs it all at once and right now, she repeats that she is “only 18, she wants to live the student life, hang out,” but at the same time again - she can’t imagine what it will be like without me
Are you suggesting that she start living together right away? It has not yet been announced what you are proposing. If yes, where exactly should I live?
With each such conversation, she first of all starts about the problems associated with this. “How will my parents react? What if I leave everything here, move, and nothing works out for us, and what will I do? How will I work in another country, with a different (similar, but not native) language? How will all this even happen? "
Now I’m even more confused: who, according to your plan, should move? You or the girl? What exactly might parents react to?
In order to somehow push her in the direction of trying to build something between us, I have to be nearby.
If I understood you correctly, nothing is holding you back in the country and city where you work, and you are ready to start everything from scratch in another place, well, for example, in the place where the girl lives. So what’s stopping you from doing this without burdening her with unnecessary responsibility for your decision? If you really have nothing to lose, why don’t you make this decision yourself, but wait for her approval? Or did I misunderstand something?
She rushes about, doesn’t understand, doesn’t know what to do right.
WHAT IS HER ACTION ABOUT? we're talking about, can you explain?
She's afraid of responsibility
What should she be responsible for? For your move? Why does she think so, and what prevents you from removing this responsibility from her and taking it upon yourself?
First of all, the reason was in me, I could not fall in love, there was no full return from me.
What has changed, do you think?
Hello. I dated a guy for almost 5 years. He’s 25 and I’m 24. We don’t live together. He is with his parents and I. Over the past 5 years there have been many quarrels and separations. In himself he is an egoist. And he does everything just the way he wants. Absolutely everywhere. And I realized that he simply stopped respecting me, maybe he never respected me. At the beginning of the relationship, he tried to change me (that is, he didn’t like something: that I went somewhere with my friends, he was terribly jealous of me on social networks and the Internet, on training, he fought with me a lot because of this, At the moment, some things have become as he wanted, but he has not been able to change some things in me). At the beginning of the relationship, we saw each other every day, several times a week. At the moment 2-3 times a month. Although we live in the same area (min 7 on foot) and he has a car. We used to go somewhere, he took me to the movies, cafes, went to nature, walked. At the moment we only meet at home, sometimes I go to his house to spend the night. All requests to take me somewhere are ignored, the answer is “I don’t want to and that’s all.” I myself work (my favorite job), have my own hobbies, meet with friends...And I don’t understand how it’s possible, living nearby, to see each other 2-3 times a month. He also works (a lot), he also has his own hobbies (garage, football) and beer in the evenings with friends (for which he finds time), but not for me.. I tried in different ways and with conversations, and tried to cool off, and with hysterics and withdrawals to attract his attention to herself. He always says that he loves, but it comes out only in words, I don’t see it in actions. Now I'm on vacation and I have time to think carefully about our relationship. I just started weighing the pros and cons, and I see that he has absolutely no respect for me, my opinion, my desires. When talking, he says that he will not make concessions to me. Sometimes, let’s say I didn’t listen to him and went to spend the night with him anyway (I can’t so badly want attention, warmth, tenderness and sex - all together) although he didn’t want me to come , and I didn’t see any particular reason to refuse me... and I went. He said that I didn’t listen to him, but how can I listen to that? He sat down at the computer and sat there until 5 in the morning.
He turned on the volume loudly and didn’t let me sleep, as if he was punishing me or something.. I understand that I shouldn’t have resisted, but I miss you.. And there were recent situations that pushed me to think. The last time, after we had not seen each other for a long time, he again after work went with friends to drink beer. I couldn’t stand it and started shouting at him that he found time for this, but not at me. that we haven't seen each other for a long time. In response, he answers me with obscenities, something like “fuck off, you got me,” only with obscenities. I was so offended by all this.. Why was this attitude towards me? I always treat him well, sometimes I grumble, sometimes there are hysterics (again, due to the fact that he absolutely does not cooperate anywhere). And why did I deserve such a “bestial attitude” towards myself? These swear words... Conversation in a raised tone, and insult are two different things... After this situation, I decided to talk to him seriously. I say that he is very selfish, that he is going too far, that he is disrespectful to me, that I will not tolerate him Such a bestial attitude. That he doesn’t make concessions, there’s nothing at all for the relationship
does. (You can’t even ask him to help with anything, I asked him to pick up the printer from repair, since it’s on the car, such dissatisfaction on his part. He still picked it up, but with such difficulty, a trifle, but still unpleasant). He responded that I’m trying to change him. I ask: is it about coming to me more often? He said if you tolerate it, be patient, if you don’t like it, go. I explain to him that I don’t want to break up, that he suits me
and his stubborn character and everything, but we need to make some concessions to each other. but if everything continues in this spirit, then it’s better to leave. She said I’m not trying to force myself to be respected, but such a relationship (that we rarely see each other and only phone calls and no moves in my direction or for our relationship) is that I don’t need it. That he doesn't care about relationships at all. I say I will accept any decision you make - he said it’s better to break up. The last time I returned the relationship, (by the way, he didn’t really want to return, (he said that all my dissatisfaction would happen again, no matter for what reason (and there are actually three reasons - 1. little attention to me, 2. that I wanted to change that something (living together, getting married, he didn’t deny the marriage but said that later) 3. the fact that he drinks beer (she didn’t scold him often, she just grumbled, she just didn’t want him to spoil his body and get used to beer) 4. Constant selfishness on his part (I will do only as I want, in everything) and how can I be satisfied? I insisted that he return, maybe then I made a mistake when I returned it).
But now I don’t know whether it’s worth returning again and if he appears, is it worth putting up with? And if you make peace, how should you behave later? There are many advantages in him, of course, hard-working, caring (when he wants), not partying.
Well, of course, I got used to it after so much time, and thought that everything could be fixed... But most likely, there’s nothing left to fix.. I personally think that we need to treat each other with care and respect each other’s interests and opinions. Serious relationships that he and I have the first... And the fact that he chose separation, I don’t even know what to think now, is there really no feelings left. My self-esteem is fine, I get enough male attention, I work, I’m satisfied with my appearance. Was I really mistaken in my choice, it turns out he is betraying our relationship... And he just became insolent, seeing how I treat him. He probably thinks I'm not going anywhere. I tried to talk to his mother (she treats me very well) I wanted to listen to why he behaved this way, she confirmed that he has a nasty character. And his dear sister actually said that she wouldn’t tolerate him...
We were going to get married in the near future, but marriage will not correct his attitude towards me.. He replies that he always has no time, but in my opinion this is just reluctance.
It’s up to me to decide, but I would like outside opinions. Thanks in advance.
My boyfriend and I have different ideas about life, but I can’t let him go
Hello, Dasha,You write the following:
began to wear out all my nerves with some claims, uncertainty again about something
after nervousness, his hysterics, his tears, outbursts of jealousy
he poured out all his insecurities and complaints to me, making me suffer, listening to the same thing every day, from morning to 4 o’clock in the morning. Knowing that I feel bad, I won’t be able to take care of business, but I can’t leave him in suffering either.
He poured it all out on me, saying that it would be easier for him, although he knew that I didn’t like listening to the same thing, and then he apologized
And you draw the following conclusions from this:
I chalked it all up to great feelings
and now I think that this person loves me madly (I can’t find any other description after all the madness that happened during this time)
I can find another description. And for me, constant hassle, complaints and pouring out negativity does not mean love, especially huge or crazy. To me, what you wrote looks more like using you as a container for draining your insecurities and trying to shift responsibility. And for you? Or do you just want to justify his behavior?
If there really was love here, by what actions did you understand that he loved you? After all, you yourself write:
he began to say how he loved me, how he did everything to be together (although I didn’t notice this in general)
Now let me turn to your question:
Should you let go or fight for the relationship and how to understand it?
When the choice is “to fight or not,” the next question is: “to fight for what?”
Therefore, you should start from the fact that what was so good in your relationship, what would you like to fight for? What is important and valuable for you? Was there anything like that or do you imagine what could have happened? Where do such assumptions come from?
And about feelings, feelings tell me that I love him and can’t let him go, suddenly.
Here again, for me, different understandings are mixed - love and the ability to let go. Which is stronger in your case? Can't let go because you're afraid of making a mistake? It seems to me that the point here is precisely that there is a fear of making the wrong choice. You have already put an end to it, but now you are in doubt whether you did the right thing or not. What made you doubt? In both cases, you lose and gain something. But most likely it is precisely the reluctance to lose that can stop you from making a clear decision
I asked you many questions that can help in self-exploration. However, if you find it difficult to understand your feelings on your own, to understand what is preventing you from letting a person go after a breakup, to find out why it is so scary to make a mistake, to accept your choice - I will be happy to help you.
Question for a psychologist:
I talked to married man, he is 40 years old, of which he lived for 20 years with a woman with whom he has a 15-year-old daughter. At first we communicated for 5 years without a relationship, then he said that he had long wanted to leave the family and had previously tried, but they returned through the child. Now he is ready to change everything radically and completely, that he wants a relationship with me, they say I’m the only one with whom he wants to be. He left the family and we started a relationship. It was not entirely clear to me how he left, if he continued to go to her, fulfilling her requests: wash the cat - she scratches me, take the cat to the Veterinarian, bring me the phone, I forgot it at home, they also went to events of their mutual friends together. I threw hysterics because I didn’t learn about it from him. My last hysteria was when a friend from another city came to visit him with his family, he took his daughter, his ex and the families went to a restaurant to celebrate the meeting. Although he assured me that he could not do otherwise, his friend’s wife insisted on a completely different meeting. I said a lot of nasty things to him out of resentment. It seemed to me that he should have discussed the moment with a friend and put all the dots with his ex. From the outside it seemed to me that he was still with her. 8 months passed, during which time there were many similar situations where he questioned our relationship, but all the time he said that he was all mine. In the end, he said that he couldn’t stand this brain drain, that we needed to break up. I asked to give our relationship a second chance, he said that he doesn’t want anything yet, life will show what will happen next. A week later, we resumed intimacy but not a relationship. He wrote and called every evening. When we were together, it was like the last time. Then he began to write and call less often. And I realized that he is not ready, does not want and will not have this second chance. All the time I wanted to prove that I could react differently - not to be hysterical, to listen to him first, this went on for a month. And I decided to end this incomprehensible relationship, where I am in second place. She asked me not to write or call, I need time to get over my illness. He said that I was the best woman in his life, that he loved only me, it’s a pity that nothing worked out for us, he admitted guilt that he didn’t finish the agreement, didn’t work on our relationship, that he didn’t want to lose me completely, asked me to call at least in two weeks or at least a month. .. cried... didn’t let go... held tightly and cried.... a week passed. I feel bad without him and I know that he feels bad. When we parted, we confessed our crazy love, we didn’t want to leave, but each of us understood that everything would end if we continued... I still don’t understand: maybe we should have fought for love? Or the mind is stronger and we understood that nothing would work out. Maybe we need to wait and make ourselves known to start again? After all, two new people will enter into a new relationship... it hurts me and I still want to go to him! I want to bring him back into my life at least a little. I'm afraid to take the first step. He won’t do it either, I really asked him not to call me. She even set conditions, knowing that under them he would definitely not call: “if you don’t want to start all over again, don’t call!” There’s no point!” I know that he won’t call, but I keep looking at the phone with hope.... how long does it take to finally understand that this is all?! It still hurts and Hope glimmers. I want to go to him, it hurts in my chest!
Psychologist Litvinenko Margarita Adolfo answers the question.
Hello Anna!
Your purpose is not entirely clear from the letter. And when there is no goal, there is only walking through torment. Your questions sound like this: “Maybe you should have fought for love? Maybe you should wait it out and make yourself known in order to start again? How long does it take to finally understand that this is all?”
I will answer them in order. Fighting for love is, in my opinion, not right, a person should be loved, built a relationship, and not hysterical, forced, blackmailed, begged...
He will never put all the dots with his wife and child anyway, in any case they must communicate, another thing is how close and how often their communication will be. The fact that you learned about his meetings with his family from others indicates a lack of trust in you, why couldn’t he do this openly? They lie to someone who is afraid to tell the truth, for what reason? From the letter we can conclude that due to reluctance to listen to hysterics. “In the end he said he couldn’t stand this brain drain.” Nobody likes tense relationships; everyone strives for harmony and peace.
You forced him to love himself according to your rules, this did not coincide with his ideas about love.
Love is work, mutual work. The lighted fire must be maintained, and not poured oil or water into it.
Regarding the second question, you are right, you need to wait it out, understand what this relationship gave you, maybe self-confidence, care, pleasure, status, etc. It would be nice to work with a psychologist who will help you do this much faster. And when you understand and give it to yourself, maybe your love will go away as unnecessary or you will realize how to get it back. And most importantly, you will be able to not only return love, but also keep it!
The third question is very individual, for some one week is enough, for others a year is enough, and for others even life will not be enough. You can cry for the rest of your life and not do anything. But if you set a goal to understand yourself and give yourself what this relationship gave you, then I assure you that this process will absorb you so much that you will stop tearing apart your sore without letting it drag on, and with all your passion you will immerse yourself in the magical inner world, your inner world and be amazed at its depth. And then you will definitely understand how to build productive relationships or how to get away from relationships from which you have grown out of, like children’s pants. And these will be well-considered and thoughtful decisions. And when a person understands why he needs something, he will withstand any test.
