Raising a quality person depends 80% on the behavior of parents, starting with their living example and ending with the basic truths that they must convey to their child. All people know this, but not everyone understands and does it.
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Jonas Harrysson is a teacher with many years of experience who understands parents and children at the same time. Over 16 years of working with children in an educational institution, he noticed a terrible trend in children's behavior during training. His actions over the past five years have changed dramatically: from reprimanding those who were guilty to encouraging diligent students, but there was practically no result. And after five years of attempts and painful failures, he realized that the problems of this kind of education lie deep in family relationships schoolboy. Harrison is a progressive man, using Facebook, he tried to convey to parents the following 3 thoughts that will make their children better.
Thought #1. Children do not like boredom; it is like the biggest punishment and test for them.
Remember yourself as a child, you ran around the yard tirelessly looking for something else to do. Do you think kids today are any different? No. But if you artificially generate fun for a child all the time, he will get used to such a device and will demand the same behavior from teachers. But we know that at school we need to do completely different things, right? You shouldn’t pamper them forever and make them “Fun”, it’s better to let them get bored sometimes.
Thought #2. Children should not be taught before school age.
The thought, of course, is terrible for people from the times of the USSR, since it is a great pride if their child has already mastered multiplication or exponentiation in the first grade. But this is not so important for the development of the child’s personality and finding his place in society. It is better to direct your energy to learning the skills of friendship and mutual assistance. Children are the most bloody, selfish and terrible creatures (from the point of view of social life, since they are not taught these very rules of life). It is better to try to teach your child to share with others, to accept refusals and reproaches from other people. Teaching them not to be selfish and greedy is much more beneficial and will have a better impact on their ability to learn school material, says Harrison. It is also worth explaining to the child the principles of friendship and camaraderie, so it will be easier for him in a team, which will also improve his performance in the class.
Thought No. 3 is also the main and most significant. Teach children to appreciate everything they have: both all the good and all the bad, and most importantly, be grateful for it.
Of course, explaining to a child the principles that everything bad only leads to happiness is stupid. However, it is possible to teach children to thank people instead of asking for more, or complaining “Why do I have less than him?” Teach children to be kinder to the world, here the main task parents, and not “take everything from life”! Especially at a young age. Over time, the child will understand this himself, but, firstly, such a lesson is much more valuable than the words that you shove into his head, and secondly, it will be the child’s choice: to follow these principles or not. The best thing parents can do is not to indulge their child in everything, but to be able to firmly refuse. The child must understand that for now you decide when he will watch TV and when not. Humility for a child is a quality that will help him become a successful person in the future.
Everything good should be formed in childhood, since it is at this time that the child absorbs information like a sponge, and everything bad will be taught to him later. Moreover, life itself will do this better than you can imagine.
As you can see, all children's problems are rooted in the problems of their parents. Do not be indifferent to the fate of your children. Happy parenting!
— Lost contact with the child, what to do?
— How to correct your mistakes in raising a child?
- Why is my son being rude to me?
— What should I do if my adult son lives at my expense?
This is just a small part of the questions parents (mostly mothers) ask me about interacting with teenage children and adult children. And although the topic of interaction with children of all ages is covered in detail on my website (, ), questions continue to come.
Dear mothers, I want to remind you that children are not objects of education, children are a phenomenon, as Academician Amonashvili said. If you learn this alone, it will already be a huge step towards establishing warm, friendly relationships with your children.
In the following, my answers to pressing questions from parents reveal this sensitive topic.
— My son is 17 years old. Much has been missed, many mistakes have been made. Now there is no contact, and it is very painful. The child behaves aggressively and considers me to blame for everything. I repent, I understand that I need to sort myself out. Help.
This is a very common story.
The first thing I want to say is that every child (including you when you were children) is born to specific parents, expecting the very stress that he will receive. His soul knows in advance that it will be difficult, but its goal is to encourage us to turn to our Spirit.
Children demonstrate behavior that is inconvenient for parents: they conflict, act perpendicularly, resist, etc. - just because they want to awaken Love in us. It is unbearable to see how your child hates you, and because of this you have to take care of yourself.
Everything I have become is the result of my children not being able to be raised. I was forced to change all my views, reconsider all my life motives in order to...
Second point. For a young man, 17 years old is still adolescence. From 14 to 21 years old young man There is a hormonal change going on. At this time, he is in a terrible state, because “hormonal explosions” occur in his body, exceeding the norm by 500 times. And he would be glad to do otherwise, but he simply cannot. Take this into account and see his beautiful Soul behind any words.
Third, dear mothers, don’t be selfish. Yes, children can say terrible words, and it hurts you, but think about it - what does it feel like for them? Try to understand why your son is rude to you? Perhaps because he cannot get rid of you in other ways? Perhaps you are suffocating him with your expectations, your overprotection, your intrusion into his life...
And lastly, most importantly. Often, when mothers write to me about what they want with their child, what they really want is for the child to understand them, to respect, love, forgive, etc. In short, I want to make a person comfortable. And the desire to correct is not love.
We must love, not correct, the ugly behavior of our teenagers. Only then will we achieve our soul's purpose. After all, why is this person next to you? Only so that you love him for who he is. So that they can take care of him and please him with what brings him joy.
After all, nothing stops you love right now your child. The way he is: obstinate, unkempt, lazy, rude, spending his days at the computer... Just look at him warmly and see how beautiful he is. Each of us is capable of showing true mercy and telling a child from the heart: “I love you.”
I know it's very difficult. Therefore, to begin with, I suggest this practice (and it has helped many): when your child (teenager or young man) is sleeping, go quietly into the bedroom, sit next to him and look at him sleeping, with love. And ask him for forgiveness.
We are all unloved. But you now have an amazing chance to give your teenager more love than you received yourself. adolescence. And love is not expressed in hugs, not in cooing, love is expressed in faith in him and in the warmth of the heart.
It is often difficult for mothers to love their own unconditionally also because mothers have complaints about men in general. If a mother feels resentment, annoyance, or disappointment towards men, she looks at her son not as a person, but as another man who torments her. First, sort yourself out, forgive all the men in your life: dad, brother, father of your child, your inner man - everyone. And when you forgive them, you will understand that your child is not to blame for anything, and you will leave him alone, believing that everything will work out for him without your intervention.
— My son was laid off from his job, and he still can’t find a job. And he has loans. Should I help him?
I am against mothers paying loans for their sons. A person does not find a job and cannot pay off loans not because he is unlucky, but because he needs to learn a certain life lesson. In particular, don’t take it. If his mother pays for him, then, in the end, he develops a feeling of guilt, dissatisfaction with himself, anger towards her, etc.
Even if the situation is critical, you must give your son the opportunity to break his nose, but at least gain his male experience.
The trouble is that our mothers are ready to feed and water, put on shoes and clothes, pay off loans, and at the same time they hate, despise and blame their children. But you need the opposite: you need to support your soul, and financially – not to be crutches. Just say: you are a wonderful, smart, talented person, and you will find your way, I know you will stand on your own feet. But in order to say this, you need to be self-sufficient and not be afraid of being a “bad mother.”
— How to live in love in a family with addiction? The son is a drug addict.
Only love can save you in this situation.
I repeat that our children behave harshly (even to the point of drug addiction, crimes and other terrible events) only so that we finally turn to our Soul, so that we reveal ours. Children actually sacrifice themselves for this.
In this situation, it is very important to distinguish between two things. In your soul, you must understand that a person lives what he must live, but materially, physically, does not support him. Because if you contain him, he does not need to leave his field. He will remain trapped in this role. And your refusal to solve his problems will be just support and a manifestation of love.
Why is it so difficult for us to refuse actual support? Because we feel guilty before our relatives, the feeling “I’m a bad mother,” pity for our son, etc. And all this is a performance. The truth is completely different: we are all immortal, life is endless. And the Soul of your son is beautiful (you know this yourself), he just chose such a painful role for himself.
When will you take care of yourself, when will you become happy man on their own, when you can enjoy life regardless of the circumstances, your son’s field that presses him and drags him into this drug addiction will significantly decrease.
And you know, children are not about edification, but about example. If you live with pleasure the way you like, your children will repeat after you. When do you have to “raise” a child, i.e. explaining something to him means that you yourself are unhappy. Because a happy parent automatically becomes an example, a child comes to a happy parent on his own and wants to be close to him.
— My son is 21 years old, he is a cheerful, relaxed, wonderful person who at this stage of his life does not burden himself with anything. Should I continue feeding him? And how to free yourself from the desire to push your son to achieve heroic achievements?
Listen to your heart - you won’t be wrong.
If you enjoy feeding him now, despite his behavior, then feed him. And if you don’t enjoy it even a little, just say: not enjoy it.
This is not a matter of principle - I have chosen this line of behavior, and I am following it. No! It's a matter of mental impulse. Because yours will not be mistaken. If you do something from the heart, you do it right.
But if you have even the slightest feeling that you are being used, manipulated, this only happens when there is a lack of self-care in your life. Because first of all, you should think about what you want, what you are comfortable with, and then you can take care of your loved ones from the abundance.
And it’s very easy to refuse: “No, dear, I want to do this for myself. And if you want to have fun, earn it yourself.” You are not forcing him to go earn money, you are simply stating that you are spending on yourself.
You just need to live in the moment “here and now” with happiness. And you will be surprised when you are happy to go about your business, your child, who spent 12 hours on the computer, will suddenly find a use for himself and begin to actively act.
We parents are often afraid of harming our children with our love. But harm can only be done by care that comes from the mind. It is impossible to harm with love. Just out of love, you can gladly offer your son to cook his own food, and not from. At the same time, you still admire him just as much as you admired him.
So we return to the same point - listen to ourselves in our hearts. And to hear yourself, go to nature. We breathed from the sky, looked at the trees, listened to the birds... And everything worked.
— Is it possible not to think about adult children every day?
There is no need to think about adult children at all, constantly worrying. You need to think of them as friends whom you wish happiness.
Under no circumstances should you worry about how life will turn out for your adult children: whether a deal will succeed/fail, whether they will succeed/fail to go to college, pass a test, etc. You shouldn't even know what's going on with your adult children! You should just want them to do well and think of ways to please them. That's all you have to think about.
With your disturbing thoughts about them, you suffocate the children, and then they have a desire to stay away from you.
Dear parents, the best thing you can do for your children is to take full care of yourself. You cannot influence a child until you yourself are not okay. If you don’t care: about your resource, about having joy in your life, so that you have creative activities that inspire you, a circle of friends that pleases you, so that you yourself understand what you live for - then you don’t need to be indignant at that children treat you badly. This is why the children came to us, so that encourage us to improve our lives.
And you cannot help your children in any way until you are at least a little unhappy with them. The brain is designed in such a way that when a child is not loved, when he does not receive signals “you are lovely”, “you are happiness”, “you are wonderful”, his thinking is blocked. Therefore, as often as possible express your sincere admiration to your children.
And remember, the main thing in life is not what a child does or doesn’t do, what he eats, how he walks, with whom he communicates, etc., but the main thing is what you can enjoy while looking at him. There is nothing more expensive the warmth of your heart in relation to your child.
I wish you to refocus from caring for children to caring for yourself and remember that for children your delighted smile and your ability to share joy with them is much more important than cooked soup and washed pants.
One day my daughter came home from school and told me that her friend's parents were getting divorced. She asked the question: “Mom, could this ever happen to us?” I looked at her and replied, “No, honey, never. You have nothing to worry about”... A year later, her father and I decided to separate. When we broke the news to the children, I saw how my little girl's face changed: despite my assurances, what she was afraid of happened. The moment my daughter truly realized that our family was falling apart and that her mother had not kept her promise, I felt that her childhood was over. It was the hardest moment of my life because it was the hardest moment her childhood.
More than anything else, I'm afraid of letting my children down. I would subscribe to the words of Jacqueline Kennedy, who once said: “If you mess up raising your children, I don’t think anything else you do is worth anything.” I failed my parenting. I felt like a complete failure.
We are with ex-husband We did everything possible to make the breakup of our family as painless as possible. We had lunch together on Sundays, he moved into the house next door, and we only said good things about each other and only in a respectful tone. None of this helped to ease the severity of the ordeal the children were going through. Each of them suffered in their own way. I have come to terms with the fact that I am the worst parent in the world.
It so happened that during this difficult period for myself, I was speaking at a conference, and one of the women sitting in the audience stood up and said: “Glennon, my family is falling apart. I can't save her. My little son suffers a lot. Every day I look at him and think: “I should have protected him from pain, but I couldn’t. It’s unbearable to realize this.”
I looked at her and there was a lump in my throat. Looking around the room, I saw that many other women were nodding in agreement with the words that had just been spoken. None of us could protect our children from harm. And this thought came to my mind: Wait a minute. What if we haven't failed at our jobs as parents? What If We given ourselves to myself incorrect « officials instructions» ?
I turned to the woman who was speaking and asked her, “Can you describe in three words what character traits you would like to develop in your child?”
She replied, “Well, I would like him to grow up kind, wise and resilient.”
And then I said: “Okay, then tell me what a person must face in life in order to acquire these qualities?”
The hall fell silent. The woman looked at me silently.
“With pain,” I answered my question. “With difficulties. There is no such thing as not having to overcome anything. In life we constantly overcome one, two, three... Does this mean that we may be trying to protect our children from what will allow them to grow up to be the people we dream of seeing them? And doesn't this mean that perhaps we feel like bad parents because we don't quite understand what our parental role is? What if it was never our job (or our rights) to protect children from every blow life brings them? What if instead it was our responsibility to prepare them for the inevitable life's trials and adversity and admonish: “My dear child, this life challenge is for you. It may hurt you, but it will also make you wiser, stronger and tougher. I see what you're going through right now, and it's a big challenge. But I also see your strength, and this strength is greater. It won't be easy, but we humans can cope with challenges."
Shortly after my divorce proceedings were finalized, I called a close friend for advice on how to help my children get through this crisis. She doesn't have children and that's why I trust her advice (on the subject of parenting, I only consult with friends without children, since they, in my opinion, are the only ones who retain common sense, and are also rested enough to look at things realistically) . And this is what she said: “Glennon, your family is currently flying on a plane that has encountered severe turbulence. The children are scared. What do we do when we feel afraid while flying? We look at the flight attendants. If they seem scared, we start to panic too. If they look calm, we stay calm too. In your current situation, you are a flight attendant, and you have enough experience of flying in turbulent conditions, you know that with a very high degree of probability everything will end well. It's your kids' first time flying in these conditions, so they naturally look at you to make sure everything is okay. Your main task at the moment is to remain calm, smile and... continue to pour the tea.”
Life is fundamentally unsafe, and therefore our task is not to promise children that there will be no turbulence. It's about assuring them that when we hit turbulence, we'll hold hands and get through it together. We don't promise them a life without suffering, but we do give them confidence that suffering won't kill them - in fact, it will make them kinder, wiser, and more resilient. We look into their eyes, empathize with their pain and say: “Don’t be afraid, dear. You were made to go through this and deal with it.”
And we smile. And we continue to pour tea.
Translation from English by Anastasia Khramuticheva
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Irina Lukyanova
Conversations about school bullying in society and the media have been going on for a long time. Now, it seems, no one needs to be convinced that the problem exists, that bullying must be fought - and that the school and the teacher play a key role in the fight against bullying in schools.
Any theoretical conversation about school bullying comes down to practice. What should we do with it?
Here the problem is immediately divided into three streams:what the child himself, his parents and teachers can do.
What can a child do
Quite a bit. Few adults have to deal with daily beatings, rejection, neglect, and insults in their adult lives. The experience that a child faces in a situation of bullying is something that ordinary adults only have to go through in prison or a correctional colony - or in a situation of domestic violence, which few people are able to cope with on their own. At the same time, the child does not yet have adult problem-solving skills, does not know how to look into the future and see that “tomorrow will be another day” - he does not have any adult problem-solving tools at all.
Yes, some children have personal characteristics that make them favorable targets for bullying: for example, they react too violently to insults, losses, and attacks. But they are not the only ones being poisoned. They poison anyone for any reason.
Yes, it is quite possible to teach a child not to react to provocations - that is, to show very adult qualities: restraint, the ability to understand and analyze their behavior and the behavior of others, self-control. Are these qualities useful? Very. Can we expect that the child will systematically demonstrate them? Hardly. Do we need to educate them? Need to. Will this stop bullying? No. At best, it will give the child the skills to survive in an aggressive environment.
Early experiences of trauma are not the best necessary for a person experience, as well as the experience of serious illnesses, operations, emergency situations - and rehabilitation after that. Yes, a person who has experienced this may grow up early, behave heroically, etc. But it would never occur to anyone to say that experiencing severe trauma is useful for spiritual growth. And bullying certainly traumatizes, and traumatizes seriously, its consequences remain with a person for his entire life - there is a large body of scientific data that confirms this.
Bullying is not determined by the personal qualities of the victim - psychologist Lyudmila Petranovskaya clearly spoke about this at the round table.
Bullying is determined by the qualities of the group in which the victim is located, the unwritten rules of this group and the position of its leader.
The victim needs to be helped, but it’s not about her.
What parents can do
They can notice in time that the child is being bullied. They can figure out whether it is possible to cope with the bullying, stop it, or whether it is necessary to take the child away from the situation that traumatizes him. If the situation has not yet become dangerous mental health the child and his safety - they can talk to the offenders. True, this often ends badly, because adults begin to use violence and threaten other people's children. Or other people's children wanted to sneeze on these adults.
Parents can teach their child methods of self-defense that do not jeopardize his life and health - and also the life and health of others. They can teach him the same adult survival skills in an aggressive environment that were discussed above. But this also does not solve the problem.
Unfortunately, more often than not, parents either cannot help the student at all, or the only way to help them is to strike back at the offender - and even with an excessive level of violence in order to “discourage them.” This doesn’t stop the bullying either, but it entails a new round of war, but at a new, adult level.
Finally, parents can recruit a teacher as an ally, because without his participation it is impossible to cope with group bullying.
In order to cope with it, you need to change the atmosphere and rules of interaction in the group.
How can a teacher help?
How many times have I encountered the fact that even very good teachers who sincerely wish the best for children ask: what can I do in this situation? What should I do? Who will help me? What methods exist?
Teacher and he himself is defenseless before bullying. He himself, when faced with problematic child behavior, often behaves like a confused, offended, angry child. He himself usually does not possess those adult qualities that proponents of the idea of “teaching the victim to cope with bullying” propose to cultivate in a child. Cultivate qualities - good idea, is very useful, it strengthens the position of the victim in an aggressive environment and helps her not to feel like a victim - but does not make the environment less aggressive.
Even worse: as a rule, the teacher does not have professional tools to cope with his students. Methods for managing behavior in a group are not included in the program of his professional training and retraining.
The old school was based on the unconditional authority of the teacher and adults in general - and on the subordination of the younger to the older. As a child, I heard countless times from teachers: “you are too young to have your own opinion,” “who are you to be respected,” “first achieve something, and then we will respect you.” When the pendulum swung in the other direction, the idea arose that in order to be a child, one must respect the person, the individual, and value his opinion. But the teacher lost this a priori respect: first prove that you should be respected and valued.
The teacher, deprived of a priori respect, unable to resort to suppression, coercion and violence, remained helpless. There is no social consensus about why a child should go to school and why he should obey the teacher; families themselves are not particularly convinced that the child should respect and obey the teacher; The relationship between the school, parents and child in this area, as a rule, is completely unregulated, and no one has given the teacher new pedagogical tools for working with children who are absolutely not ready to respect him a priori.
If not the teacher, then one of the children will become the leader
In these conditions, teachers themselves invent bicycles that would allow the class to move at least somewhere and maintain order in the lessons: someone has a heart-to-heart talk with the children during class hours, someone is trying to attract the most “notorious” to their side, to make them their own. assistants, some personally create terror and dictatorship in the classroom, others try to gain authority by improving professionally. The school as a whole and the individual teacher usually do not have systematic ideas about what can be done.
Even worse - this is what I talked about at the round table - very often schools say: parents should educate at home, but our job is to teach. And parents support: your job is to teach, and all your educational activities are nonsense, they waste time, we ourselves raise the child the way we need.
And the school most often requires: bring someone who is already well-educated and work with him at home. The problem is that it is impossible to develop the ability to behave in a group at home, just as you cannot learn to swim on land. When a child enters school, he is a member of a group in which group dynamics operate. If the teacher does not become the leader in the group, if he does not set his own rules of interaction, one of the children will become the leader, and the rules will form spontaneously. And none cool watch on the topic “Lessons of Kindness” these rules will not change.
Explanations don't work
Lyudmila Petranovskaya said at the round table: preventing bullying is not a matter of education, it is a matter of safety.
The physical and mental safety of students, maintaining a working atmosphere in the classroom is the task of the teacher and the school. It is the teacher, and not the parents at home, who is responsible for ensuring that all children have the opportunity to work during the lesson. It is the school, and not the parents at home, that is responsible for ensuring that children, while within its walls, do not receive injuries - neither mental nor physical.
But the Russian education system is still stalled in the seventies and eighties. If you look at what schools post on their websites, and teachers post on the websites of festivals of pedagogical ideas, you can see that school “plans for educational activities” have not changed since my Soviet childhood - except that “events in memory of the tragedy in Beslan” have been added ”, and instead of “communist education”, “spiritual and moral” arose. The school is still trying with pathos and examples from fiction explain to children that a good man to be good, but to be bad is bad. That we must have compassion for those who suffer and help those in need. But explanations don't work.
When we're talking about about the war - everything seems to be clear there: here it’s black, here it’s white, here there are enemies, here there are heroes. And when is it everyday life, where everything is not black and white, but multi-colored?
How can we help students understand where the line is between just outrage at someone else’s actions and bullying? When are they just chatting and when are they engaging in gossip? Where does jokes end and cyberbullying begin? What to do if your photo was made into a school meme? How to avoid becoming a victim of blackmail on the Internet? How to distinguish expressing your own opinion from insulting? How can you help a person who is being bullied without becoming a victim of bullying yourself?
Where to get specific answers
Communication skills, communication without verbal and physical violence, the ability to seek compromises, resolve conflicts, negotiate, resist verbal and physical violence and cyberbullying - schools really need programs that “pump up these skills,” as children say. Children need them too - not in order to make them comfortable for adults, but in order to develop them emotional intellect, which is now considered an important professional skill and a serious competitive advantage in the world of tomorrow's business (this is if you need to explain to parents why they should teach their children to negotiate with an opponent, and not suppress him).
And such techniques exist; President of the Center for Autism Problems Ekaterina Men and President of the ANO BO "Zhuravlik", founder of the TravliNet program Olga Zhuravskaya spoke about this at the round table - for example, developments for class hour on the topic of “gossip”, a dictionary for teachers “how to make a remark without offending a student.”
With all this, public organizations can and should go to educational authorities, rectors of pedagogical universities and to advanced training courses for teachers - but they need a counter movement.
What public organizations can do is create manuals for specific school problems. Find legal solutions for difficult situations (a typical situation is, for example, this: a child is aggressive, insults and hits classmates, parents profess the principle “might is right”, refuse to cooperate and do not give the school permission to have a psychologist work with their child; school , who is supposed to protect other children, throws up her hands in confusion). Communicate these legal decisions to schools and teachers. Eliminate the legal vacuum in parental and pedagogical consciousness, so that conflicts are resolved through negotiations, and not through violence, shouting and complaints to the Prosecutor General's Office.
What a school and a particular teacher can do is to look for these solutions, collaborate with public organizations, implement their experience at home, without complaining about their own defenselessness in the face of ill-mannered children and their aggressive parents. We ourselves become laboratories where good solutions mature. And for those who have encountered bullying in their personal professional experience, improve their skills themselves, look for those who prepare solutions, accumulate resources, collect methods and best practices for themselves and their colleagues.
The problem is clear - perhaps it’s time for society to move from discussing the problem to posing and solving specific tasks; It’s good that the Galchonok and Zhuravlik foundations are taking on this - so concrete answers can be given to the typical teacher’s question “Where can I get methods?” For example, on the website travlinet.rf you can get Lyudmila Petranovskaya’s methodological manual for teachers and a manual for children in pdf format.
In principle, this is not the only resource on school bullying. There are a lot of useful materials in Daria Nevskaya’s project “Mobbingu.net”.
A lot of materials on school bullying have been collected on the website dedicated to helping victims of violence “Willow Branch”.
It is not my goal here to list all the useful resources on school bullying: let the seeker find. I’m rather saying that it’s time for teachers to get out of the victim position, throw up their hands and complain about their own helplessness. There is quite an opportunity to do something - and you can join the project.
