Hello dear readers. In this article we will talk about what crises are family life. Let's consider them depending on the years lived. Let's talk about possible reasons, provoking the development of the crisis. Find out how they manifest themselves. You will know how to overcome them.
Crisis options
Everyone should know about the stages of development of family relationships. Experts distinguish six periods:
- courtship - romantic dates, a period of falling in love, lack of life together;
- the beginning of living together under one roof, the absence of children;
- birth of a child, new social role - parents;
- maturity in life together - the need for greater finances arises, more children are born;
- period of living with adult children;
- grown children leave the parental nest, leaving the spouses alone with each other.
Let's look year by year at what crises can be depending on how many years you have lived together after starting a family.
- First year. Almost all couples go through this period. This is the stage when two different people, brought up in different families, get used to each other, people learn to live together, learn the need to make mutual decisions, and spend free time together. The reason for the crisis lies in the fact that newlyweds need some time to adapt, get used to the needs of another person, and realize that they now need to take someone into account. In addition, it is worth considering that young families are prone to problems with finances and housing. They may live under the same roof with the older generation, which can cause conflicts. It is also possible that young people take help from their parents, and in this case the man will not feel complete. In this crisis, the main thing is to be able to find a compromise in any situation, especially if the young people love each other and do not want to lose. It is very important to avoid blackmail and ultimatums. For example, a girl should not blackmail her partner with a lack of intimacy. It is also unacceptable to say the phrase “if something doesn’t suit you, get a divorce.” It is likely that the spouse will agree, even though these words will be spoken in a fit of anger. It is necessary to understand that even if reconciliation occurs after this scandal, thoughts that the partner agreed to the divorce will emerge with every subsequent quarrel. Don't allow yourself to hold a grudge. If something doesn’t suit you, it’s better to talk about it right away. In a situation where a man does something that does not suit a woman, she has three options: she can fulfill his obligations herself; be wise woman and push a man to action with the help of compliments, convincing him that only he can cope with this task; constantly nag, reproaching him for not fulfilling his obligations (this will bring you closest to divorce).
- Three years old. This is the time during which partners manage to get to know each other. During this period, there is an understanding of whether you will live together. A large percentage of divorces occur during this time. The adjustment has taken place, illusions about each other have begun to dissipate, the person appears without embellishment, looks at the partner without rose-colored glasses, sees all his shortcomings. In addition, years of living together showed that life was not as good as it seemed, the routine was boring. The woman begins to have thoughts about having a child, the man is not ready for this event, he is busy with his career, claims that it is not time yet, first you need to get on your feet. It is important that during this period you realize that you are one with your spouse. You need to understand that the problems that will arise in your life together require solutions through joint efforts. You need to realize that if both spouses work, you need to maintain a common budget and plan expenses. If we talk about having children, it is very important that the decision to have a baby is mutual. It is unacceptable to put pressure on a man; most likely, he is not ready yet. It is important that you have similar interests. At this stage, the first child may be born, and the father of the family will throw himself into work. Often during this period, a man develops the feeling that he is not needed in his home, because he receives little attention. The spouse, who was previously very attractive, will begin to look tortured and irritated. In such a situation, a woman may stumble upon her partner’s indifference and irritation. During this period, passion and love often develops into friendship or responsibility for the baby. A man may come to the conclusion that he needs to be at home as little as possible. Depending on what kind of temperament the young man has, he will start running to his friends or his mistress. In such a situation, you need to realize that if there is a child, then you have become parents. It is important that a woman is given time to care for herself, some personal space when someone else can babysit the child.
- Five years. During this period, as a rule, a woman comes out of maternity leave, starts going to work. The man is upset by the fact that housework now falls on his shoulders too. Often, a male representative begins to develop against this background. Especially if this time coincides with dismissal from work. It is important to understand the need for a division of responsibilities, to believe in oneself, to realize that the spouse deserves to go to the job she loves, to do something that she likes.
- Seven years old. At this time, spouses may get tired of each other, the relationship is consumed by routine. During this period, as a rule, a career has already been built, the housing issue has been resolved, and the child begins to go to kindergarten or school. The husband and wife already know everything about each other, there is no longer any romantic love. Everyone looks at their partner as a friend. During this period, lovers may appear for both men and women. Here it is important to diversify your life, spend more time with the whole family, find a hobby that will appeal to everyone, both parents and children.
- Fourteen years old. During this period, we can say that adolescence affects the entire family. Parents are faced with a midlife crisis for the first time; children begin adolescence, which is characterized by changes in behavior, irritability, and selfishness, which cannot but affect the family climate. The spouses come to the realization that they did not have time to achieve everything they wanted in life. At this time, the idea may arise to commit some rash actions, to radically change your life. To overcome the crisis of this period, it is important to find common interests and add romance to the relationship.
You should not think that these crises will necessarily arise in any family. If spouses love, understand each other, trust, and treat each other with respect, then their family will grow stronger day by day. For example, I cannot say that there were periods of crisis in my family. My husband and I are very similar, we have many common interests, the same views on life, it never comes to serious conflicts or family problems. Therefore, I believe that everyone is able to escape from the crisis, to be able to respond to it in a timely manner in order to get by with the least possible losses.
Possible reasons
- Age crisis. A situation when one of the spouses experiences a breakdown, his values change, and there is a need to change something in his life and family.
- Changing the usual way of life, for example, having children.
- Sudden job loss. It can negatively affect the atmosphere in the house, frequent scandals will arise that may end.
- Lack of normal relations with the spouse's relatives. It is not uncommon for a young couple, after formalizing their relationship, to begin living with the parents of one of the spouses, and this leads to a conflict between different generations, which cannot pass without leaving a mark on the young family.
- Changes in financial situation. The situation is especially acute when a woman begins to receive more money than a man. Then the latter begins to feel his inadequacy.
- Changing of the living place. It can lead to the development of serious stress, which, without timely intervention, negatively affects the climate in the family.
- Lack of equality between spouses. Examples of situations when a woman sits at home, raises children, and a man reproaches her for doing nothing, while he earns money. This means that she owes him everything, he supports her.
- A chronic disease that is severe in one of your close relatives. One of the spouses is forced to care for the sick, and this does not lead to normal family relationships.
- Lack of emotional connection. A situation when one of the partners cannot rejoice at the successes and good fortune of the other.
- The birth of a handicapped child in a family. It is extremely rare that the appearance of such a child is not accompanied by conflicts, scandals and reproaches.
- Early marriage. According to statistics, such families break up quite quickly.
- Presence in the family. A situation where a husband or wife spends almost all their time at work and does not devote enough time to communicating with their partner and children.
Characteristic manifestations
The following points may indicate that you are experiencing a family crisis.
Family psychology cannot in all cases explain how to get out of conflict situations in relationships with a partner. It is necessary to understand that different families can be equally happy, but unhappy in their own way.
Now you know how to overcome the crisis of family life. You need to realize that almost every family sooner or later faces serious problems and needs to overcome a certain barrier and improve relationships in order to move on with their lives. It is very important to be able to overcome the crisis, otherwise the matter will end in divorce.
Psychologists identify several periods of decline in development family relations, which are caused by dissatisfaction with each other, frequent quarrels, deceived hopes, differences of opinion, silent protests and reproaches.These are normal crisis situations, however, they can be critical to the development of a marriage. How the spouses behave determines whether they can reach a resolution. crisis situation and family development, or the situation will lead to the breakdown of the marriage.
The crisis is based on natural processes in the development of family relationships. Therefore, you should not look for the cause of problems in yourself or in your partner. These patterns must be taken into account and your behavior adjusted in accordance with them.
Popular on this topic: Stages of relationship development (editor's note)
It is very important to be patient in a crisis situation and not to act rashly.
The main periods of downturn in relationships may occur:
1. In the first days immediately after the wedding.
2. At 2-3 months of marriage.
3. After six months of marriage.
4. Crisis of 1 year of relationship.
5. After the birth of the first child.
6. At 3-5 years of family life.
7. At 7-8 years of marriage.
8. After 12 years of marriage.
9. After 20-25 years of marriage.
It is worth considering that these are conditional periods of family crises, and they do not happen in all marriages. Every change in the life of a family, any transition to a new stage, as a rule, is accompanied by the emergence of periods of crisis. The birth of a child, someone's illness, a child entering school - all these events can cause changes in the family or its structure, which are accompanied by problematic situations.
The most dangerous family crises
The most critical are the two periods that most often provoke divorces and remarriages. It is impossible to avoid these periods, but you can learn to manage them so that they end in the strengthening of the family, and not its disintegration.- Relationship crisis "3 years";
Spouses are advised to limit discussions of marital relationships and practical problems, and temporarily avoid manifestations of romantic love. Better to communicate on topics professional interests partner, do not demand sociability from each other, lead an open life and do not give up your interests and social circle.
- Midlife crisis.
Those around us also change their attitude: the time for advances is ending, we move from the category of “promising” to the category of mature people from whom results are expected. During this period comes a rethinking of plans, values and adjustment of personality in accordance with changed living conditions.
In middle age, people experience increased emotional instability, fears, somatic complaints, and a feeling of loneliness after children leave. Women experience increased emotional dependence, they worry about aging, and are also afraid of possible betrayals by their husband, who may begin to experience an increased interest in sensual pleasures on the “before it’s too late” side.
In such a crisis situation, it is important for spouses to purposefully distract themselves from the problems of aging and strive for entertainment. Since at this age few people show such initiative, outside intervention may be required. Also, you should not unnecessarily exaggerate or dramatize your spouse’s infidelity. It would be more correct to simply wait until his interest in extramarital affairs wears off. Often this is where it all ends.
The crisis of family life is a concept familiar even to bachelors. Many people perceive their manifestations differently, and there are disputes about the number of such crises. Basically, psychologists note 4 critical moments, but for Russian families there are 7 of them.
It should be understood that tension in family relationships does not always end in divorce. If you approach the problem wisely, you can survive all the troubles. Let's try to figure out how to overcome crises in family life over the years.
Oddly enough, the first year of family life is considered a crisis. If you think about it, this is obvious and predictable.
All the delights of the candy-bouquet period, when everyone tried to show their best side and impress their partner, are over. After the wedding, the newlyweds decide that they can relax.
They enter into a common everyday life with all their habits. Sometimes it seems that a complete stranger appears in front of one of the spouses.
It is in the first year that spouses learn to live together, share one kitchen and bathroom in the morning, use one closet, spend quiet family evenings under one roof, and manage a joint family budget.
The causes of the family crisis of the first year include, as it seems at first glance, completely innocent situations:
- the wife is a morning person, she doesn’t get up very early, and the husband likes to watch TV until late and sleeps off in the morning;
- the man doesn’t take care of things, scatters them everywhere, but the girl loves order;
- the girl likes to spend her free time and weekends in noisy companies, and young man need a sofa and TV;
- a man is trying to save money to pay for an apartment, and his wife makes unplanned purchases.
There are many such reasons, and all of them are related to the discrepancy between habits and worldviews.
When solving problems that arise, you should not act rashly. Especially if young people want to save their relationship. Controversial issues can be resolved quite simply. It is necessary to find a compromise.
There is no need to start by putting forward mutual ultimatums. It is especially necessary to establish a taboo on the phrase “If something doesn’t suit you, file for divorce!” Otherwise, in the heat of a quarrel, you can hear consent to the proposal. All this leads to an inevitable break in relations. Even if the young people subsequently make peace, the echo of the spoken phrases will still return subconsciously.
The next mistake newlyweds make is avoiding discussing the problem. In this case, the resentment is hidden and a huge lump gradually accumulates, which eventually breaks out. The best way out of problematic situations is to talk it out.
It is a conversation with a loved one that can solve many problems. Conviction is a great power.
For example, if a young wife is not satisfied with the fact that her husband constantly throws his things around, then there are three ways to resolve the problem:
- collect things and put them in their places herself. But this is only provided that this procedure does not irritate the woman;
- ask, remind, prompt the husband so that he does not forget to put his things away and justify the request by saying that he will give his wife great pleasure by doing so;
- constantly scolding my husband and reproaching him for being a slob and never learning how to put things back in their place.
Constant reproaches, dissatisfaction and comparison with someone are a direct path to divorce. No ultimatum can force a man to do something he doesn’t want to do. Such actions can achieve a completely opposite reaction.
3 year
The period of marriage of 3 years is the most decisive. At this time, it is precisely determined whether the couple will be together in the future.
3 years is exactly the period during which young people have already gotten to know each other thoroughly, many everyday problems have appeared, and help from parents begins to gradually diminish.
Ultimately, the young couple is left alone with their problems, and often they are unable to cope with the problems that arise. After 3 years of marriage, each spouse comes to the conclusion that all illusions are dispelled, and they see their other half as they really are.
Dreams do not always coincide with reality. It turned out that family life itself is not coffee in bed and bouquets of flowers, but a constant everyday routine. During this period I want to change something. For women, this is the desire to have a child in the family. But men do not always share the opinion of their wife.
They are sure that first they need to get on their feet financially. Sometimes women themselves push them to such a decision, because they constantly hear reproaches that there is not enough money and it is not always possible to buy what you want.
It is not at all a fact that a young man, in principle, does not want children. He's just afraid that he won't be able to provide for his family fully.
In the event that it is finally decided to give birth to a baby, the crisis may worsen. As soon as a woman finds out about her pregnancy and informs her partner about it, we can consider that the new stage crisis relationships, even if the child is desired. Everything happens at the subconscious level. The fact is that following maternal instincts, a woman is completely absorbed in herself during pregnancy, and after the birth of a child - in caring for him.
In this case, the spouse begins to feel disadvantaged and is not given enough attention. He was already accustomed to a completely different state of affairs. The main motto when overcoming the 3-year crisis is to understand the essence of “Family is not me and you, it is us!” All problems that arise are discussed and resolved only jointly. In cases where the financial situation of the family is not strong enough, both should work. You should create a family budget and clearly control waste. This is almost the only way to improve the financial situation of a young family on your own.
With regard to the appearance of children in the family, the desire of both is also necessary. And if a young man doesn’t talk about it, it means he’s not ready for it.
You shouldn’t constantly remind him of this, demonstrate family photos friends with a baby. This will rather irritate him than contribute to the desire to have a baby.
It is better to probe his plans for children carefully and unobtrusively and wait patiently until the young man is ripe for this important step. If a baby appears in the family, immediately begin to involve your husband in taking care of him. And most importantly, you need to show that your husband is as important to you as your baby.
It is advisable to leave dad and baby alone more often. He can walk with him on the street or babysit him in the evenings. At the same time, don’t forget about yourself. Don't let yourself go, take up some hobby while you're not working. Only by taking care of your baby together will you be able to understand how necessary you are to each other and to your child.
To overcome the 3-year crisis, it is necessary to develop joint goals and move towards achieving them together.
7 year
The next crisis in family relationships, according to psychologists, occurs after 7 years. And it is usually provoked, oddly enough, by persistence.
That is, all the experiences of the first years of life together disappeared, a child appeared, a job, and a familiar social circle. Family life has already been planned for several months in advance. You know what awaits you at home, because each subsequent day is little different from the previous one.
But some couples compare this period to a swamp or a coma. It seems like life exists, but on the other hand, there is nothing exciting or progressive. It is at this moment that the spouses have an irresistible desire to change something and somehow diversify their family life. Often it ends with the betrayal of one of the spouses. Moreover, this desire appears in both the husband and the wife.
The only difference is that men do not attach much importance to these connections. Their hobbies begin quickly and end just as quickly.
At this moment, men do not think about divorce. But female infidelities much more serious. They do not decide to take such a step right away, but if this has already happened, they often end in a break in family relationships.
Overcoming the crisis of 7 years lies in the life principle: do not stop at the achieved result, move forward. Spouses need to think about each other and continue to arrange surprises.
Periodically organize romantic trips, change home furnishings, buy a summer house or start building a country house. You can do everything you dreamed of, but at first you didn’t have enough time and money. If this is not possible, then at least determine a common hobby.
Let's say take up dancing, but be sure to do it together. But you shouldn’t force your significant other to do this.
14 year
A less dangerous, but longer crisis occurs after 14 years of marriage. Its onset is provoked by a midlife crisis, which occurs at the age of 40.
It is during this period that they understand that, probably, not all the goals set were realized. Many people feel pressured by time. That is, it seems that you will no longer have time to fulfill the plans that were set.
Problems with children in the family usually occur during this same period. By this time they are in adolescence, which is also quite difficult for a child. Acquaintances and friends cannot always help and distract from the current situation, since they have similar problems.
During middle age, people experience more frequent emotional breakdowns, characterized by the appearance of unreasonable fears and complaints about certain deteriorating health.
Women begin to worry about their aging, as well as the possibility of their men switching to younger women.
In this situation, spouses must build their family life in such a way as to constantly distract themselves from unpleasant thoughts and problems of aging.
It is advisable if you still find friends who can help you out of your depressed state. Wives should not overly dramatize their husband's adventures. Most likely, a lot of things are made up by them. And even if a hobby does happen, it ends very quickly at this age.
If a person is dear, you need to think about forgiveness.
25 year
One of the later crises occurs after 25 years of family life. It begins to progress after children leave the family and begin their independent adult lives.
It would seem that the main everyday problems have been solved, there are enough funds, all that remains is to enjoy living together. And here, boredom and loneliness begin to be felt. It turns out that to build life together it was much more interesting and exciting than using what we had acquired during our entire life together.
Psychologists note that if love and mutual understanding reigned between spouses throughout their lives, then the crisis of 25 years may pass unnoticed or not occur at all. Problems arise from misunderstanding and lack of support. If, throughout your entire life together, love has collapsed, and family friendship If it didn’t work out, then a crisis is inevitable.
A woman has nothing to replace the constant care of children; she feels useless to anyone. And in this case, children can help.
It is they who, by caring for their parents, can give them enthusiasm. Especially if grandparents begin to help raise their grandchildren. It’s not for nothing that they say that children are the flowers of life. Grandchildren give a second youth to their grandparents.
In this video, a psychotherapist will tell you how to overcome a crisis in family life:
It is also necessary to independently try to renew relations with each other, to find common ground.
If funds allow, you can start traveling and try to implement those plans that, for some reason, were not possible to implement earlier.
Psychologists say that crises in family life are bound to happen. Some couples experience them quite hard, while some simply do not pay attention to them and subsequently destroy their relationship. What do you think: is divorce really to blame? life problems and is it necessary to build relationships over the years? Maybe the married couple simply never had love, but only a temporary, fleeting infatuation?
Marriage is a very complex phenomenon that each of us must experience in our lives. But everyone succeeds the first time, and often the reason for divorce is not only a difference in character or the husband’s betrayal, it can be a completely standard manifestation of one of the family crises that the couple could not survive. Family relationships tend to undergo periodic crises over time
You can long and persistently teach and instruct each person getting married about what awaits him at the new stage of his life. But in the end, no one can warn us against the mistakes that we ourselves will make. And I completely agree with those who believe that you can only learn something from your own experience. Sometimes it is very difficult to understand what is going on between two people throughout their life, relationship and marriage. What two can understand cannot be understood by a third.
Therefore, before you read this article, I would like to tell you that when solving problems or crises, you should first of all rely on your feelings and your intuition. It’s not for nothing that they say that the heart never lies. It is quite possible that the crisis in your relationship is associated not only with the passage of a certain number of years, but with real problems that you need to solve. Or perhaps you just realized that your feelings have faded over time - and this is not scary, the main thing is to be able to make this decision and move on no matter what.
What is a crisis in family relationships?
And so, in order to determine whether there is a crisis in your family or a completely different problem, you first need to understand what we are dealing with. And here are the main signs of a crisis in family relationships:
- absence of disputes, or vice versa constant scandals. Many psychologists, and ordinary people also believe that the absence of quarrels and scandals is a sign of indifference, or their weakening. But this does not always happen; it is possible that you and your spouse have calm personalities, or you are used to resolving conflicts peacefully by talking.
- in a conflict, even a groundless one, everyone insists on their own opinion and does not try to understand the other side. This is a rather difficult situation that not every family can cope with. Misunderstanding or anxiety towards each other can sometimes cause such misunderstanding, and maybe a loss of feelings or fatigue. No matter what, if your feelings are still strong and you feel it, you should not be led by conflicts. Learn and teach your spouse to listen to each other and be more patient.
- aggression as a defensive reaction to the spouse’s aggression;
- one of the partners refuses intimacy. The reasons for this phenomenon can be completely different, so you shouldn’t concentrate your main attention on it until you figure out what’s going on.
- one of the spouses refuses to take part in decision making. This may be due not only to a crisis in relationships, but also to internal psychological problems.
- undivided responsibilities are very typical for young families who cannot really decide what each family member is responsible for.
- one of the spouses has withdrawn into himself, which may be due to a midlife crisis in one of the spouses. During this period, he tries to rethink his life, he feels a feeling of dissatisfaction, which means he begins to think about changing himself and his family life;
- absence of any conversations between spouses, or reluctance to talk for a long time;
- a woman during a crisis in family relationships stops thinking about herself, devotes herself to her family and turns into a “cook.” Unfortunately, almost every woman has to deal with this phenomenon, despite the fact that the situation in modern family has changed and the woman is trying to devote more and more time to work and personal self-development;
- workaholism often accompanies a crisis in family life. I think the concept is familiar to many. Everyone has had to deal with a situation where a husband is late at work, or a wife is bothered by constant phone calls from work, unexpected meetings on the weekend, working from home, and much more.
- lack of emotional support between partners.
Also, the causes of the crisis may be problems in relationships with relatives, problems at work, moving to another city or country, as well as a change in financial situation. The most difficult factors are job loss, death of a close or relative, serious illness and the birth of children with disabilities.
Psychology of family crises
Some families are able to cope with crises on their own, while others require professional help. As a rule, in such families even the smallest conflicts are not resolved. By lacking the ability to resolve conflicts, the family creates additional difficulties for itself, and goes from crisis to crisis increasingly and with increasing dissatisfaction from its spouse and joint family life.
Even modern psychology of family crises cannot give a clear answer to the question of how to properly get out of difficult situations in relationships with a partner. “All families are equally happy, each family is unhappy in its own way,” I just want to say in addition to the topic. We all strive to be better and create the most ideal family. But this is a big job, both need to work on it, and not everyone succeeds. Each family has its own strengths and weak sides, its rules and obligations, tasks and problems.
If it seems to you that your family at this stage is simply overwhelmed with unresolved conflicts, there is a failure within your family, and you are no longer able to cope with it on your own, then you should seek help from a professional who specializes in the psychology of family crises. There is nothing shameful in this; in many European countries it has already become mandatory for spouses to have a family psychologist who is ready to help at any moment. This is one of those things that we really should borrow from the outside, because there is nothing wrong with taking a problem to the person who understands it best.
Development of family relationships
Scientists identify several stages in the levels of relationship development:
- 1. The period, better known as the candy-bouquet period, is the period of courtship. This is the time of falling in love, romantic meetings, the couple has not yet started living together;
- 2. The period of living together without children, the beginning of a family;
- 3. The period of living together with children. The wife and husband try on the role of mother and father;
- 4. The period of maturity in life together. The family becomes a large mechanism that requires more and more resources, and a second and third child appear;
- 5. The period of family with adult children. Parents and children are becoming older and preparing to leave the family;
- 6. Grown children leave the family, and the spouses are left alone again.
Crisis of family relations by year
First year of marriage is critical due to the fact that the couple is just getting used to each other and getting used to each other in everyday life. The spouses do not want to share responsibilities in any way and change the lifestyle to which each of them is accustomed. Example: he is a morning person - you are a night owl, he creates a mess, and you clean it up, he is more economical, and you are used to spending a lot - these and similar conflicts become a real problem that requires interaction of both sides and joint discussion. All this leads to frequent conflicts and discord, which can lead to divorce if they are not resolved in time. Most often, adjustments pass over time, and over time, spouses learn to find compromises, understand and accept each other for who they really are. And most importantly, do not lose love and trust, which are the main companion in your entire life together. The next family crises over the years will be much easier for spouses who were able to find mutual understanding.
Third year of marriage is critical because the couple transforms from passionate lovers into loyal companions. In the first three years of marriage, the couple has their first child and the responsibility of raising a new personality falls on the shoulders of the parents, which for now is completely and entirely dependent on you. Material costs increase, as well as the physical and psychological impact on each family member. The spouse devotes all her time to the child and the spouse begins to feel superfluous and unnecessary in his home, and your task is to prove to him that everything is not as it seems. Let him feel not only like a spouse and housewife, but also an excellent father. Remember that your responsibilities include being not only the parents of the baby, but loving and trusting spouses. Also during this period, each spouse is concerned about home improvement, personal and professional growth, and personal problems. Psychological and physical stress can cause alienation and misunderstanding in the family. As a result of the birth of a child, a man often becomes sexually unsatisfied and begins to see all the shortcomings of his other half - and this applies not only to men, but also to women. Banal mutual understanding and respect will help you overcome the crisis, and remember that you yourself are not without shortcomings.
Fifth year of marriage is critical because the woman returns to labor activity after the birth of the child. She faces several tasks at once: raising a child, professional responsibilities, preserving family comfort, her external image. She understands that she cannot cope with all tasks at once. She needs new emotions, but she does not have the opportunity to get them - hence possible nervous breakdowns and psychological problems, and also often they have lovers. Men must be very careful and attentive to their wives during this period, otherwise they risk losing their family. How to survive a crisis in family relationships - involve your grandmother in caring for the child, hire an au pair if you yourself cannot help your wife.
Seventh year of marriage is critical because it is associated with addiction. Life goes on as usual and it seems to the spouses that further existence will not bring anything new and interesting, something like the “limit of development.” It is during this period that real financial expenses begin - kindergarten, clothes for the child, for yourself and your husband, as well as food and many other necessary things. It seems that the list of necessary things will never end, and there is always not enough money. This causes disputes and conflicts within the family. The crisis of family relationships may worsen over the years if the child’s father does not want to give up his old habits, finds a new hobby and again begins to feel like a “hunter”. And the wife may well decide that one child is enough for her, but she has neither the strength nor the desire to care for the second - her husband. It is women during this period who can initiate divorce.
Fourteenth year of marriage is critical because it is associated with hormonal changes in both men and women. Many psychologists consider this period the most dangerous for a married couple. Statistics note that every fifth person at the age of 40-50 starts a second family, and in most cases, the chosen ones are girls 15-20 years younger than their spouse (“gray hair, devil in the rib” - this is precisely about this period), and some simply constantly change partners. Experts believe that this is due to a decrease in sexual potency, as a result of which the man tries to prove to himself and everyone around him that this is not so. Result: leaving the family, young mistress, many sexual partners, etc. phenomena. This is a unique version of female menopause. Women do not stand aside during this period - there is increased irritability and nervousness, but their sexual activity during this period increases, unlike men (“forty-five - old lady again”). But in fact, the main reason for all the changes that occur is damn banal - the fear that life goes on, but nothing changes: the same job, the same person nearby, the same repeating days, etc. To solve the crisis, psychologists recommend organizing something like a second honeymoon with your spouse, but the initiative must come from both sides. Do not forget that you have lived together for so many years and were able to overcome not a single crisis of family life, which means that your family still has a core, a foundation, which is the key to successful and happy family– your task is only to remember this and develop relationships so that there is no feeling of “stagnation”.
Ways out of a family relationship crisis
Of course, there is no ideal solution, because this is an individual process. Each of us goes through the crisis of family life in our own way: for some the problem becomes more acute, but for others it passes unnoticed. Below I will give you some tips to help you cope with a stressful period in your family relationships.
The main rule in any relationship, not only family, but also friendly, is to talk, discuss problems and under no circumstances hush up the problem. One of the main reasons for married couples to turn to a psychologist is the difficulty of communication between spouses, and only 40% of all problems are related to financial and sexual problems. Therefore: talk people, talk. This is an important step towards solving many problems and misunderstandings.
Take seriously all claims, as well as your husband’s concerns and problems, because this is how complicity in the life of your loved one is manifested. In addition, your support in resolving difficult situation is very important for any person - it will speak of you as a faithful person who can be trusted and with whom you can live your whole life without worry, back to back - hand in hand.
Another important rule – know how to forgive your loved ones and other halves, good family without this it is impossible, or it will not live very long. In addition, psychologists note that it is very important not only to forgive, but also to accept an apology. If you feel that you are not ready for a truce and do not want to communicate with your spouse in the near future, then you should inform him about this. After all, in the end, your silence without presenting claims and without explanations may simply get boring for him. And then the ending may turn out to be completely different from what you planned.
Do not manipulate your husband, for example, by denying him intimacy. Bring romance back into your relationship: a dinner for two, a trip to the movies, unexpected text messages during the workday, or cute notes on the refrigerator. Try to avoid the everyday routine, bring something new into each new day - it doesn’t have to be something large-scale, even small but pleasant little things will make your life together brighter and more interesting. Even simple compliments can have an amazing effect (remember how long ago you complimented your spouse since your wedding day?). Ideally, set aside a few days that you will spend only together (the children can be sent to grandma or left with their friends, they will only be happy).
Intimacy is an integral part of family relationships, and one should not forget about it in the routine of everyday worries. Diversify and improve your intimate life, it will be a sip fresh air in solving your problems. By the way, physical intimacy helps maintain a strong connection between spouses, but its absence can lead to numerous conflicts.
Except love relationship, do not forget to maintain friendship - this is one of the foundations of a family, which allows you to maintain relationships for a long time and solve pressing problems and avoid crises in family life.
Conflicts also have their own rules that should not be violated if you do not seek to destroy the family, but only want to convey to your partner the essence of your complaints:
- Do not under any circumstances insult him or criticize him in the presence of strangers, it looks very ugly. This rarely happens in the heat of a fight, but you should watch what you say. If possible, try to avoid controversial topics that relate to politics, religion, etc. But not concerning family, children and your relationships. A good solution for when you are overwhelmed with emotions is to write everything on a piece of paper.
- leave each other personal space, that is, each family member should have a place where he can be alone and calm down.
- An interesting option: try to look at your spouse with different eyes - dive deeper into his hobbies, you can chat with his parents and childhood friends, who will tell you a lot of interesting things about your other half. The psychology of family crises is such that the fewer common interests you have, the higher the likelihood of a breakup.
- you may have completely different hobbies, but it’s okay if you start doing one of them together - it could be dancing, sports clubs or creating a piece of art. Hobbies as a couple will unite you and make your family stronger.
How to survive crises in family life?
Don’t forget that throughout life, each of us changes and develops, so it’s not surprising that the person you initially fell in love with has changed - you haven’t remained the same either, be more tolerant of such things. Only if you have due respect for your soulmate can you survive all the crises of family life together.
Respect is another important key to saving a marriage; each partner must respect the other as an individual, and his habits and hobbies as a consequence. You may not like them, but they should be respected as an important part of your significant other's personality. Without respect in family life, the flow of reproaches and understatements will be endless, which most often leads to disastrous consequences
Under no circumstances should you break off a relationship or move away when the first signs of a crisis appear, because the sooner you start working on the problem, the greater the chances of saving your family. After all, this is exactly what you want?
It is naive to believe that all problems will be solved by themselves and the crisis of family relationships will disappear without your participation. And if it doesn’t work out, then it’s not my person, and I need to look for someone who loves me, who will understand me. With this position in relationships, you will face problems and constant conflicts from one to the other. It is worth remembering that you chose the person you love, you love him. And if the feelings remain the same on your part and on his part, you should try in every possible way to save the family that you two decided to create.
Every family experiences family crises. They can be caused by specific events, or have no specific reason.
Most psychologists are of the opinion that crises in family life should be classified by year.
Concept
Family crisis- deterioration of relations between spouses resulting from loss of mutual understanding.
During a crisis, spouses cease to experience the same feelings of trust, understanding, attraction, etc. for each other.
Most often, couples are unable to resolve the negative situation on their own. The best option is to turn to specialists.
Ignoring the problem contributes to the worsening of the situation, which can ultimately lead to family breakdown.
Causes
Each family is individual, so there is no single system of causes for problems. Nevertheless, we can identify a number of the most common life situations that become the impetus for misunderstandings in a couple:
Regulatory crises
The above crises have a probabilistic nature- in one family they can happen, but not in another.
For example, when entering into a marriage between mature people, having a certain life experience and material wealth, crises due to financial difficulties, differences of interests, young age, etc. are excluded.
Regulatory crises that almost every family experiences have a different nature.
These are certain complex ones life situations, which almost all spouses go through.
Regulatory crises include:
When does it come?
You can understand that a family crisis has occurred by the following: signs:
- lack of mutual understanding and support;
- frequent quarrels, disagreements;
- aggression, assault;
- lie;
- treason;
- mistrust, suspicion, etc.
Chronology
Exists specific chronology family crises by year and event.
First year
The newlyweds begin to live together and face everyday problems, financial difficulties.
When living together, character traits of the other half are revealed that were invisible during the courtship period.
Birth of a child
The appearance of a baby in the house always complicates relationships between young spouses. Difficulties may begin yet. During this period, women often experience mood swings, health problems, fears, etc.
Not all husbands are ready for such manifestations. After the birth of a child appear new difficulties- sleepless nights, problems with daytime sleep, feeding difficulties, childhood illnesses, lack of opportunity to be alone, etc.
Constant lack of sleep leads to irritability and aggression in spouses. All this negatively affects their relationship.
The situation may be aggravated by the presence financial difficulties, since maintaining a child requires significant costs.
3 years
At this moment, spouses who have established a family life and given birth to a child (and sometimes two) experience psychological fatigue from each other.
Disputes often arise on minor issues, disagreements, problems arise in the intimate sphere, etc.
The presence of small children is significant complicates the situation.
5 years
After five years, most families already have one or two children. If children attend kindergarten, then from the parents new responsibilities appear- before work, take the children to the kindergarten, after work - pick them up.
Daily execution of the same algorithm of actions in combination with fatigue after work, fatigue from everyday problems and the presence of financial difficulties provokes the development of dissatisfaction with one’s life and a desire to change something.
If during this period a woman continues to be on maternity leave with her second child, she may experience apathy from monotony of its existence. The husband, in turn, may lose interest in his wife, who sits at home for a long time and performs exclusively the duties of a housewife.
The third option is that the couple still does not have children. After five years of marriage, the absence of children can lead to the appearance of one or both spouses opinions about the meaninglessness of this union.
7 years
The main cause of problems at this stage is monotony.
The children have already grown up a little, life is settled, the husband has long become familiar and understandable.
The parties begin to feel the need for fresh sensations, new emotions.
This is especially true in the intimate sphere. At this stage, adultery often occurs.
The only way out- jointly look for ways to create a new interest in family life: change your place of residence, go on a trip, change your image, try something new in intimate life etc.
9-10 years
The spouses have already do not feel any particular passion, attraction or interest in each other. Their relationship has long since returned to normal. They are well versed in each other's habits, views and interests. Habituation leads to the appearance of apathy.
10 years is a serious “experience” of family life. The relationship between a husband and wife who have been married for 10 years is more reminiscent of a strong friendship rather than a union of loving people.
The main interest during this period was focused on children, on improving material well-being and living conditions. Spouses more immersed in material tasks and pay little attention to feelings and emotions in marriage. This can lead to serious problems.
12-15 years
At this point, children typically reach adolescence.
arise natural difficulties in the relationship between parents and children.
Quarrels often occur between husband and wife during this period. based on different views for raising children. Increasing material costs for children leads to additional disagreements.
15 years. During this period, most spouses reach the age of forty. Psychologists consider this age to be a crisis, as people reassess values and analyze their own achievements and failures.
Men often come to the conclusion that it is necessary change of partner. It seems to them that a younger companion will significantly improve their quality of life and attract success.
Women, in turn, at this age already feel the need for certain status, in an adequate quality of life.
The discrepancy between the spouse's achievements and their expectations leads to the presentation of claims to the spouse and the emergence of dissatisfaction with family life.
Later
Children grow up and leave their parents' home. The spouses are left alone and discover a complete lack of any connections except for the habit of living together. Sometimes the departure of children from the parental home becomes the impetus for a break in relations between spouses.
How to survive?
What to do? What are the main ways to resolve the problem? To overcome a family crisis, spouses need:
Thus, with family crises any faces married couple at certain stages of cohabitation. It is important to recognize alarming symptoms in time and take all necessary measures to save the family.
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