- Love is, of course, a gift. You can't force anyone to love you. And yet, you can be a person who is easier to love, whom many love, and you can be a person who is more difficult to love and to love in general. What are people like internally who can be loved constantly, for a long time?
A full-fledged loving relationship implies stability, psychological maturity of both partners, and their readiness to grow together. This means that if I am stable and at the same time curious about life, then it seems to me that people with similar needs will be interested in me. It is more interesting to live when life is a kind of adventure. I'm not saying that it should always be life at high speed, full of fireworks. But when life is an adventure, it seems natural to travel together with someone who has the important quality of being interested in life, but also able to take care of himself.
- Probably, by “curiosity” you also mean a person’s ability to rejoice in what he sees on this journey, a certain liveliness, cheerfulness?
Yes. This can also be called the word "faith." The belief that even if it is difficult now, there is some meaning in these difficulties and, having gone through them, you will find yourself at the next stage of life. If this feeling is not there, if a person falls into despondency, into despair, then there really is no movement forward, and such a situation is quite dangerous. The quality that I called curiosity intersects with the theme of joy and faith, that is, with that which needs to be cultivated in ourselves, that requires our attention.
- It seems to me that when I look for a travel companion, first of all, I choose a person who wants to move in the same direction as me, because no matter what all the other qualities are, if we move in different directions, then we don’t have it will turn out to be a common path.
In any case, two different people look at the world a little differently. Everyone goes their own way in shaping their worldview, so discussions, disagreements, and exchange of experiences are part of deep relationships. But if, when choosing a partner for a serious relationship, it turns out that you and he look in completely different directions and imagine the values in this world in completely different ways, then by deciding to go on a long and risky journey with such a travel companion, you are taking on additional risk . I think this is unwise.
Therefore, a person who wants to experience on his path must be true to himself. Of course, some of our beliefs may not be liked by someone. There is a sadness inherent in this world: it is not possible to achieve mutual understanding with everyone. On the other hand, it is inevitable. As the song says: “I’m not a piece of gold to please everyone.”
- Do you agree with the statement: “To be loved, you must love yourself”?
In the question itself: “How can I be loved?” there is a passive note. If we move only in this direction, looking for some technologies that would help me conquer other people, then, in my opinion, this will be a dead end. Because in general it’s difficult for people to get along with each other; we’re designed that way, even if at first glance we’re very curious about each other, when we get closer, difficulties inevitably begin. You can spend your whole life trying to show yourself from exceptionally attractive and best sides, but then there is a danger of living a life that is not yours. And in order for genuine warmth to be born between people, I think it is better to take a more active position than a passive one. You shouldn't expect everyone around you to admire me. You need to try to take steps towards people yourself. These steps may include showing concern for someone, showing sympathy, and support. Now, if a person finds the strength to go beyond himself to other people, then relationships will become possible, then the other person will have the opportunity to show care and love in return. First of all, you need to show love yourself.
- What to do with the famous phrase: “from pity to love there is one step”? The first thing that happens is pity, and then what happens?
There may be different scenarios here, and I think that there is not always one step from pity to love. If a person consciously adheres to the role of a victim who requires pity for himself, and does not want to try himself in other roles, then I doubt that pity for him will turn into love.
Another thing is that a person is vulnerable, and everyone sometimes finds themselves in a situation where they really need help. There are stages in the life of any person when it is difficult for him and he cannot cope without external support. And in this situation, of course, it would be good to have the skill of asking someone for help. You need to be able to present to another person - a relative or an acquaintance, sometimes even a stranger - your need for his help. For some people this is very difficult, but for others this spiritual exercise is easier.
I think it's important to have a balance, and when it's really difficult, don't be shy about asking for help, but don't get stuck in the role of a victim who needs help all the time. Because in a couple it’s tiring and it’s clear that sometimes the partner also needs help, or a friend, or a child. It is important to have internal flexibility, to be able to ask for help when I need it, and to see situations when your neighbor needs your help and be able to provide it. To do this, you definitely need to get out of the position of your own victim and learn to gain strength, find stability and take steps towards others.
- Returning to the travel metaphor. It seems to me that you also need such a quality as reliability, you need to be a reliable companion. If travel is life, then what is this reliability expressed in?
It is very important to keep in mind that any close relationship with any person is associated with discomfort. Dreams that my soulmate lives somewhere and if I find her, then it will always be easy with her, these are still fantasies. Relationships are something that is built, and it is built with the efforts of two partners, and you need to be prepared for difficulties in relationships. Despite the difficulties, the two must move along the path of ever greater spiritual intimacy. Therefore, if both people, a man and a woman, are mentally prepared for difficulties, then it will be easier for them to be faithful to each other and the promises they made to each other.
- That is, should one not be afraid of making mistakes in the search for “that” person, but rather be “that” person, be faithful oneself? Actually, this is what our conversation is dedicated to: how to become and be “that” person.
It turns out that from everything you said, you can highlight the following important points: in order to be loved, you yourself need to take the first step towards caring in love, you should acquire the ability to achieve balance in the relationship between “taking” and “giving”. Now I would like to talk about what needs to be done to acquire these skills that are opposite to selfishness?
At a theoretical level, it is impossible to develop these skills in oneself. Accordingly, in order to learn to get along with people, you need to look for places where these people are and where you can not only sit and look at each other, but do something together. Therefore, works of mercy, socially useful activities or creativity are forms of cooperation that allow you to actively be together with other people, and this is a very good platform for acquiring the necessary interaction skills. And already in this cooperation, I can learn to forgive people for their shortcomings, and get used to the fact that someone can treat my shortcomings with understanding. Because when people do something together, friction inevitably arises, because someone thinks it should be done this way, and someone else thinks it should be done differently. And since family life and relationships in the family are also joint work, then some joint business with other people can be a platform for experimentation. In this matter, you can learn how to go through conflicts, how to help each other.
- But you can just take care of someone unfortunate from among your friends or a sick relative?
Yes, it doesn’t even require finding a special association of people. This will allow you to gain the same necessary skills. But, since we are talking about the experience of interacting with people at the partnership level, in addition to the skill of individual service and personal manifestation of love, I think it would be great to find another group of people with whom you can try yourself in partnership. I need to communicate not only with those who need my care, but also with those with whom we can cooperate or take care of someone else.
The disadvantages are being fixated on oneself, on one’s ideas about life, the inability to see what is happening nearby, and avoidance of the truth, so I would say. The most harmful thing in a relationship is the reluctance to see the truth and the fear of admitting and discussing what is really happening to us now.
Self-obsession does not provide the opportunity to enter into dialogue with others. Being isolated on one's own personality leads to isolation from the people around you and from God. This happens, I think, because of fear, because of shame, distrust of God and distrust of one’s neighbor. How to deal with this? You have to risk opening up to God, risk opening up to another person and see what happens. Experience shows that if you open up, something important, warm, and giving strength to move forward is born. Opening up to where I feel vulnerable, where I need help, and then seeing what I can give in return.
When a person is in communication with the Creator, in communication with another person - the image and likeness of God, then he is filled with strength, filled with love. If he closes himself only on himself, he deprives himself of that source of strength and love, which is available to everyone, but, unfortunately, to which not everyone turns.
- It happens that a person, in general, is not very good and kind, due to some kind of acceptance of himself entirely, with all his advantages and disadvantages, arouses sympathy. What is the reason for this phenomenon?
I think that's what it's all about. If a person takes a very tough position towards himself, is sure that he must meet some strict parameters and does not allow himself to be himself (as they say, he has complexes), he automatically transfers these requirements to other people. And it turns out that a person who is harsh towards himself creates difficulties for those around him, who all the time have to live up to his ideas about the ideal, all the time maintaining a certain standard. Or endure this person’s claims for our failure to meet his requirements.
But if a person accepts himself, it is easy to be around him, because if a person does not torment himself for not meeting one or another criteria, accepts himself for who he is, then next to such a person it is much easier for me to be myself. I understand that this person will not judge me all the time, demand something from me all the time, will not compete with me all the time, or try to defeat me in something.
- We usually understand that complexes do not arise as a consequence of a deep analysis of one’s shortcomings, but come from childhood and are associated with the fact that the child was not understood and was raised incorrectly by his parents, or he had other troubles in childhood or adolescence, so the problem of complexes is deep-seated . What can you do to start solving it and learn to accept yourself?
You are right that upbringing in a family leaves an imprint on how a person later perceives himself, and you are also right that this is a solvable problem. And even if there were some difficulties in childhood, this does not mean that my whole life is predetermined by them, and nothing can be done about it. If a person is an adult, then he can change if he wants to.
I think you need to look for people with whose help you can gain faith in yourself. The Holy Scripture says a lot about the value of each person in the eyes of God, but, in addition to religious experience, everyone can feel their value as an individual in the society of people. Sometimes it takes time to find a person in whose company it would be possible to see your own value; it may not work out on the first try. But if you are persistent, you can find friends, teachers or a coach, and then a wife or husband, reflected in whose eyes you can see that my imperfection is not my fault, is not a wall that prevents others from loving me. If I experience how another person, recognizing my imperfections, continues to treat me warmly, then I can rely on this experience in building new relationships and in accepting myself, if I did not receive such an experience earlier in childhood or received it then few.
But at the same time, we cannot completely depend only on the attitude of other people towards us, otherwise someone’s dislike may again throw us back towards our previous complexes. In a sense, it’s easier for a believer. Reminding yourself of Heavenly Father's unconditional and unfailing love is a strong support in life's journey.
- Probably, you need to not just find a person and sit back and wait for him to appreciate me, but also prove your worth with your actions, prove yourself in such a way that you can be positively assessed?
There is one detail here that I think needs to be clarified. There is such a distortion when a person believes that he is valuable only when he does something useful, and a lot of energy is thrown into this activity, so that it becomes a way of escaping from himself and causes workaholism or other distortions, for example perfectionism complex. And when you begin to examine what is happening, it turns out that a person evaluates himself so strongly through the activity he performs that he already forgets that this is not the most important thing, it is only an external indirect manifestation of what is happening in the human heart. Therefore, joint activity with other people, any activity in general, is an important part of a person’s life, but at the same time it is only a platform for the manifestation of internal qualities.
- Sometimes in a relationship a person hides some of his qualities because he is afraid that if he shows them, they will not love him for it. Should he just have the courage to show them or is it better to trust his intuition and remain somewhat closed from other people?
Indeed, it usually takes courage to step outside of yourself and try to connect with someone. This is a skill that few people are given on their own. I think you need to take risks and learn from it.
- How to take the first step in building a relationship if you are a shy person, with incomplete self-acceptance, who does not consider yourself wonderful and worthy of love? Should we expect that this shyness will go away on its own one day or should we try to take the first steps towards communicating with other people, towards trying out some kind of relationship, without waiting for it?
If a person sets the condition for the beginning of “real” life to be the achievement of a certain ideal, then there is a big risk that this moment may never arrive. And the courage we are talking about lies precisely in being aware of your own imperfection and limitations of your capabilities, and even aware of your fear, while still taking active steps forward. Because we learn to live only in the process of living, and if we put off living until the point when we decide that we are now ready to start living, then it is possible that we will never reach that point. It’s better to start living right today, despite the fact that I don’t like everything about myself, the people around me and the world. I may not like a lot, but today I am who I am today, and there are people and a world around me into which the Lord brought me, and since this happened, then I need, starting from today, to learn to negotiate and interact with them.
- Sometimes we meet people who are in the spotlight of many. There is a temptation to copy them in your behavior. What do you think about this way of increasing your attractiveness? On the one hand, you can learn something good (or bad) from your idols, but, on the other hand, you can lose yourself in the process.
Any person grows up by copying the actions of adults in childhood. And in adolescence, at some point, many people experience fear when a person realizes that he is a set of other people’s thoughts, other people’s gestures, tastes in clothes, that he has nothing of his own. In a recent conversation with one of my visitors, I reassured the young man that, indeed, he copied some elements of his behavior from different people, but the combination of these elements that he represents today is unique.
Here it is important to be very sensitive to your heart, which makes us understand what suits me, what is good for me, and what is not good and harmful. There is nothing wrong with copying other people's healthy skills. The danger is in forcing yourself into something that doesn't actually fit you, like wearing clothes that don't fit. If I see good results from my borrowing, if it has improved my relationships with other people, then there is nothing wrong with keeping it to myself. But if I see that the fruits of this appropriation are beginning to upset something in my life, if I feel lies and discomfort, then it is better to refuse to copy this behavior or philosophical concept.
- Do you think there are people who are so empty, uninteresting, insignificant that they are doomed to always just copy someone? Or are there no such people, but there are those who have not yet been able to reveal themselves?
I think that there are still no people who are completely meager and uninteresting. It happens that, due to some unfavorable conditions, a person lacks faith in himself, in his worth, in his vitality, and he is afraid to explore his resources.
And it happens that a person sees both strengths and resources in himself, but they do not correspond to the values of the environment in which he lives. And then he also begins to think that something is wrong with him.
Also, this false feeling of one’s own “emptiness” and “uninterestingness” may be associated with some traumatic situations in childhood that block the understanding and manifestation of one’s own abilities.
- What else would you like to tell people who are interested in this question: how to make me loved?
We said that some activity is required if I want to find myself in the world of people, to be noticed by them, to be close to some of them. It also requires, as you said yourself, some courage. Despite the difficulties, despite the fact that not everything works out right away, I need to maintain an optimistic outlook, keep faith that with God’s help and with the help of the abilities inherent in me, I will be able to find mutual love sooner or later. It is impossible to make all people love me; this is a completely impossible task. But finding your own circle of people, and in this circle, finding a person with whom you want to walk together into eternity is an achievable goal. It all depends on whether we can take a courageous step forward towards people, and perhaps more than one.
This is available to every person. The only thing you need to remember is that the results achieved may not be similar to how I imagine my future now. You need to be prepared for the unexpected.
In order to finally understand certain things, we sometimes need to hear it a hundred times and under different circumstances. The ten truths we'll talk about today relate to just such things. These are the kind of life lessons that many of us learned many years ago. Yet we are constantly reminded of them because we have never been able to learn them properly.
Friends, today I will try to help all of us, including myself, to realize and remember some things once and for all...
1. Life is quite short.
We know that life is short. We know that death, sooner or later, will come to our doorstep. And yet we seem to be climbing the stairs without thinking about anything. We all rise and rise and... suddenly we stumble and fall down.
We expected there to be another step at the top, but there wasn't one. We lose our balance, and it is at this brief moment that our attention switches to the present. We begin to realize what is happening and what the world around us is like.
Live your life today! Don't forget about death, but don't be afraid of it either. Be afraid that you won't live the life you could live. Why? Because you are too afraid to take action.
Death is not the main loss in this life. The main loss is everything that you allow to die while you are still alive. Go for it. Be brave. Take action even if you are scared to death.
2. You will only live the life you create.
Yes, others can convince you, but they cannot decide for you. Make sure that the road you choose is truly yours. Make sure it matches your desires and aspirations. When that moment comes, don't be afraid to change your path or start carving out a new path for yourself.
It's better to be at the bottom of the ladder you want to climb to the top of than to be at the top of the ladder that was never yours. Remember this.
Be productive and patient. Tolerance does not mean to wait. Being patient means working hard towards what you believe in while maintaining a positive attitude. This is your life. It consists entirely of your decisions. Don't just talk, but do it. Let your life be a clear example that you have achieved everything you said you would. May success still overtake you.
Even if you only learn one truth in life, let it be this: Taking risks to follow your heart is always worth it. Even if you have no idea where you will end up, be brave. Be brave enough to approach the frontier, beyond which the unknown awaits you. Listen to your heart.
3. Being busy doesn't always mean being productive.
Busyness is not a virtue. Busyness doesn't deserve respect. Yes, we all have crazy days. However, few of us can actually be busy all the time. Many people simply don’t know how to live within their means, set priorities, and say “No” when necessary.
Today, being busy doesn't always mean being productive. Just look around. There are many more busy people in the world than productive people. Busy people are always running somewhere and half the time they are always late. They run to work, to conferences, to meetings, to important events... They have almost no time to be with their family. They rarely get enough sleep. They receive new emails every minute and they have a lot of obligations that they must fulfill during the day.
Thanks to their busyness, they feel like super important people. But this is nothing more than an illusion. They are like hamsters that run on their own wheels all day.
Although busyness makes us feel alive, this feeling is fleeting. It disappears very quickly. One way or another, tomorrow, the day after tomorrow, or already on the verge of death, we realize something very important. Let's understand that we would like to spend less time being busy and more time living a life that has meaning.
4. Before achieving success, you always have to face failure.
In most cases, mistakes cannot be avoided. Learn to forgive yourself. Making mistakes is completely natural. Problems only arise if you don't learn from your mistakes.
If you have a very strong fear of failure, you simply won't be able to do what it takes to succeed. You need to come to terms with the fact that you cannot avoid failures along the way.
Do you know how a professional in his field differs from beginners? The professional has fallen many times. He tried and fell much more than a beginner. Every work of art is the result of many failed attempts to create it. The thing is that only the artist himself knows about these failures. We see only the work of art that he managed to create in the end.
What conclusion can be drawn? It's simple. If what you want does not happen now, this does not mean that it will never happen. For things to go right, sometimes it takes things to go wrong first.
5. Thinking and doing are two different things.
Success will not come to you on its own if you sit and only dream about it.
A person's actions speak about him, not his words. Knowledge that is not supported by action has no meaning. The beautiful and wonderful do not happen to those who only dream about it. It happens to those who work hard to achieve their goals.
Ask yourself what is really important to you, what you want in this life. Be brave enough to reshape your life according to your desires.
If you continue to live your life waiting for the moment when you are 100% ready, you will most likely spend your entire life waiting.
6. In order to forgive, it is not necessary to wait for someone to ask you for forgiveness.
When you learn to forgive without hearing someone ask you for forgiveness, your life will become much easier. The main thing is to be grateful for every experience that life gives you. It doesn't matter whether the experience is positive or negative.
It’s worth slowing down and saying: “Thank you life for this lesson.” You need to realize that clinging to past grievances means losing the opportunity to feel happiness today. Remembering old grievances is like putting thoughts in your head that you don’t need at all.
Forgiveness is a kind of promise. A promise you want to keep at all costs. When you forgive someone, you promise yourself that you will not use your past (which cannot be changed) against your present.
To forgive does not mean to justify a person for the wrongdoings he has committed. To forgive means to throw off the burden of resentment and no longer feel like a victim of the past.
7. Some people are just not right for you.
What you achieve in this life also depends on the kind of people you surround yourself with. That is why you need to be brave enough to cut off communication with everyone who is trying to drag you down. You should not try to maintain relationships with those next to whom you do not seem to be a wonderful person, capable of almost anything.
If you feel insecure and begin to doubt yourself, then this person definitely should not be part of your inner circle.
Do you feel like you can't be yourself? Do you feel emotionally drained every time after communication? Are you starting to feel anxious? All this is a reason to think about your social circle.
Listen to your intuition. You already have people who inspire, give energy and strength. That is why there is no point in trying to start relationships with those who simply are not suitable for you.
8. Loving you is not the job of others, it is your task.
Yes, it is important to treat the people around you with kindness and love. It is even more important to treat yourself with kindness and love. In order to achieve anything, you need to learn to love yourself.
Make sure you don't see yourself through the eyes of people who don't value you at all. No matter what they think of you, you must know your worth.
Get started today. Let someone love you for who you are. Let me love you with all your flaws. Let me love you no matter what. Let that “someone” be you.
9. Material possessions do not define you.
No matter how indignant women may now be that a man must take the initial steps, this rule does not always work at the right time. And if you are used to having crowds of fans following you all your life, you are probably spoiled by male attention. Like a child who is used to getting everything he points his finger at, you believe that all the men you like must be at your feet. Now imagine a situation where you liked a young man, and, apparently, he is also not indifferent to you, but for some reason he does not take any steps. Don’t you really want to achieve the desired “object”, because before this you were used to getting everything at once?
There are several options for who you are as a young man, with whom some kind of communication broke out, during which you notice a genuine interest in your person. You can be colleagues, cross paths at school or in a common company.
In each of the presented cases, there is one common pattern - you have mutual friends who can help a lot. Thanks to them, you can carefully find out if your object of desire has a partner or is in any relationship. If this information can be easily found out, then you will most likely have to find out the rest yourself, or in some cunning way so that no one suspects anything.
If your secret lover constantly pays attention to you, for example, being a colleague, often inviting you for coffee or helping you write hateful reports, he probably has at least sympathy for you. And if quite a long time has passed since the start of such communication, and you are already impatient to move to a new level of relationship, you should begin to act.
Find out if he has any hobbies, and after you find out this information, become more and more competent in this area, and then demonstrate your knowledge to him. He will not only be pleasantly surprised, but will begin to admire you and immediately begin a dialogue, because now you definitely have at least one common topic of conversation.
In order to stay more time together, ask him to help you. Of course, if you cross paths at work or study, it will be much easier to do this than if you are just friends with mutual acquaintances, but even here you can find a way out. Find out what exactly the guy is good at and ask him to teach you how to do it. Let's say he drives a car perfectly, and you are just a beginner in this business. Besides, you just got a car. Rest assured, the young man will respond to your call for help in any case. Moreover, there is no man who is poorly versed in automotive topics. Or, say, the same computer - even if it accidentally breaks down. Act, and then the cards will fall.
There is, of course, a more radical method. If you have your own car, but the young man you like does not have one, you can offer him the use of your services as a driver: for example, give him a ride home. Along the way, you will start a conversation, during which you will learn a lot about him and become clearly closer to each other. If you always go in one direction, you can give him a lift often, and little by little you will conquer this fortress.
A survey conducted by the University of California at San Francisco showed that 72% of guys wait for the first step in a relationship from a girl. During the same study, it turned out that only 25% of girls are ready to be the first to show their sympathy to a guy.
Nine out of ten girls I surveyed believe that a man should always make the first move. Nine boys surveyed - what's better when it's done by a woman. The tenth is ready to take the initiative, but is already busy. Simple mathematics shows that only one girl has a chance for a successful personal life, and only if she tries hard.
But what about the instinct of the hunter, courtship and gifts, serenades under the windows?
Step forward as a basic instinct
In nature, most often the male attracts the female, and not vice versa. All the bright feathers, scallops, colorful fins, horns, hooves and festive dances are aimed at seducing the shy and inconspicuous individual of the fairer sex. In modern human society, everything happens differently. Feathers, rhinestones, sparkles and other decorations are included in a woman's traditional outfit. This also includes makeup, hairstyles, manicures and pedicures, and - what's more - just the habit of regularly taking a shower and using deodorant. I'm not even talking about depilation - and please don't prove that you're doing it for yourself. I still won't believe it. What about push-up bras? Beauty injections? Hair extensions?
Men live shorter lives. They are mowed down by wars, bad habits and the resulting diseases. Those that remain retain their presentation for longer without putting much effort into it. By definition, they do not have cellulite, their body does not strive to accumulate fat in case of childbirth, wrinkles, like scars, are only painted.
In addition to the quantitative shortage, the issue of quality plays a role. A huge percentage of guys were raised by grandmothers and mothers, without paternal support and a strong belt. Such boys get used to being cared for and looked after, fed and clothed. In short, they generally don’t like to exert themselves too much.
On top of that, no matter how trite it may sound, men are simply afraid of us. Not because we are such stunning beauties, but because, God forbid, if we show your interest, we will immediately have to meet, introduce our parents, get married, buy a fur coat. And then explain that you just wanted - no, not casual sex, but, for example, just one non-binding date. Well, this initiative, it’s better to stay at home.
In the current conditions, girls have to work hard on themselves in order to win at least some guy. And act actively, because even Miss World with a Nobel Prize in mathematics and a black belt in the Kama Sutra can never be sure that she will not grow old in the company of twenty-five Siamese cats.
A step towards or initiative is punishable
One day my friend received an SMS from an employee with a very simple text: “I want you.” He thought she was joking. Or he's mocking. In a word, he ignored the message. At the next corporate party, she drank half a bottle of martini and attacked him in the toilet. He ran away, and then asked his superiors to transfer him to the other end of the open space under the pretext of poor lighting. In general, nothing worked out for them.
My friend once at a bar decided to write her phone number in lipstick on a napkin and give it to the guy she liked. The number was a success: he wrote her an SMS (he was embarrassed to call). They corresponded for a long time, until the friend herself insisted on meeting. The young man turned out to be incredibly indecisive and lacking initiative. And nothing worked out for them either.
Another friend fell deeply in love with a man who was older than her. He had a career and status in society, and she had absolutely nothing except a pretty appearance and innate, but not yet particularly realized talents. Then she began to methodically achieve him, but not with calls and notes, but through painstaking work on herself. She went to the gym every day, read non-fiction and took French lessons, and then when we met, she casually started talking about her favorite postmodern writers. Everything worked out for them. They dated for five years and then broke up... on her initiative. At some point, she realized that she had already outgrown it. Sometimes it happens.
How do men feel about women who make the first move?
“If the initiative comes from a woman, then a man does not value such a woman in the long term. In order to appreciate her, he must achieve her, feel like a hunter,” says my friend Nastya. The authors of the book “The Rules: How to Marry the Man of Your Dreams,” Ellen Fein and Sherry Schneider, agree with her. The main idea of the 1995 bestseller can be summarized in a simple thesis: a girl should be unapproachable. Like a princess sitting in an ivory tower, a true lady should tower proudly above her admirer and only occasionally give him a favorable glance, respond only to every fourth of his messages and not go to his home until he himself has visited her three times. audiences.
It smacks of crude calculation and manipulation. In general, at the top of the tower, they say, it is very boring and drafty. What if the prince finally comes and asks to lose his braid, but it has already turned grey? What if he doesn't even know that you're waiting for him?
Step towards - the main thing is to stop in time
But they say that it was thanks to “The Rules” that Blake Lively at one time attracted Leonardo DiCaprio (of course, her long legs and luxurious hair have nothing to do with it). Judging by the fact that Blake and Leo broke up after less than six months, this monumental work is not working well in the long run. But it also contains some sensible advice - for example, Ellen and Sherry do not recommend wasting your time on men who ignore you. Of course, you can’t order your heart.
Sometimes he doesn’t call, not because the phone is broken, the third world war broke out, or he was kidnapped by Somali pirates, but simply because he doesn’t want to. And, if you have already taken the first step, then you definitely shouldn’t waste your time on the second and tenth steps.
Since childhood, many of us have been taught that a woman is an easygoing, uninitiative creature and is always in “waiting mode”: when someone will meet her, when they will make a date, when they will kiss her for the first time and when they will propose marriage. Thank heavens, outdated prejudices have sunk into oblivion. Modern women have become wiser and cunningly use the entire arsenal of their charm to create favorable conditions for starting a relationship.
Psychologists' studies show that 2/3 of dating happens on the initiative of women, while men do not even suspect that they have fallen into a “trap”. A skilled temptress deftly uses non-verbal inviting signals: a slight smile, a pointed look, stroking her hair or intriguing clothes. The main key to success is the skill of seduction. But how can you force a man to take the first step if his skills have not been honed? Only practice will help you here! Well, a few tips from psychologists will tell you how to provoke your chosen one to turn from a shy quiet person into a decisive alpha male.
6 ways to get a man to take the first step towards you
Break stereotypes, use your natural feminine attractiveness, and then the proposed list of cunning female provocations will be replenished with your own methods that will force a man to take the first step. And no matter how much men convince us that it is they who make the choice, we know who actually chooses the “victim”!
