There is no easier way to be known among your acquaintances as frivolous and even a bitch than to start dating a married man. You turn into a homewrecker from whom your friends prudently hide their husbands, and who, at best, gets lectured, and at worst, gets their bones crushed behind her back. Dating a married man is a sin, and an unforgivable sin - that’s what they’re trying to convey to you. But is it?
It is so customary to blame a woman for treason, who allegedly stole a man, as if he were an ownerless goat left in a clearing. But if another woman could love him (so much so that she agreed to become his wife), what’s surprising is that another woman also likes this man. In the end, everyone has the right to fight for their own happiness, and the methods we choose remain only on our conscience.
Whether you date a married man is up to you. In addition to spoiling public opinion, you are risking your heart. Stories about how long men can feed their chosen ones with promises have already become the talk of the town. Love comes with respect, and therefore it is logical to assume that a loving man will try to ensure that his beloved does not date a married man, exposing himself to inevitable humiliation. Simply put, he will try to take responsibility without forcing you to hide.
But if this is not the first month you have been hearing that:
- The family is going through a difficult period right now (someone is sick, nervous breakdowns, hysterics, etc.), and only after overcoming difficulties will you finally be able to be together;
- The chosen one has not touched his wife for several months and, in general, they live like strangers.
... most likely, you will have to be content with the role of a mistress in the future. Why on earth would a man violate the idyll (and in his mind, the current situation looks exactly like this) in order to divide property and inevitably make enemies.
When you date a married man without competing for his heart, everything seems much easier. If not you, someone else will probably become his mistress. However, being in a sexual relationship with a free man is much calmer.
Where to meet a married man?
Rule one: never come to his house. Respect the other woman, she is not an enemy of the people just because she met your lover before.
If you have your own home and you are not afraid of talk from your neighbors, then you can bring a man to your place. However, it is better not to rush into your personal space. See how your relationship develops. To a greater extent, the concern about where to meet should lie with the man. Whether it's a hotel, an apartment with an hourly rate or a sauna - let him be the first to take the initiative. Using it, you can determine the degree of seriousness of your relationship.
Hello Father Oleg!
I would like to know how serious my sin is?
I live in a civil marriage with a married man named Evgeniy..
We love each other very much. We want to get married and get married. The first time he didn’t get married, and he wasn’t baptized at all, since everyone in his wife’s family is atheist, and besides, there are grandmothers who are into black magic.
When we began to live together, after a while we felt that something was wrong with us. We began to quarrel often, sleep poorly, and there was a feeling that someone was imposing bad thoughts. We suffered for a long time until we found out that we had been hexed (by his wife). We immediately went to church. I very often prayed to God to forgive her and forgive us, and allow us to be together. I suggested that Zhenya be baptized. He said that he had been thinking about this for a long time and that this was a very important step. I talked to him a lot about God, about faith, about the church, and one day he told me that he was ready for this and wanted to be baptized. He was baptized. We're doing well now.
After his divorce, we want to get married. This proposal came from him, he really wants it, and so do I, since I am a believer.
You may ask: why, if I am a believer, did I allow such a situation when a husband leaves his wife? I will answer that if I knew everything at that moment when I left my city and my loved ones to be with my loved one, I would never have done this. Zhenya knew that I was an honest person and therefore did not tell me the whole truth so that I would not leave him. I only knew that he was married, but has not lived with his wife for a long time and that she has her own established life. When I found out the truth it was already too late, I couldn’t go back, my love was already so strong that I forgave him, and at the same time took on the sin. Later, Zhenya realized that he had sinned by telling me a lie, but he explained this by saying that he was afraid of losing me. Now we go to church and atone for our sins, and ask God to allow us to be together. Despite all the circumstances, it seems to me that God is merciful to us. After all, starting a new life in a new city without money and without a roof over your head is very difficult. But gradually everything began to improve. We successfully found a job, rented an apartment, and now everything is going well. His relatives treat me very well, they understand Zhenya. Even his daughter fell in love with me, she enjoys visiting us and we all have a good time together. She is already dreaming that when she finishes school, she will come to live with us to study at the institute. Zhenya is very happy that he met me, he says that with me he wants to be better, cleaner, and wants to be closer to the church.
Father Oleg, please tell me if we get married in church, will our union be sinful? ?
God bless you! Olga.
Your letter is contradictory. It was I who highlighted some places in your letter in italics and bold. Just look at these places to see the answer. You yourself pose the question - how serious is your sin. There is no question in your mind that there is sin, because you feel it and admit it. Actually, it is this feeling of the severity of sin that makes you look for a way out and outside help. At the same time, out of passionate attachment to a sinner, you are trying in every possible way to justify yourself and convince yourself and me that, despite the sin, the Lord God is on your side and shows mercy to your “union.” All that remains, they say, is the external arrangement for God - to be baptized for the unbaptized (which has already been done), to atone for sin and to get married.
But if everything is so good with you, then why ask me (or anyone else)? Where does the awareness of sin and the feeling of guilt come from? After all, you yourself decided to sin and declared that you were taking the sin upon yourself. Now you bear it and its consequences (internal torment), with external well-being. Or maybe this “well-being” is only evidence that God has abandoned you for violating His commandments.
It’s not for us to judge Evgeniy’s wife. But the indisputable fact is that he has a marriage and the fruit of marriage is a daughter. You can, of course, get a divorce on paper, but this will not make your daughter disappear, as if she had never been before. You can make friends with your daughter, but this will not cover sin and God’s commandment that one who marries (or who has married) a divorced woman (for a divorced person) commits adultery cannot be abolished. And if you cannot unite with a divorced woman (and you are still only striving for this), then what can we say about an open union with a married man? Even the ancients could not have imagined such a thing! It's the same as burying a person alive in the ground!
So, you have not only sinned on both sides, but you also live in constant sin, trampling on the commandment of the Savior. That marriage was destroyed by betrayal, but this will not establish a new one, since it is based on sin, violation of the Lord’s commandment and lies. Apparently, Evgeniy’s wife is not at all happy that he left and began to live with his partner. She is an unbeliever and does not know the laws of Christ. But her messages, and perhaps her appeal for help to those skilled in magic in order to damage your “union,” speak of her extreme dissatisfaction and revenge for her husband’s theft. But you can’t steal not only from good and believing people, but from everyone without exception! Otherwise, what kind of believers are you?
How could you agree to have a relationship with a married man if you knew that he was married? Even if he deceived you about his wife, that she supposedly arranged her life and was happy, but you knew the main thing - he is married. Nevertheless, she took the sin on her soul. What kind of love and mortal sin can we talk about? Is it from God? No, no and NO! Such love is not from God, and it is not love, but a demonic passion that led to the loss of the fear of God.
Is it possible to pray for this sin and receive forgiveness from God? It is possible, but only with correction of what has been done and true repentance. The correction is that you need to separate once and for all and mourn your grave sins and crazy actions. It is impossible to build a godly marriage on lies and sin. The true Church cannot marry you, i.e. put a crown on adultery! Although today you can find in the apostate church structure a “priest” who will “marry” you for money, thereby aggravating your and his sin.
There was no need to rush into this union. It was necessary for Evgeniy to divorce his wife in advance on legal grounds for the Church (and to divorce a stubborn non-believer, and even more so an ally of dark forces, is quite acceptable according to Church norms). We had to not lie to God and each other, even out of false fear of losing. Now in reality you have lost each other forever. You can ignore my answer as not desired by you and continue to live together in “prosperity” and “love” and “happiness”. Only you will never become closer to God and the Church. God does not listen to your prayers and requests, for you cannot deceive Him or persuade Him to cancel the commandment for you. Upon death, you will face eternal torment, for adulterers will not inherit the Kingdom of God. And in this life, the sin you have sown will certainly make itself known.
I advise you to repent, improve and strive for eternity.
Is it a sin to be with a married man?
At that time, I broke up with my common-law husband, with whom we had lived for 8 years and with whom we still have friendly relations. We had a huge age difference and this prevented us from being together. I perceived him as a father, as an older brother, as a relative. But not as a husband. Now I probably regret our breakup - apparently, I was not yet mature for a higher relationship at that time. He always helped me in word and deed, protected me, did everything for me. But I was probably too selfish and didn’t notice much. Now, unfortunately, it’s too late - he has a different life, another woman, and I don’t dare disturb his peace and his happiness. It's too late and there's no going back.
And so I began to correspond with my first love, but at that time it was a purely friendly, friendly relationship, I did not hope for any continuation. This went on for 2 weeks and he suggested meeting. I knew that he got married a very long time ago under pressure from his mother, then everyone discussed it among our friends. And at the meeting, when I asked him about this, he said that everything was bad with them, there was no love, there were still no children and he was planning to break up with her.
And we started dating - we spent all weekends together, met several times a week. Then he went on vacation and invited me with him, but I refused because... I believed that it was impossible to start an intimate relationship so quickly, even though we were not 16 years old. He constantly wrote me letters, text messages, and called me. I didn’t think that I could be so greedy for all these romantic things.
I fell in love. And 2 months after we had already started a closer relationship, and he made no attempts to separate from his wife, I felt something and an insight came to me, sometimes I have a strong intuition. I challenged him to a serious conversation, and pointing my finger at the sky, asked if his wife was pregnant. He was stunned, but the answer was positive. I was shocked and decided to end all relationships. But he begged, cried, wrote long letters - what should he do now? After all, his wife deceived him and said that she was taking birth control pills. But he cannot leave her in this position, because... he is too decent and noble. Now I understand that there was nonsense and lies from beginning to end. I won’t go into details, but our relationship continued - we went on vacation together, spent the whole weekend, constantly called and texted each other throughout the day. I got sick of it and became addicted. Then he said that he would create all the conditions for his newly born daughter and wife and cut this Gordian knot. He bought an apartment not far from my house. We made repairs together and made plans for the future. He constantly hypnotized me with words about how he wants more children, how he wants love and an ideal family, how he sees me “with a belly” and what our future son will look like.
Almost 2 years have passed since our meeting, and nothing has changed dramatically. He lives either at home, sometimes with his parents, or in a new apartment. His wife is either satisfied with this state of affairs, or is indifferent to her, but it is not clear why she did not react to his constant absence for days, nights and all weekends. Having taken a step forward, he immediately took 2 steps back.
I was no longer aware of the reality that existed around me, difficulties began at work, I began to communicate less with friends and family. I started taking sedatives, and I started having constant breakdowns. I told him that he needs to return to his family, since he still can’t decide, it means that he still needs to live there and take care of the child. But it seemed like he didn’t need anyone - not the child, not the wife, not me. When the child got very sick and his wife “called” him out of town on the weekend, he began to grumble that his leisure time had been ruined and was still wondering whether to go or not. I sent him home unconditionally then.
Over the past three months, I constantly tried to push him away from me, not to communicate, but he appeared and everything started all over again.
I tried to meet someone, but no man was interested in me and I couldn’t start a relationship. I lived in “unreality”, in dreams that he constantly drew for me and as if he himself believed in it. And he said that it’s just another week, another week. Once the renovations are finished, the furniture will be bought and we will live together. But nothing happened. Everything remains as it was. We just started coming to this apartment periodically on weekends. And still swear, constantly swear.
Today I said that that’s it, we need to put an end to it and that he should be where he should be. But, as usual, he dodged responsibility and replied that if I decided so, it does not mean that there is no love, and that he will sort everything out and call me after some time (but he will not promise exactly how long, I still I still don’t believe) that we would start another relationship.
I don’t know what to do—it’s a limbo situation again. I hate myself for allowing all this, for causing so much pain to his wife and child, for torturing myself so much. I want to move around the apartment like a wounded animal, I can’t find a place for myself. I have terrible dreams and wake up crying. Lord, how I want him to leave me alone, so that he can return to his family and never see him again. But subconsciously I still expect a call from him. He is very cunning, secretive, insidious, slippery.
In the last year, I even began to have thoughts that I don’t want to live, I want to fall asleep and not wake up, so that my soul would not be tormented by this duality. But I am stopped by common sense and thoughts of how painful it will be for my parents, my beloved brother and close people who support and love me.
I know that this is weakness and selfish indulgence. Another terrible remorse for what I did with my life and the lives of other people. How could this happen? I do not know what to do. I take sleeping pills, they dull my senses, I want to go to work, I communicate. But I still only think about him. Lord, when will this all end, and how can I find the strength to survive all this? I want to lie down and die. I don't know what to do next in my life.
Sveta, age: 30 / 09.14.2009
Homeless from Rublyovka:), age: 26 / 09.15.2009
Svetlanka, our light, do not despair!
What you told is a standard story. This “yours or someone else’s” man is irresponsible. He still wants romance, freedom. Why such people get married is unclear. He cannot create happiness even if he leaves his wife and child. He can promise you a bunch of all the good and wonderful things for your future, but... he is not the same. Sorry!
Don’t drive yourself into illness because of him, but come up, get sober, and you’ll meet your other half. Now it may be painful for you to listen to this, but for sure you need to leave him. Remember, you can’t build happiness on someone else’s misfortune.
Svetlanushka, we all support you!
You will please God if you leave the prodigal man.
Get well from all of this!
AE, age: 47 / 09/15/2009
Any despair is from the devil. Repentance is a good feeling. But the devil drives us into despair. Now the most terrible sin is despair. Why? Because despair leads to darkness and does not allow you to move on. So despair is hurting you now. and everything that harms us is called sin. In this way, the dark force manipulates you, adding more dark dreams, heaviness in your heart and sprinkling everything with the desire to “feel nothing.” So, the devil makes you want to “lie down and do nothing, end your life.” . And then he will achieve his goal. And you yourself know perfectly well that the devil is doing this, your soul feels it. You write: “he is very cunning, secretive, insidious, slippery.” Quite right, this is the man who manipulates both your completely confused lover and you. He is gradually and consistently leading both of you to death.
What to do in this situation?
You need to remember that there is a way to get rid of your torment of conscience, which is the most important thing for you now. namely, you need to confess and receive communion in an Orthodox church. For example, I managed to get rid of health problems and psychological problems in this way. Now I take communion and confess every three weeks. And in the beginning, when I was still in a critical situation, I went to confession and received communion every two weeks. I. my health has been restored without any medications, my heart is easy, and if sometimes I feel that my heart is somehow squeezing, then for me this is an emergency and not a constant feeling. In addition, you need to distract your brain from constant worries, and for this you need to occupy your brain with something, for example, looking for a new job.
And give the lover a turn away. There is no point in getting involved with him if this “very cunning, secretive, insidious, slippery” devil acts on you through him.
Gelchik, age: 18/09/16/2009
Dear namesake! Please don't despair!
Well, think about what happened.
You're alive right? Are you physically healthy? Do you have parents and a brother? And other people who support and love? Listen, but this is already a great happiness. And this is a man. leave him, forget - he has his own life, you need to understand this. And you also have the right to yours. I understand that it is difficult, impossible, I know what dependence on a person is. Very painful! But it passes, believe me, this too passes! And you stay. And you still have ONE life. YOURS, understand? Take care of her, please. And say thank you to him, personally or mentally, thank him sincerely for all the good things - and say goodbye. And then start another life - and it will definitely be no worse than that one. And even better. Good luck and happiness to you!
Steffi, age: 35 / 09/18/2009
Try to take control of the situation. Ban your meetings and calls for at least 6 months. See what happens then. In my opinion, this is the only way to sort out your relationship and do you need a person who is not allowed?
N.I. , age: 52 / 09.19.2009
Nadezhda, age: 41 / 12/29/2013
Hello, I went through exactly the same story, there is only a difference in some little things, but the essence is the same, I prayed and prayed that God would help me forget him, finally nothing “fucks” when I see him, thank God, but I I also have a daughter from my first marriage, I didn’t need her at that moment, i.e. I stopped being interested in her affairs, like I remember a bad dream, pray too, God sees everything and will definitely help!
Is love with a married man a big sin?
do you think loving is a sin? What if he is married? He loves too. We want to be together. I understand that this is cruel. But you can’t hide love, and a wife is already the past. The only people I feel sorry for are the children. We need your advice.
I couldn’t just leave quietly and calmly
but he didn’t bring me back, just give him a choice, because he decides for himself.
another one. his wife will be “past” when he divorces her. not a minute earlier))
“The only people I feel sorry for are the children,” what hypocrisy.
Isn’t it easier to find a single person?
Such a love happened to me. 4 years of torment. In the end, our love won, and now we are together. It's up to you to decide what you want. Are you ready to endure the double life of your loved one until he decides to leave for you, and will he leave? You won't find the answer here!
6, why is it easy?? Look around - all the decent ones have been married for a long time and deeply
another fool. Yes, yes, love, don’t even doubt it. That’s why he lives with his wife and fucks you at the same time. Love love, so big and bright. Was he the one who said that his wife is a thing of the past? they all say that, don’t even doubt it, you need to fuck your brain with something else so that it continues to give
5- Guest, I just love him. It’s not my fault that he is not single, but married.
He will return to his wife when everything burns out between you and him - that’s for sure, especially if he is over forty! Sexologists claim that only two (!) percent of men stay with their mistress and marry her, i.e. leaving the family forever
11 - what a sad statistic! I mean, it would be better if it was zero percent. After all, if a man once married the one who is now called his wife, then that means he loved her then. And if now he loves you, then where is the guarantee that you are just another in a long chain and that a new love will follow. Once a person is like that, you can’t change him. Some just hang out, and some build serious relationships with everyone.
10 - well, don’t justify yourself like that! There is, of course, your fault - in irresponsibility for YOUR life. It is you who choose a man who is safe for yourself, with whom it is impossible to be together. Free men are dangerous for you, you have a chance to be together with them, you don’t work with your own internal problems, but try to “leave” everything to fate.
I feel sorry for the children, because they need a father, and if we are together, naturally we will have our own children. And “those” children will remain in the past. Is this a sin? And the wife, as he says: “waste material.”
Eh, girls! Any evil comes back! Unearthly love did not arise at first sight, you allowed it to develop, allowed it, and some provoked it! They feel sorry for the children now - who are you lying to? Weren't you sorry from the very beginning? And I don’t like or respect such men, “taken away” - they think with nothing but their balls.
It won't be long before you become his past.
Of course, I would like to believe in miracles. But this is clearly a very trivial case. And if you have a chance, author, then only someday become the same waste material.
Fuck, what a nice guy, he talks about his wife as “waste material”, well, well. I wish you could get it soon.
“waste material” is about the woman who gave birth to his children and with whom he lives, sleeps with, eats food prepared by her, puts on washed and ironed shirts with her. Ugh! Well, you know. If you want such “happiness” for yourself, take it, you don’t deserve anything else! Similar to similar.
Ugh, how long can you listen to these heart-warming love stories.
Guest - 6, did your loved one have children? How did you resolve this issue?
If you love both, then you need to be together, don’t forget the children, provide financially, and don’t torture your wife, and let her go while she’s young and can arrange her life.
take this nasty thing away from your wife! waste material. ugh, abomination!
We dated for 4 years. Now we live together. But how much effort and mental anguish was spent! How many tears have been shed! You wouldn't wish it on your enemy! Think carefully. Can you stand it?
8, everything is correct
waste material, completed stage, what? well, love has passed, maybe it’s already sickening to stand next to you?, you might think that you can force yourself to love..
in a global sense, it’s not a sin, of course, because it’s a sin when a husband and wife are married, and the registration in the registry office according to God’s laws means nothing, decide for yourself what to do in this situation, I think your man is a goat, since he says such things about his wife.
In principle (24 -Guest) the wife is no longer young - (40 YEARS OLD) I also feel a little sorry for her.
25 is also correct. To be honest, I would be afraid to build a life with a man who calls his wife (not his ex, but his present one) waste material - after all, they will talk about you like that in a few years
30, 40 years old is young, at this age people get married and give birth to their first children. How old are you and the children?
Author, what do you think about this statement of his about waste material? You know, at first I thought that there were exceptions: suddenly he really loves me. And after this phrase it became a little scary. How can you call a woman with whom you lived together for several years, with whom you are married, who gave birth to 2 children, waste material? Let's say he doesn't love her, and also that he sleeps with her in different beds (unlikely, of course, but there are exceptions). But no one has abolished such a concept as basic respect for a person. I have no words. Take him away from his wife quickly (maybe it will work out). I feel sorry for the woman: she got it.
Girls, thanks for the answers, on the topic.
From the point of view of the Christian religion, adultery is a sin. Sexual relations outside of marriage are considered adultery.
As for waste material, this is an indicator of consumer attitudes towards women. This means that he will “work out” the other woman in the same way and throw her away due to wear and tear. ***** man.
Lord, people get divorced, get married, 10 times, this is life.
On the other hand, if there is no love in the family, why torture both yourself and your wife.
Everyone has the right to HAPPINESS.
My lover left me after 2.5 months of our relationship. If the relationship is more than a year, it will take too much effort to leave/leave, and you also need it, if he thinks for so long, then his love for you is not so bright. Moreover, he says such nasty things about his wife. My husband, when he was still my lover, only allowed the most unpleasant things about his wife about her: “we are different people, it’s not very easy for us to be together.”
if his wife is “wasted material,” then you, the author, are “unfinished material.” material.
Of course, I think this is a sin. That’s why we need your advice. Loving a married man is scary.
there was a daughter there. I finished school, went to college in another city, and now we support her monthly with a certain amount.
40 years is certainly not youth, but it is far from old. The point is not at all about the wife, who is “past”, but about the man’s weak penis, which only stands on his young body. And I’m sure that it doesn’t matter, the Author just doesn’t understand it yet.
38 the “Mistress” project is in development - a guy has a technical background, everything is simple and clear..
Motorist, well, love is actually possible.
It’s simple, author: you strictly set the condition “first the divorce - then our relationship” and then everything becomes clear (to what extent the wife is “in the past” and “waste material” and to what extent he has unearthly love for you). If he really loves you, he will divorce you without any excuses, but if you are just a “vapor pod” for him, there will be a lot of “BUTs” and divorce will immediately become almost impossible :)
Good luck and I wish you not to be disappointed in your “macho man”))))
Lenok "Lord, people get divorced, get married, 10 times, this is life."
Normal people don't change their wives 10 times. It’s expensive, and most often it’s a waste of money.
Shanti, I don’t believe in the ability of love of a man who calls a woman with whom he has two children (of his own free will) a work-off. There is obvious cynicism. Cynics do not know how to love anyone (except themselves).
guest-44, thank you for the advice.
Yes Lenok. everyone has the right to happiness. especially for children who are about to be abandoned.
And besides the right to happiness, there is a sense of duty.
For the author. A man over 40+ is in the midst of a midlife crisis. The man is rushing about in mental turmoil, a personal crisis. In such a state, picking up and taking her away from her lawful wife is a piece of cake. There's just one problem. Usually, after walking for a couple of years on free bread with a young new love, a man knocks back: they say he was wrong, gray hair in the beard - devil in the rib, they say, forgive the fool, we have children and in general have been together all our lives. Why does it come back? (exactly for 40)
1) the young lady in the bed feels very good at first, but the first frenzy passes. she gets a little bored and starts to strain herself. Unlike her age-mate, her wife, you won’t complain about sciatica or that your pancreas is acting up today
2) with a young lady you have to start everything over again in material terms, but with an old wife there is an established way of life, the house is a full cup. Again, the children are grown up. and with a young woman, diapers are looming ahead again...
3) well, children. While sperm toxicosis was putting pressure on my eyes and the romance was in its brightest phase, I didn’t give a damn about it, and then I got fucked and started tossing and turning at night, how are the children??
In short, it's inconvenient. I feel uncomfortable and my favorite borscht is missing.
In addition, the expediency of removing this particular frame is questionable. The phrase about “wasted material” very much characterizes the personality of this person. Especially considering that he is discussing this issue with you in such words. Indecent.
In addition, there is a nuance. All married people dating their mistresses sing the same songs: 1) she doesn’t understand me. 2) I live with her for the sake of the children 3) I don’t sleep with her (yeah, and if then it suddenly turns out that during your affair your wife somehow miraculously became pregnant or gave birth, it was she who vilely got her drunk and raped her)
You yourself have heard about this more than once or twice. But EVERYONE is strange. The lover of a married goat is absolutely sure that this is about someone. but her case is special. They only come to their senses after losing a couple of years of youth.
If you want to take a risk, go ahead. Maybe you'll take me away. This is unlikely to bring you happiness, but what if you have a truly unique case of true love?
Taking a man away from the family is generally a sin, but a tolerable one. But father from children is a great sin. It’s a sin to offend children
His son is 16 years old and his daughter is 5 years old. I am 23 years old. He says that he has never experienced such vivid feelings and emotions before. For the first time in his life, he experiences such serious feelings.
Am I committing a sin by dating a married man whom I love dearly?
Peace to you, Tatyana!
Yes you do. In order to understand what is happening and why this is a clear sin, put yourself in the place of his wife. Those. if you were this man's wife, and he started dating a woman who loves him. How would you feel? Especially considering that when you got married, you counted on his loyalty, on family happiness, on the desire to jointly overcome the difficulties that inevitably occur in family life. And he suddenly went to another.
Answering your question, I myself for a moment imagined that now some woman, or even several women, would suddenly fall in love with my husband. Why not? He is a man with a lot of merits, smart, kind, and very pleasant in appearance. I can imagine that among the millions of women who exist in our country, there may be hundreds who can sincerely love him. So I imagined it... and I felt very uneasy, to be honest: VERY uneasy.
Just don’t be disingenuous to yourself, dear Tatyana. Try your best to be honest. With your lust you are destroying the lives of two people, and if they have children, then more people.
Why do I call your feeling lust and not love? Because what you are doing does not fit into the definition of love given in the Bible (1 Cor. 13:5-6). True love does not go wild, but you pull the blanket of someone else’s family life onto yourself, destroying what was created before you and was never yours. True love does not seek its own, and you only think about being happy, so that you too can snatch joy. True love does not rejoice at injustice, and you create injustice in relation to both that woman (you offend her) and to her husband (you please him, although he is, in fact, a traitor and an unworthy person).
What you are talking about is a normal phenomenon for the pagan, perishing world. If you call yourself a Christian, i.e. disciple of Jesus Christ, you will need to carefully and prayerfully consider what the Bible says to your family.
Matthew 19:5-6 “And he said, For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh, so that they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore, what God has joined together, let no man separate.”
Matthew 18:7 “Woe to the world because of temptations, for temptations must come; but woe to the man through whom temptation comes.”
1 Corinthians 6:18 “Flee fornication; Every sin that a person commits is outside the body, but the fornicator sins against his own body.”
May GOD help you to start thinking righteously,
Communication: 5 reasons not to date a married man
We all make mistakes often. Sometimes it seems to us that love will overcome all obstacles, so we have to get involved in it up to our ears, and then at least the grass won’t grow. Therefore, an affair with a married man is a fairly common occurrence in the lives of women. But, by and large, this is a hopeless adventure with a 99% failure rate. Why is it better to run away from busy men and preferably right away?
Almost every “married man” will tell you heartbreaking stories about his wife, who is sick with an incurable disease that he cannot leave, about “the youngest will grow up - and we, my love, will be together,” about “don’t worry, we’ve been sleeping with her for 20 years now.” different rooms” and so on.
All this is lies and “noodles on the ears.” Because if a man wants to leave for another woman, he takes it and leaves, no matter what. Because he understands that living with a woman whom he does not love and cheats on her is 100 times worse than leaving her and giving her a chance to meet a normal loving man.
But sitting on two chairs is quite a profitable activity - here it’s borscht, and here it’s sex and fun, why not? In addition, you react to him so joyfully, thereby increasing his self-esteem, because at home there is only the same borscht and boredom.
Of course, there are situations when women lack conscience. Then you can skip this point. But in most cases it still exists and often reminds us of itself through remorse. Therefore, having sex with a married man, you will, one way or another, be ashamed, and every time you will come up with a million excuses for what you did, that “it’s love!”, or “it’s just sex,” or “it’s his fault, I have nothing to do with it.” Self-deception of this kind may work several times, but as the situation drags on, the anvil of shame will become heavier and heavier. That is, your relationship and “great love” will bring more discomfort than joy. Something's not right here, don't you think?
If you are still not married, but really want to get there, then you should not waste time on men who are already “there”. You will waste a lot of time, emotions, health, youth and beauty on a completely unpromising story, while a man, in general, will not lose anything, but will only gain, by the way, at your expense. This one-sided game will end in your own defeat, and you are unlikely to receive a prize in the form of a wedding ring and an oath at the altar. When you finally realize that there is nothing left to catch here, it may be too late. Much has been missed, the rating has fallen, and vitality has diminished. And the right ring finger is still ring finger.
A man who is busy with another woman will not be able to spend the whole weekend with you, spend the night next to you every night, and also go on vacation to the ocean, because there is only one vacation and two children. Calls, SMS and other communications will occur only when it is convenient for him. The rest of the time, you are unlikely to have the opportunity to freely call him at 3 in the morning with an offer to watch the sunrise on the embankment, and he is unlikely to have the opportunity to keep you company. And such inconsistencies will concern everything: in order to avoid publicity and “protecting his wife” from unnecessary information, he will not introduce you to friends, family, take you with him to his company’s events, and so on. Therefore, most of the time you spend without it, you will be in a constant state of anticipation.
Admit it, would you like your husband to cheat on you? I think no. But, you know about the boomerang law - what we do comes back to us. All the pain, resentment, and suffering that we cause to others will return sooner or later, and most often in a worse form. In this regard, by becoming a mistress, you project into the future that the same situation is quite possible with you, only there you will already be a wife. The simple rule of life “don’t do what you don’t want to happen to you” works unquestionably. And if you may be lucky once or twice because of your youth, then you should not delude yourself, because this will not always be the case. And the boomerang will return.
Do not hesitate to find out the man’s marital status during the first dates. Of course, no one is stopping him from lying, but usually, if you ask a question at the most inopportune moment and directly, then the lie will be noticeable by the reaction. This way you will get the exact answer - is it worth continuing the relationship with this wonderful single man or ending it without starting, so as not to suffer for a much longer period.
Married man: love or forget
Judging the mistress of a married man is easy, pleasant, and sometimes even good for self-esteem. She did not follow her still young husband to military camps, did not darn his socks when he was a low-level manager, and did not bring him lunches to the library, where he wrote his first dissertation. The mistress of a married man brazenly came with everything ready and took away by the leash what had been fed, raised and suffered through years of incredible work of his legal wife. Or she tried to take her away, for which she is still worthy of censure and a series of curses.
Or maybe it’s sympathy? After all, it is not to a married man’s mistress that they return every evening, it is not with her that they share the most important and insignificant news first, and it is not with her that they rejoice in the successes of their children. At least once in her life, any woman has found herself in the situation “I love a married man,” but if not, then she will most likely have to do it. Because fate is unlikely to spare any effort on its favorite trick called “don’t swear.” And when the trick is successful, the question is how to behave with a married man? - doesn’t seem so simple anymore.
Scenario one: seeing the ring, urgently evacuate through the emergency exit
Moral damage: minor, one-sided and temporary.
What to do: Don't let the relationship develop into something more than just friends. Oh, how many of them there are, unfortunate lovers who once naively decided that light flirting or non-binding sex with a strange man does not threaten complications.
“I never thought that I would be a lover. I didn’t condemn it, no, but I didn’t see the point in it either,” says Anna, 23 years old. - Then I accidentally met Sergei and started communicating with him, knowing that he was married. I decided that I would just have a little fun, that’s all. He ended up becoming my first true love. Of course, I promised myself not to demand anything and not to trust him. But how can you not trust when you love? You justify everything, you forgive everything.”
To avoid excruciating pain later, it is better to immediately mentally label a married man as “outside the game.” There are women in Russian villages who seem to have been born with a happy blindness to looped individuals. For them, a “married man” is the same as a child, woman or old man who is not a potential sexual partner. Yes, if relationships could be painlessly interrupted with just an effort of thought, there would be no broken families and single women. But you can’t order your heart, so it’s better to keep your hands away from sin: you shouldn’t allow anyone to touch you, you shouldn’t touch a man yourself, and no kisses! Not to mention more. Out of sight, out of mind; drive thoughts about a man out of your head. Then the heart will be unaffected, and everything will be cut down at the root.
Scenario two: pull the stop valve on a relationship that has already begun
Moral damage: significant, but one-sided and temporary.
What to do: Convince yourself that relationships, although they bring joy, lead nowhere. According to experienced or even more likely “professional” mistresses (yes, there are such), three months is a sufficient period of time to not yet get used to dependence on a married man, but at the same time to understand whether he is ready to separate from his wife for the sake of another woman .
“When entering into a relationship with a married man, a woman does not always understand that “I love” is the main and only word that needs to be expected,” notes Natalya Tolstaya, a psychologist with experience in relationship issues. “Because a man doesn’t necessarily date a woman to make her happy or stay with her forever.”
The words of the specialist are confirmed by the culprits of the love affairs themselves, in the person of 35-year-old Vadim: “I am absolutely convinced that a man, within a minute after meeting, knows exactly what importance this or that woman will have in his life, whether she will become his wife or remain nothing.” . And a mistress will never take the place of a wife. These women are too different for us, and we see no point in swapping them.”
Being an eternal lover is a much more difficult fate than gathering the strength to break off a meaningless relationship. True, you will also have to compete with a man who may not want to give up a pleasant life bonus. “After six months of a relationship with a married colleague, I decided to call it a day,” recalls Irina, 26 years old. “He started stalking me in the office, calling me after work, coming at night just to “look at me.” Ruined my new relationship. Finally, one day he told me that he had left me a “gift.” I got tested and found hepatitis.” Incredible, but true: this scoundrel is not a figment of the imagination of the author of this article, but a real specimen. “How scary it is to live!” - Alexander Kuprin would say. By the way, he left his family for his mistress.
Scenario three: enter the battle for your happiness
Moral damage: significant, comprehensive, but temporary.
What to do: believe with all your heart a man’s skillful tales about a terrible shrew-wife who snatches away from the world, doesn’t allow him near his body, turns the children against their father, and doesn’t give a divorce. Forget that all of this is most likely a blatant lie. Take pity on the unfortunate person and begin to fight for his (and your) happiness with your own hands. Psychologists reluctantly recommend in such situations to create an atmosphere of coziness and comfort around a man, making his home a quiet haven where he will want to return again and again. Experienced lovers advise not to ask a man for anything, to accept any opportunity to go somewhere together or an insignificant gift, even just a chocolate bar, with delight and outpouring in the spirit of “you are my hero!” Never talk about your wife, so as not to associate yourself with her in the mind of a man, and certainly never force a man to make comparisons with her. Become the best and most passionate sexual partner. It's perfect to play the role of a stupid girl in love. Finally, break up, informing the man that he is expected with his things within a month, but otherwise they are not expected at all. Give your address and completely disappear for this time. At the same time, be sure all the way that if a man really leaves his family, it will be the happiness of his entire life for his mistress.
“I didn’t really need any of my married partners,” admits Elya, 28 years old. - As soon as each of them showed up on my doorstep with a suitcase, I made big eyes and said: “Sorry, I was wrong!” It wasn’t love, maybe we can remain friends?” And they left looking like a beaten dog, although they flew in like eagles. I believe that married men are initially second class for a free girl, and they cannot be taken seriously. At best, a married man will be taken away, used and thrown away as an unnecessary thing. Because who wants a liar who can’t be in an honest relationship?”
Scenario four: learn to live as a mistress
Moral damage: significant, one-sided and permanent.
What to do: realize that a man leaving the family is an exception to the rule, and come to terms with the fact that the relationship with him has no future. “Weddings of lovers are very rare. But those who did live to see them compare such a marriage to the morning after defending a dissertation, which they wrote with difficulty for many years, says psychologist Natalya Tolstaya. “In most cases, the mistress remains a “secret joy”, playing second fiddle to his wife, children and work.” To make the burden of an eternal mistress lighter, a married man cannot be turned into the only outlet in life. Career, other men, friends and your own freedom should always remain in first place. At the same time, the mistress should learn to maintain independence and not let a man enter the door if something in his behavior does not suit him. The ideal woman (after the wife, of course) is a muse who never spoils the mood and lives so captivatingly that she infects with her energy. This is the only way a relationship with a married man can bring joy, in addition to constant pain.
Svetlana, 35 years old: “I am the mistress of a married man. I really love him. And it doesn’t bother me at all that he has a wife and children, because I don’t want to get married. I've been there before and didn't like it. And I have children too. I don’t want to understand his relationship with his wife: let her leave if she doesn’t like something. How I once left my ex-husband after learning about his infidelities. Now I live wonderfully - no everyday life, only joy: varied sex, restaurants and my favorite job, where we are colleagues in equal positions.” Commendable, albeit unenviable.
If the relationship does not bring joy and has become more like a severe psychological dependence, amputation is inevitable. And better sooner than later. In other cases, the truth is true: a mistress has the same right as a wife to love the chosen man.
Number of entries: 131
Hello. I am 30 years old, I haven’t had a serious relationship with men for a long time. I dated a married man for 2.5 years and was deeply in love with him. When we ended our relationship a year later, I called him and we met. It turned out that he got divorced because his wife fell in love with another man and left him. It was clear that he was worried about this, but for me it was joy and an opportunity to continue the relationship without remorse and suffering. I can see from all his actions that he doesn’t love me, and he told me about it. I still have feelings for him, I can’t build relationships or date anyone except him. But he makes it clear that he does not need this relationship. I also saw his correspondence with other women, where he flirts with them. And he wrote to one that he loved his wife. It hurts that when we first met with him, he spoke words of love to me and returned me when I left. It turns out that I was deceived and contributed to the destruction of the family. And now I'm alone. I don’t want to waste my time on frivolous relationships, I want to meet my own person, whom I can trust and with whom I can build a family. A family without false prosperity, deception and betrayal. We work together with this man and sometimes meet. It happens that he pays attention to other women in front of me, it all hurts so much. But I forgive him everything because I love him. How should I deal with this situation?
Julia
You can't expect any good from your feelings for this person. Sorry, you invented these feelings... They simply serve as compensation for normal relationships. We must begin with confession in our “liberation” from this passion. The longer you get stuck in it, the more difficult it will be to count on future family well-being.
Archpriest Maxim Khizhiy
Hello. What should I do? It seemed like we were dating a girl, everything was fine. On the last day when we saw each other, it was also joyful and good. But after a couple of days she writes: “Maybe we should break up?” The only reason she gave was this: I supposedly am a very good person, that the one with whom I will be in the future will be lucky, that she is thinking of breaking up due to the lack of so-called “chemistry.” Well, I hope you understand what “chemistry” is in a relationship. For me, this “chemistry” should appear later, along with love. She is religious, a believer. Modest. I didn't put pressure on her, didn't rush her. I was even at her house, putting together a closet, watching a movie, drinking tea. I like her in everything, I feel that she is not completely indifferent either. How can I explain to her? But without humiliating myself, because... she values masculine character.
Novel
Roman, are you a believer yourself? Are you able to pray for her? Wait a couple of months, and then try to resume communication, but without sins! Everything will become clear about “chemistry”. By the way, I also don’t understand what she wants to say.
Archpriest Maxim Khizhiy
Hello, father! A guy, he’s 28 years old, proposes marriage to me, he says he loves me, but for some reason I don’t feel it, although he treats me very well. I myself treat him equally, I have no feelings for him, I don’t feel happy next to him. We've known each other for a year, but there was no intimacy. There is a fear of loneliness, but you don’t want to live your whole life with an unloved person. Please tell me what to base your choice of a spouse on? What is the right thing to do?
Elena
Elena, the most erroneous approach is getting married out of fear of loneliness. And even at 24 years old! Why do you need such a “tit in hand”? To understand in a year that loneliness is beautiful, as the famous bard Alexander Dolsky sang? Get married when you understand that you love and are loved. But by the way, remember that love is evil... Try to soberly evaluate your chosen one. It’s a good idea to show it to your parents and friends and listen to their opinions. But it’s up to you to decide! Pray!
Archpriest Maxim Khizhiy
Bless me, father. I do not know what to do. I fell in love with the man and waited for him for about 5 years, but never received a proposal. And now the heart sometimes remembers him. But you probably need to live on, loneliness and the inability to give care to your loved one still turns your days into suffering, no matter how busy you are with work, courses and other things. A young man appeared, we communicate, but somehow our hearts do not lie. And fear for the future, I can’t rely on him as a man ripe for marriage. He recently returned from the army, 24 years old, rents a house, has a job (icon painter) just to survive on his own. I see all this because I’m not in love. But I don’t know what to do, the person himself seems to be good, Orthodox, however, sometimes rude words slip through to other people who do not act very well. This is alarming. But you can’t start a family for the sake of a family? Without love, or will it come? Maybe this acquaintance was sent by God? And do you need to reconcile? But only more often do I remember the person I was waiting for, and involuntarily compare, even though a year has passed since the last meeting and parting. What should I do? I’ve been struggling for five years now, and I can’t find any way out. I pray, I go to church. Who else should I pray to? What to do?
Ksenia
Ksenia, dear! Why are you so depressed! You are still very young to treat your life this way. You shouldn’t marry a proto “good” person. You need to create a family with a loved one, someone close to you, who will also be your friend. Of course, there are no people without shortcomings. You ask the question: “Or maybe he was sent by God?” And I would ask you: “Would you like him to become the father of your children?” If the answer to this question is negative, then there is no point in discussing this topic even further.
Archpriest Maxim Khizhiy
Hello! I fell in love, I don’t know if it’s for real or not, what should I do?
Vadim
Dear Vadim, let time test your feelings. If before adulthood your crush turns into love, then this is a high feeling, but if not, then you shouldn’t dwell on it.
Archpriest Andrey Efanov
Good afternoon Father, what should I do if my young man, with whom we are going to get married, went to the elder (when we were friends and did not talk about the wedding, there was such a moment that the guy thought that I had cooled off towards him, but I had a session, experiences, I didn’t spend much time with him) and asked about us, the elder said that we were not a couple and were completely different. I try to forget it, but sometimes the words begin to emerge in my memory, which makes my soul feel unpleasant. We mutually decided to continue dating. I am from a wealthy family, he is not, but he is hardworking, I am a more church-going person, he is just a beginner, and I have a desire to be a believer, which supports me in this. I respect and love him, and his love is even greater. Parents on both sides are happy for us. Should we pay attention to the elder’s words?
Natalia
Hello, Natalia. True elders never interfere in the personal lives of those who turn to them for advice. But the false elders do this with great pleasure. You need to stay away from this person and warn your friends against contacting him.
Priest Alexander Beloslyudov
Hello. I want to ask you how to react correctly to unrequited love? Or rather, I didn’t say anything to that person and would never do it. I read that true love is always mutual. I tried to get rid of falling in love, considering it a devilish temptation. But I’m not good at it, and after a while everything comes back. On the other hand, if you do not hope that love can become mutual, this can be considered a lack of faith, because with God everything is possible. As the Gospel says, ask and it will be given to you. So what is more correct: to ask God for that person to reciprocate my feelings, or to fight it as a sinful passion?
Julia
This is not a sinful passion, it is a natural phenomenon for a normal person; on the contrary, if you “demonize” the feeling of falling in love, you can harm yourself. But you shouldn’t insist that the Lord endear this person to you. Pray that the Lord will guide, strengthen you and arrange everything in your life as He pleases.
Deacon Ilya Kokin
Good afternoon Please tell me how can I confess my sin? I am married, but another man loves me, and I also have some feelings for him, but I try in every possible way to get them out of my head. We live in different countries and communicate only on social networks. Now communication is practically reduced to zero. But when he writes to me, he constantly talks about his love for me and that he is really serious about me. There was no physical betrayal, but I did not protect myself in letters, thoughts and dreams, I succumbed (and am now succumbing) to these thoughts. I am very ashamed of myself, of my husband and of this man, because it turns out that he sins too. Please tell me how can I confess this sin? Is it worth telling the whole story to the priest in detail, or is it enough to simply repent from the heart of adulterous thoughts and not guarding oneself from prodigal, adulterous dreams? God bless you!
Elena
Elena, of course, we need to end these online relationships. It is enough to repent in your thoughts, and not in the description of your experiences. This will not add anything significant to the confession. But you definitely need to think about what is happening in your family, what served as the impetus for communication on the Internet. Apparently, family life needs a “reset” of relationships. It seems that you have stopped talking to your husband, communication has disappeared. This is the beginning of a serious crisis.
Archpriest Maxim Khizhiy
Good evening! I was baptized before I was one year old. Until the age of 16, I felt a connection with the Lord, and then, like a rope, it broke off by thread. I led the wrong lifestyle - I lived in a civil marriage with a man for two years, then had an affair with a married man. As you understand, this did not bring me happiness. Six months ago I met a man with whom I fell in love at first sight. By the will of the Lord, we see each other every day, since we work nearby. On my part, the feelings are so strong that the sight of him takes my breath away. For the first time I wanted a real family and children! From his behavior I understand that at least he has sympathy for me, but he does not take the first step. The situation of uncertainty, when neither yes nor no, tormented me so much that I could not find a place for myself, it was very difficult for me. Two months ago I realized that this was my punishment for my past life. I rethought my behavior, realized my mistakes, realized that I no longer want to make them. And an uncontrollable desire appeared to go to church for confession. I found a very good priest! This was my first confession, I cried and couldn’t stop. Father allowed me to receive communion and said that the appearance of this man in my life was a miracle of God! After communion, I cried all day. Now I don’t have such strong emotions that literally tore me apart for days on end. But the feelings didn’t go away! Have I not repented enough, why am I still going through this ordeal? Haven't my sins been forgiven me? After all, I did a lot of work on myself, realizing that I was living wrong and repenting of it, sincerely repenting!
Irina
Ira! You did a very faithful and important thing - you went to church for confession. But the fact is that sins leave behind scars on the soul, on a person’s ability to adequately perceive life, even on the ability to love. See what meeting a man does to you. Do you see how many emotions there are? Is it normal? After sad experiments on the soul, you will have to learn to walk like a person whose legs were broken. This also takes time. For everything to go away, for you to become adequate, you need to live without hobbies of the opposite sex. Well, at least a year! Otherwise, everything will go back to the well-worn rut for you: passion, relationships, sin, disappointment.
Archpriest Maxim Khizhiy
My husband and I are not married, we have been living for 22 years. He has adult children from his first marriage, and I have an adult daughter from my first marriage. I met my first love, he was divorced, and then his ex-wife died. The fact that we broke up with our first love is my fault. And he loves me very much, and I too. My husband agrees to divorce, what should I do? My first love blames me and says that I was given to him by God and I should marry him.
Galina
I understand that you are going to get married for the third time? But it's worth thinking carefully. Your “first love” is no longer the same person you loved in your youth. And you are also not who you were before. Changes people's lives! Isn't it dangerous to indulge in such illusions? Think about it. Say your prayers.
Archpriest Maxim Khizhiy
Hello! My boyfriend became interested in Vedic culture. Attends some classes. I worry. We are Orthodox! What to do? Please advise.
Olga
Hello Olga. Orthodoxy is not membership in a club at all - I was baptized and am already Orthodox, and I have a certificate. Judas was an apostle and cast out demons in the name of Jesus, but betrayed Christ. What makes a person Orthodox is conscious living according to the commandments of Christ. We must force ourselves to this life, because the original sin that is innate to us draws us to what is contrary to all conscience and Christianity. The fact of falling into paganism is natural in the absence of Christian life, consciousness and faith. In that soul that is not inhabited by angels, demons will certainly appear. You need to start with yourself, and today live according to the commandments of Christ, read and fulfill the Gospel, resort to the Sacraments of the Church. Because otherwise, the likelihood that you too will fall under the influence of a paganized friend is very high. God help you.
Priest Alexander Beloslyudov
Hello, dear priests. I have read a lot of answers and questions similar to mine, I would like to ask about a pressing topic on this site, and in life. I’m alone, I can’t start a family. 5 years ago I met a guy, we dated for six months, then we broke up, we had nothing. I've loved him ever since. We broke up due to mutual stupidity, I know that he did not love me and does not love me, otherwise he would have shown up already. He really offended me with his attitude after the breakup, he pretended that we didn’t know each other. Although I'm not one of those who hang themselves around their necks. But all the same, with his attitude towards me, I cannot forget him in my heart, and I always remember him. I also want to tell you that I hate my own father, I can’t help it. I constantly ask God for forgiveness for this. I can’t go to confession, I feel like the time hasn’t come, although at one time I even began to intensively prepare for it. Sometimes such despondency overtakes me that, in fact, I understand why I am being punished with loneliness, for hating my own father. I have my reasons for this, I reproach myself for it. But over the years the situation has not changed. I ask God for a husband. I pray. But, you know, now I don’t even want to go to church. Everyone I know looks at me with condemnation, like I’m somehow different, since I’m lonely. Tell me, fathers, how to deal with love for your ex-boyfriend, I’ve been in love for 4 years now, by the way, for some reason his relationships aren’t going well either, and things weren’t going well before me either. We met most of all, I wanted to marry him so much, I was ready to love, respect and be a real wife for my husband, I was ready to throw away my entire character. And what if hatred towards your father does not go away? I don’t know where the exit is, my soul is so heavy. Everyone is like everyone else, but I am not a family person. Thanks to all the priests for the answers. May God grant everyone to find the answer to their question here.
Olya, you are still a very young girl. Now the situation is such that families are created by older people. The age of marriage is increasing. Don't be so desperate. I think that you greatly exaggerate the attention of others to you. This is suspiciousness. Try not to pay attention to this. Become a self-sufficient person and your life will change. Pray. Pray for your father. Even if there is resentment against him in his heart. Prayer for “those who offend us” is our justification.
Archpriest Maxim Khizhiy
Hello, father! Please pray for my beloved person to return to me, he is my common-law spouse, I have loved him for almost 6 years. I am 22 years old, and I have a little daughter, I have made a lot of mistakes, but I repent very much, I am very sorry that I hurt him, my name is Ekaterina, his name is Vyacheslav. Thank you very much!
Catherine
Hello, Ekaterina. I cannot ask God to resume your prodigal cohabitation, but I will pray for your health. God help you.
Priest Alexander Beloslyudov
Hello! Help me. Life connected me with a married man, we have been together for 5-6 years. I knew that he was not free, and yet I succumbed to temptation. I can say that I sincerely love him, but is it possible? I know it's immoral, but still... I'm confused.
Natalie
Natasha, let's unravel: you have no future with a man who deceives his wife and takes advantage (note!) of you. And this will happen as long as you yourself agree to it, until you feel how it humiliates you (I’m not talking about sin). Think about what tied you to the person who turned you into an ordinary mistress?
Archpriest Maxim Khizhiy
Save me, God! Father, I need spiritual guidance. I love one guy. And I’m very upset that he doesn’t want to start a family yet. And she doesn’t want children yet. We are 27 years old. We've been together for 1.5 years. He loves me too. I'm waiting for it to ripen, but I'm scared that it won't happen at all. Young years pass, life moves quickly. During our meetings, we, unfortunately, could not restrain ourselves and entered into intimate relationships several times. Then they repented. He does not insist strongly on intimate relationships; he understands that this is a sin. But sometimes he pesters and tries to persuade him to have sex. You yourself understand youth... I confess, take communion, go to church to clean, embroider icons. He took communion once, but doesn’t want to anymore. And he’s also angry that I’m going overboard with religion. I don't know if he will be a good husband. I don't understand if I can live with him if he's angry at my religion. He wears a cross, goes to Orthodox youth, and traveled with me to holy places. Father, how can I be patient enough to wait for him? I have no strength, it’s so hard. I want to live together and have children. Life goes by. How can I keep from fornication? It's so hard.
Natalia
Of course, it’s up to you to decide... But everything is somehow very sad! It seems that your boyfriend doesn’t think about you at all. Maybe it’s good that he doesn’t have children? It seems that you do not have love, but a “black hole” that draws everything out, but brings nothing. I don’t think that such a person can (and should) be loved. You cannot get married just because you want marriage. Try to break up with him. Maybe then he will grow up?
Archpriest Maxim Khizhiy
Father, I beg you, help me, I’m dying from lies, I’m crying. I love him and he loves me, we met on the Internet about 2 months ago. I am 24 years old, he is 28. At the beginning, communication was only by phone, and already during the second call he asked many questions that a stranger did not want to answer. And then I lied about my last name and the city where I was from, I just named others. I deceived him then, and it was not worth starting a relationship with a lie. We've been communicating in real life for a month and a half now, and now this is not a virtual romance at all. He is well-mannered, calm, reasonable. It’s very scary to say that I lied to him. And every time we meet, I can’t help but think that I could lose his trust and feel guilty. And this gives me a feeling of insincerity within myself. A nightmare, in general, madness... Let this be a lesson to me. A cruel lesson. But it's so difficult. I truly fell in love with him. Please help, what should I do?! Give me strength, God!
Victoria
Dear Victoria! You just need to tell him the truth. After all, your lie is partly justified by the instinct of self-preservation and the severity of the times in which we live. Choose, or better yet, create the right moment for an explanation. Intrigue the young man on the phone with a warning about a serious conversation. Most likely, when he finds out the true reason, having serious feelings for you, the mountain will fall from his shoulders. Just don’t delay it too much - lies will destroy both you and your relationship as a whole. God bless you!
Archpriest Andrey Efanov
Hello! I would like to read the akathists of St. Ksenia of St. Petersburg, Peter and Fevronia, Vera, Nadezhda Love and their mother Sophia, and “Softening Evil Hearts”, in the hope that prayers will help me maintain a relationship with my loved one. But I doubt it, I found out that reading akathists requires a blessing! Tell me, is this true? Do you think I have a chance to maintain a relationship with my loved one and melt his heart, which has become a little clouded and cooled towards me? And with the help of what prayers can you help your loved one get rid of past memories that weigh on his soul, heart, thoughts and mind? I see how hard it is for him. Give me strength God! Forgive me, save you, Lord!
Natalia
Natasha, dear! Why do you turn akathists into a love spell, do you expect such a return from them?! Shouldn’t you tell us about real problems with your loved one, “about memories”, etc.? Maybe it's better to start with problem analysis? By the way, I understand that you had cohabitation and not a legal marriage?
Archpriest Maxim Khizhiy
Hello. How can you explain your sympathy for a show business star (female, of course), which resulted in short-term melancholy from the fact that you cannot be near her? Or is this question better to ask a psychologist? Thank you very much.
Anton
Both the clergyman and the psychologist, I think, will tell you approximately the same thing. You fell in love. There is no need to see any deep meaning in this phenomenon, because... falling in love for the most part is not so much psychological as biochemical in nature - changes in hormonal levels. Falling in love is not love, which requires heroism and has a different nature. Just wait a little, don’t take any rash actions, pray, switch to some useful activity, it will soon pass.
Deacon Ilya Kokin
Father, bless me, I beg you, help me, my soul is breaking, my heart is crying. I love a guy, he says he loves me too, but in his own way, I don’t understand, and he can’t explain. He also says that he doesn’t want to lose me, but he loves someone else, a married woman. I am 31 years old, and my personal life is not going well. I love him madly, but we have no future, he doesn’t explain anything either, he’s not married. Help, tell me what to do? I’m losing weight, getting old, my friends don’t recognize me, I don’t have the strength. Thank you.
Natalia
Dear Natasha! Your age is far from old, and every second woman now dreams of losing weight. So you write about yourself that you are “getting old”, but you love a “guy”. Is he 10 years younger than you? Or do you consider male years differently? I am writing this to mean that the problem you have is in your consciousness, in your head, inside, in your self-esteem. You don’t have to love anyone madly - then it’s not love, but sinful passion. It is convenient for an unscrupulous person to take advantage of you. We need to put our feelings and mind in order! I refer you to the article “Slave of Love” and the materials of my LJ: http://clerical-x.livejournal.com/. I hope you find it useful.
Archpriest Maxim Khizhiy
Hello, father! A year ago my mother died. When she was buried, an icon of the martyr Tatiana was placed in her hands, although she is Valentina. Why? And the second question: I am very much in love with a man who is 12 years younger than me. I broke up with him on my own initiative, because I don’t see in him the desire to build a family with me, and I don’t want to live in sin with him. Did I do the right thing, and what akathist should I read in order to forget this person and find peace and peace of mind (six months have passed since we broke up, and it hurts a lot). Thanks in advance.
Alexandra
Alexandra, women usually put an icon of the Mother of God in their coffins. It’s hard for me to say why they did it differently. Perhaps they got mixed up. The fact that you broke up with this person is very correct. It’s better to be alone than to build your “happiness” in sin. Fornicators will not inherit the Kingdom of Heaven, always remember this, and your soul will be calmer and easier.
Hieromonk Victorin (Aseev)
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The modern world is relaxed about those who have relationships before marriage. Even if treason occurs, no one will throw stones as punishment. But what should those who worry about their souls do? How will her chosen path of loving a married man affect her? Will God forgive such an act?
According to the Orthodox faith, a person who does not know the Lord lives in sin. Fornication is one of the gravest violations of God's law. According to the Biblical legend, dishes are a close relationship between two people who are not married.
The love triangle has been familiar to humanity since ancient times, and all responsibility for what happens in it lies with the female gender.
The beginning of the Bible tells us that God created woman and brought her to man. Adam called her his wife. God took care of Eve and gave her a husband, Adam, and a magnificent garden for them to tend together. But in our world, girls lack knowledge of the word of God and the commandments, which leads to sin.
The Bible directly says that a person who has committed adultery has no place in Paradise, that is, the path there is closed. Of course, if you sincerely repent of what you have done and continue to live according to the precepts of Holy Scripture, then you can atone for any sin, as was the case, for example, with St. Theodora.
What are the consequences of living in sin?
Nowadays, love in most cases is only passionate sex, and not a spiritual connection between two people, as described in the Bible. A person follows the lead of biological needs, replacing with them the deepest and purest thoughts. Since they have a brighter color, it seems that these feelings are the meaning of life. But is it? Relationships with a family man are unacceptable for a believer, since they enslave and make one dependent on lust, which destroys not only the cheater, but also the one who agreed to it.
If you receive an offer for sex from a family guy, be sure to refuse. This will keep her soul healthy. She must understand that this affair will ruin her life first of all.
A passion that agrees to intimacy with someone’s husband not only sins itself, but also provokes the family man again and again. Perhaps it was only a temporary clouding of the mind of someone else’s spouse. After some time, he will regret his thoughts, and will be very grateful that you refused.
Otherwise, because of the homewrecker, the family collapses, where not only the spouse, but also the children suffer from infidelity. And everything happens because the girl could not refuse the offer, even a tempting one.
The mistress ruins not only her chosen one, but also herself, because she becomes dependent on her lover. After all, it happens quite often that women become pregnant from such a vicious relationship. Understanding that the child is unwanted, the result is an abortion, which is also a great sin and not only in Orthodoxy.
But if, despite everything, the baby is born, then the newly baked mother realizes that the biological father does not need him. As a result, the girl will be left alone with a baby in her arms and without a husband or means of livelihood. With the advent of the baby, the passion fades away, the newly-minted mother is absorbed by the problems and difficulties that she has to deal with herself. She becomes unhappy, and at the beginning of everything there was the impossibility of refusing.
Options for the development of events
Sooner or later, the passion between lovers ends. This fact has been proven by many scientists, from biologists to psychologists, if there is nothing more than sex between a couple. And even if everything was perfect at the very beginning, it will come back to haunt you after a while.
Not many libertines are concerned about the issue of spirituality. But this is in vain! A relationship with a married man seems insignificant. So a year, two, three passes and wrinkles appear on the face, the skin becomes less elastic. There comes a belated realization that life passes, but there is no loving spouse, no children, and sometimes no job. And meetings with your loved one occur less and less often.
There is a certain group of female representatives who play the secondary role of passion throughout their lives. She is never proposed for marriage and no one truly loves her. Therefore, we have to rejoice in the fact that we are at least still perceived as a body for carnal pleasures. But there is no point in rejoicing here, since over time her lover can easily be replaced by another, younger one.
In psychology there is even a term “mistress syndrome”. A person who agrees to have sex gives the attitude that she is ready to always be second in life, that is, to play a secondary role.
Unfree boyfriends in most cases perceive an extramarital affair as a temporary phenomenon. A representative of the fairer sex on the side is never assigned the role of wife. She is just a “girl for the night” whom you can turn to to satisfy your desires. Lovers who have intrigues on the side never leave their wives.
There is always one legal spouse, but there can be many mistresses.
It happens that a woman meets with a married man, achieves her goal and becomes his new wife, but after some time she realizes that her lover has someone else on his side. And as a result, she finds herself in the role of an already deceived wife. Or disappointment will come, since it turns out that the chosen one was ideal only as a lover, but not as a husband.
What fate awaits the girl who meets with the ringed guy is unknown. But nothing good will most likely come of this.
Karma and relationships outside of marriage
In our world, everything is interconnected. A girl who agrees to sleep with a married man will never be truly loved. She is driven by the call of the flesh, just like a guy in marriage. Intimacy is based on the desire to learn and feel something new and diversify sex, but not to achieve love and affection for each other. This is punished by fate, in that the homewrecker does not arouse the desire of the stronger sex to take care of her, but he only wants to take possession of her.
Why is this happening? The mistress, according to karma, is the third negative particle that destroys the integrity of the marriage. Many homewreckers place the responsibility for the affair on the shoulders of the cheating spouse, but this is not so.
Thus, belated karma comes to the representative of the fair sex in the form that the “married man” does not see her as a potential life partner, so he easily indulges in extramarital intimacy, and does not intend to build a family with his passion.
Consequences of an affair
Why can't you date a married man? Sooner or later you will have to pay for your amorous affairs with someone else’s husband. These intrigues are just a woman’s whim, which pollutes karma and increases the chance of negative consequences in subsequent lives.
An intimate relationship with a non-free guy represents the illusion that it is a karmic connection. This is a mistake that destroys a family. She takes away her husband and father, which won’t lead to anything good. For a relationship with a married man, karma foreshadows punishment in the form of:
- Strengthening the karma of a single person. When meeting with a family man, the passion does not notice the potential suitors destined for her by fate. There is a big risk that she will be left alone when her lover leaves her.
- Loss of healthy energy threatens those who wish to sleep with someone else's spouse, since they completely surrender to him. The real task of the female sex is to help her partner in self-realization, find a place in life and find herself as the keeper of the family hearth. An unfree chosen one is not an equal participant in the energy exchange. And a representative of the weaker sex will not be able to realize herself.
- Negativity comes not only from the wife and children, but also from the mother-in-law. A large amount of negative energy causes breakdowns in the aura, which will have a bad effect in the future.
- Using different magical lapels is a sin that carries a dangerous punishment. In esotericism, the use of various kinds of spells also carries karmic punishment.
Few people, when deciding to take such a step, think that children will pay for their love for a married person. At the same time, it doesn’t matter from whom he will be, he will still get a certain bad part of his mother’s life.
Diseases
An affair with someone else's husband and karma are interconnected. As a result, female energy will be weak, which will negatively affect the immune system. The body easily becomes infected with various infections.
Forbidden love causes illnesses for both participants in the process. In women, the risk of mastopathy increases, and in men, the risk of adenoma formation increases.
In addition, it is worth noting that if the wife knows about the intriguer and vice versa, then during a close relationship, the ladies are more aggressive, which negatively affects the partner’s energy. As a result, diseases of the genitourinary system appear in both men and women.
Is it worth it?
Is it a sin to love someone else's husband? Yes, this is considered a violation of God's laws. By destroying a family, a homewrecker automatically receives negative energy in her direction, which will not bring her any good. Therefore, before you enter into a vicious relationship, think about how much you need this particular unfree person? Maybe it’s better to look for a real soulmate who will love only you.
A person who does not know God lives in darkness, and very often sins, without even suspecting that some of his actions are sins. And one of these sins is fornication - physical intimacy between persons who are not legally married. But there is another aspect to this sin when an unmarried woman begins dating a married man. Today this phenomenon no longer causes condemnation in society, but let's see what the Bible says about this.
“So many guys are single, but I love a married man” - the problem of forbidden “love” has existed for a long time, if not to say from the very beginning of the creation of mankind. And a special responsibility lies with the woman.
When God created woman, He brought her to man, and Adam called her wife. God took care of Eve in advance, gave her a husband, a beautiful garden where they were to live, and a job for both of them to care for and cultivate the garden.
This episode from the Bible shows us God's attitude towards every woman. God loves every girl and wants to bless her and give her a happy life, a faithful and loving husband, a cozy home, and a family. Using the example of Eve, we see that the will of God is always kind to us, a blessing from God enriches a person and does not bring sorrow with it. But very often a modern girl lacks knowledge about God and His commandments, which leads her to the sin of fornication, which violates God’s plan for her and deprives her of blessings in family life.
Beautiful deception
If we look around, we will be surprised at how beautifully the sin of fornication is disguised as true love. Let's look at the lyrics of the song “Conversation between Wife and Lover” by Lyubov Uspenskaya and Irina Dubtsova. It contains the following words: “He once loved me to the point of madness, to tears, to goosebumps, and the bed burned with fire...”.
Love today is very often passion and bed, and such an idea of it is false and blasphemous. A person in such a relationship does not control himself and his life, but is led by feelings, and it seems to him that these feelings are the meaning of his life.
Relationships of fornication are unacceptable for a healthy person, because they enslave her, make her dependent on lust, on the devilish fire in her blood.
When a married man comes to a girl with a proposal for a love relationship, she must say no to him if she wants to keep her soul healthy. After all, if someone approached us on the street with a syringe and offered to inject themselves, we would naturally refuse, realizing that drugs ruin lives. The sin of fornication destroys lives no less.
The fruits of a dissolute life
In the Bible there are these words: “Man’s foolishness perverts his way, but his heart is indignant against the Lord.”
Is it worth talking about how perverted the life of a girl who decides to make “love” with a married man becomes?
As a rule, she destroys this man through sin. The sin of fornication deprives him of his common sense, various addictions come, often alcohol and even greater fornication with other women. This man's family is destroyed, his wife and children suffer. The family loses its breadwinner, even more unfortunate people appear on earth, and the culprit for this is a woman who said “yes” to fornication in her life.
But not only does a harlot destroy a man, she also destroys herself, because she herself becomes dependent on him. Often mistresses get pregnant, have abortions, thereby committing another sin to everyone else, give birth to children, knowing that their fathers do not need them, because if a man did not value his children in marriage, he is unlikely to take care of children on the side.
And this girl, who at the age of twenty entered into a relationship with a married man, “loved” him to such an extent that she could not breathe without him, today remains alone with children without a father. Plus, she has a wounded soul and pain because her love story has such an unhappy ending. And children need to be fed, clothed, put on shoes... And you can’t expect help from your lover.
A life in which there is no happiness and structure is not blessed. So who is to blame for this happening, God or man?
God cannot be mocked; whatever a man sows, that he will also reap.
Act out of love
If those vibes that a girl felt towards a married man were love, that high feeling, would we observe such consequences in so many lives? Of course not. Love from God does not think evil to one’s neighbor, does not seek one’s own. And when you decide to have a relationship for the sake of your beloved, as long as you feel good, then this is lust, not love.
The problem lies in human selfishness. Instead of patiently waiting for his own happiness, he covets someone else's.
Marriage is an institution of God, and when a girl enters into a relationship with a man who has already entered into marriage with another woman, she acts as an enemy of God, acts in defiance of Him. And the Bible says, “Beware lest you also turn out to be enemies of God...”.
God laid at the foundation of marriage a miracle incomprehensible to the human mind - two become one flesh, and everyone should perceive a husband or wife not as a separate person from himself, but as a continuation of himself.
The girl decides for herself what life to choose. Whether to allow the sin of fornication with a married man in your life or not. But God blesses those of them who do His will.
A different view of love
God loves those who love Him so much that He blesses them with the best. He gives them families that reflect His glory, and such families shine like stars in this dark world. God becomes the center of such a family.
When registering and entering into marriage in the Church, a man and a woman make a promise of love and fidelity to each other and to God. And it is, at the very least, ugly to take from a person something that you do not have the right to, something that does not belong to you.
With God, every person has a chance to build a strong and happy family on God's principles of chastity, purity, support, trust and care.
God teaches men to treat women as His daughters with love, affection, and respect. And God teaches women to honor and respect their husbands, to recognize their authority in everything.
God gives a man and a woman instructions on how to live in such a way that there are no quarrels, conflicts, or desires for betrayal.
These instructions are God's commandments. And if you know them and follow them, your life will be hidden from all the curses of the world in the hands of the Father.
Elena Shumilova
Tags: relationships
Number of impressions: 46480
We say that the main thing in Christianity is love; in fact, God is love, as the Apostle writes. Love is more important than rituals, love is more important than theological subtleties, love is more important than everything. Our non-church interlocutors readily agree with this; but I would point out that there is a cultural misunderstanding here - the Apostle and the average modern person, when they say “love,” mean slightly different things.
The sayings “love is most important” or, as St. Augustine said, “love God and do what you want” are true in their biblical and ecclesiastical context. However, people outside this context may find them confusing.
This misunderstanding has several symptoms. One of them is talk about how the requirements imposed by the church faith, both in the area of behavior and in the area of confession, can be neglected - the main thing is to love God and people. It doesn't matter how much you follow the Bible's injunctions, say, in the area of family life; it matters even less whether you confess Jesus Christ to be the true God, just a good man, an avatar, a “great initiate,” a tragically misunderstood rabbi, or whatever. It is important that you love God and people.
The misunderstanding associated with the word “love” can be illustrated by the following everyday example. A married man fell in love with an employee at work; no, this is not a fleeting attack of lust, this is precisely amore grande, a union of two hearts, Love (with a capital L) for life.
You've almost certainly seen something like this. In this case, the words “act out of love” will mean exactly opposite things for a church Christian and for a non-church person; For some, “acting out of love” will mean leaving your wife and indulging in a new feeling; for others, it will mean staying with your wife and crushing the feeling with an unshaking hand. Those non-church people who will insist that it is still impossible to leave your wife (or cheat on her) will appeal to decency, a sense of duty, responsibility, but not to love. Indeed, the quality that prevents a married man from being carried away by a new love will be described in secular language as “decency.” In the biblical context, this is precisely love, love for God and man.
In secular terms, "love" refers to feelings; it is an emotional experience, an experience in relation to which the person himself is a passive rather than an active person.
In ordinary language, the command to love another person would sound strange and incomprehensible; on the contrary, they often say that “you can’t order your heart.” “I fell in love” sounds like “I have a high temperature”; “I am going through an experience that I cannot cause and have very little control over.” This is true not only of romantic love: when it comes to friendship, some people are “likeable” and others are not.
The Lord, on the contrary, addresses us with the command to love: Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind: this is the first and greatest commandment; the second is similar to it: love your neighbor as yourself; on these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets(Mt. 22 :37-40).
There are commands from a moralist - do this; There are commands of the Creator, with which He calls a new reality to life or restores what was destroyed by sin. When the Lord speaks in the Gospel to the man already decaying in the tomb, Lazarus, come out(In 11 :43), this is not just a command - it is a matter of giving new life.
A Christian is a person whom Christ leads from the tomb of his former life, a life in which he was alienated from God, to a new life - a life in which it is revealed to a person that God loved him and, long before his birth, planned his salvation. As the Apostle says, And we knew the love that God has for us and believed in it. God is love, and he who abides in love abides in God, and God in him(1In 4 :16).
Love in the Christian understanding is a reflection of God’s love, a reflection of His saving presence in our lives. Such love is rooted not in our fickle moods, but in the eternal and unchanging love of God; The unconditional faithfulness, long-suffering and forgiveness that Christians are called to demonstrate in their relationships with people are a reflection of His faithfulness, long-suffering and forgiveness. So, imitate God, like beloved children(Eph 5 :1) - says the Apostle Paul.
However, such following of Christ and imitation of His love means work, and, as Scripture and patristic literature often say, feat. We are sinful people and will be completely freed from sin only in the life of the next century; We live in a society and culture in which much of it bears the mark of sin and rebellion against God. Therefore we are commanded elect love and obedience to God, to follow not our moods or feelings - which may be dictated by the imperfections of our nature or the pressure of the external environment - but the new life that Christ gives us.
In secular language, the phrase “love is most important” is perceived as “the most important thing is to have warm, pleasant feelings towards God or people”; if you experience such feelings (and there is nothing more vague and optional than such feelings), then the disturbing question about the relationship with God can be considered removed. I have love, and that’s the main thing; and all sorts of dogmas, rituals and going to Church are incomprehensible and unnecessary formalism.
It is clear that this is not what Christians meant at all; this is a misunderstanding. In fact, the Apostles are not talking about feelings, but about something else.
Love consists in this, that we should act according to His commandments(2In 1 :6).
However, when we talk about the commandments, we encounter another misunderstanding; Now the word “commandments” or even “ten commandments”, as a rule, does not mean “the commandments found in the Holy Scriptures”, but something like “the norms of community life accepted in our culture.” Since “social norms,” like “universal morality,” are very, very vague concepts, it is impossible to understand whether I comply with them or not.
It’s very easy to decide that I keep them - and, therefore, everything is in order with the commandments.
However, “God’s commandments” and “universal morality” are not the same thing. They intersect, but do not coincide; moreover, they rest on different foundations. The first commandment of the ten says:
I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of slavery; let you have no other gods before me(Ref 20 :2-3).
The commandments are given within the framework of the Covenant, the special relationship that God establishes with His people. A person outside of these relationships may be an honest citizen, a caring family man, and a conscientious worker - but he cannot be said to keep the commandments. He no longer observes the very first of them.
There are other commandments that cannot be classified as “universal” - for example, the command of Christ to celebrate the Eucharist in His remembrance:
And he took the bread and gave thanks, broke it and gave it to them, saying: This is My body, which is given for you; do this in remembrance of Me. Likewise the cup after supper, saying: This cup [is] the New Testament in My blood, which is shed for you(OK 22 :19-20).
This is also a commandment; and about her too the Lord said:
If you love Me, keep My commandments(In 14 :15).
Yes, love for Christ, as He himself defines it, presupposes going to Church and participating in the Eucharist. And it also presupposes—let’s say this terrible word—dogmatics. The simplest appeal to Christ with the prayer: “Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me a sinner” already presupposes the confession of Him as the Omniscient (that is, capable of hearing prayer) Lord and Judge - that is, God. You can, of course, refuse to say such a prayer, but in this case your decision will be no less “dogmatic” - only connected with other dogmas.
Recently, we should note another misunderstanding related to the word “love”, a misunderstanding when the Church itself is declared not only an alien, but also a force hostile to love. Actually, there is nothing unusual in the fact that popular philosophies and simply the mood of the masses, political and religious movements are looking for a way to either destroy the Church or remake it for themselves. The church is a rock against which the waves constantly crash with a roar - this was so in the 1st century, and it remains so in the 21st century. In different eras this was done under different slogans - the Church was attacked in the name of the fatherly gods, in the name of reason and science, in the name of blood and race, in the name of justice and a bright future, now we see how the Church is attacked, according to the attackers, in the name of love . Traditional Churches do not ordain women as bishops? They do this out of hatred for women! Does the Church View Abortion as a Sin? Where is the love for the unfortunate victims of circumstances? The Church does not ordain to the priesthood and crown among itself those who are stubbornly committed to the sin of Sodom? The Church must repent of its hatred of sexual minorities!
One could consider all this simply propaganda - how many of us who caught the communists heard anti-church slogans - but for many of our contemporaries it sounds convincing. Why? I think this is due to some features of modern - both Western and our - culture. Regarding how this culture sees love, one can say in the words of K.G. Chesterton - it presents partial truth as absolute. In the Church this is what is called heresy. In our time we are dealing with a heresy that reduces love to consolation. There is part of the truth in it - and even a very large part of it. As the prophet says, comfort, comfort my people(Is 40 :1), and the Apostle commands Christians to comfort the faint-hearted (1 Thess. 5:14). The Gospel is a good word, a word of comfort; Christians are called to support and encourage people who are discouraged in the face of the evil and suffering of this world. Moreover, the Gospel is a proclamation of the forgiveness of sins, and its consolation extends to everyone - no matter how low a person has fallen, no matter how gravely he has sinned, and there is hope for him, and a place is prepared for him at the Royal feast - a feast to which he called to enter by repentance and faith. It is no coincidence that both in the liturgical texts of the Church and in the lives of saints, the motif of a man who lived badly, even criminally, but then through repentance became a saint, is constantly repeated.
We are all sinful, mortal people, wounded by our own and other people's sins, deeply in need of consolation; and consolation is precisely what people tend to look for in the Church in the first place. There is nothing wrong with this, they are contacting the right address - but an error can easily arise here. Love can manifest itself not only in consolation. Love can be deeply upsetting. Love can even crush.
We can give an example from an area quite far from spiritual life. I once watched several episodes of the British program “Set Back Your Body Clock.” The program features British ordinary people, men and women, devoted to wine and beer, fatty foods, a sedentary lifestyle, nervous at work and due to this very similar to Moscow ordinary people of their own age - fat, pale and tattered. They come to the doctor, who, after examining them with the help of various instruments, shows how their lifestyle has destroyed - and continues to destroy - their body, and why their hope of living at least 80 years is not destined to come true. Deeply shocked, dejected and frightened patients cry in front of the camera. After this, they are explained that they urgently need to change their lifestyle, exercise diligently, stop drinking, and so on - then they will avoid premature death. Patients follow these instructions, which is why their health, appearance and psychological state noticeably improve.
Let us note, however, that at first the doctor says extremely unpleasant things to these people. An unsympathetic viewer might say that people are being intimidated, they are told that their way of life is wrong, they are shown images on the monitor screen that are supposed to cause disgust and fear, they are assured that they will die if they do not listen to the instructions of doctors. Moreover, by assuring that everyone can turn from fast food to healthy eating and from lying on the couch to jogging, they instill in those who have not converted a feeling of inferiority, shame, guilt and social inferiority. Some people say exactly that.
I am, however, inclined to think that doctors do their duty and act out of love - although their words do not initially bring much comfort to patients.
Another example, alas, is familiar to many - when your friend or relative becomes an alcoholic, he, as a rule, perceives any of your attempts to help him as a bitter insult - with hostility. In his opinion, you shouldn't lecture him or tell him what to do or not do, you should "help" him the way he wants. He believes that his problem is not that he drinks, but that he is surrounded by callous, cold people who do not want to accept him for who he is.
Even when we are talking about such a very specific and understandable thing as health, love does not always mean comfort. The Bible talks about much more important and complex things - about our eternal destiny. And many words of the Prophets and the Lord himself sound very harshly - if you do not repent, you will all perish the same way(OK 13 :3). A person has real choices with real consequences - not only regarding diet and lifestyle, but also regarding eternity. If a person chooses the path of destruction, this path will lead him exactly there. And the word of God persistently - and at times harshly - exhorts him to turn away from this path. Moreover, the psalmist - and with him every Christian - turns to God with a prayer of conviction: Test me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my thoughts; and see if I am on a dangerous path, and guide me on the eternal path(Ps 138 :23-24).
Why do modern people want only consolation from the Church and consider any denunciation, any indication of sin as a manifestation of “lack of love” or even “hatred”? This is due to one important feature of modern culture - it is a culture without hope. A person of this culture is able to agree that a doctor has the right to tell unpleasant truths - we are talking about such a tangible value as health. Maybe if he listens to the doctors and changes his lifestyle, he will live twenty years longer. But a person does not hope for anything more; in his world there is no place for eternal life, for paradise, for joy, the distant reflections of which would make one tremble with the hope of finding it and be horrified at the thought that it can be lost. All that exists is a short period of time allotted by nature, during which the inevitable process of aging will take away first physical attractiveness, then health, and then life itself. If there is nothing more to hope for, all that remains is to look for some kind of comfort, some accessible pleasures and some kind of consolation that can be obtained within these narrow limits. And when a person is faced with conviction of sin, he sees only that he is depressed and upset and is not able to understand why. It is from the culture of hopelessness that modern demands on the Church come - give us a little consolation, a little support, a little warmth and leave us alone with demands to somehow change our lives. Are you saying that the Church has no consolation for us until we agree to repent, change our behavior, or at least our attitude towards this behavior? Oh, what callousness and lack of love!
And here we need to ask a person - even if not to convert, but at least simply to see the Church in its own perspective. We must try to imagine for a moment: what is said in the Gospel is true. Imagine that the words of Jesus Christ are true, and true in relation to each of us personally. The Church stands on the fact that eternal salvation is a reality that surpasses any other reality. This is not a convention, not a fiction, not a role-playing game, not a set of ritual phrases inherited from a long-dead past. Eternal salvation or eternal destruction, unspeakable joy or unspeakable horror - this is what each of us rushes towards at a speed of sixty seconds per minute.
The Church does not proclaim psychological help or auto-training. The Church proclaims eternal salvation in Christ, eternal life, which we can forever gain - or forever lose.
We are strangers and strangers, our home is in Heaven; On the way we may have both joy and consolation, but insofar as all this does not interfere with Pavel’s main goal - our return to the heavenly Fatherland. The apostle compares the life of a Christian to the training of an athlete. Do you not know that those who run in a race all run, but one receives the reward? So run to get it. All ascetics abstain from everything: those to receive a perishable crown, and we to receive an incorruptible crown. And that’s why I don’t run in the wrong way, I don’t fight in a way that just beats the air; but I subdue and enslave my body, so that, while preaching to others, I myself may not remain unworthy(1 Cor. 9 :24-27).
An athlete subjects himself to grueling training and various deprivations, he follows a regime, a diet, and denies himself many things - because he has a goal. He wants to take the prize. Any conscientious coach who helps him in this will, as they say, “stress” - demand to do something and give up something.
If a person does not believe in any prize, all these labors and hardships will seem to him complete nonsense; in fact, in this case they are nonsense. But then there is absolutely no need to join the team.
The Christian knows that at the end of the journey - and the journey can be very difficult - a joy awaits him that surpasses all understanding. He knows where he is going, he has a goal. The restrictions that a Christian accepts are related to this purpose. If you do not believe in any kind of eternal salvation, then it is likely that these restrictions will seem completely meaningless to you. If all we have is earthly life, and then we are buried and the burdock grows, all that remains is to take care of living our days as comfortably as possible, avoiding inconvenience and suffering, since no other consolations are in sight.
Of course, following our desires often turns into painful disappointment and bitterness here on Earth, but we will still eat and drink, for tomorrow we will die - and let the Church not spoil our mood with its talk about truth, abstinence and future judgment. But in this case, the Church will simply cease to believe in the Gospel and therefore cease to be the Church. Why would it be needed at all in this case? The Church testifies to the truth - “there is a way of life, and there is a way of death, and great is the difference between them (Didache 1 :1)". The Church does this precisely out of love. On the contrary, the words “love is the main thing, everything else is unimportant” turns into a convenient excuse to deprive oneself of faith, and a genuine relationship with God, and, of course, love itself.
The trouble is that people tend to fall into such misunderstandings again and again; as Aslan says in Lewis: “O children of Adam, how you know how to defend yourself from everything that is for your good!”
