As each child grows up, starting from birth, he draws conclusions about himself primarily from the words of others and depending on their attitude. This question arises most acutely when a child starts school, joins a new team, but the main experiences occur during adolescence.
Getting a child interested in learning so that he or she enjoys learning is often not so easy. Parents have to put a lot of time and effort into this. When patience and imagination run out, psychologists come to the rescue.
Does your baby refuse to eat? Does your child eat poorly and you can’t get your baby to eat anything? Is child nutrition a sore subject for your family? You are not alone in this problem. Many parents are very concerned that their child is either eating or not eating at all. This problem is as important and pressing as ensuring the safety of children at home. So what can you do to avoid fighting with your baby at every meal?
Uncontrollable outbursts of anger, unbridled rage - such feelings are not beautiful for anyone. Especially if adults yell at children. Sound familiar? “Cooling down” and then remembering your unbridled outbursts of anger, dissatisfaction with yourself and an acute feeling of guilt in relation to your child arise. How to cope with attacks of aggression and be calm parents?
IN modern world stepfamilies are common. Society is calm about new marriages between spouses who already have children. However, this is a lot of stress for children. Often the merging of two families results in rivalry between half-siblings.
Most women fear maternity leave more than the birth itself. And all because it is almost impossible to meet a mother who would enjoy her legal right to sit at home and not rush anywhere. More often about maternity leave you can hear something like this: I’m going crazy, I wish it would all end soon. Practicing psychologist, author of a bestseller about pregnancy and preparation for childbirth Tatyana Aptulaeva I am sure that this time can be spent with benefit for yourself. How to do this, she told AiF.ru
Sudden downshift
Oksana Morozova, AiF.ru: Tatyana, one of the quite popular queries on the Internet is “how not to go crazy while on maternity leave.” Why do many women perceive maternity leave as a kind of test - are they terribly afraid of it?
Tatyana Aptulaeva: It’s really possible to go crazy while on maternity leave. Imagine, you lived, lived an ordinary life with work, career, discos and karaoke, and then bam! You have a child. That's it, no more karaoke bars. I am, of course, greatly exaggerating this. The loss of your former freedom when you did what you wanted ends in an instant, and you are completely subject to the baby's schedule.
— So, is there a real reason for concern, or is the maternity leave not as scary as it is made out to be?
- You never know what you can do till you try. A future with many unknown conditions when you give birth for the first time is scary. But when a baby, your closest person, is in your arms for the first time, all fears recede, most of them. You start living in real time. Here and now. Solve all pressing problems, of which there are dozens every day. That's all. This is the law of nature. But if you continue to be tormented by some specific fears, discuss them with your loved ones. The support of our husbands and friends is often enough to cope with the situation. Is your inner circle not helping? Then go for a consultation with to a good psychologist. Excessive fears interfere with enjoying motherhood and become a fly in the ointment.
— What are the most common myths about maternity leave you have heard?
— The myth of lost time. He comes first. Because we live in the grip of another myth. Its name is “success”. And it assumes a life in which events change with the same breakneck speed as in the action films about James Bond and Charlie's Agents. And, of course, there is a hidden, often unconscious duty - to demonstrate to the whole world the external indicators of our achievements. More money. Higher position. Cooler car. A deck of certificates of completion of various training courses. And so on ad infinitum. And maternity leave is such a sudden downshift. Once, and your speed is not fifth, but first. And the worst thing is that you cannot, as in that song, shout “Press on gaaaaz!” Because a woman with a baby in her arms is no longer James Bond or Agent Charlie. No matter how much she wanted it. But maternity leave is a different value system. The key word here is “values” - they exist and there are many of them.
Self-care
— Is it possible to get rid of the feeling of “Groundhog Day” during this period?
— Not a single mother in the world will get rid of “Groundhog Day” if she herself takes care of the baby. Whatever one may say, you still repeat the same actions day after day. Let's list: 5-6 times - changing diapers; 5-6 times - feeding (first by breast, then with complementary foods); every evening - swimming before bed; every day is a walk. Now let's multiply this by the number of days in the week, and then by the months of the year. The numbers are impressive. Add to this the usual household chores - preparing food for three times a day for an adult, washing, cleaning, washing dishes. And all this life is in a state of “and the scent is like a dog, and the look is like an eagle.” Mother infant He is always in the combat stance of a border guard who is on duty day after day, but at the same time his normal state is increased vigilance.
All these child care actions become automatic, because the human psyche cannot withstand monotony and monotony for a long time. And then it’s not far from depression and indifference to own life. Fatigue still accumulates. First, physiological—restoration of the body after childbirth, from lack of sleep, torn sleep, double workload and responsibility, and generally mastering one’s new role as a mother. And then the psychological is added to it. But you cannot help but repeat these actions, because your child’s well-being directly depends on them; you satisfy the most basic needs in his life.
- In that case, what should we do?
— In order for fatigue not to lead you to depression and the feeling of automatism that enhances “Groundhog Day,” you need to reduce it as much as possible at the physiological level. First - you are as much as possible in simple ways reduce the feeling of fatigue (sleep, daily walks, proper nutrition). Secondly, you are planning new events that will always bring a fresh emotional current into your life, and not into the lives of others. You need to feed yourself with positive emotions. It can be simple but constant pleasures - meeting with friends. But a more reliable way, in my opinion, is to invest in your personal development. Anything. New foreign language. Culinary arts courses. Landscape design. Garden beds at your dacha. I’ll explain why: by engaging in self-development, you change internally and ensure movement not externally, but internally. A new hairstyle will no longer be fresh, clothes will wear out, meetings with friends will end, and the results of your development will remain with you forever. Do you understand the difference? This returns your self-esteem to its previous normal state. And you will no longer feel like an appendage to a child, a milk production plant, etc. It is important.
When you are forced to repeat many monotonous, monotonous actions every day in your external life, it is especially important for you to change internally, to give yourself growth as an individual and a person. The result depends on the repetition of your monotonous actions - your child grows up healthy and happy. But you also need to take care of yourself. If you are not full of energy and emotional fulfillment, how can you give your love and care to your child? With what feelings?
“And yet most women on maternity leave live differently. How to properly organize your day to get everything done? Does it make sense to create a daily routine and stick to it strictly?
— It all depends on the type of mother. If a woman is initially an excellent manager, an organized person, then a child in her arms changes little. Such women quickly turn into a classic multi-armed mother-goddess and do five things at once. But if you live more by inspiration (I, for example, am one of those people), then it is especially important to maintain excellent tone - both physical and psychological; support good mood, have at least one great source of inspiration. Or a bunch of small ones. For “attitude” mothers, it makes no sense to plan everything and manage to do it at all costs, because this does not relate to their internal structure and value system. Rigid planning won't work anyway. We didn’t do it today, we’ll make it tomorrow. Life quickly determines priorities. They will give up on makeup first of all. All life is subordinated to one thing - the well-being of the child. Therefore, it is important to get to the clinic in time, and put the soup into the slow cooker, pour vegetables into it with the magic words “cook a pot” and all other household tricks are quickly mastered: we talked with other mothers, read the necessary articles and books on child care - and learned a lot . Experience quickly teaches that you can accomplish a lot with your child. And go to the store, and do the cleaning, and cook soup, and do gymnastics on the playground while the child is sleeping, and listen to music on headphones while you push the stroller in the park.
Immerse yourself in motherhood
— What mistakes do women usually make on maternity leave?
— Perfectionism. You don't have to become a perfect mom. Try to do everything with an A+. Stay in personal development.
— How to get rid of the ideal mother complex?
- Love yourself. Maternity leave is a great time to live a slower life, absolutely rightfully so. And perhaps you even have to if you want your child to feel good, because high speeds, frequent changes of impressions, communication with a large number of people - all this is not for a baby. He gradually discovers the world for himself, quickly gets tired of various kinds of stimuli - noise, bright light, flashing faces, the cacophony of a big city.
— How to find time for self-care?
- Taking care of yourself is not as difficult as it seems. In the first months or six months, the main self-care is the simplest things. The first is sleep. It must be picked up at every opportunity. If you can't sleep, just lie down next to your baby to reduce nervous tension and give your body rest. The second is complete healthy eating. Three times a day plus a couple of snacks. The third is physical movement for pleasure. And these are daily walks and fitness. All. No frills. I don't remember my difficulties with self-care. We asked our relatives or husband to sit with the child in the evening and went to take a bath. The child fell asleep during the day - make yourself a face mask, apply compresses for the eyes and lie down nicely for 2 minutes. Most self-care routines do not require much time. Another thing is physical tone and problem excess weight. In most cases, it is not a question of how to find time, but of how to deal with the excessive anxiety that makes us eat too much. But that is another topic.
— The standard problem that many women talk about when maternity leave is coming to an end is “I forgot how to work, my head is not thinking at all,” etc. Is it possible to avoid such consequences and how?
— If you were engaged in self-development during maternity leave, you will not have such a feeling. This is the best prevention of such consequences. It's important to keep your brain sharp. And if you return to your previous place of work, most often this anxiety quickly passes in the first week, maximum two, as soon as you join the flow.
— Some women literally disappear from life for several years after the birth of a baby. Is it correct?
— My life on maternity leave is a vivid example of such a loss of several years. But purely external. I plunged into motherhood, giving up active activities in the sense of office work or a career. She left the city. I met a lot of misunderstanding. But my life was busier than ever. If you want, this period can renew your life in a very powerful way. Reconsider your relationship with yourself, other people, and your work. During this time I improved my English. I wrote a new book. Some people left my social circle, others came. I was engaged in improving my qualifications as a psychologist, undergoing personal therapy every week. And in order to become a qualified psychologist, you need to sit very well in the client’s chair. Without analyzing your own questions, pain points, without meeting your own “sins” with your own eyes, you cannot help and understand other people who turn to you for help. Maternity leave time is a crisis. Indeed, you can fall out for several years - the question is how you do it. The artist Surikov once went to Krasnoyarsk for five years - he had his own crisis period. And he returned to Moscow with his most famous painting, “Boyarina Morozova.” Now it hangs in the Tretyakov Gallery. Don't be afraid to take a few years off if you see value in it.
I'm tired
— How to involve relatives and husband in child care if they are not very eager to help?
— Press the “on” button (smiles). And let's start with what kind of help a woman wants. Physical - download washing machine, carry the child, walk him in a stroller, give him a bath. Material - allocate money in the family budget for a nanny or cleaner to ease your household worries. Finally, there is the emotional one - supporting you, responding to your experiences, holding your tears and hugging you at the end of the day, and not just demanding that you religiously perform all your housewife duties and throw plates of fresh dinner on the table. It is very important not to feel alone in caring for your child. And therefore, if the husband is immersed in his career and brings money into the house, and you are at home, then the ideal time when he can have quality communication with the child is Saturday, afternoon or Sunday - when he comes to his senses after a week of work. If you have a partnership and you earn approximately the same amount, then it is important to distribute responsibilities equally. And the third case, the most difficult. If the husband is like a child himself. Usually such a man demands to be looked after and looked after. Moreover, he competes with the child for your attention, asks to be fed, washed, and ironed on time. Then you will have to educate and nurture him yourself, returning to him the responsibility for being a parent. But this will take time, we need to give him six months for sure. And most importantly, learn to ask for it. No complaints, insults or scandals. And as an adult, for example: “I really need your help. I'm tired and want to rest on Saturday. Could you help me and take the baby for a walk during the day while I take a bath? I will be very grateful to you, my dear.” That is, you directly contact him, inform him about your condition, indicate a time several days in advance and say what exactly he can do. That's it, usually this is enough to normal person responded to your request. Try it.
As for relatives, they are actually not obligated to help you, no matter how sad it may sound. If you want them to want it, it is your job to make them love the child and want to spend time with him.
— How to get rid of the feeling of guilt that you left your child with dad, nanny or grandmother?
- It is impossible to get rid of a single such experience - feelings of guilt, resentment, accusation, envy - just like that. If your mother experiences it every time you break up, most likely we're talking about about herself. This may relate to her own history. For example, as a child, her child was often and for long periods separated from her mother, left alone or with strangers. And it is also important to pay attention to whether the mother is openly or secretly condemned by her relatives. If they say “you only think about yourself, but you don’t care about the child,” or simply silently, but with all their appearance demonstrating that she is a bad mother, then in this case it is very difficult not to feel guilty. Many mothers, especially at the beginning, succumb to this accusation. It’s difficult to resist this, so you need to deal with your weak points: dependence on other people’s opinions, low self-esteem, a tendency to self-blame...
— For most articles that talk about the fact that maternity leave can actually be spent profitably, you can find hundreds of negative comments: “apparently the author does not have children,” “all this is fantasy,” “you can’t relax on maternity leave,” etc. For this article, they will probably be there too, because your view of this period in a woman’s life is not as pessimistic as many...
- First of all, I have a child. Secondly, everyone goes their own way. Here I will say briefly: the feeling of a dead end does occur to every person from time to time. And not only during maternity leave, but at any other time big changes in life. And at the same time, everyone has the resources to change the situation and accept it with all its hidden possibilities. Just a huge feeling of fatigue, panic, severe anxiety or the lack of banal support from at least one person in life does not always allow us to see the possibilities of maternity leave. But when there is nothing, you just need to calm down and remember your dream.
Olga Litvinova
Vice President of Human Resources, mother of three children, psychologist.
Two small stripes can divide your life into very different “before” and “after”. What's beyond the horizon? What are all the women who were actively building a career and suddenly found out that they were soon going to become a mother so worried about?
1. Duration of maternity leave
As soon as your manager finds out that you are pregnant, one of the first questions you need to prepare for will be: “How long do you plan to be on maternity leave?” The question is very logical and understandable - if a key player is out of action, the employer needs to understand what to do. Keep in mind that a lot depends on your answer: whether your colleagues will be able to pick up this functionality for a while, whether they will be looking for someone on temporary maternity leave, or, frankly speaking, they won’t be waiting much for your return in principle.
2. Money
A very important point, especially for those women whose plays a significant role in the family budget. The few months before your maternity leave will fly by, so focus on planning your expenses.
Very few employers compensate for this period beyond what is required by law, so you need to prepare for a sharp decrease in income. This is neither good nor bad, just a fact. Feel free to increase everything you plan by 30% - usually unforeseen expenses appear, the existence of which is now difficult to even imagine.
Those who have deferred income, such as an annual bonus, have a slight advantage.
3. Health
Now is the time to do it, even if you didn’t always get around to it before. Carefully study what opportunities are available in the voluntary health insurance program offered by the employer. Often, for an additional fee, it can be expanded to include options for managing pregnancy and childbirth. Also inquire about children's insurance programs.
4. Completion of projects and handover
If you are not eager to go straight from the office to the hospital, it is better to start this process in advance. Who are your successors and on what issues? Write a plan for when key tasks will be completed and agree on it with your manager in advance. If long-term projects begin, think about who will duplicate you on them and will be able to complete them later.
5. Future mode of operation
Determine at what point you are ready to return to work and in what format. I had the experience of both a very quick exit from maternity leave and the opportunity to sit for almost two years - the difference is very noticeable. If the transition from one state to another is smoother, the adaptation process is easier. It is also possible to return to your duties on a part-time or part-time basis - please discuss this with your employer. If the specifics of the profession allow it, you can think about the option of remote work.
6. Benefits and benefits
Carefully study labor laws to understand what additional options you have. The simplest example of their application in practice is the reduction of the working day due to breaks to feed the child, which are required by law for working women with children under one and a half years old.
7. Your assistants
Talk to your loved ones about who can support you and on what issues. It is also better to look for a nanny in advance, so that you can gradually return to active work. social life. By the way, according to the law, not only the mother, but also the father and even the grandmother have the right to take parental leave. You can change roles in the process. I personally know examples when dads of the most serious people went on maternity leave. male professions. Refuse stereotypes, do what suits you!
8. Gadgets
Such as a breast pump, sterilizer, steamer, electronic baby swing and many others have saved millions of hours for young mothers and freed up their hands to solve other important tasks. You don’t have to buy all of them; many can be borrowed from friends.
9. Rest
For the birth of a baby and especially during the first few sleepless nights, you will really need strength. Think about the best time to take previously unused vacation days. The most common situation is that on the eve of maternity leave, a woman takes another paid leave, taking advantage of this legal right.
10. New features
Evaluate what new opportunities open up for you during maternity leave, for which you previously had sorely lacked time. Go to an exhibition, or get additional education - it all depends on your interests and level of ambition. Often this magical break can be a great springboard for the next career leap or starting your own business.
A modern woman is forced to simultaneously deal with education, career, housekeeping and, of course, her appearance. At the same time, the weakening of its activities in any of these areas is immediately condemned. Often, only waiting for the baby allows her to breathe easy and pay attention to her needs.
However, the time allotted by the state to the expectant mother on itself, flies by quite quickly. That is why it is better to start planning maternity leave long before it occurs - at the beginning of pregnancy.
Where to begin?
In the first trimester, you can write down in a notebook those desires that you have always wanted to fulfill. Of course, it’s better to exclude parachute jumping and slapping your boss from this list. For example, you have long dreamed go to a sensational performance or improve your English. With the advent of free time, all this becomes possible. Before maternity leave itself, you can analyze your notes, make a short list of desires and determine how and when you will begin to implement them.
No matter how relaxing your home environment may be, don’t forget to take care of yourself: You shouldn’t give up manicures and pedicures until you give birth, fashionable haircut, modern wardrobe. Pregnancy gives most women a charm that must be emphasized.
Of course, any pregnant woman is happy to buy things for her baby. To avoid unnecessary expenses, spend the first 5-6 months making a list of must-have purchases. Both thematic blogs and consultations with friends who have recently given birth can help with this. In addition, it is worth monitoring the prices of the goods you need in advance, which will allow you to save significantly later. This preparation will ensure that you have calm and leisurely shopping trips during your maternity leave.
How to continue?
Two free months will certainly give you the opportunity to put your house in order: change furniture, organize cosmetic repairs, and do interior design. Now you will spend time at home most of its time, so well-groomed and aesthetics should be characteristic of everything that surrounds you. Buy more indoor plants: they will not only serve a decorative function, but also purify the air.
To leave a memory of your 9-month heyday, attend several photo sessions. Bright, positive pictures will certainly lift your spirits and increase your self-esteem. The most good photos It is better to place it in a frame and hang it on the wall.
Try to listen to your doctor’s advice, visit him regularly and take all necessary tests on time. Taking care of your health and the condition of your baby will eliminate such troubles as hospitalization for later pregnancy.
Filled with good events and positive emotions, maternity leave is the best preparation for the difficult time of caring for a baby. By taking care of yourself and your surroundings in advance, you can make your future easier. home life, which will allow you to fully enjoy the role of a young mother.
Quite often, when communicating with other mothers, you hear: “I’m tired of sitting at home,” “I’m bored,” “I don’t have time to do anything,” “I’d rather go to work,” “my child is stopping me from watching TV,” and other similar phrases.
But there are mothers who have so many ideas and hobbies that they simply don’t have enough time to implement them all. I am very happy when I meet such mothers - as a rule, they are creative people. They charge me with positive energy and new ideas.
In fact every mother does a great and not at all easy thing. We bear the burden of responsibility for raising a child, as well as household and kitchen. At the same time, you need to look good and have time to rest.
Only after giving birth to a child did I realize that decree- this is a fabulous time that radically changes our lives: for some only for a while, but for others for the rest of our lives. On maternity leave, the mother has time to think and search for herself. Someone understands that they cannot live without their favorite job. Someone finds a new interesting job for themselves, sometimes even in a completely different field. And some mothers stay at home and continue to take care of their children and what they love.
It all depends on which mom-type you relate. My mom is a “Researcher” type, which is probably why I happily learn everything new, and every thing I’m interested in absorbs me completely, and I want to become a pro in my field.. You can too determine your mom type, if you are interested.
Try it, and maybe it will help you find interests you like and make your maternity leave not just a forced stay, but spend it for your benefit, throwing away the routine and finding the very thing that inspires you to do great things.
For example, I started sewing during maternity leave, and my beloved daughter inspired me to create. I am passionate about Anyutka’s development, because it brings me great satisfaction. I love coming up with creative activities for her, observing, looking for new approaches and growing with my daughter.
It is a great pleasure for me to improve myself and share my experience with others. And it’s an even greater pleasure to know that my experience is useful to other people.
Every woman can find her purpose. In my opinion, maternity leave best time for this. And in order to set aside time for “searching for yourself” and doing what you love, you need learn how to organize your life correctly and effectively.
First, mom needs to decide on her goals, and the sooner she does this, the better. Think, dream and be sure to write everything down and hang it in a visible place. Better yet, start one.
Secondly, learn to plan your affairs for the month, week and day. Keep a diary that is always at hand and write down in it all the tasks and purchases that need to be made during the week. It is convenient to use for operational matters.
To train yourself to plan, you only need 21 days. After this, planning will become firmly established in your life (it has been proven that to form a stable habit, a person only needs to repeat the same action for 21 days in a row without breaks).
It's great when you have examples of other mothers who inspire you to explore and create. And if not, no problem. Once you set a goal, you will definitely meet such people. If you really want to make your maternity leave useful, interesting and eventful, I recommend that you read the book by N. Zadorina “Guide to the intelligent use of maternity leave. 1000 days with benefit". I read it in one sitting. Natalya gives many practical examples that will inspire any mother. I really liked her idea of the One Family Concept and the practical part of the book with the workbook.
Judging by the reviews, this book helped many mothers think and take action.
I wish every mother to find herself, to use her maternity leave not only by raising a child and the routine of household chores, but also for the benefit of her beloved.
