Addicts are children
who play at adults.
In the previous article “Addiction – co-dependency?” I looked at the differences between dependent relationships and co-dependent ones. However, these relationships also have something in common...
What definitely unites them is that both relationships are immature...
Immature relationships
If we consider them from the point of view of the personality structure of E. Bern, then these are relationships that unfold on the Parent-Child plane. Their fundamental feature is that contact at the Adult – Adult level is impossible here due to the fact that the Adult position is “not activated”.In an immature relationship, two physically adult people have a pathological attachment to “childish” needs - security, unconditional love, unconditional acceptance.
Why for children? Because they first appear at an early age and are directed towards significant others (parents). The inability (for various reasons) to satisfy these needs in childhood leads to their fixation and attempts in subsequent (adult relationships) to complete the gestalt.
The noted needs are also present in mature relationships. However, here they are not so “tense”, they are not dominant, as in a situation of dependent relationships. The dissatisfaction of these needs manifests itself in a constant hunger for unconditional love, which the dependent person persistently tries to satisfy at the expense of his partner.
This gives me reason to characterize such relationships as immature.
Another feature of both dependent and co-dependent relationships is their complementarity or otherwise complementarity.
The complementarity of these relationships is a consequence of the fact that each of the participants in the couple is not holistic and harmonious. He identifies with one of the polarities of his Self, while rejecting the other. But the other polarity is abundantly represented in his partner: “The other has something that I don’t have.” And then the intrapersonal disharmonious structure of the self-parts unfolds (projects) outward - into the plane of relationships. For example, if one of the partners is organized, controlling, then he will unconsciously choose as a partner a person who is impulsive, not inclined to control, who needs constant evaluation and will be attracted to the “master of evaluations”...
See in more detail the article Complementary marriages and Complementary marriages: psychological portrait of partners.
In mature relationships, the Parent and Child positions are also involved, but these positions are rather presented in the form of a game. That is, partners in mature relationships may “play” Parent-Child with each other, while partners in immature relationships try to “play” Adult.
Let's consider the positions Parent – Adult – Child from the point of view of their functions.
The main function of a Parent is to give. It is embodied in more specific functions: care, guardianship, control, education, evaluation.
The main function of the Child is to take. Take care, attention, control, guardianship. And here there may be two different attitudes - an obedient child and a disobedient child (dependence on an adult, or counter-dependence). Obedient – accepts, needs, obeys. Disobedient - ignores, resists, is indignant...
Ego states Parent, Child are not just states, but also role positions and role stereotypes. A person in these states turns out to be unfree, automated, and programmed. The role is algorithmized and does not require choice. We call these behavior patterns. But essentially these are conditioned reflexes.
The ego state of the Adult, in this regard, is fundamentally different. The leading function of the Adult is choice: conscious and responsible. To do this, you need to collect information, analyze it, and make a decision. An adult is constantly in creative adaptation.
Structure and dynamics of codependent relationships
In codependent relationships, roles are rigidly structured and defined. The dependent “plays out” the role of the Child (and a bad, disobedient Child), while the co-dependent plays the role of the Parent. The co-dependent (from the role position of the Parent) educates, controls, teaches, shames, reproaches. Dependent (from the role position of the Child) – provokes, runs away, shows irresponsibility...The co-dependent partner turns out to be attached to the dependent one precisely by this Parental attitude of “giving”. When working with codependents, it becomes clear that their fear of loneliness and uselessness grows from the inability to give anything. “If you don’t give anything, then you are not needed!”
“If you try and give, then they need you.” It gives a feeling of strength, confidence, even love. In the codependent’s picture of the world, “Need” equals “Loves.” “Need” becomes the leading attitude in the life of the codependent. The biggest fear of a codependent is to face the experience “I am not needed.” The dependent person, in turn, fully provides him with such non-meeting, since he is constantly in need, living with the attitude “I want and “They owe me.”
The co-dependent is incapable of being in the position of a Child. He cannot accept, take for nothing: attention, love, care, help. All this in his picture of the world must be earned. The codependent has a history of early adulthood. In psychology, this phenomenon is called parentification. This is a child who has not finished playing, who has not lived through his childhood to the fullest. A period of a carefree, carefree state, when you are loved and given to you simply because you are a child, loved and given without any conditions.
During this period, he becomes fixated on this kind of “adult” behavior, literally like the formation of a conditioned reflex: he tried, he deserved it - get your candy! This way of relating to loved ones becomes automatic over time and is not consciously realized. Co-dependent clients, when they begin to think about their behavior in therapy, often cannot understand: Why do I need this? For what, for whom am I trying? What do I get out of this?
The dependent member of the couple, as I wrote above, is constantly in the position of the Child. Moreover, the Child is disobedient, provoking, running away. It has its own history and, because of this, its own psychodynamics. In his childhood, he was never sure that a significant object would not abandon him and constantly checked: would he abandon him or not? For him, “Loves or doesn’t love?” transformed into “won’t he give up?”
So in adult (but immature) relationships, he habitually provokes his co-dependent partner - he runs away with an eye, but will mommy run after him? His biggest fear is that he will be abandoned. The co-dependent does not allow him to face this fear, constantly clinging to it. However, only a substance, not a person, can give an addict a feeling of security - Love. Man is still unreliable in his experience.
Structure and dynamics of dependent relationships
The relationship of an addicted couple is more complex. In dependent relationships there is a rotation of role positions. Each of the partners can act either in the role of a Child or in the role of a Parent. What they fail to do is meet at the Adult-Adult level. This is an "unequal" or tilted relationship. Partners constantly move from the Child position to the Parent position. This position is unstable.I described in detail the dynamics of relationships between dependent partners in the articles The Broken Trough of a Complementary Marriage: The Tale of the Fisherman and the Fish, Doomed to Connect: The Trap of Hope, The Double Trap of Relationships, etc. on this topic.
Both dependent and codependent partners have a deficit of unconditional love and unconditional acceptance. They differ only in different ways of obtaining it. A relationship co-dependent chooses to be a good Parent, a substance dependent chooses to be a bad Child, a relationship dependent chooses to be either a Parent or a Child.
How to grow up in a relationship? Areas of work
The main strategy for working with the clients described, both in life and in therapy, is to learn to move out of the role positions of Parent and Child into the position of an Adult.The process of delayed maturation can be triggered both as a result of certain life events (life crises), provided the person has reflection, and as a result of the therapy situation. As long as each partner voluntarily remains in his position (in a co-dependent - dependent pair), or positions change synchronously (in a pair of two dependent relationships), the system is in a balanced state - the game is successful. But as soon as one of the partners begins to “step out” of their role, a threat arises for the system.
Usually, one of the partners begins to “ripen” initially. He develops personal boundaries, personal interests and desires, and this is unbearable for his partner. And here the “harmony” of the complementary pair is broken.
This is always a risk for a couple. The usual established system is collapsing. In such a situation, there are two ways out: the system can either completely collapse, or it can survive, having been thoroughly rebuilt.
And here a lot will depend on the “growing up” partner: how much he himself will be able to maintain himself in the position of an Adult and “invite” his partner there. To do this, he can use his own new experience of accepting his rejected parts, obtained either in a therapy situation or due to the successful experience of identity crises.
His super task in relationships is to remain in the Adult position, without falling into the Parent position, which, as a rule, is a lifesaver. This is possible through the constant cultivation of a non-violent attitude towards a partner. It is important, when in a relationship, to learn to offer, invite, wait, and not forcefully give the go-ahead! Invitation is an adult position. Invite your partner to choose and decide for himself. While forcing, instructing, teaching, changing, saving is the position of the Parent. This position is supported by the attitude: “You must be the way I see you!”, “You must change!”
As soon as the attitude of “giving” to the Other appears, violence or manipulation appears in the relationship. This is already a Parental position, an essentially arrogant position, stemming from the idea that there is something wrong with my partner! If such a position is at least somehow justified in a real relationship between an adult and a child, then in a relationship between two adults it is inappropriate. Violence, manipulation, coercion always cause resistance and protest. Even if a partner outwardly agrees to accept something, then in the future he will find an opportunity to give back - to “revenge”, to recoup.
Another area of work here could be research and development of attitudes toward growing up and becoming an adult.
The described clients often associate adulthood with fears: the burden of responsibility, hard life, financial problems, everyday worries.... At the first stage, it is important to explore and work through the fears associated with growing up. These fears can be a consequence of personal negative experiences of “encounters” with adulthood, or as a result of “infection” with a negative attitude towards adulthood from significant others.
At the second stage, it is important to discover the “bonuses” of adult life (independence, freedom, choice, self-reliance), which are initially not visible due to fears.
Problematic relationships in couples are not an easy task for partners. And there is not always enough patience to solve it. However, when partners have a mutual desire to maintain the relationship, there is always a chance. Moreover, there is always the opportunity to seek professional help.
I have described only general schemes of several strategies for working in a dependent couple. If this topic arouses interest, I will write a continuation.
“But my relationship is not that healthy,” you say. We have good news: if you both decide to grow together, it can become a better relationship, developing into an adult relationship with a secure future. In the meantime, let's find out what signs you can use to understand that your relationship is amazing. We found 13 of them.
1. You both think you're in a relationship.
A relationship cannot be called mature if its participants do not consider it a relationship. In the candy-bouquet period, this question, of course, has not yet been determined and this has its own charm. However, there always comes a time when the desire to avoid such certainty begins to threaten the relationship.
2. You know each other's opinions on important issues.
For example, do you want to have children? And where would you like to live, what do you think about official marriage, are you ready to seek professional help if problems arise in the relationship, what is cheating...
Just don’t give him round tables and conferences with or without reason. It's just better without. Discuss them when they come up, as they say, in life: after a movie, a book, a story from someone’s life.
Avoiding such questions is, unfortunately, a sure sign that for some reason a person does not need a mature relationship.
3. You don't shout
Or at least when you start to fume and raise your voice, you both know a time out is needed. No one needs anything said in the heat of the moment.
4. You are calm when someone is flirting with your man, and he is calm when someone is with you.
Nothing can be done about the fact that one of you may like someone else, and you both know it. Therefore, as long as the one of you who is being approached by this third person shows his reluctance to enter into a relationship with his behavior, the other has nothing to worry about.
5. You both think watching someone else enjoy themselves is terribly delightful.
The bed is not a place for decency. On the contrary, this is the place to take care of your partner's pleasure every time you decide to "make a beast with two backs."
6. You don't blush or faint from spending.
Because you have already made sure that your partner is aware of your financial situation, and you spend money keeping his comfort and pleasure in mind.
7. Sometimes you break up
Yes, yes, you are not Siamese twins. You can have your own hobby and this does not mean that you love your man less. Activities for which you take time away from it show that you are interested in all areas of life.
Yes, “You are everything to me” is so romantic, they write about it in books with beautiful men and women on the covers, but in fact it is called codependency, and this is a reason to consult a psychologist.
8. You can’t stand yourself or him thinking about breaking up.
Most of the time you are confident. Even when you quarrel. Both of you are talking about breaking up the relationship only in very extreme cases. If they come at all.
9. You brag about each other's work accomplishments.
And you read each other’s resumes enthusiastically and meticulously. People in healthy relationships want their partners to succeed at work, even if it means you spend a little less time together.
This also shows that each of you has a goal, and not just one, and not just one forcing the other to improve in their work.
11. An argument is not a reason for a long separation.
A time-out after a quarrel is good, but it should not drag on and should not frighten the other person. Blackmail by absence or boycott is unconstructive and hurts.
12. Household chores are your common concern.
Gone are the days of husbands reading newspapers while their wives cook borscht. In truth, sharing household chores is not only fair, but also quite sexy. This is a sign that you value the relationship, your partner’s time, and want to make the home a shared one.
13. You don't hack each other's phones and don't throw tantrums about what you find.
And if you did, then it’s better to be honest about why you felt insecure, instead of promising that it won’t happen again.
14. It’s easy and simple for you to be together. You are not at war
Passion, drama, uncertainty - there is something charming about it. It is also a sign of an immature relationship. Is it easier for you to experience pleasure every day, show your man love and accept it from him? Congratulations! This is a mature relationship that can last a long time.
Aspects of young people's immaturity
The immaturity of young people can be viewed in many ways. On the one hand, this is emotional, psychosexual, and generally speaking, personal immaturity. This kind of immaturity makes it impossible to build true love as an interpersonal relationship and, as a result, a person cannot take responsibility for himself and his family. On the other hand, we can talk about social immaturity associated with the lack of a profession, work, apartment, i.e., the basics that guarantee the life and development of the family. On the third hand, we can talk about the immaturity of relationships between young people, often infantilely relying only on jointly experienced pleasures. Finally, another aspect of immaturity is the improper relationship with one's own parents, so that it often seems impossible for a young person to leave his father and mother, although this is absolutely normal and prescribed by the Bible.
Incapacity for love
If we want to evaluate someone else’s or our own capacity for love, we must first calmly define the concept of “love.” This is especially important today, when widespread confusion of concepts and the associated denial of the highest values and authorities prevail. True love cannot end with verbal, even the most lofty declarations, but is manifested in actions and in concern for the good of another person. The highest good for another person is his own development, growth in humanity. In the light of Christian values, this growth and development is directed towards personal holiness and, as a result, leads to eternal salvation. Consequently, for Christian spouses, the highest manifestation of love is concern for the holiness of the spouse, for his salvation. Therefore, love is not a concern for the “good” for another person, understood as a material situation, possession, but a concern for the true good, measured by his growth, his development as a person. In short, love should make the other person better.
The biggest obstacle to showing love to others is that it must be done to some extent at the expense of oneself. Therefore, the obstacle that makes it difficult and often even impossible to show love is selfishness. A person ossified in his egoism becomes incapable of love. And a certain paradox is that extremely selfish people, moreover, who proclaim selfishness and individualism as a philosophy of life, try - absolutely contrary to logic - to build loving relationships and even create a family. And then they are very surprised and offended by their spouse, by those around them, by the whole world, and even by God himself, that their “marriage failed.” They make claims against the Church, which “in its cruelty and callousness” does not recognize divorces, but in their case...
For you need to have a lot of humility in order to draw conclusions from sad life experiences about your participation in the current situation and even about your guilt. Then even the most painful experiences can become an important impulse for reflection, re-evaluation of your life, for working on yourself, your character, your behavior in relation to other people, especially your spouse. It happens that this becomes what is called “happy guilt”, the consequence of which can be a huge benefit, and, as a result, there is a chance that it will bear the fruits of a real, constructive life change.
However, if there is no such humble disposition, then the person will continue to selfishly remain in error, considering himself ideal, absolutely innocent, and everyone around him will be guilty. Life experiences that bring any grief will then have no value and will be perceived as bad luck, the malice of dead matter, a conspiracy of evil forces, etc. There will be no benefit from such experiences, it will simply be suffering suffered in vain. So, selfishness hinders the development of a person’s personality and at the same time makes him incapable of love.
Personality development
A reasonable man who plans to start a family should think about the extent to which he himself is suitable for the role of a husband-father, and similarly a woman - for the role of a wife-mother. A person, after admitting that he is far from ideal (and every sane person should admit this), must decide to make the efforts necessary for his own development. We are talking here, on the one hand, about the general development of humanity, and on the other hand, about the development of the ability to perform specific tasks as a wife-mother or husband-father.
All people, both women and men, must make efforts to combat their own selfishness. One of the best ways is to work for the benefit of others, altruistic help without counting on one’s own benefit. This is a practical lesson that prepares you to show love. However, many people despise this type of activity. Those people who do this are called naive or even “moose”. It is paradoxical that these people, who look with contempt at “impractical altruists” and “naive philanthropists,” count on the fact that someday they themselves will experience great love. Without a change in the internal disposition, this expectation (and sometimes even the requirement) will probably not come true, because it is simply unrealistic. In today's world, full of inequality, in a certain sense, justice still reigns. Only those who make the efforts necessary for their own development and overcome, at least in part, their selfishness, have a chance of a reward - the experience of true love, as well as all the joys and happiness associated with it. Of course, we are talking about real love here, and not about the superficial pleasures that today's world calls love.
Human life is a process that can bring wonderful fruits only when a person accepts free, conscious and... a responsible decision about the need for one’s own development. Such a decision must be accompanied by a willingness to make certain efforts for this, sometimes painfully to struggle with oneself, with one’s shortcomings, weaknesses, and one’s selfishness. This decision must be reasonable, which means it must contain a model and have a goal to which the development process should lead. The only worthy goal to which life is worth dedicating is love. Thus, the development of personality should make a person capable of love.
However, development paths may be different. And although the most universal calling in life is the calling to marriage, it is not the only reasonable way to realize love in life. It is enough to remember Mother Teresa of Calcutta to see how beautiful the path of love can be for a person who devotes himself to Christ and serves the poor with endless zeal, selflessly, without counting on any reward. But it is precisely this - complete surrender of oneself to others, so characteristic of true love - that is absolutely alien to today's world. It should not be surprising that the world, having turned away from the civilization of love, is full of suffering and becomes a civilization of death and self-destruction.
Development in a certain direction
It is not enough that a person, working on development “so, in general,” more or less satisfactorily overcomes his egoism and thereby becomes capable of love. This condition is necessary for happiness, but it is not enough. A person must prepare and become capable of fulfilling his chosen calling in life. Some qualities should be cultivated by the future mother, and completely different qualities by the future father.
So, it is necessary to make efforts (one might say highly specialized) aimed at fulfilling the task in life or, if you like, the role of a woman-wife-mother or the function of a man-husband-father. For this highly specialized work on shaping oneself to be effective, one must first of all have a correct and, preferably, beautiful, as well as attractive idea of femininity and masculinity. In today's world, such patterns are quite effectively eliminated and the authorities whose statements on these issues could be considered reliable are called into question. (After all, true authority can be shaken, questioned and even ridiculed, but it cannot be destroyed, because it is based on objectively existing values). Complete confusion reigns and there are even attempts to create a new order in which female and male roles are completely randomly mixed, and there is not a drop of common sense in this.
In this situation, one should not even be surprised that people usually do not make efforts to educate themselves, to prepare themselves to fulfill the function of a father - the head of the family, or a mother - undoubtedly the first and main nanny and protector of every child. Moreover, the idea of such a highly specialized education has almost completely disappeared in the face of spreading liberalism and individualism, drowned out by the rhetoric proclaiming partnership, tolerance, relativism in everything, independence, freedom “from” ... any obligations or debt in relation to the wife, husband and even to your own children. People are often poorly prepared to build strong marital bonds and take responsibility for their marriage and family. As a result, the fate of marriage and children is decided by a fleeting emotional state (which is often confused with love). But in an immature person, feelings are not controlled by reason and will. Depending on many factors, feelings can and increasingly become the subject of deliberate manipulation. Thus, the strength of the marriage union of immature people is tested. Often it depends on chance, on luck (not to say, on an accident). In such a situation, no one should be surprised by the growing number of divorces, which are becoming a real disaster.
Ability to create strong bonds
The fruit of a person's growth and at the same time proof of his maturity is the ability to create strong bonds in relationships with other people. This is directly related to true fidelity, which is not the result of the lack of an opportunity for betrayal, but a conscious choice, a position that a mature person, regardless of external circumstances, is able to demand from himself and consistently adhere to until the end of his life.
And again, it must be noted with regret that the idea of a marital union of a man and a woman, ready to accept offspring, a monogamous, durable, lifelong, exclusive and faithful union, based on Love and Responsibility, is experiencing a serious crisis. Moreover, it is clearly disputed. Attempts are being made to place informal connections, so-called free unions or even homosexual unions, on an equal footing with such a marital community. This is clearly visible in the changes in laws, in the language of international documents, and even in school curricula, which are popularized with great determination.
As we mentioned earlier, there is no coherent model of femininity and masculinity in popular culture. There is also no model of a wonderful relationship between husband and wife, or a model of a good family. But there is rhetoric, militant, antagonistic slogans. Among these slogans, the predominant ones are those in which women aggressively attack the world of men. In an atmosphere of gender struggle, it is extremely difficult to build a benevolent, peace-loving union between husband and wife, not to mention the relationship between son-in-law and mother-in-law or daughter-in-law and father-in-law. If we are talking about the relationship between wife and husband, then the prevailing belief is that they should at least try to coexist peacefully. When it comes to relationships with parents, then not only is there no talk of efforts to create good relationships, but they are universally written off as an expense. And therefore, one should not be surprised that these relationships often do not work out in the best way, to put it mildly.
Self-education effect
A person who has decided to begin work on self-education must first of all want to get to know himself. Yourself as a person, yourself as a woman or a man, and then your body and its reactions, your psyche, your talents and your limitations. Self-knowledge should help you accept yourself more deeply and love yourself. It is extremely important for happiness in life to have love for myself, for who I really am, without, of course, refusing to work on my own development in order to become someone better, more perfect, more mature. Genuine self-love is necessary in order to be able to love another. Many do not know about this and suffer, unsuccessfully trying to love another person; These attempts are doomed to failure unless you first love yourself.
Knowledge and acceptance of oneself must occur at the beginning of the development of one’s own personality. Then you should learn to control yourself. This is achieved through painstaking, often ineffective, long-term work to master one’s reactions, behavior and actions, but one should also learn self-control in the area of expectations, desires and decisions.
All this must be subordinated to the goal chosen in life and the system of professed values. Then a person becomes his own master. He is free and in any situation, despite external pressure or internal motivations, he can do what he considers right, good, and do what will bring good results in later life. He is in complete control of himself and can dispose of himself absolutely freely. Only a mature person can sacrifice himself with full responsibility for the sake of love for another person (in marriage) and for God (in the priesthood, in monasticism and in other states of dedication). Finally, maturity makes it possible to remain faithful to one's chosen calling until death.
It is well known what it often looks like to “sacrifice oneself” to each other by young people who can no longer restrain too strong, uncontrollable impulses arising from bodily impulses. It is not surprising that such couples experience difficulties in building marital harmony and love relationships, since neither of them has sufficient power over themselves. It is impossible to create a mature relationship between two immature people.
The role of communication with one's own parents
It should be noted right away that mature, correct connections between children and parents can bring only and exclusively good fruits in their marriage. Mature, correct connections with parents, even very strong ones, do not create any threats to the child’s future family. On the contrary, they help a lot in building a new family, and leaving the parental home is an important event to which, in essence, the entire process of raising and self-education of the child was subordinated. After all, the main goal of education is for the child to achieve such a degree of maturity that he can function in the world completely independently, without the help of his parents. Therefore, wise parents raise a child so that he can leave their home and go out into the world, so that he can cope with everything on his own and... no longer need his parents. I can already see how many loving mothers have tears rolling into their eyes and the bitter words just begging to come to their lips: “Yes, now you don’t need me anymore.” However, we will deal with the issues of the feelings of mothers, that is, potential mothers-in-law and mothers-in-law later.
Let's return to the bonds between parents and children. Just as mature relationships do not create any threat, immature, incorrect relationships pose a huge danger for young spouses. The problem is that often the wrong connections are mistakenly assessed as very good. This happens when emotional closeness is taken as the only indicator of the quality of an existing connection.
It happens, for example, that a daughter and her mother are so “close” that the mother participates in her daughter’s emotional life without any restrictions. Sometimes the daughter, on her own initiative, sometimes at the request of her mother, talks in detail about how her dates with the guys go. Mommy cheers for her daughter, sometimes cooling her girlish ardor, but it also happens that she inspires her to fight and even pushes her into the arms of an often irresponsible guy who also does not know how to control himself and his body. Then the daughter reports to her in detail about how their relationship is developing. Naturally, without hiding anything from her mother, she also tells her about intimate details... Mommy no longer needs to read romance or erotic novels. She now has all this alive thanks to her beloved daughter.
It also happens that this “perfect” connection between mother and daughter continues after the daughter gets married. Then (although some may find this hard to believe) the daughter reports to her mother in detail about the events of the first wedding night and, in general, about everything that happens between the spouses... How this situation can affect the relationship of such a daughter with her own husband is easy to imagine imagine. However, the situation described above is not fiction, but only an example taken from life. And what are the consequences? Suffice it to say that this family, being on the verge of collapse, ended up in family counseling a year after marriage. The husband was at the limit of his endurance, and the wife could not understand what did not suit him.
A strong emotional connection that cannot be controlled by reason and will is an immature, incorrect connection and, as a result, destructive and destructive. This type of connection between adult children and their parents (most often the mother) has a very dramatic, if not fatal, effect and threatens the correct relationships in the families of the same children.
I described an example taken from life of a close connection between a mother and daughter with signs of dependence, or even emotional captivity, but I also repeatedly encountered an overload of uncontrollable feelings in the relationship between mother and son (I would like to say between mommy and son), regardless of the latter’s age . The immaturity of the emotional connection is manifested (among other things) in the inability to truly, completely separate from parents and create their own, separate and independent family.
Sometimes the inability to break away from parents takes on implausible proportions, and if this did not lead to life tragedies, then these cases could be described as good jokes. For example: a man in his thirties, after much hesitation and careful choice (not to say after going through too much), finally decided to start a family. However, while filling out the protocol in the church parish, the priest noticed that the man referred to “mommy” in many questions, although he was not asked about this at all. The priest, an experienced and wise shepherd, invited the man to a separate conversation, in which, very delicately, as best he could, he explained that the basis for starting a family is separation from one’s own parents. He also explained that one should continue to take care of parents, show them respect and even honor them, as God commands. However, from the day of marriage, the wife should become the most important woman in the world for the husband, and the mother should, in a certain sense, be abandoned. When the man heard the word “leave,” he stood up, or rather, jumped to his feet and, loudly exclaiming: “I will never leave my mother!”, he suddenly ran out, slamming the door. The wedding did not take place. Probably, in this case we can say - fortunately. This adult (judging by his years) man turned out to be unable to start a family due to his excessive, even paralyzing, connection with his mother. However, if in this case it came to starting a family, with a high degree of probability it could be said that he would constantly compare his wife with mommy and criticize her for everything in which she differs from mommy. Experience shows that this would undoubtedly be a source of serious marital problems.
It also happens that there is a close connection with the father, which interferes with proper marriage precisely because of the inability to break away and separate. Just as in the case of “mommy” we are usually talking about feelings, so in the case of the father these are mainly concrete, tangible, existing outside the sphere of emotions grounds for an excessively strong connection or even dependence. An example would be a son's job in his father's company. The father, being the boss, employer, financial manager, is usually omnipotent in his own eyes. He holds his son in his arms. Unfortunately, it happens that he transfers his power as a boss at work to his son’s personal and marital life. Then all the son’s decisions are subject to control by daddy. Often the son does not see anything wrong with this, especially when the father is an authority for him and, indeed, can give wise and judicious advice. Unbeknownst to the son, this state of affairs becomes unbearable for the daughter-in-law. I have encountered very tense situations that arose on similar grounds. It even got to the point that the father withheld the salary due to his son if he wanted to spend the money not in accordance with his father’s instructions. It also happened that the son did not receive any permanent income at all and each time had to ask his father for money, explaining in detail what exactly he wanted to spend it on. And even if the father allocated this money very generously, then such a situation, despite the fact that in a certain sense it may be convenient, is definitely bad from the point of view of building the unity and isolation of a young family. The spouses cannot make a single decision on their own, since they need to get the daddy's consent. Over time it becomes mentally unbearable.
Thus, the immaturity of young people, expressed in the inability to emotionally separate themselves from their own parents, always has a disadvantageous effect on the creation of marital ties between newlyweds. Sometimes it comes to very strained relationships, when phrases are shouted with crying or anger: “Choose: either mom or me,” “either your father or me,” or “parents or me.” Such a situation is already a signal of distress, and is usually preceded by dissatisfaction with the quality of the relationship with the spouse that lasts for quite a long time and at the same time growing anger and even hatred towards the “main culprits” - his (or her) parents.
However, in order not to “throw out the baby with the bathwater,” we repeat: good, mature connections with one’s own parents contribute to the proper departure from one’s home and the building of a new, one’s own family. At the same time, incorrect connections, in which uncontrolled feelings dominate, completely removed from the power of reason and will, are a mortal danger for a young family. Then, apparently, the most sensible advice for newlyweds would be to move to another area so that the actual separation from their parents occurs naturally. This separation is a fundamental requirement when creating a new family: “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh” (Mt 19:5).
Social immaturity
First I would like to define what I mean by social maturity. I mean its rather narrow sphere, namely: the ability to independently create conditions for life, security and family development. Thus, we are talking about material and housing grounds. It is not enough that newlyweds have a place and something to live for. It is important that they can support themselves with money earned by their own labor. In short, so that they don’t sit on their parents’ necks. Therefore, it is important that at least one of the young spouses (preferably the husband) has a profession, a job, and that he brings home money that guarantees the normal existence of the family. This does not have to be a lot of money for excesses, but it should be enough for running expenses, housing and necessary treatment.
It is easy to notice that young people in our country reach social maturity in this understanding late or not at all. The long process of obtaining an education dangerously delays the time of reaching maturity in years. This is especially important for women in terms of the best age to give birth to their first child. Moreover, a young man who studies conscientiously, graduates from college and thereby acquires a profession, has no guarantees that he will get a job at all, much less a job that guarantees a carefree existence for the entire newly created family. Not to mention the funds to buy or rent an apartment. Well, in this situation, you can, for example, lightheartedly express the wish that if someone is not able, then he should not start a family. It might, however, turn out that in fact very few are able to start a family, and then we would condemn the people to lightning disappearance as a result of extinction. However, such a wish would be clearly contrary to nature. Fortunately, people have natural forces of attraction that incline them to get married, start a family and pass on life to children.
What can we do? One could express a wish that the state would help, but at present there is not much hope for this. So, since newlyweds are incapable of starting life on their own, they should look to the help of their parents or family in a broader sense. This was precisely the meaning of the old custom of giving a dowry. Today, some may be amused by the fact that a dowry was collected for a girl from the age of six, that it should have contained so much bed linen, so many tablecloths, cutlery, etc. However, this made sense and, of course, was an expression of concern for a good start in life, a good start for the child in marriage.
Thus, it is quite natural that the family of parents helps to start the family of their children, who in the material sphere cannot get on their feet on their own. But this, however, carries with it a certain danger. It’s one thing to give something as a wedding gift or as a dowry, but it’s quite another to constantly give funds for operating expenses and maintenance. It is difficult to reproach what was given once (although, unfortunately, this happens).
Constant support of newlyweds by their parents is a bad situation, although sometimes inevitable (for example, if the spouses are studying). Young people do not get a taste of what it is like to live by the labor of their hands, which usually encourages effort and prudence in spending hard-earned money. Living at your own expense leads to increased responsibility and overall maturity; in a word, such a life is beneficial and develops. Parents' maintenance of children delays the development of young spouses and contributes to the emergence of claims on their part.
This situation, especially for a decent man who wants to be - in the good sense of the word - the head of the family, is mentally very difficult. Often the result of this is a state of irritation and claims towards everyone around him for the situation in which he finds himself. It’s a paradox, but it’s usually the parents who are primarily to blame here. Sometimes a man will blame himself for everything, lowering his self-esteem, violating a common sense of his own worth and... becoming unbearable for those closest to him, not excluding himself.
The feeling of financial dependence on parents always has a bad effect on the development of relationships within the family and on the sincerity of relationships with the parents of the wife or husband. I witnessed a situation where young spouses managed to be friendly and even very nice with their parents at the moment when they accepted money from them, and behind their back, without any shame, they openly “rolled barrels” at them.
I have repeatedly encountered the fact that parents, when giving funds to support their children’s families, set conditions. It’s not so bad when these were positive, mobilizing conditions like: “We pay because you study, and we want you to graduate from college for your own good and for the good of your family. But if you fail the session, we will stop giving money.” This condition clearly shows concern for the future fate of the family created by the child. However, I have also encountered situations where parents, who provide funds to support a student’s family, set unlawful conditions: “We help you on the condition that you do not have a child. And if he is conceived, then we can pay for an abortion, but you cannot give birth!” I will not comment on the proposal to finance the murder of my own grandson.
It also happens that parents set conditions that are not a manifestation of any concern for the child, but only a way that amounts to blackmail to maintain influence on the family life of their children. One striking example of this is described above, and we will deal more broadly with this problem in the section where we will talk about the “fault” of parents.
Financial assistance provided by parents can be a source of another danger for young spouses. It helps the newlyweds develop a position of making claims. They just get everything for free. And I have seen a lot of such examples.
It happened that the form of expression of claims and wishes was contrary to even the elementary norms of general culture, not to mention the commandment of honoring parents. Often, unfortunately, this is an extension of the period of childhood when parents did not make any demands on their children, when children did not even have basic responsibilities (“you just learn”), and as a result, there was no opportunity to learn responsibility.
Failure to impose age-appropriate demands on your own children is a fairly common parenting mistake. Often parents do this planned, attaching a variety of ideologies that justify this position: “I had a difficult childhood, let my child have the best.” Or: “I can afford that my child does not need to work, he can get everything from me.”
How sad it is that such parents are often completely unaware of the damage they cause to their own child by not instilling in him the skill of effort and work. After all, personal work is the basis for personal development and, as a consequence, for realizing oneself in life and achieving happiness. The happiness offered on the stalls of the world and bought with daddy's money lasts for moments. Real HAPPINESS, built by your own labor, lasts forever. A believer adds grace to his own work, and then his happiness - holiness - thanks to the Mercy of God will be very concrete and literally limitless and will last forever.
The joy of building “one’s own” is a motive for increasing the maturity of newlyweds and strengthening family ties
How can young people, who have not been accustomed to work and fulfilling duties since childhood, suddenly start doing this from their wedding day? Isn't such a wish completely illogical? Is this not another unrealistic, good wish, bordering on utopia, an absurd fantasy?
Not at all. Life confirms this with numerous examples. For there is such an attractive, so attractive, so desirable motive that it can help even an inveterate lazy person, a spoiled egoist, in changing his own life. This is the attractive power and joy of building a qualitatively new, joint, completely special life. Just as a man who discovers a new land steps upon unexplored land with a trembling arising simultaneously from the fear of the unknown and from curiosity, the joy of knowledge and conquest, in the same way young people can marry. They enter it with a thrill of excitement for the unknown, but also with a great readiness to meet the challenges life throws at them. Each thing made together or even just bought - their thing - can become a cause of great joy. Each difficulty overcome together can become a great joy - an inspiring joy, giving strength for further struggle. It is this joy of building a community, which can truly be enjoyed, that gives hope for development, for the growth of the personality of the young spouses, as well as for the strengthening of their family ties.
Even if young people entered into marriage insufficiently prepared and immature, having tasted this “we”, they can quickly make up for the shortcomings in life, overcome selfishness - and therefore become more mature. Even in a really short period of time, those couples who theoretically started from a better position, but did not take advantage of the supporting force that stems from the joy of building their own, joint, special life, can get ahead in building their family ties.
Unfortunately, many people, when they get married, are unable and do not even try to break with their own egoism. They ruin that wonderful chance for development that a new path in life provides. Over time, they become very difficult clients of family consultations, where they turn in order to seek their rights, to prove the guilt of another and to assert the impeccability of their own behavior. There is a kind of throwing around: I have done so much, and you must do the same amount, this is mine, and this is yours... A real bargaining for one’s own rights, soulless, without a drop of love, which manifests itself in caring for another person. These families are poor and it is really difficult to help them. The obstacle to their happiness is in themselves, in their, I would like to say, inveterate, and perhaps even programmed egoism. They didn't take their chance. It's a pity.
Let us emphasize, however, once again that the introduction; marriage creates a unique chance for genuine change in people and their approach to life thanks to an unusually strong, new motivation, whose name is “we”. Let us note that the transition from “I” to “we” is an important step in the transition from the life position of selfishness to love. True, this “we” may still have signs of egoism together, but already: there has been a separation from “I”. If “we” becomes more important than “I,” then there is hope that the next step will be a position in life where “you” is more important than “I.” And this is the position of true love. From it flows true service; family and even dedication to the family - that is, a life position that is so necessary, so forgotten, frankly speaking, unfashionable and even officially; is not recognized and is ridiculed.
The trap of “fashion for selfishness” and “fashion for moral disorder”
Perhaps never before in the history of the world has so much been said about love, completely distorting its essence and meaning. Everywhere, actions that have nothing in common with it and even refute it are called love. Take, for example, the famous “proof of love”... Various ideologies are being developed that justify selfishness - an immature and, as a result, life position that does not bring happiness. This is done on the basis of the idea of individualism, which proclaims: “You yourself are the highest value.”
In passing, we note that individualism is insidiously and confusingly built on the basis of pseudo-Christian personalism. Personalism shows the value and dignity of each individual, each human being from conception to natural death. Individualism proclaims: man is the highest value (it starts out great). You are a person, which means you are the highest value. If so, then, as a human being, you have the right to your own happiness. Read: your vision of happiness, which may have nothing to do with true happiness and may even be incompatible with it.
And so I hear on a radio program, in which a psychologist answers questions from listeners, how a woman asks: “What should I do? I have a husband and three children. We have been married for 9 years now. But then I accidentally met my high school sweetheart. Our love has come to life again. Now I am already sure that this is my true, great love. I found the man of my life. What to do?"
And Ms. psychologist answers: “You are an adult woman. You must make the right decisions. Love in life is the most important thing. You must be honest with yourself. You have one life. You must leave your husband and follow the voice of your heart, true love...”
I'll leave this without comment. However, the power of radio, television, newspapers and magazines cannot be neglected. The impact is deliberately destructive, destroying marriage, family, the image of beautiful love, and as a result, human happiness. The purpose of such influence is known. When in the world of adults it is unknown what we are talking about, then we are talking about... money and related ideologies. Huge money is made on human weaknesses, on moral disorder, especially in the area of sexuality. This money is the driving force behind the creation of a fashion for immorality, a fashion for the destruction of authority and the world of values, especially the highest.
It is easy to imagine how much industry would go bankrupt in one day if suddenly, by some miracle, people began to unite into strong, unbreakable marriages, into married couples who love each other honestly and sacrificially, are faithful to each other until death and are ready to accept and raise every child conceived in their union. Let us note that this idea is proclaimed by the Catholic Church. This means that the Church is the main enemy of those who make their dirty deeds out of chaos in the sphere of sexuality. A lot of money has been invested in undermining the authority of the Church, but the results are also visible. From the point of view of the good of the people, such actions are murderous, and we note that this is done with our own hands, the hands of the inhabitants of our country. Without a doubt, such actions can be called suicidal. Anyone who can think independently and logically should come to similar conclusions.
Translation from Polish
Marriage: can you prepare for it? ( Psychologist Mikhail Zavalov)
Mistakes of premarital relations ( Nun Nina (Krygina), Candidate of Psychological Sciences)
How to prepare for family life ( Dmitry Semenik)
No one has yet managed to escape first love... Passionate and uncompromising, the one that loses its mind, does not forgive mistakes, and is ready to kill for the mere thought that swan fidelity does not exist. No one has ever escaped immature love! But if first love, so inexperienced and so “green”, is everyone’s lot, then can we say that with age, experience and a ton of salt eaten, every couple is doomed to mature love? For wise love, which does not put forward conditions, does not hold back, does not get jealous and knows how to forgive? No you can not! If this were so, then the word “divorce” would disappear from dictionaries, the courts would go bankrupt due to the lack of divorce proceedings, and the Earth would become a paradise. Why doesn't every love grow up with the relationship? How to recognize immature love? How to give it a chance to mature and grow into love that will never go away, because no one fences it with a cage of conventions or clips the wings of freedom?
"Little" adults fall in love
“Fall in love,” we say, and go headlong into the pool. “To fall in love” - the English say, and fall into love. Recklessly, uncontrollably, as if it were true, they are jumping into the abyss upside down. However, no matter how this word sounds in different languages of the world, anywhere on the planet the “leap into love” is done youthfully and carelessly, as if they had given a bribe to the Guardian Angel and agreed that if the abyss has a bottom, then he will definitely catch it and not give crash. But angels do not take bribes, and we, relying on God, create insurance for ourselves out of illusions, and at the same time shift responsibility onto him. Falling in love is the prerogative of youth, which, in order to gain experience, needs to get more bumps.
Adult mature individuals do not go anywhere and do not fail. They enter into love, and do not flirt with falling in love. For them, love, if it falls, then falls upward, because true love lifts, elevates and allows you to grow. It inspires and gives that feeling of freedom that you will never feel if you are independent from a relationship. Mature feelings do not destroy each other’s freedom, but unite them without depriving them of their own integrity. Truly lovers do not elevate love to an absolute, because they recognize their imperfection. They grow up with their feelings: they learn to love without the right of possession, without demanding worship, and without insisting on reciprocity. They respect themselves, but they respect even more the feeling that can suffocate from too tight a hug, so they are ready to retreat when the space becomes small. It is maturity in relationships that protects you from the very step that separates love and hate.
Signs of Immature Love
We are all hostages of the delusion that love is a storm of passions. A loud and humiliating showdown with accusations, grievances and claims, and then the same stormy reconciliation with apologetic passionate sex, obsessive atonement for sins and promising vows. Love is very easily torn apart by storms, just as the wind does with sails, and if they are not removed during a storm, then the sailboat will never reach its shores. It’s the same with relationships: mature ones know how to behave during an approaching storm, immature ones go to the bottom.
Monologue of mature love
“I want to immediately agree with you on important things. Show me places where my gaze should not fall. A telephone with calls, a computer with passwords, a notebook with secrets, a closet with “skeletons”, a soul with pain? Specify the boundaries of your personal space. And not because you have secrets from me, but because I recognize a person’s right to have his own small state, which can only be entered by invitation. I promise not to require a lifetime visa to visit and not to set my own rules. This is your space of personal independence, thoughts, feelings, experiences, past and future. I also ask you to respect my right to personal territory. Knock before you enter so that you will be greeted by me and not my “cockroaches.”
If you suddenly cheat on me, leave this revelation in that closet with “skeletons”. Because what you don’t know doesn’t exist! This knowledge can hurt my soul, but how can I inspire you with a wounded soul? I promise to do everything to remain interesting, beautiful, smart, wise, affectionate, unpredictable and loved for you for as long as possible! After all, a beloved woman has no rivals! I also want to ask you for forgiveness in advance for my possible betrayal. I am not ideal! I'm just a woman... Promise to forgive me, even if you never know. If I cheat on you with my body, it will not be because I don’t love you... If suddenly I stop loving you, you will be the first to know about it, and before I give my soul and body to another man.
I submit to you completely, for I trust you infinitely. But my submission will never become a banal female reaction to someone else’s attention to you from the outside. I will always be proactive. I will be able not to shift the responsibility onto you for the fact that I dissolved in you and in my love without a trace, forgetting about self-respect. I understand that it is impossible to love a woman who does not love herself. I will exhaust myself in self-improvement trainings, fitness classes, libraries and cooking classes, just to always remain interesting in our relationship. I will be demanding of myself... and of you! I will tell you honestly where I see your imperfections. I don't want to pretend that I'm okay with everything and then complain to my friends about something that you may not even know about.
But if I suddenly don’t have enough feminine wisdom to understand that I have ceased to be interesting, important, desirable, loved to you, and you leave for someone else before I understand it, don’t worry, I won’t manipulate you and our love. For me, true love is not when you ask God for a person to be yours, but when you pray to heaven that he just be, and be happy! With or without you... I am ready to give you to someone else, but only on the condition that you will be happier with her than with me. But I will always remember that you can receive love only by giving it, you can lose it by holding it in a death grip, and in order to preserve love you need to give it wings!”
An immature relationship model involves searching for oneself, while a mature one has long found oneself
At first, when your reproductive gadget has finally grown, and the opposite sex has begun to take you seriously, you, having found a cliff higher up, have a good run and with Tarzan screams (or screams of ki-ya-ya-ya - depending on what cartoon you grew up on), you die into the abyss. And you do it so confidently, as if you had already rubbed shoulders with God and given a bribe to the angel who promised to catch you. But this is only half a fool.
The main part begins in the process of a relationship, where the dreamer-head believes with no less confidence - this is adult life, where you, all so brutal, will now meet her mother, talk to her about children, persuade her to do the same and, in principle, you can safely put check the box next to “relationship master”. Applause. Ovation. Delight. And then - knock-knock, and reality smears youth on the windshield.
What is the difference between childhood games and mature relationships? Let's open the locker and look for the corpse
There is such a stable expression in English as “to fall in love,” which literally translates as “to fall into love.” In England you don’t fall in love, but fall into love, which, in my opinion, very well characterizes youthful maximalism. Adults don't fail anywhere. They fall into love. Because love is not for falling down and eventually breaking your neck. True love should lift, elevate, crossing out the atmospheric limit. If love humiliates and knees you in the groin, it is not love. This is your bad imagination or the playwright's plans.
Well, how can you understand whether this is a fun relationship or a promising merger of two corporations?
Firstly, everything should be easy and natural from the very first second of the short circuit. No abstruse tensions and stupid scandals out of the blue. All these emotional correspondence, calls and hours of chatting hammer huge nails into the coffin where your future lies. Drama for children. A drama for those who don’t know how to exist in a real relationship, indulging in imposed childhood fantasies about wild and stuffy love.
Love is simple. Possibly the easiest thing you've ever done. It should happen in the most natural way.
When you love with a response and there is no doubt about each other’s feelings, peace of mind sets in, in which you can safely fuck the whole world.
Immature relationships ask questions. Mature people answer them.
The milk drinkers arrive in constant doubt - does she love me? – what if he changes? – will we be together in a couple of months?
Mature relationships don't need questions. They have known all the answers for a long time, better than Google.
They feel comfortable and protected, clearly realizing that they have the answer to the main question and that is enough. It’s as good as if, after half a liter of whiskey, they offered you a glass of champagne, but you tactfully refused. You'll catch courage, of course, but then you'll be vomiting for much longer.
Immature relationships leave you with unfulfilled desire. Mature - give everything you need
There is an emptiness in youthful friction that constantly excites. It's like something is missing. She comes to you when you fall asleep and devours you, greedily tearing off pieces when you part, even if only for a couple of hours. It exists even when you are together, but sex and endless chatter, like aspirin, thin the blood and temporarily pacify vigilance.
There is no emptiness in adult relationships. There is no such strain. There is no feeling as if something was taken away from you when she left for work. Adult love fills all the cracks.
Children's dreams boil down to the fact that you are one complete work, separating which you get inferior halves. Being immature, people look for their soulmate, trying to fill their gaps.
In adulthood, people accept the fact that there are two of them, and each of them is whole. Therefore, their desire is to ensure that two people become the best they can be, and not deprive themselves of limbs in attempts to fit into the right puzzle.
Immature attitudes quickly lose drive. Mature people motivate you to do great things. It’s great to be stuck in bed all day long and not do a damn thing, but in the end you still have to get up, and if idleness is replaced by the desire to work hard and push new heights, then love was able to move into the motivating phase and then there is every chance of giving birth to a daughter and naming her Gennady.
Only in immature relationships are SMS fights possible. Adults decide everything in person. Therefore, if your day looks like a text battle, you can safely not count on the future. Fighting is natural. SMS showdowns are nerdiness on the level of those chats that are offered to you on every porn site.
If you have a question, meet, ask, because auto-correct and a misunderstood smiley are just waiting to ruin the next relationship. Due to our inexperience, it seems to us that long endless hours of writing boring philosophical text messages are proof of great love, but in essence it is an argument for the sake of an argument.
An immature relationship model involves searching for oneself, while a mature one has long found oneself
Mature relationships work only for mature, full-fledged people who have made their minds up long ago and are looking not for additions, but for partnership. Trying to decide at the expense of another cuts off the possibility of having a full-fledged relationship.
In immature relationships, people are closed to each other. In adults, they have a healthy likelihood of communicating with others. Random people will inevitably fall into our lives, creating circumstances and opportunities. And if in youthful cretinism every such contact is jeopardized by “everything,” considering paranoia to be God, then in adulthood people are confident enough in themselves and in their love not to fart in vain.
There are no schedules for adult uncles and aunts. Everything is going as usual. There is no “good” or “bad” and when to give a ring. If it's love, you will feel it and take a step on time. Young people often like to make up rules and set deadlines, thinking that time is the only reason to continue or end a relationship. But this only works when you boil chicken.
True love does not judge the past, because when you accept each other, everything becomes cigarette ash, which, unless you are completely asthmatic, is blown away by one fume. Everything else is just an attempt to torment, cripple and experience bad pain, which is so good for writing new poems, but is no good in life.
