Hello. After reading the article “I can’t be a mistress all my life,” it was as if I was looking in the mirror. But in my situation there is an important “but”! I'm pregnant, my boyfriend really wanted this child, when we started dating, there were a lot of conversations on this topic. Now he loudly declared that he was tired of our relationship (the fact is that he lives in another city and came to see me every evening after work, but this journey took him no more than 20 minutes), plus the costs have increased. He said that if I want, I can have an abortion, and that’s all over! I’m 4 months old, I’ve already seen my baby on an ultrasound, I can’t go to this, but I can’t do it without my loved one! For the sake of this man, I broke my contract with a company abroad, I broke my marriage with my former chosen one. He burst into my life and turned everything upside down within a year. It seems to me that he was simply afraid that I might demand his divorce, but there was never even a hint on my part. I understand that the situation is banal and as old as time, but maybe you will know better from the outside and you can at least somehow help me with advice.
Svetlana, Ukraine, Zhytomyr, 25 years old / 04/01/08
Our experts' opinions
Alyona
Another confirmation that for the sake of a married man who takes the wrong turn, cheating on his wife with you, you shouldn’t sacrifice anything that you might regret later. In general, of course, let me not believe that you did not have any long-term plans for this person. You refused to pursue a career, left your fiancé in order to periodically spend time with someone else’s husband? And she decided to give birth to a child from him solely out of great love? Then what is all this talk about abortion? Or was the child still an attempt to change the situation in his favor? And since the attempt failed, thoughts began to torment me: was it all in vain and is it worth getting rid of the pregnancy before it’s too late? You know, all this, of course, is sad. But I would recommend taking the positives from the current situation. First of all, you will become the mother of a wonderful baby. Secondly, now you see for yourself what kind of man your lover was - a cowardly, deceitful, selfish bastard who deceives women, takes advantage of them, singing to them what they want to hear, and then leaves them in a difficult situation. A man who offers his woman to have an abortion, to kill a child just because the pregnant woman has become inconvenient and uninteresting to him is not the kind of person for whom you should sacrifice even one day of your life. So consider yourself lucky to find out everything about your lover before he stole ten years of your life from you. After all, you could wake up not at 25, but at 35 years old - no friends, no reliable man nearby, no family, no children. Tell him thank you for his frankness and start building your life without him.
Sergey
Let's think sensibly. I understand that this is not typical for you, but tense up. So. First of all, let's not pin all the blame on the guy. You broke the contract with the company. On their own initiative. As far as I have learned in my life, people never give up what they really want. So let's be honest - you didn't really want to go anywhere. And the man who turned up was at that moment only a reason not to do what I didn’t want. Otherwise, everything would have turned out differently, and now you would write something like: I’m here, he’s there, but I have an interesting job, tell me, why the hell do I need him. Actually, you broke up with your ex-boyfriend for the same reason. There was nothing there. I just needed to get married, my relatives, friends, and familiar ears were buzzing, so I got ready. And as soon as the opportunity presented itself, I dropped everything. As I understand it, there wasn’t much going on with my current comrade at first either. It was just a protest against everything. So I protested. In general, so far everything is correct. You don't have to do what you don't want to do. What is wrong is that you decided to consider a person who was just a tool to achieve a certain goal as “the one.” No, it is understandable, of course, that you had to somehow explain your actions, and great love explains everything, but still. You knew he was married. You knew he wasn't going to start a family with you. Well, tell me, what did you achieve by having sex without contraception? In my opinion, you just wanted him, having learned about the pregnancy, to give up everything, get married, and everyone around would say that yes, that’s right, that you didn’t go anywhere, there’s such love here. Then, of course, everything would fall apart, but, as they sang, that’s for later. So you wanted to decide own problems. I decided. Well done. Now about what to do now. In my opinion, in order for a man to be discouraged from wandering left and right in the future, it is worth teaching him a lesson. The best way- financial. Calculate approximately how much you lost due to the fact that you did not go abroad, add the cost of maintaining a child under 18 years of age and tell your friend that you are ready not to annoy him in any way if you receive this amount. Otherwise, both his wife and everyone around him will find out about everything, since you are going to sue him to establish paternity and demand alimony... You have nothing to lose. He already left you. Therefore, no mental tossing and pity. In the end, you need to leave at least something as a keepsake, besides the child and a bunch of problems. In my opinion, Ukrainian bank notes of large denomination or euros are best suited for this purpose. You can, of course, use American dollars, but the exchange rate is too painful Lately disadvantageous.
Eternal triangle: husband-wife-lover. An inexhaustible topic for films, novels and textbooks such as “How to take your loved one away from your wife” or “How to get your husband away from a young bitch.” From century to century, women standing on opposite sides of the barricades are tormented by the same questions.
What tricks do rivals go to in the fight for the chosen one! And men, who have the honorable right to choose in this game, are rarely guided by feelings. Unfortunately for mistresses, they, as a rule, are in no hurry to sacrifice their usual everyday life with their seemingly boring wife on the altar of a new passion. We tried to figure it out with a psychotherapist about the reason for such attachment of the stronger sex to the family hearth.
From childhood, mothers instill in their daughters the immutable truth: “God forbid you, daughter, to fall in love with a married man. There’s no way around it, but you still can’t get him out of his family.” At all times, claims to someone else's husband have caused indignation and condemnation in society. Nevertheless, the axiom “you can’t order your heart” has always worked without fail, because in the famous phrase “And I love a married man,” for women the main word is “love.” And the hope of taking a loved one away from the family, as we know, is the last to die.
But you can’t go against the statistics: only 1 out of 20 men is ready to leave their family for their mistress. The passions of the rest can only come to terms with the humiliating position of a friend “from time to time” or seek their happiness with another, unringed gentleman.
BORSHCH IS SWEETER THAN LOVE
- I fell in love! – my friend, 25-year-old Natalya, joyfully told me. “He is the man of my dreams.” Gentle, handsome, passionate, and with money. He has only two drawbacks - a wife and a 17-year-old daughter. Well, yes, this is a solvable problem - we’ll separate it!
Natasha did not pay attention to my skeptical grins and reasoning that she was stepping on a rake as old as time. - All his friends say that Vladik’s wife is quarrelsome, nasty, he was never happy with her. And the daughter is already an adult... And what kind of love can there be after 20 years of marriage! Besides, she’s 42 and I’m 25—do you feel the difference?
I lost that argument - seven months later I drank champagne in a restaurant to celebrate the happiness of Natasha and her chosen one, Vladislav. However, six months after the wedding, a friend called me in tears: “It seems that Vladik has a mistress, he began to disappear somewhere in the evenings, when he comes home he refuses dinner. Eh, they warned me that if a man cheated on his first wife, then he would cheat on his second!”
Imagine Natalya’s surprise when, after the interrogation she carried out with passion, her husband admitted that the mysterious rival turned out to be... his ex-wife. Vladislav explained that his wife and daughter constantly need his help around the house - they are not strangers to him, he cannot refuse. Natasha considered the reason valid and did not object to her husband’s absence from his former family. And he became more and more gloomy and irritable.
– What’s the matter, what’s wrong with you? – Natasha pestered with questions.
And one day Vladislav honestly admitted:
– I can’t... It’s pulling me there!
– If you can’t live without your mymra, come back! - Natalya exploded, deep down confident that her beloved would not go anywhere. But he quickly packed his things and left for his wife.
“Understand,” he later justified himself, “you are better than her, but... With you, it’s like being at a luxury resort, but from any resort you want to return home. A dear wife, like a mother or sister, cannot be erased from the life of a loved one. Why am I so used to her borscht and evening coffee with cream?
Andrey Shuman, psychologist: “There is an opinion among mistresses that the most important thing is to divorce a married man and marry him to yourself. But this is far from true. As a rule, the most difficult thing is not to get a married gentleman, but to keep him. After all, in at least 70% of cases, men break up with their second wife within a year and return to their first. The stronger sex is afraid of everyday changes. Within a few months, when passions have subsided, they begin to yearn for the old home. No matter how hard the second wife tries, she still will not be able to provide the man with exactly the same living conditions as the first wife. She is, after all, a completely different person, with her own habits and life priorities. You can cook better, do laundry cleaner and clean the apartment more thoroughly than the “ex” of your chosen one, but you cannot do it exactly the same way as her. Household habits are one of the most important reasons why a man stays with his first wife. And here the already well-known phrase “the family boat crashed into everyday life” takes on a different meaning.
LOVE AND MARRIAGE HAVE NO CONNECTION?
When 28-year-old Leonid met 19-year-old beauty Lyudmila, he had already been a member for 4 years. civil marriage with someone the same age. But, according to the young man, there was never much love in this union, and it was never possible to have a child.
“Literally a week after we met, we began a whirlwind romance,” says Lyudmila. – Despite the modest salary, Lenya gave me expensive gifts, showered me with flowers and assurances of love. And, most importantly, he constantly promised that he was about to confess to his missus that he loved another woman.
“Just about” lasted a whole year. Leonid always had excuses for why he couldn’t decide to break up. Then he said that his wife had now lost her job, and we had to wait for her financial situation to normalize. He lamented that his mother loved her current daughter-in-law to death and could not bear the news of breaking up with her without prior preparation. And a constant refrain was talk about how difficult it was to kick a person out of the house: Leonid’s common-law wife was from out of town and did not have her own home in Moscow.
In the end, Lyudmila switched to extreme measures. The girl stopped taking birth control pills and a few months later she told Leonidura the good news: he would soon become a dad. “I was sure that this news would delight Lenya, and he would immediately separate from his wife,” recalls Lyudmila, “after all, he told me so many times how he dreams of a child.” But my words didn’t seem to make him very happy.
Leonid asked for a few days to think about it. And then he told the amazed Lyudmila that he wanted to leave everything the same. He will not abandon the child, he will visit and help financially, but he will not leave his common-law wife. Leoni managed to explain intelligibly why he made such a decision. He just mumbled that he loved Lyudmila, but he couldn’t make another woman unhappy either.
Andrey Shuman, psychologist: “Women should remember: only 5% of married men destroy their family for the sake of a new lifelong friend. Unfortunately, women and men have completely different attitudes towards love and marriage. For the fair sex, these are interconnected concepts. If a woman loves, she wants to be a wife, lover and friend in one person for her chosen one, feed him dinner and wash his socks. And for men, the word “love” is most often associated with sex, entertainment, but not necessarily with life together. For men, marriage is a familiar way of life. If life suits you, why get a divorce? For love? Such love is quite possible “there”, but life is here. A man can tell everyone around how tired he is of his wife, what a terrible character she has, but nevertheless be very attached to her. Habit is a terrible force, stronger than love. At the same time, men can endlessly convince their mistress that they will leave for her forever, and sometimes they themselves sincerely believe this. But they subconsciously look for a reason to endlessly postpone the decisive step. Taking a walk on the side and returning home is one thing, but divorce without the right to rehabilitation is completely different.
Lyudmila’s main mistake is an attempt to take Leonid away from his wife with the help of a child. As practice shows, the pregnancy of a mistress is not a reason for a man to leave his wife. At the same time, he can quite conscientiously fulfill his paternal responsibilities: give money, visit the baby, without offering his hand and heart to his mother.”
WIFE IS MINE. FOREVER
Oleg married at the age of 20 not out of great love, but rather out of despair: the woman he loved married someone else. In addition, Oksana, a girl who accidentally turned up to a guy at a disco, within a few weeks of meeting her, found herself in “ interesting position" Without thinking twice, the young couple got married, gave birth to their first child, and then two twin girls. They lived quietly, no better and no worse than an ordinary Moscow family. Until, quite by chance, at a graduate meeting, Oleg ran into Maria, his very first love. By that time, the woman already had two unsuccessful marriages behind her.
“When I saw her, I immediately forgot about my wife and children,” Oleg recalls. – All thoughts were only about Masha, as if we had not parted with her for 17 years. She also looked at me with loving eyes and said that the past was a mistake. We began a whirlwind romance. My wife suspected about our relationship, but at first she turned a blind eye to everything. A few months later, Maria insisted that Oleg file for divorce and move in with her. Without thinking twice, the man obeyed his wife in everything. Oksana surprisingly calmly took this news and agreed to the divorce.
Having gone to Maria, Oleg continued to regularly come to the first family as a “Sunday dad”: to help the children with homework, to help his ex-wife. One day a man found an unknown person in the kitchen cooing with him. ex-wife. Like a deceived Othello, Oleg arranged a debriefing for his ex-wife. To which I received a reasonable answer from her: “You yourself left me for another woman, I also need to arrange my personal life.”
“When I saw a strange man in my kitchen, I just went crazy,” says Oleg. “So, now he’ll sleep with my wife, play with my children, watch TV?!” I love Masha, but Oksana is not a stranger to me either, after all, we lived together for so many years and gave birth to three children. To the amazement of both his second and first wives, Oleg began to visit the family he left behind more and more often. And in the end he announced to Maria that he was ready to communicate with her only as a mistress, and would return to live with his first wife.
Andrey Shuman, psychologist: “All men are terrible owners. And what they allow themselves, they are not ready to tolerate from their other half, even their ex. In my practice, there are many examples when husbands returned from their mistresses to their wives after learning that their “ex” had a boyfriend. They never cease to consider their ex-spouse as their property and deep down they are sure that if they want it, they will be able to return to the family. In addition, numerous sociological surveys show that men initially place completely different demands on their lover and wife. If for the first the main thing is beauty and sexuality, then for the second the most important quality is fidelity. Many men do not internally change their attitude towards their ex-wife even after a divorce and continue to guard their wife’s honor. Often, the news of her affair even provokes a new wave of feelings.”
ADVICE FOR MARRIED PEOPLE
Experts say that a man is capable of leaving his wife for his mistress only if the relationship in the family went wrong long ago and thoroughly and the new woman turns out to be just a reason to leave. If this is not your case, then the force is on your side: men are not prone to serious changes in life.
Force your husband to spend as much time as possible on his family so that he doesn’t have enough energy for his mistress. Most likely, a man who is completely tormented by the “double load” will prefer to stay with you, because you are more familiar and familiar.
Even if he did tell you about his decision to leave for someone else or has already left, do not throw endless hysterics, on the contrary, try to make him feel comfortable and warm with you.
Pretend that you also have a fan. Perhaps his possessive instinct will bring him back into your arms.
TIPS FOR LOVERS
If after a year (maximum two) of a relationship with a married man, he has not decided to part with his legal wife, you will forever remain only his mistress.
Don't believe promises! Anyone who really wants to change their life will not talk about it, but will take a decisive step.
Tell him that the status of your mistress does not suit you, and stop dating him. If you are more valuable to him, he will accept your terms. And if not, decide whether you need such a relationship.
Don't expect that you are the lucky exception to the rule. Consider your married lover as a temporary hobby until there is no more worthy candidate
Treason has existed at all times. However, only at the present time people still cannot overcome this “relationship disease”, although they are quite equal, self-sufficient and independent. in the hope that her husband will be faithful. However, it becomes much more difficult to accept the news of betrayal if the husband also happens to be pregnant.
Psychologists will not insist that you calm down, pull yourself together and remain calm. It's almost impossible! A woman who trusted her husband and remained faithful herself will always be shocked by the news that her husband has a mistress, and who is also pregnant. The wife will initially experience anger, anger, depression and deep disappointment.
You need to allow yourself to experience the whole range of feelings. The only condition is not to delay in order to begin to resolve the situation. First, allow yourself to experience the emotions that arose as a result of your husband’s infidelity and the pregnancy of his mistress, and then after some time, proceed to other decisive actions.
How to proceed?
If you find out about your husband’s betrayal, whose mistress also happens to be pregnant, you are probably overwhelmed with emotions. How to proceed after those few days when you allowed yourself to get angry and blame your spouse and his mistress for all the troubles? Now you need to realize that you need to act and be responsible for the consequences of your actions.
Start with the following:
- Take control of your emotions. Don't do it harshly. Just start to understand that you can be angry and grieve for the rest of your life, but you suffer from it and waste your own time. If you don’t want to suffer all your life, then it’s time to put your emotions aside and start solving the problem.
What you think about what happened depends largely on your desires and feelings. If you still love your husband, then you can think about what pushed him to cheat. It will be more pleasant to think that everything is his fault. However, a man will never go to the left unless certain factors contribute to this. Surely something was not going very well in the relationship between the spouses, which is why the man decided to commit a treacherous act.
The fact that you find out the reason for what happened does not justify the man. Whether he deserves your trust or love is up to you to decide based on how the man will behave and whether you are ready to forgive him. However, you should understand that if you forgive your husband too quickly, he will not “learn” his lesson and will not appreciate your nobility.
Why don't many men return to those who beg them to? Why do men more often choose calm women than emotional ones? Why can a man mercilessly turn away from the one who cries because of him? The answer is quite simple: men are logical creatures and they do not like being pressured for pity.
Women are emotional. It's good when you need to show a man how interested you are in him, or to be creative to create your own unique external image lovely lady. But when it comes to solving serious issues, emotions only aggravate the situation. And since men are more realistic and down-to-earth, they don’t like it when a woman starts to have her head in the clouds and push for pity. A man will prefer someone who knows how to balance between emotions and logic. Therefore, it is necessary to keep your emotions under control.
It's actually not that hard for a woman to achieve this if you believe it. Just calm down and understand one fact: it is better to see, accept and understand what is already happening than to brush it off with your hands in the hope that the unpleasant thing will disappear. With your emotions, you try to brush aside the unpleasant. But how can you make death disappear (if a person has died) or a child appear (if you are not pregnant). Reality needs to be seen and accepted, no matter how unpleasant it may seem to you. Balance between reason, when you understand what is happening, are clearly aware of where you need to retreat and where you need to push, and emotions, when you can simply be happy about something or have fun discussing pleasant topics.
Keep your emotions under control. Men prefer women who know how to have fun and come back to real life, accepting even what they may not like. With pure emotionality, you can only attract an equally emotional and stupid man who will have his head in the clouds, not wanting to face reality. Therefore, learn to think with your head even when emotions overwhelm you. Make decisions based on logic and the realities of life, so that you don’t regret your actions later. This is in your own interests, because a man, first of all, wants to see an adult woman next to him, and not a stupid girl.
So, we've grieved and that's enough. It's time to solve pressing problems.
- Analyze what happened. You should understand how long the man dated his mistress, from whom she is actually pregnant, how the husband treats his mistress and her pregnancy. All the answers will allow you to make the right decision. Of course, you can just leave without understanding anything. However, if it is important for you to understand whether the betrayal was a mistake or an intentional act that lasted a long time, you need to understand the situation.
Have you ever said to yourself: “Why did I do this? I just succumbed to my emotions and didn’t do what I wanted.” Emotions are indicators of exactly how you feel about a particular situation. If you feel joy, it means you enjoy the event. If you feel angry or sad, it means that something does not suit you. Emotions are only indicators of your attitude towards a specific situation, but they never help solve the problem.
Don't give in to your own emotions. Note, do not fight your feelings, namely, do not give in. Understand exactly how you feel about a particular situation; your emotions will help you understand this. But as soon as you start solving the problem itself, disconnect from your own feelings.
Emotions often distort your perception and also cause you to defend yourself rather than solve the problem. Please note that people often make excuses, scream, threaten, cry, snap, and take revenge when something unpleasant happens in their lives. But all this is an indicator that they succumb to their emotions, while they do not solve the problem that has arisen, but simply try to protect themselves and their interests from the enemy.
While you are defending yourself, you are not solving the problem, but are just waging war. You are trying to forcibly humiliate yourself or another person so that only the interests of one of the parties are taken into account. But in this way the problem is not solved, because when the “defeated” person calms down and understands how he was deceived, he returns to solving the problem again. Therefore, do not give in to your own emotions. If you want to solve the problem, and not make enemies and eventually return to the unresolved issue, then turn off your emotions, calm down and soberly realize what you want to achieve as a result of solving the problem.
Make contact with your opponent, understanding that he also has his own interests. “I have to solve the problem,” scroll this thought through your head. And in order to achieve your goal, you must be engaged in discussing the problem, and not in the desire to offend, humiliate or blame someone for something.
Make contact with your opponent to show him that you want to find a compromise that will take into account the interests of all participants in the process. Therefore, you must jointly focus your efforts on solving the problem, and not on defeating each other. If you want to put an end to an unpleasant situation, then you will have to take into account the interests of your opponent, but at the same time firmly and clearly express your opinion. The most important thing is that you do not give in to your own emotions, because you will be fighting, not solving the problem. This in turn will lead to the fact that the problem will not be solved, and your war will never end until you peacefully sit down and talk about what you need to do so as not to return to the issue.
A man will lie and make excuses for his betrayal - this is a reason to think again about how much you need him. If a man admits everything and repents, then you can think about forgiving him.
Separating from your husband is very easy. If he does not break up with his mistress and continues his relationship with her, then this will be the right way out. However, if a man breaks off relations with his mistress and decides on his own about her pregnancy, then you can pause and see how it all ends.
Reasons for betrayal
Causes male infidelity does not absolve them of guilt at all, although we're talking about that the man had factors pushing him to cheat. And these reasons are:
- Disagreements with your spouse.
- Fading feelings for her.
- We have been leading separate lives for a long time now.
- Lack of intimacy or rare sex.
Sooner or later, a man wants to remember his masculinity again, and his mistress helps him with this. However, now the wife needs to decide how.
- Don’t isolate yourself, but communicate with loved ones, friends and other people.
- Go on vacation for a while, to relax.
- Go to a psychologist to consult with him on how to survive betrayal.
- Take care of yourself: your appearance, emotional state, life.
- Don't think about revenge. You can take revenge, but your husband will not return after that.
- Do not start a relationship without commitment in order to take revenge or forget your husband. In this way you only harm yourself.
Should you save your marriage if your husband cheated and his mistress is pregnant? Each woman will answer this question herself. However, psychologists advise remaining flexible. If the husband asks for forgiveness, tries to get his wife back and leaves his mistress, resolving the issue of her pregnancy, then you can think about restoring the marriage bond. However, if the husband doesn’t even lift a finger when his wife leaves him, then it’s time to separate. Perhaps the mistress was just a reason for the wife to leave her husband.
And now a few words to the lovers:
- Having an affair with a married man will not make you happy. In rare cases, men leave families on their own initiative. And with your presence you only destroy someone else’s family and corrupt a man.
- Pregnancy will most likely be a blessing only for you. But your lover may leave you, which will leave you alone with the baby and all your obligations.
- If you found out about a man’s status only after your pregnancy, then you should break up with such a man. He has already betrayed one wife. Do you want him to betray you in the future?
- Happiness cannot be achieved by breaking up someone else's family. Such a man clearly cannot make a woman happy. Better learn to love yourself and look for a partner who does not deceive or betray anyone.
Bottom line
Ideally, a man should be punished for his actions: his wife should leave him, and his mistress should file for alimony. Both women should leave a man who does not value either family values or the loyalty of his ladies, since with such a partner no lady will definitely be happy.
My husband himself told me about his mistress and her pregnancy, he is 45 years old, she is 18 years younger than him, I am 42, although I look 36. Because life problems, we moved to another city 4 years ago, to his parents, when 2 years passed he was offered Good work in the capital. I naturally agreed to let him go, and of course he met her. All this time I was with our son, he is 7 years old, I lived with his parents, 2 years passed and he moved us to the capital in a new one. apartment. And a couple of months later, he confesses to me about her and her pregnancy, and says that the choice is mine, although he always says that he will not leave his family, he loves me, by the way, he told her this too. I ask him if he loves her, and he replies that he has become attached to her (for me it doesn’t matter that he loves her). I can’t even cry to anyone, not my mom, not my friends, not anyone!!! We talked with him for long evenings, I had hysterics, then I calmed down, I tried to think sensibly. By the way, he loves children very much, and wants her to give birth. They even decided with him that she would be his second wife! Cool! I'm shocked! But for now I still suffer, because the wound is still deep!!! This one also makes him hysterical, but she is pregnant and has toxicosis!!! I’m trying to control myself, but I don’t know how long I’ll last! I love him a lot! And he turns out to love both me and her! Please advise me whether I agreed to a second wife correctly? How can I behave rationally in such a situation?
Kaydarova Asel Abdu-Alievna, psychologist Almaty
Good answer 4 Bad answer 0Hello, Elena! You and your husband are now going through one of the crises in family life. I will not evaluate or explain your husband’s actions, only you can decide what to do and how to continue to live. Any crisis is a reassessment of life priorities, strengthening one and changing another. Ask yourself: What is the most important thing in life for you right now? What kind of family Are values important to you? What awaits you in a few years? Think carefully, because this is your life! Do it as it should You are better.
TOevery person has the right to make mistakes, but only adult answers for their actions, and understands that you need to protect and value your loved ones. Weigh up the pros and cons and do it right choice. Good luck and strength of spirit!
WITH Sincerely, Zhanna Akhatbekovna.
Zinnatullina Zhanna Akhatbekovna, psychologist Almaty
Good answer 0 Bad answer 1 
Hello, Elena.
“Please advise me whether I agreed to a second wife correctly?” - Your question is a little confusing regarding why you need our opinion? How do you feel about this? You agreed, so did you do it for some reason? For what and for what? For love ? Or something different? Is this your own choice? Did you do it of your own free will? If it is yours, then why do you need someone else's opinion? What will he give you? Or what will an assessment of your behavior from the outside change for you?
“How can I behave rationally in such a situation?” - It would be interesting to understand whether it is reasonable in relation to what or who? Why behave wisely? What does it mean to you to behave intelligently? If I answer how to behave reasonably, then this will be my answer, and about what I understand by reasonable, but what is yours? You may not agree with me, but in my opinion, what is important is how you feel about this situation, what has happened in your life? What do you want for yourself? And why are you agreeing to what you have already agreed to? If you have the opportunity to consult a psychologist in person, and now it is advisable for you to enlist the support of loved ones, do not go through such a period of your life alone. I wish you peace of mind.
Sincerely, Elena.
Begunova Elena Leonidovna, psychologist Almaty
Good answer 3 Bad answer 1The question becomes especially acute if the mistress becomes pregnant and demands a final decision: is she the wife? The topic is very spicy, not everyone can share it with friends or loved ones, not to mention their spouse. After all, a person by chance falls into his own trap. In this situation, even a psychologically stable person can break down. After all, there is nothing worse than uncertainty.
We will try to consider different points of view on this situation and give some advice on how to decide on your desires and decisions.
So, what do some representatives of the fair sex think about a child from a mistress? How do they see the future of a person who finds himself in such a delicate position?
Let's take the most standard example: married couple living with each other for many years. Suddenly the spouse realizes that routine and everyday life have become boring, and there are no bright colors in his personal life. And so the faithful gets himself a girlfriend on the side. Of course, he has no thoughts of leaving his wife, he just decided to cheer up. But one day, the beloved tells the “good” news - she is pregnant. At the same time, she declares that she will not have an abortion (or it is already too late), and in general, she has long wanted a child.
Well, the position is quite justified, because a dear friend has already promised several times that he will leave his missus, and now there is an excellent reason for this. Passion is confident that now they will have a real family, and the beloved will immediately forget about his old and boring wife. But this is just her personal point of view.
But the partner thinks completely differently. Or rather, he may be deeply attached to his new girlfriend and even sometimes thought about divorcing his wife and marrying his beloved, but thoughts are one thing, and action is another.
Of course, it is not excluded that divorce and marriage can take place, but most often this option is erroneous. Because after leaving the family for a pregnant lover, a man experiences the following:
- Tossing from one family to another. Visiting children from your first marriage, going for walks with them, spending time in your former home is not easy. The man will be visited by doubts: did he do the right thing, or maybe he should have stayed here and not left? And although the child from his mistress occupies no less place in his soul, the thought of his action will constantly spin in his head.
- Persistent feeling of guilt. Before the ex, before the children from his first marriage, before the new chosen one (for spending time with the offspring and, willy-nilly, dating his wife).
- Trying to make amends to two women, to be good both here and there. And, as you know, you won’t be good to everyone. A man may be hit with a barrage of accusations or silent reproaches from both sides. And he will not be able to cope with this.
So, a person faces an endless run in a circle until, ultimately, some kind of heart attack overcomes him.
Spouse: male perspective
The very first thing - do not execute either yourself or your pregnant companion. Understand once and for all that the unborn baby is the only one who is absolutely innocent here. The same, by the way, as the children from the first marriage. Therefore, women’s advice is this: save the family, this is your duty to your spouse and to your existing children (especially!).
But on the other hand, this does not mean at all that you need to say the following: pregnancy is a mistake, it was not me who initiated it, so I don’t care. Think about how you will look in front of your wife, not to mention your abandoned loved one.
So, female gaze The answer to the situation is to save the family, but take on some of the troubles about the future baby. Both are your responsibility. You must choose the days that you will devote to your offspring - picking them up from kindergarten, going for walks, etc. In addition, financial assistance is also on your conscience. It is very difficult to provide for a child alone.
But what about the throwing, and what about the feeling of guilt - you ask. Yes, there will certainly be difficulties, but if the unfaithful husband already has offspring, then the choice in favor of his wife will be the right one. After all, they have already become attached to their father, are accustomed to living with two parents, and the departure of their father will become stressful for them. And a baby who has not yet had time to experience feelings of attachment is not in danger of stress or psychological trauma. After he grows up, it will be easier for him to explain the situation than for today's children now.
Now let’s find out what the representatives of the stronger sex themselves think about this when their mistress is pregnant. So, according to some men, this situation has two ways of developing events:
- Presence of young children in marriage.
- Presence of adult offspring.
Based on the first scenario, our experts recommend remaining legally married without any doubt. That's what they would have done themselves. However, the second passion should not be offended and forced to have an abortion. After all, abortion is not only a psychological threat, but also a physical one. Despite the fact that medical technology is at a high level today, there is still a risk of complications or infertility. In addition, getting rid of human life is completely inhumane; no one has the right to take a person’s life. The best option, men say, is to stay with the family, raise and help the newborn.
Yes, conflict situations and quarrels cannot be ruled out here either. And sometimes a person is so busy with work that he barely has enough time for one house. What about the second?
The recommendations are: take all your kids and spend the weekend with them. And yes, it is better to introduce them right away and teach them that they are brothers and sisters, regardless of which woman gave birth to them. Prepare for misunderstandings with mothers, but you must defend this point of view. At first it will be difficult, but over time women will get used to it, and spending time together will be taken for granted.
When personal relationships with the rightful chosen one have reached a dead end and general topics for conversation come down to only mutual reproaches, you should think about getting a divorce and building new life. But this should not affect the children; they need to behave in the same way as in the first case.
As for the second scenario - adult offspring - often only affection remains between spouses after so many years. If your lover is pregnant and you have strong feelings for her, why not try your luck in a new marriage - this is male opinion. Teenagers should already understand that there are difficulties in life. And if not, then try to explain competently: there is simply no other way out, it will be better not only for mom and dad, but also for you - you won’t have to listen to endless quarrels and suffer from the fact that your parents feel bad together. In addition, in addition to teenagers, you have another unborn baby who needs more education and attention from his father.
Why does a married man need another child?
Here's another point of view - a sobering one. She reveals the essence of what a married partner actually experiences when his girlfriend gets pregnant. An example is taken as a basis when the spouse does not know about what happened.
So why? No need. Even if a loved one sincerely claims the opposite and asks not to have an abortion, he has no need for a child. Just as the following complications are not needed:
- From a girlfriend with whom it was easy and sweet, a woman turns into... a second wife.
- The connection is not easy to hide anyway, and if a child appears, then even more so. You won't last long on tricks and lies. In the end, you will have to admit everything.
- Confession entails the subsequent disclosure of the secret to relatives and friends, which is decent married man no use at all.
- Time is always short, and finances sometimes sing romances, so the appearance of another child is completely inappropriate.
In fact, an affair starts only as a distraction from everyday troubles and boring routine. The purpose of a girlfriend is to please and give joy, which the faithful does not receive from his legal companion.
And here it’s worth stopping and asking - why do many unfaithful husbands tend to tell their illegitimate halves: I want a child from you? After all, in this way they seduce their passions and give reason to think that a child together will make them a strong couple? There are examples when partners even persuade them to give birth to a son or daughter. Why? After all, in fact, they are completely unaware that the desire to become a father is completely absent. This behavior can only be explained by natural instinct - procreation. The desire to have a little person arises in every stable couple who experiences genuine feelings. Therefore, attention: when a married man declares his “dream” out loud, a woman needs to mean something different: I would like you to give birth, but I believe that you are smart and will not get pregnant, because I can’t, I’m married.
Here are some more examples of what a married partner thinks:
- Of course, I agree, but it is unlikely that this will happen, because you have not been able to get pregnant for several years. There is nothing to worry about, requests can be satisfied.
- Give birth to me, you will be happy, and I will find someone else - anyway, our relationship is already losing its meaning.
- At the moment when I said what I wanted, I really wanted it, but now it turns out I didn’t.
- All my former and present ones give birth to me. Come on, you too! I like to feel like a male.
It turns out that male desire is purely abstract. In a sensual impulse, he does not even imagine what consequences await him (and not only) when a little man is born. All a man's guess is enough for is that sex will be less frequent. As for help and the split into two sides, reason is silent.
The desired little child is just a kind of poetic symbol with the help of which people in love want to consolidate the union. Therefore, when a passion gives in to persuasion or independently makes a decision about pregnancy, she needs to know that most of these “romantics” immediately run away after birth. Those who have more stamina can still be around during pregnancy, but after that you shouldn’t count on spending time together: caring for a baby is tantamount to a nightmare for a man.
And the situation itself goes beyond the initially planned relationship. A love affair on the side loses all meaning, and the mistress turns into a burden.
Now let’s ask what psychologists advise to do.
The first thing is to decide on the marital relationship, find out what is between you - love or just a habit? Evaluate your official companion with a sober look. Perhaps someone else's pregnancy will be a reason to be convinced of the importance of your wife and the relationship that you have created for many years.
Secondly, if your mistress gets knocked up, this is not a reason to convince yourself that you need to go to her. Dating and living together are two opposite poles. When leaving, think about whether you will eventually get yourself another person for pleasure? After all, routine will overtake you there too.
Third, you should tell everything to your wife. If she is wise and truly loves you, she will not only understand, but will also help you figure it out. Naturally, the conversation should be careful and delicate. Shock cannot be avoided, but it is possible that over time, thanks to betrayal and such a joint solution to a sensitive issue, the marriage will reach a new, more stable level.
If your pregnant lover is more important to you, if she is desired and loved, and your old marriage has long become a heavy burden, then leave. And don’t think that your wife will feel bad without you, that she won’t cope. It will be even worse for her with you. Especially after what happened. Also, forget to think about what people will say. Often it is those around him who stop a person and do not allow him to make the right decision. The rumor that a scoundrel broke up with such a wonderful woman and exchanged him for another, stray woman, often blocks access to real happiness.
But if there is no love, and the betrayal was a grave mistake, then there is no point in changing anything.
Tell your spouse about what happened, repent and ask not to “wash dirty linen in public.”
Otherwise, even here, gossip cannot be avoided: he decided to break up with his pregnant mistress, “he fucked him up and left him,” where his wife was looking, etc. Discussions and sidelong glances must be endured. It’s better not to pay attention and take care of the question of what to do with the little one. To give birth or terminate a pregnancy is up to you to decide to the expectant mother. You just have to try to take it where it's due. If she wants to give birth, knowing that you will not be together, do not think that responsibility has been lifted from your shoulders. Understand that from now on you have another child who needs care and guardianship. And this is for life.
And for that matter, you have a responsibility, more than ever. By deciding your fate, you decide several more destinies (including all offspring). Make the right choice. And to keep inevitable suffering to a minimum, start from sober reason and truthful arguments.
