People fall in love, get together, break up... What if every life process is accompanied by a crisis in the soul? And is it possible to get over a breakup easily?
How to deal with loneliness after a breakup? Photo: Fotolia/PhotoXPress.ru.
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From a letter from a WomaHit reader:
"Hello Maria.
My problem is related to a divorce that happened 4 months ago. We lived together for 3 years. We had many conflicts. All they did was argue. As one scandal ended, the next began immediately. And they could not agree on any compromises. In general, not life, but hell. In the end, I decided to get a divorce. I thought it would be better this way. But no... I felt terribly lonely. Life has lost its meaning. I don’t know where to go from this inner emptiness. Sometimes I even think that maybe I shouldn’t have gotten a divorce? Maybe it’s better somehow, but together, than completely alone. I can't understand what's happening to me. After all, it’s obvious that life has become better, no one’s nerves are trembling, but I still feel bad. How to deal with this feeling of loneliness?
Oksana."
Hello!
Thanks for your letter. I'll try to express my thoughts, I hope they will be useful.
The feelings of loneliness and inner emptiness that you described are quite natural in the current situation. Breaking up a relationship isn't easy. It’s not for nothing that they say that parting is a little death. And here it is very important to give yourself time and the right to get over what happened. And don’t create illusions that you will quickly return to your previous shape. Inappropriately high expectations will only make the situation worse.
Any crisis experienced by a person (be it a midlife crisis, a creative crisis, the death of a loved one, etc.) is fraught with a feeling of loneliness. And people who have experienced divorce are a serious “risk group”.
Some people cope with loneliness quickly enough without resorting to the help of professionals. Others may find themselves in a state of chronic loneliness, lasting more than 2 years. In this case, it will be difficult to do without the help of a specialist.
In addition, we become very emotionally involved in conflictual relationships, since they fill our lives with negative, but at the same time intense and vivid events and experiences. And it is very difficult to survive the emptiness that comes after the loss of such a relationship.
But, I want to note that you have a small bonus - women are more flexible creatures and can endure loneliness more easily. This happens because society seems to give them the right to tell their friends about their loneliness, cry, and ask for help. Whereas a man must save face in any situation.
If we talk about more specific ways to combat loneliness, one of the most effective is to build new life strategies. You can behave passively - sleep, eat, drink, watch TV non-stop, take pills. You can be active - play sports, walk, listen to music, do what you love. Perhaps, doing all this through force, it is impossible to get maximum pleasure, but sometimes it allows you to realize yourself, solve some of your life problems, or just get a taste for it. The main thing is to do something consistently.
New life strategies often work well if you stick to them.
After all, by changing oneself, a person is quite capable of changing the world around him;)
In the psychological literature one can find comparisons with death. The breakdown of a marriage is the death of a family. It doesn’t matter who became the victim, in any divorce there are several victims: the former spouses themselves, parents, friends and relatives who are accustomed to perceiving the spouses as a single whole.
The longer the family life lasted, the greater the attachment between the former spouses, the harder it was to survive depression and loneliness after separation.
What are spouses afraid of and how do they cope with the divorce?
Men and women cope with divorce differently. Due to physiological differences, peculiarities of thinking and logic, spouses often do not find a common language, which leads to the collapse of family relationships.
In such a situation, women, as a rule, are in a more advantageous position, since society most often perceives a woman as a victim, an injured party, showing sympathy for her, even if she was the one who filed for divorce.
Women
The female half of humanity perceives the news of divorce and the upcoming start of a new life much more emotionally.
Statistics confirm that in the first year after a divorce, there are often cases when a woman needs the help of a psychologist or psychotherapist, and some women experience suicidal thoughts.
In terms of organizing everyday life, it is easier for a woman to adapt to a new life, because, unlike men, washing, cleaning and cooking are her immediate responsibilities in family life.
There is a positive aspect here: divorce often frees up time for hobbies, attention to one’s own appearance and style, time for new acquaintances and hobbies. It is more difficult for a divorced woman to get used to, she does not want to look like an “abandoned”, “loner”, “divorcee” in the eyes of those around her. Psychological stress is intensified by the fear of being left alone, the fear of new relationships in the future, and financial difficulties.
If the reason for the divorce was the husband leaving for another woman, the abandoned wife begins a period of “soul-searching”, searching for the husband’s reason in herself, which in the future can lead to inferiority complexes and self-flagellation.
In this situation, psychologists advise trying to forgive your ex-husband, because forgiveness in the future will become the foundation of a new life, including family life. Sincerely forgiving a person who has caused pain is not easy; it takes time and inner strength, especially if there is alcohol or drug abuse in the family.
If there is no possibility of a personal frank conversation, then you should write down your feelings on paper and then burn it. It is believed that all negativity is burned along with the paper, and human consciousness is purified.
Men
Unlike women, the first time after a divorce for a man is a time of boundless freedom, when it seems to him that the future is full of prospects and opportunities, when there are so many free girls around.
A man does not see a problem in the occurrence of small household problems, such as the need to replenish the refrigerator himself or wash and iron his clothes.
But gradually the euphoria goes away, after a series of unsuccessful short-term romances, the realization comes that he is the dearest and closest person. At the same time, there are times when, after which he is afraid to start a serious relationship.
Despite external strength, men are more vulnerable in terms of affection.
Having faced the situation of divorce once, a man is afraid of repeating the situation in the future. The average man usually hides his feelings and experiences from others, so often loved ones may not even notice changes in mood or behavior.
A feeling of emptiness can lead a man to loss of interest in life, alcohol abuse, gambling, and promiscuous sex life.
How to get used to loneliness after divorce?
Loneliness after a divorce is a necessary stage for analyzing mistakes; there is no need to rush into choosing a new companion, in this case the principle of “knocks each other out” will not help, and you should not rush to extremes.- a scary word for most women. It would seem that the struggle for gender equality has been completed successfully. Women take serious positions, earn good money, solve complex issues, but panic attacks many as soon as this verdict is pronounced. Representatives of the “weaker” sex are so afraid of divorce that they are ready to live for years in a state of quiet war with their husbands and, worst of all, with themselves. Fear of loneliness, lack of material support, a strong shoulder, a father in a child can ruin more than one life. But is it really that bad? After all, with a change in status in life, a whole bouquet of things and conditions will certainly appear and “bloom” in magnificent colors, which we have managed to forget about in the monotonous and unpleasant family life.
Chance to meet a loved one
It would be disingenuous to say that breaking off a long-term relationship with a person is easy. Such a break is akin to an amputation, after which it will take a long time to restore all the functions of the body and the mode of living without the usual other half. But if for several years living together did not bring joy, there was no common leisure, and being near your husband only caused irritation - is it worth lamenting? How many times have you fantasized about “how everything could be if there was a truly close and dear person nearby who shared my interests and views on life.” It is after a divorce that we have the time and mental strength to search for that soul mate. And as soon as fire appears in the eyes, this person will definitely be found!
How often do you hear the opinion from unmarried and unmarried people that married life is one sheer boredom, where instead of books there are mountains of dishes, and hobbies and fashionable events replace silent watching of TV on the sofa. Unfortunately, they are not always wrong. It is not only and not so much everyday life that takes us away from the turbulent flow of life. General dissatisfaction with current events in the family, lack of support, and sometimes ridicule of the desire for growth lead to the fact that we cannot get out of this dreary circle and engage in self-development, learning the unknown and discovering new horizons for ourselves. And in this case, divorce will become the beginning of coordinates, the starting point on a long path that we can go the way we want. Without regard to the opinion of those who do not understand our desire for self-development.
There are no families in which everything would go quietly and smoothly, without disagreements and conflicts. One doesn’t like the lights left on in the bathroom, the other doesn’t like circles from tea bags on the white countertop. This is normal, and it is precisely such manifestations that contribute to the emergence of a certain set of rules for “dormitory life.” After several years of marriage, usually all the problematic issues are learned and the spouses easily avoid the “minefields”. But what to do if discontent grows and concerns not so much everyday issues, but increasingly becomes personal? When the husband becomes an eternal accuser, and the wife has to constantly defend herself. It is not necessary to say anything. It’s enough to roll your eyes or make a dissatisfied face. Self-esteem flies far to the side and lies there “until better times.” So, it is with divorce that the ideal period for increasing self-esteem begins. Make a promise to yourself not to allow this important “thing” to be put away and to surround yourself only with those who can and want to support it. And we assure you that there will definitely be such people!
On a scale of ten, how would you rate your confidence, perseverance, self-belief, and desire to achieve something? There is a famous proverb: “Fear is a bad travel companion.” Do you know why? One of the main reasons is that a person driven by fears is secretly looking for a protector! Dreams of meeting someone who will protect you from troubles, solve them without your participation, protect you from grief and trouble. Did it resonate inside you, skip a beat?.. Let’s say a defender appears near you. It turns out that some kind of failures, difficulties, incidents must constantly happen around. Otherwise, from what or from whom will he protect you?! Think about it... On the other hand, fear is a great advisor! He tells you in which direction to deal with yourself.
Loneliness after divorce - getting rid of fears
And, if you ask yourself the question, what to do, then the answer is clear: do nothing! Live on, enjoy every new day and thank fate for another chance to feel what true love is and try to create a real and strong family. If you tune your thoughts to the positive, you will definitely forget what loneliness is forever.
Attention
Fate gives you another chance, so you need to use it to the fullest. Don't be afraid of loneliness and let doubts into your heart.
Important
Smile at the new day, take a deep breath and feel freedom. You are starting a new life, in which, believe me, there is no place for loneliness.
Understand that the fear of loneliness is just our thoughts. And thoughts can always be changed.
Relationships after divorce. how to overcome fear?
Who is to blame and what to do? Most often, the feeling of fear of being alone arises precisely because we do not know how to answer these questions when it comes to divorce. First of all, we begin to blame either ourselves or our husband for the fact that the social unit has disintegrated - but someone must be to blame.
Although in fact no one is to blame for anything, fate simply decreed that now your paths - paths have diverged in different directions and everyone is starting a new life. And by constantly looking back, you will not notice what is ahead of you.
To avoid loneliness, you cannot focus your attention on problems alone, feel sorry for yourself, or blame your ex-husband - this, by the way, is a quick and easy way to loneliness.
I'm afraid to be alone after a divorce
When you got married, you probably made Napoleonic plans and dreamed of living a long and happy life with this man. But things don't always work out the first time. Perhaps divorce was the only way out of a relationship in which there was nothing left but pain, apathy and despair.
Info
And only the brave can admit this and stop torturing themselves or others, including children who are also unhappy, watching their parents fight. No one is immune from the fact that new relationships may not work out either.
But don’t forget that you already have experience, take it into account and take your time. Give yourself time to observe the development of events and your feelings. Just don't overdo it! Fear of making a mistake can force you to live in a world of constant comparisons of your new chosen one with some abstract ideal on a white (or any other) horse.
Fear of divorce and how to overcome it
You can discuss everything together with the children and the man, and in this situation you will see how he copes with difficulties. This is very important, because if you build a new family, he will play the role of a father (a friend to your child or children, as you decide).
Even if your ex-husband is involved in the children’s lives, it is the new chosen one who will live such situations with you and the children every day. And the way he “settles” sensitive family issues will say more about him than words.
Vulnerability and fear are almost always echoes of past pain. And no matter how much we avoid it, we will have to accept it as part of life.
There is no need to fight it, just like fear. We need to understand why this happens.
After a divorce, a woman is overcome by the fear of being left alone. She is not afraid of the fact that she now has no husband, that everything fell on her shoulders, that, in fact, she gave years of her life to the wrong person and made a mistake in her choice.
Loneliness scares her, and this fear paralyzes her and prevents her from moving on. However, the fear of loneliness is easy to overcome, the main thing is to show a little desire... Contents
- 1 A white light has converged on you like a wedge...
- 2 Oh, go for a walk, just go for a walk!
- 3 Who is to blame and what to do?
A white light has converged on you like a wedge... Yes, this is exactly what a woman who will have to go through a divorce thinks. For some reason, she is sure that the light has really converged on her husband, that there are no more close and dear people in her environment, and loneliness definitely awaits her.
How to overcome fear of relationships after divorce
Remember that the best is the enemy of the good! Fear that the family will not accept the new partner. I’ll start with the question, why do you let someone decide whether this man is right for you or not? There may be extreme cases when the new partner himself is not too happy to communicate with your relatives. Find out the reasons. If he says that he loves you, but does not accept your children (I’m not talking about the difficulties of finding contact with them), then perhaps your fear of entering into a relationship with him, in this case, is adequate. A woman with children from her first marriage cannot be a woman without children. If your children or family do not accept your chosen one, you must understand: the decision to stay with someone is your decision, but it is also worth finding out the reasons for such hostility on their part. Don't be afraid to talk and don't take on too much.
Loneliness after divorce. getting rid of fears
If in your first marriage you encountered, for example, betrayal, then the subconscious expectation that the new partner might do the same thing will interfere for some time, even at the level of fantasy. The desire to protect yourself from repeated stress and pain is completely normal.
But if this fear is with you constantly, and more than a year has passed since the divorce, and in a conversation with your friends you unconsciously continue to devalue all men, putting them in the category of “cheaters,” perhaps the moment of truth has come. No matter how difficult it may be to admit, it is impossible to absolutize negative male qualities, because you cannot predict with one hundred percent certainty how and in what situations all men on planet Earth will behave. By labeling, you protect yourself from painful experiences, but you also deprive yourself of the opportunity to get to know someone.
Your relationship with your ex-partner was built on this model, but all actions have their own reasons. Perhaps he was not a psychologically mature man capable of being faithful and having fun with one woman. Maybe we should stop giving the past so much power over us? Do not take a suitcase of projections with you into the future, but try, albeit with caution, to build a relationship with a new partner.
It is important from the very beginning to learn to clarify basic points, such as the permissibility of cheating, for example. There is no need to blindly trust someone again - trust is built on mutual understanding and coincidence of worldviews.
Fear of Mistake If you believe that your relationship was a mistake, then you are likely to perceive new ones in a similar light. But divorce or separation is not the result of a mistake in choice.
How to overcome the fear of being alone after divorce
Try to answer the questions below, the first thing you think of, indiscriminately:
- – what does your fear of being alone look like? (what color, size, weight, what does it look like) Where is it located and how old is it (a month, a year, several years)?
- – what thoughts haunt you when you think you’ll be alone? They often begin with the words “what if...!”
- – what can happen to any person if he is left alone? List all possible options.
- – which of your relatives, acquaintances, colleagues, friends are left alone? Write everyone down and how their lives turned out?
- – what will happen to you if you are left alone? What consequences scare you the most?
Here, most likely, the reason for the fear is not in the threatening loneliness... but in the personal qualities of the woman.
If you react not with emotions, but with calmness and (once) a discussion of her behavior, the person will either leave you, or a very decent person will appear next to you. And you will be very good with each other! What if I'm already attached? - Good question.
Live, smarter, think. Go to a good training session. Read Love and Affection. Mental pain Mental pain, the pain of the mental body is a popular psychological metaphor that has become popular... How to fall out of love Love can be a joy that pours out from you and gives its light to the one you love. But love... The love of a man and a woman In ordinary life, love does not occur often, and what does occur does not look like high love. H... Causes of erroneous behavior Behind erroneous (conflict, inadequate, ineffective) behavior of a psychologically healthy person...
