What is better: low or high self-esteem? Many beautiful ladies will answer that it is better to have an inflated one than an understated one. Therefore, when they try to raise their self-esteem, adequate self-esteem is often lost.
Some might argue, because ladies with high opinions are better at solving problems, making acquaintances and relationships, and, of course, knowing their worth better. Unfortunately, women with an adequate understanding of themselves have all these advantages, while the rest of the fair sex develop negative character traits.
For example, in people with high self-esteem one can observe selfishness, arrogance, narcissism, arrogance. And with low self-esteem you can see cowardice, envy, resentment, jealousy.
How can you determine high self-esteem and the weaker sex? How to understand that a girl or woman overestimates herself and her importance?
There are many signs by which this can be determined. Here are some of them:
She always wants to be the first in everything.
Requests often sound like orders, and the word “please” is rarely used.
She constantly talks about herself, interrupts and teaches others how to live correctly.
Mistakes are generally unacceptable, everything must be perfect, and as she wants.
Criticism is taken seriously and as a personal insult.
“I” sounds very often in speech.
All points of view except your own are wrong.
A pronounced, but sometimes hidden, selfishness appears.
Failures are accompanied by irritability and depression.
She expresses her opinion always and everywhere, despite the fact that sometimes it is inappropriate.
There is constant competition with others for no reason or reason.
The words “sorry” and “excuse me” are used very rarely.
All troubles are to blame for others or circumstances.
She always has the last word.
Men are rarely attracted to selfish women, so an inflated opinion of oneself does not contribute to the creation of a family life, and also does not always contribute to a career. The same can be said about low self-esteem.
Although there is a big difference between high and low self-esteem. Short girls and women are more likely to want to change their attitude than tall ones. Since selfish people never want to change, considering themselves ideal.
It is unlikely that women with high self-esteem are calm and happy, because the fear of losing or making mistakes forces them to live in tension and watch their every step. Having discovered signs of high self-esteem, you should take care of yourself and strive for an adequate assessment of yourself and the world around you.
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26.07.2016 05:53:19
"All life's failures and failures, grievances against fate -
this is a burden that pulls our self-esteem down,
lowering it below the baseboard"
Girls often come to me asking me to raise their self-esteem. As if self-esteem could be raised with the help of a simple consultation...
Of course not. Self-esteem is the result of a person’s complex of virtues. If there are few advantages, self-esteem will be low. If there are many of them, self-esteem will be high and adequate.
If a person is fulfilled in his profession, has achieved high professionalism, and earns good money, he will always be a satisfied individual with high self-esteem.
If a person does not grow as a professional in his field, or rushes from one activity to another, he will always have low self-esteem (and, accordingly, earnings).
If a person has high self-esteem, he will never agree to offers that are unfavorable for him. And he can always calmly say how much one hour of his work costs (no matter who he works - a cook, a surgeon or a hairdresser) - and, strangely enough, people will pay him what he says.
When a person has high self-esteem, it is easier for him to negotiate and come to agreements on terms that are favorable to him. High self-esteem has a magical effect on the interlocutor; such people are trusted more and are more likely to agree with them. It's clear: The higher a person's self-esteem, the more money he will earn.
High self-esteem in the professional sphere is always clear to us. But women have a complete gap in terms of femininity and charm with high self-esteem.
If a woman has high self-esteem in terms of femininity, a man will never yell or grumble at her. He will always communicate calmly with her and strive to come to an agreement. High self-esteem in terms of femininity has a magical effect on men. A man builds a relationship with such a woman from the very beginning only on her terms.
He only dates her when it is convenient for HER. He takes her only where she wants. He opens the door for her and hands her a coat. They begin to have sex only when she herself wants it - and not a day earlier.
A woman with high self-esteem is able to completely influence her man. Why? Because he wants it himself!
Such a woman makes it clear with all her appearance, glance, gestures - "I am Madonna! I am a Goddess! I am the woman of your dreams!"
She is confident in herself, knows her worth (and if necessary, can indicate it), and will never agree with anything that does not suit her.
She loves to realize herself in many areas of life. She strives to become a professional in her field (or has already become one), knows how to dress herself, put on makeup, and what hairstyle suits her best. She knows how to enhance her strengths and hide her shortcomings - and she brazenly uses this to be the best. Constantly develops his knowledge and skills: communication skills, the art of self-presentation, intelligence (reads a lot), takes care of his health, improves the subtleties of makeup and creating an external image...
She knows what she wants from life, and can easily talk about it - men really like it (which was found out thanks to recent research by scientists).
Such a woman always looks much more attractive to men. Here I don’t mean appearance, but female charisma.
What is “high self-esteem in terms of femininity”?
This is when a woman knows how to please a man and uses this knowledge effectively. She is a well-educated woman who continues to develop as a professional woman.
This is when you came to a banquet and met ten to twenty men. They liked me and made friends.
I have a friend (divorced, with a child) who is constantly being proposed for marriage. Why? Because she knows how to please men professionally. And her admirers are simply afraid of losing her. By the way, we recently went to her bachelorette party in a restaurant, and the men there constantly invited her to a slow dance, and one even gave her roses :).
A man long and persistently persuades such a woman: “Marry me!”
She is never afraid of losing her husband (because she knows that she will never be left alone).
But at the same time she is not afraid to be alone. If she is not satisfied with her relationship with a man, she will easily break up with him.
She is not afraid to live alone. This is even a joy for her, since she can re-read mountains of useful literature, develop new abilities, and work on her beautiful Image. And then get your hair done, put on a beautiful dress, go to a banquet and meet ten to twenty men there, making new and interesting acquaintances...
Traffic police officers do not fine her, taxi drivers do not charge a fee. Our cadets now write after three months of training: “Oksana, the taxi driver didn’t charge me a fee, and the policeman didn’t fine me - ur-r-ra, I passed (baptism of fire)! :) Now I feel such feminine strength in myself!”
After half an hour of communication with a new acquaintance, he can propose to her in marriage.
Do you know how friends with such abilities communicate?
- ABOUT! You have a new dress! How beautiful you are today!
- Did you do something to your hair, it’s so shiny! Amazing woman!
They raise each other's self-esteem, and then: which of the men did not hide - they are not to blame :).
High self-esteem in terms of femininity is a complex of abilities, knowledge and skills. Over several years of working with female cadets, we have empirically found out that we need to work on all fronts:
* If parents underestimated self-esteem in childhood (often scolded, never praised), did not give love, then you will have to get it for yourself. With the help of art therapy and NLP techniques, we fill this gap.
* Resentment towards oneself, the habit of destructively criticizing oneself is a low self-esteem. We learn to forgive ourselves and accept ourselves as we are, with all the advantages and disadvantages, with all the mistakes and sins of the past. We instill in ourselves the habit of criticizing ourselves only constructively and to the point.
* All life's failures and failures, grievances against fate are a burden that pulls our self-esteem down, dropping it below the baseboard. And this cannot be left to chance - who needs low self-esteem? To work with this misunderstanding, I suggest using a success diary. I offer many cadets a complicated version of the diary, where you need to describe your entire biography, and then change all negative life attitudes to new ones - useful and productive. I also recommend reading several books on this topic.
* If a woman cannot go to a banquet and charm ten to twenty men there, if she is not able to meet a man (anywhere, even on the street), this always affects her self-esteem. It will be low, no matter how you look at it. To solve this problem, we develop Self-Presentation skills, learn to communicate and charm our interlocutor. We study and practice various techniques of dating, communication and charm.
Having high self-esteem in terms of femininity is a whole science that can take years to comprehend. Believing in yourself, setting new goals and gradually achieving them.
Heightened self-esteem– this is an individual’s overestimation of his own potential. Such self-esteem can reveal both positive influence and negative influence. Positive influence is expressed in the subject's confidence. Negative influences include increased selfishness, disregard for the point of view or opinions of others, and overestimation of one’s own strengths.
Often, inadequately inflated self-esteem in the event of failure and failure can plunge an individual into the abyss of a depressive state. Therefore, no matter what benefits an individual’s inflated self-esteem brings, it is still better to try to keep it under control.
Signs of high self-esteem
An individual's overestimated self-esteem manifests itself in a more uniform manner compared to underestimated self-esteem. First of all, such a person puts himself above others, considers himself a luminary, and everyone else unworthy of him. However, a person himself does not always put himself above others; often, people themselves elevate him, but he is not able to adequately relate to such an assessment of himself, and he is overcome by pride. Moreover, she can stick to him so strongly that even when the moment of glory is far behind him, pride remains with him.
Inappropriately high self-esteem and its signs:
- a person is always confident that he is right, even if there are constructive arguments in favor of the opposite point of view;
- in any conflict situation or dispute, the individual is sure that the last phrase should remain with him and it does not matter to him what exactly this phrase will be;
- he completely denies the fact of the existence of an opposing opinion, rejects even the possibility that everyone has the right to their own point of view. If he nevertheless agrees with such a statement, he will be confident in the “wrongness” of the interlocutor’s point of view, which is different from his;
- the subject is confident that if something does not work out for him, then in this situation it is not he who is to blame, but the surrounding society or the prevailing circumstances;
- he does not know how to ask for forgiveness and apologize;
- the individual constantly competes with colleagues and friends, always wanting to be better than others;
- he expresses his own point of view or principled positions constantly, even if no one is interested in his opinion, and no one asks him to express it;
- in any discussions a person very often uses the pronoun “I”;
- He perceives any criticism directed at him as a manifestation of disrespect for his person, and with all his appearance makes it clear that he is absolutely indifferent to the opinions of others about him;
- it is important for him to always be perfect and never make mistakes or mistakes;
- any failure or failure can knock him out of the working rhythm for a long time; he begins to feel depressed and irritable when he fails to do something or achieve the intended result;
- prefers to take on only tasks in which achieving results is associated with difficulties, and often without even calculating the possible risks;
- the individual is afraid of appearing weak, defenseless or unsure of himself to others;
- always prefers to put his own interests and hobbies first;
- the individual is subject to excessive selfishness;
- he tends to teach the people around him about life, starting with any little thing, for example, how to fry potatoes correctly, and ending with something more global, for example, how to make money;
- in conversations he likes to talk more than listen, so he constantly interrupts;
- his tone of conversation is characterized by arrogance, and any requests are more like orders;
- he strives to be the first and the very best in everything, and if this does not work out, then he can fall into.
People with high self-esteem
The characteristic of inflated self-esteem is that people suffering from such an “illness” have a distorted, towards overestimation, idea of their own person. As a rule, somewhere deep down in their souls they feel loneliness and dissatisfaction with themselves. It is often quite difficult for them to form relationships with the surrounding society, since the desire to be seen as better than they are in reality leads to arrogant, arrogant, defiant behavior. Sometimes their actions and actions are even aggressive.
Individuals with high self-esteem love to praise themselves, in conversation they constantly try to emphasize their own merits, and can allow themselves to make disapproving and disrespectful statements about strangers. In this way they assert themselves at the expense of the people around them and strive to prove to the whole universe that they are always right. Such people consider themselves better than everyone else, and others much worse than them.
Subjects with high self-esteem react painfully to any, even harmless, criticism. Sometimes they can even perceive it aggressively. The peculiarity of interaction with such people contains a requirement on their part that others constantly recognize their superiority.
Inflated self-esteem reasons
More often than not, inadequate assessment towards overestimation occurs due to improper family upbringing. Often, inadequate self-esteem is formed in a subject who was one child in the family or the first-born (less common). From early childhood, the baby feels like the center of attention and the main person in the house. After all, all the interests of family members are subject to his wishes. Parents perceive his actions with emotion on their faces. They indulge the child in everything, and he develops a distorted perception of his own “I” and an idea of his special place in the world. It begins to seem to him that the globe is revolving around him.
A girl’s high self-esteem often depends on circumstances related to their forced existence in a harsh male world and the struggle for their personal place in society with chauvinists in pants. After all, everyone strives to show a woman where her place is. In addition, a girl’s high self-esteem is often associated with the external attractiveness of her face and body structure.
A man with high self-esteem imagines himself as the center object of the universe. That is why he is indifferent to the interests of others and will not listen to the judgments of the “gray masses”. After all, this is how he sees other people. Men's inadequate self-esteem is characterized by unreasonable confidence in their subjective rightness, even in the face of evidence to the contrary. Such men can still be called.
According to statistics, a woman with an inflated self-esteem is much less common than a man with an inflated self-esteem.
High and low self-esteem
Self-esteem is the subject’s internal representation of himself, his own potential, his social role and life positions. It also determines one’s attitude towards society and the world as a whole. Self-esteem has three facets. So, for example, love for people begins with love for oneself, and can end on the side where love already turns into low self-esteem.
The upper limit of self-evaluation is inflated self-esteem, as a result of which the individual perceives his personality incorrectly. He sees not his real self, but a fictitious image. Such an individual incorrectly perceives the surrounding reality and his place in the world, idealizes his external characteristics and internal potential. He considers himself smarter and more sensible, much more beautiful than those around him and more successful than everyone else.
A subject who has inadequate self-esteem always knows and can do everything better than others, and knows the answers to any questions. Inflated self-esteem and its reasons can be different, for example, a person strives to achieve a lot, become a successful banker or a famous athlete. Therefore, he goes ahead to achieve his goal, not noticing either friends or family. For him, his own individuality becomes a kind of cult, and he considers those around him to be a gray mass. However, high self-esteem can often hide uncertainty about one’s own potential and strengths. Sometimes high self-esteem is just a kind of protection from the outside world.
Inflated self-esteem - what to do? First, you should try to recognize the uniqueness of each individual person. Each person has the right to his own point of view, which may be correct, despite the fact that it does not coincide with yours. Below are a few rules for bringing self-esteem back to normal.
During a conversation, try not only to listen to the speaker, but also to hear him. You should not adhere to the erroneous opinion that others can only talk nonsense. Believe that in many areas they can understand much better than you. After all, a person cannot be an expert in everything. Allow yourself to make mistakes and mistakes, because they only help you gain experience.
Don’t try to prove anything to anyone, every person is beautiful in their own individuality. Therefore, you should not constantly show off your best features. Don’t get depressed if you couldn’t achieve the desired result; it’s better to analyze the situation to see why it happened, what you did wrong, what was the reason for the failure. Understand that if something didn’t work out for you, it was your fault, and not the fault of the surrounding society or circumstances.
Take it as an axiom that everyone has flaws and try to accept that you, too, are not perfect and that you have negative traits. It’s better to work on and correct shortcomings than to turn a blind eye to them. And for this, learn adequate self-criticism.
Low self-esteem manifests itself in a person's negative attitude towards himself. Such individuals tend to belittle their own achievements, virtues and positive traits. The causes of low self-esteem can be different. For example, self-esteem may decrease due to negative suggestions from society or self-hypnosis. Also, its causes may come from childhood, as a result of improper parental upbringing, when adults constantly told the child that he was bad or compared him with other kids not in his favor.
High self-esteem in a child
If a child’s self-esteem is inflated and he notices only positive traits in himself, then it is unlikely that in the future it will be easy for him to build relationships with other children, together with them to find solutions to issues and come to a consensus. Such kids are more conflict-ridden than their peers and more often “give up” when they fail to achieve their goals or goals that correspond to their ideas about themselves.
A characteristic of a child’s high self-esteem is that he overestimates himself. It often happens that parents or other significant loved ones tend to overestimate the child’s achievements, while constantly admiring any of his actions, intelligence, and ingenuity. This leads to the emergence of a problem of socialization and intrapersonal conflict, when a child finds himself among his peers, where he is transformed from “one of the very best” into “one of the group”, where it turns out that his skills are not so outstanding, but the same as those others or even worse, which is even more difficult for the child to experience. In this case, high self-esteem can suddenly become low and cause mental trauma in the child. The severity of the injury will depend on the age at which the child joined an environment that is alien to him - the older he is, the more intensely he will experience intrapersonal conflict.
Due to inadequately inflated self-esteem, the child develops an incorrect perception of himself, an idealized image of his “I”, his own potential and value for the surrounding society. Such a child emotionally rejects everything that could violate his self-image. As a result, the perception of real reality is distorted, and the attitude towards it becomes inadequate, perceived only at the level of emotions. Children with high self-esteem are characterized by difficulties in communication.
A child has high self-esteem - what to do? A huge role in the formation of children's self-esteem is played by the interested attitude of parents, their approval and praise, encouragement and support. All this stimulates the child’s activity, his cognitive processes, and shapes the child’s morality. However, you also need to praise correctly. There are several general rules when not to praise a child. If a child has achieved something not through his own labor - physical, mental or emotional - then there is no need to praise him. The beauty of a child is also not subject to approval. After all, it was not he himself who achieved this; nature rewards children with spiritual or external beauty. It is never recommended to praise him for his toys, clothes or random finds. Feeling pity or wanting to be liked is also not a good reason for praise. Remember that excessive praise can backfire.
Constant approval of everything that a child does or does not do leads to the formation of inadequate self-esteem, which will subsequently negatively affect the process of his socialization and interpersonal interaction.
Women with low self-esteem suffer from insecurity, are afraid of criticism and do not know how to accept compliments. The habitual role of the victim does not allow us to perceive life in all its colors and boldly look into the future. We learn not to give in to manipulation.
As you know, self-esteem is how a person evaluates himself, his personal qualities and capabilities in comparison with other people, what place he assigns to himself in society. Self-esteem is not inherited - it is formed in preschool age under the influence of the people closest to the child - parents. It primarily depends on them whether the baby will have adequate self-esteem, high or low. And how his future life will turn out, how successful it will be, whether he will be able to set goals and achieve them or whether he will constantly doubt his abilities and come to terms with the stigma of a loser - all this depends on the level of his self-esteem.
It is not easy to live next to people who have high self-esteem, because they are convinced that they are always right, do not see their own shortcomings and do not admit their mistakes. They believe that they have the right to control others, strive to be the center of attention and show aggression if someone disagrees with them. “You are the best,” they were told in childhood. “You are a queen!” Dad repeated to a girl he knew. He believed that by feeling like a queen, she would make everyone around her believe it. But for some reason those around her did not want to play the role of her subjects, and there were fewer and fewer people who wanted to be friends with her.
Life is not easy for those whose... For some reason that is understandable to them, parents humiliate the child, showing their power over him, break him, making him obedient, and ultimately turn him into an infantile, weak-willed creature on which everyone wipes their feet.
“It’s terrible what you’ve done, you can’t be entrusted with anything!”, “You’re just ruining everything - better leave”, “Look at Anya, she’s a girl like a girl, and you’re disheveled and a slob”, “Now you’ll get it from me, it’s such an infection ! - criticism, threats, comparison with other children, unwillingness to take into account the child’s opinion and see him as an individual, talking to him in a commanding tone reduces his self-respect and self-esteem. His own life attitudes have not yet been formed, and he considers his parents’ beliefs to be an immutable truth. Psychologists call this direct suggestion, and children at an early age are very suggestible.
If mom and dad call a child a fool and a nonentity, then that is exactly how he will perceive himself. As the proverb says: “Tell a man a hundred times that he is a pig, and on the hundred and first he will grunt.” Others will perceive him the same way.
Another test for a child's self-esteem is adolescence. At this time, he is very vulnerable and takes criticism painfully. If you repeat to him that nothing good will come of him and that his only choice is to go to prison or to jail, then you shouldn’t be surprised that this will happen.
Ultimately, people with low self-esteem justify all the nicknames and epithets that were awarded to them in childhood. They really become losers, losers, outsiders. They lose, sometimes without even entering the game, because they are indecisive and do not believe in themselves. “I’m not worthy,” they explain their loss.
Women with low self-esteem - which men choose them?
Women with low self-esteem, just like men with the same character, do not achieve significant success in life because they “know their place.” However, psychologists have noticed that they, in addition, attract men of a certain type - domineering, authoritarian and selfish. It is beneficial for them to have such a woman at their side, because she is not demanding and is easy to manage. It is easy to convince her that her main task is to create comfortable conditions for her husband, raise children, and she has no right to demand more than he can give her.
A woman with low self-esteem is also convenient because she does not need to be jealous - she is grateful to her husband for marrying her and does not look at anyone else. And even if she does look, she believes that she herself does not deserve the attention of men. The husband can relax, because if he were married to a woman with adequate or high self-esteem, he would have to strain to measure up. And so he is forgiven a lot - pettiness, rudeness, and sloppiness, because a woman believes that she does not deserve better.
A woman with low self-esteem is treated negatively not only by her husband, but also by those around her. Knowing that she cannot refuse, they sometimes sit on her head, hanging their problems on her and shifting their responsibilities onto her. Moreover, women with low self-esteem are often perfectionists who strive to do everything in the best possible way.
It is especially easy for them to instill in them a feeling of guilt. In an effort to make amends for this really non-existent guilt, they try even harder to please in order to earn praise.
What are they like - women with low self-esteem?
Many women have no idea that all their depression and failures are associated with low self-esteem. They think: this is how life turned out, the unfavorable circumstances are to blame for what prevented them from becoming happy, successful and loved. “You can’t escape fate!” they resign themselves, instead of working on personal attitudes with the help of which they can change their attitude towards themselves - to love themselves. Are we not worthy of this love? “I’m alone at home,” says psychologist Ekaterina Mikhailova, who wrote a book with the same title. If we want to be understood, valued and loved by others, we must learn to understand, value and love ourselves.
Do these women remind us of anyone? They:
1. Trouble-free
But not because they are compassionate and feel satisfaction from fulfilling other people’s requests. On the contrary, they scold themselves for not being able to refuse, they get angry and irritated. But they are unable to say “no”: suddenly the person asking will be offended or think badly of them, but someone else’s opinion is very important to them, and it must certainly be positive;
2. They take criticism painfully.
Women with adequate self-esteem also adequately perceive criticism: they accept it or not, without falling into hysterics. If you tell a woman with low self-esteem that she is wrong, it will almost become a tragedy for her. Resentment, tears and indignation will follow, because she perceives criticism as an insult and humiliation, hints at her inferiority. After all, as you know, people with low self-esteem want to please everyone and be good to everyone;
3. Overly critical of your appearance
They do not tolerate criticism from others, but they themselves are never satisfied with themselves and their appearance, so they strive not to stand out, to be in the shadows. They don't like their figure, their face, their body, their hair - nothing. At the same time, they often engage in public self-criticism, obviously subconsciously expecting that those around them will begin to dissuade them, assure them otherwise and give compliments;
4. They don’t know how to accept compliments.
They love them, but they don’t know how to accept them. It is possible that in response to praise that she looks great today, a woman with low self-esteem will fuss and say something like: “Yes, I washed my hair today” or “Oh, this is an old dress, so it doesn’t show who I am.” became a cow";
5. Feel like a victim
Their vulnerable psyche reacts painfully to every sidelong glance and crooked word. They exaggerate their importance in the lives of other people; it seems to them that others are only thinking about how to offend them. They often feel sorry for themselves, repeating when they fail: “Well, not with my happiness”;
6. Giving up their own desires
They have their own dreams and desires, but they are driven somewhere so deep that they no longer remind of themselves. And all because women with low self-esteem live by other people's desires. Have you been waiting for the day off to take a walk in the park with your husband? But he said: “We’re going to the dacha to clean the garden, weed the vegetable garden.” Tired and want to take a break? “What a vacation! Look, my old mother is working, and you’re lying down?!” “Tomorrow my friends will come to visit. Do not want? Can't be. Let’s run to the kitchen, to the stove!”
They do not know how to refuse, because this means disappointing others, not meeting their hopes, which women with low self-esteem cannot allow;
7. Inability to make choices and take responsibility
They too often utter the words: “I can’t,” “I won’t succeed,” “I don’t have the right to decide this.” It is not surprising that making a decision is incredibly difficult for them, because you can make a mistake and earn disapproval and receive a negative assessment. Therefore, they hesitate for a long time and, if possible, shift this task to others: “What do you recommend? I will do as you say";
8. Unsatisfied with your surroundings
They often complain to colleagues and friends that their husband suppresses them, their mother-in-law finds fault with them, and their relatives do not appreciate them. At home they cry that the boss does not take their point of view into account, and that the employees offend them. Psychologists say that subconsciously women with low self-esteem themselves attract people who do not value them, and thus further strengthen the opinion that they are worthless losers.
We increase our self-esteem
Women who are tired of being a puppet and an object of manipulation, who want to live their own lives and not depend on other people's opinions, can correct their character. It's not difficult - you just need to want to change.
1. Minimize or stop communicating with people around whom self-esteem decreases
We doubt, constantly seek advice, show uncertainty, show how someone's remark hurts us, constantly make excuses and easily take the blame upon ourselves - and in the end we become such a whipping boy, an eternal scapegoat that no one takes seriously. and which is not usually taken into account. People easily figure out someone they can treat condescendingly, condescendingly, and begin to manipulate him.
To a large extent, we are to blame for the current situation: they say that we are treated the way we allow ourselves to be treated.
But if we are no longer satisfied with this state of affairs, we must “show our teeth” - of course, not with the help of hysterics. We control our reactions, not giving any reason to consider us a spineless mumble.
Changing the attitude of those who are already accustomed to our “toothlessness” towards ourselves is more difficult than starting to build relationships from scratch, but it is possible. However, if those around us stubbornly continue to assert themselves at our expense, then we have no need for such communication. We will spend time with those with whom we become better and gain confidence in our abilities.
2. Love yourself
Nowadays a lot is said and written about the need to love yourself. Loving yourself does not mean not giving a damn about others and carrying yourself, your beloved, like a sack. This means understanding yourself, learning to live in harmony with yourself and the world, respecting yourself and not engaging in self-flagellation and self-criticism.
Louise Hay, a famous American psychologist and author of several books on psychological self-help, suggests going to the mirror in the morning and looking at your reflection and saying: “I love you. What can I do for you today to make you joyful and happy?” At first, this phrase will be hindered by some internal protest, but soon it will sound natural and free.
As Louise Hay writes, “I’m not trying to fix the problem. I am correcting my thoughts. And then the problem corrects itself.”
3. Set ourselves positive attitudes
We do this with the help of visualizations. The above phrase by Louise Hay about self-love is one of the possible affirmations. Some people complain that affirmations don't work for them. “I repeat the same thing ten times a day, but nothing changes,” they say.
Louise Hay compares affirmations to a grain or seed - it is not enough to plant it, it needs to be watered, it needs to be looked after. Having planted, for example, a tomato, we don’t expect to get fruit tomorrow, do we? The same can be said about affirmations and visualizations - they stimulate us and do not let us forget about the goal, but for them to work, we must take real steps.
4. Meditate
For example: we relax, close our eyes and mentally transport ourselves to some wonderful place where we once were and where we felt good. We will feel it very clearly - sounds, smells. Then let’s imagine a wandering wizard who tells us: “My dear, you are beautiful and unique. You have the right to your opinion, you may not know something or be wrong. You can judge for yourself what is good and what is bad, and take responsibility whenever you wish. You have the right to decide for yourself what and when to do. You have the right to be who you are! You came into this world, on this planet for your own sake!”
The wizard smiles at us and says goodbye to us, and we take a breath, open our eyes and return to reality.
5. We don’t save on ourselves
Remarque wrote that “A woman who saves on herself evokes in a man the only desire - to save on her.”
Nothing raises a woman's self-esteem more than the confidence that she is good and desirable. (Obviously, this is why some men are satisfied with an unpretentious and undemanding wife, around whom they can relax without fear that she will leave or be taken away.)
A gym, swimming pool, beauty salon, SPA salon, etc. are not only about external beauty, but also about health, and above all mental health.
In my practice, I constantly come across questions that clients ask me: “Why do people treat me this way, what’s wrong with my self-esteem?” First, let's figure out what self-esteem is in principle. This is an assessment of yourself, your strengths and weaknesses. Self-esteem is:
- underestimated – underestimating one’s own strengths;
- overestimated – overestimation of one’s own strengths;
- normal – adequate assessment of oneself, one’s own strengths in certain life situations, in setting one’s goals and objectives, in adequate perception of the world, in communicating with people.
What are the signs of low self-esteem?
- The attitude of others as an indicator. How a person treats himself is how others treat him. If he does not love, respect and value himself, then he is faced with the same attitude of people towards him.
- Inability to manage your own life. A person believes that he cannot cope with something, cannot make a decision, hesitates, thinks that nothing depends on him in this life, but depends on circumstances, other people, the state. Doubting his capabilities and strengths, he either does nothing at all or shifts the responsibility for choice to others.
- Tendency to blame others or self-flagellation. Such people do not know how to take responsibility for their lives. When it is beneficial for them, they engage in self-flagellation so that they will be pitied. And if they don’t want pity, but self-justification, then they blame others for everything.
- The desire to be good, to please, to be liked, to adapt to another person to the detriment of oneself and one’s personal desires.
- Frequent complaints to others. Some people with low self-esteem tend to complain about others and constantly blame them, thereby removing responsibility for failures from themselves. It’s not without reason that they say that the best defense is an attack.
- Focusing on your shortcomings rather than your strengths. In particular, being overly critical of your appearance. A sign of low self-esteem is pickiness about your appearance, constant dissatisfaction with your figure, eye color, height and body in general.
- Permanent nervousness, groundless aggression. And vice versa - apathy and depressive states from loss of oneself, the meaning of life, a failure, criticism from the outside, a failed exam (interview), etc.
- Loneliness or vice versa – fear of loneliness. Quarrels in relationships, excessive jealousy, as a result of the thought: “You can’t love someone like me.”
- The development of addictions and addictions as a way of temporarily escaping reality.
- Strong dependence on the opinions of other people. Inability to refuse. Painful reaction to criticism. Absence/suppression of one's own desires.
- Closedness, closedness from people. Feeling sorry for yourself. Inability to accept compliments. Permanent victim state. As they say, the victim will always find an executioner.
- Heightened sense of guilt. He tries on critical situations on himself, without sharing his guilt and the role of the prevailing circumstances. He accepts any showdown in relation to himself as the culprit of the situation, because this will be the “best” confirmation of his inferiority.
How does high self-esteem manifest itself?
- Arrogance. A person puts himself above others: “I am better than them.” Constant competition as a way to prove this, “flaunting” one’s merits.
- Closedness as one of the manifestations of arrogance and a reflection of the thought that others are lower than him in status, intelligence and other qualities.
- Confidence in your own rightness and constant proof of this is the “salt” of life. The last word must always remain with him. The desire to control the situation, to play a dominant role. Everything should be done as he sees fit, those around him should dance to his tune.
- Setting lofty goals. If they are not achieved, frustration sets in. A person suffers, falls into depression, apathy, and despises himself.
- Inability to admit your mistakes, apologize, ask for forgiveness, lose. Fear of evaluation. Painful reaction to criticism.
- Fear of making a mistake, appearing weak, defenseless, unsure of yourself.
- The inability to ask for help is a reflection of the fear of appearing defenseless. If he asks for help, it is more like a demand, an order.
- Focus only on yourself. Puts his own interests and hobbies first.
- The desire to teach the lives of others, to “poke” them into the mistakes they have made and show them how to do it by the example of oneself. Self-affirmation at the expense of others. Boastfulness. Excessive familiarity. Arrogance.
- Predominance of the pronoun “I” in speech. In conversations he says more than he does. Interrupts interlocutors.
For what reasons can failures in self-esteem occur?
Childhood trauma, the causes of which can be any event significant for the child, and there are a huge number of sources.Oedipal period. Age from 3 to 6-7 years. At an unconscious level, the child acts out a partnership with his parent of the opposite sex. And the way the parent behaves will affect the child’s self-esteem and how he or she will develop a scenario for relationships with the opposite sex in the future.
Teenage years. Age 13 to 17-18 years. A teenager searches for himself, trying on masks and roles, building his life path. He tries to find himself by asking the question: “Who am I?”
Certain attitudes towards children from significant adults(lack of affection, love, attention), as a result of which children may begin to feel unnecessary, unimportant, unloved, unrecognized, etc.
Some patterns of parental behavior, which subsequently passes on to children and becomes their behavior in life. For example, low self-esteem among the parents themselves, when these same projections are imposed on the child.
The only child in the family when all attention is focused on him, everything is only for him, when there is an inadequate assessment by parents of his abilities. This is where high self-esteem comes from, when a child cannot adequately assess his strengths and abilities. He begins to believe that the whole world is only for him, everyone owes him, there is an emphasis only on himself, the cultivation of egoism.
Low assessment by parents and relatives of the child, his abilities and actions. The child is not yet able to evaluate himself and forms an opinion about himself based on the assessment of people significant to him (parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc.). As a result, the child develops low self-esteem.
Constant criticism of a child leads to low self-esteem, low self-esteem and closedness. In the absence of approval of creative endeavors and admiration for them, the child feels unrecognized for his abilities. If this is followed by constant criticism and scolding, then he refuses to create, create, and therefore develop anything.
Excessive demands on the child can foster both high and low self-esteem. Often parents want to see their child the way they would like to see themselves. They impose their destiny on it, building on it projections of their goals that they could not achieve themselves. But beyond this, parents stop seeing the child as a person, beginning to see only their projections, roughly speaking, of themselves, their ideal selves. The child is sure: “For my parents to love me, I must be the way they want me to be.” He forgets about his present self and can either successfully or unsuccessfully meet parental demands.
Comparison with other good children lowers self-esteem. Conversely, the desire to please parents inflates self-esteem in pursuit and competition with others. Then other children are not friends, but rivals, and I must be better than others.
Overprotection, excessive taking of responsibility for the child in making decisions for him, right down to who to be friends with, what to wear, when and what to do. As a result, the child ceases to develop the Self; he does not know what he wants, does not know who he is, does not understand his needs, abilities, desires. Thus, parents cultivate in him lack of independence and, as a result, low self-esteem (up to the loss of the meaning of life).
The desire to be like a parent, which can be either natural or forced, when the child is constantly told: “Your parents have achieved so much, you must be like them, you have no right to fall flat on your face.” There is a fear of slipping up, making a mistake, or not being perfect, as a result of which self-esteem may be low and initiative may be completely killed.
Above I have given some of the common reasons why problems with self-esteem arise. It is worth adding that the line between the two “poles” of self-esteem can be quite thin. For example, overestimating oneself may be a compensatory and protective function of underestimating one’s strengths and capabilities.
As you can already understand, most problems in adult life stem from childhood. The child’s behavior, his attitude towards himself and the attitude towards him from surrounding peers and adults build certain strategies in life. Childhood behavior carries over into adulthood with all its defense mechanisms.
Ultimately, entire life scenarios of adulthood are built. And this happens so organically and imperceptibly for ourselves that we do not always understand why certain situations happen to us, why people behave this way with us. We feel unnecessary, unimportant, unloved, we feel that we are not valued, we are offended and hurt by this, we suffer. This all manifests itself in relationships with loved ones, colleagues and superiors, the opposite sex, and society as a whole.
It is logical that both low and high self-esteem are not the norm. Such states cannot make you a truly happy person. Therefore, something needs to be done about the current situation. If you yourself feel that it’s time to change something, that you would like something in your life to become different, then the time has come.
How to deal with low self-esteem?
- Make a list of your qualities, strengths, virtues that you like about yourself or that your loved ones like. If you don't know, ask them about it. In this way, you will begin to see the positive aspects of yourself as a person, thereby starting to cultivate self-esteem.
- Make a list of the things that bring you pleasure. If possible, start performing them for yourself. By doing this, you will cultivate love and care for yourself.
- Make a list of your desires and goals and move in this direction. Playing sports gives you tone, lifts your spirits, and allows you to take quality care of your body, which you are so dissatisfied with. At the same time, there is a release of negative emotions that were accumulated and did not have the opportunity to come out. And, of course, you will have objectively less time and energy for self-flagellation.
- Keeping an achievement diary can also boost your self-esteem. If every time you write down your biggest and smallest victories in it.
- Make a list of qualities that you would like to develop in yourself. Develop them with the help of various techniques and meditations, of which there are now plenty both on the Internet and offline.
- Communicate more with those whom you admire, who understand you, and from communication with whom “wings grow.” At the same time, minimize contacts with those who criticize, humiliate, etc. to the maximum possible level.
Scheme of working with inflated self-esteem
- First you need to understand that each person is unique in his own way, everyone has the right to their own point of view.
- Learn not only to listen, but also to hear people. After all, something is also important to them, they have their own desires and dreams.
- When caring for others, do it based on their needs, and not on what you think is right. For example, you came to a cafe, your interlocutor wants coffee, but you think that tea would be healthier. Don't force your tastes and opinions on him.
- Allow yourself to make mistakes and mistakes. This provides real ground for self-improvement and valuable experience with which people become wiser and stronger.
- Stop arguing with others and proving that you are right. You may not know it yet, but in many situations, everyone can be right in their own way.
- Don't get depressed if you couldn't achieve the desired result. It’s better to analyze the situation to see why it happened, what you did wrong, what was the reason for the failure.
- Learn adequate self-criticism (of yourself, your actions, decisions).
- Stop competing with others on every issue. Sometimes it looks extremely stupid.
- Stick out your merits as little as possible, thereby underestimating others. The objective merits of a person do not need to be clearly demonstrated - they are seen through actions.
Be. Do. Have
What does it mean?“To have” is a goal, a desire, a dream. This is the result you want to see in your life.
“Doing” means strategies, tasks, behavior, actions. These are the actions that lead to the desired result.
“Be” is your sense of yourself. Who are you inside yourself, for real, and not for others? Who do you feel like?
In my practice, I like to work with the “being of a person,” with what happens inside him. Then “to do” and “to have” will come by themselves, organically forming into the picture that a person wants to see, into the life that satisfies him and allows him to feel happy. It is much more effective to work with the cause rather than the effect. Eliminating the root of the problem, what creates and attracts such problems, rather than alleviating the current condition, allows you to truly improve the situation.
In addition, the problem is not always and not everyone is aware of; it can sit deep in the unconscious. Working in this way is necessary in order to return a person to himself, to his unique values and resources, his strength, his own life path and understanding of this path. Without this, self-realization in society and in the family is impossible. For this reason, I believe that the optimal way for a person to interact with himself is “being” therapy, not “doing”. This is not only effective, but also the safest, shortest path.
You were given two options: “do” and “be”, and everyone has the right to choose which way to go. Find a way to yourself. Not what society dictates to you, but to yourself - unique, real, holistic. How you will do this, I don’t know. But I am sure that you will find a way that will be better in your case. I found this in personal therapy and successfully apply it in certain therapeutic techniques for rapid personality change and transformation. Thanks to this, I found myself, my path, my calling.
Good luck in your endeavors!
Sincerely, psychologist-consultant
Drazhevskaya Irina
