She came into your life with your husband. She does a lot of things wrong, causing your irritation. She would like you to call her “mom”, or, on the contrary, she urges you not to do this. She is a favorite topic for discussion with friends. She tends to give advice that you don't ask for. She... is your mother-in-law, and now also your child's grandmother.
You and her
In our everyday life, the topic of conflicts between son-in-law and mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is heard constantly. How many anecdotes, sayings, and sayings exist about this! Often behind the question "Are you married?" The question follows: “What about your mother-in-law?” There is a stereotype that this area of relationships is potentially (and more often, actually) conflicting. So why is this happening?
The first (and main) condition is psychological mechanisms guiding mother-in-law's behavior. The second is the tension that the daughter-in-law experiences in advance, not expecting anything good from her husband’s mother (she had heard from her friends how this happens).
What directs the mother-in-law’s behavior into the sphere of confrontation with her daughter-in-law?
- Fear that her son's love for her will decrease that now she will become unnecessary and will be “forgotten.” Before your marriage, she was the only main woman in her son’s life, but after the wedding, she understands that the “main” female place can be taken.
- Position of defeated power. One way or another, the mother greatly influenced her son’s behavior (or believed that she did). Now, when her son comes into the “possession” of her daughter-in-law, this is perceived very painfully.
- Increased emotionality. A woman lives more with her heart and emotions, so it is difficult for her mother-in-law to accept that part of her “most precious thing” has been “taken away” from her.
- For a woman, due to her biological, historical, social role, the family always represents the greatest meaning and significance. Therefore, any changes or “losses” in the family are extremely sensitive for a woman.
All these moments are consciously or unconsciously present in any mother-in-law. But we all know examples where the relationship with the daughter-in-law is, if not ideal, then quite good. Favorable relationships are more likely where the mother-in-law takes her son’s separation (even psychological, not territorial) for granted, where it is possible for a young family to live separately, and they also depend on the character of the mother-in-law herself (emotional stability, tactfulness, optimism and other qualities ).
But don’t forget about another important person - your daughter-in-law. The second condition for an unfulfilling relationship is precisely her position. Young women are frightened in advance by stories about “terrible” mothers-in-law, and therefore simply expect something similar in their family, even if the mother-in-law does not do anything “terrible”, the daughter-in-law is suspicious of any of her actions. Any neutral phrase can be perceived as an insult, an innocent question as a hint. And now the daughter-in-law meticulously examines the views and actions of her mother-in-law, finding “compromising evidence” in them. And the husband’s mother, initially inclined to have an even, if not trusting, attitude towards her daughter-in-law, begins to defend herself. And the best defense is attack. And here again the daughter-in-law and mother-in-law come to the situation of “found a scythe on a stone.”
When a child appears in a young family, this becomes a new “bone of contention” for the daughter-in-law and mother-in-law. Even in those families where there is an even relationship, tension can arise with the birth of a child. Young mothers complain about numerous unnecessary advice on caring for the baby that their mother-in-law gives, about the fact that she wants to devote too little (too much) time to the child, about the fact that she cannot influence her son in the “right” direction, about gifts that the mother-in-law gives to the baby. Jealousy, reluctance to place the child in the arms of the mother-in-law, and preference for one’s own mother as the “main” grandmother often manifest themselves. If the relationship was already not very good, then the daughter-in-law may have a desire to completely exclude the mother-in-law from the baby’s life. Of course, this situation is bad for the young woman, and for her husband, and for his mother, and for the child himself. Therefore, it is necessary to improve relations with your mother-in-law. This is the very situation when a bad peace is better than a good quarrel.
So what should you do to reduce tension and improve relationships?
Masha gave birth to Sonechka six months ago. Masha remembers the first month of her daughter’s life with a shudder. My mother-in-law was sent from another city to help the young mother. Agreeing to this, Masha did not imagine the extent of the disaster: their communication with her mother-in-law had previously been rare and completely civilized. Masha hoped that Faina Anatolyevna would be able to sometimes walk with her granddaughter, help prepare food for the whole family, and sometimes clean up the place. Indeed, my mother-in-law helped with all this. But this was accompanied by an avalanche of “benevolent” advice. “Why, baby, don’t you separate the sheets from the pillowcases and put them in one pile?” “Why are you putting on a onesie for the baby? She’s getting in her way with her little hands, it’s better to swaddle her!” “When will you start giving apple juice?” “Feed for up to six months, and then switch to formula, the milk is no longer healthy.” From morning to evening, Masha listened to endless advice. Perhaps she was still a novice mother, but she consulted with doctors, read books and magazines, and asked for advice from “experienced” mothers. She had developed her own concept, and many of her mother-in-law’s advice seemed outdated. And Masha sighed with relief, left without her “help”...
Indeed, many young women complain that their mothers-in-law give a lot of advice. And the number of these tips increases like an avalanche with the advent of a baby. Grandmothers (both mother-in-law and, indeed, their own mother) believe that the new mother “knows nothing” and she simply needs their rich experience. And there is no irony in the word “rich”: they have indeed already gone through this path of motherhood (and some more than once), and from their height they see many things a little differently.
Daughters-in-law tend to consider many tips outdated, because the mother-in-law herself was a young mother 20-30 years ago, and during this time the principles of child care and parenting strategies have changed. Feeding “by the hour”, limiting frequent carrying, early complementary feeding are almost a thing of the past, but in the minds of older women these principles are alive. As a rule, grandmothers rarely pick up magazines for young parents, as well as popular pediatric and psychological literature about. Daughters-in-law, on the contrary, are actively interested in these issues, which creates an obvious dissonance between the opinions of grandmothers and young mothers.
Is it possible to protect yourself from intrusive advice? There are several basic strategies for this.
- Active resistance- “don’t tell me what I need to do, and I won’t answer you rudely.” Of course, active resistance, which often borders on rudeness, is not the most winning strategy. Perhaps your mother-in-law will stop giving you advice, but the relationship will be damaged. Without the opportunity to speak openly, the mother-in-law may begin to express complaints against you to your husband, and this is a difficult situation for both the “transmitter” and the “addressee”.
- Ignoring- “it went into one ear...”. This, in fact, is the devaluation of the mother-in-law’s advice either immediately after they are received or over time. It’s good if the daughter-in-law manages to “save face” by nodding and saying “thank you” for the advice, internally understanding that she will not carry it out. This strategy is slightly better than the previous one, but it also has disadvantages. It is difficult to use if you live with your mother-in-law. Failure to use “valuable recommendations” will immediately become obvious and can give rise to misunderstanding (“Didn’t you say “thank you” for the advice?!”). Also, complete ignorance will not allow you to isolate from the entire mass of advice the “golden grain” that they certainly contain.
- Diplomatic relations. Using this strategy, you learn to listen to what your mother-in-law is actually saying, and also enter into dialogue. Undoubtedly, not all mothers-in-law are ready for this, especially those who have authoritarian traits. But it's still worth trying. At least you will be sure that you did everything you could on your part. Your task is not only to listen, but also to hear what she says. If some advice seems completely outdated and unacceptable to you, don’t say it. It is better to firmly say that your pediatrician or psychologist has given different recommendations, and you are going to adhere to them. You can also tell what these recommendations are so that your mother-in-law can feel that you consider her an equal partner since you are bringing her up to date. And this is a cooperation strategy.
It is not possible that all advice without exception is inappropriate or outdated. Many of them are quite suitable for today. There are many quite wise grandmothers who, without studying modern approaches, do everything correctly intuitively. And even in the mass of outdated advice, you can always find a rational grain. It’s good if you can consider this, putting aside the prejudices about “mother-in-law’s advice.”
Situation two: “Mother-in-law and her principles of education.”
Lada adhered to strict principles regarding the nutrition of her daughter, 4-year-old Katyusha. The girl was supposed to eat only in the kitchen, and not in the rooms near the TV and toys. Lada did not allow any songs, dances, or persuasion: if Katyusha wanted to eat, then she ate everything anyway, and if she didn’t want to, she could leave the table. Healthy snacks were allowed. But also - only at the dinner table. In the summer, the kindergarten was not open, and therefore Lada’s mother-in-law offered to look after the girl. Lada agreed, warning that there are certain rules regarding nutrition that should be followed. The mother-in-law agreed. But one day Lada had to return home for the forgotten keys, and imagine her surprise when she found her daughter in a chair in front of the TV with cartoons on and feeding her with a spoon! Lada’s indignation knew no bounds, although she restrained herself and did not express it right away, protecting her grandmother’s authority.
This situation leads in conflicts between daughter-in-law and mother-in-law. The grandmother does not listen to how the mother raises the baby, what principles she follows in nutrition, in and even in the games that need to be played with the child! Some of the daughters-in-law's demands are quite legal, because... often associated with following doctor's orders, for example, in the case of certain diseases. How not to get angry if a grandmother gave a child suffering from a strictly prohibited lollipop, which will make him itch for several days? Or again, once again, ignoring requests, she fed fatty pancakes to a child with chronic pancreatitis?
Show special persistence only in matters of principle.
However, principles of communication with a child that are alien to a young mother also become a “bone of discord” and are equated to “psychological trauma.” The mother is used to telling the truth and expects the same from the child, and the grandmother “takes the blame,” saying with a laugh and a wink that she painted the wallpaper. Or the mother prefers not to “babble” with the baby, even if he falls, and the grandmother will “sorry” for any scratch. My mother would like my grandmother to play some games, and my mother-in-law loves games like “the horned goat is coming.” The conflict is gaining momentum.
This is how the heroine of our story, Lada, described her feelings: “I am a mother, and if she undertakes to sometimes sit with my child, she should behave with him the way I discuss it with her. If she is not ready, then there is no need. A child should not have two upbringings, "It shouldn't be something my mother can't have, but it can be my grandmother's and vice versa. I talk through all the questions, and if I take her by surprise for violating things that are fundamental to me, I have only one desire - to never leave her with the child again.". Almost all daughters-in-law experience similar feelings. Is there a way out?
- Make sure you really discuss with her certain principles in parenting and care.. Sometimes you can hear: “But my husband told her that we visited an allergist and Petya was forbidden to eat eggs. So why did she give him kurabi?” The mother-in-law simply might not have realized that the product contained something forbidden. She might even have forgotten this information or really not given it much importance. You didn't talk to her about it in person, that's what's important. And when it comes to the fact that the grandmother is obliged to follow a certain strategy of a certain developmental system, then it is completely difficult to find understanding. First of all, she doesn't know the system the way you do. Secondly, during her life she heard about a lot of different systems, many of which did not take root and were considered not at all useful. Thirdly, she has her own views on all this. And it is imperative to discuss everything, removing the commanding and directive tone. Talk to your mother-in-law as you would talk to an interested friend, listen to objections.
- Show special persistence only in matters of principle, especially if the actions of the mother-in-law pose a real threat to the physical or psychological health of the child. Psychological harm can be caused if the mother-in-law is harsh with the baby, may “reward” him with an offensive epithet, communicates with him dismissively, often raises her voice, and experiences severe irritation when communicating with him. There should be very few such fundamental points, then, most likely, you will be able to agree. Otherwise, you’ll end up in a situation where you’re the one throwing down a barrage of advice. Think about how you yourself would feel about this.
-
Remember that she is a grandmother, a very important person in the baby’s life. Many mothers say: “I am the main one in the child’s life, and therefore everything should be done as I see fit.” In other cases, the “guilty” are punished by limiting communication with the child. This manipulative position, like any manipulation, causes discord in relationships. Yes , mom is, of course, a key figure. It is through communication with mom that the child’s emotional sphere develops. But dad, grandparents are also very important people. And therefore try not to concentrate on the little things, even if you don’t like something too much. The main indicator - does the child enjoy communication, does he wait for it, does he make contact with joy. And if so, then encourage this communication.
Situation three: “Mother-in-law and her visits.”
Lyudmila, Sergei and 5-year-old Kira live in their own apartment. Of course, this makes life much easier, but visits from her mother-in-law become a test for Lyuda. “I would like my mother-in-law to behave the same way as at the very beginning of our acquaintance,” says Luda. - Then I was like a stranger to her, in the sense of an outsider. She could come to visit such a person ONLY when she was invited (and not declare that she would come), she could give advice ONLY if she was asked (and not whenever she wanted), she could not criticize at all, only praise or be neutral. In my house, she behaved as if she were a guest, and not like she was at home - that is, she never took charge, did not rearrange things the way she liked, did not bring her things there and did not store them there, did not tell me how to wash the floor, and like dishes, she did not express dissatisfaction with the “mess” in children’s toys.”
Try to arrange for your mother-in-law to notify you or your husband about visits in advance.
Often daughters-in-law are dissatisfied with their mother-in-law's visits to their home. One of the important points is the time when the mother-in-law arrives, or in other words, the “surprise effect” of her arrival. It is clear that the house is not always in perfect order; dishes are sometimes waiting in the sink, and dust is on the shelves. Often both spouses work, leaving very little time for housework. As they say, I’m so tired “that I barely have enough strength to watch TV.” A bored child, returning from kindergarten, also requires communication with his parents. Spouses living separately from their parents perceive their visit as a visit from guests (especially the daughter-in-law), and it is customary to prepare for a guest’s visit. The daughter-in-law assumes that the “second mother’s” view is critical, and not at all benevolently justifying. And he really is like that, because... daughters-in-law often receive a portion of moralizing or pursed lips. Some mothers-in-law immediately rush for a rag and start cleaning as if they are disgusted to stand on this floor until they wipe it with their own hands. Of course, this is humiliating for the daughter-in-law, so can it be considered strange that she does not like unexpected visits? Let's think about how to solve this problem.
- Recognize her right to visit you. Most likely, she still comes to visit not to count specks of dust, but to communicate with her son and grandchildren. And she must have this opportunity.
- Use humor to help. He will help you gently hint that your mother-in-law's visit is unexpected for you. If she has a sense of humor, then you can joke, for example, about the unexpected landing of mothers-in-law in your neighborhood. If you don’t have it, joke to yourself, this also helps to maintain a good mood.
- Try to arrange for her to notify you or your husband of visits in advance.. You don’t have to demand this directly, but talk about what a wonderful pie recipe you were given at work, and you would like to prepare it for your mother-in-law, but you need to know when she comes. In general, subtle diplomacy, which suggests the need to warn about the visit, is very useful here.
- If the visit was unexpected and not very pleasant, do not concentrate on the negative. Don't make excuses by explaining why something is wrong with you. Everyone has the right to live and organize their life as they see fit. Gently stop any attempts to clean up or rearrange things by taking your mother-in-law out to drink tea.
Situation four: “mother-in-law and her gifts”
What kind of gifts do some mothers-in-law give! Daughters-in-law, some with laughter and some with indignation, talk about...
...a Chinese train that crumbles in your hands and was given to a six-month-old baby;
...a started bottle of shampoo;
...a set of floor rags in a gift box;
...a cream for aging skin, given to my 23-year-old daughter-in-law;
...an absurdly huge Mickey Mouse that took up the entire sofa and scared a 3-year-old child;
...a set of chocolate eggs for a child with allergies.
The list goes on and on, and if young women are ready to give up on an unsuccessful gift for themselves (or the absence of one at all), then the attitude towards gifts for a child is completely different. It’s a shame when you can’t give a gift to a child, especially when he already understands that this is a gift and it was brought to him. We can talk about products that cause allergies, which are often “on duty” gifts: chocolates, chemical-colored candies, nuts.
But there is another aspect to this problem. It occurs when the mother is overly passionate about developmental techniques. Such mothers will definitely choose something “developing” from the whole mass of toys in the store: a logic constructor, insert frames, lacing, etc. But mother-in-law gifts in the form of doll dishes or a doll bath are criticized as “giving nothing.” In this case, you can speak out in defense of your mother-in-law (or other relatives). For the development of a child, especially after 3 years, toys are needed that can stimulate story-based play, where the baby can feel like a doctor, a cook, a carpenter, an astronaut, or a soldier. And for this you need the simplest items: dishes, sets for role-playing games, for example, as a doctor, tools that grandmothers often bring as gifts. Of course, it’s great when a child has well-developed fine motor skills and logical thinking, but this should go hand in hand with a well-developed imagination and playful fantasy.
If there is dissatisfaction with gifts, then...
- Try to be more tolerant. After all, a gift is not something obligatory. You will buy the necessary thing yourself. But you still need to remember that the grandmother may have carefully chosen her gift and dreamed about how happy the baby would be. Therefore, even if the gift was not very successful from your point of view, be more tolerant.
- If a gift is dangerous or unhealthy, try not to show it to your child. You can tactfully but confidently say that, for example, chocolate is contraindicated for your child and therefore you cannot give it to your child. Of course, this may cause offense, but it may also make you think, especially if you give reasons.
- Remember that not all gifts have to be “developmental”. Perhaps you constantly tell your mother-in-law that these are the kinds of gifts that should be given, but she has a different opinion. The baby needs different toys.
- Try to negotiate a "cash gift". Or, for example, invite your mother-in-law to go to the toy store together and help her make a choice. You can also choose a toy yourself for the allocated amount and give it to your mother-in-law so that she herself can give it to the child.
Towards good relationships
So, we examined several typical “conflict zones” and found out that the daughter-in-law is not always right in her claims to the mother-in-law. Relationships can work better if you adhere to a few general rules:
- Try to become less suspicious. It happens that the relationship with the mother-in-law has been quite smooth for several years, but the daughter-in-law is still waiting for a “trick”. Do not focus on existing stereotypes, look at actual relationships.
- You shouldn’t complain that your mother-in-law is “imperfect”. We ourselves cannot boast of this. Everyone has their own characteristics, and there is no need to think that our characteristics are somehow better than others. They're just different. Be more tolerant.
- Be more loyal, reduce your critical attitude. Perhaps you yourself are closely studying her home environment, making fun of her views on life. You enjoy discussing your in-laws with your friends. And since you think that you have the right to this, then why do you reproach her for similar behavior?
- Do not limit her communication with the child. Do not make the child a “trump card”, a reward for treating you well or fulfilling your demands. Try not to separate your mother and mother-in-law. They are both grandmothers, and in this status they have equal rights.
- Try to imagine yourself as a mother-in-law. If you have a girl, then the role of mother-in-law is also suitable, but it is easier for mothers of boys to do this. Imagine that it is your daughter-in-law who treats you the way you now treat your mother-in-law. That it is your daughter-in-law who limits you in communicating with the baby and demands that you unambiguously follow her “orders” in caring for him. That it is your daughter-in-law who does not want to see you visiting and is jealous when your son devotes time to you. Introduced? Your mother-in-law feels about the same thing. Remember: “treat others the way you want to be treated.”
- Strive for a partnership with your mother-in-law. Talk to her, tell her about the news of child psychology, pedagogy and pediatrics. Do not pose a fact, but argue your point of view. Try not only to listen, but also to hear what your mother-in-law says. And say “thank you” to her more often. It may not be ideal, but there are good reasons for this kind word.
Recently, Sergei Zverev Jr. married for the second time. His chosen one was a girl named Julia, with whom he worked together in a provincial hotel. The famous stylist was not present at the wedding of his only son.
According to the beloved star heir, her husband communicates with his father and tries to maintain a normal relationship with him. But Julia doesn’t want to impose herself on her newly-made relative.
“Seryozha communicates with dad as much as possible. But I don’t have any contact with Sergei Zverev Sr. I don't want to be a burden. I never aspired to fame or fame. That's not mine. Now I work as an accountant in one company, and Serezha is a programmer,” said Yulia.
According to the girl, in recent months a wave of criticism has hit her. There were rumors that the couple was barely making ends meet and had loan debts. However, the wife of the star heir refutes such speculation.
“We don’t have financial problems, we even go on vacation. This summer we were in Crimea. Next, maybe we’ll fly to some island abroad. We’ve been living together for two years now, and I’ve never heard any calls from collectors,” the girl was indignant.
Julia hastened to dispel several more rumors about herself. Thus, information often appeared in the media about the huge age difference between spouses. According to the girl, she is only 30 years old, and before meeting Sergei, she had never been married. The chosen one of the star heir claims that she was looking for her man for a long time, and finally met him.
Julia's family received her lover well. Now Zverev Jr. communicates well with the girl’s parents and often visits them. The couple even thought about having children, their relationship is so perfect.
“And when they ask me if I’m ready for kids, I answer: “As God sends!” If it works out, there will be children, but everything doesn’t depend on us,” the girl assures.
In an interview with Sobesednik.ru, Zverev Jr.’s chosen one noted that at first she was embarrassed by the star status of her husband’s relatives. Now Julia is trying not to be upset by the close attention of others to their family.
Perhaps because, in fact, the relationship between daughter-in-law and father-in-law is more often neutral or friendly.
In Rus' the father himself chose his son’s wife, so, by the way, the mother-in-law did not bully her daughter-in-law in the same way - the man was the head of the house. The man remains in charge in modern Russia. In Ukraine, there is a different type of family relationships: the dominance of the feminine principle is obvious, as even folklore proves. In our country, women are more often in charge, and accordingly, there are more conflicts between women of different generations. The mother-in-law is initially prejudiced towards her daughter-in-law, since she treats her son in a special way (just as a father treats his daughter). And, probably, the husband more often takes the wife’s side in a conflict with his daughter-in-law?
In a relationship between a father-in-law and a young daughter-in-law, there is such a position: the father-in-law can bully his daughter-in-law in several cases. The first is if he is henpecked, trying to please his wife in everything. The second is if the father-in-law and mother-in-law have a good partnership, and the daughter-in-law in some way hurts the interests of the mother-in-law. Then the father-in-law, naturally, will protect his precious one from the encroachments of a younger woman.
If the father-in-law is attracted to his daughter-in-law, but he does not allow this thought into his consciousness, since such relationships are taboo by society as indirect incest, the subconscious attraction will manifest itself as irritation and anger. Especially if the daughter-in-law herself provokes the father-in-law’s interest. Many young women do not think about the fact that their father-in-law is also a man, and run from the bedroom to the bathroom in a light robe over their naked bodies. If a young wife does not have a father (her parents are divorced or her father died long ago), then she will look for him in her father-in-law and unconsciously seduce him in the same way as many girls do with their father.
He realizes his interest and does not hide the relationship between the father-in-law and the young daughter-in-law. Yes, this also happens, and not so rarely. As a systemic family psychotherapist, I want to emphasize that such a situation can arise only under certain conditions that have developed in the family system, including both a small family of young people and the entire family clan. From how the father-in-law and mother-in-law interacted with each other all the years of their life together, how they experienced family crises (the birth of a son, his socialization, puberty, his “flying out of the nest”), what feelings they experienced when left alone with each other when the son has grown up. All this determines whether the father-in-law can experience male interest in his daughter-in-law and any kind of love relationship between the father-in-law and the young daughter-in-law.
If the father-in-law and mother-in-law have a good partnership, if they psychologically agreed to grow old together, then it is unlikely that he will become interested in his daughter-in-law. A henpecked man who dreams of escaping the tight embrace of his manipulative wife may set his sights on his daughter-in-law simply out of a sense of protest.
Besides, it is important what stage of life the man himself is at. He has probably already experienced a midlife crisis, and may be entering the male menopause - it all depends on the type of his sexuality, early or late maturation. Is menopause a decrease in potency?
Not only and not so much a decrease in potency, but an existential crisis, the realization that old age, and therefore death, is just around the corner. Let's say the father-in-law is already going through menopause, which means he needs to prove to himself and those around him (including his son) that he is still wow!
Is there an element of competition with your son in this situation? Certainly. On the one hand, the father perceives his son as an extension of himself and thinks: since my son chose this woman, it means there is something in her. Unlike the mother-in-law, he is able to appreciate not only the culinary and economic talents of his daughter-in-law, but also her feminine qualities. In addition, parents tend to project their unfulfilled dreams and unlived lives onto their children. He looks at his daughter-in-law and wonders: would he like to have such a wife? Or maybe the wife was like that, but 30 years ago... It’s not far from dangerous thoughts and any kind of relationship between a father-in-law and a young daughter-in-law. But isn't the father frightened by the obvious connotations of incest in this situation? Everything related to sexual relations with close relatives (a daughter-in-law is almost a daughter) is strictly taboo in society!
Moreover, in many countries there are corresponding laws regarding the relationship between a father-in-law and a young daughter-in-law. For example, in Britain, marriage between a woman and her ex-father-in-law is prohibited by law while the ex-husband is alive. The same applies to marriages between a former son-in-law and mother-in-law. But recently, one couple, a 60-year-old man and his 40-year-old ex-daughter-in-law, were so persistent in their desire to get married that they went to the Strasbourg court and received a marriage license. Things didn’t work out for the son with this woman, but everything worked out great for the father with her. By the way, this case illustrates a situation where the daughter-in-law herself reaches out to her father-in-law. A young husband is only a promise, a sketch of a man, while next to him there is an already formed, experienced man who knows what he wants from a woman and from life. There is a wonderful film on this topic, “Damages,” starring Juliette Binoche, about the passion that gripped a middle-aged high-ranking politician and his son’s fiancée. It's about many things at once.
Firstly, that sexual passion and the relationship between a father-in-law and a young daughter-in-law (even a potential one) can be experienced and demonstrated not only by a person of low culture. A middle-aged man, carried away by feeling, is able, despite all prohibitions and taboos, to say to himself: “For my son, everything is just beginning, he still has everything ahead. My life is already half lived. Now I love and want to realize my love. This is my life, and no one will stop me from living it the way I want.”
Secondly, we are talking about how we idealize our parents. For the son, his father’s act turned out to be something incredible; he experienced shock and, unable to bear the disappointment of the ideal, committed suicide. You should always remember that parents are people just like us, they also have their weaknesses, and they are also capable of great passion. It just occurred to me that jokes about daughter-in-law and father-in-law (as, by the way, about daughter-in-law and mother-in-law) may also not be written because this topic is too painful, too taboo to laugh at.
But probably, are there other, “soft” options for mutual sympathy between father-in-law and daughter-in-law? For example, they may have common interests. I remember the story of some friends. When the young man brought his girlfriend home to introduce him, her father really liked her. He was a highly educated man, a professor, absent-minded, always with his head in the clouds. His wife devoted herself to the home, was not highly intelligent, and did not pay attention to how she looked.
It is not surprising that the professor liked the young, beautiful, and most importantly, smart girl. They sat in the living room for hours and discussed the problems of globalization, the development of world cultures - in a word, topics that the professor could never talk about with his wife. He even told his son that the girl was pretty and complimented her. I think if the young couple had not broken up, but gotten married, the professor’s relationship with his daughter-in-law would have been ideal, but the mother-in-law might have been jealous.
Another example. There is one “outcast” in the family: the father-in-law. He divorced his wife a long time ago, broke off relations with his mother (and now his mother lives with her daughter-in-law, that is, mother-in-law). This man also does not maintain a relationship with his son. But once a year, on his daughter-in-law’s birthday, he always appears on her doorstep, dressed up, with a bouquet of flowers and a $100 bill in an envelope.
She accepts these gifts and turns everything into a joke with her husband, saying that $100 will never hurt. I think the motives in the relationship between the father-in-law and the young daughter-in-law are mixed: there is a desire to annoy all his loved ones, and competition with his son, and, perhaps, sympathy for his daughter-in-law. Let's return to the reader's letter. She asks for advice on how to behave so that a conflict does not break out... People often try to avoid conflict, believing that it is bad. However, conflict is also intimacy, albeit with a minus sign. We need to clarify the relationship.
First of all, you should discuss the situation with your husband. His reaction depends on how his relationship with his father was built. If he idealizes his father, he will be shocked and may not believe his daughter-in-law. But in any case, this needs to be discussed. In addition, it is worth starting to build clearer boundaries - for yourself and for your small family. She has the right to feel what she feels, think what she thinks, live her life as she sees fit, and not feel guilty about it.
“I’m not imposing anything on you, but you don’t impose anything on me either,” this should be her position, both in this situation and in relations with her husband’s parents and with people in general. It might be worth talking to your father-in-law himself. But all these are temporary measures; you need to insist on settling separately.
However, it all depends on what kind of relationships are in the family. However, the conflict will benefit everyone - something will change, things will flow differently. There is no point in hiding skeletons in the closet - sooner or later you will have to get them out anyway.
Valeria Protasova
Reading time: 4 minutes
A A
Problems and lack of mutual understanding in the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law are a more than common situation. Of course, there are no universal recipes for “friendship” between them - each situation requires its own methods.
- The best recipe for an ideal relationship with your mother-in-law is separate accommodation. Moreover, the further it goes, the happier these relations will be. , both the daughter-in-law and her husband will constantly feel pressure from their mother-in-law, which, of course, will not benefit the relationship of the young family.
- Whatever the mother-in-law is, if there is no way to distance herself, then she must be accepted with all her qualities and sides. And realize that your mother-in-law is not your rival. That is, do not try to “outdo” her and recognize (at least outwardly) her “supremacy”.
- Teaming up with someone against the mother-in-law (husband, father-in-law, etc.) is initially meaningless. Apart from breaking the relationship in the end, this does not promise anything.
- If you decide to have a heart-to-heart talk with your mother-in-law, then try to focus on her opinions and desires, do not allow an aggressive tone and try to find a way out of the problematic situation together.
- When living with your mother-in-law, remember that the kitchen is just her territory. Therefore, you should not change anything in the kitchen at your own discretion. But maintaining order and cleaning up after yourself is important. And, of course, your mother-in-law will be pleased if you ask her for advice or a recipe for a dish.
- No matter how much you would like to complain about your mother-in-law’s husband, you cannot do this. Even as a joke. At a minimum, you will lose your mother-in-law's respect.
- In a cohabitation situation, immediately discuss the rules of your small family with your mother-in-law. That is, for example, not to enter your room, not to take things, etc. Of course, this should be done exclusively in a friendly tone.
- If you are looking for equality in your relationship with your mother-in-law, then don't try to treat her like a daughter treats her mother. On the one hand, it’s good when a mother-in-law loves her daughter-in-law like a daughter. On the other hand, she will control her as if she were her own child. The choice is yours.
- Mother-in-law doesn't want to maintain a normal relationship? Is a scandal inevitable? And you, of course, are guilty of all possible sins? Don't react. Don't answer in the same tone, do not add fuel to the fire. The flaring scandal will subside on its own.
- Do not forget that the mother-in-law is also a woman. And what woman doesn’t melt from attention and gifts? You don't need to buy her respect with expensive things, but Small gestures can go a long way in improving your relationship..
- Initially, set boundaries in your relationship with your mother-in-law.. She must immediately understand in what areas you will not tolerate her interference. Otherwise, be patient and wise. Does he grumble or swear unreasonably? Think about something pleasant and ignore her words.
- Find a way to get by without your mother-in-law's help, even when it is simply necessary. This applies to childcare, financial assistance, and everyday situations. It is rare that a mother-in-law will be a “natural mother” in these matters. As a rule, you will then be reproached for the fact that she is taking care of your children, you live on her money, and in the house without her, cockroaches and snakes would already be crawling.
- Resolve any conflict that arises with your mother-in-law together with your husband.. Do not rush into the embrasure alone. And even more so, don’t do this in the absence of your husband. Then they will report to him about the conflict, taking into account the opinion of the mother-in-law, and in this “report” you will not be shown in the best light. If the husband stubbornly refuses to “get involved in these women’s affairs,” this is already a reason for a serious conversation with him, and not with the mother-in-law. Read: It is clear that no one wants to choose the side of mother or wife in a conflict, but if your little family is dear to him, then he will do everything to eliminate these conflicts. For example, he will talk to his mother or find an option for separate accommodation.
Valeria Protasova
Psychologist with more than three years of practical experience in social psychology and pedagogy. Psychology is my life, my work, my hobby and way of life. I write what I know about. I believe that human relationships are important in all areas of our lives.
Share with your friends and rate the article:
