The happiest day is behind us, so it is now important for newlyweds to know what needs to be done after the wedding: resolving issues related to updating the young wife’s documents, forming a family budget, making joint purchases and organizing their daily life. The main thing in a series of everyday life is not to lose the trepidation of feelings, tenderness in relationships.
Things that await newlyweds immediately after the wedding
The volleys of festive fireworks have died down, the first wedding night is over. The couple in love has reached a new serious stage in their relationship, which brings with it not only pleasure for each other, but also some troubles:
- Changing the bride's surname is an important event in the life of a young family. A man is proud that he gave his last name to the woman he loves, so giving it up and leaving it as a maiden name is a wrong choice. As a last resort, leave both last names with a hyphen;
- Changing the surname entails replacing all the documents of the young wife: passport, driver’s license, insurance card. In this regard, honeymoon plans may be disrupted. It is better to change your passport after your honeymoon.
- Making a joint decision about a wedding gift. One of the spouses should not make a decision, now you are a family and you have everything in common.
- Drawing up a marriage contract, there is nothing shameful in this, this is the right modern decision, which gives a guarantee to each of the spouses for the future.
- As the newlyweds get used to living together, they get to know each other better and get to know the negative sides of their other half.
The first year after marriage is critical in the life of every family; it is the most difficult because a person who previously lived on his own now needs to take into account the opinion of his other half, make plans for the future, show respect and tolerance for the habits and views of his spouse.
How to maintain love after marriage?
To prevent relationships from deteriorating in the first year after marriage, you need to follow some rules:
- Talk to each other. If you are not happy with something, talk about it with your partner, most likely he will listen to you.
- Be tolerant of each other, accept your spouse for who he is. Everyone has shortcomings, the easiest way to live happily is to ignore them.
- Spend a lot of time together, at least spend weekends together.
- If you can’t choose the head of the budget, divide the income equally so that everyone can dispose of it at their own discretion.
- Care about each other. Every man is pleased when a warm dinner and a smiling wife are waiting for him at home.
Married life is a lot of work, a lot of responsibilities, the ability to understand a man even if he is wrong.
To prevent life after the wedding from becoming boring and monotonous, newlyweds should approach all difficulties with humor; the main thing is to remember that all problems can be solved if we do it together.
Ideas for maintaining a romantic relationship between husband and wife
- Never cease to surprise each other, arrange romantic dates, have dinner by candlelight, walk around the city at night;
- Do not sit at home, go to the theater or cinema, to exhibitions, to parties;
- Travel. Of course, the financial side of the issue may not be in favor of a young family, but you can travel not only around the world, but also in your home country;
- Regular sex life, adding variety to it. There is no need to be shy about talking to your partner about your sexual preferences;
- Always sleep in the same bed, even if you work before late evening or returned from a corporate event.
To keep warm and trusting relationship in a young family, you shouldn’t wash dirty linen in public. Many girls share family troubles with friends, parents, and work colleagues. This cannot be done, because with your husband you will resolve your problems, and those around you will always think badly of him.
Having a child is the goal of almost every marriage. But there is no need to rush too much, especially if your partner insists that he is not ready for this yet. A young family first needs to acquire housing and a minimum set of property.
Another question is if the marriage was created due to pregnancy. There is nothing shameful in this; many couples get married only because of the birth of a child, although before that they were happy together only without a stamp in their passport. For a young family that will have a child in the near future, it is most difficult. A man should strive to earn more to provide for his wife and child; suffers deprivation in terms of sex and usual meetings with friends. Therefore, it is worth paying special attention to him, not reproaching him, and sometimes allowing him to unwind in the company of friends.
If the bride did not run away from you like Julia Roberts, then regardless of age, like all couples, you will go through 5 stages of married life.
According to American psychologist Michelle Weiner-Davis, author of several best-selling books and organizer of the Center for Combating Divorce, everything married couples, regardless of the age of marriage, there are five stages of married life. The duration of each stage may differ from case to case, but the sequence of their passage is the same for everyone.
“I have no life without you”
In the initial stage of a relationship, spouses are usually head over heels in love with each other. When telling relatives and close friends about their finally found “soul mate,” they tend to emphasize the kinship of souls and the complete coincidence of interests and outlooks on life. The small differences found seem insignificant and fit into the formula: “We complement each other perfectly.” A constant and intense desire for physical intimacy overrides almost all spontaneously arising negative emotions.
Enjoy the euphoria of the first period, psychologists advise, but remember that this blissful state cannot and will not last forever. When the rapture for each other begins to subside, do not worry: passionate love is by no means the “universal glue” that keeps spouses in marriage.
"Where were my eyes?"
Sooner or later, sobering comes. Differences in characters, interests, habits, etc. become obvious. What makes matters worse is the fact that the former mutual physical attraction is slowly fading away. In addition, it is during this period of marriage that spouses, as a rule, begin to face financial and domestic problems, and also try to redistribute family roles and responsibilities among themselves.
If you discover significant disagreements between you - psychologists emphasize in this case - do not panic or become despondent. Remember that they are inevitable, and the fact that they occurred is not a sign that you made a mistake in choosing a partner. This is a sign that the time has come for creative work on fixing your marriage. The main thing you need to learn is to decide constructively conflict situations. Don't distance yourself from each other and don't lose sight of the task of revitalizing your joint (shared is the key word here) sex life. If you have the opportunity, do not hesitate to seek help from a professional marriage counselor.
"Become what I want"
No matter how people are warned against the pointlessness of intentions to change others in general and their spouses in particular, they still try to do it - until they are convinced from their own bitter experience of the futility and destructiveness of such attempts. As a result, some start affairs on the side and/or go for divorce. Others still decide to keep their family together.
For Americans, the main reasons for not wanting to destroy the family nest are religious principles, personal beliefs, caring for children, financial calculations and fear of loneliness. Other representatives of this second group simply resign themselves to the fact that they were “unlucky” in their marriage and best case scenario they find “innocent outlets” like TV, beer or dominoes in the yard. Those who are trying to find ways to organize an acceptable and satisfying life together for both parties act much more wisely.
All marriages go through stormy periods, but a “golden ray of sunshine” may well await you ahead, psychologists emphasize. - Right now, more than ever, you need professional help. In the United States, where the service of family psychologists has a long history, the data is as follows: 86% of unhappy couples who turned to the services of specialists and as a result decided to stay together, after five years, note a significant improvement in their relationship.
“It’s just the way he’s designed.”
A distinctive feature of this period is the spouses’ acceptance of the fact that they cannot and should not agree with each other on everything. Gradually they find ways for “peaceful coexistence.” And most importantly, each of them begins to understand that not only the other, but he himself is not such a gift. The inevitable fights become less frequent and less intense. The spouses are finally convinced that the best traits of their “halves” are simply inseparable from the worst, and the only thing Possible Solution- this is accepting them entirely, as they are.
Don’t rest on your laurels, experts remind. - Don’t forget about the “three pillars” on which all happy unions rest: business and leisure together, conversations “about everything”, physical intimacy (not only sex, but also touching, hugging and other manifestations of tenderness and kinship).
"My closest friend"
This period can be called a well-deserved reward for past torments and labors. Looking back, the spouses see their general history and feel a sense of accomplishment. In the end, each of them learned to appreciate the fact that they are different. Their children grow up, become independent, and begin their adult lives. The circle closes.
The main concern now is your own health and active lifestyle. If everything is in order with you in this regard, you yourself will be happier and you will be able to help your children - this is the advice of psychologists at this stage.
Photo: dollen flickr.com/dollen
11.04.2010, 16:55
11.04.2010, 16:58
Ruslan, well, the topic is “How it will be!!!” It’s not clear at all what she’s talking about, call the topics more clearly...
11.04.2010, 17:07
11.04.2010, 17:17
The wedding needs guests most of all :)
Aakulaa - didn't Ruslan come up with your nickname? :D very similar to his writing style;)
11.04.2010, 20:16
Aakulaa - didn't Ruslan come up with your nickname? very similar to his writing style
__________________
Well, firstly, it’s great that I have a writing style (do we already recognize or recognize?). Secondly, why should someone imitate me???
13.04.2010, 18:34
aakulaa, everything is clear!!! Who needs a wedding more??? The groom or the bride?
Is a bride a girl who maintains the slimness of her figure? :tea:
14.04.2010, 13:41
Is a bride a girl who maintains the slimness of her figure? :tea:nesta is the antonym of siesta, i.e. hectic running around in the afternoon.
16.04.2010, 22:55
Nesta is a girl who watches
That means she’s a sharp-witted girl. And watch out for herself :)
27.05.2010, 20:41
Man arrested for using his wife as a horse
A woman whose own husband has been for 15 years recent years used as a draft animal, could not stand it and spoke. Irena Buzniak from Limanow, Poland, harnessed a plow and a cart for 15 years. At night, her husband locked her in the garage. Finally, she couldn't stand it anymore and complained to the authorities.
Irena says: “I hope that my husband and his brothers will be punished to the fullest extent of the law. The last 15 years of my life have been absolutely terrible and I want to forget these 15 years as soon as possible.”
27.05.2010, 20:46
The horse woman waited 15 years for the end... A little more and they would have played silver wedding.
27.05.2010, 20:49
as a draft animal, she could not stand it and spoke.
I need to phrase it in such a cool way :D
27.05.2010, 20:52
At night, her husband locked her in the garage.
Maybe the husband just needed to buy a car, but his wife didn’t allow it? :cool:
24.06.2010, 18:27
In Tolyatti, bride kidnappers received 4 years in prison, and the groom hanged himself
In the Samara region, a sentence was passed on two kidnappers of a woman who they wanted to force into marriage. However, the victim managed to create a scandal right in the mosque, after which the groom committed suicide, and his henchmen went to trial.
By a curious coincidence, one of the defendants in the case, as if played out according to the script of the comedy film “Prisoner of the Caucasus,” is the namesake of actor Yuri Nikulin, who played a bride kidnapper in the film. The court sentenced 29-year-old Tolyatti residents Yuri Nikulin and Alexander Shepilov to four years in prison each, the official website of the Investigative Committee under the Prosecutor's Office (SKP) of the Russian Federation reports.
As follows from the case materials, the victim lived with a man in the city of Tolyatti, Samara Region, since 2001. However, in October 2009, the couple quarreled, after which the woman changed her place of residence and, wanting to end her relationship with her former partner, refused to meet with him.
In November 2009, a man asked two of his acquaintances to kidnap a girl in order to perform a marriage ceremony with her according to Muslim customs.
On November 26, 2009, Shepilov and Nikulin waylaid the victim near the building of a municipal institution located in the city of Togliatti. Using violence that was not dangerous to life and health, they put the girl in a car and took her to the house of her former partner in the village of Podstepki, Stavropol region. “There the attacker committed rape of the victim,” says the press release of the Investigative Committee of the Russian Federation.
After this, the woman was taken to a mosque in the city of Tolyatti for the wedding ceremony. There she, taking advantage of the presence of witnesses, began to call for help and informed them about the illegal actions of her alleged fiancé. He, frightened of exposure, left the mosque premises.
“On December 1, 2009, the attacker was found hanged in his home. A suicide note was seized from the apartment,” the SKP statement noted.
On the same day, criminal prosecution against the groom was dropped due to his death. However, the evidence collected by the investigation was found by the court to be sufficient to convict Yuri Nikulin and Alexander Shepilov.
factnews
18.08.2010, 03:08
Psychologist and journalist from Radford University Anneli Rufus has identified 15 patterns for married life, reports the Daily Telegraph. They are all more about divorce. The results were published in the journal Motivation and Emotion and, frankly, they are not encouraging.
1. If you are a woman and married before the age of 18, your likelihood of divorce in the first 10 years of marriage is 48%.
2. If you are a woman and want a child more than your husband, you are twice as likely to get divorced as if you had the same views on reproduction.
3. If you have two sons, the probability of divorce for you is 36.9%, if you have two daughters - 43.1%.
4. If you are a man and you are tall normal level testosterone, you are 43% more likely to get divorced than men with low level testosterone.
5. If your child is diagnosed with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, then you are 22.7% more likely to get a divorce before the child turns 8 years old than parents whose child does not suffer from this condition.
6. If you are currently married or married, but have previously lived with someone other than your spouse, then you are twice as likely to get divorced as someone who has never gotten along with anyone before marriage. to live under one roof.
7. If you didn’t smile in your childhood photos, then the likelihood of divorce is higher for you than for those who smiled all the time in your childhood photos.
8. If you lose a child after the 12th week of pregnancy, during labor or shortly after childbirth, you are 40% more likely to get divorced than those who have not lost children.
9. If you are a woman and have recently been diagnosed with cancer or multiple sclerosis, your marriage is 6 times more likely to end in divorce than if your husband were diagnosed with this.
10. If you are a white American woman and you are separated from your husband, then your likelihood of divorce within 6 years of separation is 98%. For a Hispanic woman, this probability is 80%, for a black woman - 72%.
11 and 12. If you are a dancer or choreographer, your probability of divorce is 43.05% (what if you are a bad dancer?), if you are a mathematician - 19.15%, if you are a trainer - 22.5%, if you are a farmer - 7.63 %, if a nuclear physicist - 7.29%, if an optometrist (doctor in optics) - 4.01%.
13. If you or your husband had a traumatic brain injury, the likelihood of divorce is 17%.
14. If you are a black woman, then the probability of divorce after your first marriage is 47%, if you are a Hispanic woman - 34%, white - 32%, Asian - 20%.
15. If you are a woman serving in the military, you are 250 times more likely to get divorced than a military man.
Wombatik.livejournal.com/3477245.html
18.08.2010, 11:25
if a farmer - 7.63%, if a nuclear physicist - 7.29%
How close it is, though:)
18.08.2010, 11:25
he and she, what will happen after the wedding??? What will change???
There will be a long honeymoon that will last a lifetime :dont::):hello: :tea:
18.08.2010, 11:41
How close it is, though:)
"Calm, just calm."
It's funny, mathematicians are approximately on the same level as trainers: D Probably mean teachers: D
18.08.2010, 11:42
Probably, they mean teachers:up:
18.08.2010, 11:48
nuclear physicist - 7.29%,
These generally need to be measured not as a percentage, but as a half-life: D
23.09.2010, 12:15
To the question "What would you like your wife to do for you at least once?" - Japanese men responded: thanked me (100), listened to what I said (66), kissed me (55.8), hugged me (48.1), said “I love you” (41.6) ...
ma79.livejourn
30.10.2010, 20:09
It's good that they are not into parachuting
In the UK, the wife of Liberal Democrat MP John Hemming is being tried for breaking into the house of her husband's mistress and stealing a kitten. According to the Daily Telegraph, Christine Hemming has been formally charged with breaking into someone else's home and burglary. She was released on conditional bail. Her trial will begin on December 16.
The victim of her actions is Emily Cox, who gave birth to a child from John Hemming in 2005. Just this year he entered parliament. Once upon a time, his wife told reporters that this was at least John’s 26th affair; at first she was very upset, but then decided to support her husband, despite the ugliness of the situation. “Who has everything ideal? It’s just wise to concentrate on the positive aspects of any situation and move on,” she said shortly after the birth of John’s illegitimate daughter Isabel. By the way, she claimed that over time Isabelle became “a member of their family.”
Now the deputy is trying to find the kitten to bring him home. It is unclear what happened to the animal.
24.11.2010, 21:16
M.N.Glubokovsky
PRACTICAL INSTRUCTION FOR PARENTS TO GET MARRIED DAUGHTERS, AND TO BRIDES TO GET MARRIED
Http://nauka.relis.ru/20/0012/semja-4.GIF
Everyone knows that nowadays getting your daughter married is literally a feat for the bride-to-be parents, because grooms run away from brides like fire, preferring a single life. At the same time, the number of unfortunate old maids is increasing every year, as well as illegitimate births and crimes...
What is the reason for this and is it possible to at least partially help the grief? It is possible, but in order to treat the disease, you first need to make an accurate diagnosis. Let's start with it. I am sure that not only parents, but also young brides will read the following lines not without benefit.
Suppose that a family lives in Moscow, consisting of a husband, wife and only two children (and there are usually two within 3 years after marriage). The husband, an official or middle-class clerk, receives 50 rubles a month. This salary is good, because not very long ago the Minister of Finance recommended hiring predominantly people with higher education to serve in this department, and the initial salary is something like 30 rubles a month. Until recently, candidates for judicial positions served for a long time without pay, and only recently they were assigned something like 50 rubles a month. Hospital doctors also receive the same amount. Therefore, it will not be an understatement if for people without higher education a salary of 50 rubles is good.
Now let’s calculate the monthly budget of this family, making calculations for items not even of the first necessity, but of the utmost necessity.
An apartment of 1 1/2 rooms with a kitchen costs less than 20 rubles. per month it is impossible to find, and even then somewhere closer either to heaven, or to hell, if in the center of the city, or in the middle of nowhere.
For firewood and coal for samovars and ironing, put 5 rubles each. per month would not be an exaggeration.
It is impossible to spend on lighting, on average, less than one pound of kerosene per month. Let's take the worst grade at 1 rub. 20 kopecks
Tea and sugar a month, with the most extreme frugality, will cost no less than 3 rubles. (counting the smallest portion).
For lunch, dinner and breakfast, for soup (or cabbage soup) and roast, take 3 pounds of beef per day, moreover, the lowest grade, the so-called human, 12 kopecks. pound, a total of 36 kopecks per day, and 10 rubles per month. 80 kop. Brown bread (white bread is nothing to think about) 3 pounds a day, seasonings (potatoes, onions, roots, salt, etc.; cucumbers, perhaps, also nothing to think about) 15 kopecks; for a total of 4 rubles. 50 kopecks per month.
One of the children requires milk porridge; counting only 10 kopecks. per day, that’s 3 rubles per month.
Water carrier 1 ruble per month.
Petty expenses: postage stamps, paper and envelopes, ink, feathers, pencils, wax for cleaning boots, needles and threads for sewing and darning, broken dishes and lamp glasses, matches, etc. - we’ll put 2 rubles on everything. per month.
Now the servants. After all, the husband is at work in the morning, the wife cannot run to the store and leave the children alone or carry firewood and water, clean boots, etc. But... let me summarize the previous expenses:
Apartment................... 20 rub.
Heating and coal............5
Lighting............... ...20
Tea and sugar......................... 3
Beef................... 10.80 "
Bread and condiment...............4.50
Milk porridge.. ............. 3
For water......................... 1 " "
Little things......................2
Total 50 rub. 50 kopecks
Oh God! Already exceeded budget! What to do?
We rent a small room for 15 rubles from a tenant. This gives a reduction of 5 rubles for the apartment, 5 rubles for heating, 1 ruble for water; We will take 2 pounds of beef - saving 3 rubles. 60 kopecks, total savings 14 rubles. 60 kopecks But when preparing food at home, you will get 1 ruble more kerosene. 20 kopecks The total reduction is 13 rubles. 40 kopecks The landlady's cook should be given at least 1 ruble. - total 12 rubles.
40 kopecks The monthly budget is 50 rubles. 50 kopecks - 12 rub. 40 kopecks = 38 rub. 10 kopecks With an income of 50 rubles, 11 rubles will remain for all other expenses. 90 kopecks per month, and the family lives in a kennel room with a tenant.
But let's move on to other necessary expenses.
Washing clothes is necessary. You need soap, and if the hostess allows access to the kitchen, she will charge you for water and coals. No matter how you look, it’s cheaper than 2 rubles. washing will not cost a month, so in total there will be only 9 rubles left for other expenses. 90 kopecks Of course, the wife already washes and irons the clothes herself, and starches her husband’s shirts, and the husband cleans his own boots and dress.
But the husband must always be decently dressed, and the wife and children also cannot walk around in the costume of Adam and Eve. The wife sews everything herself for herself and for the children, and the husband already needs to buy ready-made linen. Let's make an estimate for this expense item.
A. Estimate for husband
The cheapest, but decent for service, a vice-uniform pair or a simple one costs 25 rubles, not cheaper. At least one other pair is needed, at home, for 15 rubles. Assuming that they are replaced only once every three years (???), we obtain an annual repair expense of (25+15): 3 = 40: 3 =
=13 1/3 rub. It would not be an exaggeration to allow the same cost for repairs outerwear, hats, caps; in total we will get about 27 rubles for the upper and lower dresses. per year of consumption.
We won’t mention gloves, but handkerchiefs, cufflinks and ties will hardly cost less than a ruble a year, a total of 27+1=28 rubles.
Boots, assuming that the husband will not even dream of a horse-drawn horse (not to mention cab drivers), you need two pairs per year for 6 rubles. 50 kopecks (cheap varieties) and galoshes, also two pairs for 2 rubles. 25 kopecks, and in total (6 1/2+
+2 1/4)x2=17 rub. 50 kopecks
Let's assume that the wife sews underwear for the whole family herself. Still needed: calico, buttons, threads, and repairs sewing machine. Let's put 3 rubles a year on everything, really, not much.
As a result, for maintaining my husband’s clothes in a somewhat tolerable condition, we get:
Top and bottom dress 27 rub. - cop.
Cufflinks, ties, etc. 1 " - "
Shoes...................................17" 50"
Underwear.................... 3 " - "
Total 48 rub. 50 kopecks
B. Estimate for wife, children, etc.
We saw above that for everything except the most urgently needed items, 9 rubles are left from the budget. 90 kopecks per month, i.e. 9 rubles. 90 kopecks x 12 = 118 rub. 80 kop. in year. But for my husband, 48 rubles are absolutely necessary. 50 kopecks - for the family, therefore, only 70 rubles remain. 30 kopecks
If the wife dresses like a cook, she still needs at least three cotton dresses a year for 5 rubles; Let's put underwear, like my husband, at 3 rubles, shoes and galoshes, like my husband, at 17 rubles. 50 kopecks, for repairs and repayment of the outer dress 15 rubles; for pins, hairpins, scarves, etc. 2 rubles each - total 15+3+17 rub. 50 kopecks + 15 rub. + 2 rub. = 52 rub. 50 kopecks There are 70 rubles left. 30 kopecks - 52 rub. 50 kopecks = 17 rub. 80 kopecks, this is for children and small needs, such as repairing lamps and burners, brushes, combs, soap for washing, etc. It is easy and without calculation to say that the amount is hardly enough.
It is assumed that the husband does not smoke tobacco and does not drink a glass of vodka or a bottle of beer a year, that there is never a single guest, that the wife runs to the shops herself, leaving the children without supervision, that she washes clothes, sews and repairs her own, her husband's and children's underwear and, if her husband has fallen asleep, cleans his boots and dress, all this happens in a kennel for 15 rubles. per month.
Well, what if births, christenings, illness happen? What if there are not two children, but four? What to bury if one of them dies? etc.
There is only one answer: complete poverty, even if the husband showed up for work in a very elegant vice uniform (after all, it is now a general requirement that employees, even men, be dressed quite decently). Poverty and hunger together are hopeless, hopeless, increasing every year, taking away the strength of the family worker... Family life, contrary to the proverb: “there’s heaven in the hut with the darling,” turns into a real hell, from which the only salvation for the husband is vodka, and let the family eat only potatoes for months...
Here I took a budget of 50 rubles. per month, but add another 25 rubles - you get the salary of a gymnasium teacher, even with additional lessons. What will this increase change? Perhaps, just one transition from a kennel room to a 20-ruble apartment, no more, as can be seen from the above budget. And again, there will be no money to hire a cook. Let’s even take a salary of 100 rubles. per month - this is considered a decent salary even in Moscow, and luxurious in the provinces.
But I will ask the readers a task: in accordance with local conditions, make an accurate calculation on all of the above points in order to resolve the budgetary issue of marriage. But I’ll add that in 6 years it’s already necessary to teach the guys - let this be included in the estimate. And learning bites a lot these days...
So, strict mothers, do not be offended by young people who evade marriage duties. Really, they are not particularly to blame for avoiding your networks. They, for the most part, only instinctively feel what I have expressed here, perhaps with extreme cruelty and harshness, not in phrases, but in inexorable numbers. Don’t be offended, beautiful young ladies, that these terrible numbers summing up modern conditions life, are so unfavorable for sublime love. You have read a lot of French novels, the words of the Russian poet and love are heard in your ears:
Whisper, light breathing
The trill of a nightingale...
But read not a fictional, but an ordinary scene taking place between the intended groom, the bride’s parents and herself. The “victim” was called to dinner. Everyone has already sat down at the table.
Why isn't Lily coming? I was daydreaming at the piano again! You know (addressing the groom), she loves music terribly and sometimes plays Beethoven sonatas all day long.
(The groom remembers the words of Tolstoy’s rude words, and he thinks to himself: it means he’s been “bubbling” all day! However!)
“Oh, how good Chaliapin was yesterday in Faust,” Lily exclaims, entering and sitting down next to the groom.
“We go to the theater every week,” adds the mother.
(Each visit to the amphitheater for two with cab drivers costs at least 6 rubles; in total, if you go to only 20 performances per season, you will end up spending 120 rubles, the groom reflects.)
It further turns out that Lily loves to read French novels in the winter, and to look at the stars and indulge in sublime dreams in the summer (the groom shudders); that Lily - excuse me - is dressed very modestly today, her dress costs only 50 rubles. “It’s very cheap!” (the groom breaks into a sweat); that Lily is not an earthly creature, that she is a real angel (well, she would have gone to heaven!); that she loves nature terribly (damn her and nature!), etc., etc. up to and including the bicycle.
Finally, an invitation is given to the box, to the opera, next Thursday. The groom thanks, but as he leaves, he wipes his face with a handkerchief and firmly decides to send a note on Thursday that on that day he fell ill with influenza... The mother clearly hinted that her daughter was not a dowry, that she had 10,000 behind her; Maybe he’s lying, or maybe he’s telling the truth, but he’s cheating, the groom thinks. And what does this money mean given such habits and demands? How long will they last? Moreover, she will reproach me all her life that she made me happy, and I turned out to be a fool...
This is what explains, apparently, strange fact that many highly educated people marry almost illiterate people. I knew one highly learned professor who married his cook. Everyone, of course, knows many cases when teachers of gymnasiums, for example, marry dressmakers, milliners, etc., while young ladies who speak two or three foreign languages either sit in girls, or stand behind the counter of a store with 9 o'clock morning until 8 o'clock. evenings for a salary of 25 rubles. per month, or are engaged in other professions (telegraph operators, teachers, etc.), which make it possible to eat cheap sausage and bread, vegetate and... dream of suitors.
Mothers and young brides should think about this. I assure you that if, by chance, the groom appears and finds the young lady ironing clothes and all stained with soot, then he will like it much more than
if he had found her overdressed, powdered, and perfumed. If you add modesty and unpretentiousness to simplicity, it will be a magnet for grooms.
Of course, such increasing cases of educated people marrying dressmakers and seamstresses is an undesirable phenomenon; Of course, it would be nice to talk with my wife sometimes about something more sublime than housekeeping. But what to do: we live not in heaven, but on earth.
This is how today's grooms think.
However, is it really necessary to go against the education of women? That would be more than unfortunate. Education for a woman is an excellent dowry, and we will prove it here with numbers.
Let's assume that the mother knows languages, music and science in the gymnasium curriculum. It is obvious that she herself can (but will she!) teach her children, and this is very expensive; We will calculate according to the Moscow tax.
A teacher or music teacher costs no less than 15 rubles per month. - per year 180 rubles.
It’s impossible to find a decent tutor for less than 20 rubles a month - 240 a year.
To teach languages, you need to hire a governess, also with a salary of at least 20 rubles, and her maintenance (including a separate room) will cost 25 rubles. - total 45 rubles per month, and 540 rubles per year. Counting everything together, we get 180+240+540 rubles. = 960 rubles. Obviously, the wife, putting her labor and knowledge into the family, contributes capital of about 25,000 rubles.
It is impossible for a woman to earn this amount on the side: lessons for everything are extremely limited, and it is obviously impossible to become a governess - in a word, women’s work has the most rational use in their own family; This is the best solution to the women's issue, I dare to assure you of that. There is no calculation in rushing to the side, because in the above calculation it is not yet indicated how much the farm will lose from the lack of supervision of the mistress, and this can be appreciated and very expensive.
Educated, but at the same time modest, unpretentious wives, capable after a music lesson and French for children, those same children, to mend their stockings and iron their linen is almost an extraordinary rarity. But the secret is that this should not be rare. Let the tongues be replaced by the piano, and then by the needle and iron. Such a young lady will always find a groom, and time, although perhaps not much, for her ideal dreams, so that at least for a while she can float up the swamp of life that drags us down...
The very words BEFORE and AFTER contain a contrast. It’s the same in life: by contrasting life before the wedding, and therefore the relationship with your loved one, with what will happen after the wedding, you lay the foundation for difficulties and conflicts. And vice versa, if marriage registration is not a turning point in the relationship, then the “before and after” problem may bypass you.
Expectations
Of course, there is no escaping expectations. Expectations, dreams, hopes help you strive towards your goal. However, if your expectations are too high - for example, in the future you see yourself only next to a world-famous oligarch, then, almost certainly, your dreams will remain dreams.
It’s the same with marriage: if you hope that after the wedding your life will change dramatically, all your plans will begin to come true, your husband (wife) will only make you happy, there will be plenty of money, you will, of course, forget forever about what problems are. , then most likely you will fail. After all, you cherish the dream of an ideal marriage, an ideal relationship and an ideal life partner.
If your husband likes to go to football with friends, play computer games, watch TV in the evenings, etc., etc., then most likely, after the wedding he will do the same, even if during your affair he somewhat moved away from his friends. It will be very difficult for you to explain why after the wedding he should change his lifestyle, his friends and find joy in sitting at home with you every night.
If you expect your food-loving girlfriend to a quick fix If, after the wedding, you begin to take an active interest in cooking, then you may also be disappointed. However, if you look at life realistically, you can prepare yourself for the fact that in the future you will have to cook delicious food yourself. It seems that everything is simple, however, one of the main reasons for misunderstanding and conflicts between spouses after the wedding is that everything is not as dreamed. However, if you imagine the possible development of events in advance, there will be much fewer negative discoveries about your companion.
Take off your rose-colored glasses before the wedding!
Everyone will agree that life in a state of love is much brighter. Scientists have found that the brain of a person in love actively produces dopamine, a substance that promotes euphoria. Over time, it is produced to a lesser extent, and love begins to descend from heaven to earth.
Most women who are dissatisfied with life complain that their husband pays less attention to them after marriage, is often late at work, and so on. Usually, such a turn of events can be assumed before the wedding. Surely, your chosen one says that he is trying to leave work earlier, plans work at a time when you have things to do. You shouldn’t expect that he will do this after the wedding.
The situation is similar for men. Your beloved in the prime of a romance is the most beautiful, interesting, energetic, charming, sociable... Do you think that she will always be like this? If you did not live with each other before marriage, then you met “prepared” for each other. In your life together, you will see your beloved without makeup, tired, irritated, sad, wanting to rest, and so on.
In addition, many hope that in their life together they will have the opportunity to correct the shortcomings of their loved one: they will instill good manners, learn to speak more politely, dress well, drive slower, change their hairstyle, and so on and so forth. In reality, a person remains the same as before the wedding. It is extremely difficult to change an adult. Therefore, do not entertain yourself with the illusion that after the wedding you will put everything in its place.
Develop yourself!
You probably have hobbies? Then why, after marriage, do many people lose interest in them and devote all their time to their husband (wife)? You met with friends, played sports, went to the theater. Why, after marriage, does your life revolve only around your husband (wife)?
Someone believes that this is the only correct position in the family - to do everything based on the plans and interests of the other person. This is a misconception because it may cause your spouse to lose interest in you. After all, he married a sociable woman, athletic girl who strives to explore life and expand her horizons. Instead, he gets a completely different person.
Expand your circle of interests, take an interest in the affairs of your “half”, learn new things. If possible and mutual desire, introduce each other to your hobbies.
Be polite!
Do you think good manners are only necessary before marriage? Not at all. Rude remarks should be banished from your life forever. A derogatory tone or shouting degrades self-esteem. Sometimes it reaches the point of absurdity: spouses can be several times more polite with strangers than with each other. And yet they can believe that they still love each other.
How do you feel when people shout at you? When is your point of view ridiculed? When do they call you names? Nothing good. Therefore, try not to raise your voice at each other, be correct in your statements even when, from your point of view, your wife (or your husband) is doing obvious stupidity, arguing beyond the point or making obvious mistakes.
Don't limit each other
For many, dating before marriage means freedom. Now you won’t be able to stay up late with friends or talk on the phone with a friend for three hours. Before the wedding, you can sincerely convince your future husband (wife) that you will not have anything against his friends and acquaintances, but after the wedding, many people’s opinions on this matter change dramatically.
Marriage undoubtedly places some restrictions on your life. However, the extent of these restrictions can vary greatly. Some people are generally categorically against going fishing with friends, while others are quite tolerant of the fact that their husband needs to attend a corporate party that ends at 2 am.
If you think that you should be together all the time, this is extreme. In this case, you reduce the personal space of your life partner, causing a feeling of lack of freedom and obligation. “I should go with her to visit her friend,” “I should go to football with him.”
What restrictions there will be in your family is up to you to decide. Be guided by the appropriateness of these restrictions.
Give warmth and attention!
After marriage, the way we communicate with each other often changes. Before the wedding, many had some kind of “demonstration performances”. The girl took care of herself all the time, visited beauty salons, went for shaping, did not complain too much and did not demand too much. The young man, accordingly, also “kept up”: he shaved every day, gave flowers, listened and empathized...
After the wedding, many people do not consider it necessary to “stress.” "For what? After all, she has already received everything - she is married.” Or “For what? I already cook and clean the house. What more could he possibly need?
But in fact, you don’t need that much: be interested in your affairs, your health, your plans. Take each other’s opinions into account, meet each other halfway. Speak nice words, show tenderness and care. Remember that this is always necessary, and not just during the period of courtship and the blossoming of a relationship.
Struggle for leadership
What does marriage mean to you? Equal relationships or the opportunity to fully express your understanding of life? If the second option suits you, then sooner or later the leadership problem will worsen in your family.
Who is more important? This question is not always asked directly. However, the answer to it is sometimes given completely unambiguously: “It will be as I said!”, “If we don’t go where I said, then we won’t go anywhere at all!”, “I will manage the family budget!”
What is the meaning of your relationship? Is it about bringing joy to each other or about realizing your own ambitions? Do not try to insist on your own at any cost. The ability to make concessions is one of the most important in life together.
Your parents
TOOf course, your parents wish you well. But sometimes they are mistaken, for example, believing that this partner is not a match for you. And therefore, instead of support in preparing for the wedding, you may end up with complete conflicts. In this case, everything is going to the point that you and your husband (wife) will have to live with them. Another option: Your parents like your chosen one. And they really want you to live with them after the wedding.
In both cases, if you live together, your parents will influence your life. They will give advice or dissuade you from certain actions, they will teach you to cook or, conversely, to distance themselves. They will say that you earn little money or waste it... They will have a significant impact on your life together, in which you and without that we will have to get used to each other. Therefore, try to live separately from your parents.
Don't wish for the impossible
Many young people continue to believe in miracles. On the one hand, the young wife wants her husband to earn more money, on the other hand, she wants her husband to be at home in the evenings. A young husband sometimes dreams that his home will be cozy, that there will always be delicious food, and that his wife will also earn money - after all, it’s easier to earn money for an apartment, a car, household appliances, and vacation trips together.
Some desires are mutually exclusive. The wife, while earning money, may not have time to cook dinner, and the husband, working more than 8 hours a day, does not come home exactly by the time he needs to take the chicken out of the oven.
Don’t demand the impossible, decide what is more important to you, be patient and understanding with each other!
So, if you want to be truly happy in your marriage:
- First, imagine realistically what your life together will be like, taking into account what you already know about your future husband or future wife.
- Secondly, take off your rose-colored glasses before the wedding.
- Thirdly, do not limit your life to the life of your spouse.
- Fourthly, do not limit the freedom of your life partner.
- Fifth, respect each other.
- Sixth, pay attention to each other.
- Seventh, live separately from your parents.
- Eighth, do not wish for the impossible.
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Some people believe that after a wedding, life changes beyond recognition, others are sure that the relationship with the other half will remain unchanged, because a stamp is a formality. Both sides are right.
It doesn't matter whether you lived together before or went on dates. It also doesn’t matter whether he proposed marriage on the second day of meeting or after 5 years of meeting. The main thing is that you have become a family, and life will also become different.
It loses its fullness and there are fewer events in it. Why does this happen? This situation occurs in many families, and there are few reasons for it. We are different, relationships develop differently for each of us, so there is no universal solution to the problem. But let's talk about some factors that will help you understand this.
Waiting for happiness
The main mistake of lovers who are impressed by the pre-wedding and wedding fuss is their belief that such feelings will last forever. They live in anticipation of instant happiness after a stamp; they believe that life will not change in any way, it will remain joyful and rich.
They are sure that the wedding will not affect their future life in any way, nothing will change, and the feeling of passion and love will last forever. Of course, we are getting married for happy life, but it is important to realize that in marriage not everything will be smooth and cloudless.
Sex life after marriage
So, the main thing. loses its former passion and brightness, but no one knows the reason for this. You no longer do this at a party, in the shower, in the park. You are husband and wife, so your husband sees your naked body every day. He continues to say that you look great, continues to hug and kiss, but it ends not with passion, but with the famous phrase: “I’m tired.”
Married girls are looking for advice on how to regain passion, decorate the bedroom with rose petals, buy “toys”, put on erotic lingerie, but this fails after the man says: “Darling, you are so sexy, but let’s not today.” And it is difficult to find an explanation for this.
Communication with relatives
You are lucky if your husband turns out to be an orphan or comes from distant Argentina, so it comes down to chatting on Skype. Others will have to be resilient and courageous. Now you have become a part new family, where danger awaits you around every corner.
The husband's relatives can come to visit for a couple of weeks at any time. In addition, you yourself will have to go to various family celebrations of little-known and not always pleasant personalities. And they will also consider you “one of their own”, so they will easily ask about personal things, like: “When are you planning a child?”
Of course, you can break such a terrible circle and put your relatives in their place, but remember that your spouse will suffer from this. So you will have to take sedatives and show the inclinations of a diplomat.
Daily routine
After a stamp in a passport, life definitely changes, we get sucked in daily routine identical actions: work-home-sleep. And it’s something like a funnel: if you give in, it will suck you in even more. Try to add variety to your everyday life. There is no need to create any great events for this. Even a sudden visit to a cafe instead of a regular dinner at home will add some variety to the usual routine of everyday life. Make dinner at home a theme night. Use your imagination.
Remember that the stronger sex is more focused on the outside world, and home for men is a place where they wait, where it is calm. They need a little time to exhale and switch when they come home.
Family budget
Previously, the concept did not exist for you. You spent your own earnings on tights and cosmetics, but now you have to share. Families agree to plan funds at their own discretion. The main thing is that you have at least some kind of plan. Make a program in advance and follow it. Make decisions together on how much money to give a friend for his birthday, what kind of sofa to buy for home. Don't be shy about talking about finances. If it seems to you that your spouse spent too much money on a computer, then say so right away.
The list of new discoveries after the wedding can be continued for a long time. Life after marriage does not turn into a fairy tale. You will encounter disappointments, resentments, and unpleasant relatives. But life will not turn into a nightmare, especially if the decision to become husband and wife is based on mutual feelings.
“Experienced” couples advise young couples how to behave better so that life after marriage does not turn into a nightmare:
Future or present.
Don't put off until another day what needs to be done today. This rare option life in marriage, but occurs to varying degrees. What's the point?
Spouses, instead of living for today, avoid the present. They different ways continue their lives until marriage. They believe that they will still have time to arrange their life. Others agree that they will survive hardships and separations for the sake of future well-being, and begin to actively build this one by one, working from morning to evening. This causes them to grow apart from each other.
The first rule of life after a wedding celebration: spouses can separate only in the most extreme cases, when such events do not depend on them. Family life is now, today and under given circumstances, and not in a foggy tomorrow.
It happens that the birth of children has to be postponed for some time. But both spouses must clearly understand that children are an important element of the family. A family becomes a family only if children are born into it. In another case, it is cohabitation.
Money may very well become redundant. In addition, they become the cause of family unhappiness. This happens when saving, earning and spending them become the goal of a family person’s life. Living together– it’s not just about money and well-being, but about relationships. There should be just enough funds to ensure a comfortable existence. This is a minor element in marriage. We must live in order to live, and not vice versa.
Relatives and parents.
It is important to understand even before marriage, or at least immediately after it, that together with your spouse you will also receive a small bonus: your spouse’s parents and relatives. Such an addition turns out to be different; it happens that it makes the life of the family unbearable.
So when choosing a partner, pay attention to this bonus, which you will certainly receive immediately after the wedding. Such surprises open up after the birth of children (supposedly the spouse will not go anywhere now).
Development of spouses and families.
Even if you are far from science, you should still understand that everything is constantly changing. Life changes after marriage, you and your significant other change. Not as noticeable as sometimes you want, but still.
Even a year after receiving a stamp in your passport, some friends will not recognize you. And you yourself, if you look closely, will notice changes in your partner, as well as in your personality, even external ones. But it's not only that. It is important to understand that in family life, it is important to develop. And this is impossible without combining positive and negative. In a person after the start of family life, not only positive sides, but also negative. There is no other way. It's important to be prepared for this.
March 3, 2014, 11:01
