A scandal in the family is not only stories from the yellow press about the lives of celebrities or very important people, but also a routine for ordinary families: lack of money, inappropriate behavior or attitude of a partner, suspicions of infidelity... There are many reasons for conflict, but it is better to build relationships without them ...
How to prevent family scandals
They say that in pre-Orthodox times, long before Domostroy, every family had a tradition of “making love” on Saturdays. It's not what you might think. Simply, the two halves of the family told what they were unhappy with, irritated, or didn’t like in their partner’s behavior and attitude, while listening carefully to each other. Perhaps there was no such tradition, but you can introduce it in order to avoid scandals in the family. We’re just saying everything that doesn’t suit you, don’t be shy about it: an adequate husband or wife will understand and try to fix it.
We also try not to provoke our other half with stupid phrases from the series “I told you a thousand times”, “Don’t you understand”, “You are just like your mother”, “But you yourself...” and much more from your parents’ repertoire. Unfortunately, mom and dad may be wrong, but you can live differently.
Better together. Joint activities are simply necessary in the family, and this does not mean watching TV in the evening. Let you have common hobbies, be it art or sports, raising children, etc. It is important here not to criticize your spouse’s mistakes too much.
If something doesn’t work out in the family, you don’t need to reduce your demands on yourself or your significant other. There is nothing more humiliating for a husband, and a woman should be of such a high level that her husband would be drawn to her. Develop together, communicate with a variety of people, spend vacations together, read and attend interesting events.
What else will help prevent scandals in the family. Just learn to look at people positively and never offend your spouse behind the scenes, for example, by telling how bad he (she) is to your friends.
When family scandals threaten your health?
Any conflicts can be resolved. The ability to listen to each other, the wisdom of your wife, and the help of a psychologist will come in handy here. But sometimes it will be easier to end a relationship than to later treat the psyche, soul, and body.
It is better to end the relationship if the spouse is not only manically jealous or envious, but also an energy vampire. Provoking a scandal, they expect an outburst of anger, despair and indignation from you, and then, fed with energy, they go to work or communicate with friends as if nothing had happened, leaving you in a dilapidated state.
If after quarrels you feel lethargic and lose your ability to work, this means that during a scandal, all your energy is taken away from you. However, there is a way out here that allows you not to break off the relationship. It is important here not to succumb to his provocations, not to let the vampire hook you: agree and smile. If you stop getting out of balance, then they will no longer provoke you into a scandal.
How to stop scandals in the family
- Don't see your spouse as an enemy. He is not the only one to blame for the discord in the family and as long as you believe that your wife or husband is your opponent who needs to be crushed under you. You will not be able to resolve conflicts together.
- Try to reduce meaningless conversations and reproaches to action. Ask how you should react to bad actions towards you, what you can come up with to prevent this negative reaction from happening, etc.
- Take a break. If you don’t have the strength to remain silent, just go for a walk, go to the bath, or go to your room. But what you can’t do is ostentatiously go to your laptop or read a magazine. This is even more annoying.
- Read sign language. If the spouse closed himself off, crossing his legs and arms, then now is not the time to resolve conflicts. At the same time, if your spouse’s fingers look up, he feels his own superiority and will rebuff you. If the fingers are not visible or the thumbs are hidden, the spouse feels discomfort and is not at all ready to resolve the conflict. Watch your own body language too. Do not lower your arms along your body and do not give signals that you may become a victim.
- Don't get personal or go off topic. If the quarrel revolves around a broken wardrobe that has been standing for a year, there is no need to remember that last week the husband came drunk in the middle of the night.
- Be sure to make compromises and concessions. This also applies to men. In small things, everything can be done according to your spouse’s wishes, but in serious moments, do not shout down your husband or wife.
- Change your tactics or topic. If the fact that the closet has been broken for a whole year is annoying, thank your loved one for babysitting for mom on Friday.
- Always be ready to hear and listen. This does not mean that you need to remain phlegmatically silent while he says something. If you ask again or agree, it means you also want to resolve this conflict peacefully. At the same time, you should not be an “examiner,” that is, listen carefully and try to catch your significant other in a lie or something unacceptable to you. The behavior of the “examiner” will infuriate you even more.
- There is no need to consider yourself a victim and your partner an evil aggressor. You probably also have a lot of offenses on your conscience that can ruin the happiest family life.
- To stop scandals forever, you need to work for a long time both with the reasons and on your own. But you can try and this is the way. Keep a diary of conflicts: what date, why. Together, figure out whether this helps solve real problems. And then you can punish the one who started the scandal. If the showdown is dedicated to the topic “Who’s in charge,” try giving in one by one.
How to behave after a scandal?
It is unlikely that it will be possible to make peace right away. A woman needs to forgive her husband, but not to become intimate with him (including spiritual intimacy). We just silently take care of the house and the child, and if my husband begins to lack tenderness, just say that it was very unpleasant for her when he treated her badly or unfairly.
Here it is important to say what you felt, and not what he, so bad, did. Don't insult him, but talk about your feelings. If he asks to make love, you can refuse and say that you are not ready.
A husband, if he is offended, should also not continue to sort things out, especially in public, or demonstratively leave. It’s just important to ask for forgiveness from the bottom of your heart and try to understand exactly how you offended your other half.
It is necessary to talk after a conflict. There is no need to shout or break dishes or generalize. We just talk quietly and calmly, sharing everything we don’t like about our spouse’s relationship and behavior. The result of the conversation should be some kind of agreement, within the framework of which both husband and wife must make certain concessions. Both of you are guilty, which means the two of you need to answer.
What you don’t need to do is humiliate yourself and beg for forgiveness on your knees, promising vacations on all the islands at once and daily dinners in the best restaurants. Don't take all the blame (and this applies to both husbands and wives). So you are only giving a reason for further humiliation. There is no need to “hang” on this story and remember it all the time.
You shouldn't be stubborn either. It is difficult for men to say “I’m sorry,” even if the repentance is sincere. Meet halfway, do not give ultimatums. Be gentle. Everything said above also applies to husbands.
At the end of the conflict, draw conclusions. And even if you didn’t quite understand what your wife or husband demanded of you, then at least admit it to yourself.
When the conflict is over, you can arrange a romantic date (even within the confines of your room), give your loved one a surprise: the war is over and family life can begin from the very beginning.
Family scandal: good or evil?
No matter how the mood deteriorates after conflicts, it is important to remember that a family scandal is not an apocalypse, but a part of life. In addition, if there are two leaders in your couple, there will always be a showdown. In fact, this is better than silence and silence: it is unknown what the hidden discontent will ultimately grow into. And yet, life without scandals is more pleasant, and energy vampires can benefit from them. Therefore, always listen to each other and let your loved one speak out. Learning to understand your loved one is easier than making trouble and insulting.
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Scandals at homeHello!
What to do if there are constant scandals at home? We have been together for 1.5 years, we have been living together for almost a year and love each other very much. But, as a rule, everything is fine for a week or two, we don’t quarrel and we don’t even have any disagreements, and then any small, even insignificant misunderstanding can lead to a scandal. Moreover, the scandal was terrible: with hysterics, screams, tears, even fights.
But no matter how many times I told myself that it was time to end such a relationship, we are still together and still make peace. I really want there to be fewer such scandals at home and stormy showdowns. It seems to me that we are simply giving vent to accumulated negative emotions and irritation, but is there really no other way? Help me please. I want to start a family with him and be happy, but this problem is very disturbing.
Hello.
You write that constant scandals at home can be caused by the fact that in this way you give vent to accumulated negative emotions. If they accumulate, it means that they do not come out in small portions, but collect inside. If too much steam builds up in a pan, it may explode. To avoid an explosion, simply open the lid slightly to allow steam to escape as it builds up.
Watch yourself: how often do you not talk about your slight dissatisfaction with something because you don’t want to quarrel? Conflict is a normal way of reaching agreements between people who grew up in different families and are accustomed to doing many things differently. During the conflict, it becomes clear who wants what and what concessions are ready to make. If you do not allow yourself such small and frequent conflicts, your mutual dissatisfaction accumulates and leads to an explosion.
The first year of marriage is a crisis. At this time, adaptation to each other occurs, new rules for life together are created, so during this period there are usually more quarrels than in subsequent periods of family life. If you try to avoid quarrels, then many things that irritate you may remain unclear and will then poison your family life.
What to do if there are constant scandals at home?
1. It is best to go to a family psychologist, together or at least you alone. Why can you come alone? Because in a relationship, a lot usually changes if you change your own actions. The point is not that they are wrong, but that there are more effective ways to change relationships so that they suit you.
2. Ask your spouse and make a list of what you would like to change. The list should not contain complaints, but wishes for your partner, formulated as specifically as possible, for example: “I want you to warm up dinner when I get home from work and meet me on the doorstep” or “I want you to give me flowers at least once a month " Formulating your wishes itself can be a difficult task.
3. After making the lists and after each of you has read them, you need to discuss what each of you is willing to do from the other's list. You can start by doing one or two things until they become a habit.
4. If there are constant scandals at home, each person probably feels that the other does not hear him. Spend at least an hour every week on such a game: let each one say something that the other, in his opinion, does not understand and does not take into account, and the second must repeat what was said in his own words so that the first agrees that he understood it correctly. Phrases need to be clarified until the first one agrees, and then play in the opposite direction.
5. Let the husband tell him what his wife can do to calm him down when he loses his temper. Let your wife say the same. The option “just do as I ask” is not always feasible. It's about how we can calm each other down. Some people find it helps to be hugged. For some, when they are simply listened to, looking away from the phone or computer. Others need to be told something specific, for example, “we’ll decide everything now, just catch your breath and start speaking more calmly, I’m listening to you.” People don't always know what will calm them down, but sometimes they do, and it can be quite simple things. Exchange "instructions" for dealing with each other if you haven't already.
Question for a psychologist:
Hello. Excuse me, please, is it possible to improve our relationship with my husband by taking a course with a psychologist? The fact is that we have been together for 6 years and all the time we are like cats and dogs. If at 17 it was hormones, now it’s just anger towards him. He is 30 years old, every day we quarrel over little things, he insults and humiliates me, naturally in response I also insult him. I am very hot-tempered and quickly raise my voice if something doesn’t like or irritates me. He doesn't like my screams and might hit me for it. I tried to remain silent, but he apparently feels some kind of power and begins to behave even worse and humiliate me. We quarrel over everything, that he doesn’t help around the house, that he always says that he has nothing to eat and the house is a mess. Although this is not so, he is not fed by the holy spirit. And I clean 2-3 times a day, since we have a little daughter (1 year old) and naturally there are always toys and crumbs from cookies and other things around the apartment, I clean it all up after her. We swear in the car because he listens to music loudly, and it gives me a headache, we swear because he can just say something to me with the wrong intonation and it pisses me off, I start growling at him, and my reaction starts to piss him off. . And there are a million such situations, now the child is growing up, and I don’t want her to grow up in scandals, screams, my tears, to see him raise his hand against me. I see one way out of this situation is divorce, I don’t want to live like that. I want to be respected and loved. I'm ready to change, but I'm not sure that he is ready. I keep telling him not to swear, but as if out of spite, he apparently starts swearing more, etc. I want the child to grow up in a loving family, I love my daughter with all my heart and I want only the best and kindest around her. Tell me what to do in this situation? Is there any point in going with your husband to a psychologist or is he no longer at this age? By the way, he grew up in a family where they also raised a hand and insulted his mother, he grew up with his stepfather and apparently he had this model of behavior since childhood, and also the beginning of our relationship was not the most successful, and due to my age I always screamed and threw myself at I scratched him, I was there myself, and apparently 6 years ago I made it clear that this was the norm, but now I can’t correct the mistakes of the past.
Psychologist Olesya Anatolyevna Bogutskaya answers the question.
Irina, hello!
Age is not an obstacle to change and work on yourself.
Whether psychotherapy will help your family is impossible to say without starting the work. I think we need to try. Try it. Choose a psychologist who works with couples and get started.
If your husband is not ready to change, then you can start working on yourself. It looks like you personally have something to work on. And even if he doesn’t change, and you are able to react differently to him and everyone around you, your relationship will benefit significantly from this alone. It is a fact. A woman in a family sets the tone for the atmosphere, mood, attitude of spouses, attitude towards children, etc. Feminine softness, flexibility, soft, calming energy should soften the harsher and naturally rough masculine energy. Men are different by nature. This is important to know and understand. And learn to live in harmony. A man has his own task, and a woman has hers. I would recommend that you start to become interested in the role of the wife in the family. Start reading and getting interested in this topic.
If you feel uncomfortable in your family, you can start changing it yourself. Without my husband's help. It is clear that sooner or later there will be nowhere to move without it, but until then you still have something to work on.
And it is very important that the child does not absorb not only screams and scandals, but also the atmosphere between you. If you are both eating in the car, silent, outwardly calm, but inside you both hate each other, believe me, the child absorbs it. Children read us adults one or two times. They know and feel everything. They may not understand...well, we, adults, understand. Does this help us a lot?.. It just confuses us sometimes. And children read emotions in their pure form. So try to start monitoring the environmental friendliness of your feelings. Control your emotions.
Quarreling- a natural process that occurs during communication. They can clarify many points that should not be hushed up to save the family. Problems begin when quarrels occur in the family over the slightest reason. Spouses violate each other's boundaries and resort to insults.
Why do spouses quarrel?
We're not talking about formal occasions like socks scattered around the room and other nonsense. Any scandal is based on one of the significant reasons.
- The desire to prove one's own superiority to one's partner. It would seem, what kind of competition can there be between the closest people? Unfortunately, in a Soviet family consisting of those who grew up with a lack of attention from their parents, this phenomenon is not uncommon. Those born in the USSR developed a certain personality type. Although they were instilled with the value of preserving marriage at any cost, they were not explained why and how exactly.
- The desire to convince a partner. The same soviet mentality, if it persists in only one person in the family, can become a serious problem. Any nonsense can cause a scandal. For example, the head of a family may have a constant fear of living expensively because of what others will think. But his wife and children want a better car and go to the seaside once a year. Even if income allows, for a man with a Soviet mindset this may be a way out of his comfort zone.
- Subconscious desire to get a divorce. Alas, the psychology of relationships and wisdom, the ability to maintain a marriage, are not taught in schools. Therefore, when difficulties arise, the first thought for many is to break off the relationship. At the same time, a child or financial difficulties may stop you, so you have to endure. But discontent accumulates and results in a constant cycle of scandal-silence-reconciliation.
After the birth of a child, the whole family experiences constant stress, which aggravates all previously hushed up problems, and scandals begin over nonsense. This is why marriages often fall apart during this period. A good solution may be a couples consultation with a psychologist in Yekaterinburg, but he will not do all the work for you.
What to do if scandals become constant
The most important thing: be tolerant. Remember why you once chose this person. All these positive qualities are still alive in him! Now take three steps towards reconciliation.
- If scandals occur in the family, and the child is to blame, sit down at the negotiating table and clearly state the responsibilities of each spouse in raising them. A woman may believe that her husband should bathe her son because that was the custom in her family. But this does not mean that it should be so! In the discussion, you can understand where the roots of the reasons provoking this or that scandal lie.
- Never tell your parents about the causes and consequences of family feuds. A constant stream of negativity will give them the impression that your family is worthless, and they will begin to convince you to get a divorce. Even when you make up, your parents will remember and ruin everything.
- The reason for each misunderstanding must be carefully analyzed to avoid repetition. In addition, it is important to do two good things for every one bad thing. We had a fight, apologized, admitted we were wrong and went on a date to give each other a pleasant experience.
Do everything possible to get out of the constant cycle of abuse and reconciliation, learn to negotiate. If it is difficult for you to do this on your own, know that Yekaterinburg is known for several psychological centers that will help you save your family.
According to the laws of some ancient states, such as Persia or the Ottoman Empire, a husband could divorce his wife if she could not bear him a son for several years or was quarrelsome.
On the one hand, this historical fact may seem funny, but on the other hand, it makes you think. I want to make a reservation right away: I am a man, and therefore, one way or another, I look at the problem from the male side. How often does it happen in real life that a sweet and gentle girl after a wedding appears with a completely different side!
Everyday problems that you often create for each other yourself come to the fore. Scandals and minor quarrels break out several times a day, turning into an international dispute in the evening, which cannot be resolved without the inclusion of the United Nations (yours and her mother) in the process.
A bed made with the wrong side of the covers; the towel that (it turns out) you always hang incorrectly... These cases are taken from real life. It would seem, how can such small things cause a big scandal? I would like to ask the question, is all this so significant? Scandals subside, but after some time they flare up again. Already on a different basis. Because I love my dog more than her cat... Because after watching football, I try to talk to her, share some impressions...
Quarrels give way to scandals, and scandals give way to quarrels. Big and small. Large and not very large. When mutual reproaches subside, a strange silence always falls. It becomes very quiet, and thoughts come into your head that just a few months ago, it seemed that there was no way they could be there.
Is this the girl I married? Is this the same girl that I once loved so blindly? And the worst thing is, because she once loved me too... What happened wrong? At what point did we take a wrong turn and the fire of some feelings turned into just the flame of a burner in your shared kitchen?
Why are women scandalous? What suddenly makes them act exactly this way and not otherwise, as if every day again and again they are looking for new reasons for a scandal?
Dr. House spoke that women are biologically programmed to make small flies into big elephants. But is this really so?
Behind the apparent ease of these questions (about which your friends or doctors from cool TV shows always manage to joke) there are serious problems hidden.
After all, it’s easy only when it doesn’t concern you personally. It’s easy when it doesn’t concern her - the girl who was once dear to you. Is she really gone? Is that girl who once taught you to smile turning into a grumpy wife? And maybe, of all the tall towers and all the princesses hidden in them, you chose the wrong one, and the stamp in your passport became your curse?
These thoughts make me sad. After all, it’s still impossible to blame her. And then the thought comes that it’s all just about you. Perhaps we create these scandalous wives for ourselves. After all, she is still the same. And still the same, you yourself. It may sound trite, but an unhappy person always becomes angry. And an evil person, deep down in his soul, is always unhappy. And maybe the whole point is that you yourself (you yourself!!!) at some point suddenly forgot how to make her happy. Just notice her. Look at her the way I once could. And perhaps the girl you once married, you killed in her yourself. And you continue to do this every day. From one scandal to another.
Scandalous wives are the creation of our own Star Factory.
My name is Anton Milevsky. At 22 I got married. And after 5 months he filed for divorce. It passed quite peacefully without mutual reproaches, like a war that ended without shifting existing borders. At that moment, it seemed to me that this was the only opportunity to stop it all before it was too late. Probably, at this moment, I should have said that I changed my mind, changed my mind and no longer think that I did the right thing then. But this is not true. Only a year after the divorce did we learn not to blame each other. Just talk without shouting. We congratulate each other on holidays, and sometimes we write letters about how our lives are going now.
Short sketches like: “I go to aerobics…. And I bought a ticket to Morten Harket’s concert”... Just talking about nothing. And in fact, we know almost nothing about each other. The sun again became the size of a table lamp. Everything fell into place. I returned to Minsk, but she still remained in Wroclaw.
And even though now we speak different languages with her again, the divorce allowed us to remember the good things. Just leave memories with a “+” sign, and throw away all those that bring pain.
We create scandalous wives for ourselves. And loving your ex is still better than hating your own wife. Sometimes it's better to just call it a day. Turn off your laptop screen and just walk away. To keep at least these memories. Leave so that you can still stay close to her.
