Hello! Help me understand my feelings. In general, everything is good in my life: I have a beloved husband, a son, work, friends. I good hostess, I have a hobby - I draw, write poetry. But I am constantly haunted by the desire to hear praise from others. It's like an addiction. If I am not praised or appreciated out loud, it depresses me, makes me feel insecure, makes me think that I did a bad job. This feeling is extremely unpleasant and, one might say, humiliating. I heard that this happens to those who were not caressed or loved in childhood, and the person tries to fill this gap. Is this true and is it possible to get rid of it?
Mmm... What a delicious soup it turned out to be. The family will lick their fingers... The task at work was completed perfectly, the boss will be pleased... A new creation has come from the pen, I would rather show it to my best friend... Enjoy, dears, because I tried for you...
And the dear ones are silent. We ate and left with a dry “thank you.” Didn't like it, or what? But it's really tasty. The boss took everything for granted and didn’t even thank him. Friends did not appreciate the new poem, the skillfully knitted shawl, the bright painting...
The mood is rapidly declining. The corners of the lips creep down. Your face becomes gloomy, and in the very depths of your eyes a barely noticeable trace of resentment flashes, which is carefully masked by concentrated work. Naturally, the efforts are not appreciated. And alarming thoughts immediately creep into your head: did I do something wrong? And I liked it?
Uncertainty settles in your soul, and even the recipe for your favorite soup begins to cause discomfort. How to start something that no one has appreciated?
Strange sensations for an accomplished adult, isn’t it? He knows how to cook and knows his job thoroughly. Why unnecessary confirmation of a successfully completed task if you already know that you did it perfectly? Why spoil your mood because you simply weren’t praised? I wish I could drive all these sensations to hell, but it doesn’t work. They are filled with self-doubt and a slight touch of resentment. After all, you tried not for yourself, but for them...
Praise is necessary and obligatory
Feelings of self-doubt due to unappreciated work by others plague a considerable number of people. But it does not indicate your insolvency, and with your mind, of course, you understand this. Just give the psyche something else - a worthy assessment of work, expressed out loud.
System-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan will help you understand the root of your addiction. This is a completely natural desire of a person who has an anal vector.
A person with this type of psyche is one who does everything conscientiously. It is not his own benefit that looms before him when he takes on this or that business, work around the house or in a team. First of all, quality is important to him. After all, only this will allow him to feel in demand and deserving of a reward.
Other vectors give rise to other desires and sensations. The simplest example is the desire to benefit from the work done, material or any other. This is what motivates many people to work. This is typical for people with the skin vector.
Not praised enough
The degree of dependence on praise really comes from how the child was raised as a child. A little anal sufferer needs praise so that the child knows that he is doing the right thing. After all, by nature he is very unsure of himself. And only his mother, with her kind parting words, can push him to work, whether to collect toys or do his homework.And her “how smart you are!” will mean to the child that he is on the right path. And in order to earn his reward again in the future - the fall, he will try even harder and harder. This is how the anal vector develops. Praise is his carrot, for which he is ready to work, learn, and obey. At the same time, praise must be deserved, for the cause.
Parents (often mother), on the contrary, begin to manipulate praise. Such anal children run the risk of growing up with a pathological dependence on praise. System-vector psychology calls this phenomenon the “good boy/girl complex”
When a child does not receive the approval he needs so much, this upsets his balance of security, which only parents provide. The less this feeling, the more insecure the child grows and the more he strives to know for sure, to hear out loud, that his work has been done perfectly. All this, to a greater or lesser extent, is transferred into adult life, where then, for a reason hidden from us, we wait so much for other people’s approval.
System-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan can open up completely A New Look to your inner world, to the roots of all your feelings and desires. Having realized your vector within yourself, you learn to rationally consider every sensation that arises within. They didn’t praise the borscht - it’s unpleasant - yeah, that’s it, an anal desire to hear praise. With a deep understanding of yourself, uncertainty disappears. You can only smile at the demands of your psyche and calmly continue the day, without being tormented by thoughts of failure.
The properties of the vector cannot be changed. Praise will still be welcome for you. But if it doesn’t follow, it will no longer depress you and keep you off balance for a long time. After all, by understanding yourself, you simultaneously learn to see others. And they have completely different properties. And it would not even occur to a skinny boss to praise someone (there are no such properties). But at the end of the month, for example, he can issue a bonus.
Understanding yourself is a way to say goodbye to many problems forever. And this is confirmed by all those who have completed the training in system-vector psychology by Yuri Burlan. This is what people testify to:
In these articles you can learn more about the anal vector:
http://www.yburlan.ru/biblioteka/analjniy-vektor
http://www.yburlan.ru/biblioteka/realizovannyi-analnyi-vektor
The article was written using materials
Do you do a lot for others, but don’t feel the impact? Do you do your best at work, do your best for your loved ones, are ready to help your friends in any situation, but do not receive gratitude, worthy of appreciation, or reward for your efforts? If you give a lot, but get little in return, then this article is for you. In it we will look at:
- how to stop waiting for approval and gratitude from others;
- how not to worry about criticism addressed to you;
- how to learn to feel your worth without reference to external factors;
- how to get rid of dependence on the opinions of others.
It often happens that even in the process of doing something, we imagine how good we look from the outside, how we are praised and admired by the results of our work. But when the “moment of glory” comes, as it seemed to us, those around us are silent, and we experience disappointment from not receiving recognition, and maybe even anger and indignation. “How can this be, after all, someone, but I definitely deserved praise!” - we get angry, remembering how much effort and effort we put in, which went unnoticed.
But is this as unfair as it seems at first glance? Why do we worry, get upset and take it to heart if we are not praised or thanked? Let's try to answer these questions and look at the situation from a different angle - why are we so waiting for these praises and approvals from the outside?!
P.S. To be fair, it is worth noting that there is an objective human need for recognition and respect (for example, according to A. Maslow’s pyramid of needs) and it is absolutely normal to strive to satisfy it. But when this need begins to acquire excessive importance, becomes an end in itself, provokes discomfort and dissatisfaction - it’s time to take a closer look at it and determine: why is someone else’s opinion so important to us?!
Roots of the problem
Expecting grades from the outside is one of the manifestations of the “excellent student complex” that many of us earned in school. For an excellent student obsessed with grades, it is not so much the acquisition of knowledge and pleasure from the process of learning something new that is important, but the grade itself, and it is this that becomes the goal. But the “excellent student complex” is not only a problem of perfectionism, but also of unstable self-esteem, self-doubt, and dependence on the opinions of others.
An acute need for praise often haunts those who did not receive enough parental attention in childhood and tried to earn it with good deeds, grades, and exemplary behavior at school. But is it easy for such obedient and “comfortable” children to move on through life?
Children grow up, and the behavior pattern of attracting the attention of adults by pleasing them continues to operate. Only adults now are not only parents, but also bosses, relatives, and friends. The stimulus for activity is the result, and the goal is to receive praise, impress others, earn attention and confirmation that “I am good.” Condemnation, criticism and disagreement with his opinion are unbearable for such a person, because he himself begins to consider himself “bad”, agreeing with external opinion.
Where is your source of approval - internally or externally?
When a person’s self-esteem is unstable and the source of approval is external, he is very worried and worried: “what will they think of me?”, “maybe I’m doing something wrong?”, that “I’m not good enough,” “probably they don’t like me,” “I’m not valued at all”, “why doesn’t anyone see my potential”... The whole truth is that such people torture themselves and try very hard to get approval and praise, but in the end they earn depression and disappointment.
"How so? - we are indignant at work or in the family, - “After all, I tried so hard, did so much for them, and no one even said “Thank you!” And it seems that this is very offensive and unfair. Agree, if you constantly live in anticipation of someone’s approval, spinning in a vicious circle “I do it - I don’t receive gratitude - I earn resentment and disappointment,” you can drive yourself into deep depression, earn chronic fatigue and apathy.
But let's look at the situation from the other side. After all, in fact, only We choose how to react to the behavior of others and their opinions. When we put the approval of others on a podium and try to earn it:
- we allow others to influence our opinion of ourselves,
- we put the opinions of others above our own,
- we let others decide how good we are at something,
- whether we should continue to engage in this or that activity.
And one more important point: think about it - and what are the true motives of people who express their assessments and praises to you?? Why are they doing that? Maybe they want to assert themselves at your expense, emphasize their own importance and significance, or maybe they are trying to manipulate you?
Before allowing other people to advise you, express their opinions about you, or take criticism “to heart”, think: why should this be important to you? Don't let others ruin your mood, manipulate you with praise or criticism, or influence your opinion of yourself. After all, only you yourself know how valuable what you did is, how much effort you put in and how much effort it cost you!
Only you know how much internal strength was spent on this or that task, whether you worked 100% or can do even better. Only you can decide how important this or that business is for you, whether you want to continue investing in it, whether you should continue doing it, or whether it is no longer relevant or interesting for you.
Only you yourself know what brings you pleasure and what doesn’t; what you want to do and what weighs you down - so don’t let external voices influence you and impose their opinions on you.
In general, we smoothly approached the next problem - what do you “owe”, to whom and why.
Expectations of others from us: because “I have to”...
Many women, having lived hard life with tyrant husbands, when asked: “Why did you put up with this all your life?”, they almost always give similar answers: “But it’s my duty to raise children in a full-fledged family!” or “This is my cross - and I have to carry it all my life!” And they really think that "must" suffered unfair treatment...
Concept "debt" It’s different for everyone and, undoubtedly, is dictated by family attitudes, cultural environment and acquired stereotypes. We are trying to justify expectations, to meet someone’s ideas and ideals, to “not let us down” and “not to betray”, to fulfill our “duties”... But who decided what our responsibilities are and what “we should”?
We are captured by these “duties” and “responsibilities” like prisoners in a dungeon and try our best to live up to other people’s ideals - even if they do not correspond to our personal interests, the pace and rhythm of life, in the end, desires or even abilities.
Try to write down all your “shoulds”. Here are just some examples of what many women take on themselves - “I should be ...”:
– an ideal mother;
- an exemplary wife;
– an exceptional hostess;
– an ideal specialist/employee/colleague;
– financially independent, earn money and provide for yourself;
- the best, always and in everything;
– (your option).
When you write down your list of who you “should” be and how you “should” behave, you will be surprised how many of these attitudes there are. Now think: where did they come to you from? Who decided that you “should” and why do you need to be “ideal, exceptional, better than everyone else”?
Of course, I’m not calling for giving up your ideals and striving to become better - I’m only “for” each of us becoming the Woman of our dreams (I wrote about this). I just urge you to remove the “debts” imposed by someone, clear yourself of excess burden, make your life easier and not try to be someone other than yourself. In this sense, not trying to be perfect means:
- abandon the ideals imposed by someone,
- stop justifying someone’s ideas that “a woman should”
- finally turn your inner gaze to yourself,
- hear your desires and feelings,
- understand your true aspirations,
- follow your inner voice.
In my opinion, the only true duty is to yourself: to unlock your potential, develop your abilities and show your talents to the world.
Solution
When we stop striving to receive approval, a “good grade” and praise, to be perfect always and in everything, then we finally take the path of finding our true selves.
How to stop expecting praise and gratitude from others, how to get rid of dependence on other people’s opinions - here are 9 tips tested from personal experience:
- Address the root of the problem: work with children's complexes and grievances, reconsider your behavior model and allow yourself to live in a new way! If the “excellent student complex” is about you, then don’t try to get “excellent” in all subjects. Don’t be afraid to get a “3” in some disciplines and don’t expect grades or rewards at all. If life is also a school, then only you yourself have the right to grade yourself. Ideally, of course, avoid the evaluative principle altogether.
If as a child you had to “earn” the attention and love of adults, it’s time to realize that true love it is impossible to deserve.
You are either loved with all your shortcomings and “bad grades”, or you are not loved for any achievements. No matter how tough and painful it may be, we cannot force anyone to love us and prove that we deserve respect and approval. And the problem is not us - but the inability of others to truly love, respect human dignity and see the potential in others. 
- Place the source of approval within yourself: become your own fair judge and advocate for your own interests. In fact, all the answers are within us, as well as approval and praise for ourselves. Love yourself, encourage, praise, thank and even feel sorry for yourself if necessary. After all, who are you doing what you expect approval for?!
- Make a list of your own priorities and values. No matter how many debates there are - what is more important, career or family, children or relationships with a husband, self-realization or selfless care for children, self-development or service to others - each woman has her own answer and a unique formula for combining all these things. There is no point in arguing what is more important - after all, each of us has the inalienable right to live our lives according to our own rules. For the same reasons, you shouldn’t worry if someone thinks you’re not a good enough mother or an insufficiently developed personality - clever man will not judge another, developing himself and his abilities at this time, and the opinions of stupid people should not bother you at all.
- Learn to enjoy the process of activity, do not get attached to the final result and external attributes of success. Immerse yourself completely in the process, make it systematic, plunge into creativity or bring creativity into your routine - and enjoy not only achieving goals. If your current activity does not allow you to experience pleasure from the process itself (although almost any activity can be turned into exciting by applying a non-standard approach to it and a little love), then maybe it’s time to think about what you really enjoy and from what activity breathtaking?!
- Don't try to be "good" to everyone– be kind and attentive, first of all, to yourself, your needs and feelings. Trying to please someone or raise your rating in someone else's eyes, you thus forget about yourself, your priorities or true desires. I once wrote in a letter to myself: “Don’t try to be perfect, learn to be yourself.” And this advice to myself opened my eyes to many things: we try to be ideal for others, but we ourselves, in principle, do not need this. We ourselves need to live in harmony with ourselves - for internal balance and finding balance, we need to strive to be real everywhere and with everyone, honest in expressing our emotions, desires, needs... And what difference does it make if they call you “good” if it doesn’t make you happy? Fine?!
- Avoid the role of victim - discard false altruism! Stop doing “everything for others”, expecting gratitude for it. True selflessness does not require anything in return: if you do something for others expecting gratitude and praise, then you are doing it for yourself - to increase your own value, increase your importance, emphasize your importance or indispensability. And this is far from altruism, but real egoism, which, by the way, there is nothing wrong with (unlike egocentrism). Just admit that your actions are still selfish and begin to truly act in your own interests, thus providing yourself with inner comfort and peace of mind! Try to look at the same problem from a different angle, or, as the classics of self-development bequeathed to us: if you can’t change the situation, change your attitude towards it! After all, there are two big differences in thinking that “I am forced to spend almost all my time on my family, serving the needs of my children and husband, constantly washing, cooking and cleaning. After all, this is my responsibility and “this is a woman’s lot!” or another approach: “I take care of my family because I like to feel needed and irreplaceable, I like cleanliness and cooking. And in general, a family is a good alternative to loneliness and living in solitude.” Do you feel the difference?!
- By and large, you don't owe anyone anything- only for yourself and only to be happy. Don’t take on more than you are comfortable doing, don’t force yourself to “go out of your way” trying to please everyone and fulfill all the requests addressed to you. And even more so, if someone is trying to shift their responsibilities onto you, or use your good nature or dependability for their own purposes, feel free to talk about your discomfort and defend your position. After all, you know the saying: “The horse that pulls is loaded!” Learn to say “No!”, without making excuses, but calmly asserting “I don’t have time for this,” “I’m not interested in this,” “This doesn’t fit my priorities.” This may sound too categorical, for example, in terms of family, but let's think about it - what is the use of children and a husband from a driven and exhausted mother and a wife who has no strength left to enjoy life?! Do what you really want, avoid work that is unpleasant to you, ask your family for help, hire cleaning staff. Love for your husband and interested communication with your children are much more valuable than daily pies and wet wiping in the house.
- Start to truly value yourself- advice from the category of “easy to say - but difficult to do!”))) But seriously, low self-esteem and lack of self-love arise there and then when we don’t value ourselves, don’t know our strengths and remain silent about our achievements. We were taught as children that “you need to be modest, and it’s ugly to brag!” (hello to such teachers!;). For those who heard this as a child, it is very important to learn to talk about themselves and their successes as adults. After all, those around us perceive us from our own words and see what we show them about ourselves! Or you can even do a small one exercise– write a list of your strengths, achievements in life, moments of success and a sense of your own strength and importance. Take out all your diplomas, accolades and certificates, do not hesitate to tell about yourself in bright colors, noting your strengths, positive features character, skills and abilities. By re-reading this list, you will actually see what you can do, how much you know and what qualities you possess - and this is by no means self-hypnosis, but a fact supported by evidence! And don't forget to praise yourself often when you really deserve it, thank yourself when you've done a good job, give yourself time to rest and recover if you're tired. The tricky part of this method is that others will not begin to value you until you learn to value yourself.
- Sometimes you just need to say that it is important for you to hear gratitude. For example, you can ask your loved ones in direct text, “It is important for me to be told “Thank you!” for a delicious dinner!”, for example, or for something else. This method works almost flawlessly - it’s not difficult for your loved ones, but it’s pleasant for you. Such small gratitudes, which in principle do not affect your self-esteem, but are a culture of relationships, will certainly not harm anyone.
And yes, be sure to think about what you can thank or praise your loved ones, acquaintances, and colleagues for! After all, very often people do not know or do not fully realize how good they are and how important they are to you. Some of my friends have a habit of regularly thanking each family member for his work and efforts that he makes for the benefit of the family. I think it's a wonderful tradition!
Instead of a conclusion
When we stop trying to please everyone, be perfect, sacrifice ourselves, ignoring our interests, it’s as if we are freed from a heavy burden: the need to receive someone’s appreciation or gratitude. Just tell yourself: “From now on, I will live in harmony with myself, without needing anyone’s approval. From now on, I will decide for myself what I should and shouldn’t do, what I did well and what I didn’t do well. I will act based on my interests, priorities and values. I will do what I want and the way I want. And I will also evaluate the results of my efforts myself!”
This process may not be easy at first - after all, giving up ideals can be very painful, but how pleasant it is to get closer to yourself! When you begin to act in your own interests, for your own pleasure, you yourself will begin to receive satisfaction from your activities! Isn't the highest reward - to be satisfied with yourself?! 
About why I ended the chase ideal woman, went beyond the boundaries of “should” and “shouldn’t” and returned to your real self - you can read
The thirst for attention, recognition and any manifestation of approval is always associated with a neurotic state and neurotic perception. The article will talk about conditionally healthy person, with some neurotic disorders. About those cases where the conventional boundary between health and pathology, from the point of view of a specialist, is not crossed.
A person who craves attention is at the same time very dependent on this attention, it seems to the person that he really needs it, and at the same time such a person is very afraid of losing this attention, and when he loses it, he experiences a storm of not the most pleasant emotions, such as anger, irritation, and aggression. , and anxiety, and jealousy - the list goes on for a long time. The breakdown of lack of recognition and approval from the outside is so acutely experienced.
I cannot call such a state happy. Is this condition completely normal? Is it healthy? It’s more difficult here, because it’s not a threat to life as such, but I can’t call a full life from such a state, although the vast majority of people live this way. This is definitely not a pathology. This does not require treatment, and it only needs help if you are tired of it, want to learn to live differently, but don’t know how. If you are all or most of you are happy with the way you live, if you don’t have the determination to find out “how else is it possible”, then everything is in order, it is quite possible that this article is not for you.
Of course, to one degree or another, at least in part, such states are familiar to almost every person, at least those who would not be familiar with this, for own life I haven't met. That is why a neurotic view of life up to a certain point is completely natural for every person. But this state is always alarming and it is polar: states of euphoria, joy and lightness are replaced by dips into anxiety, melancholy, sadness or depression. The degree of depth of ups and downs is certainly individual - everyone has their own.
Wanting attention is not normal, or rather, perhaps it is normal, in the sense that the majority live this way, but this does not lead to joy and happiness. It is difficult for an adult to feel the need for attention. It is normal for a breastfed baby to need attention and care. Perhaps this is normal for up to three years, maximum five. Further, if a child does not know how to be holistic and interesting to himself, he is doomed to look for interest in himself on the side. And he is literally doomed to be addicted to emotional swings, and is automatically doomed to suffering.
Such a person lives in a world of unquenchable thirst for attention, care and approval. He behaves accordingly: always counting on the benefit that he needs from people. All this happens unconsciously, automatically - this turned out to be an acquired behavior model. Most likely, if you ask directly, this person will tell you that this is not about him, that in this regard he has complete order.
People who feel the need and thirst for attention, approval and praise are usually very decent, polite, pleasant in compliments, can skillfully sense your own importance and will skillfully, very subtly warm it up, filling their own worth, sometimes very elegant and courteous, know how to speak beautifully, know how to give pleasure to the interlocutor both in word and in your actions, gestures, subtle touches, demonstrating your participation by all possible means. And everything would be fine, but there’s a little catch here somewhere.
Such a person needs in your approval, in fueling your own importance. And he builds his own behavior accordingly - solely out of this need. While playing his role, such a person literally needs oxygen and also needs “applause” from you. What exactly constitutes “applause” can vary greatly for each individual person. For one it is enough to hear thank you, for another one will want brighter epithets, the third one will shudderingly await your grateful hugs, the fourth one will have enough of your sweet approving smile, the fifth one will hope for your good words about yourself among your friends. How exactly is not important, the essence itself is important: you must repay such a person with your attention and approval, you must praise him or at least not ignore him.
Such a person feels the need for attention expressed in any way, it is important that this attention expresses a quantum of trust to the person, so that he is recognized and approved, if not just like that, then at least for something. Such a person needs positive comments, praise for what he does, his appearance, or at least some kind of praise related to him and his activities directly. For the sake of such praise, a person is ready to work, try, comply, develop some kind of activity, play roles, be needed and useful.
It is useless to be angry with such people, and if you are not an expert, then trying to help is also useless. Help for such a person can begin to occur only at the moment when the realization arises in him that How he lives and What creates, and along with such awareness, perhaps, a natural desire arises not to live like this anymore. At this moment a person is open to the new and unfamiliar.
Before this, trying to help especially out of good intentions is useless, and even more so out of pity. Until then, all you can do, if it is available to you, is to have compassion without suffering. Or in other words: help without interfering, silently. This could also be called acceptance, if it is accessible and comfortable for you. If it’s not comfortable, go where you feel comfortable, look for your comfort, find it and don’t lose it.
If you can stay close, but only without being affected by the neuroses of a loved one, stay. For a person in a neurotic state, this will be very useful - the presence next to someone who is not affected by neurosis. If you find yourself hurt from time to time, then the only solution for you is to start with yourself and deal with your neurosis. The best gift for a neurotic is the absence of someone nearby who, in one way or another, also suffers from neurosis.
– To be unaffected by someone else’s neurosis, you need to cure your own neurosis. A person who has patched up his own neurosis can no longer be deeply hurt by such things.
By curing a neurosis, you do not become invulnerable; rather, you become disinterested in experiencing the emotions that accompanied your neurosis.
No matter how long you communicate and no matter how close you are, rest assured that a neurotic person will definitely give you a decent bill one day. You can be close for 20 years, but it may turn out that you could be close for many years and still not touch on a single really pressing topic. (how did this happen is another good question), but as soon as you stumble and hit something important, depriving a person of something for which he has an acute thirst, accidentally depriving him of your attention or habitual approval, be prepared to receive a large bill in return.
When a neurotic person is responded to well, when his choices and decisions are not criticized, condemned, or questioned, the person feels comfortable and safe.
As soon as such a person encounters the slightest criticism or ideas and opinions that do not feed his sense of his own correctness, importance, necessity and specialness, and perhaps even slightly undermine the value of the currency with which the neurotic pays for attention, approval and care - such a person instantly finds himself in an experience of alienation, loss, uselessness, anger, and resentment. This may manifest itself in different ways depending on the model chosen in each specific case.
Someone will behave aggressively, may start screaming, sputtering, proving something, trying to drag the blanket of such warm external attention onto themselves. Trying to re-educate you, remake you, insist on your own, trying to get an apology, forgiveness, promise, etc. from you.
Someone will cunningly try to offend, hurt and provoke the “offender” - thus trying to defeat the “enemy” and prove to himself his own betterness, importance, rightness - to prove that the enemy was wrong, which means “I’m right” and “everything is fine with me.” in order". This type of behavior is associated with a constant struggle for attention and recognition both in one’s own eyes and in the eyes of others. Such a person is doomed to endless tension and life in permanent stress, no matter how cozy and pleasant life may sometimes seem to him. This struggle, it must be said, is always virtual - the battle always takes place exclusively “in the head” of this person.
IN Everyday life no one attacks such a person, no one calls for anything or forces anything - the person himself chooses from time to time to take a position of defense or attack, defending his psychological territory, in fear of losing his importance and exclusivity. To do this, such a person always specifically (but not consciously) chooses to be close to those who are able to feed his similar behavior and maintain the status quo. And these are always those who are ready to regularly play one of several roles: the role of defenders, attackers or helmsmen, feeding our hero with importance, attention and care. And this is always a mutual, unconsciously interested game aimed at feeding both parties’ own conditioning. And this game can only happen to those who are able to play this game, who are interested in it.
Such people are strongly attached to experiences of vivid emotions, the pole of which no one can ever control: sometimes these emotions are pleasant and positive, and sometimes vice versa. A person is drawn, like a drug addict, to the experience of bright things, and the essence of bright emotions is such that it is impossible to control them.
Also, a neurotic disorder is directly related to the inability to experience satisfaction and joy from simple experiences devoid of an emotional component - such experiences are boring and uninteresting to a neurotic. A neurotic is interested in drama and for this he is ready to dissemble, hold back, wait, be a hypocrite, manipulate, play along, please, be offended, endure, thus continuing his own favorite drama. theater. A theater in which he is the main character, he is the main director, he is the main spectator, and he is also the main critic. Yes, in such a perception there are many vivid emotions: a lot of pleasure and automatically a lot of suffering. But there is no place left for simple life and simple happiness in such a theater.
– Neurotic disorder is directly related to the inability to experience satisfaction and joy from simple experiences: there is no place for simple life and simple happiness in the dramatic theater of a neurotic.
Some people use other strategies instead of open aggression, for example, strategies of subtle manipulation and cunning. These are strategies for a quieter fight against “rivals”, strategies for guerrilla warfare for attention. There seem to be fewer emotions here, but in reality they are exactly the same, very vivid, they are just experienced a little differently - like sneezing “to yourself.” The sneeze also occurs here and the force of the sneeze is identical to a loud sneeze in the whole mouth, but this is not visible from the outside, because the sound of the sneeze itself was actively suppressed by the sneezer. Therefore, the thirst for attention and approval is quenched here a little differently: it is veiled under care, kindness, and self-sacrifice.
There are other strategies. But that's not the main thing.
In this article I wanted to remind you, to draw your attention for a couple of moments to how a neurotic lives his life. How do you live your life when you don’t feel fulfilled, when you feel the need for attention, approval and praise from others and need constant replenishment of this.
Introduce you to pause for a moment. Right now. And they looked at themselves from the outside. And we thought for a second.
Of course, you can help yourself get out of such virtual swings here. It's not easy, but it's possible. Without help, this happens an order of magnitude slower. Therefore, I consider the opportunity to interact with a good specialist to be more reasonable and constructive.
You need to normalize both the background against which you perceive yourself and normalize your own image, self-image, depriving it of its highest peaks and deep troughs: “You are not great and not terrible - you are simple and ordinary”.
You need to get used to, reconcile and love your own ordinariness. And I repeat, only a very good specialist, of whom there are not many, can help with this. In answer to a possible silent question, I consider myself to be a good specialist.
Without deep, real humility with one's simplicity and ordinariness - about b O There is no more to say. This is the very basis - the basis of a simple, harmonious, happy life. Without this, you can’t even begin to look for satisfaction either in money, or in your favorite job, or in family, or in relationships, or in children - everything will pass by, it will literally be doomed to failure, but this will not become clear to you right away. And without starting right now, you will continue to delay the moment, hoping for a better opportunity, for more favorable circumstances, but essentially waiting for gangrene.
So don't delay. Start with yourself. And decide not tomorrow, but today:
Start paying attention to your psychological health, pay attention to your own spiritual harmony either independently or with the help of a specialist who is right for you. Try to listen to yourself, start working on yourself.
When you are praised, think carefully about whether you deserve praise; if you don’t deserve it, then it means you were ridiculed.
Philip Chesterfield
Only an extremely cowardly and extremely empty person can find pleasure in praise, which, as he well knows, he does not deserve.
Adam Smith
Praise, like wine, liberates our strength, if not intoxicates us.
Pierre Buast
Praise of a Few knowledgeable people more important than the ridicule of numerous ignoramuses.
Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra
Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra
There is something more unpleasant than harsh criticism: clumsy praise.
Gustav Flaubert
Praise does good man better, and bad - worse.
Thomas Fuller
Condemnation of fools is praise.
Ancient aphorism
A eulogy is praise for a person who either has wealth and power or had the tact to die.
Ambrose Bierce
Where there is no freedom of criticism, no praise can be pleasant.
Pierre Augustin Beaumarchais
A person intoxicated with praise must both say and do stupid things.
Pierre Buast
The best praise is the one that comes from a person to whom you have done nothing good.
Abul Faraj ben el Haroun (Gregory Bar Ebrey)
Praise is a touchstone for fools.
Pierre Buast
Constant stinginess in praise is the eternal sign of a mediocre mind.
Luc de Clapier Vauvenargues
The measure of true satisfaction is the praise of the glorious and knowledgeable.
Gracian Baltazar
Jean de La Bruyère
The highest praise for an artist is when you forget about praise in front of his work.
Gotthold Ephraim Lessing
Francois de La Rochefoucauld
Sometimes we even enjoy praise that we ourselves don’t believe.
Luc de Vauvenargues
The one who praises you for what you don’t have wants to get from you what you have.
Eugene Manuel
The curse invigorates, the blessing relaxes.
William Blake
There are no people more stingy with praise than those who do not deserve it.
Pierre Buast
Don't be quick to blame if you're late with praise.
Anthony Regulsky
Praise shows the way, blame sweeps the stairs.
Slawomir Wroblewski
By praising others, against your will you praise yourself, and this is always noticeable.
Frantisek Kryshka
Despise the whole world - and accept the praise of the first person you meet!
Emil Michel Cioran
Let someone else praise you, and not your mouth; let someone else praise you, and not your tongue.
Old Testament. Proverbs of Solomon
Without difficulty, you can make a friend whoever you want, you just have to say something good about him when he is not present in the conversation about which there are many who want to tell him about it. The beginning of friendship is promoted by praise, the beginning of enmity is promoted by censure.
Basil I the Macedonian
The best praise is the one that comes from a person to whom you have done nothing good.
Abul Faraj
Praise is an additional source of blasphemy.
Kenko-Hoshi
Praise is good for a smart person, but bad for a stupid person.
Francesco Petrarca
You do harm if you praise, but even more harm if you blame something you know little about.
Leonardo da Vinci
Whoever is alive waits in vain for the praise of the arrogant crowd.
Pierre de Ronsard
All means - provided they are dishonest - that can protect us from disasters and troubles are not only permissible, but also deserve all praise.
Michel de Montaigne
It is the act that is worthy of praise, not the person himself.
Michel de Montaigne
We cannot think of a better praise for a person than to say that he is gifted by nature.
Michel de Montaigne
Praise is only good when the one who praises is good.
Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra
Self-praise humiliates a person.
Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra
Praising what has been lost creates precious memories.
William Shakespeare
Praise is the reflected rays of virtue.
Francis Bacon
The less merit, the louder the praise.
Francis Bacon
Praise, like gold and diamond, has value only when it is rare.
Benjamin Johnson
Don't seek praise, but try your best to act laudably.
Jan Amos Comenius
The measure of true satisfaction is the praise of the glorious and knowledgeable in business.
Baltasar Gracian y Morales
Don't get overly excited. Avoid superlatives so as not to distort the picture and not be branded a fool. To praise and lavish admiration is a sign of limited understanding and taste. Praise arouses curiosity, kindles desire, and if the merits turn out to be lower than your assessment - and this usually happens - the deceived expectation will take revenge for the deception with contempt - both for what was praised and for the one who praised.
Baltasar Gracian y Morales
Approval of the reasonable. A cold “yes” from an outstanding husband is more flattering than the praise of the crowd.
Baltasar Gracian y Morales
Prefer activities that are praised. Much in life depends on human judgment. Praise is for abilities what Favonium is for flowers - food and life.
Baltasar Gracian y Morales
Not from the crowd... you need to look for support; Her roar of praise is a fragile reward.
Pierre Corneille
Some reproaches sound like praise, but some praise is worse than slander.
Francois de La Rochefoucauld
No matter what praises are lavished on us, we do not find anything new in them for ourselves.
Francois de La Rochefoucauld
As soon as a fool praises us, he no longer seems so stupid to us.
Francois de La Rochefoucauld
People are rarely intelligent enough to prefer useful blame to dangerous praise.
Francois de La Rochefoucauld
We scold ourselves only to be praised.
Francois de La Rochefoucauld
We often seek out poisoned praise, which indirectly reveals in those whom we praise faults that we do not dare point out directly.
Francois de La Rochefoucauld
Truly extraordinary virtues are possessed by those who have managed to earn the praise of their envious people.
Francois de La Rochefoucauld
Avoiding praise is asking for it to be repeated.
Francois de La Rochefoucauld
To wholeheartedly praise good deeds is to take part in them to some extent.
Francois de La Rochefoucauld
You can't live on incense. Praise alone is not enough for a person; give him something more substantial; The best way incentives are putting something in your hand.
Moliere
We praise much more often what is praised by others than what is praiseworthy in itself.
Jean de La Bruyère
Only people with base souls can lavish praise on those about whom they spoke disdainfully before their rise.
Jean de La Bruyère
Praiseworthy epithets do not constitute praise. Praise requires facts, and skillfully presented ones at that.
Jean de La Bruyère
Praise does good people better, but bad worse.
Thomas Fuller
To write satires you do not need to despise those against whom they are written; but when stupid and exaggerated praise is used, it seems difficult to do without the contempt of those to whom they are attributed...
Bernard Le Beauvier de Fontenelle
If the dead had the opportunity to read the laudatory inscriptions on their tombstones, they would die a second time - from shame.
Joseph Addison
An intelligent person is happy only when he receives his own praise; a fool is content with the applause of those around him.
Joseph Addison
Praise addiction is not a special, separate “diagnosis” or independent manifestation. It is usually included in various larger psychological problems. This could be narcissism, various anxiety disorders, addictive disorder, etc. Rather, this phenomenon can be called a psychological pattern.
The need to please others is a normal part of the psyche. We must receive positive feedback from others. This gives us the understanding that we are accepted, liked and wanted to be around. It only becomes a problem when people can't get enough of these signs of acceptance. It's never enough for them. And not because of greed, but because of the devaluation of what they had just been given. Sometimes this process of constantly seeking approval turns into an addiction from which a person cannot break away. How else? His self-esteem hangs on the nail of external praise. If there is no carnation, then self-esteem is somewhere far below. At the same time, the quality and meaning of merits and actions do not matter at all; what is important is the emotional reaction of others to them.
Everything comes from childhood. The child did not have the opportunity or right to evaluate his actions independently. After all, how can you say good things about yourself? You can't! After all, only others, from the outside, can say whether you are a good person or not, whether you are doing the right thing or not. Well, if you were praised... don’t screw up! Don't disappoint! Otherwise, you're a loser and they won't love you. Well, since success and achievements can only be assessed by others who know them, these others, what they will appreciate and what they will reject. For this reason, even if you did everything well, you cannot be sure that you will be praised.
There is another option, when the child is praised for every step and he does not have the opportunity to somehow form his own guidelines for assessing himself and his behavior. He gets so used to constant praise that if it suddenly doesn’t exist, then this is, at a minimum, condemnation or a social catastrophe.
Here are the signs of this behavioral pattern:
1. As mentioned above, recognition is never enough. As soon as a person is praised, he immediately devalues the praise. He tells himself that there is nothing to be proud of. Nothing special has been done for which you can respect yourself. Or consider that they were praised fairly.
2. On the other hand, if such a person is not praised for a long time, it begins to seem to him that no one loves him, does not respect him, and even hates him. Sometimes he finds reasons for this (they say I work poorly), and sometimes he may not find anything (I work well, but still no one loves).
3. Despite the need for praise, such people are very afraid of praise. If someone spoke positively about them, they immediately want to hush up this moment or even hide somewhere and run away. For them, praise is like “you were counted.” Have you been noticed? Now they are closely watching you and as soon as something doesn’t work out for you, they will immediately stop loving you and turn away. However, many people really like that if someone finds the work they have done, they will say: “Wow, how nice!” Who did it so well? What kind of genius was this? In general, you were recognized, but not caught.
4. Such a person very often has a proven admirer of his talents. Who can reliably and faithfully admire. In his presence there is no anxiety that he will leave or fall out of love. He will not only praise and not condemn, but with him you can also scold the disgusting soulless world. It doesn't have to be someone real. There may be some celebrity whose life confirms the correctness of the action of a praise addict. For example, if superstar A talks about protecting animals, then she approves of feeding cats in front of the house. In addition, a group of virtual friends on a forum or groups on social networks can serve as support.
This is not so easy to deal with, and some specific recommendations are possible when considering the larger problem within which the dependence on praise arose. This is not just a “bad habit”, but a principle according to which a psychological map of the world is formed. Of course, you need to think about your merits and begin to develop your own system for assessing yourself and your achievements. In general, start redrawing children's cards in a new way.
