Why can't children be hit in the face? To beat or not to beat a child - the consequences of physical punishment of children Children should not be beaten 30 reasons

Why do many parents actively use physical force on their children? The reasons behind this phenomenon are quite deep. But physical punishment, being extremely harmful, can be replaced by much more effective and humane alternatives.

Some argue that “You need to spank a child before he grows up”. And this is a tribute to tradition. After all, in Rus', birch rods were an integral element of education. But today everything has changed, and physical punishment is equivalent to medieval executions. True, for many this question is important and remains open.

Key reasons for using physical punishment in the educational process

A huge number of parents use force in raising their children and do not think about the consequences this may provoke. It is customary for them to fulfill their parental duty, generously giving their children slaps on the head. Moreover, to maintain discipline, an object of intimidation - a belt, etc. - is often hung in a visible place.

What are the reasons for such furious medieval cruelty among modern mothers and fathers? There are several reasons:

Hereditary causes. Most often, parents take out their own childhood grievances on their child. Moreover, such a father or mother usually does not realize that there is an upbringing without violence. Their confidence that a slap on the head reinforces the spoken educational words in a child is unshakable;
Lack of desire, as well as time, to raise a child, conduct lengthy conversations, explain why he is wrong. After all, it is much faster and easier to hit a child than to sit down with him and talk about his misdeeds, to help him understand his own wrong;
Lack of even basic knowledge about the process of raising children. Parents pick up a belt only out of despair and not knowing how to cope with the “little monster”;
Venting out resentment and anger for one’s own failures, previous and current. Often parents beat their own child only because there is no one else to lash out at. The salary is meager, the boss is cruel, the wife doesn’t listen, and then there’s harmful child, spinning under your feet. And the parent slaps the butt for it. Moreover, the louder the child cries and the more afraid the father is, the more the father will blame the child for his own problems and failures. After all, a person needs to at least feel his own power and authority in front of someone. And the worst thing is when there is no one to stand up for the child;
Mental disorders. There are also parents who simply need to shout, spank their child, or start a showdown for no apparent reason. Next, the parent reaches the required condition, hugs the baby to himself and cries with him. Such mothers and fathers need the help of a doctor.

What is physical punishment?

Experts consider physical punishment not only the direct use of brute force to influence a child. In addition to belts, towels, slippers, slaps on the head, punishment in the corner, tugging on arms and sleeves, ignoring, force feeding or not feeding, etc. are used. But in any case, one goal is pursued - to cause pain, to demonstrate power over the child, to show him his place.

Statistics: Most often, children under 4 years of age are subjected to physical punishment, since they cannot yet hide, defend themselves, or be indignant with the question: “Why?”

Physical influence provokes a new wave of disobedience in the child, which, in turn, leads to a new surge in the parent’s aggression. Thus, the so-called cycle of domestic violence appears.

Consequences of physical punishment. Is it acceptable to hit a child?

Are there any benefits to physical punishment? Of course not. It is incorrect to say that the carrot has no effect without the stick and that a light beating can be useful in some situations.

Note to moms!

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After all, any physical punishment results in consequences:

Fear of the parent on whom the child directly depends (and at the same time loves). This fear develops over time into neurosis;
Against the background of such neurosis, it is difficult for a child to adapt to society, find friends, and later, a significant other. This also affects your career;
Children raised by such methods have extremely low self-esteem. The child remembers “the right of the strong” for the rest of his life. Moreover, he will use this right himself at the first opportunity;
Regular spanking affects the psyche, causing developmental delays;
Children who constantly concentrate on expecting punishment from their parents are unable to concentrate on lessons or games with other children;
In 90% of cases, a child beaten by his parents will do the same to his own children;
Over 90% of perpetrators were abused by their parents in childhood. Probably no one wants to raise a maniac or masochist;
A child who regularly receives punishment loses his sense of reality, stops solving pressing problems, stops studying, experiences constant anger and fear, as well as a desire for revenge;
With each blow, the child moves away from the parent. The natural connection between parents and children is disrupted. There will be no mutual understanding in a family with violence. Growing up, the child will cause many problems for tyrant parents. And in old age, parents face an unenviable fate;
A punished and humiliated child is extremely lonely. He feels broken, forgotten, thrown to the sidelines of life and unnecessary to anyone. In such states, children are capable of doing such stupid things as going into bad company, smoking, drugs, or even suicide;
When parents get into a frenzy, they often lose control of themselves. As a result, a child who has fallen under the hot hand risks receiving an injury, sometimes incompatible with life, if, after a cuff from a parent, he falls and hits a sharp object.

You can't hit children. There are effective alternatives

It must be remembered that physical punishment is a weakness, not a strength of parents, a manifestation of their failure. And excuses like “he doesn’t understand differently” remain just excuses. In any case, there is an alternative to physical violence. For this:

You should distract the child and switch his attention to something interesting.
Engage your baby in an activity that will make him want to be naughty and capricious.
Hug your baby and convince him of your love. Afterwards, you can spend at least a couple of hours of your own “precious” time with the baby. After all, the child lacks attention ( We also read: ).
Come up with new games. For example, you can collect scattered toys in two large boxes, first one. The reward could be a good bedtime story from mom or dad. And this will work better than a slap on the head or a cuff.
Use loyal methods of punishment (deprivation of a laptop, TV, going for a walk, etc.).

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It is important to learn how to get along with your child without punishment. There are a huge number of methods for this. There would be a desire, but you can always find an alternative. It is important for any parent to understand that children should absolutely not be beaten under any circumstances!

Why you shouldn't hit children. Parental self-control and physical punishment

Opinions from mommies from forums

Olga: My opinion is that you can’t be too strict. Because we begin to force ourselves into strict boundaries, and when we are not around, the children will begin to have a blast. Remember for yourself, you always begin to want even more what you can’t or don’t have. And we ourselves cannot always fall asleep, even if we really want to. To hit or not to hit?? I am against hitting, although I sometimes spank myself. Then I scold myself. I think that when we raise our hand to a child, we simply cannot cope with our emotions. You can just come up with a punishment. This is a corner for us. The little guy really doesn’t like standing there, he roars... But we have an agreement with him, if he’s placed there, until he calms down, I won’t come up to talk to him. And it stands until it cools down. The hardest thing is probably to find a punishment, because one method does not work for everyone.

Zanon2: don't hit, but punish! agree. but no hitting!

Beloslava: I also spank sometimes, but then I think I’ve lost my temper again, I can’t hit... I try to change the subject altogether if the psychos attack, usually this happens before nap time, but what depresses me most is that when a child is naughty and I swear, he says “hit.” .he still doesn’t speak in phrases. I explain that I love him and don’t want to beat him and won’t. I’m trying to restrain myself now, it seems like I’ve started to forget... And our dad also thinks that we should beat him... and there’s no way to convince him... he was in childhood beat...

Natalinka15: Yes, it’s a difficult topic, I try not to shout, but I don’t accept hitting a child at all, I try to negotiate. If I can’t calmly come to an agreement, then I leave my daughter alone for a while and just turn around and leave. Sometimes she reacts differently, sometimes she immediately calms down and sometimes she doesn’t. But when I leave, we both have time to think and calm down. In principle, it always works out, then everything can be resolved peacefully and we make peace.

Palms_to_the_Sun: That’s what I was thinking about...why do we, adults and parents, allow ourselves to hit our child if he gets out, acts as an irritant, if we can’t come to an agreement with him...and why don’t we spank adults who are completely different from us?.....after all, those They can also irritate, offend... after all, we think a hundred times before punching our opponent in the face. Also? we are afraid to act as an aggressor, we want to look civilized, smart and tolerant, and transfer the conflict to diplomacy. What about children then it doesn’t work for some?

Read also: How to raise children: carrot or stick? —

you can't hit a child? Let's turn to statistics. According to the UN Children's Fund in 2010 in Russia100227 children affected by domestic violence. Killed1684 child, crippled -3161 , serious harm was caused2386 . Near 2 millionChildren under the age of 14 are beaten by their parents. Of these, more50 thousandrun away from home from beatings. In orphanages, 80% of children are orphans with living parents who have been deprived of parental rights.

A banal truth known to everyone -children is our future. But do we understand well what kind of future we are preparing for ourselves when we raise our hand to a child? Is it okay to hit a child? We were brought up like that, and nothing happened - we grew up as human beings? A slap on the head, a slap on the butt or a blow to the forehead with a spoon - it seems that no one escaped this in childhood. And only system-vector psychology provides an understanding of why modern children should not be beaten at all.

Is it possible to beat a child for educational purposes? Advice from a SVP psychologist

Is it normal to hit a child on the bottom? About the modern generation

They are fundamentally different. They speak a different language - the language of new technologies, computers and the Internet. For the first time in human history, “the eggs teach the chicken.”“Son, how to register in social network? - “Dad, just press that big red button!”

Their psyche, shaped by the vast experience of previous generations, is much larger than ours. At their age, we solved problems at a completely different level. However, the volume of this psychic is precisely what creates danger in the event of the use of any violence - physical and verbal. The psyche of a modern child is very sensitive. What was previously allowed in relation to our upbringing is not allowed in the upbringing of our children. Even a simple slap on the butt can create very big problems for the unborn child. Let alone cruel treatment - this is the path to spiritual ugliness of this very sensitive generation.

Hitting a child does not allow him to develop

System-vector psychology very clearly shows why domestic violence delays a child’s development. For the correct full development process, children needfeeling of security and safety, which is given to them by their parents, especially their mother. When the closest people raise their hand to their child, this feeling is lost. The child receives mental trauma, stress, which forces him to become an adult early. His properties do not have time to develop to the required level corresponding to the level of development of society, and remain the same as they were in ancient man.

Thus, ancient man with the skin vector was alsothief, in order to fulfill its species role - to provide the flock with food supplies. A broken skin child begins to steal. And the more he is punished for this, the more he steals. This is how archetypal unconscious programs manifest themselves in him.

Unlimited in its properties, the urethral child, who is being controlled through violence, runs away from home in order to early age begin to fulfill your role as leader of the pack. Only his undeveloped qualities more often push him into various gangs and criminal groups, which he begins to lead.

Why you shouldn't hit a child

And so in any vector. Losing a sense of security and safety, the visual child begins to live in fears or emotional swings (hysterics); the anal one becomes stubborn and sadistic, in childhood he takes out his resentment on animals, and then on people; the sound artist withdraws into himself, taking the path of autism and schizophrenia; the oral speaker stutters and loses his ability to make brilliant speeches, etc. Beating a child means creating a sick future for him, and creating a sick society for all of us.

Why can't you hit a child? Bad conditions of parents

Child abuse exists in every society and at every level of life. This happens for two reasons. First, parents take out their bad feelings on the child. Secondly, they beat the child simply out of powerlessness, not knowing how to cope with him, to make him more manageable. Let's look at each of the reasons in more detail.

The increase in domestic violence in the modern world (and especially in Russia) is caused by the fact that more and more people are in poor conditions. A person’s desires are growing, and the ways to fulfill them are becoming fewer and fewer. It seems that all the ways to get pleasure from life have already been tried, but for some reason this is not enough and you want more. But what? Not understanding himself and his true desires, a person rushes about, replacing the real pleasure from the realization of natural desires with surrogates of pleasures.

Bad conditions naturally affect those around us. And who is most defenseless and unable to fight back? Own child. Parents often take it out on him for their failure in life. I got caught, asked at the wrong time, distracted at the wrong time, didn’t do what the parent wanted.

Especially great frustrations and dissatisfaction with life are found in modern society people with an anal vector, whose values are opposite to the values of consumer society. Their priorities are precisely related to family and children, but are unable to fit into new life Where individualism, material success, mental flexibility and the ability to adapt rule, they become the worst enemies of their own family.

Is it possible to hit a child on the bottom?

It is the frustrated (who has failed to realize himself socially or sexually) anal man who is most prone to domestic sadism, beats his wife, and sometimes beats his child. An anal woman who is in frustration takes it out primarily on children.

Parents with other vectors, who are frustrated or stressed, can also beat their child. Thus, a skin mother, who is in a situation of material restrictions and deprivations (which is a lot of stress for her), in a state of irritation, is capable of slapping her child. Even a visual mother, who in a developed and realized state is the kindest and most loving, can spank a child in a state of hysteria, and then cry with him out of pity for him, not understanding how she did this.

Hitting a child to make him obedient

Most often, parents justify their outbursts of violence by saying that the child asked for it: he did not obey, behaved inappropriately, it is not clear what he wanted. Parents are unable to cope with the child only because they do not understand his mentality, his innate properties, often trying to force him to do as they themselves would do, that is, understanding the child through their own properties, trying to impose on himyour desires.

So, the fast and impetuous skin mother pulls the slow and thorough anal baby off the potty, thereby interrupting the most important process of cleansing the body for him. And now the stubborn one is ready, who does not want to go to kindergarten and is constantly offended by his mother. What means of education can such a mother use when persuasion no longer helps? Of course, a slap on the bottom, and instead of making the child more obedient, it perpetuates stubbornness and resentment in him.

How to learn not to scream or hit a child?Parents who have completed training in system-vector psychology understand that upbringing with elements of violence does not produce any positive results; moreover, it reinforces in the child the negative properties inherent in the incorrect development of his vectors.

It is much more effective to understand the natural properties of the child andtalk to him in his language. Do not gag an oral child. Pay a lot of attention to the little viewer. Speak in a low voice to the sound system. Letting the leisurely analist finish his important business. Do not tie a child who is too mobile to a chair. Call the urethral specialist to responsibility. Teach the olfactory sense to survive in any circumstances. Physically stress a muscular child. And then violence will not be needed. This is evidenced by numerous reviews from parents who have completed the training (see one of them).

In addition, parents with systems thinking better understand themselves and their conditions. Mental awareness gives you the knowledge of how to fulfill your true desires, which means how to feel happier, more fulfilled. And at the same time, pay attention to control your own negative states if you happen to fall under the influence of stress. Even after the first free lectures on the skin and anal vector, people suddenly realize that they cannot raise a hand against a child. Something is stopping them. And that something is awareness, which can be a great power. So the question is“How to stop hitting your child?”disappears by itself.

Why is beating a child becoming the norm in Russia?

And yet, one cannot help but touch upon the issue of the growth of violence against children in the family in Russia. In Western countries with a developed skin mentality, cases of violence also occur, but still there the child is much more under the protection of the law. There is juvenile justice, which protects the child, first of all, from parental violence. The child is informed that in case of mistreatment by parents, he has somewhere to turn for help.

In Russia, with its urethral-muscular mentality, trying to solve the problem of domestic violence with the help of the law is useless, because the urethral measure does not feel restrictions, “the law is not written to it.”

The situation is aggravated by the fact that we are following the path of a consumer society, alien to our mentality, based on skin values. This is natural, because the values of all humanity are now dictated by the skin phase of its development. However, this is completely opposite to us mentally. We are collective, unlimited, and the public is more important to us than the personal. Trying to perceive the skin values of unbridled consumption, individualism, and material success, most Russians feel strong dissatisfaction, which is difficult to comprehend and, even more so, somehow define in words. All this gives bad conditions.

Bad conditions of parents

Now many specialists, professionals with an anal vector in Russia are in a frustrated state due to their social unfulfillment, which often leads to sexual frustration (women more often choose socially realized men). Nobody needs their desire for quality and accuracy of work. Their rhythm of life does not correspond to the modern one, which is why they fall out of active life,"hanging out on the couch"and taking out your bad condition on your loved ones.

Even the best anal teachers, who had the much-needed recognition, respect and gratitude in the USSR, now, due to the loss of the high social status of the teacher, increasingly began to take out their dissatisfaction on their students. And so we hear on the news how somewhere in the Perm region a teacher, who previously had no complaints in her work, suddenly beat her student and put matches in his mouth, with which he tried to burn something.

Now on the street in our country you can often see a motherhits a child, and this does not cause anyone to be outraged or want to stop the violence. In Soviet times, we were not so indifferent to each other and did not pass by when something like this happened on the street. We became disunited and stopped helping each other, as we did during the socialist system, which was close to our mentality. Then all the children were ours, and we were responsible for all the children. We now believe that it is the parent's right to treat the child as the parent's instincts dictate.

However, this is the path to the degradation of society. We must again turn to the values of our mentality, remember that all children are ours, that children are our common future. And treat them with full individual responsibility.

Why you shouldn't hit a child

If every adult undergoes training in system-vector psychology, he will acquire a number of very important benefits for life: understanding himself, understanding his children and understanding the society in which he lives. This knowledge can really make our society healthier, and our future stable and prosperous.

The article was written using materialstraining in system-vector psychology by Yuri Burlan.

Unfortunately, there are still many families where they try to achieve obedience from a child through assault. Parents who beat their children with a belt are confident that they can raise a person this way. However, in reality, the use of brute physical force by elders only proves their complete incompetence and confirms their inability to find an acceptable way to influence their child.

What does punishing children with a belt lead to?

Scientists and psychologists have proven that a child whose parents use physical superiority for pedagogical purposes suffers from this throughout his life: childhood cruelty, juvenile delinquency and sexual disorders - often corporal punishment at a young age is behind all this. Of course, if the child has done something wrong, you should not let him get away with it. However, before beating children with a belt, let's figure out what prompts adults to choose such punishment and how it can turn out.

First, try to put yourself in the place of a child who is about to be taught a lesson with a rod. Will you feel love for the person who raises his hand to you? Of course no. Experiencing physical pain and humiliation, the baby is not able to answer you in kind. Often the thought flashes through his head: “Well, it’s okay, when I grow up, I’ll definitely take revenge on you.” Now answer: is your goal really to raise a person who, as an adult, will begin to take out his anger on you for the beatings inflicted on him in childhood?

Of course, over time, the pain subsides, grievances are forgotten, but the thought of revenge remains in the subconscious as an unrealized need for aggression, which sooner or later finds a way out. Surely, each of us has had the opportunity to cross paths with cruel, ruthless people who are hostile to everyone. Remember that by punishing children with a belt, slaps on the head, or spanking the butt, you will not be able to achieve the desired pedagogical result. By such actions you either instill in your child bitterness and stubbornness, or develop cowardice and deceit in him.

Many will say: “But they beat me as a child - and nothing, I became a man.” Firstly, do not forget that each child is an individual, and it is impossible to say unequivocally how a child will survive this or that type of punishment. Secondly, even if you don’t hold a grudge against your parents for their physical approach to upbringing, you’re unlikely to be grateful to them for everything that happened. In most cases, people are simply afraid to admit that they could have done without assault; they just don’t believe it can be different.

So, parents who hit their children with a belt forget that this type of punishment only humiliates them. The use of physical force demonstrates indifference and disregard for the child as an individual - screaming and hitting make him close himself off from adults and undermine trust in them. As a result of using such educational techniques, children are afraid of those closest to them. In addition, being regularly beaten, the baby begins to believe that all problems are solved with the help of assault; that it is possible to offend and humiliate the weak.

How to raise a child without a belt?

This may seem strange to some, but in fact, children are usually not afraid of a belt, a corner, or a rod. Psychological techniques upbringing has a stronger impact on the child than assault, because in this case the parents force him to look him in the eye and demand a response in the form of agreement, denial or compromise. However, even this pedagogical approach has its own negative sides. Here it is very important not to overdo it with the educational function, so as not to develop in the child a tendency towards hypocrisy, fear of making mistakes, or the habit of meekly following other people’s rules, killing his inner “I”.

So how do you raise a child without a belt? One of the most effective ways is a calm conversation with the child after committing any offense and a ban on his favorite activity (watching cartoons, buying sweets) for a certain period of time. When choosing this method of influence, you must adhere to the following rules:

Before punishing your child, think about whether you really understood the reasons that pushed him to commit an offense. You may be making a mistake;
If this is the first time a child has misbehaved, do not be too strict with him. It is better to explain what he did wrong and agree that it should not be repeated;
Refrain from reading notations. If your child breaks a toy, just say that tomorrow he will have nothing to show off to his friends. This is much more effective than scolding him for his carelessness and telling him that he does not appreciate what you do for him;
Remember that hitting children with a belt or using other forms of physical force is unacceptable. At a family council in a calm atmosphere, clearly define the rules of punishment and reward. Tell your child what certain pranks can lead to for him;
If you had to say that computer access will be limited for a week for educational purposes, be sure to keep your promise. Never throw words to the wind, otherwise the child will decide that everything is allowed to him;
Criticize only actions, not the child.

Beating children with a belt is not the only method of education that has become obsolete. You cannot choose work as a punishment, because in this case the child will begin to treat work as hard labor. You should not scold your child if he gets sick or faces problems; before going to bed or immediately after waking up, while playing or eating. Punishment is inappropriate in moments of acute emotional distress, in particular after a fall, fight, quarrel, getting a bad grade at school, etc. This does not mean that you should feel sorry - just do not add fuel to the fire.

10 facts against corporal punishment of children and 8 tips for parents to restrain themselves, not to slap them on the head and not to lose the trust of their child.

Any physical impact, be it a single push, slap, slap on the head, or a series of blows, shaking, spanking with a belt, is a gross violation of a person’s personal boundaries. As a result, children whose parents beat “for educational purposes” will not be able to develop the ability to protect and defend their own boundaries in adulthood, and will also not be taught the ability to recognize and.

Mom and dad are the closest and most beloved people; in fact, they are the main and, often, the only environment of the baby during the period when he is just beginning to explore the world and learns to build relationships with other people. In early childhood, basic trust in the world is formed, which later becomes the foundation for interaction with the outside world. Inflicting physical pain and intimidation on those closest to you greatly undermines trust in them and in the rest of the world. This greatly inhibits mental development and affects socialization.

When a child is beaten, in addition to pain, he experiences fear, disappointment, and humiliation. The consequence of this is a decrease in self-esteem and loss of self-respect. A “personality breakdown” is inevitable. The child “isolates” into himself, and the development of such qualities as initiative, leadership and creativity is automatically suppressed.

Depending on the character characteristics of the child, whom parents punish by inflicting physical pain and humiliating his dignity, there is a very high probability of developing pessimism, and in some cases, embitterment.

Physical punishment does not affect the root cause of disobedience and brings short-term results. At first, physical punishment frightens the child, but he quickly “gets used to” this unpleasant measure of influence, and, at a minimum, internally distances himself from the offending parent, and often begins to feel the desire to take revenge.

If an adult is not a sadist, he will inevitably experience a feeling of guilt and remorse after physical violence against a child who is weaker and more defenseless than an adult. The result of assault is a spoiled mood for all family members.

When parents hit their children, they set an example of sociopathic behavior. A child, faced with parental aggression, concludes that all difficult situations must be resolved using force, aggression and intimidation. And, growing up, he will make appropriate choices. And here the range of consequences will be enormous: from children who are aggressive in kindergarten and at school, the so-called difficult teenagers - brawlers, bullies, hooligans to juvenile delinquents, maniacs, sadists and sexual perverts.

A child who is beaten by his parents from early childhood gets used to the fact that he deserves such an attitude, and subconsciously learns as a kind of axiom that the people around him have the right to humiliate and offend him. If the closest people in the world, his parents, beat him and consider this normal, what can be expected from others?

A child who faces parental aggression and physical punishment will unconsciously divide the whole world into “Victims” and “Aggressors”, and even as an adult, will behave in accordance with the chosen role. The typical behavior of a girl-Victim will develop according to a well-known scenario: she will unconsciously choose the Aggressor as a partner and spouse in order, again without realizing it, to recreate for herself the situation of violence, cruelty and intimidation familiar from childhood. And the Aggressor boy gets married and begins to systematically torture his wife and children, and the forms of aggression will vary from so-called “verbal sadism” (hurtful words, constant criticism, unfair assessments, name-calling, systematic undermining of self-esteem in his wife and children, yelling at family members , threats) to throwing objects, beatings and causing injuries varying degrees gravity.

If parents get used to hitting a child and do not always control their affect, there is a very high probability of causing physical injury to the child, even if unwittingly. There are plenty of cases when an angry dad pulls his naughty daughter’s hand too sharply and she gets dislocated; or a mother in irritation pushes her son who was rude to her and his forehead hits the doorway or the back of his head hits the armrest - the child gets a hematoma. In addition, suppression and physical abuse in childhood can cause diseases of the nervous system, including mental illness.

“And if you don’t beat him, the child will grow up to be a mumbler!”

Yes, one of the most common arguments in favor of harsh upbringing and physical punishment is a discussion on the possible dangers of showing gentleness and pity for children: supposedly, if you don’t show toughness and feel sorry for the child every time he shows a need for pity, affection, understanding and forgiveness, the child will learn to manipulate his parents. On the contrary, affectionate, patient and understanding parents raise children who know how to understand and forgive. And the fear of raising a child to be a manipulator is typical of manipulative parents. A typical example of manipulation over one’s own children is the postulate that “love and respect must be earned,” and good attitude and gifts must be paid off daily with obedient behavior, good grades and other variations on the theme of satisfying parental expectations.

“How to resist and not get slapped on the head?”

First of all, try to anticipate a situation of acute conflict. The most common reason for immeasurably mischievous child behavior and violation of parental prohibitions is a desire to attract attention! Set aside at least half an hour or an hour for individual communication with your child: play, take a walk, show interest in his hobbies. It is not difficult and effective; practice shows that the child becomes much less capricious and mischievous.
Try to negotiate and control your affect. If you feel like you are losing control of your anger, take a time out. Leave the room, breathe deeply and allow your intellect to prevail over your affect.
An excellent start to working on self-control will be the recognition of the fact that physical superiority over a child is in no way an argument worthy of an adult with normal level internal culture.
Learn to analyze yourself. Ask yourself: “What is driving me now, at this moment when I am ready to hit a child?” Possible answers will be more eloquent than any recommendation - fatigue, accumulated irritation, desire for a quick, immediate result when influencing a child, reluctance to understand him and find the right arguments, the right words, suitable intonations to convince him.
Remember that if, within reasonable limits, you give children what they so strive to achieve, they will not only grow up to be self-confident people with developed initiative and creative abilities, but from the example of their parents, they will learn to be grateful and give joy to loved ones.
Try to negotiate with children and interest them. The “carrot and stick” method is more appropriate when training animals, but in human children it is more advisable to cultivate the ability to independently distinguish between good and evil, think about the consequences of their actions and bear responsibility for their consequences.
Try to protect your child from suppression, intimidation and equalization for as long as possible. The older, stronger as a person and more self-confident he is when he first encounters humiliation and disrespect, the less likely it is that it will “break” him and undermine his faith in people. A person who, from early childhood, is not accustomed to rudeness, rudeness and humiliation, grows up to be an optimist, an active person and a true leader who knows his own worth and has first-hand respect for the personal boundaries of other people, and also knows how to captivate, interest, support and empathize.
Enjoy this short, fleeting period of childhood with your child, bathe in love and affection, trust children as much as possible, open your heart to them, instead of intimidating and humiliating children, so fragile and defenseless in front of adults. Teach your child to enjoy life and explore the world, to enjoy life, and not “learn to survive right from the cradle in this unfair and difficult world.”

It is no secret that raising a child is a complex process, which still leaves many questions open both among mothers and fathers, and among experienced psychologists. One of them: why can’t you beat children?

Some will be surprised and find this question very strange, because it is common knowledge that physical punishment is not the best disciplinary strategy.

However, some parents are still of the opinion that education with a stick is much more effective than the currently popular education with carrots. It is necessary to figure out where the line is that separates reasonable punishment and unjustified cruelty.

“I want to hit a child” - is this normal?

The question of whether to beat or not to beat a child, as a rule, appears to parents when their beloved child turns two or three years old.

In that age period Personality formation occurs, the baby also absorbs various information, equips himself with new skills and studies the limits of what is permitted.

Obviously, such a process of growing up must be accompanied by various troubles, since the child learns about the world through trial and error. He studies and tests literally everything, and such behavior often poses a danger to children's health.

It is quite natural that every parent tries to protect their baby from various traumatic situations. It is also clear that when such cases arise, mothers and fathers are overwhelmed by bright and strong emotions.

In addition, children at the age of three enter a special crisis period, when stubbornness, despotism, negativism, obstinacy, and willful “notes” appear in their behavior. Some kids become completely uncontrollable.

Adolescents are also not distinguished by exemplary behavior; they are prone to egocentrism, maximalism and a tendency to manipulative actions.

That is why infrequent (!) outbursts of anger and the desire to spank their beloved child in their hearts visit even the most loving and most liberal parents. And this is quite normal, however, there are situations when the desire to physically punish a child can be considered something abnormal.

Other reasons for using corporal punishment

Statistics show that the overwhelming majority of Russian parents admitted that in their childhood their parents used physical punishment against them.

Moreover, 65% of all respondents are still fully confident that the use of such strict disciplinary measures by their parents was only for their benefit, so they rarely use corporal punishment on their children.

What are the sources of such ambiguous parenting decisions?

Family traditions. Some adults may take out their own childhood grievances and complexes on their child. Moreover, mothers and fathers do not even accept other methods of persuasion and education, considering that a slap on the head and good word You can achieve more than just a good word.
Reluctance to educate or lack of time. As already noted, education is a complex process, so for some parents it is much easier to hit a child than to have long conversations with him, proving him wrong.
Parental helplessness. Adults grab the strap out of despair and a simple lack of knowledge on how to deal with a disobedient or uncontrollable child.
Own failure. Sometimes parents hit their child on the bottom only because they need to take out their anger on someone else for their own failures. Any childish misbehavior becomes a reason to lash out and “take it out” on the child for your problems at work or in your personal life.
Mental instability. For some moms and dads, strong emotions are vital. They get them when they scream and beat children for no reason. Then, fueled by strong emotions, the parent who beat the child cries with him.

Thus, there are many reasons for using harsh disciplinary measures. And those who think that only alcoholic parents or other antisocial individuals are interested in such educational methods are wrong. It remains to be understood why such measures are undesirable.

Why can't you hit a child?

Fortunately, many adults who use physical punishment on children know how to stop in time and do not hit them with full force.

However, even a light blow (especially to the head) can harm a child’s body. And what younger child, the more serious the consequences. Moreover, many of them are invisible to a non-specialist.

If you do not take into account very severe cases of violence against children in the family, you can find a huge number of parents who periodically allow themselves to resort to corporal punishment.

They are convinced that it is possible to hit a child on the hands or a soft spot, since such measures do not harm health, but have a good educational effect.

However, such mothers and fathers forget that punishment can affect not only the physical, but also the psychological level.

Unwanted physical contact (slapping, poking, shaking, spanking with a belt) violates the child’s personal boundaries. He does not develop the ability to defend the limits of his “I”. That is, other people's opinions and words will have too much meaning for a grown-up person.
Based on relationships with mother and father, basic trust in the world is formed. Violence from the person closest to you becomes the cause of distrust in people, which negatively affects socialization.
Constant spanking makes a child feel humiliated, which can lead to a drop in self-esteem. And this can already lead to the loss of such important qualities as initiative, perseverance, self-esteem and perseverance.
A hitting parent leads by example aggressive behavior. A child who has encountered harshness from a father or mother believes that conflicts must be resolved with the help of force, threats and other aggressive acts.
If you spank children, they begin to divide all people into “victims” and “aggressors,” and subconsciously choose the appropriate role for themselves. Female victims marry aggressive members of the stronger sex, and male aggressors will suppress their wives and children through threats or physical violence.

Corporal punishment does not affect the cause of disobedience and is characterized by a short duration of action. At first, the fear of a spanking is present, but then the child adapts and continues to play on the parents’ nerves.

Opinion of American scientists

The truth that childhood experiences influence later life is familiar to everyone. Physical violence from loved ones is a common factor in the development of psycho-emotional disorders and neurological diseases in adulthood.

Scientists from the USA studying the consequences of using physical punishment with educational purpose, provide some shocking data. Thus, people who were regularly slapped and slapped on the head were characterized by reduced intellectual abilities.

In particular severe cases we were even talking about mental and physical impairments, since the centers responsible for processing and storing information, speech and motor functions were seriously damaged.

In addition, according to the same American scientists, children subjected to corporal punishment are more prone to vascular diseases, diabetes, arthritis and other equally serious diseases as they grow up.

Also, teenagers whose childhood was marred by parental aggression are more likely to become drug addicts, alcoholics and criminals. They also adopt a cruel parenting style and transfer it to their own children. That is, a kind of vicious circle is formed in which aggression gives rise to cruelty.

It should still be noted that this work was criticized by other experts. Some scientists felt that there were certain excesses in the data presented. For example, the researchers did not bother to divide into groups sadistic parents and those mothers and fathers who occasionally use light corporal punishment.

That is why it is extremely difficult to judge whether spanking and slaps on the head can actually lead to mental impairment or heart problems in adulthood.

Is there an alternative?

Refusal to use physical “arguments” in communication with a child does not mean that you should completely abandon disciplinary action as an effective measure.

If a child has committed a truly serious offense, adults must take certain steps. Otherwise, rare cases of inappropriate behavior may become a mass phenomenon, which will be extremely difficult to combat.

How to punish correctly?

First of all, find out the motive for the action. Probably, the reason for disassembling an expensive camera was not the desire to spoil the thing, but the desire to study its structure. In this case, you can avoid punishment by simply talking to the child and explaining the value of certain items.
Try to deprive your child of any pleasure. Only before this you need to figure out what is really important for the child. The child can be prohibited from watching cartoons or playing on the computer (for a short period of time). Limiting communication with peers is more “suitable” for a teenager.
If the baby is overly aggressive or impulsive, you can leave him alone in a room without toys, books, or a computer for a few minutes. This method is also called timeout. Of course, you can’t leave children in a closet or dark room!
Another method can hardly be called punishment; rather, it is a method of emotional influence. Most children do not realize that their bad actions hurt their parents. Another option is to show how recent behavior has upset you.
Teach your child to take responsibility for his actions. Did you get a bad grade in history? Correct it. Did you decorate the table with a felt-tip pen? Kindly clean the countertop. Many children do not even consider such measures to be “punitive”; on the contrary, they begin to develop responsible behavior.

For more information on how to properly punish a child, read the article by a child psychologist. This information will help you learn the basic rules of constructive punishment.

Another useful article that details how parents should behave if their child does not obey.

What is the harm computer games for a child? A pediatrician talks about this, as well as how to replace a computer.

Well, the highest parental aerobatics is the ability to anticipate conflict situations. First of all, you need to understand that the main source of bad behavior is the desire to attract the attention of adults. If you begin to communicate with your child more often, the number of whims and misdeeds will immediately decrease.

Alternative measures do not work: what to do?

Many parents, reading such advice, begin to think that the authors live in some kind of parallel or ideal reality, in which the child is always obedient, and the mother is always calm and balanced.

Of course, there are situations when requests, persuasion, and explanations are not able to help calm and bring a stubborn or enraged child to a normal emotional state.

In such a situation, as some experts are sure, a light slap can switch attention and become a kind of inhibitor of a psycho-emotional surge. Naturally, the strength of the spank must be controlled (as well as your mental state).

In addition, corporal punishment (we are not talking about flogging in this case) is not excluded if:

childish behavior poses a direct threat to the life and health of the little hooligan (poking fingers into sockets, playing with fire, moving towards the road, approaching the edge of a cliff, etc.);
the child has crossed absolutely all limits of what is permitted, clearly trying to piss you off, and he does not respond to other disciplinary measures and may even behave inappropriately (see the previous paragraph).

After a light spanking, it is imperative to explain what the punishment was for and how to behave correctly. Don’t forget to also say that it is the action you don’t like, and not the child himself. You still love him.

Parents to the studio!

Curious what moms and dads themselves think about this? As is usually the case in matters of education, opinions vary significantly. Some parents are convinced that spanking and ordinary spankings on the butt are quite effective method disciplinary action.

Like, they beat us with rods for the misdeeds of our ancestors, and nothing - they grew up no worse than the rest.

Other adults oppose any forceful influence on the child, believing that the best way education are conversations, explanations, stories and visual examples. Here are specific statements from parents.

Anastasia, expectant mother:“And it often hit me on the butt: both with a belt and with the palm of my hand. And nothing - everything is fine. Now I myself think that if talking doesn’t help, you can use force. But not to beat him, of course, but just lightly on a soft spot. A child needs to be hit on the bottom occasionally if he doesn’t understand normal words.”

Christina, mother of 2-year-old Yaroslav:“When I was a child, I was often beaten with a belt, and I still resent my mother. She still thinks that if she beat a child, then there are no problems. I firmly decided that I would not spank my kids. And I try to solve all the difficulties with my son without a belt or spanking. I’m trying to negotiate, even though he’s still small. Calm conversations seem to work.”

Of course, only you can decide which parenting methods are applicable specifically to your child. However, it should be understood that the formation of personality occurs from early childhood, and it depends on the parents what the current baby will bring to his future life.

Many experts oppose physical punishment, giving fairly well-reasoned examples of why you should not hit your children. Perhaps their arguments will help you decide whether the carrot or the stick is better.

You shouldn't hit a child on the head. Recently, a study jointly conducted by specialists from King's College London and specialists from the National University of Singapore was published in the American Journal of Psychiatry. It states that poor treatment of children by parents (including beating children on the butt and head) has a detrimental effect on the processes occurring in their brain. And these processes directly affect the development of the child.

After tests and CT scans of the brains of people who took part in the study, who in childhood experienced cruel treatment by their parents and relatives, as well as people who escaped this fate, it turned out that in various parts of the brain of the former, the level of gray matter was below the permissible norm. This means that the mental development of children who have been hit on the head will lag behind their peers. And after mental development, the physical development of children may also lag behind. This may also cause the development of various mental disorders in the future.

According to experts, the lack of gray matter provoked the further development of certain deviations in their nervous system. The structure of the brain also suffers, which leads to various mental and physical abnormalities.

My husband is a stepfather to my son from his first marriage. For the slightest offense, my husband hits my son, especially often on the head. When I say that children should not be beaten, he replies that if he is not raised, he will grow up to be a bad person. And I feel so sorry for him: my son is not so bad, sometimes he does something wrong, but he is a child. He is already so afraid of his husband that when he sees him, he begins to twitch and stutter a little. It is not normal! How to explain to your husband why you shouldn’t hit your children? And especially, why shouldn’t you hit children on the head?

Yes, you guessed correctly: children cannot be hit and, of course, they cannot be hit on the head. Blows to the back of the head cause the greatest damage to a person, not only a child, but even an adult. This is a prohibited strike even in fights without rules. Blows to the head can significantly slow down a child’s development. Here a very interesting article by a neurologist on this topic, read it carefully to understand what hitting a child on the head is not educating him, but depriving him of a future.

Why can’t you prove to your husband that hitting a child on the head is wrong?

Unfortunately, most likely you will not be able to convince your husband that he is wrong. Because he hits kids over the head out of his own frustrations. And education is only a reason for the beatings to have some reason in his own eyes. It is much easier for him to explain his cruelty by saying that the child did something wrong than to admit his own tendency towards sadism.

Learn more about why your husband does this and how to find a relationship with him. mutual language, you can attend free online lectures on system-vector psychology by Yuri Burlan.