You are not five years old, but your mother still asks what you had for breakfast and whether you put on a hat. Dad never misses a chance to remind you that you are a clumsy clumsy. And, of course, both parents believe that you generally live wrong, and any attempt to talk ends in a scandal and mutual reproaches. We have collected six tips from psychologists on how adult children should talk to their parents.
Sasha Galitsky - art therapist, engaged in wooden sculpture with people who are from 70 to 100 years old
Mikhail Labkovsky - practicing psychologist
Don't try to change your parents
Sasha Galitsky:“Accept your parents as they are, with all the shortcomings, remembering that parents are not chosen and you will never have others.”
Mikhail Labkovsky:“One of the biggest problems for a person is to accept parents for who they are. For example, it happens that a child cannot win the love of his parents. In this case, you need to take out a pathological need from yourself so that your mother at least at some age pays attention to you. It's very difficult, but real."
Do not argue and do not quarrel
Sasha Galitsky:“The aggression of older people comes from dissatisfaction with themselves. When you accept the cause of aggression, when you smile at an elderly relative and do not respond to his attacks, aggression subsides. If he answered, he disappeared.
Mikhail Labkovsky:“When you hang up and think you've dealt with your parents, nothing happens. Resentment, aggression, rage - this is not a solution to the problem. When you send dad or mom, you are cool, of course, but you remain a resentful person.
Don't hold a grudge against your parents and don't blame yourself
Sasha Galitsky:“Guilt haunts everyone. No matter what happens, there remains a feeling that I didn’t finish it, I didn’t finish it, I behaved incorrectly with my parents. You don't have to blame yourself. Time is to blame. This is a vicious cycle that does not depend on us.”
Mikhail Labkovsky:“You don't owe anyone anything. There is a correct answer: “I didn’t ask you to give birth.” It was the choice of the parents, so no one owes anything to anyone here.”
Explain exactly what you want
Mikhail Labkovsky:“You need to be very specific in explaining to your mother what you do not want - so that a five-year-old child can understand. "Stay out of my life" is very abstract. "I don't want to discuss my appearance"- specifics. Mom, of course, will be offended at first, but as a result, she will begin to reckon with you and speak in a way that is comfortable for you.
Don't expect fun
Sasha Galitsky:“If you don’t wait for the pleasure of interacting with elderly relatives, the likelihood that you will still get it increases. You can get pleasure from yourself. For example: if I have a difficult conversation with a parent, I must restrain my own anger. One second it will be hard for me, and the rest of the time I will enjoy the fact that I restrained myself.
If you don't want to talk, don't talk
Mikhail Labkovsky:“If dad regularly calls you drunk and wants to talk, tell him: “Dear dad. I love you very much. When you call drunk, I definitely don't talk to you. I hang up and don't be offended by me." And never after that, do not break the word, do not say, “Dad, I asked drunk people not to call me.” If dad doesn’t understand something, you can just block his number.”
Mikhail Labkovsky, a practicing psychologist with 30 years of experience, a well-known lecturer, TV and radio host, reflects on family values - how to instill them in a child, whether to teach them at school and answers the painful question “to read or not to read?”
The only way to instill values in children is by example. The child watches how adults live, and is formed not because they say something to him, but because his parents do something themselves. For example, the relationship between father and mother, traditions - weekend dinners, spending time together. Each family, apparently, has its own values, but a child can learn this only by observing adults. Of course, you can read books on parenting, but you are who you are, and the child is shaped by your actions, not your words. What you are saying doesn't make any sense.
About disagreements
With a child, never find out the methods of upbringing, agree when he sleeps or is not at home. Mom should not cross out the punishments or attitudes that dad gives, because this harms the child's psyche. Another problem has arisen: disagreements appear not because parents have different views on life, but because they express their conflict in this way, through the child. In a sense, specifically to prove who is in charge in the house. Unfortunately, as a rule, this is an expression that the parents have a bad relationship with each other, and not because they have disagreements. Children from this "roof rides", because it is not clear to them who is in charge - one forbids, the other allows, and the child becomes neurotic, begins to manipulate - he goes in turn to mom and dad and, playing on their differences, tries to get his way.
About Teaching Family Values
Attempts to teach family values were. About 30 years ago in the USSR, I myself taught a subject at a school called "Psychology and Ethics family life". The first chapter was devoted to the family of Karl Marx as a model of family life. In fact, both parents and the state should have values, which wants to get something from the family, to achieve certain qualities from it. And when family values are specifically formulated both in the family and in the state, then this will be formed in the child. This cannot be achieved as long as everyone brings up the way they want: one family is concerned about education, the other about earning money, the third wants to make the girl charming, and the boy purposeful. By the way, the purposefulness of the boys is nonsense, because you can very purposefully clean up the garbage in the yard, wave a broom. And you can be a charming academician with painted eyelashes.
About education
You cannot educate anyone, it is an illusion. You can’t specifically bring up “purposefulness” or “charming”. Whatever you come up with, no matter how you behave with your child, you only convey your personality to him - how you behave, how you talk, earn money, what you do at home, whether you take part in family life. For example, you say that you are so cool, tired, feed your family, so “leave me alone, I bring you money.” Or you are a housewife whose interests revolve around cheap potatoes in a nearby market. At the same time, you want your girl to go to university.
In a good way, values are the values of parents, those by which they live. The main thing is that they live by the rules that they want to pass on to their children, and then everything will work out. For example, if a husband respects his wife, then boys will grow up in respect for girls, and if parents talk about respect, and at the same time yell at each other, then this is empty. The child will also scream.
About reading
You should read the books that you like. I read two magazines: Autoreview and Caravan of Stories. I have a problem with books - I'm looking for positive literature, I need not only the ending to be happy, but also the beginning and middle of the book. There is very little of this: so far in Russian-language literature I have found the blogger Slava Se, who lives in Latvia, and also Narine Abgaryan.
In general, to those parents who are trying to teach their children to read, I want to explain one simple thing - books do not teach anything. Stalin could read up to 600 pages a day, he had favorite writers, and he himself wrote quite high-quality poetry. And at the same time, he was a tyrant, in Ukraine he staged a famine, in particular. And to talk about the fact that books make a person deeper, more humane, more humane - this is complete nonsense, they do not do this.
You have to want to read books, just like going to the movies or going for walks. But they do not make a person smarter or dumber. If you are interested, read, but do not force children, they are already up to their ears in gadgets, it is better to go for a walk on the street.
November 26 Mikhail Labkovsky will hold the second lecture-consultation in Kyiv, which will be devoted to the question of how to build healthy relationships in the family.
School life goes on as usual: children write the first control, parental chats are in full swing. And many good intentions of mothers on the eve of the school year - not to collect a portfolio for the child, not to chastise for bad grades - are broken in the constant conditions that the school brings to the family. But even if they think that something is wrong with the school, the psychologist Mikhail Labkovsky is convinced: God bless her, with the school, this is not the most important thing in life.
Now let me say a few words without protocol.
What do we learn, so to speak, family and school? -
That life itself will punish people like us severely.
Here we agree, - tell me, Seryoga!
Vladimir Vysotsky
The first and most important thing: you don’t need to do homework with your child! There is no need to pack a briefcase with him! Ask "how is it at school?" No need. You spoil the relationship, and the result is only negative. You don't have anything else to talk to him about?
The child must have personal free time, when he is doing nothing: two to four hours a day. Anxious ambitious parents of children organize. Circles, sections, languages ... And they get children's neuroses and everything that comes with them.
In relations with the school and teachers, you must be on the side of your child. Take care of the children. Don't be afraid of bad grades. Be afraid to bring to disgust for school and study in general.
School grades versus child's relationship with parents
Russian parents are focused on grades at school. This is from Soviet times. For example, there were two Czechs and one Pole in my class. After one serious test at the meeting, all "our" parents asked about grades and only Czechs and Poles asked something like: "How did he feel? Was he worried?" And it is right.
It is difficult to say who has more psychological problems - an excellent student or a loser. Excellent students who take diligence and "hatch" their fives are anxious children with low self-esteem.
If your child cannot do homework on his own, there is always a reason. Lane has nothing to do with it. Such a category as "laziness" does not exist in psychology at all. Laziness is always decomposed into a lack of motivation and will.
Among the reasons why a child does not do homework himself, there can be anything: increased intracranial pressure, hypertonicity, psychological problems, (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder). And instead of spending evenings sitting together on textbooks, it is better to try to determine this cause and work on eliminating it.
There are parents who want to raise responsible, independent, successful children.
And there are parents whose goal is total control over the child, and how he grows up there is not so important - the main thing is not to get off the leash.
How often because of the anxiety about grades, families literally collapse, relationships collapse, parents and children find themselves separated, sometimes forever.
The psyche of adolescents is already aggravated, and the months of preparation for the GIA and the Unified State Examination become truly black times for the family: everyone is haunted by neuroses and depressions, they provoke tantrums, illnesses, almost suicides. How to avoid all this nightmare or at least minimize the consequences?
I think focus on love and eternal values. To think that pretty soon, when all grades and exams are erased from memory, only one thing will be important - have you lost closeness, trust, understanding, friendship with your child ...
After all, you can get an A and lose your daughter. Pass the exam, "to enter the son in the institute", but no longer restore relations.
Lectures on the upbringing of children, advice from psychologists and teachers on family relationships are effective and make sense only if the parents themselves are psychologically well or at least stable.
Being unhappy people there is no way you can build a relationship with a child that makes him happy. And if the parents are happy, then you don’t need to do anything special.
Many people think that everything is fine with them, parents, and only their children have problems. And they are surprised when two completely grown up in one family. different child: one is self-confident, successful, an excellent student in combat and political, and the other is a notorious loser, always whining or aggressive. But this means that the children felt differently in the family and some of them did not have enough attention. Someone was more sensitive and more in need of love, but the parents did not notice this.
As you communicate with a child in his childhood, so he will treat you in your old age.
When your child is born, you consider it a miracle, you are happy that you have become parents, you do everything to make the child feel good, you rejoice at communicating with him, admire every little thing ... But now he is 6 or 7 years old, and between you and school gets up as a child.
As if a military commissar comes into the house and pulls the child out of the family. Although, what, in fact, is happening so terrible? Well, he needs to go to school, gain knowledge to the best of his ability, communicate, grow up. Why let this natural process separate you? School is smaller than life and needs to be taken outside of your relationship with your child.
The school should teach not so much mathematics and literature as life itself. From the school it is important to get not so much theoretical knowledge as practical skills: the ability to communicate, build relationships, be responsible for oneself - one's words and actions, solve one's problems, negotiate, manage one's time. It is these skills that allow you to feel confident in adulthood and earn a living.
excessive child's feelings about bad grades- this is only a mirror of the reaction of adults. If parents calmly react to a deuce or failures in sports, to some other failures, if parents smile, say “My good man, don’t be upset,” then the child is calm, stable, always levels out in school and finds a business where he has everything it turns out.
You will grow old - how will they live?
If in primary school your child does not cope with the program (some tutors are already hired in the first grade), if you have to sit with your child over lessons for a long time, the problem is not with the child, but at school, gymnasium, lyceum. These institutions work exclusively on the ambitions of parents and do not care about children, but about their own prestige and the cost of their services. Harder doesn't mean better! The child should not overwork, try to catch up with the program compiled by teachers who constantly need the help of parents, tutors, the Internet, etc.
In the first grade, the preparation of homework should take from 15 to 45 minutes. Otherwise, you won't last long.
It is possible and sometimes even necessary to punish children. But you need to clearly separate the child and his act. For example, you agreed in advance that before you come home from work, he will do his homework, eat and clean up after himself. And then you come home and see a picture: the pot of soup is untouched, the textbooks obviously have not been opened, some papers are lying on the carpet, and the child is sitting with his nose in the tablet.
The main thing at this moment is not to turn into a fury, not to yell about the fact that "everyone has children like children", and about what a shameless tormentor, irresponsible freak he is and that zero without a wand will grow out of him.
Without the slightest aggression, you approach the child. Smiling, hug him and say: "I love you very much, but you won't get a tablet anymore." You can also give out an old Nokia phone. Without any internet.
But yelling, insulting, offended and not talking - that's not necessary. The child is punished by the weaning of gadgets.
There is no need to live their life for children, decide what to do and what not to do, solve their problems for them, put pressure on them with your ambitions, expectations, instructions. You will grow old, how will they live?
All over the world, only the smartest and richest go to universities. The rest go to work, look for themselves and earn money for higher education. What do we have?
If a child is constantly guarded, he does not know what it is to be responsible for his actions, remains infantile and greedy for any opportunity to violate the ban.
I am against constant scrutiny. The child must be sure that the family loves him, respects him, respects him and trusts him. In this case, he will not contact the "bad company" and will avoid many temptations that peers with a tense situation in the family cannot resist.
When I worked at school, on the Day of Knowledge I said that you need to study, if only because you get paid many times more for working with your head than for physical labor. And that once you learn, you can work and get paid for what you love to do.
The mess in the teenager's room corresponds to his internal state. This is how outwardly chaos is expressed in his spiritual world. It's good if he washes ... You can demand to "put things in order" only if the child's things are lying around outside his room.
To educate is not to explain how to live. This does not work. Children develop only by analogy. What is possible and what is not, how it should be and how it is better not to act, children understand not from the words of their parents, but exclusively from their actions. Simply put, if the father says that drinking is harmful, but he himself does not dry out, there are many chances that the son will become an alcoholic. This is the most striking example, but children catch and adopt more subtle things no less sensitively.
If a child tries to manipulate adults, he simply has a neurosis. And we need to look for its cause. Healthy people do not manipulate - they solve their problems by acting straightforwardly.
The child should feel that parents are kind, but strong people. Who can protect him, who can refuse him something, but always act in his interests and, most importantly, love him very much.
Educational issues scare not only young and inexperienced parents. The need to understand the nuances of the psychology of children and adolescents makes hair stand on end even for experienced moms and dads.
And even Mikhail Labkovsky calls the teenage period the most difficult in a person's life. "Letidor" carefully listened to the consultation and chose the 8 most interesting and unusual thoughts of the psychologist. We hope that his thoughts and advice will help to better understand adolescents.
What are the criteria to understand whether a 6-year-old child is ready for school?
In Russia there are so-called ZUMs (abbreviated as knowledge, skills, skills). For example, your child in the second quarter of the first grade should read 120 characters per minute, answer questions about what they read, and so on. In my life, in addition to 10 years of work at the school, I also went on excursions to two schools - in Israel and in English.
Their elementary school lasts 6 years instead of 4 years. And they absolutely do not care who is at what level of development. There are children there who in the 2nd grade know the program of the 6th grade, and there are those who in the 5th grade do not know the program of the 1st grade. They believe that these are features of age development, and do not consider this a problem. There is no such thing in Russia: there are very strict rules here. Well, respectively, the output is the same result: 50% - performance in elementary school, 11% - in secondary. Do you understand what 11% is? That is, 89% of children do not learn the program at all.
For a boy, the main thing is that he be tall and healthy. That is all that is required of him. Because if he is small, he will simply be beaten up on September 1st.
As a psychologist, I can say that physical development plays a really important role for a boy, and not social, psychological, mental, and so on. If he can fight back with his classmates, let him go to school.
How to behave with a 7-year-old child for whom there are no authorities?
First, he can be punished. The child does not have authorities, but there certainly are values. To understand what is wrong with a child - a lack of authority or a problem with communication - you need to ask him to draw a person on a piece of paper. If you see that there are no ears, mouth, eyes, fingers, or anything from this spectrum, for example, ears, then the child does not really hear you. This is exactly how it should be accepted. He is even younger in terms of his development (7 years old) in terms of communication.
If a child (12 years old) does not want to go in for sports, how to understand at what moment you need to listen to his desire, and at what moment - to insist on your own?
What is there to understand? The child does not want to work! There is never a need to force. Now you need to let go of everything and generally not take the child anywhere. If after some time the child expressed a desire, and you drive him and pay money for him, then just tell him directly: “What does “I want” or “I don’t want” mean? Let's agree this: if you go for a month or two, then we continue. As soon as I said “I don’t want to”, we don’t do anything further.” Then the child will have at least some responsibility.
In child psychology, at the age of 12, a circle of interests is already formed. He is not 5 years old and not 8. But due to the fact that he is forced, he continues to behave like a 5-year-old. Because he does not understand what he wants, because from the very beginning it was imposed on him.
Give the child the opportunity to choose, do not put pressure on him. And only after that, not only call for responsibility, but simply set a condition: either the child is engaged, or this topic will be closed.
How important is it to unconditionally accept everything that a child says?
About trust. If a child is lying, then he has a reason for this. He feels that way, and it's already true. If some event that the child talks about did not happen, but he says so, he has a reason for that. In this sense, you have to trust him.
My friend has a small child (5.5 years old). He takes him to preparatory group to school. The child is such a bully - he began to throw other people's briefcases over the fence. He was punished, his father was called. Then the father and son get into the car, and the child says to him: “Dad, you and I have the same blood, right? Who are you going to believe?" The child is right.
In order for you to have a trusting relationship with your child, you need to keep the following in mind. First, you need to close your mouth. Children should be allowed to speak as much as they want. At the same time, do not insert replicas like “What did you think?”, “We told you.” You should just listen silently to what the child is saying.
It's like with cats and dogs. If you do not wave your arms, then the animal will do. As soon as you start showing activity, they run away. It's the same with children. If you interrupt all the time and say what you think about it when you are not asked, that's all.
So, first, you need to be patient, close your mouth and listen to what the child is saying. Secondly, this is the most difficult thing: to continue not to open your mouth until he asks you.
How to influence a 10-year-old girl who is prone to fullness?
If the doctor did not find any hormonal disorders, then the only reason for her overeating is the nervous condition that she seizes. With what it is connected, I cannot say. If there is no obesity and the doctor does not say to go on a diet urgently, then let him eat for health.
The very idea that you need to do something quickly, because you will grow up scary, is the road to anorexia.
Don't focus on food at all. This is not a problem for the reason that she has not even started her period yet.
What if the child reacts aggressively to the fact that the parents take away the phone from him and delete the games?
Well, firstly, he already needs to be taken to a child psychologist, because this drug addiction has begun. On one of the TV channels there is a program "Honey, we are killing children." It was not so long ago shown how a mother takes a laptop from a 10-year-old child, and he fights and swears. And this is already drug addiction, or rather gambling addiction - gambling addiction. There are centers where specialists deal with such children.
A modern woman has many roles that we do not always manage to harmoniously combine. Therefore, when a girl is born in a family, it can be difficult to figure out in which direction to educate her. Parents want their baby to be successful in life, find her calling, and also be able to realize herself as a mother and wife. And along the way, we risk making many mistakes that will hinder her in adulthood.
A special role in the upbringing of a daughter lies with the mother, who lays down the guidelines for what a woman should be. .
Psychologist Mikhail Labkovsky gives 10 tips to mothers and grandmothers, warning them against common mistakes that could ruin their daughters' lives.
The most serious mistake which many mothers and grandmothers do when raising a daughter and, accordingly, a granddaughter, is programming her for a certain mandatory set of skills and qualities that she must possess. "You must be nice", "You must be accommodating", "You must like", "You must learn to cook", "You must..."
There is nothing wrong with the ability to cook, but the girl develops a flawed mindset: you will have value only if you meet a set of criteria. Here, a personal example will work much more effectively and without trauma for the psyche: let's cook delicious soup together. Let's get home together. Let's choose your hairstyle together. Seeing how mom does something and enjoys it, the daughter will want to learn this. And vice versa, if a mother hates some business, then no matter how much she repeats that this needs to be learned, the girl will have a subconscious rejection of the process. But in fact, everything that is needed, the girl will still learn sooner or later. When she needs it herself.
The second mistake which is often found in raising daughters is the heavy, judgmental attitude towards men and sex that is transmitted to her by her mother. “They all need one thing”, “Look, he will swear and leave”, “The main thing is not to bring it in the hem”, “You must be inaccessible.” As a result, the girl grows up with the feeling that men are aggressors and rapists, that sex is something dirty and bad that should be avoided. At the same time, her body will begin to send signals to her with age, hormones will begin to rage, and this internal contradiction between the prohibition coming from the mother and the desire coming from the inside is also very traumatic.
Third mistake , which surprisingly contrasts with the second - closer to the age of 20, the girl is told that her formula for happiness consists of "get married and give birth." And ideally - up to 25 years, otherwise it will be too late. Think about it: at first, in childhood, she was told that she should (list) in order to get married and become a mother, then for several years she was broadcast the idea that men are goats, and sex is dirt, and here again: get married and give birth. It is paradoxical, but often it is precisely such contradictory attitudes that mothers voice to their daughters. The result is a fear of relationships as such. And the risk of losing yourself, losing touch with your desires and realizing what the girl really wants is seriously increasing.
Fourth mistake - It's hyperbole. Now this is a big problem, mothers are increasingly tying their daughters to themselves and surrounded by so many prohibitions that it becomes scary. Don’t go for a walk, don’t be friends with these, call me every half an hour, where you are, why you were late for 3 minutes. Girls are not given any freedom, they are not given the right to make decisions, because these decisions may turn out to be erroneous. But it normal! At the age of 14-16, a normal teenager goes through the process of separation, he wants to decide everything himself, and (with the exception of life and health issues) he needs to be given such an opportunity. Because if a girl grows up under her mother's heel, she will establish herself in the idea that she is a second-class creature, incapable of an autonomous existence, and other people will always decide everything for her.
Fifth mistake - the formation of a negative image of the father. It does not matter whether the father is present in the family or the mother raises the child without his participation, it is unacceptable to turn the father into a demon. You can’t tell a child that his shortcomings are bad heredity on the paternal side. It is impossible to denigrate the father, whatever he may be. If he really was a "goat", then the mother should also recognize her share of responsibility for the fact that she chose this particular person as the father of her child. It was a mistake, so the parents broke up, but the responsibility for the one who took part in the conception cannot be outweighed by the girl. She's definitely not at fault here.
The sixth mistake is corporal punishment. Of course, no children should be beaten, ever, but it is worth recognizing that it hurts girls more. Psychologically, the girl quickly slides from normal self-esteem to the position of a humiliated and subordinate. And if physical punishment comes from the father - this will almost certainly lead to the fact that the girl will choose the aggressors as partners.
Seventh mistake — under-praise . The daughter should grow up, constantly hearing that she is the most beautiful, the most beloved, the most capable, the most-most. This will form a healthy, normal self-esteem. This will help the girl grow up with a sense of self-satisfaction, self-acceptance, self-love. This is the key to her happy future.
Eighth mistake - showdown with daughter . Parents should never arrange quarrels in front of children, this is simply unacceptable. Especially when it comes to the personal qualities of the mother and father, mutual accusations. The child must not see this. And if this happened, both parents should apologize and explain that they did not cope with their feelings, quarreled and already reconciled, and most importantly, the child has nothing to do with it.
The ninth mistake is the incorrect living of the girl's puberty . There are two extremes here: allow everything, so as not to lose contact, and prohibit everything, so as not to “miss out”. As they say, both are worse. The only way to overcome this difficult period for all without sacrifice is firmness and goodwill. Firmness - in upholding the boundaries of what is permitted, goodwill - in communication. For girls at this age, it is especially important that they talk a lot with them, ask questions, answer idiotic questions, share their memories. And react more calmly, and never use these conversations against the child. If this is not done now, there will never be intimacy, and the grown-up daughter will say: “I never trusted my mother.”
Finally, the last mistake is the wrong attitude to life. . Girls should never be told that her life must include certain points. Marry, give birth, lose weight, not get fat, and so on. The girl must be tuned in to self-realization, to the ability to listen to herself, to the opportunity to do what she likes, what she does, to enjoy herself, independence from other people's assessments and public opinion. Then a happy, beautiful, self-confident woman ready for a full-fledged partnership will grow up.
