There are no absolutely ideal relationships; there is always some, albeit small, but still minus. Therefore, the question arises of how, in the event of failures in relationships, men can improve the situation, that is, how to improve relations with a girl.
First, ask yourself the question, how did this happen? What did you do wrong that your relationship was in jeopardy? To do this, analyze every detail. The most important thing is to be able to be self-critical, and not to blame your beloved for all sins, they say, it’s her spoiledness, whims, character. What exactly did you start doing wrong or, on the contrary, stop doing? Having sorted everything out, it will undoubtedly be easier and calmer for you to move on.
Let's take a case where you, the men, are to blame. For example, they offended you with a word, behavior, or an unpleasant act. And if you do this often, then it’s not surprising why She moves away. So, of course, the first thing you must do is apologize more than once! And if a girl does not forgive, either you have done something very wrong, or you are asking badly. Sincerity cannot be faked. You are already her half, she feels when you are approaching the house and begins to rejoice, so saying through clenched teeth: “Forgive me” will not change anything, will not improve the relationship and will only upset the girl even more. If you really want to admit your mistake, do it from the heart and not out of favor.
Forgiveness is not enough
Surely forgiveness alone will not be enough, so give the girl all your attention. Let her know that you really regret what is happening between you and that you are afraid of losing her. But many will think that this is unmanly and this is humiliation. Forgive me, of course, but it is in your interests to return Her and establish relations with Her. This is not humiliation! This is a manifestation of feelings, this is part of the relationship, this is part of what you have been building for so long and what you should cherish!
To establish a relationship with a girl, and surprises, even the most insignificant ones, even soft small toys. Of course, you shouldn’t go to great lengths and give everything indiscriminately. Remember what your girlfriend has long wanted to buy. She constantly talked about that perfume, so present it to her!
Tell Her why you chose Her! Immerse yourself in nostalgia. What was your first date like? What did you say to each other? So tell Her about this without hesitation and more pleasant, gentle words (about that). No one else has such a smile, these sweet, sincere eyes, soft skin and gentle voice. Perhaps She knows about this, but she probably doesn’t remember, because you don’t remind her of it!
Give your beloved an evening or morning like she has never seen before! Fortunately, there are so many opportunities now that it’s simply impossible not to take advantage of them. As a last resort, write a poem or a song, it’s not as difficult as it seems.
And finally, the most important thing, when you have managed to improve your relationship with the girl and everything has returned to normal, do not forget that what you did needs to be continued, and not so that you have worked hard, been creative and you can rest.
On video from beautiful pictures wonderful and which any girl will be glad to hear are presented. As a last resort, you can make the same cut in Moviemaker and give it to your muse.
Every fairy tale should end with something good, but in real life it happens differently. Relationship cooling is an insidious beast that slowly creeps up on a happy couple, spreading its influence over them. Quarrels, conflicts, reproaches begin, and your soup is no longer as tasty as it used to be.
And now the girl begins to think about the factors that led to the cooling of the relationship, but which she tried not to notice, due to female complaisance. Any resentment, distrust and jealousy are signals that a “crack” has begun. The sooner a girl starts paying attention to these signals, the easier it will be for her to correct the situation.
A person in a state of tension and emotional pressure cannot put himself in the place of another or adequately understand what is being said to him. Every word in such a situation is perceived as a direct threat.
You need to understand where the root is, which day after day feeds your relationship with coldness and misunderstanding.
Reasons for cooling relationships
- Life experience. Often people with different life experience they cannot get along, because they look at the world from different “heights”.
- Views, tastes, priorities. All these factors that shape a person as a person also influence relationships, because each of us wants the thoughts of a loved one to coincide with ours.
- Sex. Whatever one may say, sex is the most important part of a relationship, which affects both partners. And if the girl thinks that everything is fine, this does not mean that the guy is happy.
- Needs. Each of us wants something. It is a natural and integral part of being human. But in most cases, it is difficult to understand what you want from life or from your partner, which leads to disagreements and misunderstandings.
- Confidence. The inability or unwillingness to establish strong trusting relationships can destroy all feelings to the very core.
- Psychological traumas of childhood. Childhood someday ends, and problems develop into adults and bring even more discomfort into our lives.
Armed with this knowledge, you will be able to understand what exactly influenced your relationship and you will be able to build a plan for further action.
Methods, methods and principles of building relationships
Most often, building relationships is a long and labor-intensive process, because it is always easier to destroy than to build. Therefore, before you start doing anything, you must be patient.
You need to prepare yourself in advance for the fact that you will have to give in.
There are eight “golden” components of a good and strong relationship.
Care
Every girl is future mom, and not only children, but also your entire family. Must be treated young man with understanding and attention, because absolutely every guy wants to feel surrounded by fragile female tenderness.
Harmony
A woman in the eyes of a man is, first of all, an affectionate creature who requires a reverent attitude, but not every girl behaves accordingly. The concept of “lady” has long become an overabundance of time, which creates a lot of problems in relationships. Real woman never makes scenes or hysterics, restrains himself even when it’s offensive and painful.
Self-esteem
A man would rather live alone than with a girl who constantly makes him feel inferior or stupid. Therefore, every girl should take care of a man’s pride, increase his self-esteem and never humiliate herself in his presence. Live by the principle - you best friends at a friend's place.
Respect
Every boy, big and small, demands due respect. This character trait is inherent in every man, because they are breadwinners and protectors. Do not skimp on praise if he really deserves it.
Patience
Changing a man is a very bad, impossible goal. If a girl is not ready to accept a guy for who he is, she should give up the relationship with him. Men are not ready to change, even for the sake of great love.
Sex
In the first couple of days, sex brings you both pleasure, because you simply can’t get enough of each other, but in every relationship there comes a time when you start to get tired. That’s when you have to think about how to shake up and refresh your intimate relationships.
Personal space
Every man needs personal space. Even a few hours at the computer help a man take his mind off his problems and give him the opportunity to step away from his thoughts. Girls can be offended as much as they want, but at this time the guy doesn’t even want to see his beloved. He must be left to his own devices. This gives men a feeling of freedom.
Love
We all have the right to love. Therefore, love your man, show him your feelings in every possible way and remain feminine. After all, a woman’s love should always remain tender, affectionate, but strong.
Let's build a relationship with the guy you like...
Desire alone is not enough; you need to stock up on strength and patience, because most often this is a long process.
Establishing contact with a guy you like is quite difficult. Most often, the problem is that a girl, blinded by feelings, begins to behave stupidly and even provocatively, which has the opposite effect.
In such a situation, a girl should remain herself, not overact, but simply and carefreely carry on the conversation, demonstrating ease and confidence. After all, every man wants to see an interesting, confident and optimistic lady next to him.
There is a practice of unusual dating, when a couple meets in a place that will provide them with an unforgettable experience and charge them with vivid emotions. In this case, the guy will not be able to forget you, even if he wants to. He will always associate you with something unusual.
In conversation, it is necessary to support his hobbies. If you are planning a relationship, then you should immediately determine whether you are ready to put up with certain quirks of your chosen one.
It is extremely important not to argue with guys. In the guy’s eyes, the opponent becomes an enemy object that needs to be eliminated. Better at times agree rather than stir up a quarrel.
It is easier for a positive girl to attract attention. Sour mines have long been out of fashion! Smile and people will definitely notice you.
How to make peace after a quarrel? Restoring relationships
It is extremely important to admit when you are wrong. Nobody likes stubborn people, especially when you want understanding, and your beloved pretends to be an innocent victim, even though she started the whole mess herself. Dear girls, learn to admit that you are wrong! In a man's world, this is not an act of humiliation, but a manifestation of strength, for which they will only respect you more.
Usually, men have only two reasons for a quarrel: when their freedom or self-esteem is violated.
If the quarrel occurred for the first reason, then you need to give him what he wants. If a girl gives in and gives the guy personal space, then within a few weeks she will feel how loved and appreciated. No matter how men fight for freedom, they still cannot live without the woman they love.
If the quarrel occurred because a man was insulted by a woman, then in this case the best policy would be apologies and encouragement. Such resentment lingers in a man’s head for a long time, so you need to be careful with your words.
How to restore a relationship after a breakup?
Before thinking about this question, it is worth asking yourself the question: is it worth it? If the relationship didn't work out the first time, there may have been reasons for that. Is it necessary to reopen old wounds and remember the past if everything ahead is so tempting?
If feelings still boil the blood a second time, then it is necessary to determine whether your desire to restore the relationship is mutual?
Without reciprocity, it is unlikely that anything will come of it, unless, of course, you approach this issue with special cunning. Books on the psychology of men and popular methods of seduction will help you here.
There is no need for special techniques to restore relationships by mutual consent. Try to avoid situations that caused you to break up in the past, experiment, do something new together. Each of you should feel like this is a completely new relationship.
Is it possible to make peace at a distance?
This is perhaps the most difficult topic, because it is more difficult to do everything from a distance. Constant quarrels due to mistrust, jealousy or suspicion, they lead to frequent breakups and after that the girl sits with the phone in her hand, wanting to fix everything, because only after the scandal she begins to realize that she got carried away.
The first time is to take a break from each other. Just a couple of days to catch your breath and cool down. After this, you should carefully approach the guy with a conciliatory conversation, but you should also think: is it worth continuing the relationship if you are not ready to get rid of suspicions and jealousy?
How to improve relationships after my betrayal...
The best medicine in this case is only time. Such wounds heal at a distance. A man must decide for himself whether to trust a woman. And a woman, in turn, needs to think about the motives of her action.
An apology probably won't help, but it's always worth a try. Of all the above cases, this one is perhaps the most difficult and long-term to recover, because we're talking about about trust. There is no need to put pressure on a guy with obsessive vows of eternal love and your “I will never do that again.” Men do not experience excess naivety in this matter.
Patience and only patience. Show the guy that you repent, but don’t play the victim, because it’s your fault. Show that you can be trusted. Don't trust, but believe! If there was love, it will help in reconciliation.
Zodiac sign to help
- Aries. Aries should be admired, but not overdone in this matter. Excessive pleasantries can lead to the development of selfishness.
- Calf. Taurus people demand due respect for themselves, so to be close to them, you must strive only for perfection.
- Twins. Geminis love with their ears. Compliments, encouragement and even flattery are your main weapons.
- Cancer. Cancers need to trust their beloved, after which their vulnerable nature will certainly want to satisfy all her desires.
- a lion. Only the strongest and most resilient women can withstand being around Leos. Leo's love is reserved, cold feelings.
- Virgo. Unpredictable Virgos can behave in completely different ways. Today they don’t like freedom, tomorrow they don’t like obligations.
- Scales. The calmest sign of the zodiac and, perhaps, the most proactive. If a girl seems like the one and only one to a guy, he can immediately ask her to marry him.
- Scorpion. Most often, Scorpios look closely for a long time and carefully evaluate their partner.
- Sagittarius. This zodiac sign is easy to please, but difficult to earn love. Such a man should always have a goal.
- Capricorn. We should not forget about the vulnerable soul of Capricorn, even if he is a two-meter athlete. Sex is important, but the emotional and physical parts are always separate for Capricorn.
- Aquarius. Only extremely unusual and interesting girl will win the heart of Aquarius. The mind plays a decisive role in this situation.
- Fish. The most selfish sign of the zodiac requires spectacular girls, and also presence of mind to develop serious relationships.
Mistakes of girls in this matter
Girls need to learn to be silent. In the process of establishing relationships, a guy may begin to express his point of view. In order not to inflame the conflict even more, the girl must be able to retreat from participating in a quarrel.
Resentment often makes us say angry or careless words, but we should not take everything to heart. Remind yourself often why you want to make peace and how important your lover is to you.
And it is very important to remember that it is easier for a man to find a replacement than to waste time on meaningless arguments and showdowns.
Even if you are beautiful and smart, don’t delude yourself that a guy is ready to change for you.
- Dont lie.
- Listen and most importantly hear what the guy says.
- Do not speak for him, that is, do not think up answers that the girl did not hear in time.
- Pay close attention to your partner’s mood and remain optimistic.
- Pay attention to his interests, inner world.
- Show support.
- Want him.
- Be proactive.
- Don't concentrate on the little things.
Answers to other frequently asked questions
How to reconnect with your ex-boyfriend?
Personally, a girl must decide for herself: is it necessary to restore lost relationships? Most often, in this matter, girls are guided by their feelings, and should be guided by common sense. Reconsider the reasons for your separation and try to show the young man that you are ready to avoid making previous mistakes and are determined to move only forward.
How to improve a relationship with a guy if he doesn’t want to talk?
The main thing is not to force. A man is his own boss. No guy will tolerate pressure, so the only way out is to wait until the young man himself wants to make contact. If the offense on his part is not critical and he really loves you very much, you can put a little pressure on pity.
Tatyana Efimova offers an article on the topic: “how to improve relationships with a girl after a quarrel?” with a detailed description.
Sometimes, after quarrels and disagreements, we can establish relationship very problematic. It is especially difficult for men, since girls are more emotional and demanding creatures, especially when they harbor a grudge against you. If your loved one is truly dear to you, then try to become wiser and more resourceful in relationships.
Instructions
Give
a soft toy in the shape of a plaintive baby elephant or hippopotamus. At the same time, do not forget to add that you are just as strong, but also just as defenseless in front of her. Perhaps you will also be pitied and subsequently forgiven.
Remember that your reasoning and arguments are logical, while women's are more emotional. Therefore, when talking with her, do not focus on logic, talk more about feelings, relationships, and more often remember some pleasant moments that connect you.
Give her compliments. As you know, a woman loves with her ears. Just don’t overdo it, too complex epithets can be taken as banal ridicule or she simply won’t believe you.
Give her flowers. With or without reason. The bouquet does not have to be expensive and chic, even the smallest one, accompanied
with a kind word
It can work a miracle. A bouquet that you personally collected is perfect.
Make some of her dreams or desires come true. It would be better if it was something she mentioned casually. She will understand that you listen to her, which means she is really important to you. For example, she once mentioned that she would like just such a handbag, book, bracelet. So strain your memory and try to make her wish come true.
Discuss with her even the smallest issues regarding your relationship. Show interest, carry on conversations on any topics that bother her in any way. Let's speak to her first, and then start speaking yourself. If she asks for advice, let it be advice, not moralizing. If she wants to talk about something that doesn't suit her, listen to her carefully and try not to yawn, even if you are very tired.
Play with her hair and hug her as often as possible. When hugging, hold her close to you as if it were the most precious thing you have. More touching, stroking and kissing.
If you know that the girl values her mother's opinion, and you are on good terms with her, ask her to help you. Explain how important her daughter is to you. Try to get your mother on your side. And she, in turn, will find Right words to explain to my daughter what it is like good guy and how stupid it would be to lose it.
Sources:
- attitude towards your girlfriend
How to improve your relationship with your girlfriend
Every couple goes through a period of quarrels, grinding, and dissatisfaction with each other. Ideal relationships only exist in movies and cheap romance novels. When there is a breakdown in a relationship, guys often don’t know how to improve their relationship with a girl after a quarrel. Remember our tips!
Try to analyze the situation to understand what exactly happened. To improve your relationship, guys, be self-critical and even if you are sure that nothing is to blame, take some responsibility for what happened. In any conflict of any couple there is always the fault of both.
Whatever your level of responsibility, as a man, after a quarrel you should apologize. But one word “sorry” will not be enough.
Be sincere in your repentance, and do not just work off the offense. Girls are very sensitive, they easily recognize falsehood in words.
If your relationship has broken down to such an extent that simple conversation cannot help, then you have committed a serious offense. Before asking for forgiveness, open the way to your girlfriend's heart. To make peace with a girl after a quarrel, it would be good for a guy to do this a pleasant surprise or a gift. It doesn't have to be anything significant. Sometimes a bouquet of flowers or an invitation to dinner will help. Perhaps after this, she will listen to you favorably
Deep trust and special warm feelings- signs of established quality relationships. But it also happens that these relationships become not as bright as at the beginning, or, in general, cease.
In both the first and second cases, there is a feeling of lack of air, and you want to feel the warmth of your beloved again.
Contrary to what most people think, this is not that difficult to do!
However, the process of “refreshing” a relationship and the process of getting your “ex” back are somewhat different from each other. And before you take action, you need to understand what exactly it is. Read this article to the end, and you will know exactly how to get your relationship back with a girl in both cases.
How to get your old relationship back with a girl
The main mistake guys and men make is relaxing. Or more precisely, in their belief that if female representatives started dating them, then they can do nothing and wait for the wedding.
But they forget that any relationship tends to “fade away” over time. Therefore, you need to take the right actions that will prevent them from doing this.
For now, let's talk about the TISS theory (the theory of the dark and light sides).
It lies in the fact that any woman, no matter how old or young she is, needs both “light” and “dark” emotions. With an excess of some emotions and a lack of others, an imbalance arises, which causes women to behave “strangely”.
And if this imbalance is not corrected in time, then she begins to look for another man (usually unconsciously) who will satisfy this deficiency.
Usually relationships cool down for two reasons:
- The guy feeds only the bright side of his significant other
- Both the light and dark sides need new emotions (this is the very case when relationships turn into routine: meetings and sex become the same).
So what you need to do:
- Arrange several times mind blowing dates that will show you in a new light. At the same time, they should not happen often and go in a row, because...
- We must not forget about dark emotions (indifference to the girl, flirting with other beauties right in front of her eyes, inaccessibility and even a little cruelty). When you have a killer date, cool down a little on her: call her less often and treat her like a friend (“sexual indifference”).
- Alternate light and dark emotions (also using contrasts in treatment).
- Let her suspect that you have another girlfriend. But not with the help of bare facts, but thanks to indirect signs.
Such simple actions are decisive in the strategy of how to return a relationship with a girl.
If you've already broken up
If you want to return to your previous relationship, even though the breakup has already occurred, then use a slightly different strategy.
The main difference between this strategy and the first is that you will not need to “feed” your ex with bright emotions. And also completely change your image.
More often than not, a breakup occurs because the girl didn’t like something about you. Your task is find this trait and change your image(of course, provided that you want it yourself).
You also need to show the girl that, unlike most guys, you are not only you're not worried about this, but you also spend time with other girls. If you can convey this idea to her, then she will doubt her own attractiveness, and jealousy will begin to play in her.
How to do it?
Try not to communicate with her at all for some time (about two to three weeks). Let her be bored!
When a certain amount of time has passed, arrange a meeting. Just don't be sad or talk about your past. Instead, smile, be friendly and communicate positively. And if she herself starts talking about the relationship, then say that you are grateful to her (again, with a smile on your face) and immediately change the subject. By the way, this meeting should be quite short.
Next, she should often watch you with other girls. Even if you are not an experienced ladies' man, use another opportunity (for example, ask your friend, whom your ex has never seen, for such a favor).
If you are dealing with the return of an “ex”, then your endurance comes to the fore. Because the weakness of the guys pushes them to the wrong actions and does not allow them to adhere to the right tactics.
Knowing both strategies for how to get your girlfriend back puts you head and shoulders above other guys. And if you find yourself in a similar situation in the future, you will be able to easily do this! And at the same time, you won’t make the mistakes that most guys make.
If you don’t want to risk your relationship and want to be guaranteed to get it back, then get a step-by-step strategy for getting your relationship back with templates for special letters in Danila Delichev’s courses on the website
Greetings to all! Today I want to tell you how to improve relationships with your spouse, boyfriend or girlfriend. The basis for this article was, which was supported by my readers.
I asked them to email me about their relationship problems and based on their responses, I have tried to present the most common relationship problems among couples in this article. I also based myself on my past life mistakes with my wife. From these mistakes I drew conclusions, which I will gladly share in these rules.
Rule 1 - Take responsibility
We have all heard a lot about how important it is to be able to accept responsibility in a relationship. And what catastrophes lead to the fact that partners begin to shift the blame for their actions and words onto another person or blame circumstances for everything.
But for me, accepting responsibility means not only openly admitting your guilt, but, most importantly, it means being ready to correct what happened due to your fault. People who blame their partner or someone else for their troubles, but not themselves, simply capitulate to difficulties and give up. “It’s not my fault, so I can’t do anything about it!”
But taking responsibility means coming to the conclusion: “Yes, this happened because of me, which means I can influence it!”
I understand how difficult it can be to admit to your partner that you made a mistake, that you could have done better than you did. And it is most difficult to do this in those moments when your pride is hurt. But if you don’t do this, then you will turn away from the problem and it will remain hanging, unresolved, in the space of your relationship.
It subconsciously seems to you that by admitting mistakes, you are demonstrating weakness. But in fact, by accepting responsibility, stepping over your wounded pride and self-esteem, you show real strength! Because it is much easier to blame someone else than to admit your mistake! Desire to point out real reasons problems and correcting them, even if you created these reasons - a sign of true courage and wisdom.
Where does your responsibility in a relationship begin and end? I believe that it extends much further than many of you are accustomed to think. You are responsible not only for your actions, but also for your reaction to events.
If your wife infuriated you with her unfair accusation, and you offended her in return, then not only your spouse is to blame for starting to unfairly accuse you, but also you. Your responsibility lies in the fact that you could not control yourself and led to a scandal, although you could have solved the problem more calmly. You are a free person and you are responsible for your reaction, no one can force you to get angry, irritated and lose your temper. You are the only one who loses your temper.
If your husband doesn’t want to give up his bad habits, despite your assurances, think about it: maybe you pressed him too hard, blamed him, instead of being understanding and offering a way out of the problem?
But taking responsibility does not mean blaming yourself for everything. This means coming to realize how much you and your partner can be involved in solving the problem, rather than turning your back on it. In the examples above, both partners are responsible for the problem. And believe me, if you take on part of your responsibility, rather than completely shifting it onto your partner, then it will be much easier for your partner to realize his own participation in the problem.
Agree, there is a big difference between:
“I’m so tired of you constantly blaming me for everything! You can’t live without your claims!”
“I think my mistake is that I lost my temper, I shouldn’t have shouted at you and provoked a conflict. Your accusations are probably not without foundation, but you express them in a very aggressive form, and it seems to me that they are partly unfair. Let's figure this out. I don’t need to shout, and you need to learn to express your opinion calmly.”
I'm not saying that both spouses are to blame for every conflict. What I'm trying to say is how important it is to solve every problem in a family together! After all, relationships are not only about you, they are also about the other person. And if both partners do not take an active part in the relationship, then such a relationship will collapse.
And if you and your partner cannot share responsibility for the conflict, then use good rule. Instead of arguing about who is right and who is wrong, ask yourself: “What can I personally do to improve the situation?” Believe me, if each partner is guided by this simple principle, then developing their relationships and finding a way out of problematic situations will become much easier.
Rule 2 - Don't leave conflicts unattended
I know how much I want to hug after the heat of a quarrel has passed, give my tense nerves a rest and calmly forget about what the conflict was about until the next similar one happens. Don't make this common mistake in your relationship! Yes, give yourself time, calm down, make peace, but then return to analyzing the causes of the conflict. Why did it happen? Who is responsible for it? How can you and your spouse solve this problem?
But don't get attached to the temporary excitement caused by the truce. Now you want to act, but soon your fervor will pass. So as not to give up and return to ignoring the problem. Discuss, as specifically as possible, each other's actions aimed at eliminating the conflict. When will you begin these actions? What will these actions be? What approximate timeframes do you see for overcoming the problem?
If one of you constantly loses your temper and becomes overly emotional, start doing practices that help you balance your emotions, such as yoga or.
If conflicts arise due to bad habits spouse, then find a way to help the person get rid of these habits. But let those who struggle with addiction not be left alone! Let him see understanding, love and willingness to provide any support from his partner.
Don't focus only on what you know. If you don’t know a way to solve your problem, this does not mean that such a method does not exist. If you really want to overcome some difficulty, you will find how to do it. Because he who seeks will always find! And all the obstacles are created only by laziness.
Resolve conflicts constructively instead of yelling at each other, and then hugging and forgetting everything until the next quarrel.
Rule 3 - Be less offended and forgive
Resentment in a relationship serves as a way to influence your partner: “look how bad you did, so I won’t talk to you”. Or this could be a way of revenge: “Because you did this, I will be offended by you”. The danger of resentment is the same as the danger of passionate reconciliation, after which we forget what the conflict was about. Emotions slowly subside, resentment passes: after all, we cannot be angry forever. And sometimes it seems to us that with our resentment we have already solved the problem. Or we showed our partner how offended we were, and now we think that he himself will understand everything and correct himself. Or we have endured a “preventive” period of no communication with each other, during which, as it seems to us, our relationship has restored itself and can continue further.
But this is a deceptive feeling, and it can happen not only to you, but also to your partner. Neither you nor he will want to return to a conflict that seems to have already been resolved.
But it is always better to return to the causes of the conflict, as I said in previous paragraph. If you want to influence your partner, it is always better to do this in the form of a calm, constructive dialogue rather than resentment. Well, revenge certainly won’t make your relationship better.
Some people are also offended because they unconsciously understand the absurdity of their claims, they understand that it is better not to express them directly, but to be offended and not say anything about it is just right! Avoid such games! At all Avoid any methods of manipulating your partner’s feelings, one of which is resentment.
But even if you are offended, then know how to forgive!
Rule 4 - Admit your guilt
It can be very important for your partner that you admit your guilt and are sincerely repentant. Even after the conflict has exhausted itself and you have made peace, do not be lazy to apologize, say how sorry you are if you feel your own mistake. Forget that before this you defended yourself with ardor and did not want to admit responsibility, step over your pride and say that you were wrong. But just do it with a pure heart and sincere intentions!
There is no need to do it as a favor or present it as a generous and noble act in the expectation that your partner will immediately fall on his face before your repentance. Be prepared that your apology may be met coldly and without enthusiasm. You should not react to this as if your noble gesture was not appreciated. Believe me, time will pass, and your repentance will fall like hard cash into the treasury of your relationship!
Rule 5 - Listen to others, learn to take criticism soberly
In the midst of a conflict, when partners exchange accusations and claims, no one actually listens to anyone. Each of the parties to the conflict is in a state of attack or defense, but not of perception and understanding. Our psyche is structured in such a way that we first of all try to defend ourselves from criticism, find contradictions in it, find the most convincing refutation, or respond to it with counter-criticism. The problem is that we do not always think about how it really is, we do not see the truth, obeying the ancient psychic mechanism. And we think that since it seems to us that we are right, it means that we are really right.
Try to change these habitual patterns and instead of immediately looking for another counterargument in a quarrel, think about how valid the criticism addressed to you is? Try to distract yourself from your resentment and irritation. Don't let your wounded Ego run ahead of you like a man stung by a bee.
The Ego stung by criticism makes you think: “I feel like I was wronged, I have to respond.” It prevents you from looking at the problem from another person's perspective. But if we first try to imagine how the other person sees everything, then we will become much more objective and understand our partner better, therefore, we will not react so sharply to criticism and perceive it more soberly.
Just take a time out, calm your emotions, silence the wounded pride that again and again brings you back to the grievances of your “I”. And calmly concentrate on your partner, try to mentally move into him. How does he see the situation in the context of what you know about him and your relationship history? Why is he criticizing you? What reasons does he have for this? How does he react to some of your actions, how does he feel? Does he himself allow such actions towards you? How would you feel if you were treated like this?
During this mental exercise, your Ego will, like a magnet, attract your thoughts back to itself, to the “I” position, as soon as you notice this, smoothly shift your attention to the “HE-SHE (She feels, she wants)” position. When you try this, you will understand that it is not at all easy to go beyond your Self, your desires and put yourself in the place of another person. But everything comes with experience and you can learn over time to change your egocentric perception of everything.
I can’t say that this exercise will necessarily lead you to see only your fault for what happened. No, you will simply begin to understand your partner better and perceive criticism more soberly.
Also ask yourself: How can criticism help you? Yes, exactly to help. Listening to criticism means not perceiving it as a way to undermine your dignity or lower your self-esteem. This is an opportunity to gain insight into your shortcomings, weaknesses, or understand how your partner perceives you.
Imagine that you came to see a doctor for an examination and he told you: "You have bad posture" excess weight and elevated cholesterol levels". It is not very reasonable to answer him: “Look at yourself, you’re not very slim yourself!” Of course, it would be right to listen to the doctor’s words and take advantage of his recommendations, for example, eat less fatty foods and go to the gym.
But why can't we always listen to the words of our other half, even if they relate to our character and personality? After all, we can also change it, recognize our shortcomings and get rid of them, just as we can correct problems with excess weight. Understand that criticism is not meant to remind you of your weaknesses. it gives you the opportunity to improve, to become better!
Of course, it is not always adequate. But if it doesn’t correspond to reality, what’s the point of being offended and worried? And if it is true, then even more so you should not react with retaliatory accusations! Most often there is a mixed version: criticism becomes exaggerated, intensified by emotions and resentment, embellished with speculation. And the true wisdom of relationships lies in being able to isolate from it what is really true and use it to better understand yourself. And at the same time, do not respond to empty and unfounded accusations.
I will explain everything said in this paragraph with an example from my own family life. My wife sometimes tells me: "You never listen to me", when I, once again buried in my work, let her words fall on deaf ears.
Of course, my Self does not accept such a harsh formulation: “Never!” (after all, this is not true!) and begins to defend himself. My first reaction was usually: “Yes, you’re exaggerating everything, you’re just distracting me, I can’t switch quickly when I’m working, you yourself can’t find the moments when it’s better to contact me.”. But when you try to distract yourself from your Self, a slightly different picture emerges.
Indeed, often, when my wife contacts me, I do not react, even if I am not busy with work, but just think about something ( I consider this conflict in the context of the history of the relationship in order to understand how she perceives it). Have I noticed such a reaction on her part ( does she act like that?)? When I talk to her, most often she listens to me. But if she constantly ignored my words, then I would probably be offended by it ( what if I were in her place?). And resentment causes emotions due to which she says: “You never listen!” ( what feelings does she have?) Of course, this is an exaggeration, I often listen to what she is trying to tell me. This exaggeration is due to feelings, but these feelings are understandable. I probably need to be more attentive and learn to listen to my spouse when she talks to me, and not get lost in my own thoughts. I will simply become more attentive in life if I learn to listen to her ( How will this help me become a better person?).
Rule 6 - Pay attention to the positive aspects
It just so happens that we gradually get used to the virtues of our soulmate. They become a given for us, and we mostly begin to notice the shortcomings. These shortcomings are seen especially clearly in comparison with other couples. After I had lived with my future wife for several years, I began to think that perhaps we were not suitable for each other, that we were different in many ways. I began to obsess over the differences and shortcomings, and at one time they seemed to represent the only and most significant problem.
And only a few years later I realized how much we actually have in common. And this commonality and similarity manifests itself in such basic things that you quickly get used to them, and sometimes it is difficult to discern, especially if you start thinking only about the differences and shortcomings of your partner. And the nuances, they are nuances, are to stand out against the background of general patterns, attracting attention to themselves.
People are different from each other and everyone has their shortcomings. You will not be able to find an ideal person or someone ideally similar to you. You just have to accept it.
Try not to constantly compare your partner with others. Try to think about what is good about him, how you are similar to him, instead of thinking only about the bad. Why did you love him? Maybe for understanding, for his character, for his intelligence, for those things that remain in him now, but you just stopped paying attention to them? Imagine these virtues in your mind and mentally thank the person for having them. A better words Tell your boyfriend how grateful you are for his qualities and how much you love him for it! He will be very pleased; he will see that his merits are appreciated and not ignored. Go ahead and do it today when you see it! And in general, try to praise him more often (but don’t overdo it, avoid flattery) so that he can see how dear he is to you, and that you can discern in him what he perhaps values most in himself, what he tries to maintain and develop .
Of course, it happens that your partner is practically nothing but flaws. In this case, there is no need to look for a grain of good in it in order to grab onto it. Something needs to change in the relationship here.
And remember, look positive sides in another person does not mean coming to terms with his shortcomings. Try to help him correct his shortcomings. But you don’t need to use them alone to make up the appearance of a person.
Rule 7 - Be sincere and open
There is a wonderful classic serial film by Ingmar Bergman “Scenes from a Marriage”. The film shows how insincerity, secrecy, and avoidance of “forbidden” topics can lead an apparently prosperous relationship to collapse.
Don’t bring your relationship to what the characters in this picture brought it to (divorce). Remember, there are no “taboo” topics in a relationship. If you are tormented by doubts, fears, insecurities, tell your partner about it. Tell him what you don’t like in your relationship, listen to what he experiences discomfort and displeasure. Discuss it and come to a compromise. There is no need to avoid “touchy” issues like sex, because this is also part of the relationship.
Of course, you should not try to forcefully find out all the secrets of your spouse, but rather reveal all your past secrets yourself. You also need to maintain a balance in this, just like in everything else that concerns your relationship.
Rule 8 - Develop your relationships by developing yourself!
It would be a big mistake to think that relationships will develop on their own once you start them. Relationships require constant attention and involvement of both partners.
Development implies not only strengthening the connection, for example, the decision to live together, marry, or have children, but also the personal development of each partner!
Relationships sometimes require much more from people than loneliness and separate existence. Why? Because in order for the connection between two people to be strong and harmonious, both of them will need to step over that part of themselves that can be the hardest to step over! Through your selfishness, your endless desires.
Both partners need to learn to listen to the other, find a compromise, give in and care. But not everyone has these qualities and often they need to be developed. That is why I understand the problems of many young couples, which consist in the fact that there is a strong conflict of interests between two people, one of them or each is trying to do as he wants, without listening to the wishes of the partner.
And there is nothing surprising in this, just as there is nothing surprising in the fact that a person, starting to new job, performs it with errors, since he has no experience. But relationships also require experience and certain skills. It happens that before a person had his first relationship, there were no other people with their desires for him. There were his parents who cared for him, friends who didn't demand much. And he had only his “I”, with all his desires, which he was used to satisfying without making allowances for other people. He doesn't even understand that there is another person who also wants something. And the desires of partners do not always coincide.
The ability to find a compromise and listen to another person is a skill that needs to be developed. From my reasoning, it may seem that a relationship is some kind of prison, calling a person to give up what is dear to him for his precious personality. But that's not true. The development of compassion, empathy, the ability to say “no” to thousands of “I want” actually leads to freedom. Freedom from our selfish desires, our Ego that controls us. Altruism is not strict self-restraint, it is an attempt to free oneself from anger, self-indulgence, stubbornness, and self-obsession for the sake of shared happiness. And strong relationships, on the one hand, require a person to step over his egoism, on the other hand, they are an excellent school for the development of altruism, understanding and empathy. I will return to this idea in conclusion.
Relationships discipline and strengthen the personality and through this they themselves become stronger.
Rule 9 - Don't build relationships only around sex
In our free age, after the atmosphere of puritanical morality, which placed a taboo on discussing sex and belittling its role in the lives of spouses, began to evaporate in the relationships of people around the world, people began to strive from one extreme to the other. From the extreme of prohibition and secrecy to the extreme of openness and permissiveness.
Sex has become more and more important to people. Undoubtedly, it has considerable significance in a relationship. But here, too, a balance must be maintained, without overestimating the role of sexual intimacy.
Many people see the disaster in the fact that sex is not as varied and exciting as they would like it to be. This leads them either to a breakup existing relations, or to search for a relationship on the side. But in fact, sexual pleasure is just one of the many forms of love; besides it, there are many manifestations of love!
Of course, there is nothing wrong with striving to improve quality sex life. But you can’t get hung up on it, believing that the absence of stormy and frequent sex ruins your relationship when everything else is fine. Maybe it's not the lack of daily pleasure that makes you unsatisfied? What makes you so is your irrepressible, unbridled desires, which you cannot fully satisfy, no matter how many partners you have and how often you have sex! You cannot give full play to your desires, not only because of some moral considerations, but because the more you indulge them, the hungrier, voracious and insatiable they become!
Constant sex with multiple partners will not make you happy, it will make you addicted!
The Puritan prohibitions also had their own wisdom, aimed at curbing spoilage, depravity and satiety. Although strict prohibitions are also extremes that should be avoided.
No matter how intense sex is, it is not able to bind two partners as tightly as empathy, friendship, deep understanding, care, love. To build a relationship around sex is to make it limited, weak, dependent and incomplete.
Rule 10 - Accept that you may have different interests
Your interests do not have to coincide in everything. There is no need to look for similarity in everything and suffer due to the lack of it. Today they asked me. “Nikolai, I see that your wife’s website is dedicated to esotericism, and you yourself seem to be far from mysticism. How do you find a compromise between your views and your spouse’s beliefs?”
The fact of the matter is that I cannot say that we have agreement on this issue and that we are striving for it. My wife believes in things that I don't believe in, but that's okay! Different people have different ideas and beliefs, that’s how we are made. And the art of relationships is to stop making a big deal out of it, to accept the fact that people are different.
It took me a lot of work and time to learn a little not to take the beliefs of my other half with hostility, not to argue about every issue, not to criticize them. I realized how important what she believes in is important to her and I began to respect and appreciate it. After all, it brings joy and peace of mind to the person I love.
I can’t say that we are trying hard to come to some kind of compromise, a synthesis of my views and hers with her beliefs. Despite the fact that we agree in many places, there are places where we categorically disagree with each other. But we try to just leave it as it is and calmly accept it. Why should one person change his views to please another?
If your young man, for example, sometimes plays computer games, and you consider this a useless and stupid activity, then you do not need to try to convince him every time of the nonsense he is doing, if it does not cause much harm to the family. If he allows himself to do this on rare occasions, then leave everything as it is. Respect other people's small and harmless weaknesses. And the height of your generosity and understanding would be, for example, to give him some kind of computer game, even if you think it’s a waste of money. But it will be pleasant for your young man!
Personally, it took me a lot of effort to accept even my wife’s small expenses on esotericism, which, naturally, I considered pointless. But I think I managed to get through this stage and come to the understanding that she likes it, the way she loves it, therefore, these expenses cannot be empty. And I am very glad that I managed to overcome this rejection in myself.
On the other hand, if you yourself are a young man whose spouse accuses him of devoting a couple of hours a week computer games, take it calmly. There is no need to prove to her in the heat of the moment that you are developing yourself in this way and enter into polemics and quarrels. Yes, your wife cannot understand you, but leave it as it is, do not try to come to an agreement through quarrels and insults. If you stop responding to her attacks, then sooner or later she will run out of “fuel” for accusations.
I don’t want to say at all that there is no need to strive for understanding and compromise. Try to understand how important certain things are to your spouse. But if you just can’t understand it, these things seem empty and stupid to you, just accept it and give your loved one the opportunity to enjoy them. But here you also shouldn’t take this principle to the extreme and allow your partner to engage in some completely destructive behavior, for example, drinking every day or getting involved in drugs. Everything has a limit.
Rule 11 - Know how to say no!
You should not constantly indulge the absurd demands of your spouse. If your significant other, for example, requires you to account for every step you take, outside of his or her presence, then you do not have to satisfy this desire. There is no need to feed other people's shortcomings, such as fear and paranoia. You should not think that by denying your husband or wife something deeply unpleasant to you, you will lose his love and respect. On the contrary, this way you will preserve and demonstrate your own independence, the presence of your own will and your desires.
Rule 12 - Maintain a balance between time spent together and the independence of each partner
Try not to impose yourself too much on your partner. Give him room for independence. You shouldn't try to control his every move and try to fill all your time with being close to him. I understand that this advice is difficult to adhere to for those who see the meaning of life only in their love for one person. But the annoying desire to limit someone else's freedom may meet with resistance and rejection from your partner. To avoid feeling painfully attached to your husband or wife, learn to spend time alone with yourself. After all, in a relationship there should be room for both loneliness and your personal affairs. Find something you enjoy, that brings you joy, that you can do and be passionate about when your partner is not around. Don’t reduce your whole life only to your relationships, expand the horizons of your hobbies and activities!
But at the same time, concern for one’s own independence should not develop into promiscuity and neglect of relationships. Yes, on the one hand, you shouldn’t try to spend all your time in each other’s arms, but you also shouldn’t neglect the care of the relationship and the attention that you can give to your spouse. And there is no need to endure the fact that your significant other does not pay attention to you at all. How to find balance?
Meetings should not be too infrequent if you have serious relationship, but at the same time, you don’t have to see each other every day, unless, of course, both want it. If your husband sometimes meets with friends or work partners, then there is nothing wrong with that, he should have his own life. But if this develops into everyday events after work, when he doesn’t see you anyway, then this is already going beyond the scope. In general, there cannot be precise recommendations on how not to cross a certain line between imposition and the right to independence. You need to rely on your wisdom. Remember, the devil lives in extremes!
Rule 13 - Don't play daisy
“Everything is so good with us, he is wonderful and caring, but I think my strong feelings for him have disappeared.” People often make a big problem out of the fact of lack of feelings.
Don't take weakening feelings as a symptom that there are problems in the relationship and some action needs to be taken. Don't get attached to feelings, because they are temporary and impermanent. Passion and strong love pass, such is human nature. Even when they appear in a relationship, they are not permanent: sometimes they are there, sometimes they are not, sometimes you feel some kind of surge of tenderness towards your partner, but at another moment, listening to yourself, you understand that these feelings do not exist.
If you put such an unreliable and fickle thing as feelings at the basis of your relationship, then your relationship will become just as unreliable and fickle. This is the same as building exclusively wind power plants in one country. The weather is very changeable, so the supply of electricity to cities will be very unstable.
I'm not saying that you should completely neglect emotions. You just shouldn't see them as the only criterion for your relationship. You shouldn't get attached to them. If your husband is really caring and sensitive, if everything is fine with you, then you don’t need to constantly play daisy and try to evoke feelings in yourself. This way, on the contrary, you will only attract tension and doubts, which will prevent you from discerning any emotions. Therefore, relax, enjoy the relationship, stop thinking about it, and then the feelings will come on their own, and then go away again, only to return later. After all, they are as unpredictable an element as the wind!
Or perhaps, having relaxed, you will understand that the feelings have always been there, just because of your desire for strong experiences, for unbridled passion, you have already forgotten how to distinguish softer emotions. The abundance of bright sensual colors at the beginning of a relationship can distort your vision, so that you temporarily stop seeing calm tones.
The same can apply to your expectations of your partner. Don't expect him to always be Romeo in love. His feelings are as fickle as yours. Make allowance for the fact that men, as a rule, are more restrained in expressing their feelings than women.
Rule 14 - Learn diplomacy
I am sure that many of those reading this article are faced with the problem that they would like to positively influence their partner, but they cannot. Your partner does not pay attention to you or has shortcomings that he does not want to correct, and you cannot set him on the right path. You are worried about your relationship and have a very noble desire to fix it. I think that those who are used to letting things take their course are unlikely to read about how to fix relationships. So, this is a small compliment to you.
Changing or correcting a partner is a very difficult task and not always feasible. I know this first hand. For a long time, my wife could not do absolutely anything about my laziness, indifference, violent emotions, promiscuity, irresponsibility and immaturity. Of course, I didn’t want to listen to anything, because, as it seemed to me, I myself knew everything better than anyone, and no one could be my decree. And I understand that such pride is characteristic of many people, especially men. They, to a greater extent than women, are subject to the illusion that they know everything about everything, that they are always right. They always strive to form an opinion in advance about every thing in the world, even if they don’t understand something. They do not want to accept other people's help and support, and if they do use it, it is without gratitude.
I, of course, do not generalize and do not want to say that all men behave this way. I just met more men with the qualities described than women. Yes, I used to be like that myself. And no assurances must have helped me until I myself wanted to change.
Therefore, I understand how difficult it is to explain anything to a proud person, for whom it is much more important to remain in the paradigm of his ideas and beliefs, to feel right, than to correct himself, to become better. His pride, like a wall, can reflect all sincere attempts to help. So how can you influence your partner? I think that the issue of subtle diplomacy requires a separate article, which I may publish. But I will still give some tips.
There is no need to aggressively impose on a person any truths with which he does not agree. Encourage him to try everything from his own experience, to see for himself. Create the appearance that your partner reached everything on his own, and not at your direction. Praise him and show him how much you appreciate his efforts to overcome his shortcomings.
But at the same time, do not scold for failures, encourage you to calmly try again and again. There is no need to tell him how bad he is; rather, tell him how you suffer because of his shortcomings and how you would like him to overcome them. Conduct a dialogue with him, take an interest in his successes, offer new methods. Let him at least try, and if something doesn’t work, he will have the right to quit it. Help and guide, but at the same time leave room for independence.
Rule 15 - Build relationships on trust
The more trust you show in your partner, the more difficult it will be for him to betray that trust. After all, it is much worse to lose what you have than to simply confirm existing fears and suspicions. If possible, avoid paranoia, constant checks, surveillance, and leading questions. As I wrote in the article about, such behavior does not serve to strengthen relationships, but only slowly destroys them.
While you certainly can’t trust someone who constantly deceives you, over-trusting is also bad! Be careful, don’t let any crooks turn your head and play with your feelings. If a person has betrayed your trust one or more times, draw conclusions and be vigilant!
Rule 16 - Always do more than is required of you
Often old lovers get tired of any manifestation of initiative, creativity and desire for novelty. They each get used to their own unspoken responsibilities, and do not want to do anything that goes beyond their scope.
But new positive trends in relationships, fresh initiative are always good! This brings people together, awakens dormant feelings, helps them feel care and warmth, rather than indifference and coldness. That's why give unexpected gifts and surprises, master a skill of family life that is alien to you. If you are a man, then start cooking, making this responsibility easier for your wife. If you are a woman, think of something pleasant and useful you can do to please and surprise your spouse. Be inventive and get creative.
Think about what your significant other wants, what can make his or her job easier and make him or her feel good. Here we are talking not only about making an unexpected surprise, but also about taking part in the life of your partner, stop focusing only on your life and your problems.
Rule 17 - Be willing to let go of a dead-end relationship
This article provides tips on how to build and improve your relationship. I believe that it is better to try several times to fix a potentially good relationship than to end it. My wife did not leave me five years ago, despite my inability then to think about anyone other than myself. Since then, I have changed decisively, realized my mistakes and corrected them, which also helped me write this article. But it took me a while to change, and I understand that well. Therefore, I encourage everyone to give their other half a chance, because who knows what might happen in the future from what we have now?
But here you need to maintain a balance. In general, this entire article is about balance. After all, relationships are the embodiment of compromise, and the art of leading relationships, just like , lies in the ability to balance between several extremes. Therefore, all the advice here is ambiguous, they do not tell you “do this, don’t do that”, they rather give us direction, relying on your wisdom to find a middle ground. Try to correct your partner, but at the same time do not press with all your weight. Give freedom, but at the same time do not allow relationships to be neglected. Give in, but in some situations say a clear “no.” Trying to understand other people's interests, but accepting that understanding is not always possible...
And I realize that despite the fact that in some situations it is better to fix the relationship, in other situations it is better to end it altogether. If your partner systematically behaves in ways that you do not like, despite your attempts to positively influence him. If he offends you, doesn’t manage anger well, lets himself go and doesn’t want to correct himself. If you have done everything to improve your relationship, but your efforts have led nowhere. If you constantly suffer because of other people's insults and unfair suspicions. Then it is better to think about ending such a relationship. Especially if you are still young and don't have children. Don't worry, you will find a much better partner. You don't deserve to be a martyr or work as someone's babysitter your whole life.
Conclusion - Relationships and Self-Development
The ability to maintain a relationship is determined by the personal skills of both partners: care, altruism, understanding of the other, the ability to give in and compromise. Relationships are not a market economy, in which everyone can thrive only by taking care of themselves exclusively.
I returned to this issue again because it is the most important. And most problems in relationships occur precisely because of selfishness and unwillingness to put oneself in the place of another!
Relationships do not serve to satisfy your pride, lust, selfishness, but for the harmonious coexistence and development of two people! As I wrote above, relationships will help you develop altruism and understanding, as well as many other skills. In my opinion, a long-term relationship between a man and a woman is a school for self-development and personality education! And the positive experience that you gain from life with your wife or husband, you can apply in absolutely any relationship, with subordinates or bosses, with friends or opponents, with children or pensioners. It will also serve as a reliable support for you in many life situations. After all, diplomacy, patience, and the ability to listen are the qualities that are simply necessary to achieve success in life and personal happiness.
I often meet people who have relationship problems or no relationships at all. For some of them, relationships are a series of suffering and quarrels.
Others are simply in constant search, and they just can’t find it. permanent partner: all their attempts to maintain a long-term relationship turn into failure. Still others are simply not looking for anyone, or they really doubt themselves, or they just like to be alone.
But in many cases, all these people have one thing in common: it is not only changeable fortune or a poor choice of partners that prevents them from finding family happiness. Often these people simply lack personal qualities, without which it will be difficult to maintain these relationships. These people are infantile, lack a sense of responsibility, overly demanding and harsh, or, on the contrary, extremely soft-bodied, cannot cope with their changeable emotions, do not know how to listen and understand the needs of other people, are selfish, self-contained and shy, prone to fears and anxieties. This list can be continued for a long time, but one thing is important: if a person wants a long-term relationship, then he must have some qualities.
(I'm not going to say that all single people are like this. Not at all. Some of them really like solitude and independence. They feel self-sufficient and are able to lead a harmonious life without any permanent relationships. I have nothing against it, it's everyone's personal choice .I also want to clarify that if you understand that you have strong problems in a relationship, this does not necessarily mean that the problem is rooted in your personality. It happens that the reason for this is related to your partner or external factors.
But, nevertheless, what I wrote about above happens, and often.)
This does not mean that he should have these qualities from the beginning. Every person can change for the better and love and family connection can help him in this.
I view human relationships as fertile ground for the personal development of two people united by one bond. By strengthening this relationship, you will not only make the connection with your husband or wife more reliable, but you yourself will become better and happier.
