Dynamics of experience during losses and crisis situations. Stages of grief. Five stages of grief and psychological help for the sufferer

– The death of loved ones is one of the most difficult tests in the life of each of us. This is why it is often so difficult to help a grieving person, because everyone reacts to this shock in their own way. Are there any general recommendations on how to provide moral support to someone who has experienced loss?

– Indeed, on the one hand, grief is a deeply individual, complex process. It must be borne in mind that in most cases, all experiences associated with loss, even if they are very difficult or seem strange and unacceptable, are natural forms of grief and need understanding from others. Therefore, it is necessary to treat manifestations of grief as sensitively and patiently as possible. However, it also happens that a person who has lost a loved one begins to abuse the sympathy and patience of others and, taking advantage of his position as a grieving person, tries to extract some benefit from it or allows himself to behave incorrectly, rudely. In this case, those around you are not obliged to endlessly endure the unceremoniousness of the bereaved person, much less allow him to manipulate them

On the other hand, all people are similar in some ways, so we can identify relatively universal stages that grief goes through in its course - in psychology, five such stages are distinguished. It is clear that this division is arbitrary, but it allows us to identify general patterns.

– Probably the first reaction to such an event is some kind of shock, especially if death came suddenly?

– You are right, the news of the death of a loved one is akin to a strong blow that “stuns” the bereaved. Psychologists call this stage the shock and denial. The strength of the psychological impact of loss depends on many factors, in particular, on the degree of unexpectedness of what happened, but often people have enough objective reasons to expect the death of a relative (old age, long illness, etc.), and enough time to realize situation and prepare for a possible outcome, and yet the death of a family member comes as a surprise to them.

The first reaction to the news can be very diverse: screaming, motor excitement, or, conversely, numbness. Then comes a state of psychological shock, which is characterized by a lack of full contact with the outside world and with oneself. A person does everything mechanically, like an automaton. At times it seems to him that he sees everything that is happening to him now in a nightmare. At the same time, all feelings inexplicably disappear, the person may have a frozen facial expression, expressionless and slightly delayed speech. Such “indifference” may seem strange to the bereaved person, and often offends the people around him and is perceived as selfishness. But in fact, this imaginary emotional coldness, as a rule, hides deep shock at the loss and protects a person from unbearable mental pain.

This stupor may be alternated from time to time with periods of agitation or aimless activity. A person, most often under the influence of thoughts or memories of the deceased, is overcome by waves of suffering, and he begins to sob, realizing his powerlessness, or becomes completely absorbed in mourning rituals (receiving friends, preparing for the funeral and the funeral itself). At this time, the bereaved are rarely left alone, so the most difficult days for them are the days after the funeral, when all the fuss associated with them is left behind, and the sudden emptiness makes them feel the loss more acutely.

– What is denial? Does a person not believe that all this is really happening and that his loved one really died?

– This phenomenon can occur simultaneously with shock or after it and has very diverse manifestations. In its pure form, it usually occurs in cases where the loss is unexpected, for example, if relatives died as a result of a catastrophe, natural disaster or terrorist attack. Even after rescue operations are completed, relatives may believe that their loved one is not dead, but is somewhere unconscious and unable to make contact.

The state of shock and denial of what happened sometimes take such paradoxical forms that they even make others doubt a person’s mental health. However, most often, this is a defensive reaction of the psyche, which cannot bear the blow and seeks to temporarily isolate itself from reality by creating an illusory world. Let me give you an example. The young woman died during childbirth, and her child also died. The mother of the deceased lost both her daughter and her grandson, whose birth she was looking forward to. Soon her neighbors began to observe a strange picture: an elderly woman walked down the street every day with an empty stroller. People thought she was crazy, but in this case we cannot definitely talk about mental illness. Most likely, the woman first tried to soften the terrible blow by illusorily living out the desired, but unfulfilled, scenario. This conclusion is confirmed by the fact that after some time this behavior stopped.

– Or could it be that a person understands with his mind what happened, but on a subconscious level refuses to believe it?

– Such internal discrepancy often occurs, and it can be considered as a variant of denial. The options for its manifestation can be different: people unconsciously look for the deceased with their eyes in a crowd of passers-by, talk to him, it seems to them that they hear his voice or that he is about to come out from around the corner. It happens that in everyday affairs, relatives, out of habit, proceed from the fact that the deceased person is nearby, for example, they put an extra cutlery on the table for him.

Sometimes such rejection takes the form of a cult of the deceased: his room and belongings are kept intact, as if he might soon return. All this produces a painful impression, but is a normal reaction to the pain of loss and, as a rule, passes over time as the person experiencing the loss realizes its reality and gains the mental strength to face the feelings caused by it. Then the next stage of experiencing grief begins.

- Which?

– Stage of anger and resentment. After the fact of loss is realized, the absence of the deceased is felt more and more acutely. The grieving person replays over and over again the events that preceded the death of a loved one. He tries to comprehend what happened, to find the reasons, and he has a lot of questions: “why (why) did such a misfortune befall us?”, “why did God allow him (her) to die?”, “why the doctors couldn’t help him.” save?”, “why didn’t I insist that he go to the hospital?” “why him?” There can be a huge number of such “whys”, and they pop up in the mind many times. At the same time, the grieving person does not expect an answer as such; this is also a unique form of expressing pain.

Simultaneously with the emergence of such questions, resentment and anger arise towards those who directly or indirectly contributed to the death of a loved one or did not prevent it. In this case, the accusation can be directed at fate, at God, at people: doctors, relatives, friends, colleagues of the deceased, at society as a whole, at murderers (or people directly responsible for the death of a loved one). Such a “trial” is more emotional than rational, and therefore sometimes leads to unfounded and unfair reproaches against people who are not only not guilty of what happened, but even tried to help the deceased. Thus, one elderly woman, whose husband died in the hospital, despite the efforts of the doctors and her care, reproached his neighbors in the ward for “not saving” her husband, although they called for help immediately when they saw that he got sick.

This whole complex of negative experiences - indignation, embitterment, resentment, envy or the desire for revenge - is quite natural, but it can complicate the communication of the grieving person with family and friends and even with officials or authorities. It is important to understand that this reaction usually occurs when a person feels helpless, and these feelings must be respected in order for grief to be experienced.

– How can we explain the fact that some people are angry not at others or fate, but at the dead themselves?

– Surprising as it may be at first glance, the reaction of anger can also be directed at the deceased: for leaving and causing suffering, for not writing a will, leaving behind a bunch of problems, including material ones, for that he could not escape death. For the most part, such thoughts and feelings are irrational, obvious to an outsider, and sometimes the grieving people themselves are aware of this.

In addition, the death of a loved one makes other people remember that they, too, will have to die someday. This sense of one's own mortality can cause irrational resentment of the existing order of things, and the psychological roots of this resentment often remain hidden from the person. With his indignation he expresses a protest against mortality as such.

– Probably, the most common situation is when a person who has experienced a loss scolds himself for mistakes, for not being able to save, for not saving...

– Indeed, many people suffer from remorse over the fact that they were unfair to the deceased or did not prevent his death. This state marks the transition to the next stage of grief - stages of guilt and obsessions. A person can convince himself that if it were possible to turn back time, he would definitely behave differently, replays in his imagination how everything would have been then, calls on God, promising to fix everything, if only He will give a chance to return everything back. Instead of endless “why?” no less numerous “ifs” come, sometimes acquiring an obsessive character: “If only I knew...”, “If I had called an ambulance in time...”, “What if I had not allowed them to go at such a time...”.

– What caused this “search for options”? After all, what happened cannot be changed... It turns out that the person still does not accept the loss?

Such questions and fantasies are no longer aimed at finding the “guilty” from the outside, but mainly at oneself and concern what a person could do to save his loved one. As a rule, they are the product of two internal reasons.

The first is the desire to control the events happening in life. And since a person cannot fully foresee the future, his thoughts about a possible change in what happened are often unrealistic. They are essentially not so much a rational analysis of the situation as an experience of loss and helplessness.

Another, even more powerful source of thoughts about alternative developments of events is the feeling of guilt. Moreover, the self-accusations of those grieving in many cases do not correspond to the truth: they overestimate their ability to prevent the loss and exaggerate the degree of their involvement in the death of someone they care about. It seems to me that it would not be an exaggeration to say that almost everyone who has lost a loved one, clearly or in the depths of their souls, feels to one degree or another guilt towards the deceased.

– What exactly do bereaved people blame themselves for?

There can be many reasons for this, starting from the fact that they did not prevent the departure of a loved one or directly or indirectly contributed to the death of a loved one, right up to remembering all the cases when they were wrong in relation to the deceased, treated him badly (offended, irritated, cheated on him). etc.). Many people blame themselves for not being attentive enough to a person during their lifetime, not talking about their love for him, not asking for forgiveness for something.

This can also include specific forms of guilt, for example, the so-called survivor's guilt - the feeling that you should have died instead of your loved one, the guilt only for continuing to live while a loved one died. Some people experience guilt associated with a sense of relief that a loved one has died. In this case, you need to let them know that relief is a natural and expected feeling, especially if the deceased suffered before death.

In later stages of bereavement, another type of guilt often arises. – “guilt of joy,” that is, guilt about the feeling of happiness that reappears after the death of a loved one. But joy is a natural, healthy experience in life, and we should try to recapture it.

Some people, some time after a loss, worry that the image of the deceased and memories of him fade in their consciousness, as if relegated to the background. Anxiety is also caused by the fact that, in the opinion of the person himself (and often those around him, for example, relatives), such a state indicates that his love for the deceased is not strong enough.

– So far we have discussed feelings of guilt, which are a normal reaction to loss. But it often turns out that the feeling of guilt takes on a chronic form. How can you tell when it becomes unhealthy?

Any persistent feeling of guilt towards the deceased should not be classified as a pathology. The fact is that long-term guilt can be different: existential and neurotic. The first is caused by real mistakes, when a person really did something “wrong” in relation to the deceased or, on the contrary, did not do something important for him. Such guilt, even if it persists for a long time, is absolutely normal, healthy and speaks more about the moral maturity of a person than about the fact that there is something wrong with him.

Neurotic guilt, on the contrary, is “hung” from the outside either by the deceased himself, while still alive (with statements like “You’ll drive me into a coffin with your behavior”), or by others (“Well, are you satisfied? Have you made it? Have you left the world?”) and then translated man into the inner plane. Dependent relationships with the deceased, as well as chronic feelings of guilt that formed even before the death of a loved one, greatly contribute to the formation of such guilt.

The idealization of the deceased can contribute to an increase and maintenance of feelings of guilt. Any close human relationship is not without disagreements and conflicts, since we are all people with our own weaknesses and shortcomings. However, in the mind of the grieving person, his own shortcomings are often exaggerated, and the shortcomings of the deceased are ignored, which only exacerbates the suffering of the grieving person. Although suffering itself constitutes the next stage, it is also called stage of depression.

– It turns out that suffering is not in the first place? Does this mean that at first it is not there, and then it suddenly appears out of nowhere?

- Not certainly in that way. The point is that at a certain stage suffering reaches its peak and overshadows all other experiences.

This is the period of maximum mental pain, which can even be felt physically. Suffering is often accompanied by crying, especially when remembering the deceased, the past life together and the circumstances of his death. Some grievers become especially sensitive and may cry at any moment. Another reason for tears is a feeling of loneliness, abandonment, self-pity. At the same time, longing for the deceased does not necessarily manifest itself in crying; suffering can be driven deep inside and find expression in depression. In general, the experience of deep grief almost always contains elements of depression. A person feels helpless, lost, empty, lives mainly in memories, but understands that the past cannot be returned. The present seems unbearable to him, and the future unthinkable without the deceased. The goals and meaning of life are lost, sometimes to the point that it seems to the person shocked by the loss that his own life is now also over.

– What signs can be used to determine that a grieving person is depressed?

The general condition is often characterized by depression, apathy, and hopelessness. A person moves away from family, friends, avoids social activity; There may be complaints about a lack of energy, a feeling of weakness and exhaustion, and an inability to concentrate. Also, a suffering person is prone to sudden bouts of crying and may try to drown out his pain with alcohol or even drugs. Depression can also manifest itself on a physical level: in sleep and appetite disturbances, sudden weight loss or, conversely, weight gain; Even chronic pain may occur.

Paradoxically, despite the unbearability of suffering, those grieving can cling to it as an opportunity to maintain a connection with the deceased, to prove their love for him. The internal logic in this case is something like this: to stop grieving means to calm down, to calm down means to forget, and to forget = to betray. As a result, a person continues to suffer in order to thereby maintain loyalty to the deceased and a spiritual connection with him. Some cultural barriers also contribute to this, for example, the common idea that the duration of grief is a measure of our love for the deceased. Similar barriers can probably arise from outside. For example, if a person feels that his family expects him to grieve for a long time, he may continue to grieve to reaffirm his love for the deceased. This can be a serious obstacle to accepting the loss.

– Perhaps acceptance of loss is the final stage of grief? What is she like?

– You are absolutely right, this is the last stage – stage of acceptance and reorganization. No matter how difficult and prolonged grief may be, in the end a person, as a rule, comes to emotional acceptance of the loss. At the same time, the connection between times is, as it were, restored: a person gradually stops living in the past, the ability to fully live in the surrounding reality and look to the future with hope returns to him.

A person restores temporarily lost social connections and makes new ones. Interest in meaningful activities returns. In other words, life regains its lost value, and often new meanings are also discovered. Existing plans for the future are being restructured and new goals are emerging. Thus, a reorganization of life occurs.

These changes, of course, do not mean oblivion of the deceased. It simply takes a certain place in a person’s heart and ceases to be the focus of his life. At the same time, the survivor naturally continues to remember the deceased and even draws strength and finds support in the memory of him. In a person’s soul, instead of intense grief, there remains a quiet sadness, which can be replaced by a light, bright sadness.

I want to emphasize once again that the stages of experiencing loss that I have listed are only a generalized model, and in real life, grief occurs very individually, albeit in line with a certain general trend. And just as individually we come to accept loss.

– Could you give an example from practice to more clearly demonstrate the change in these stages of grief?

– For example, you can tell about the case of a girl who turned to psychologists for help because of her experiences related to the death of her father. It came as a doubly hard blow because it was suicide. The girl’s first reaction to this tragic event was, in her words, horror in the complete absence of other feelings. This is probably how the first, shock, stage was expressed. Later, anger and resentment towards the father came: “How could he do this to us?”, which corresponds to the second stage of experiencing loss. Then the anger gave way to “relief that he is no longer there,” which led to the emergence of feelings of guilt and, thereby, the transition to the third stage of grief. The girl blamed herself for quarreling with her father, not loving and respecting her enough, and not supporting her in difficult times. In addition, she was worried about the lost opportunity to communicate with her father, to better know and understand him as a person. To her. it took quite a long time and help to accept the loss, but ultimately she was able not only to come to terms with the past, but also to come to terms with herself, and change her attitude towards her present and future life. It is in this that a full-fledged experience of grief and genuine acceptance of loss is manifested: a person not only “returns to life,” but at the same time he himself changes internally, reaches another stage, perhaps a higher level of his earthly existence, begins to live a somewhat new life .

– You said that this girl had to resort to the help of a psychologist. How can you tell if your reaction to loss is normal or if you need to see a specialist?

– In a number of cases, indeed, the experience of loss goes beyond the conventional limits of the norm and becomes complicated. Grief can be considered complicated when it is inadequate in strength (it is experienced too hard), in duration (it is experienced for too long or is interrupted) or in the form of experience (it turns out to be destructive for the person himself or for others). Of course, it is very difficult to clearly establish the boundary where normal grief ends and complicated grief begins. But in life this issue often has to be resolved, so the following approach can be offered as a guideline: if grief seriously interferes with the life of the grieving person or the people around him, if it leads to serious health problems or threatens the lives of the grieving person or other people, then grief follows considered complicated. In this case, you need to think about seeking professional help (psychological, psychotherapeutic, medical).

– How can complicated grief manifest itself at each stage of loss?

– Here we can take as a basis such a criterion as duration: the normal process of experiencing loss is disrupted if a person is “stuck” for a long time, fixed at a certain stage. In addition, complicated grief has qualitative differences within each stage. For example, at the shock stage, diametrically opposed reactions are possible: a critical decrease in activity up to a state of stupor, the inability to perform even the simplest, habitual actions, or, on the contrary, rash decisions and impulsive actions that are fraught with negative consequences.

Complicated forms of loss denial are characterized by the fact that a person, even at a conscious level, stubbornly refuses to believe that his loved one has died. Moreover, even personal presence at the funeral does not help to acknowledge the reality of the loss. Even crazy ideas can arise on this basis. For example, one woman did not acknowledge the fact of her father's death for 40 years. She claimed that during the funeral he moved and breathed, that is, he did not die, but was pretending.

At the stage of anger and resentment, a complicated form of reaction to loss is, first of all, strong anger, up to hatred of other people, accompanied by aggressive impulses and expressed in the form of various violent actions, including murder. Moreover, aggression can be directed at random people who have nothing to do with what happened. Thus, a veteran of the war in Chechnya, having returned to peaceful life, even after many years could not come to terms with the death of his guys. At the same time, he was angry at the whole world and at all people “for the fact that they can live and be happy as if nothing had happened.”

At the stage of guilt and obsessions, the complicated experience of loss is expressed in a severe feeling of neurotic guilt, which pushes a person to somehow punish himself or even commit suicide. A person feels he has no right to live as before and, as it were, sacrifices himself. However, this sacrifice turns out to be meaningless and even harmful. An example is the case of a girl who lost her father, who was the closest person to her. She blamed herself for not caring enough about him during his life, while he did everything he could for her. She believed that she should have been in his place, that she had no right to live further, she saw no prospects in life: “I have no right to live, what prospects could there be?”

At the stage of suffering and depression, the complicated forms of these experiences reach such a degree that they completely unsettle the grieving person. His own life seems to stop; experts talk about symptoms such as continuous thoughts of worthlessness and hopelessness; thoughts about death or suicide; persistent inability to perform daily activities; uncontrollable crying, slow responses and physical reactions; extreme weight loss.

Complicated grief, corresponding in form to clinical depression, sometimes leads to a downright disastrous outcome. A good example of this is the so-called death from grief. If childless spouses live together all their lives and one of them is not adapted to life without the other, the death of the husband or wife can be a real disaster and end in the imminent death of the surviving spouse.

– How can we help a person truly accept a loss and come to terms with it?

– The process of experiencing loss, which has entered the completion stage, can lead to different results. One option is the consolation that comes to people whose relatives died long and hard. Other, more universal options are humility and acceptance. However, this is not the same thing. Passive humility seems to send a signal: this is the end, nothing can be done. And accepting what happened makes it easier, pacifies and ennobles our existence: this is not the end; it is just the end of the current order of things.

People who believe in reunification with their loved ones after death tend to come to acceptance more quickly. Religious people are less afraid of death, which means they experience grief somewhat differently than atheists, they go through all these stages more easily, they are comforted faster, they accept the loss and look into the future with faith and hope.

This may seem blasphemous to some, but the loss of a loved one often becomes the impetus for changes for the better in the soul of the grieving person. Loss forces us to honor loved ones who have passed on, and also teaches us to appreciate the remaining loved ones and life in general. In addition, grief teaches compassion. People who have suffered loss are usually more sensitive to the feelings of others and often feel a desire to help them. Many grief survivors discover true values, become less materialistic, and become more focused on life and spirituality.

Ultimately, death reminds us of the impermanence of life, and therefore makes us appreciate every moment of existence even more.

This is life and we cannot change its rules; sooner or later our companions will leave our lives.

The process of grief in literary sources (Vasilyuk, 2002) is often called the work of grief. This is, in fact, a lot of internal work, a huge mental labor of processing tragic events. So, grieving is a natural process necessary to let go of a loss or mourn a death. Conventionally, “normal” grief and “pathological” grief are distinguished. Help from a psychologist in case of loss...

Stages of “normal” grief. “Normal” grief is characterized by the development of experiences in several stages with a complex of symptoms and reactions characteristic of each.

A picture of acute grief similar for different people. The normal course of grief is characterized by periodic attacks of physical suffering, spasms in the throat, attacks of suffocation with rapid breathing, a constant need to sigh, a feeling of emptiness in the stomach, loss of muscle strength and intense subjective suffering, described as tension or mental pain, absorption in the image of the deceased. The stage of acute grief lasts about 4 months, conditionally including 4 of the stages described below.

The duration of each stage is quite difficult to describe, due to their possible reciprocity throughout the entire process of grief.

1. Shock stage. Tragic news causes horror, emotional stupor, detachment from everything that is happening, or, conversely, an internal explosion. The world may seem unreal: time in the perception of the grieving person may speed up or stop, space may narrow.

A feeling of unreality of what is happening, mental numbness, insensibility, and deafness appears in a person’s consciousness. The perception of external reality becomes dulled, and then in the future, gaps often arise in the memories of this period.

The most pronounced features are: constant sighs, complaints of loss of strength and exhaustion, lack of appetite; Some changes in consciousness may be observed - a slight feeling of unreality, a feeling of increasing emotional distance from others (“how can they smile, talk, go shopping when death exists and it is so close”).

Typically, a complex of shock reactions is interpreted as a defensive denial of the fact or meaning of death, protecting the griever from confronting the loss in its entirety at once.

2. Denial (search) stage characterized by disbelief in the reality of the loss. A person convinces himself and others that “everything will change for the better,” that “the doctors were mistaken,” that “he will be back soon,” etc. What is characteristic here is not the denial of the fact of loss itself, but the denial of the fact of the permanence of the loss.

At this time, it can be difficult for a person to maintain his attention in the outside world; reality is perceived as if through a transparent veil, through which the sensations of the presence of the deceased often break through: a face in the crowd that looks like a loved one, the doorbell rings, the thought flashes: it’s him. Such visions are quite natural, frightening, and are taken as signs of impending madness.

Consciousness does not allow the thought of someone’s death, it avoids pain that threatens destruction, and does not want to believe that its own life must now also change. During this period, life resembles a bad dream, and a person desperately tries to “wake up” to make sure that everything remains as before.

Denial is a natural defense mechanism that maintains the illusion that the world will change according to our yes and no, or better yet, remain the same. But gradually the consciousness begins to accept the reality of the loss and its pain - as if the previously empty inner space begins to be filled with emotions.

3. Aggression stage which is expressed in the form of indignation, aggressiveness and hostility towards others, blaming oneself, relatives or friends, the treating doctor for the death of a loved one, etc.

Being at this stage of a confrontation with death, a person can threaten the “guilty” or, conversely, engage in self-flagellation, feeling guilty about what happened.

A person who has suffered a loss tries to find in the events preceding death evidence that he did not do everything he could for the deceased (he gave medicine at the wrong time, let someone go, was not there, etc.). He blames himself for inattention and exaggerates the significance of his slightest mistakes. Feelings of guilt may be aggravated by the situation of conflict before death.

The picture of experiences is significantly complemented by reactions from the clinical spectrum. Here are some of the possible experiences of this period:

Sleep changes.
Panic fear.
Changes in appetite accompanied by significant weight loss or gain.
Periods of unexplained crying.
Fatigue and general weakness.
Muscle tremors.
Sudden mood changes.
Inability to concentrate and/or remember.
Changes in sexual desire/activity.
Lack of motivation.
Physical symptoms of suffering.
Increased need to talk about the deceased.
Strong desire to be alone.

The range of emotions experienced at this time is also quite wide; the person experiences the loss acutely and has poor self-control. However, no matter how unbearable the feelings of guilt, feelings of injustice and the impossibility of further existence may be, all this is a natural process of experiencing loss. When anger finds its way out and the intensity of emotions decreases, the next stage begins.

4. Stage of depression(suffering, disorganization) - melancholy, loneliness, withdrawal into oneself and deep immersion in the truth of loss.

It is at this stage that most of the work of grief occurs, because a person faced with death has the opportunity, through depression and pain, to look for the meaning of what happened, rethink the value of his own life, and gradually let go of the relationship with the deceased, forgiving him and himself.

This is the period of greatest suffering, acute mental pain. Many difficult, sometimes strange and frightening feelings and thoughts appear. These are feelings of emptiness and meaninglessness, despair, a feeling of abandonment, loneliness, anger, guilt, fear and anxiety, helplessness. Typical are extraordinary preoccupation with the image of the deceased and his idealization - emphasizing extraordinary virtues, avoiding memories of bad traits and actions.

Memory, as if on purpose, hides all the unpleasant moments of a relationship, reproducing only the most wonderful ones, idealizing the departed, thereby intensifying painful experiences. Often people suddenly begin to realize how happy they really were and how much they did not appreciate it.

Grief also leaves its mark on relationships with others. Here there may be a loss of warmth, irritability, and a desire to retire.

Daily activities change. It can be difficult for a person to concentrate on what he is doing, it is difficult to complete the task, and complexly organized activities may become completely inaccessible for some time. Sometimes an unconscious identification with the deceased arises, manifested in involuntary imitation of his gait, gestures, and facial expressions.

In the phase of acute grief, the mourner discovers that thousands and thousands of little things are connected in his life with the deceased (“he bought this book”, “he liked this view from the window”, “we watched this film together”) and each of them captivates his consciousness in “there-and-then”, into the depths of the stream of the past, and he has to go through pain in order to return to the surface (Vasilyuk, 2002).

This is an extremely important point in grieving productively. Our perception of another person, especially a loved one with whom we have been connected by many life connections, his image, is saturated with unfinished joint affairs, unrealized plans, unforgiven grievances, unfulfilled promises. Working with these connecting threads is the meaning of the work of grief in restructuring the attitude towards the deceased.

Paradoxically, pain is caused by the grieving person himself: phenomenologically, in an attack of acute grief, it is not the deceased who leaves us, but we ourselves leave him, break away from him, or push him away from ourselves. And this self-made separation, this own departure, this expulsion of the beloved: “Go away, I want to get rid of you...” and watching how his image actually moves away, transforms and disappears, and causes, in fact, spiritual pain. The pain of acute grief is not only the pain of decay, destruction and death, but also the pain of the birth of a new one. The formerly divided existence is united here by memory, the connection of times is restored, and pain gradually disappears (Vasilyuk, 2002).

The previous stages were associated with resistance to death, and the accompanying emotions were mainly destructive.

5.Stage of accepting what happened. In literary sources (see J. Teitelbaum. F. Vasilyuk) this stage is divided into two:

5.1. Stage of residual shocks and reorganization.

At this phase, life returns to its groove, sleep, appetite, and professional activity are restored, and the deceased ceases to be the main focus of life.

The experience of grief now occurs in the form of first frequent, and then increasingly rare individual tremors, such as occur after the main earthquake. Such residual attacks of grief can be as acute as in the previous phase, and against the backdrop of normal existence they can be subjectively perceived as even more acute. The reason for them is most often some dates, traditional events (“New Year for the first time without him,” “spring for the first time without him,” “birthday”) or events of everyday life (“offended, there is no one to complain to,” “in his name the mail has arrived").

This stage, as a rule, lasts for a year: during this time, almost all ordinary life events occur and then begin to repeat themselves. The anniversary of death is the last date in this series. Perhaps this is why most cultures and religions set aside one year for mourning.

During this period, loss gradually enters life. Man has to cope with many new problems associated with material and social changes, and these practical problems are intertwined with the experience itself. He very often compares his actions with the moral standards of the deceased, with his expectations, with “what he would say.” But gradually more and more memories appear, freed from pain, guilt, resentment, abandonment.

5.2.The “completion” stage. The normal experience of grief that we are describing enters its final phase after about a year. Here, the griever sometimes has to overcome some cultural barriers that make the act of completion difficult (for example, the idea that the duration of grief is a measure of love for the deceased).

The meaning and task of grief in this phase is to ensure that the image of the deceased takes its permanent place in the family and personal history, family and personal memory of the grieving person, as a bright image that evokes only bright sadness.

The duration of the grief reaction is obviously determined by how successfully a person carries out the work of grief, that is, comes out of a state of extreme dependence on the deceased, re-adapts to the environment in which the lost person is no longer present, and forms new relationships.

The intensity of communication with the deceased before death is of great importance for the course of the grief reaction.

Moreover, such communication does not have to be based on affection. The death of a person who has aroused intense hostility, especially hostility that has no outlet because of his position or the demands of loyalty, can produce a strong reaction of grief in which the hostile impulses are most prominent.

Often, if a person dies who played a key role in some social system (in a family, a man played the roles of father, breadwinner, husband, friend, protector, etc.), his death leads to the disintegration of this system and to drastic changes in the life and social status of its members. In these cases, adaptation is a very difficult task.

One of the biggest obstacles to the normal functioning of grief is the often unconscious desire of the griever to avoid the intense suffering associated with the experience of grief and to avoid expressing the emotions associated with it. In these cases, you get “stuck” at any of the stages and painful grief reactions may occur.

Painful reactions of grief. Painful grief reactions are distortions of the “normal” grieving process.

Delay of reaction. If bereavement finds a person while solving some very important problems or if it is necessary for moral support of others, he may have little or no notice of his grief for a week or even much longer.

In extreme cases, this delay can last for years, as evidenced by cases where recently bereaved people are overwhelmed by grief over people who died many years ago.

Distorted reactions. May appear as superficial manifestations of unresolved grief reactions. The following types of such reactions are distinguished:

1. Increased activity without a feeling of loss, but rather with a feeling of good health and a taste for life (the person behaves as if nothing had happened), can manifest itself in a tendency to engage in activities close to what the deceased was once doing.

2. The appearance of symptoms of the deceased’s last illness in the grieving person.

3. Psychosomatic conditions, which primarily include ulcerative colitis, rheumatoid arthritis and asthma.

4. Social isolation, pathological avoidance of communication with friends and relatives.

5. Fierce hostility against certain persons (doctor); when expressing one's feelings sharply, almost never any action is taken against the accused.

6. Hidden hostility. Feelings become as if “numb”, and behavior becomes formal.

From the diary: “...I perform all my social functions, but it’s like a game: it doesn’t really affect me.

I am unable to experience any warm feeling. If I had any feelings, it would be anger at everyone.

7. Loss of forms of social activity. A person cannot decide on any activity. Lack of determination and initiative. Only ordinary everyday things are done, and they are carried out in a formulaic and literal step-by-step manner, each of which requires great effort from a person and is devoid of any interest for him.

8. Social activity to the detriment of one’s own economic and social status. Such people give away their property with inappropriate generosity, easily indulge in financial adventures and end up without family, friends, social status or money. This extended self-punishment is not associated with a conscious feeling of guilt.

9. Agitated depression with tension, agitation, insomnia, with a feeling of unworthiness, harsh self-recrimination and a clear need for punishment. People in this condition may attempt suicide.

The painful reactions described above are an extreme expression or distortion of normal reactions.

Flowing into each other in an increasing manner, these distorted reactions significantly prolong and aggravate grief and the subsequent “recovery” of the grieving person. With adequate and timely intervention, they can be corrected and can transform into normal reactions, and then find their resolution.

One of the types of pathological grief is grief reactions to separation, which can be observed in people who have not suffered the death of a loved one, but only separation from him, associated, for example, with the conscription of a son, brother or husband into the army.

The general picture that arises in this case is considered as a syndrome of anticipatory grief (E. Lindemann).

There are cases when people were so afraid of the news of the death of a loved one that in their experiences they went through all stages of grief, right up to complete recovery and internal liberation from their loved one. These kinds of reactions may well protect a person from the shock of unexpected news of death, but they also interfere with the restoration of relationships with the returning person. These situations cannot be regarded as betrayal on the part of those waiting, but upon return, a lot of work is required on both sides to build a new relationship or relationship at a new level.

Tasks of grief work. Passing through certain stages of experience, grief performs a number of tasks (according to G. Whited):

1. Accept the reality of loss, not only with your mind, but also with your feelings.

2. Experience the pain of loss. Pain is released only through pain, which means that the unexperienced pain of loss will sooner or later still manifest itself in some symptoms, in particular psychosomatic ones.

3.Create a new identity, that is, find your place in a world in which there are already losses. This means that a person must reconsider his relationship with the deceased, find a new form and a new place for them within himself.

4. Transfer energy from loss to other aspects of life. During grief, a person is absorbed by the deceased: it seems to him that forgetting about him or stopping grieving is tantamount to betrayal. In fact, the opportunity to let go of his grief gives a person a feeling of renewal, spiritual transformation, and the experience of connection with his own life.

A person must accept the pain of loss. He must reconsider his relationship with the deceased and recognize changes in his own emotional reactions.

His fear of going crazy, his fear of unexpected changes in his feelings, especially the appearance of a sharply increased feeling of hostility - all this must be processed. He must find an acceptable form of his further attitude towards the deceased. He must express his feelings of guilt and find people around him from whom he can take an example in his behavior.

Life after loss. A person’s emotional experience changes and is enriched during the development of personality as a result of experiencing crisis periods in life and empathy for the mental states of other people. Especially in this series are the experiences of the death of a loved one.

Experiences of this nature can lead to an explanation of one’s own life, a rethinking of the value of being, etc. ultimately, recognition of wisdom and deep meaning in everything that happens. From this point of view, death can give us not only suffering, but also a fuller sense of our own life; give the experience of unity and connection with the world, turn a person to yourself.

A person comes to understand that with the death of a loved one, his own life has not completely lost its meaning - it continues to have its value and remains just as meaningful and important, despite the loss. A person can forgive himself, let go of resentment, accept responsibility for his life, courage for its continuation - he returns to himself.

Even the most severe loss contains the possibility of gain (Bakanova, 1998). By accepting the existence of loss, suffering, and grief in their lives, people become able to more fully experience themselves as an integral part of the universe, and live their own lives more fully.

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A person constantly loses something in his life - things, time, opportunities, relationships, people. There is probably not a single day when something is not lost. Or perhaps not a single hour or even a minute. Loss is a normal part of human life and, accordingly, there must be some kind of “normal” emotional reaction to loss.

Psychologist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross was one of the first to study such an emotional reaction to bereavement. She observed the reactions of terminally ill patients to their diagnosis and identified five stages of experience:

1. Denial. The person cannot believe his diagnosis.

2. Aggression. Complaints against doctors, anger at healthy people.

3. Bidding. Bargaining with fate, “Oh, if only I…”.

4. Depression. Despair, loss of interest in life.

5. Acceptance. “I didn’t live in vain and now I can die...”

Later, this model was transferred to the experience of any losses, including the smallest ones. The passage of these five (six) stages is considered the “norm” of experiencing loss. The speed at which they pass depends on the severity of the loss and the level of “maturity” of the individual. The lighter the losses, the faster they are experienced. The “norm” for the most severe losses (for example, the loss of a loved one) is no more than a year or two. On the contrary, a deviation from the norm can be considered a failure to go through these stages, or getting stuck at any of them.

Some psychologists also supplemented this model with a sixth stage – “Development”.

In this case, when a person experiences a loss, he goes through certain stages, as a result of which his personality gains the potential for development and becomes more mature. Or these stages may not be completed (stuck at a certain stage), and personality development, on the contrary, has slowed down. Therefore, with this addition, any loss can be viewed from a positive perspective - it is potential for development. Without losing anything, a person cannot develop (similar to the thesis of Soviet psychology “personality develops in conflict”). In the direction of Transactional Analysis psychotherapy, it is customary to depict this model through a “loss loop,” which clearly shows a person’s upward movement through the passage of a “loss loop.” Then, a person whose cycle of experiencing loss is disrupted is not only unable to experience them and suffers because of this, but his personality development as such is blocked. Then, the psychologist’s particular task will be to help in experiencing loss, and the general task will be to restore the cycle of going through losses as such (therefore, often with a focal advisory request for help, grief experiences come to the psychotherapeutic request of removing blocks and prohibitions in the emotional sphere).

The same model can be represented as a sequence of emotions that are experienced at each stage:

1. fear;

2. anger;

3. wine;

4. sadness;

5. acceptance;

6. hope.

This makes it more convenient to explain the psychological function of each stage. Normally, a person experiences a sequence of these emotions during any loss.

1. Stage of Fear.

Fear is a protective emotion. It helps to anticipate and assess threats, prepare to meet them (or escape from them). People whose experience of fear is underdeveloped or completely blocked are unable to adequately assess threats and prepare for them. It is absolutely logical that nature placed the stage of fear first in the cycle of experiencing loss - after all, this is where the threat to future life from this loss is assessed and the search for resources to survive it occurs. Accordingly, the greatest difficulties in experiencing this stage arise in people with an impaired ability to experience fear. In this case, the person reacts to the loss with one or another level of denial (from a neurotic feeling that nothing really happened to a psychotic complete non-recognition of the loss that has occurred). Also, instead of the forbidden true emotion of fear, scenario (racketeering, blackmail - transactional analysis terminology) emotions may arise at this stage. The task of the psychologist, when “stuck” at this stage, is to help in experiencing the fear of loss. In a consultative manner, this is a search and filling with resources that will help you live without the object of loss (it is highly not recommended to “break denial”, as, for example, inexperienced specialists “like” to do in the case of addictions - the addict therefore denies his addiction problem, because that he does not have the resources to live without her). In a psychotherapeutic vein (at all other stages it is similar, so I will skip its description for other stages) - work with blackmail emotions, access to children's prohibitions of fear and insufficiently resourced parental figures (the child did not receive enough empathy and protection in response to his emotions of fear). As self-help, you can write an essay “How can I live without ... (object of loss)!”, enter into an agreement with yourself to take care of yourself, and plan a search for supportive and “protective” resources.

2. Stage of Anger.

Anger is an emotion aimed at changing the world (situation). From this point of view, following the stage of anger after the stage of fear is again completely logical. The previous stage involved an assessment of the threat and a search for resources. At this stage, an attempt is made to change the situation in one’s favor. Indeed, in many situations, before it is too late, loss can be prevented by active actions (for example, catching up with a pickpocket when stealing a wallet), and it is anger that helps take them. In addition, if fear helped to assess the level of threat to oneself, then anger helps to assess what is unacceptable in the very situation that causes the loss. People with the forbidden emotion of anger may have problems passing this stage. Instead of experiencing natural anger, such people can become stuck in aggression, claims and accusations, as well as in a feeling of powerlessness and injustice. In addition, instead of experiencing true anger, blackmail emotions may appear. As at the stage of fear, the task of the psychologist in this case is to help in the experience of anger and the transition to the next stage of experiencing loss. In a consultative manner, this means removing cultural prohibitions on anger (for example, you can’t be angry that a person has died), searching for unacceptable moments in a situation, and finding resources for experiencing anger towards them. Self-help: “Letter of anger” (what I didn’t like in the situation, what makes me angry, what is unacceptable for me, etc. - it is important not to turn into accusations and aggression), “Letter of forgiveness.”

3. Stage of Guilt.

Guilt is an emotion that helps you look for mistakes in your behavior and correct them. At this stage, guilt helps a person evaluate what could have been done differently and:

1.) either correct your behavior in time;

2.) or draw conclusions for the future for similar situations.

A person with an inability to adequately experience guilt can “get stuck” at this stage in self-accusations, self-flagellation and other auto-aggressive emotions. The principle of work of a psychologist here is similar to work at other stages. Here it is also important to teach a person to distinguish between the position of responsibility (“I am responsible for correcting/accepting my mistakes”) and guilt (“I must be punished for my mistakes”).

Self-help: analysis of your mistakes, “Letter of anger to yourself” (what I didn’t like in my behavior, it’s important not to turn into auto-aggression), “Letter of forgiveness for yourself”, contract for new behavior in similar situations in the future.

4. Stage of Sadness.

Sadness serves the function of breaking emotional ties with the object of attachment. When experiencing problems with sadness, a person is unable to “let go” of the loss and “gets stuck” in “depressive” emotions. Features of the psychologist’s work at this stage: to show the “restorative” function of sad emotions. Self-help: analysis of the “+” of what was lost (how good it was with this/him/her), “Letter of gratitude” (where one remembers and expresses gratitude for all the good things that happened before with the object of loss, and which one will now have to live without) .

5. Acceptance Stage.

Acceptance performs the function of restoration and search for resources for life without the object of loss. At the end of this stage, an emotional point is made: “Yes, I can live without...!” Features of the psychologist's work: expanding time perspectives (translation from the past and present to the future), searching for resources and replacing the object of loss. Self-help: “Letter of support to myself” (how I will live and support myself without the object of loss).

6. Hope.

Hope is the emotion of development and striving forward. At this stage, the situation of loss is transferred to a situation of resource. There is an understanding that in this loss there were actually gains that can be used in the future. The task of the psychologist: assistance in finding acquisitions in a situation of loss, how these resources can be used in the future. Self-help: analysis of gains in a situation of loss, “Letter of gratitude to loss,” setting goals for the future.

A few more words about the work of a psychologist with the experience of loss. Although this is a well-known and common topic in the work of psychologists, there are points that are rarely mentioned and many psychologists miss these points. In the case of any true emotion that is forbidden (as mentioned above), a person can experience a blackmail emotion instead. So, for example, if the blackmail emotion of true anger is guilt (the child was taught to feel guilty for his anger), then at the second stage, instead of anger, a feeling of guilt will be activated. In this case, the psychologist may make a mistake and take this stage for the third and provide assistance in experiencing guilt, which, in the end, will be ineffective. While here what is needed is work not on experiencing guilt, but on removing it, then unblocking anger and helping in experiencing it (anger). The same principle applies to other stages: understanding is important, a person does not have enough resources to experience true emotions at this stage, or we are dealing with blackmail emotions. True emotions must be helped to be experienced (in the best traditions of therapy), while scenario ones must be “removed” and the true ones lying behind them must be revealed.

I would also like to remind you once again that there are not only large losses, but also small ones every day. And a person may be unable to experience them as well. The result is a negative emotional background and blocked emotional development. In this case, the psychologist’s work will be to increase a person’s emotional literacy and culture (or, as it is fashionable to say today, emotional intelligence): explaining the functions of emotions, working through cultural prohibitions, working with the system of emotional racketeering and children’s prohibitions, etc.

And finally, the slogan: appreciate losses, only through them do we gain!

Comprehend, work through and let go of childhood psychological trauma.

Master effective methods of forgiveness and self-acceptance, getting rid of the emotional burden of the past.

By improving your well-being, you will become much happier and more successful.

Improve (or restore) relationships with loved ones.

Get a huge boost of energy to solve other personal problems.

Hello, dear readers! Death is an integral part of our life. Of course, it is impossible to be prepared for the loss of a loved one. Such events are always accompanied by strong feelings. Today I would like to look at the stages of grief after the death of a loved one and tell you what features are found at each stage before a person finally comes to terms with the loss.

Live through all stages

Losing family and friends is always very difficult. We cannot be prepared for such events, and after all, each person experiences it differently. This is individual and too personal. But according to the psychology of grief and grief, there are several stages that a person goes through when faced with loss.

Some distinguish 4 stages, others divide into 5 or 7. In my opinion, the number into which this period can be divided is completely unimportant. A general understanding of the grieving process is important.

Let's look at these stages, understand what a person is going through at a certain moment, how we can help and support him at this moment, and what will await him next.

Negation

A close encounter with death leaves a person in shock. He doesn’t believe what happened, doesn’t admit it to himself, his consciousness and subconscious deny this terrible reality, in which there is no longer a loved one.

At this moment, a person may experience memory loss. All the days are mixed into a single whole and it is difficult to remember where you put a certain thing or the last time you ate something. Sometimes the first stage is accompanied by disorganization, some things are constantly lost. And, of course, it happens that a person behaves in a completely unusual way.

It is very important to go through the denial phase and ultimately accept the fact of the loss. This period most often does not last very long. But right now it’s better not to leave him alone, to support him and be there. Of course, most often he will not hear words of regret, but the presence of a loved one nearby helps a lot.

Resentment, rage, anger

Here we are talking about a sense of justice. The person will hate everything. Everything happens wrong, all the people around are doing wrong, no one can do everything right, and so on.

Sometimes the rage can spread to the loved one he has lost. “How dare you leave me.” This period is very emotional and is often said to be the most painful. Emotions and feelings come out, the storm can hit with such force that there is not enough air in the lungs.

The person has inappropriate reactions, loses his temper easily or cries constantly. Again, each person experiences the stages of grief differently.

Guilt

At this stage, it seems that you have paid so little attention to your loved one. Didn't say something, didn't do something. Very often, at this moment, people go far into the past, replay various events in their heads, and remember the moments spent together with the person.

The last stage is acceptance

Of course, returning to your old life will be difficult. But over time, the strength of emotions passes, feelings subside. This is where it's really important to really go further. Learn to find a replacement for what was previously given by the person who left our lives.
The person gradually returns to his usual rhythm, begins to laugh, rejoice and move on with his life. Here we can also talk about adaptation and creating a new rhythm of life.

Sometimes it happens that a person falls into pathological grief. This happens for various reasons. Perhaps he was unable to attend the funeral or a loved one went missing and there is no accurate information about him.

So, he adopts the habits and manners of the person who has passed away. Sometimes he exhibits similar illnesses. The room or apartment of the deceased remains unchanged. This period can drag on for a long time and only a psychologist can help in this situation.

I want to bring to your attention two articles that will help you better understand what to do, how to help a loved one in a similar situation, or how to talk with a child about such a difficult topic: “” and “”.

It is extremely important to go through all the stages, not get stuck in any of them, and in the end come to full acceptance and learn to move on with your life. It is impossible to be prepared for the loss of a loved one. Even when we have to see a relative's serious illness, we still can never be prepared for death.

It is especially difficult for parents who bury their children. After all, it is extremely unfair when young people leave before us.

The person is very strong and is able to cope with any situation. And if you don’t have the strength to act on your own, you should always ask your family for help or go to a psychologist. The main thing is not to be silent and not to keep everything to yourself.

Have there been losses in your life? How did you live it? Who helped you and was there in difficult times? What helped you come to your senses and where did you find the strength to move on?

If you have any questions or need help, feel free to write to me and together we will decide what to do in your situation.
Goodbye!

— Indeed, on the one hand, grief is a deeply individual, complex process. It must be borne in mind that in most cases, all experiences associated with loss, even if they are very difficult or seem strange and unacceptable, are natural forms of grief and need understanding from others. Therefore, it is necessary to treat manifestations of grief as sensitively and patiently as possible. However, it also happens that a person who has lost a loved one begins to abuse the sympathy and patience of others and, taking advantage of his position as a grieving person, tries to extract some benefit from it or allows himself to behave incorrectly, rudely. In this case, those around you are not obliged to endlessly endure the unceremoniousness of the bereaved person, much less allow him to manipulate them

— Probably the first reaction to such an event is some kind of shock, especially if death came suddenly?

— You are right, the news of the death of a loved one is akin to a strong blow that “stuns” the bereaved. Psychologists call this stage the shock and denial. The strength of the psychological impact of loss depends on many factors, in particular, on the degree of unexpectedness of what happened, but often people have enough objective reasons to expect the death of a relative (old age, long illness, etc.), and enough time to realize situation and prepare for a possible outcome, and yet the death of a family member comes as a surprise to them.

- What is denial? Does a person not believe that all this is really happening and that his loved one really died?

- This phenomenon can occur simultaneously with shock or after it and has very diverse manifestations. In its pure form, it usually occurs in cases where the loss is unexpected, for example, if relatives died as a result of a catastrophe, natural disaster or terrorist attack. Even after rescue operations are completed, relatives may believe that their loved one is not dead, but is somewhere unconscious and unable to make contact.

- Or could it be that with his mind a person understands what happened, but on a subconscious level refuses to believe it?

— Such internal discrepancy often occurs, and it can be considered as a variant of denial. The options for its manifestation can be different: people unconsciously look for the deceased with their eyes in a crowd of passers-by, talk to him, it seems to them that they hear his voice or that he is about to come out from around the corner. It happens that in everyday affairs, relatives, out of habit, proceed from the fact that the deceased person is nearby, for example, they put an extra cutlery on the table for him.

- Which?

— Stage of anger and resentment. After the fact of loss is realized, the absence of the deceased is felt more and more acutely. The grieving person replays over and over again the events that preceded the death of a loved one. He tries to comprehend what happened, to find the reasons, and he has a lot of questions: “why (why) did such a misfortune befall us?”, “why did God allow him (her) to die?”, “why the doctors couldn’t help him.” save?”, “why didn’t I insist that he go to the hospital?” “why him?” There can be a huge number of such “whys”, and they pop up in the mind many times. At the same time, the grieving person does not expect an answer as such; this is also a unique form of expressing pain.

This whole complex of negative experiences - indignation, anger, resentment, envy or the desire for revenge - is quite natural, but can complicate the communication of the grieving person with family and friends and even with officials or authorities. It is important to understand that this reaction usually occurs when a person feels helpless, and these feelings must be respected in order for grief to be experienced.

— How can we explain the fact that some people are angry not at others or fate, but at the dead themselves?

— Surprising as it may be at first glance, the reaction of anger can also be directed at the deceased: for leaving and causing suffering, for not writing a will, leaving behind a bunch of problems, including material ones, for that he could not escape death. For the most part, such thoughts and feelings are irrational, obvious to an outsider, and sometimes the grieving people themselves are aware of this.

— Probably, the most common situation is when a person who has experienced a loss scolds himself for mistakes, for not being able to save, for not saving...

“Indeed, many people suffer from remorse over the fact that they were unfair to the deceased or did not prevent his death. This state marks the transition to the next stage of grief - stages of guilt and obsessions. A person can convince himself that if it were possible to turn back time, he would definitely behave differently, replays in his imagination how everything would have been then, calls on God, promising to fix everything, if only He will give a chance to return everything back. Instead of endless “why?” no less numerous “ifs” come, sometimes acquiring an obsessive character: “If only I knew...”, “If I had called an ambulance in time...”, “What if I had not allowed them to go at such a time...”.

— What caused this “search for options”? After all, what happened cannot be changed... It turns out that the person still does not accept the loss?

— What exactly do bereaved people blame themselves for?

In later stages of bereavement, another type of guilt often arises. — “guilt of joy,” that is, guilt about the feeling of happiness that reappears after the death of a loved one. But joy is a natural, healthy experience in life, and we should try to recapture it.

— So far we have discussed the feeling of guilt, which is a normal reaction to loss. But it often turns out that the feeling of guilt takes on a chronic form. How can you tell when it becomes unhealthy?

— It turns out that suffering is not in the first place? Does this mean that at first it is not there, and then it suddenly appears out of nowhere?

- Not certainly in that way. The point is that at a certain stage suffering reaches its peak and overshadows all other experiences.

— By what signs can you determine that a grieving person is depressed?

— Perhaps acceptance of loss is the final stage of grief? What is she like?

- You are absolutely right, this is the last stage — stage of acceptance and reorganization. No matter how difficult and prolonged grief may be, in the end a person, as a rule, comes to emotional acceptance of the loss. At the same time, the connection between times is, as it were, restored: a person gradually stops living in the past, the ability to fully live in the surrounding reality and look to the future with hope returns to him.

— Could you give an example from practice to more clearly demonstrate the change in these stages of experiencing grief?

“For example, you can tell about the case of a girl who turned to psychologists for help because of her experiences related to the death of her father. It came as a doubly hard blow because it was suicide. The girl’s first reaction to this tragic event was, in her words, horror in the complete absence of other feelings. This is probably how the first, shock, stage was expressed. Later, anger and resentment towards the father came: “How could he do this to us?”, which corresponds to the second stage of experiencing loss. Then the anger gave way to “relief that he is no longer there,” which led to the emergence of feelings of guilt and, thereby, the transition to the third stage of grief. The girl blamed herself for quarreling with her father, not loving and respecting her enough, and not supporting her in difficult times. In addition, she was worried about the lost opportunity to communicate with her father, to better know and understand him as a person. To her. it took quite a long time and help to accept the loss, but ultimately she was able not only to come to terms with the past, but also to come to terms with herself, and change her attitude towards her present and future life. It is in this that a full-fledged experience of grief and genuine acceptance of loss is manifested: a person not only “returns to life,” but at the same time he himself changes internally, reaches another stage, perhaps a higher level of his earthly existence, begins to live a somewhat new life .

— You said that this girl had to resort to the help of a psychologist. How can you tell if your reaction to loss is normal or if you need to see a specialist?

— In a number of cases, indeed, the experience of loss goes beyond the conventional limits of the norm and becomes complicated. Grief can be considered complicated when it is inadequate in strength (it is experienced too hard), in duration (it is experienced for too long or is interrupted) or in the form of experience (it turns out to be destructive for the person himself or for others). Of course, it is very difficult to clearly establish the boundary where normal grief ends and complicated grief begins. But in life this issue often has to be resolved, so the following approach can be offered as a guideline: if grief seriously interferes with the life of the grieving person or the people around him, if it leads to serious health problems or threatens the lives of the grieving person or other people, then grief follows considered complicated. In this case, you need to think about seeking professional help (psychological, psychotherapeutic, medical).

— How can complicated grief manifest itself at each stage of the experience of loss?

— Here we can take as a basis such a criterion as duration: the normal process of experiencing loss is disrupted if a person is “stuck” for a long time, fixed at a certain stage. In addition, complicated grief has qualitative differences within each stage. For example, at the shock stage, diametrically opposed reactions are possible: a critical decrease in activity up to a state of stupor, the inability to perform even the simplest, habitual actions, or, on the contrary, rash decisions and impulsive actions that are fraught with negative consequences.

— How can we help a person truly accept a loss and come to terms with it?

— The process of experiencing loss, which has entered the completion stage, can lead to different results. One option is the consolation that comes to people whose relatives have died long and hard. Other, more universal options are humility and acceptance. However, this is not the same thing. Passive humility seems to send a signal: this is the end, nothing can be done. And accepting what happened makes it easier, pacifies and ennobles our existence: this is not the end; it is just the end of the current order of things.

Ultimately, death reminds us of the impermanence of life, and therefore makes us appreciate every moment of existence even more.