Or how not to break a love boat in everyday life.
Many couples are afraid of getting bogged down in everyday life. The female half is especially afraid of this. I'm not an exception.
My husband and I have been living together for 3 years. Maybe for some this is a completely insignificant figure, but for me it is a long period of time in which everything happened. Including purely domestic quarrels. But thanks to this experience, I have learned some of the subtleties of running a joint household, which I will be happy to share with you.
No. 1. It is better to resolve all money issues immediately. Will there be a total budget in “one piggy bank” or separate envelopes? It may turn out that when they received the bill for the apartment, both thought that someone would pay, but in the end no one paid. Or, given the general budget, he thought that he would take money from the piggy bank for a gym membership, and she thought that this money would go towards her new boots. Solving money issues openly and talking about money is quite normal. You shouldn’t be ashamed of this and let it go by itself with the words “ we'll figure it out somehow" There is no need to hide the size of your salaries from each other. Your soul mate is not a tax official :) Everything should be honest and open. Once you have discussed all the nuances, you will always be sure that you will not have any financial misunderstandings or grievances.
№2.
Talk and discuss. Thoughts, plans, events. The more people in a couple talk, the easier it is for them to understand each other. Otherwise, you know how it happens, she waited for her mother for a whole month, and he only found out about it when his mother-in-law knocked on the door. Build common goals and plans- a very important component of a harmonious union. Dream about where you will go this year and what you need to do to make your dream come true, plan to buy an apartment or build a house yourself. This brings us very close and creates one strong union out of two different people - a ship that, despite the waves, sails to the desired shores. You can make general plans for a month, a year, five years. It is especially pleasant to do this while sitting in some cozy cafe. Thanks to one such gathering, you will understand each other more and try harder for such a wonderful pronoun as “ We».
№3.
And a little more about the plans. Plan shared time together and in advance. So that it doesn’t turn out that tomorrow after work he’s finally going to put his documents in order, and she’s already ready to go shopping downtown) Your joint affairs should not come as a surprise to your other half.
№4.
Do not violate personal space. His laptop is his laptop. Her diary is her diary. Such personal items should be treated with care and not mismanaged. Do not move it to other places, do not read what is written inside. If you need to use his laptop, ask permission. Such a small formality shows great respect.
No. 5. But most things in your home will still be shared. And if you're buying yogurt in hopes of having it for breakfast before work tomorrow morning, be ready that you won’t find it on the shelf in the refrigerator where you left it yesterday. The refrigerator is shared, and the food in it is also shared;) And you won’t be the only one who will want yogurt in the morning.
No. 6. There is no need to build hopes that living in the same territory, everything will be done together. Lie down and watch movies together, cook together, brush your teeth together and follow each other's tails. Naturally, there will be films and joint ventures, but not always. Sometimes he or she wants to take a break from everything, read a book or surf the Internet. It’s normal that even when living together, you can be alone with yourself. This is the value of such a concept as “home”. Also, do not react painfully if you are left at home alone. After you have moved in together, each of you has not lost friends and seeing them and paying attention to them is normal. You should not make such walks reasons for quarrels and insults. It’s better to take care of yourself and your business at this time.
No. 7. It's great when they help you. When I'm tired and my husband is preparing dinner or when he's at work and I take his jacket to the studio. Mutual assistance and mutual assistance- important components of family life. In general, I believe that, if possible, we should make life easier for our loved one. And most importantly, don't expect thanks. You do it because you want to.
No. 8. Don’t expect that the person will suddenly change dramatically after you start living together. For the better. FOR YOUR SAKE. I'll be disappointed that this won't happen. A person can change himself, of his own free will, but not according to your desire. Therefore, you should not blame him for things left on the bed if he has always put them on the bed for the past 25 years. And it doesn’t matter that you now have a large dressing room.
No. 9. Our family is not the family of our parents. It’s foolish to hope that if your dad pickles cucumbers every season, then your husband will do the same. Or if his mother prepares a breakfast of three or more dishes, then the wife should do the same. At first something surprises me and I want to say: “ But my mother never did that!», « and my dad never slept in the evenings, why do you sleep after work?!" Or maybe everyone in his family sleeps after work and, on the contrary, he is surprised by the lack of this tradition in you. This is a big adjustment, but if you initially treat this with the understanding that this is another person, not from your family, who grew up in a different atmosphere and with different rules and traditions, then life becomes easier.
No. 10. You may have different interests and hobbies. You may like different music and different genres of films. Terrible? No, quite normal. Most importantly, don't ridicule or discount each other's interests by calling it "nonsense," "a waste of time," or "lack of taste." You are different and you need to understand this. But you are together because you love each other, which means you accept different interests. I'm not advocating going fishing together if the smell of fish makes you sick, but you can at least embrace this hobby as an activity that gives happiness your boyfriend, and sometimes show interest in his hobby, even verbally. And common hobbies and favorite films together will come with time. Sooner or later you will develop a common taste.
No. 11. Many people believe that living together can be completely relaxing. Go unkempt? And who sees me? Got a stain on your clothes? It's okay, I'm home! You must always remember that the person most important to you is looking at you at the moment. And is he or she really worthy of seeing an unkempt appearance, untidy socks or dirty feet? Although our home is our fortress, even in a fortress we should not let ourselves go in all 4 directions. Although some call it trust (I trust her, so I can be myself and if I have an itch somewhere, scratch it immediately), for me it is simply disrespect. Of course, it is not necessary to go to evening dresses and suits, but you can follow basic rules of hygiene, cleanliness and etiquette. It's so simple!
No. 12. I think it will be easier for the family if everyone has their own responsibilities. One washes the dishes after dinner, takes out the trash, the other irons the clothes and makes the bed. Usually, this is developed over time and it is really easier to build a life this way. But I don’t see anything wrong with replacing each other. With separate responsibilities, there is no need to express your “ fi" and declare " you should do this, not me" But I don’t recommend being a hero either. Initially, all the girls want to show themselves as brilliant housewives and put the entire household on their fragile shoulders. And after 10 years, for some reason they are surprised that her husband is lying on the sofa when she does not let go of the rag, having time to deal with small children. If you see that your loved one cannot / does not have time to complete some household chore, do it yourself. There is nothing criminal about this. But taking on all the responsibilities on oneself is not the best thing. best idea. Share ;)
№13.
It has been scientifically proven that people living together are happier not based on the number of hours spent together, but from the emotions received while spending time together. Therefore, it is worth thinking about how to diversify your leisure time. Maybe go for an evening jog together or change the environment, go out of town on weekends, for picnics. You can buy interesting board games or try to fill out a creative notebook together. Play table tennis or computer games. Open new places in the city and so on. There are a lot of ideas, you just need to be more puzzled by it :)
No. 14. Don't forget about the pleasures. Coming home from work with a small gift in the form of a chocolate bar or some interesting trinket will show your other half that you always remember about her and always want to please her. Slipping a note or candy into your jacket pocket is a small sign of attention and love in terms of costs, but of great moral value. Have a festive dinner with delicious treats on an ordinary day. Why not?)) Don't forget to pamper, delight and surprise each other. Then no terrible and terrible “everyday life” will threaten you)
Cohabitation, also known as cohabitation, is gaining popularity among residents of big cities every year. Living together without officially registering a relationship has its pros and cons. It can be considered as a rehearsal family life, gaining experience, testing feelings or the most convenient option for a relationship. Among couples in which both the man and the woman have already been spouses, civil marriage- This is a kind of symbol of calm. He becomes conscious choice two, familiar with the intricacies of family life. What about girls who decide to live with a guy for the first time? What to expect from a new experience, and what pitfalls will you encounter along the way? Let's share our experience.
Underwater rocks
The first months will be especially difficult: you get to know the person anew. Say goodbye to the idealized image and get ready to accept the person as he is, without romantic embellishments.
Flaws
Your boyfriend is not perfect. It is not difficult to guess this even before life together, but it will be possible to determine the scale of imperfection only in the conditions of merciless everyday life. Get ready for special difficulties if the young man previously lived with his mother. The guy spoiled in the family is used to everything in the house being done without his participation: a plate left on the table is washed by itself, socks scattered in the corners are washed by themselves, and food appears by itself.
Young people who have tasted the delights of living separately are more prepared for living together. Every bachelor knows how to serve himself at a primitive level. With a successful combination of circumstances, he reveals talents for cooking, cleaning and washing. At first, everyday little things will haunt you at every step: splashes of paste on the mirror, the floor in the hallway trampled by dirty shoes, crumbs in the kitchen, and maybe even in bed. Who's lucky! Do not despair. You can fight bad addictions, the main thing is not to confuse them with innate character traits.
Disadvantages can also be found in a guy’s habits. For example, a loud sneeze that sounds like thunder from an orchestra pit, causing the whole house to tremble along with you. Some voiceless men love to sing in the bathroom early in the morning, disturbing the sensitive sleep of their lady. Patience, you have a long time to work together.
Finance
In most cases, concerns arise from two nuances:
the girl earns more than the guy,
The guy's salary is higher than the girl's.
You need to choose a convenient budget option based on the ideas of both partners:
General budget - all money is put into one “pile”, expenses are discussed in advance. The wishes of both partners are taken into account. If a girl bought a handbag this month, then next month the guy will buy a console. No sexual privileges unless discussed in advance. For example, guys spend on cosmetical tools They have less money than girls, that’s their advantage. While the female representative is replenishing her supplies of lipstick, mascara and blush, the young man is saving money to buy a laptop. But here’s the problem: a girl can also dream of an expensive purchase, which she will not see in this situation. How to be? Explain to a man that cosmetics are essential items: they give him a beautiful appearance, he has the opportunity to enjoy his lovely partner.
Partially, the total budget is the amount for paying for the apartment and general household expenses. It is divided equally. The couple disposes of the remaining money at their own discretion.
One of the partners takes full responsibility for housing and household expenses. More often it turns out to be a man, but there are also business ladies who are ready. If a girl is financially dependent on her roommate, as a rule, she takes care of all the household chores.
Couples starting to live together have difficulty managing expenses. To solve this issue, calculate your budget. At first, keeping track of purchases will provide invaluable help and save you from unnecessary quarrels.
Responsibilities
There is one destructive stereotype in the minds of the vast majority of men: housekeeping is a purely female affair. This arrangement is justified only in one case: when all financial obligations lie with the guy. If both people work in a couple, then household chores are divided between two people.
In the very first weeks of their life together, girls commit one fatal mistake: they try to play the role of an ideal housewife. What is the danger?
You will not have enough strength to cope with the suddenly overwhelming responsibilities. Even an experienced housewife needs an assistant, what can we say about a girl taking her first steps in life together? Everyday life will exhaust you and squeeze out all your vital juices.
The guy will get used to it and sit on his neck. If you don't teach young man If you help with the housework right away, you won’t be able to do it later. He will get used to the position of “master” and will not want to part with it.
Traditionally, men are entrusted with taking out the trash, washing dishes, and the simple part of cleaning, but in each couple the division of responsibilities is individual. Some cohabitants actively practice complete equality: everyone cooks for themselves, cleans up after themselves, and washes their own things.
Personal space
At first, partners think that spending 24 hours a day together is a dream and true happiness. After a couple of days/weeks, young people realize that they cannot do it. The desire for solitude is a natural desire that must not only be respected, but also done everything to fulfill it. Let each partner choose their own territory for the rest period. It's good if these are different rooms. And if not? For some, a computer desk, for others, a sofa and TV. Hobbies are also a sphere of personal interests that should not be interfered with without a good reason. But don't go to extremes. Organize your time so that you can be together and relax separately.
Sex
Until a girl and a guy live together, sex in 90% of cases is planned. This especially affects female representatives. The realization that today the girl will be alone with the guy and spend a stormy night with him is a psychological prelude.
While living together, sex becomes spontaneous and at the same time obligatory. It is difficult for a girl to switch to an intimate mood after a working day and household duties. Sex loses its brightness. On especially difficult days (and there will be many of these in the first months), sexual intimacy can also cause a feeling of disgust. Guys are not immune to this situation either. In conditions of living together, the physiological characteristics of partners are also revealed: one wants sex every day, the other wants sex every three days.
Worldview
Each person is brought up and grows in individual conditions, has a subjective experience and a system of views on the world. Conflicts can be different: an atheist and a believer, a democrat and a monarchist, a Slavophile and a Westerner. But if global philosophical and political issues can be bypassed, then what to do with everyday problems? The girl is a vegetarian, and the guy is a meat eater. The situation is not simple. But even in it you will have to look for a compromise that will resolve the issue of cooking, smells and aesthetic tastes.
Prejudice
During their life together, young people will have to face personal prejudices and false ideas about civil marriage wandering among others.
Already married
Girls think that living together is forever. In a couple of months or years, the guy will propose, they will get married, have children and live together until old age. Alas, reality is different from dreams. and tend to disintegrate.
Still free
For a man, cohabitation is a ghost of freedom. You can always leave if something goes wrong.
Not serious
Civil marriage is considered to be. It's right. But cohabitation is an effective test that helps you make the right decision. Young people realize whether they are ready for marriage and starting a family or not. This saves you from tragic mistakes common among hasty newlyweds.
He won't marry
This stereotype is based on the idea of a man as a lustful animal, hungry for sex. Yes, some guys derive one-sided benefits from cohabitation, but you shouldn’t judge all men by them.
Cradle of debauchery
Intimate relationships outside of marriage are still condemned among inveterate guardians of morality who grew up during the USSR. But young people do not share such ideas. Despite this, on a subconscious level, young people can feel shame and actively fight against the prejudices embedded by the older generation.
When solving difficulties, remember that it is impossible to change another person to suit you. But becoming a victim and putting an unbearable burden on your shoulders is also not worth it. The purpose of grinding is to make living together comfortable. Over time, you will adapt to new roles and conditions and find a common rhythm and common ground.
April 13, 2014, 11:23
Why does everything change when common life appears? The same habits cause completely different emotions: “he doesn’t love me,” “she doesn’t respect me,” “he does this to spite me,” “she doesn’t try for me.” What does our behavior in everyday life indicate?
Tights under the bed, a sweater on the chair, a coat on the closet door, a bag under the kitchen table... She never knows what is where. Constantly loses keys, gloves, phones. I haven't heard of covers for documents. Money in all pockets. My requests to put everything in its place remain... my requests. Is it really that difficult? Then she herself cannot find anything. How can you lose your hat? Well, how?! I don't understand. And I no longer want to be a secretary, a cleaner and an archivist at the same time. I'm tired of organizing her life. It's a thankless job. Unpromising and endless.
He became unbearable. His constant nagging irritates me. Either the dust on the closet interferes with his life, then a stain on his shirt, noticeable only to him, haunts him, then the jars in the pantry are not organized by date... It can drive you crazy! What difference does it make to him how my things are in the closet? They are mine! What's his business? He washes the floors himself, because, you see, I have a different idea about clean floors! He spends half a day on this. I can’t stand it and leave home at this time. His endless homemade kefir and yoghurts are either fermented or under-fermented... I can’t take it anymore. Half your life is spent fighting dust and establishing order where no one will see it. I'm tired.
Household mutual intolerance
Often it is our common everyday life that reveals new facets of each other to us. And it’s very difficult when these facets do not resonate in the soul of another person.
How good it was to live separately, meeting only occasionally and enjoying every moment spent together. Everything was simple and clear. Strange habits seemed like nice traits and were forgiven immediately.
Why does everything change when common life appears? The same habits cause completely different emotions: “he doesn’t love me,” “she doesn’t respect me,” “he does this to spite me,” “she doesn’t try for me.”
Our views on housekeeping and organizing everyday life may turn out to be diametrically opposed. Every day we come across another world again and again, and this collision often causes negative feelings in both one and the other partner.
Every day, irritation accumulates, spilling out one day into a big quarrel. Such moments undermine the strongest relationships, depriving them of any perspective. Misunderstanding in small things little by little distances us from each other, breaking one by one the threads that connect the two together. In the end, we complain that “the boat of love has crashed into everyday life” or “we are just too different,” and we give up, suffer, but say goodbye to the relationship.
Why do people so different in their habits initially find each other? What does our behavior in everyday life indicate? Is there a chance to overcome everyday “incompatibility” and save the relationship? Let's figure it out with the help of System-Vector Psychology by Yuri Burlan.
Fortune telling based on family dynamics, or what socks say
The everyday habits of each of us are the same manifestation of our innate psychological properties, like the choice of profession or outlook on family life.
Behavior in everyday life is one of the facets of our character, but the most natural, since at home, in a familiar environment, on our own territory, we behave at ease and show ourselves as who we are.
This means that everyday habits can serve as an excellent guide for determining the vector set of any person. And this, in turn, forms a holistic idea of your partner’s personality.
For example, the notorious scattered socks are often combined with business trips, multiple jobs, a short memory for events not related to work, the ability to derive benefit from everything, and so on. All this indicates the presence, the properties of which manifest themselves in everything from food preferences to sexual fantasies.
Understanding the essence of the skin vector determines completely A New Look at your partner. Do you realize that logical thinking and the subconscious desire to save money in everything does not allow him to spend the whole day on general cleaning in the apartment. This is a manifestation of the innate properties of the psyche, and not a desire to annoy you.
The leather worker scatters his things not because he does not like cleanliness and order, but because this is not a priority for him. It is much more important for him to answer an important call than to carry his jacket to the closet.
The skin's love for novelty manifests itself in frequent business trips, changes in places of work, residence, new acquaintances and impressions. A systematically savvy wife will never miss the opportunity to go on a trip with her husband, and will certainly make the factor of novelty her strong point in intimate relationships.
A passion for order, special attention to detail and the need to bring all his undertakings to completion are inherent in a person with. His comments or even criticism are caused by subconscious perfectionism, and not by annoying pickiness or a desire to humiliate you (unless, of course, he experiences frustration). He is sure that everyone around him, just like him, should want everything to be perfect. And it doesn’t matter to him how much time and effort it takes. Cleaning without washing windows is not cleaning, and washing without changing bed linen is not washing.
Personal order is when all his things are at hand. Anal order is when all his things are in their places.
The analytical mind of a person with an anal vector automatically systematizes any objects - by purpose, shape, size, frequency of use or date of manufacture. For such an owner, every screw in his bottomless garage is in its place in a separate box on the corresponding shelf. And an unevenly hung picture causes discomfort.
The priority is adherence to traditions, devotion to family, purity, truth, which gives rise to swan loyalty. Consistency in everything and conviction that one is right provide the basis for responsibility for the family. A systematically thinking wife will never openly enter into conflict or argue with her husband, and will never question his authority in the eyes of others. And thus it will help to reach a compromise, understanding that the interests of the family are above all for such a spouse.
How did we end up together?
Agree that no everyday disagreements would arise if the couple were people with similar views on life. It would be a complete pleasure to exist on the same territory - complete mutual understanding and no divorces on domestic grounds.
How does it happen that people with diametrically opposed worldviews come together? The secret is in the psychology of couple relationships. Natural attraction arises between vectorally different partners, who together form a single whole, complementing each other in properties.
So, partners with the skin and anal vectors choose each other, and a urethral man prefers a woman with a skin-visual one. You can learn more about all the nuances of the formation of natural pairs at the training on system-vector psychology by Yuri Burlan.
Initially, we, so different, are pushed towards each other by the force of attraction - the most ancient way to unite a man and a woman for the sole purpose of continuing the human race. This connection keeps us together for up to three years.
Over the course of thousands of years, we have developed, the volume of our psyche has increased, and we have learned to form connections with each other on a different, more complex level - emotional, intellectual, spiritual. It is connections of this nature that are quite strong and can ensure a long-term paired union of two completely psychologically different personalities.
You can't come to visit
Some may have a question, why spoil relationships with such mundane issues as organizing a shared life, housekeeping, budget?.. After all, you can take only the cream of life from life, coming to stay and returning to your territory. You won’t have to “get used to” each other, avoid sharp corners and solve problematic issues. There will be no unnecessary reasons for quarrels, stupid complaints that you didn’t take out the trash or didn’t cook dinner.
Can. And it's very popular today.
But what does such a relationship give to partners? A feeling of temporary entertainment instead of confidence in the future. The infantile desire to “take” instead of the adult desire to “give.” Timid attempts to find oneself in this life instead of a full-fledged sense of realization to the fullest extent of one’s potential.
Living at a distance is easy because it requires less effort from us. There is no need to look for ways to interact. You can tolerate any everyday “inconsistencies” for a couple of days. But such temporaryness is not a real relationship, it is a guest. They don't give us everything they could give us. Learning to live together is another building block in building strong relationships, another reason for a frank conversation, another point that requires effort from both parties.
When we enter serious relationship with all the ensuing obligations, we declare to society that we are capable of achieving success in this life. By doing so, we confirm that we have evolved to a level where we can take responsibility for another person, when we are ready for a completely different quality of life, ready for the privilege of being spouses, being parents, being one with someone other than ourselves. . This is our step forward, victory over ourselves, conquering a new peak.
System-vector psychology does not provide handicraft recipes for solving everyday problems. Thinking in systemic categories provides for a more radical approach: understanding a partner at a level where such problems simply do not arise, because scattered socks mean a high salary, and the demand for a white tablecloth is swan-like fidelity. When you begin to understand what mental characteristics are behind your partner’s actions, what arises is not irritation, but acceptance and tenderness, the desire to please him without any violence against yourself.
The article was written based on training materials “ System-vector psychology»According to statistics, more than 30% of Russians under the age of 45 live with their parents. Some don’t even want to leave, others don’t have the financial ability to live separately. Still others claim that they would be happy to live separately, but it’s not time yet. And then a whole list of reasons: “there is no money for your own housing”, “parents cannot cope alone”, etc. Today, those who live with their parents are often accused of insolvency and immaturity. How fair is this? What are the pros and cons of living together?
Financial aid
Utility bills, household expenses, and sometimes even buying groceries often fall on the shoulders of parents.
➕ This will help you save up for your own home, car, and education. You can travel and live for your own pleasure.
➖ It’s difficult to learn how to plan a budget and distribute finances, but parental financial assistance will not last forever.
Emotional support
Relatives can become a kind of support and protection from worries and difficulties, because they solve many everyday problems.
➕ Parents will always listen, support and regret.
➖ You become emotionally dependent on your parents, which means you will always look for someone who will support you and solve all your problems.
Removal of responsibility
Living together with parents allows you to shift responsibility for your life, household chores, and your own failures in your career or personal life to them.
➕ Paradoxical as it may seem, the ability to blame someone else will save you from unnecessary torment and preserve your health.
➖ It is impossible to understand what you are striving for, what you want, to learn to make decisions and build a life at your own discretion.
Stability and confidence
➕ You can be confident in the future, do what you like, and not be afraid to take risks while looking for your path in life.
➖ You can realize the desires and needs of your parents by taking them as your own. You use their knowledge and experience without acquiring your own. Your fate turns out to be determined by your parents’ attitudes, without which you are lost and unable to go through life on your own.
Family values
➕ Living under the same roof with your parents allows you to create an image of an ideal family in your head. Provided your parents are happily married.
➖ The family idyll of parents can make it difficult to find a partner, because you will look for the ideal without thinking that you need to work on the relationship.
Help in raising children
When children are born, the help of grandparents can greatly ease the hardships of young parents.
➕ Sometimes instead of help (or along with it) you receive endless advice, notations and moral teachings. The inability of parents to listen to the opinions of others, the desire to help at all costs and confidence in their own rightness can not only give rise to doubts about your worth as a mother, but also shake the emotional state, including that of the child.
➖ Living together also has its benefits for parents. First of all, this is the absence of the “empty nest” syndrome: when children are around, parents continue to feel important and needed.
Together or apart?
Draw conclusions. Analyze what you gain and lose by living with your parents? Do you want to continue staying with them? Separate housing does not always solve all problems. You can live a thousand kilometers away, but still be dependent on your parents. And you can be the mistress of your own destiny in the same apartment with them.
If you are going to stay with your parents, decide what suits/dislikes you about living together? What rights are being violated? What rules and agreements would you like to introduce? What will help make your coexistence as comfortable as possible?
Remember: You can help your parents from a distance. The main thing is support and trusting relationships, and not living in the same territory.
Rules for cohabitation
It would be useful to identify them.
✔︎ Each family member should have personal space. Even if, due to cramped conditions, it is impossible to allocate a room for everyone, it is important that everyone has their own corner - a place where they are completely left to themselves.
✔︎ In the common area of the apartment, you must follow the rules of the “dormitory” agreed upon by you all and maintain traditions.
✔︎ Household responsibilities should be distributed among all family members. Whatever financial contribution you make to the family budget, do not shift household chores (cleaning, cooking, buying groceries) entirely onto the shoulders of your parents.
✔︎ Respect and freedom of choice: none of you is obliged to compromise your own desires and needs for the sake of another. Respect your parents, but remain yourself.
Can there be harmonious marital relations without living together?
Under a common roof
When ten years ago Victor And Larisa They were starting a family, they didn’t even think about guest marriage. For young graduates of a medical institute, it was completely natural that spouses should live under the same roof and build a family nest together.
Shortly before the wedding, the bride’s lonely aunt passed away, and the 23-year-old girl became the owner of a two-room apartment in the center of Moscow. It was completely natural that the young couple began to live there. Victor’s living conditions at that time were much worse. Victor’s mother, his grandmother and two adult sisters lived in a two-room apartment on the outskirts of the capital.“I was very glad that at the beginning of our family life we had our own home. At the same time, I tried to do everything in my power to make Victor feel at ease and comfortable there,” says Larisa.
Debt is debt
The prosperous family life of Victor and Larisa began to crack three years ago. Events developed rapidly. By that time, Victor's grandmother had died, both sisters had married and settled separately. Victor's mother was left alone in the apartment. She suffered from loneliness and asked her son to visit her more often.
“When my mother-in-law became seriously ill, Vitya moved in with her to look after his mother and brighten up his life. recent months her life... I supported this decision because I understood that my husband must fulfill his filial duty,” says Larisa.
To the woman’s surprise, after her mother’s death, her beloved husband decided not to return. He liked living in his mother's apartment, where he became the sole and absolute owner. Victor usually visited his wife on weekends. Thus, the traditional marriage turned into a guest marriage.Second honeymoon
The first months of the guest marriage seemed surprisingly pleasant to Larisa. She now has much more free time. When preparing lunches and dinners, the woman no longer had to focus on the tastes of her picky husband.
The husband began to take care of his clothes himself, learned to iron shirts and trousers... “The most important thing is that romance has returned to our marital relationship. When Vityusha visited me, his eyes shone... My husband suddenly became so gallant, courteous, often complimented... This was the second honeymoon of our marriage.”
Family life has cracked
However, the “sweet phase” in the relationship did not last long. Larisa viewed the guest marriage as a temporary stage in their life, as a kind of psychological shake-up, a spicy game... She more and more persistently persuaded her husband to return home. But Victor, who had already tasted the “air of freedom,” was happy with everything. Larisa reproached her husband for selfishness, suspected infidelity... Victor, during one of the skirmishes, stated that he was not going to return to Larisa’s apartment, since all the past years he had felt like a primak there.
Their meetings became increasingly rare and short. Now Victor came a couple of times a month and stayed only a few hours. After seven months of living apart, the husband announced that he fell in love with another woman and was going to file for divorce. “Guest marriage killed our family!” - Larisa exclaims emotionally.Economic and social conditions contribute to the spread of guest marriages. Modern men and women strive for a successful career. To reach professional heights, you must have mobility. A person must be ready to take off at any moment and move to another city and even another country. Therefore, traditional marriages are increasingly becoming guest marriages.
This way of family life is not capable of solving underlying problems in marital relationships. It is likely that misunderstandings, omissions and mutual grievances have been accumulating for years in the relationship between Larisa and Victor. This whole load of problems spilled out during the guest phase of their marriage.
