Download full version of Barbara Cher. There's no harm in dreaming. How to get what you really want. Find your calling

(estimates: 3 , average: 2,67 out of 5)

Title: Dreaming is not harmful. How to get what you really want
Author: Barbara Sher, Annie Gottlieb
Year: 2004
Genre: Self-improvement, Foreign applied and popular science literature, Personal growth, Foreign psychology

About the book “Dreaming is not harmful. How to Get What You Really Want by Barbara Sher and Annie Gottlieb

Dreams are something for which it is worth not just living, but striving for more, developing, setting high goals for yourself and constantly moving forward. Dreams make our life bright, rich, interesting and very happy. Everyone should have a dream, but it is important not just to dream, but to do everything to make it come true.

Unfortunately, in modern world we are used to putting off pleasant things for later, for best time, dealing with problems such as work, family. And sometimes we don’t notice that life turns into something colorless and ordinary. It seems that you have a dream, and you want it to come true, but there are a lot of reasons and problems that prevent this from happening.

This situation occurs when we have the wrong attitude towards ourselves and everything that happens around us. The book “Dreaming is not harmful. How to Get What You Really Want by Barbara Sher and Annie Gottlieb will help you understand how to dream about something correctly so that it comes true.

We are designed in such a way that we put work and material well-being in first place, considering them the most important and valuable. As a result, our dreams fade into the background, and in the end we completely forget about them. Disappointment, despondency sets in, we feel unhappy.

The book “Dreaming is not harmful. How to get what you really want" helps you build your life correctly. First, you will collect all your dreams, because if we dream about something, it means something to us, we need it. The author helps us understand what will change if our dream comes true, because we need it for something. Then you will learn how to correctly achieve your goals with the help of practical tasks.

Barbara Sher and Annie Gottlieb talk about people who had dreams and couldn't achieve them, but by changing themselves they ended up achieving more. Sometimes we set our goals incorrectly or cannot assess the scale of our dreams, their purpose and role in our lives.

One point that I really liked in the book “Dreaming is not harmful. How to get what you really want" is to clearly imagine ourselves, what we will become after our dream comes true. Imagining the result, the emotions that will overwhelm you at that moment, takes you one step closer to the goal.

Modern man is designed in such a way that it is easier for him to act according to a schedule. For example, performing work in strict deadlines. The same applies to dreams. You need to clearly decide for yourself when it should happen, and actively work in this period of time.

The book “Dreaming is not harmful. How to Get What You Really Want by Barbara Sher and Annie Gottlieb has a lot of useful tips and practical tasks. There are some points that may already be outdated and not entirely suitable for our society. The book is also aimed at the target audience - Americans, whose lifestyle is different from our country.

On the other hand, the book “Dreaming is not harmful. How to Get What You Really Want” is incredibly useful and positive. Barbara Sher and Annie Gottlieb very easily and clearly described how to act to make your dreams come true. We recommend reading to everyone who has dreams, and even more so to those who believe that they do not have dreams.

Published in Russian for the first time.

On our website about books you can download the site for free or read online book“Dreaming is not harmful. How to get what you really want" by Barbara Sher, Annie Gottlieb in epub, fb2, txt, rtf, pdf formats for iPad, iPhone, Android and Kindle. The book will give you a lot of pleasant moments and real pleasure from reading. You can buy the full version from our partner. Also, here you will find last news from the literary world, learn the biography of your favorite authors. For beginning writers there is a separate section with useful tips and recommendations, interesting articles, thanks to which you yourself can try your hand at literary crafts.

Quotes from the book “Dreaming is not harmful. How to Get What You Really Want by Barbara Sher and Annie Gottlieb

Winning, in my understanding, means getting what you want. Not what your dad and mom would like for you, not what you consider achievable in this world, but exactly what you want - your desires, fantasies and dreams. A person becomes a winner when he loves his life, when he gets up every morning, enjoying the new day, when he likes what he does, even if sometimes it is a little scary.

The surest, best and most fun way to learn anything is to do it.

If you don’t have enough strength, you constantly want to sleep, you do everything through force, then the reason may not be a lack of vitamins or low blood sugar. Perhaps they just haven’t found their purpose. You will immediately know your path as soon as you set foot on it, because you will immediately be overwhelmed with energy and creative ideas.

The first thing you, son, will need is money. Here's the credit. We figured that you could return it in four years. Harry has a company here that will provide you with seeds and fertilizer to get you started. I don't grow anything on my low land, so you can use it for now. You can also take my equipment, here are the keys to the barn. We have sales connections in every city in the state, and "Old Sam's has trucks." If you need anything else, just come in, okay? We will check in with you from time to time to see how you are doing.”
This is how Jimmy Carter began, a self-made man.

Barbara Sher, Annie Gottlieb

There's no harm in dreaming. How to get what you really want

Wishcraft

How to Get What You Really Want

Scientific editor Alika Kalajda

Published with permission from Andrew Nurnberg Literary Agency

All rights reserved. No part of the electronic version of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any means, including posting on the Internet or corporate networks, for private or public use without the written permission of the copyright owner.

Legal support for the publishing house is provided by the Vegas-Lex law firm.

Dedicated to my mother,

who always believed in me

Preface

It’s hard to believe that thirty years have passed since the moment when I held my first book in my hands, looking at the cover with the title “It’s not harmful to dream” and my name. My life hasn't changed. At least not right away. Just like ten years before, I raised two boys alone, worked hard and had difficulty making ends meet. Not to mention that I was almost forty-five and by the standards of 1979 it was considered too late to start something new, especially for a woman.

But that day I felt like Cinderella at the ball, because my book was published. Everything was like a dream. Deep down, I was always afraid that I would live my life and no one would know about me. Everything was fine now. I wrote a book good book, and I had no doubt about it, because it was based on a carefully designed two-day seminar that I had successfully conducted for almost three years. I knew that this seminar was helping people. Before my eyes, they used my techniques to help each other achieve the seemingly impossible, opened their own businesses, got their plays staged in theaters in New York, received grants and went to Appalachia to photograph local children, entered a prestigious law school faculty and graduated from it, found ways, assistance and adopted children. These dreams were as unique as their owners.

I hoped that “Dreaming Isn’t Harmful” would help people the way my seminar helped them, but I wasn’t sure. The seminars were recorded (a lot of audio tapes - after all, each lasted about twelve hours), everything was presented in the book in the same words as in the classes. But there were people working face to face, and I was worried that the book wouldn't have the impact it needed.

There was no need to worry for long.

A few weeks after the book came out, I started receiving letters. Real letters are in envelopes, hand-addressed and stamped. At first I received several letters a week, then more and more, and after six months my closet was already full cardboard boxes with letters. Readers thanked me for my practical approach and simplicity - for understanding their lives, for helping them pay attention to their dreams. I warned them that they would face fear and negativity, and they appreciated it. They liked my advice to complain to someone every now and then.

Some, paying attention to the training origin of “Dreaming is Not Harmful,” began reading my book in groups. Sometimes it took them a year to go through it together and realize their dreams. Some said they studied Dreaming Isn't Harmful in a college course, others wanted to create “success teams” using the book as a guide and asked for help in doing so. Many simply read the book and said that they no longer felt lonely. By letters they let me into their lives, they wanted to say that thanks to “Dreaming is Not Harmful” they were understood, heard and found help. I experienced an incomparable feeling.

Thirty years have passed and I'm still getting Thanksgiving letters, and sometimes from people who, years later, reread “It’s Not Harmful to Dream” and tell me that the book helps them again and again. Sometimes their grown-up children even write to me.

I have a small stack of my very first letters. And also several emails that continue to arrive to this day. But no matter how many reviews I receive, I always feel honored and excited when I read them, and try to respond personally.

This famous book has helped many people become happier and more successful in life. It contains effective strategies and methods that allow you to change your destiny. The author of this work is a professional psychologist and the creator of a practical program that makes dreams come true. Thanks to this book, you will learn how to discover your talents and abilities, overcome self-doubt and phobias, and achieve your goals. Barbara Sher believes that every person can achieve great things, and her mission is to help people realize this.

It is high time! How to turn a dream into a life, and a life into a dream (1996)

If you have a dream of finding a job that will not just bring money, but also pleasure for the soul, then this book is for you.
The author of this publication, Barbara Sher, does not believe that this requires radical changes or making huge sacrifices. She shares several lessons that can give you insight into how to create a life and path that is right for you. A destiny in which everything will suit you.

Better late than never. How to start a new life at any age (1996)

Would you like to wake up in the morning and feel young, healthy and vigorous? To know that you have the strength to achieve a lot and have something that brings you pleasure? At first glance, this seems fantastic, especially for people of an age when thoughts about missed opportunities and fading are constantly spinning in their heads. However, the author is sure that it is never too late to change everything. In this edition she presents effective techniques and techniques that are suitable for people of any age and can transform you into the inspired and active person you would like to be...

Your dream job. How to make money doing what you love (2000)

There's no harm in dreaming. How to Get What You Really Want (2004)

In order to organize the life of your dreams, you do not need to use any mantras, hypnosis, complex programs or dubious scams. All that is needed is working techniques for problem solving, planning and analysis. It is these techniques that the author presents in this book, which has already been able to help millions of people.
Barbara Sher has been helping readers improve the quality of their lives and turn their desires into real results for over 30 years...

I refuse to choose! How to Use Your Interests, Passions and Hobbies to Create the Life and Career of Your Dreams (2006)

This book is a very necessary and useful guide, which is designed to help “People of a Unique Type” succeed in life.. A unique type of people, whom the author also calls “scanners,” can often be seen even in ordinary Everyday life... What if you also belong to this type? If you have many hobbies and interests, then this book may be useful to you. This manual encourages each of the unique individuals to forget about all stereotypical patterns and look at the world with a fresh look. The book will allow you to know yourself, with all your strengths and weaknesses, and will also open your eyes to how to use your strengths for your own good...

Current page: 1 (book has 20 pages total) [available reading passage: 4 pages]

This book is well complemented by:

Dreaming is not harmful

Barbara Sher

Be the best version of yourself

Dan Waldschmidt

Turn on your heart and brains

Daria Bikbaeva

I Could Do Anything

If I Only Knew What It Was

How to Discover What You Really Want and How to Get It

Barbara Sher

What to dream about

How to understand what you really want and how to achieve it

"Mann, Ivanov and Ferber"

Information

from the publisher

Scientific editor Alika Kalajda

Published with permission from Andrew Nurnberg Literary Agency

Published in Russian for the first time

Sher, Barbara

What to dream about. How to understand what you really want and how to achieve it / Barbara Sher; lane from English T. Mamedova. – M.: Mann, Ivanov and Ferber, 2015.

ISBN 978-5-00057-499-7

The continuation of the bestseller “Dreaming Isn’t Harmful” talks about how to overcome chronic self-criticism and a negative attitude, how to stop waiting for luck and start creating it, how to get off the beaten track, re-believe in “long-forgotten” goals and, finally, decide who you want become. This is a very necessary book for those who still don’t know what they want from life.

No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without the written permission of the copyright holders. Legal support for the publishing house is provided by the Vegas-Lex law firm.

In memory of my beloved father Sam Sher.

He lit up our lives

Preface

Not knowing what you want to do in life is a serious matter. It's not nice to not have a goal. In my first book, “Dreaming Isn’t Harmful”1, I call achieving what you want a victory and describe how to move step by step towards victory and create a life where your cherished dreams will come true. However, for many years now, readers have been contacting me with the words: “I really like your book, but I can’t use it because I don’t have a goal. I just don't know what I want."

I got curious. I decided to find out what the problem of these people was and began meeting with those who could not decide your own desires. They told me their stories, I asked questions, and it soon became clear that all these clients were stuck in internal struggles that they did not even suspect.

It never occurred to them that deep down they know what they want, but their desires are masked by internal conflict. When they learned about the problem, they were very surprised and greatly relieved. All that remained was to develop a plan to circumvent these conflicts, which was surprisingly easy. People woke up to life and took action after one or two meetings!

It was amazing. And I decided to collect all our discoveries and strategies - and combine them in a book so that they are available to everyone who needs help.

Now you are holding this book in your hands.

Are you not doing what you love and not pursuing your dreams because you can’t figure out what exactly you want? I assure you, you are not alone. The problem is common and there is a solution. Once you recognize yourself in the descriptions on these pages, you will immediately be introduced to techniques that can help you. Don't be surprised if you find characteristics that are characteristic of yourself in several chapters at once. Read everything. Most of us are complex, multifaceted creatures, and the exercise that will be your breakthrough could be in any of the chapters.

Working on a book will be a fun, educational, sometimes painful, and often very fun experience. Sometimes it is not easy to understand what is happening inside, but if you do, you will experience a surge of energy and great rewards.

You can do anything if you just find out what exactly you want. And it will happen soon.

Introduction

The purpose of this book is to help you improve your life. When I talk about the good life, I don't mean swimming pools, mansions and private jets - unless you really dream about them. But the reader who is interested in a book called “What to Dream About. How to understand what you really want and how to achieve it,” probably not about swimming pools.

You want to truly love your life.

My friend's father explained it perfectly: "A good life is when you get up in the morning and can't wait to start all over again."

Is this the case for you? Or does this idea of the good life seem like an unattainable heavenly ideal? If you don't jump out of bed in the morning excited about the day ahead, I know for sure that you are desperate to find a goal that will make you feel like my friend's father. You crave a job that will give you energy and fill you with enthusiasm. You passionately dream of finding a place where you will leave your mark. Albert Schweitzer2 found his place, and Golda Meir3 too, and the neighbor boy who played the guitar day and night also found it.

Such people know how to live. They believe in their business with all their hearts. They know that their work is important.

When you're around people who have found their calling, you see the sense of purpose on their faces.

Life is too short to live without a goal.

In the early 1980s, two psychologists from Harvard University studied people who considered themselves happy. What did they have in common? Money? Success? Health? Love?

Nothing like this.

They were united by only two things: they knew exactly what they wanted, and they felt that they were moving towards their goal.

That's what a good life is: you have a goal and you go straight to the object of your love.

Yes, I'm talking about love.

It's not about skills and abilities. I don't care what skills you have. Do you know what I could do when I was a single mother with two small children? Clean the house with demonic speed; catch the bus while holding laundry bags, grocery bags and children; squeeze everything possible out of the dollar, so that the portrait of George Washington began to beg for mercy.

Thanks, but I'm not interested in a career that would benefit from these skills.

I don't believe that good life will provide what you know how to do. It's important that you do what you want to do. Moreover, I believe that skills do not reflect your true talents. We are all good at doing things that don't bring us any pleasure. And everyone has absolutely untapped abilities.

Don't rely on your skills when choosing a direction in life. That's why I'm not going to give personality tests and skills tests to determine what you should do.

I know what you need to do.

The things you love.

You are talented at what you love. Only love will give you the strength and energy to do something as long as it takes to develop your abilities. This is how great achievements are achieved - ordinary people like you or me know what they want and put their all into it.

If you don't know what you want, you can't even get to the starting line - and that's frustrating. But you are not alone. Recent studies have shown that as many as 98 percent of Americans are dissatisfied with their jobs. But it’s not just the financial issue that keeps them in place – they simply don’t know what to do instead. You may have thought of this condition as a personal nightmare, but in reality it is terribly common.

Well, I have a surprise for you.

In reality, you know what you want.

Everyone knows this. That's why you have no peace until you find your way. You feel that you are destined for some specific task. And you're right. Einstein needed to develop physical theories, Harriet Tubman4 needed to lead people to freedom, and you need to follow your unique purpose. As Vartan Grigoryan said5: “There will never be another person like you in the Universe, never in the entire history of mankind.” Each of us is unique. Every person has a unique view of the world, and this originality always wants to express itself.

But something stops many. When we decide to change our lives, pick up the baton and enter the race, something always happens. For some mysterious reason, our resolve is fading. We look at the baton and think: “No, this is not mine.” And we put it aside, worrying that time is running out, that we will never find “our own.”

There are two reasons for this.

First of all, it is very difficult to know what we want because we have so many options to choose from. It wasn't always like this. Our parents and their parents had more limited opportunities and clearer goals. We owe the current freedom in search of life's work to the success of our culture.

Freedom is wonderful. But it is also painful because it requires us to set our own goals.

Did you know that during war, fewer people suffer from depression? During such periods everything is important. Every day you know exactly what needs to be done. Despite the fear, the struggle for survival provides direction and energy. You don't waste time trying to figure out what you're worth or what you should do with your life. You are just trying to survive, save your home, help your neighbors. We like films about people who find themselves in mortal danger - because every step of the heroes is full of meaning.

And when there are no emergency situations that dictate goals, meaningful goals have to be created. It is possible if you have a dream, but we have little experience of this kind.

Secondly, something in us prevents us from realizing your desires. Some internal conflict prevents them from being seen. Determining its essence is not so easy. Often he disguises himself as self-reproach: “Maybe I don’t have any talents. Maybe I'm just lazy. If I were smarter, I would achieve more in life."

And none of these accusations are true.

The first purpose of this book is to shed light on your inner conflict so that you can clearly see its outlines. Having determined what was stopping you, you will immediately understand why you could not arrange your life the way you want. You will stop reproaching yourself. And you realize that your inaction has a reason.

In our culture there are a lot of primitive accusatory myths like: “If you really want something, you will achieve it.” Or: “If you prevent yourself from acting, it means you lack character.” No one asks the obvious question: “Why on earth would a person interfere with himself?” Finding the answer requires curiosity, and people who tend to judge others always lack it.

In the following chapters, we will learn how to relieve these feelings of guilt and replace them with honest and unbiased curiosity. I deeply respect sincere curiosity and have no respect at all for smug self-righteousness. You will get useful answers, answers that will help us, if you apply the principle “everything happens for a reason.” Of course, there is a reason why you don't know where to go. This book will help you find it.

For now, just remember: whatever you did before you opened the book, it is not due to laziness, stupidity, or cowardice. Many self-improvement programs, even very useful ones, are often based on the assumption that you did not achieve what you wanted because you did not develop the right way of thinking. They judge you and imply that you need to fix it first.

Now, forget about it.

To truly enjoy your life, you don’t need to become better or change your attitude towards the situation. You are already good enough. Moreover, the smartest thing is to take and get what you want before you start working on yourself. Once on the right path, you will see how the “wrong” way of thinking will miraculously change.

I don't plan to put you into a program that requires you to become a different person. Life is not so simple, and wishful thinking will not achieve anything. Also, I don't think it's possible to solve problems with positive thinking. A system that requires you to artificially change your thoughts and pretend that you are experiencing feelings that are not there is not sustainable enough in the long term. Creative visualization also has limitations. I know many people who cannot visualize and people who experience intense internal conflict even when imagining the things they love. Yes, the idea of “creating your own reality” sounds promising, but there is a downside: if everything goes wrong, you will have something to blame. This is unfair. You are not so omnipotent as to be solely responsible for your own destiny - and there is no such need.

However, you need to understand why you don't know what you want. Once a completely credible explanation is found, something can finally be done about it.

The second purpose of the book is to show exactly how to do this. Each chapter contains tools and strategies to help you stop fighting within yourself whenever you need to, now and in the future.

The first three chapters are intended for all readers. They will shed light on your inner conflict, and you will see its outlines. Once the overall picture of the problem is clear, you can move on to the chapter that offers the strategy that's right for you.

Understanding what an internal conflict is is not so difficult, because once you learn to listen, you will notice that it is quite noisy. One side is in favor of getting what you want, while the other is determined to keep you. All that remains is to listen carefully to the louder voice: it will lead to strategies that can help.

You may hear, “I want so many things that I can never choose.” Chapter 6 tells you how to get it all. (She'll also show you how to focus on one thing at a time, if you secretly want that ability.)

What if you are considered very successful, you have a fast career, but you are unhappy? And an inner voice asks: “How can you give up success? How will I live if I do this?” Take a fresh look at your options by turning to Chapter 7.

If you seem to know what you want, but a voice insists: “You can’t want something that is so banal and insignificant,” chapter 8 is for you. Perhaps the problems are rooted in “your tribe” - in family, friends, customs: you want it , which goes against everything you have been taught.

If you have just graduated from school, university or training program and a voice says: “I am afraid to choose - in case I find myself trapped!”, then turn to Chapter 9. It will show you how to avoid being stuck in the wrong place and start living.

Chapter 10 will help if you've just experienced big changes– for example, they retired or released their children into independent life. In this case, your voice may be saying, “I don’t have a master plan for the future.”

If you hear: “What's the point of acting? I'll only be disappointed. Nothing compares to what I already had but is now lost,” move on to Chapter 11, which examines the loss of a cherished dream. You will find that life still has meaning.

And if you hear inside: “I’m trying to achieve something, but, frankly, I’m not in the mood for it, I don’t know why,” your situation is not as mysterious as it might seem. Take a look at Chapter 14 and you may find that in reality want to do what you are trying to give up.

If you still can't figure out what your inner voice is saying, don't worry. By the end of Chapter 3 you will hear it. I guarantee it.

Once you begin to feel your way, you will find yourself on the leading edge of a massive historical change. In modern industrial society, almost everyone - whether they like it or not - has to figure out what kind of job and life they want. Sooner or later, all people (of any age) ask themselves: “What do I want to do?”

Gone are the days when students took the path of least resistance and went to, say, a career in banking or further education at the Faculty of Law, believing that this choice was the end of lifelong career planning. According to one research firm, college graduates last year are likely to hold ten to twelve jobs in five different fields over the course of their professional lives. Whether you like it or not, everyone has a second career in the pipeline. Or maybe the third. Or even more.

Corporations continue to lay off employees, and not only because of recent crises: we are entering a new period in economic history. Global competition is forcing companies to transform themselves into smaller and more efficient ones. They are shrinking in size by about two-thirds and may never grow larger. Middle managers are rendered unnecessary. Secretaries are being replaced by technology. The top twenty students at any college or business school may still get good offers from employers, but the rest are on their own.

The trend is clear: we will become a nation of experts - consultants and entrepreneurs. Many will work from home and be paid for specific projects based on ability.

And who will shine brilliantly in the face of change? Those who are ready to turn what they love into their own niche - a niche in which they will succeed. Never before have we had such a strong need to identify our talents.

So, let's go! Let's look at why you don't know what you want. And then we'll try to do something about it.

What was expected of you?

What should you do with your life? Interest Ask, Truth? After all, even when you yourself don’t understand what you want to do, you often know what was expected of you.

I was expected to get married, move in next door to my parents, raise children and run a household.

And it seems that everyone I ask has the answer to this question:

“They expected me to work in the printing house with my father.”

“I had to marry a hereditary financier and raise five child prodigies in a mansion on the seashore.”

“My father wanted me to become a partner in a Wall Street law firm, or the president of a bank, or the head of a corporation—some big shot.”

“I was not supposed to be more successful than my brothers.”

“I was expected to do something special, but I never quite figured out what it was.”

Silent attitudes live in each of us - someone's expectations. You can never speak about them out loud, rebel against them, refuse to follow them. But, one way or another, we always know about them. And these attitudes greatly influence our lives.

How is it going with you? What was your purpose? Maybe you are one of the lucky ones, like Picasso, who knew that he was born to become an artist. Silent attitudes can be an invaluable clue, or they can be a broken compass.

And if it really is a broken compass and you are wandering away from your calling, it is sometimes very painful to watch how the Picasso of this world happily and laboriously go through life. You think: why are you so unlucky?

Families, communities, and even entire cultures in which we are all raised, inundate us with their expectations. Sometimes these attitudes scream like billboards: “Get married. Earn money. Buy a house." And sometimes they are veiled - and quietly creep into us. And they remain. And they never get out into the light, where they could be clearly examined and either rejected or openly accepted.

We usually forget how and when we received instructions on what to do with our lives - just as we forget when we learned to eat with a fork or not to pee in bed. But whenever this happens, they remain with us, and we react to them - usually without thinking. Some obey instructions, some rebel, but everyone responds.

Think for a moment about your life and your goals. Are you living as expected of you?

They wanted me to live next to my parents And At the same time, she was an international spy journalist who spent her days and nights on luxurious travel and dangerous intrigues. Not easy life plan. Firstly, it is impossible to do it. Secondly, I didn’t want to. For a homebody, I love adventure too much, but for a spy I don’t love it enough.

Like you, I was born into a world where ideas of right and wrong surrounded me on all sides - and I wanted to do the right thing. And so, although the settings given to me were impossible to implement, I spent years turning them over in my head, trying to find a way to comply with them.

Sometimes the ideas we have internalized contradict each other and do not suit us. However, they are part of the world in which we were born. They penetrate deep. And they influence us. And even if parents sincerely try not to put pressure on their children, this still happens. Children are susceptible to influence in any case. They learn quickly, and sometimes magically. In childhood, we even catch what is not spoken.

Each such message - explicit or veiled - sinks into the mind, where it can remain for the rest of our adult lives, impeding our happiness. For example, you seem to know what you want, you are successful at your job and you are very passionate about it, but nevertheless you are haunted by the feeling that you should be doing something else.

Journalist Jack M., 29, who reported from hot spots in South Africa at the height of the anti-apartheid struggle and loved his job, told me: “I should have been a doctor. For some reason journalism was not considered an occupation worthy of me.”

Benita B., 36, single and making a great living on Wall Street, said: “I was supposed to will get married for a successful person, not I'll become one of them."

It is obvious how harmful these attitudes are to Jack, Benita and Susan. Unfortunately, it's not so easy to see how these same kinds of expectations are hurting you.

I offer a method that will help you begin to analyze your own situation. Try asking yourself a simple question:

Who said that?

Who said you shouldn't do what you do? And, for that matter, who says that you must do exactly that?

I urge you to give a specific answer. If you want to free yourself from the restrictions imposed by other people's expectations and start doing what you want, you need to determine as accurately as possible how these attitudes reached you and who set them.

Our classmates, neighbors, maybe a teacher or coach - all these people planted some ideas in us. But we mainly derive our earliest and most unshakable attitudes from our family. If you're like most people, the wishes of your relatives still resonate in the depths of your mind - so persistently that you engage in a continuous internal monologue in response to them. You think: “So much for you! Got?!" Or: “This will make them happy.” Or: “Oh, they probably really don’t like what I’m doing. We need to call and talk." The desires of family give meaning—good or bad—to all our activities. Even if we think we don't care.

So, how was it going in your family? How did you learn about your relatives' expectations?

Maybe they directly said what they want from you?

“You will be a doctor. “Everyone in our family is doctors.”

“You should study to be an accountant and go to the family firm. We broke our backs while we were earning money for you to go to college, so now you’re in our debt.”

Or were the attitudes less explicit? Maybe you were told quite specifically what you should not do in the future?

John L. dreamed of becoming a politician, but his father, who always complained about government interference in his business, despised politicians. “The Congressmen,” said John’s dad, “will sell you whole for pennies.”

Carol J. wanted to become an actress. On her fourteenth birthday, over dinner, she talked about her dream, and the family responded unanimously: “You won’t succeed here. No one can do this. Forget".

Or maybe the family didn’t say anything directly, but made their desires very clear when discussing other people:

“Bill’s wife gets a lot more than he does – isn’t it a shame?” (If you are a boy, this means that you should earn good money in the future. If you are a girl, it is better not to do this.)

“The Smiths’ son showed such hope, but in the end he is interrupted by trifles. But the Joneses have a great son - he resells real estate and drives a Mercedes. Just twenty-seven!” (It is quite obvious what kind of son you should become.)

Or your family didn't say anything at all. And you received silent attitudes that were not discussed.

You were simply “drawing conclusions.”

Many parents say: “Do whatever you want, as long as you are happy.” But if they really mean it, then your family is one in a thousand, and I envy you. Unlike others, you can seek out your life's work and enjoy it without suffering from internal conflicts. (If you're not sure if your family is truly one in a thousand, try telling your parents you're a happy stripper or happily dropping out of medical school and you'll quickly find out.)

Well, now, having figured out which way the wind blows with the family’s expectations, let’s take a closer look at your relatives again, but from a different angle. What did they want from you?

Exercise 1. They wanted me to...

Take a blank piece of paper and write down the names of all family members and people close to you. That is, list everyone who was important to you in childhood and adolescence: teachers, coaches, neighbors, cousins, older friends.

Under each name, write down what kind of life that person wanted for you. If you have your own family, you can add some spice by including current family members in the wish list. So, make a long list: let it include everyone you lived with as a child and live with now.

What do these people want or wanted from you?

No need to think long. Record the first thing that comes to mind. Even if you are not completely sure that you know exactly their opinion, what matters is that you consider their opinion this is what influences your inner voice. Misunderstood expectations affected you just as much as correct guesses.

Think about it, what did all these people want from you?

Okay, now look at the answers.

Your list probably looks something like this:

MY LOVED ONES WANTED ME...

MOTHER: was caring and respectable - and became a lawyer.

DAD: He was brave and strived to win - and became an investment banker.

BENNY: was a real hero.

KAREN: was invisible - didn't attract much attention.

GRANDMOTHER: was always with her.

Sometimes this short list helps to understand a variety of things, as it happened with George J. Here is his list:

PAPA: almost didn’t communicate with me, but he loved opera. Therefore, I came to the conclusion that I need to somehow connect myself with opera. I married an opera singer and he finally accepted me. My wife and I were a bad fit and were completely miserable. She wanted to leave, but I was terribly afraid to let her go. I had never seen the connection between these things before.

MOTHER: I always tried to maintain a peaceful environment in the house. The father was angry and silent, and the mother wanted everything to look calm and good. This is probably why I concluded that my life should seem calm and good. So I went to a “normal” job - in a corporation, although I really didn’t like it. Well, I have a very calm life. A real swamp.

Take a good look at your list again and you'll notice something interesting. If you're like most people, you'll see these expectations take a complex turn: There are many of them, and some may turn out to be completely opposite. Remember how I was expected to stay at home and at the same time become a spy flying around the world? Perhaps all family members wanted different things from you. And it’s possible that someone wanted something so incompatible that you could never figure out how to actually achieve it.

Lois M.'s mother said she wanted her daughter to be popular and famous, but when Lois was a teenager, she begged her not to draw attention to herself. How can a person be famous and not attract attention?

Billy R. also received conflicting instructions: “I had to start my own family and at the same time stay with my parents forever.” Really, I wonder where Bill was supposed to build a family nest? In your parents' living room?

These expectations put us in an obviously impossible situation, tying us hand and foot. We are asked to immediately rush to do everything that we are forbidden to do. Or something that can't be done. Or what we are not capable of. At the same time, our minds are distracted from what is most important - developing our unique talents. As children, we are faced with two very serious tasks. We need to figure out what others want from us and what we want ourselves. And when the first task does not allow us to complete the second, we are lost.

It's no wonder we have a hard time figuring out what we want from life.

You see, our families love us as much as they can. But they were not taught listen children, and bring up. And if our relatives don’t listen to us, they are unlikely to know about our dreams, let alone respect them. But dreams make us who we are.

It is easier for almost anyone we meet to respect our aspirations than for our family. If you don't believe me, do a comparison test. If you find yourself in an unfamiliar company, share with them your most wonderful O and the idea that comes to mind. For example, say that you dream of breeding Dalmatians in the Himalayas, but you do not yet have contacts in Tibet. You will see how the interest of your interlocutors will flare up. They will even try to solve your problem.

Interest is the most sincere form of respect.

You and these strangers are strangers to each other, but we all sometimes fall under the spell of someone else's ideas. Any new beginning is intriguing - such is human nature - unless, of course, we have personal reasons to react differently. Our relatives have a lot of such reasons, while strangers have an unclouded perception. Perhaps one in twenty will react negatively for one reason or another, but the other nineteen will respond, for example, like this: “ Interesting idea! My cousin breeds dogs!” Or: “My neighbor was in Nepal! Do you want to talk to her?

In the book “Dreaming Isn’t Harmful”

"What to dream about"

“I refuse to choose!”

"Your dream job"

In the book "Better Late Than Never"

"It is high time!"

Barbara Sher is the author of seven bestselling books, each of which offers a practical and detailed method for discovering your natural talents, setting your goals, and turning your dreams into reality. She is often referred to by the press and her many fans as the mother of life coaching.

Barbara has conducted seminars and master classes around the world - for universities, professional organizations, Fortune 100 corporations, and government agencies. “A comedian with a message”, “the best lecturer we have ever seen” - this is what listeners say about her.

She has appeared regularly in national media on popular programs including The Oprah Winfrey Show. Barbara Sher periodically conducts seminars at the Smithsonian Institution, Harvard and New York Universities.

Barbara walked towards her dream for a long time: for seven years she worked as a waitress, being a single mother with two children. During these seven years, she combined work in a restaurant and her favorite thing - working with people. Her first book, “It's Not Harmful to Dream,” was published when Barbara was 44 years old. The book became a bestseller and has been sold in huge numbers all over the world for more than 35 years.

In the book It's Not Harmful to Dream, Barbara writes about creating the life of your dreams. It offers practical problem-solving techniques, planning skills, and relevant skills. For nearly 40 years, Barbara Sher has been helping people around the world turn their vague desires and dreams into concrete results.

“What to Dream About” is a great continuation of the bestseller “It’s Not Harmful to Dream.” The book will help you understand your purpose in life and find ways to achieve it.

“I refuse to choose!” - about human scanners. “Scanners” are those people who want to try everything and have several hobbies at once.

“Your Dream Job” is a huge selection of ideas from Barbara Sher that will help you make money doing what you love.

In her book, Better Late Than Never, Barbara addresses the issue of self-realization in midlife.

"It is high time!" is a step-by-step plan of 10 lessons that will help you find your calling and do what you love.

Collapse description Expand description