Reading time: 3 minutes, 20 seconds
From the article you will learn: five main reasons why husband and wife quarrel; six scenarios of constructive quarrel.
You know, there are those fairy tales with a happy ending, where “they lived happily ever after and died on the same day.” But how exactly they lived, each little girl figures out for herself, and takes as a basis the model of behavior that exists between her parents.
Naturally, all families are different, somewhere there is peace and quiet, love and harmony for years, and somewhere there are quarrels and scandals, where everyone defends their point of view. I asked myself the question of why a husband and wife quarrel and what it gives them about 10 years ago. I collected information from acquaintances, friends and colleagues, as well as from professional practice and personal life. As a result, I identified a number of reasons.
Why do husband and wife quarrel?
Reason one: the desire to convey your point of view
Okay, I agree. In family relationships, husband and wife have the same right to their point of view, and when one of them does not listen, does not engage in dialogue, or shows a lack of interest, the other explodes.
Quarrels in the family are inevitable, and in a family with a small child, the causes of quarrels are at every turn. At least that’s what it seems to the tired mother and father, who has not yet gotten used to his new role. To prevent family quarrels from negatively affecting a child’s development, let’s learn how to quarrel correctly.
Quarrel with my husband, story one
We see a young couple cozying up on the living room sofa with their newborn baby. The TV is on, the remote control is in the hands of the husband.
His wife gently says to him, “Honey, could you stop changing channels?” He asks, "Why? I just want to see what's on. Maybe there's a good movie somewhere."
She replies, still softly: "But, honey, this is too exciting for the baby. Let's stick to some gear, shall we?" - “But I don’t like any of them. I want to look for more.” - “Is this so important?” Then she can’t stand it: “That’s it, let’s leave this.” There is tension in the air. Let's see what happens next.
Him: Okay. That's it, okay.
She: You say “okay” in a tone that sounds like you want to say “shut up.”
Him: I didn't say shut up. You're just too nervous.
She: I'm not nervous. I just know that tone of yours. You yell at me as if I am one of your subordinates. I don't like it when people talk to me like that.
Him: I don’t like being nagged either. Leave me alone.
She: Fuck you! If I didn’t nag you, you wouldn’t take my opinion into account at all!
Him: Stop yelling! He also talks about nerves! Can't control yourself?
She: I can’t - with such a cretin like you!
The child begins to fuss.
Him: Look what you've done.
She: You always start. I sit quietly and you explode.
Him: No, you're like a viper. One wrong move and that's it, you bite.
She: How can I not bite someone who is trying to crush me?
The child wrinkles his face, tenses and with a loud cry reports the pain that has gripped him.
How to stop arguing in front of children
Such clashes are not uncommon when you are exhausted and depressed. They start out of nowhere. And they harm everyone, especially when children witness their parents’ quarrels. They watch you, absorbing everything like a sponge.
It is very important that children do not witness our clashes. Children are deeply hurt by parental quarrels that occur before their eyes, especially strong quarrels. Therefore, we propose the following solution.
Install time allotted for discussing problems. Outside of this time, complex issues should not be discussed. It's better to talk about them in private. Some of the couples agree to discuss their complaints and serious topics once a week, at special meetings. Moreover, it is better if each of you comes to such a meeting with one complaint, and not with a whole list.
Don't discuss problems over food. Quarrels over food lead to indigestion and can subsequently cause eating disorders in children.
Small disagreements can be discussed in front of children when they are at least four years old. But even in this case, they should see that you have overcome these differences. Between the ages of four and eight, they love it when we hug or kiss after making up. The rest of the skirmish endings do not leave such a strong impression on them.
You can also say a few words to explain what just happened. For example: “Bobby, tell me what happened now? We were angry with each other, but then we decided to discuss it. I listened to my mother, she listened to me. Therefore, we were able to understand each other. The problem is resolved, we made peace again.”
If you failed to restrain yourself and a major quarrel occurred in front of the child, more effort will be required. The child should be picked up and calmed down. If possible, it is better to keep it between you - but only if peace has already been established between you. If the tension persists, then it is better to keep the child on the side, at some distance from the second partner.
As children get older, other problems arise. They have fear that their parents are going to divorce. You need to tell them that this is not the case (unless, of course, you actually plan - but that is a separate topic).
The second fear is related to the fact that they - the reason for your quarrel. Young children believe that they are the center of the universe. They think that everything that happens around them must be somehow connected with them. Therefore, you need to tell them that your quarrel has nothing to do with them and that you love them. Explain that all parents argue from time to time because they have different points of view on different things, and that this is normal. And assure them that you will resolve the differences and apologize for upsetting them. Then hug and do everything so that the next conversation does not take place in their presence.
How to argue correctly: story two
The birth of a child does not create new reasons for quarrels. In fact, most of the reasons for mating remain the same - both at twenty and at eighty. But like many, this husband and wife are concerned with how they fight, not why.
This is familiar to most of us. The reason for the quarrel is displaced by our indignation at the attitude towards us. We blame each other for always stirring up conflicts, for tormenting each other with attacks. We complain that we are no longer noticed, that we are suppressed or not considered at all. In other words, we argue about how to dance, and not about what music to choose.
Is it possible to argue differently - based on form and not content? In our study of married couples, we observed a more acceptable development of events. Master couples also quarrel, and for the same reasons, but somehow differently. Softer, more fun and kinder. Even when heated with anger, they choose words that do not so much hurt as help to assert their rights.
Let's imagine what the previous couple's conversation might have looked like if they had been better at resolving conflict.
Her: Honey, could you stop changing channels? This is starting to make my head spin.
Him: Come on, my love... You know that I love to click the remote control. And there are only 128 channels left to check.
She: Okay. I guess I'll go wash the kitchen floor then.
Him: Trying to trap me in a good old fashioned guilt trap, huh?
She: It doesn't work.
Him: Do you really hate it when I change channels?
She: True. My head is already spinning. And this flickering is too exciting. And finally, it's bad for my eyes.
He: Didn't know that. Okay, what if we focus on football?
She: Darling!
Him: Just thought it was worth a try. OK. So what do you want to watch?
Her: How about a channel with old movies? I like melodramas.
Him: Eww.
She: Okay, okay. What then?
Him: I know. That movie with Clint Eastwood on 44.
She: For your sake - anything.
This dialogue contains almost no sharp edges. They complain, but this time without mutual reproaches, criticism and insults. No one takes a defensive position, no one strikes. Everything goes easier and simpler. It's all about their softness and willingness to hear each other, their willingness to dance their tango beautifully.
Do you think this is impossible? How possible! We reviewed the recordings of the conversations of such pair-masters, analyzed what they did - second by second - and the secret of their dance was gradually revealed. They all took the same steps. Even if someone was very angry and made a mistake, he quickly corrected the situation and the dance continued.
Outline of extracurricular activities
Topic: “Quarrel and Reconciliation”
GOALS:
Help the child understand his behavior and its significance for others;
Develop mental operations: analysis, synthesis, generalization, comparison;
Cultivate respect for classmates, form good relationships between them.
Formation of UUD:
Personal: Show educational and cognitive interest in new material, self-analysis and self-control of the result. The desire to be tolerant in human society, to maintain good relations between classmates.
Regulatory: Determine the purpose of the educational activity, the plan for completing tasks, adjust the completion of the task in accordance with the plan, and evaluate the completion of the task.
Cognitive: Be able to identify behavioral characteristics in various situations, analyze test results, be able to obtain information from additional sources, pose a problem and solve it.
Communicative: Be able to work in a group, negotiate with each other, participate in dialogue, collective discussion, listen and understand others, give reasons for your opinion.
Equipment: computer, projector, testing table, chips for each student, presentation, cards with situations.
Progress of the lesson
Organizing time
The guys gathered here:
On the left is a friend and on the right is a friend.
Let's hold hands together
And let's smile at each other.
You gave me a smile, I give you a smile. Now let’s pass on a smile to all the guests.
Hello guys. My name is Lyubov Nikolaevna. I see in this class there are children with very kind eyes, very serious, responsible. We will get to know you better during the lesson. And I hope our conversation will be useful for everyone.
To begin with, I suggest you watch an excerpt from your favorite cartoon. (showing m-film).
What happened between Little Bee and Mila?
Argument.
Statement of the problem and objectives of the lesson
-- ARGUMENT . (I post this word on the board). What word is this? What words does this word go with?
With words: sadness, resentment, rudeness, deception, discontent, crying, anger, hatred...
How did this word make you feel?
My mood worsened and I became sad.
What word do you think will help lift our spirits?
WORLD. RECONCILIATION (I post this word on the board).
What words does this word go with?
This word is friends with the words:friendship, trust, smile, laughter, fun, joy..
Have you guessed what we will talk about today?
Today we will talk about why people quarrel and how to make peace as quickly as possible.
Main part
-- Guys, do you quarrel with your friends? What is the reason for your quarrels? (Children's statements are listened to.) Is it difficult for you to stop at the moment of an quarrel or fight? Do you need to learn this? And who would like not to quarrel at all? Let's learn to restrain ourselves.
And a quarrel arises because we are all different. We have different characters, views and opinions are also different. Each person behaves differently in a quarrel. Someone immediately gives in, another stands his ground until the end, thinking that he is right, and the third wants to find the truth.
Depending on how people behave in a quarrel, there are 5 types. Do you want to know what type you are?
Please answer the test questions "How do you usually behave when you quarrel?
If this or that behavior is typical for you, put a certain number of points after each answer number that characterizes your behavior. If you behave this way often – 3 points, occasionally – 2 points, rarely – 1 point
Question: How do you usually behave in a dispute or conflict situation?
I threaten or fight.
I try to accept the enemy’s point of view and treat it as my own.
I'm looking for compromises. (I'm coming to an agreement)
I admit that I am wrong, even if I cannot completely believe it.
I avoid the enemy.
I wish you to achieve your goal no matter what.
I'm trying to figure out what I agree with and what I absolutely don't agree with.
I'm making a compromise.
I give up
Changing the subject.
I persistently repeat one thought until I achieve my goal.
I’m trying to find the source of the conflict, to understand where it all started.
I will give in a little, and thereby push the other side to make concessions.
I offer peace.
I'm trying to make a joke out of it.
On the board: A (1,6,11); B(2,7,12); B(3,8,13); G(4,9,14); D(5,10,15)
1 group
2nd group
3 group
4 group
5 group
Now count which column you have more points in. We go out to the board and attach the chips in the appropriate column. And so, in the first column we have...
1.TURTLES – “outgoing” style. Your motto is “leave on time.” You try not to aggravate the situation, not to bring the conflict to an open clash.
2. SHARKS - You stand your ground until the last moment, defending your position. At all costs, strive to win. This is the type of person, I'm always right.
3. MIDDLES – “soft” style. You “destroy” your opponent with your kindness. You readily accept the enemy's point of view, abandoning your own.
4. FOXES – “compromise” style. From the very beginning, you are ready to reach an agreement between the parties based on mutual concessions.
5.OWLS - This is a “democratic” style. You are of the opinion that it is always possible to reach an agreement. looking for a solution that would satisfy both parties.
DLet's draw conclusions from testing.
Having received the test results, perhaps one of you has discovered something new about yourself. But you shouldn’t take this as something permanent. This is a reason to think and change your point of view and yourself in the future.
Think about what kind of quarrel will happen if two sharks or turtles quarrel?
But no matter what group we belong to, we need to be able to manage our emotions. We need to look for ways to get out of the quarrel as quickly as possible.
Who do you think takes the first step toward reconciliation? (Wise, strong, one who wants to maintain friendship).
You can quarrel with anyone - if you want! This is not at all difficult to do. It is much more difficult to make peace. Oddly enough, children succeed in this easier than adults.
Remember what words of reconciliation you know.(“Make up, make up, make up and don’t fight anymore”, “Peace and friendship - forever, well, a quarrel - never! ")
And yet, some children experience quarrels seriously: they get upset, cry, lose their appetite, and sleep poorly. This can lead to some kind of illness, so you should try to avoid quarrels. How to do it?
Discuss the conflict situation, suggest a way out of this situation.
(Children sit in groups. Each group is given a situation on a piece of paper for discussion.)
Situation 1
The lessons are over. While getting ready to go home, Seryozha accidentally pushed Petya with his briefcase... Petya attacked Sergei. After all, dad taught that you have to give change. What is the right thing to do? (Sergei should apologize, Petya should take a break and figure it out.)
Entries appear on the screen
If you offended someone, apologize.
Situation 2
During the big break, the children distributed board games. Misha and Tolya chose the same game. A fight ensued.
What is the right thing to do? (you need to agree who will play first and who will play second.)
Try to come to an agreement in a controversial matter.
Situation 3
You gave your book to a friend to prepare for your lessons. He promised to bring it to school the next day. But he didn’t bring it, apologized and said that he forgot. And you really need this book. What would you do? (this could happen to me, I would forgive him).
3. Try to understand the other person by putting yourself in his place.
In one good story I read about a girl Marusa, who learned to say to herself the word “Stop!” before losing your temper. This truly magical word stopped her from rash actions and helped her maintain friendly relations with others. Try to stop in time. Learn to tell yourself “Stop!” - and you can avoid many unpleasant quarrels.
4. Learn to tell yourself “Stop!”
If a quarrel breaks out and you cannot resolve the conflict on your own, you can call an adult friend for help. This could be a teacher, parents, or authoritative high school students.
When the conflict is resolved correctly, there comes peace, fun, openness, joy, relaxation, a feeling of strength, and self-confidence.
And if the person who is next to you is different from you, this does not mean that he is worse than you. He is simply different, with his own individual characteristics, with his own strengths and weaknesses.
Now, in order to get to know each other better, we will play a game “The wind blows on that...”
The teacher says the phrase: “The wind blows on him...”
who has many friends.
who doesn't like to quarrel.
who is not rude to elders.
who often shares with his comrades what he has.
who knows how to give compliments.
who never calls names.
who doesn't lie.
who is not shy to apologize.
who knows how to quickly forget an insult.
who knows how to make friends.
who knows how to forgive
Children who attribute this phrase to their own account go to the board, line up in a row, hold hands and, when the teacher pronounces the next phrase, blow together, imitating the wind.
You see, despite minor shortcomings, we are each in our own way kind, respectful people who can forgive offenses.
Reflection
Why do we need to learn to live without quarrels? Who needs it?
We, our families, our school, our country, our entire planet need this.
If we learn to live without quarrels in the family, class, school...
If people live without quarrels in big cities and countries... for sure, we will be less likely to hear terrible words that are now very familiar to our ears, likewar, murder, terrorism .
Thanks for the work!
Municipal educational institution "Secondary school with. Teplovka, Novoburassky district, Saratov region"
Compiled by: Abramova M.P.,
primary school teacher
2014
Target: identifying signs of a conflict situation, training in joint conflict resolution.
Lesson objectives:
- Show what conflict between people is.
- Develop the ability to identify signs of a conflict situation.
- Develop conflict resolution skills through joint decision making.
Equipment:
1.Computer, multimedia projector, screen.
2.Poster with a crossword puzzle;
3.Paper hearts: sad, serious, cheerful;
4. Whatman paper
5. Miniature figures of men, trees, stones, houses, flowers, etc.;
6. Cards with a story by K. Ushinsky.
Forms of work used:
- crossword
- conversation
- group creative work
- role-playing game
- warm-up
During the classes.
- Organizing time.
One, two, three - listen and watch.
Three, two, one - we start now.
Warm-up:
Teacher: “I really want to wish good morning to everyone, everyone, every one of you. Good afternoon guys! And let's play the game "Good afternoon" with you.
Game "Good afternoon"
I will say the words: “Good afternoon...” and name someone from our class. Those whom I name will wave at me, which means you have heard and are returning the greeting. Shall we try? Good afternoon to all the girls!... Good afternoon to all the boys!... Good afternoon to all those who brushed their teeth today!... Good afternoon to everyone who loves candy!... Good afternoon to everyone who wants to know what we're into We’ll play today... Well done!”
2.Repetition
1.Teacher. - Guys, we’ll start today’s class hour with defining the mood. Today I invite you to choose your favorite heart.
/There are three hearts on the board: the first is sad, the second is serious, the third is cheerful./
You and I talked a lot about friendship, created rules of friendship. Today, before we move on to a new topic, let's remember what kind of relationship can be called friendly. We have to solve the crossword puzzle “Friendship”
Questions:
1. Do it to people... and it will come back a hundredfold.
2. He will always help in difficult times, which means he is a real...
3. Tender feelings of people towards each other.
4. They extend it towards each other.
5. Belief in the reliability of a friend (feeling).
6. Announce for good study, work...
7. Relationships between two or more people.
8. A person who will never betray, will always support, will be on your side. This is the quality of a person.
(Answers: 1. Good; 2. Friend; 3. Love; 4. Hand; 5. Trust 6. Gratitude; 7. Friendship. 8. Loyalty.)
Teacher: This is what friendship is based on.
II. New topic. Watching the cartoon “Quarrel” (“Luntik and his friends”)
1. Determining the topic of the lesson.
Teacher: Watch an excerpt from the cartoon and name the topic of our class hour.
/Children conclude that the conversation will be about quarrels/
Teacher: Well done!
What is a quarrel?
(Children's answers).
Let's read the definition given by V.I. Dal.
"Quarrel - disagreement, discord, quarrel, enmity, discord, hostility."
(The definition is written on the slide.)
2. Conversation:
Have you ever had similar situations, that is, have you ever quarreled? What was the quarrel about?
Is it easy for you to ask for forgiveness?
Remember an incident in your life when the ability to forgive helped you maintain a friendship.
Now listen to the story. Listen carefully. After reading, I will ask you questions. The fairy tale is called “The Thousand Flower”, and it was written by A. Neyolova.
/Slide./
On the bank of a cheerfully babbling brook grew a pretty thousand-flowered flower.
One day, while playing, a stream splashed a few drops on him. The thousandflower got angry and shouted: “Ugly little stream, how dare you splash! He soaked my whole dress! Get out, I don't want to play with you anymore.
“Don’t be angry, I did this by accident,” the streamlet apologized. - Be patient a little, the sun will quickly dry you.
But the thousand-flower did not want to listen to anything and did not forgive the stream. The stream got offended and turned the other way. Spring was replaced by a sultry summer... The Thousand Flower was exhausted from thirst; his pretty green dress became dusty and covered with dirty spots. In the half-withered flower one could hardly recognize the once beautiful thousand-flower. Here the flower remembered his old friend and, sighing, said:
“If there were a stream with me now, it would give me water and wash me, and I would again become as pretty as before, a little flower.”
Here the thousand-flower decided to call the stream and ask for its forgiveness, but from weakness I could not shout loudly... At that time, as if on purpose, there was no rain or dew - our flower faded more and more day by day, and soon the children found it in the grass completely dry.
Questions and tasks for the fairy tale:
1.Now you will divide into pairs. One person in a couple is a flower, the other is a stream. You have to come up with a different ending, small dialogue scenes, like the flower and the stream made peace.
2. If you were a stream, would you forgive a flower? Do you think the flower would change if the stream forgave him?
3. Imagine that the stream forgave the flower and gave it water. List the good qualities that appeared in the flower after this.
4. What advice would you give to a person who does not know how to forgive people?
3. Physical exercise.
4.Work using cards. Story by K. Ushinsky “Together it’s crowded, but apart it’s boring”
Brother says to sister: “Don’t touch my top!”
The sister answers her brother: “Don’t touch my dolls!”
The children sat in different corners; but soon they both became bored.
Teacher: Tell me, brother and sister might quarrel. Read the story by K. Ushinsky. Tell me why there was a quarrel between brother and sister.
Game “Quarrel and make up”
Teacher: Now we’ll play the game “Quarrel and Make Up”
The rules of the game are as follows: you work in pairs, find a reason for the “quarrel”, and then make peace. (you can give out options: reasons for quarrels)
(Several pairs act out dialogue scenes.)
Teacher: Well done!
5. Creative task (group).
Teacher: You did a great job with the tasks in your notebook. Well, now it’s a game again, but an unusual one. You will work in groups: 1st row - 1st group, 2nd row - 2nd group, 3rd row - 3rd group.
Imagine that you are wizards. You are in a country where no one has ever lived before. There you want to create a blooming fairyland. Now each group will choose three heroes whom they would like to settle in a new country. Also take trees, stones, flowers, houses - everything you need to create a fairyland. I will tell you a fairy tale, and while you listen, you will build a magical land on a piece of whatman paper.
(Children choose miniature figures of men and other necessary items.)
So, in one fairy-tale country, where there were fields and valleys, where rivers flowed, in a magical clearing of a fairy-tale forest lived magical inhabitants in three houses.
/children of each group attach their houses anywhere on a sheet of whatman paper, and next to all the other objects they chose./ They lived amicably and cheerfully.
One day, the magical inhabitants got bored of sitting in their houses, and they went for a walk through the magical forest. On the way, all the residents quarreled.
Before they had time to return home, heavy rain began to pour down as punishment for the quarrel. It rained for a long time. As a result, the rivers overflowed and divided the fairy-tale meadow into three parts by stormy rivers.
/the teacher draws lines with a black marker, separating the houses from each other/
How can the inhabitants of a fairy-tale meadow meet and make peace?
/Children are given 5 minutes to discuss, then each group offers their solution. Must be used:
- words of greeting
- words of apology
- facial expressions, gestures
- intonation
If they do not find a solution, or there is no such option, the teacher suggests building bridges of friendship across the rivers/
So the inhabitants of the fairy-tale land made peace. They held hands, danced and realized that together they could create miracles.
Teacher:
Was it difficult to play this game?
What was more difficult to do during the game?
What did this game teach us?
III Conclusion.
Exercise “Hand of a Friend”.
Teacher: “A quarrel does not lead to good things.” (Russian proverb); (slide)
At the end of our class hour, I invite you to join hands. At the same time, each participant must say good wishes out loud.
At the beginning of the lesson we chose the hearts that you liked. Now I ask you to do it again.
Literature:
- Dal V.I. Explanatory dictionary.
- Neyolova A. Fairy tale “The Thousand Flowers”
- Ushinsky K.D. The story “Together is crowded, but apart is boring”
- Cartoon “Luntik and his friends” episode 104 “Quarrel”
I use the exercise “Analysis of the scenario of quarrels that arise” in the course of therapy for those couples where quarrels occur regularly. Its purpose is to reduce the frequency and intensity of various quarrels, skirmishes and disputes. Quarrels according to a typical scenario arise when the behavior of one partner, adapted in childhood, collides with the childhood adaptation of the other, bringing mutual pain.
A couple of my clients, Jack and Deborah, even called their regular fights “three-hour fights” because they always lasted until three in the morning. These were not some heated fights with physical assault; it was a monotonous, exhausting confrontation that never ended in anything. After these “three hours” there was always a depression that lasted for several days.
After analyzing their quarrels, Jack and Deborah were able to identify in them what was present every time. Having reduced everything to this “common denominator,” they laughed, looking at themselves as if from the outside. But then sadness flashed through the discussion: “All this, of course, is funny, but there is nothing to be happy about,” said Jack. “If everything is so simple, then why do we fall into this trap again and again?”
Here is a typical scenario for their quarrels:
Act one. Five in the evening. Jack comes home from work and starts dodging Deborah's requests to do something for the family. This could be anything: a program of weekend activities, help around the house, sorting mail. Jack says every time that he will do everything, but not right away, since now he has a health jogging planned.
Act two. Jack goes jogging. Then, when he returns, a disgruntled Deborah is standing at the door and reminds him of what he promised to do. Jack agrees to fulfill his promise a little later.
Act three. Jack takes a shower. Deborah is not far behind and insists that he fulfill her request. He again promises to do everything that is necessary, only a little later.
Act four (the climax of the drama). Jack is resting in a chair. Deborah comes into the room and is furious. "Are you going to start doing this now, or are you going to be honest and say you're refusing? I hate your excuses!" - she exclaims. “No, I’m not refusing,” Jack replies. “But just don’t pester me now. I’m tired, I need to rest. There’s no rush - it’ll wait.” Jack starts solving the crossword puzzle and does not notice Deborah at all. She is close to hysterics. “I hate you!” she cries. “You never keep your promises. You never listen to me! I’m like a living robot for you, a housewife! You won’t get any love or affection from you!” Jack naively believes that her anger will subside on its own, and pointedly delves even deeper into the crossword puzzle. Then he can’t stand it, gets up and leaves the house.
Act five. Jack returns home a few hours later. He drank. Deborah attacks him again, swearing at him. The battle continues: Deborah's weapon is poisonous reproaches, Jack sarcastically snaps or remains silent. Gradually they both get tired of this and go to their corners in despair.
Now let's analyze this quarrel. In the language of psychologists, Jack can be called "passive-aggressive." He is angry with Deborah for interfering and trying to rebuild his life, invading his sovereign space. However, he is afraid to express his anger openly. He goes to "refuges": jogging, beer, crossword puzzles and the like. Deborah can be described as "aggressively aggressive." “She’s like a bulldog, she grabs onto you and doesn’t let go,” Jack says about her, and, oddly enough, there are notes of admiration in his voice. She is consistent in both getting what she wants and being angry. A recurring element of their arguments is that the more Deborah attacks, the more Jack retreats, and the more he retreats from her, the greater her sense of abandonment. Seeing Jack's passivity, she begins to fall into a state of panic because she is afraid of loneliness, and his inertia gives her the feeling that she is communicating not with a living being, but with some pale ghost without flesh.
I explained to Deborah and Jack that to end their confrontation, they should script this drama with a happy ending as they sat cuddling on the couch.
I convinced them that any departure from the traditional script would be constructive. Just their awareness of the possibility of writing this script is no small victory. At least, before entering into conflict, they can stop and say: “The same thing is happening again. Let’s reopen each other’s old wounds.” And it is enough for at least one of them to resist the temptation to behave as before in order to prevent a family scandal.
Here are a few possible options: Deborah can behave less aggressively, understanding his words: “There is no rush. He will wait.” After repeating her request once or twice, she will leave Jack alone. Maybe after some time he will actually get down to business.
In the new scenario, Jack can be given the role of a person with a more strong-willed character. If he does not approve of some of Deborah's plans, he will openly say: “No. I won’t do this. I don’t have time right now. I have my own things to do.” Deborah, of course, may be indignant, but if Jack insists on his opinion, she will take it more calmly. In the end, what matters to her is not that he shakes the garbage out of the vacuum cleaner, but that she wants to see a sensitive, living person in her husband.
Analysis of quarrel scenarios can be very useful, primarily because it allows you to isolate the most dangerous moments from them. Although neither this exercise nor the "Anger Container" eradicate the partners' underlying problems - the previously described "Character Stretch" exercise serves this purpose - it allows both spouses to reduce the destructive effects of anger.
