- Chapter 1. The fastest way to dig a grave for your own marital happiness.
Chapter 1. The fastest way to dig a grave for your own marital happiness.
Seventy-five years ago, the French Emperor Napoleon III, nephew of Napoleon Bonaparte, fell in love with the most beautiful woman in the world - Countess of Tebskaya, Maria Eugenia Ignacia Augustina de Montijo - and married her. His advisers insisted that she was just the daughter of an unknown Spanish count. However, Napoleon objected: “So what of this?” Her grace, youth, charm, beauty filled him with inexpressible bliss. In a speech delivered temperamentally from the throne, he challenged the entire nation: “I chose a woman whom I love and respect over a woman unknown to me.”
Napoleon and his bride had health, wealth, power, fame, beauty, love, mutual adoration - everything necessary for an ideal romance. Never has the sacred wedding fire burned more brightly.
But, alas, the sacred flame soon began to flicker and go out, the heat cooled, leaving behind only smoldering embers. Napoleon could make Eugenie empress, but nothing in all of beautiful France - neither the strength of his love, nor the power of his throne - could make her stop finding fault with her husband.
Tormented by jealousy, consumed by suspicion, she ignored his orders and did not allow him even the appearance of privacy. She invaded his office when he was busy with government affairs. She interrupted his most important negotiations. She did not leave him alone out of constant fear that he might get together with another woman.
She often ran to her sister and complained about her husband: she expressed dissatisfaction, cried, grumbled and threatened. Bursting into his office, she shouted at him and insulted him. Napoleon - the owner of a dozen magnificent palaces, the Emperor of France - could not find a corner to be alone with himself.
But what did Evgenia achieve with all this?
That's what. I quote from the exciting book by E. A. Reinhardt “Napoleon and Eugenia. Tragicomedy of an Empire”: “Thus, it came to the point that Napoleon, with a soft hat pulled down over his eyes, often sneaked out at night through a small side door, accompanied by one of his closest friends. He really went to some beautiful lady who was waiting for him, or, as in the old days, he simply wandered around the city, passing through streets that emperors only hear about in fairy tales, and breathed the atmosphere of missed opportunities."
This is what Evgenia achieved with her nagging. True, she sat on the throne of France. That's right, she was the most beautiful woman in the world. However, neither the imperial title nor beauty can keep love intact, in the poisonous suffocation of eternal nagging. Eugenia could, like the biblical Job once, mournfully exclaim: “What I was terrified of has befallen me.” Has it befallen her? She, poor woman, brought this upon herself with her jealousy and nagging.
Of all the sure-fire devices that the devils of hell have ever invented to destroy love, the deadliest are nagging. This technique never fails. Like the bite of a king cobra, it always poisons, always kills.
The wife of Count Leo Tolstoy discovered this when it was too late. Before her death, she confessed to her daughters: “I was the cause of your father’s death.” The daughters did not answer her anything to this. Both were crying. They knew: the mother was telling the truth. They knew that she killed her father with her eternal complaints, incessant criticism, and constant nagging.
Meanwhile, Count Tolstoy and his wife, by all accounts, should have been happy. He was one of the most famous writers of all time. His two masterpieces - "War and Peace" and "Anna Karenina" - will invariably shine as bright stars on the literary horizon of our planet.
Tolstoy was so famous that his fans followed him around day and night and wrote down every word he spoke. Everything was recorded, even such trivial expressions as: “I guess I’ll go to bed.” And now the Russian government is publishing a complete collection of his works, which will include every phrase he ever wrote, and which should amount to one hundred volumes.
In addition to fame, Tolstoy and his wife had wealth, social status, and children. No marriage has ever flourished in a more favorable environment. At first, their happiness seemed too cloudless, too complete to last long. Therefore, kneeling next to each other, they prayed to Almighty God to prolong their bliss.
Then an amazing thing happened. Tolstoy gradually changed and became a completely different person. He began to be ashamed of the wonderful books he had created and devoted himself to writing journalistic articles in which he preached peace and the elimination of wars and poverty.
This man, who once confessed that in his youth he had committed every sin imaginable—even murder—tried to follow the teachings of Jesus in the most literal way. He gave away all the land that belonged to him and led the life of a poor man: he worked in the fields, chopped wood, collected hay, made his own shoes, swept his room, ate from a wooden bowl and tried to love his enemies.
Leo Tolstoy's life was a tragedy, and the cause of this tragedy was his marriage. His wife loved luxury, but he despised it. She longed for fame and honor, but for him these vain things meant nothing. She strove for money and wealth, but he believed that having wealth and private property was sinful.
For years she nagged him, scolded him, and created scandals because he insisted on giving publishers the right to print his works without paying him any royalties. She wanted to receive money for his books.
When he contradicted her, she became hysterical, rolling on the floor with a bottle of opium at her mouth, swearing that she would commit suicide and threatening to throw herself into the well.
One event in their lives seems to me to be almost the most touching scene in all of human history. As I already noted, they were cloudlessly happy when they got married. But now, forty-eight years later, he could barely stand her. Sometimes in the evenings this old, grief-stricken wife, longing for warmth, knelt before him and asked him to read aloud to her the charming lines full of love for her, which he dedicated to her in his diary fifty years ago. And they both cried when he read about those beautiful, happy days gone forever. How different, how sharply different the reality of life was from their former romantic dreams!
And finally, when Tolstoy was eighty-two years old, he could no longer bear the tragedy of his family life, and so one snowy October night in 1910 he ran away from his wife - he ran into the cold and darkness, not knowing where he was going.
Eleven days later, Tolstoy died at a small railway station from pneumonia. And his dying request was not to allow his wife to come near him.
Such was the price that Countess Tolstaya paid for her nagging, complaints and hysterics.
Perhaps the reader will think that she had sufficient grounds for dissatisfaction. Agree. However, this is beside the point. The question boils down to this: did the nagging help her, or did it infinitely worsen an already difficult situation?
“I really think I was crazy,” Countess Tolstaya came to this conclusion when it was already too late.
The great tragedy in Abraham Lincoln's life was also his marriage. Keep in mind - not his murder, but his marriage. After Booth's shooting, Lincoln had no time to realize that he had been killed, but he reaped almost daily for twenty-three years what his partner, the lawyer Herndon, described as "the bitter fruits of marital dysfunction." "Marital Trouble"? This is putting it too mildly. For almost a quarter of a century, Mrs. Lincoln nagged and harassed her husband.
She endlessly expressed her dissatisfaction with him, and always criticized him - everything about him, in her opinion, was not as it should be. He stooped and walked awkwardly: when moving his legs, he, like the Indians, did not bend them at the knees. She complained that there was no spring in his gait, no grace in his movements. She mimicked his manner of holding himself and demanded that he walk with his feet toes down, as she had been taught at Madame Mantel's boarding house in Lexington.
She didn't like the way his huge ears stuck out at right angles to his head. She even reproached him for the fact that his nose was not straight and his lower lip protruded, that he looked like a consumptive patient, that his arms and legs were too large and his head too small.
Abraham Lincoln and Mary Todd Lincoln were opposites in every way: in upbringing, origin, temperament, inclinations and worldview. They constantly annoyed each other.
The late Senator Albert J. Beveridge, the most eminent Lincoln scholar of our generation, wrote: “Mrs. Lincoln’s loud, shrill voice could be heard across the street, and her constant outbursts of anger were known to everyone who lived nearby. Often her anger found expression not only in words, “many completely reliable stories about her violent antics have come down to us.”
Here is one such case. Soon after the wedding, Lincoln and his wife settled in Springfield with Mrs. Jacob Earley, a doctor's widow forced to keep boarders. One morning, while Mr. and Mrs. Lincoln were having breakfast, Lincoln did something that irritated his wife. What exactly he did, no one will know now. However, Mrs. Lincoln, in a fit of rage, threw a cup of hot coffee in her husband's face. And this happened in the presence of other boarders.
Lincoln didn't tell her anything. He sat humiliated and quiet while Mrs. Early wiped his face and clothes with a wet towel.
Mrs. Lincoln's jealousy was so unreasonable, so violent and incredible, that just reading the accounts of some of the heartbreaking, shameful scenes she inflicted on her husband in public, just reading them after the lapse of seventy-five years, makes readers open their mouths in amazement. In the end, she went crazy, and perhaps the most merciful thing that can be said about her is that her character was, in all likelihood, formed under the influence of the madness that was emerging in her.
Did all these nagging, reproaches and frantic antics of his wife change Lincoln? In one respect, yes, they have changed. They definitely changed his feelings for her. They made him regret his unhappy marriage and avoid her presence as much as possible.
There were eleven lawyers living in Springfield, and there wasn't enough work for all of them. Therefore, they usually rode horseback from one town to another, following Judge David Davis to attend court hearings in various localities in the county. Thus, they were able to get work in all the local courts that were part of the Eighth Judicial District.
Other lawyers always managed to return to Springfield every Saturday and spend the end of the week with their families. But Lincoln didn't do that. He was afraid to go home and for three months of the spring and three months of the fall he was on the road, never approaching Springfield.
He did this year after year. Often living conditions in provincial hotels were very poor. However, with all this, he preferred to endure inconveniences than to live in his own house, subjected to constant nagging from Mrs. Lincoln and unbridled outbursts of her anger.
Such are the results which Mrs. Lincoln, the Empress Eugenie, and Countess Tolstoy achieved by their treatment of their husbands. This behavior brought only tragedy into their lives and destroyed what was most dear to them.
Bessie Hamburger, who worked in New York domestic relations court for eleven years and has handled thousands of cases of husbands leaving the home, says one of the main reasons is nagging wives. Or, as the Boston Post writes, “more than one wife has dug the grave of her own marital happiness, little by little, deepening it.”
No need, no need to find fault!!!
Chapter 2. Love and let live
Disraeli said: "I may make many mistakes in my life, but I will never marry for love."
So he did. He remained a bachelor until he was thirty-five, and then proposed to a wealthy widow fifteen years his senior—a widow whose hair had turned white during her fifty winters. Was it love? Oh no. She knew he didn't love her. She knew he married her for her money! Therefore, she set one condition for him: she asked him to wait a year in order to give her the opportunity to study his character. And at the end of this period she married him.
Sounds quite prosaic, quite mercantile, doesn’t it? And yet, paradoxically, Disraeli's marriage turned out to be one of the most brilliant successes in all the annals of matrimony, which contain so many banal, sordid tales.
The rich widow whom Disraeli chose had neither youth, nor beauty, nor a brilliant mind. In conversation, she made ridiculous mistakes, indicating her extreme ignorance in the field of literature and history. For example, she “did not know who came first, the Greeks or the Romans.” She had a quaint taste in toilets, and her idea of proper home furnishings was eccentric. However, she was a genius, a true genius at what is most important in marriage - the art of treating men.
She did not try to pit her intellect against Disraeli's. When he came home after hours of boring and exhausting wits with witty duchesses, Mary Anne's frivolous chatter allowed him to relax. Home, to his increasing satisfaction, was a place where he could find peace of mind and enjoy Mary Ann's adoration. The hours he spent here with his aging wife were the happiest of his life. She was his friend, confidante and adviser. Every evening he hurried home from the House of Commons to tell her everything that had happened during the day. And no matter what he undertook, he felt the support of Mary Ann, he simply did not believe that he could fail - and this was so important.
For thirty years, Mary Anne lived for Disraeli and him alone. She even valued her wealth only because it made his life easier. In response to this, he made her his heroine. He became a count after her death. However, even while he was a mere mortal, he persuaded Queen Victoria to elevate his wife to the peerage. And in 1868 she received the title Viscountess Beaconsfield.
No matter how stupid or frivolous she seemed in public, he never criticized her. He never uttered a word of reproach to her, and if anyone dared to laugh at her, he fiercely rushed to her defense.
Mary Anne was not perfect, and yet, for three decades, she never tired of talking about her husband, praising him and admiring him. What did this lead to? “We were married for thirty years,” said Disraeli, “and I was never bored with her.” (Meanwhile, some believed that since Mary Ann did not know history, she could not help but be stupid!)
For his part, Disraeli never hid the fact that Mary Anne was the most precious thing he had in his life. What was the result of this? Mary Ann often repeated to family friends: “Thanks to his kindness, my life has been one of endless happiness.”
They liked to joke a little among themselves. “You know,” Disraeli will say, “I married you because of your money.” And Mary Ann, smiling, will answer: “Yes, but if you had to do it again, you would marry me for love, wouldn’t you?”
And he agreed with her.
No, Mary Anne was not perfect. However, Disraeli was smart enough to allow her to be herself.
Henry James stated: “The first thing to learn in relationships with other people is that they cannot be prevented from being happy in the way they want, unless it prevents us from being happy in the way we want.” ".
This statement is important enough to bear repeating: “The first thing to learn in relationships with other people is that they should not be prevented from being happy—the way they want to be happy...”
Or, as Leland Foster Wood notes in his book Growing Up Together in the Family: “A successful marriage is about much more than the ability to find the right person; it is also the ability to be that person yourself.”
Don't try to change your spouse.
Chapter 3: Do this and you'll have to go to Reno for a divorce.
Disraeli's bitter rival in public life was the great Gladstone. These two figures disagreed on all controversial issues related to the management of the empire, but they had one thing in common: cloudless happiness in their personal lives.
William and Catherine Gladstone lived together for fifty-nine years, almost six decades, warmed by the warmth of unfailing mutual devotion. I like to picture Gladstone, that most worthy of England's Prime Ministers, clasping his wife's hand and dancing with her before the fireplace, singing:
A ragamuffin husband and a daring wife -
We will be together in joy and sorrow.
A formidable opponent in public affairs, Gladstone never criticized his family. When he came down to breakfast in the morning and found the rest of the family still asleep, he would find a polite way to show them his displeasure. He raised his voice and filled the house with a mysterious, mournful singing that reminded his loved ones that the busiest man in England was waiting alone downstairs for his breakfast. Diplomatic and attentive to people, he refrained from criticism even in the family circle.
Catherine II often acted in the same way. She ruled one of the world's largest empires. She controlled the life and death of millions of her subjects. Politically, she often showed herself to be a cruel tyrant, leading useless warriors and condemning dozens of her opponents to death. However, when the cook's meat burned, she did not say anything. She smiled and ate with the kind of tolerance that the average American husband would do well to display.
A recognized authority in America on the causes of unhappy marriages, Dorothy Dicke, states that more than fifty percent of all marriages fail. And she knows that one of the reasons so many romantic dreams end in divorce in Reno is criticism—useless, boring criticism.
And if you are tempted to criticize children... you think I will say: don't criticize. However, I won't do this. I just want to say that before you criticize children, read one of the classic works of American journalism, A Father's Remorse. It originally appeared as an editorial in the People's Home Journal. With the permission of the author, we reproduce here this article in the condensed form in which it appeared in the Reader's Digest magazine.
“A Father’s Repentance” is one of those small works, written in a moment of sincere spiritual uplift, that touches a sensitive chord in the hearts of so many readers that they become the subject of constant reprinting. Since its first publication some fifteen years ago, "A Father's Repentance" has been reproduced, as its author W. Livingston Larned puts it, "in hundreds of magazines and trade publications, and in newspapers in all parts of the country. It is almost as widely published in many foreign languages. I have personally given permission to thousands of people to read it in schools, churches and lecture halls. It has been broadcast countless times on various radio programs. Oddly enough, it has been used by college periodicals and high school magazines. Sometimes "Small works have an unfathomable success. This article certainly did."
W. Livingston Larned
Father's repentance
"Listen, son. I say these words while you sleep, your small hand tucked under your cheek, and your curly blond hair stuck together on your damp forehead. I crept into your room alone. A few minutes ago, when I was sitting in the library and I was reading the newspaper, a heavy wave of remorse washed over me. I came to your bed with a consciousness of my guilt.
That's what I was thinking, son: I took my bad mood out on you. I scolded you when you were getting dressed to go to school because you just touched your face with a wet towel. I scolded you for not cleaning your shoes. I yelled at you angrily when you asked for some of your clothes on the floor.
I also nagged at you at breakfast. You spilled the tea. You greedily swallowed the food. You rested your elbows on the table. You buttered the bread too thickly. And then, when you went to play, and I was hurrying to catch the train, you turned around, waved to me and shouted: “Bye, dad!” - He frowned and answered: “Straighten your shoulders!”
Then, at the end of the day, it all started again. Walking on the way home, I noticed you on your knees playing with marbles. There were holes in your stockings. I humiliated you in front of your comrades by forcing you to walk home ahead of me. Stockings are expensive - and if you had to buy them with your own money, you would be more careful! Just imagine, son, what your father said!
Do you remember how you then entered the library where I was reading, timidly, with pain in your eyes? When I glanced at you over the newspaper, irritated at being interrupted, you stopped hesitantly at the door. "What do you need?" - I asked sharply.
You didn’t answer, but impulsively rushed to me, hugged me by the neck and kissed me. Your hands squeezed me with the love that God put in your heart, and which even my neglect could not dry up. And then you left, stomping up the stairs.
So, son, soon after that the newspaper slipped out of my hands, and a terrible, sickening fear took possession of me. What did habit do to me? The habit of nagging and scolding - this was my reward for you for being a little boy. It’s impossible to say that I didn’t love you, the whole point is that I expected too much from my youth and measured you by the standard of my own years.
And there is so much healthy, beautiful and sincere in your character. Your little heart is as big as the sunrise over the distant hills. This was manifested in your spontaneous impulse when you rushed to me to kiss me before going to bed. Nothing else matters today, son. I came to your crib in the dark and, ashamed, knelt before you!
This is weak atonement. I know you wouldn't understand these things if I told you all this when you woke up. But tomorrow I will be a real father! I will be your friend, suffer when you suffer, and laugh when you laugh. I will bite my tongue when an irritated word is about to escape. I will constantly repeat like a spell: “He’s only a boy, a little boy!”
I'm afraid that in my mind I saw you as a grown man. However, now, when I see you, son, wearily huddled in your crib, I understand that you are still a child. Just yesterday you were in your mother’s arms and your head was lying on her shoulder. I demanded too much, too much."
Don't criticize.
Chapter 4. Fast way make everyone happy.
Paul Popenow, director of the Institute of Family Relations in Los Angeles, says: “Most men, when choosing a wife, are not looking for a housekeeper, but someone attractive who is ready to please their vanity and make them feel superior. Therefore, a woman in charge of the office may one day be invited for breakfast. However, it is quite possible that she will present to her companion fragments of lectures “on the main trends in modern philosophy” still preserved in her memory, and will even insist on paying her own bill. As a result, she will then have breakfast alone.
In contrast, a typist without a higher education, being invited to breakfast, will fix an incendiary gaze on her companion and say languidly: “Now tell me something else about yourself.” What will be the result? He will tell his friends that "she's not crazy beautiful, but I've never met a better person to talk to."
Men need to show women that they appreciate their efforts to look good and dress appropriately. All men forget, if they ever realized it, how deeply women are interested in clothes. For example, if a man and a woman meet another man and woman on the street, the woman will rarely look at that man. Usually she will look at how the woman is dressed.
My grandmother died a few years ago at the age of 98. Shortly before her death, we showed her a photograph of her taken a third of a century ago. Her weakening eyes could not get a good look at the photograph, and the only question she asked was: “What dress was I wearing?” Just think! On the verge of death, an old woman, bedridden, worn out by almost a hundred years of existence, a woman with such a weak memory that she was no longer able to recognize even her own daughters, was still interested in the way she was dressed, a third of a century ago! I was at her bedside when she asked this question. He made an indelible impression on me.
The men reading this can't remember what suits or shirts they wore five years ago, and they have no desire to remember. But women are not like that, and we American men need to realize that. French boys from the upper classes are taught not once, but many times during the evening to express their admiration for a lady's dress and hat. And fifty million Frenchmen cannot be wrong!
Among my newspaper clippings there is one that tells a story that I know never happened, but it illustrates a truth, so I will repeat it.
It says that one peasant woman, after a hard day of work, placed a large armful of hay in front of her men. And when they indignantly asked if she had gone crazy, she replied: “Well, how could I know that you would pay attention to this? I have been preparing food for you men for twenty years now, and during all this time You haven’t given me a word to understand that you’re not eating hay!”
The spoiled Russian aristocracy of Moscow and St. Petersburg had excellent manners. IN Tsarist Russia Among the upper classes there was a custom of insisting, after a good dinner, that a cook be brought into the dining room, whom they congratulated on a successful dish.
Why don't you show the same attention to your own wife? Next time she makes delicious fried chicken, tell her so. Let her know that you appreciate the fact that you are not eating hay. Or, as Texan Guinan used to say, “give the little girl a standing ovation.”
And when you're about to do this, don't be afraid to let her know how much she means to your happiness. Disraeli was the greatest statesman England has ever had, but he, as we have already seen, was not ashamed to let the whole world know how much he “owed to his little wife.”
While looking through a magazine the other day, I came across the following excerpt from an interview with Eddie Cantor:
“I owe more to my wife than anyone else in the world,” says Eddie Cantor. “She was my best friend when I was a boy; she helped me go on the right path. And after we got married, she saved every dollar, everything.” by putting it into the business again and again. She has made a fortune for me. We have five wonderful children. And she has always made me a wonderful home. If I become anything, credit it to her."
In Hollywood, where marriage is a risk that even Lloyd's of London would not take, one of the few extremely happy marriages is that of the Baxter couple. Mrs. Baxter, formerly Winifred Bryson, abandoned her brilliant artistic career after getting married. However, she never allowed this sacrifice of hers to darken their happiness. “She lost the applause for her success on the stage,” says Warner Baxter, “but I tried to make sure that she had complete confidence in my applause. If a woman is to find happiness at all in her husband, then she must find this happiness in his gratitude and affection. When this gratitude and affection is real, they serve as a guarantee of his happiness."
Express your sincere gratitude to each other.
Chapter 5. It means so much to a woman.
Since time immemorial, flowers have been considered a symbol of love. They are inexpensive; especially in season, and they are often sold on street corners. However, given how rare it is for the average husband to bring home a bouquet of yellow daffodils, one might assume that they are as expensive as orchids and as difficult to obtain as the edelweiss that grows on cloud-shrouded alpine peaks.
Why wait until your wife is in the hospital to give her some flowers? Why not bring her some roses tomorrow evening? You like to experiment. Try this and see what happens.
Despite his busy career on Broadway, George M. Cohen usually called his mother twice a day on the phone until her death. Do you think he had amazing news for her every time? No, the point of these small signs of attention is that they show the person you love that you are thinking about him, want to please him and that his happiness and well-being are very dear and close to your heart.
Women attach great importance to dates - birthdays and various anniversaries, and why exactly - this will forever remain one of women's secrets. The average person can live a lifetime without remembering many dates, but a few are definitely worth remembering: 1492, 1776, his wife's birthday, and the year and day of his wedding. As a last resort, he can even do without the first two dates, but not without the last!
Chicago Judge Joseph Sabbat, who has heard forty thousand matrimonial disputes and reconciled two thousand couples, says: “In most cases, the basis of marital discord lies in trifles. Something as simple as the custom of waving goodbye to the husband when he leaves for work in the morning has prevented there would be a considerable number of divorces."
Robert Browning, living together whose relationship with Elizabeth Barrett Browning was perhaps the most idyllic we know, was never too busy to support the love with small gifts and attentions. He treated his sick wife with such care that she once wrote to her sisters: “And now I naturally begin to wonder whether I am not, after all, something like a real angel.”
Too many men underestimate these small, everyday signs of affection. In an article in the Pictorial Review, Gaynor Maddox wrote: “The American family does need a few new vices. Breakfast in bed, for example, is one of those sweet indulgences that more women should indulge in. For a woman, breakfast in bed is almost the same as a private club for men."
Ultimately, marriage is nothing more than a series of mundane episodes. And woe to those married couples who do not take this circumstance into account. Edna St. Vincent Millay once summed up this idea in one of her short poems:
My days are darkened not because love is gone
And the fact that she left little by little.
These lines are worth remembering. In Reno, courts are divorcing people six days a week, with one out of every ten marriages being dissolved. How many of these marriages do you think failed as a result of genuine tragedy? I guarantee that it is extremely small. If you could be there day after day, listening to the testimony of these unfortunate husbands and wives, you would understand that their love "was gone little by little."
Now take out your pocket knife and cut out the following quote. Stick it inside your hat or on your mirror where you can see it every morning while you shave:
“I will walk this path only once. So let me now do some worthy deed or show kindness towards some human being. May I not delay or miss the opportunity to do it, for on this path I will never I won't go through anymore."
Show each other small signs of attention.
Chapter 6. If you want to be happy, do not neglect this rule.
Walter Damrosch married the daughter of one of the greatest American orators, who was at one time a presidential candidate, James J. Elaine. Since meeting many years ago in Scotland at the home of Andrew Carnegie, the Damroches' lives have been particularly happy.
What was their secret?
“On a par with being careful when choosing a spouse,” says Mrs. Damrosch, “I put polite behavior after marriage. If only young wives were as polite to their husbands as they are polite to strangers! Any man will run away from a grumpy wife.” .
Rudeness is the cancer that eats away love. Everyone knows this, and yet it is well known that we treat strangers more politely than we treat our loved ones.
We wouldn't dream of interrupting a stranger and exclaiming, "Oh my God, are you going to tell that old story again!" It would never occur to us to open our friends' mail without permission or pry into their personal secrets. And only members of our own family, that is, the people closest and dearest to us, we dare to insult for trifling mistakes.
To quote Dorothy Dicke again: “It is a striking fact that virtually the only people who say unpleasant, offensive, and hurtful things to us are the people in our household.”
Henry Clay Risner states: “Politeness is a quality of soul in which one does not notice a broken gate, but pays attention to the flowers behind the gate in the yard.”
Polite behavior is as important to a marriage as lubricant is to an engine.
The creator of the beloved image of the “autocrat at the morning breakfast,” the writer Oliver Wendell Holmes, was anything but an autocrat in his own home. He was so considerate and self-possessed that, falling into a gloomy and depressed state, he tried to hide his melancholy from the rest of the family. He himself felt bad enough about this condition, he explained, to make others suffer from it as well.
This is what Oliver Wendell Holmes did. What can you say about a mere mortal? Things are going poorly at work; he missed out on a deal or was reprimanded by his boss. She has a terrible headache, or he was late for the train, which left at 17:15. And he can't wait to get home - so he can take it out on his family.
In Holland, before entering the house, people leave their shoes at the doorstep. I swear, we should take a lesson from the Dutch and shake off the day's work worries before entering our home.
William James once wrote an essay he called "On a Kind of Human Blindness." It’s worth making a special trip to your nearest library to pick it up and read it. James writes: “The human blindness, then, which is discussed in this treatise, is that blindness with which we are all afflicted in respect to the senses of living beings and people different from ourselves.”
"The blindness that affects us all." Many who would never think of speaking harshly to a client or even their business partners will not hesitate to yell at their wife. Meanwhile, for their personal happiness, marital well-being is much more important and significant than their business relationships.
The average person who is happily married is much happier than the genius who lives alone. The great Russian writer Turgenev enjoyed recognition throughout the civilized world. And yet he said that he would give up his talent and all his books if only there was a woman nearby who would worry about him not being late for dinner.
Be that as it may, what are the chances of finding happiness in marriage? As we said, Dorothy Dicke believes that more than half of marriages fail, but Dr. Paul Popenow thinks differently. He says: "A man has a better chance of succeeding in marriage than in any other enterprise he can undertake. Of all the people who decide to go into the grocery business, seventy percent fail. And of those men and women who marry , seventy percent succeed."
Dorothy Dicke sums it up this way.
“Compared to marriage,” she notes, “birth is just an episode in our lives, and death is an ordinary event.
No woman will ever understand why a man does not make the same efforts to improve his family life as he does to achieve success in his business or profession.
However, although a satisfied wife and a peaceful, happy family life mean more to a man than a million dollars, not one in a hundred men ever really thinks seriously about how to ensure the success of their marriage and makes no real effort to do so. He leaves the most important things in his life to chance, and wins or loses. Depending on how the circumstances turn out for him. Women can never understand why their husbands do not want to treat them diplomatically, but it is much more profitable for them to use the velvet glove method than to use a firm hand.
Every man knows that if you approach his wife with affection, she will do anything and do without anything. He knows that a few compliments that cost him nothing, a few words about what a good housewife she is, how well she helps him, will make her save every cent. Every man knows that if he tells his wife that she looks breathtakingly beautiful in her dress from last year, she will not exchange that dress for the latest from Paris. Every man knows that by kissing his wife in the eyes, he can close them to her for very, very many things, making her blind, like bat, and that it is enough for him to kiss her hotly on the lips for her to become dumb as a fish.
And every wife knows that her husband knows all this about her because she herself provided him with exhaustive information about how she should be treated in order to achieve his goal. And she will never know whether to be angry with him or resent him. Because he would rather quarrel with her and receive poorly prepared food for it, he would rather agree that she would squander his money. He will buy her new dresses, cars and pearls, he would rather do all this than take care of flattering her a little and treating her as she asks.”
Be careful.
Chapter 7. Do not be illiterate in matters of marital relations.
The Secretary General of the Bureau of Social Hygiene, Dr. Catherine Beament Davis, once persuaded a thousand married women to answer a number of intimate questions quite frankly. The result was amazing. It showed the average American's sexual dissatisfaction. After carefully reading the responses received from these thousands of married women, Dr. Davis stated in print her firm belief that one of the leading causes of divorce in the United States is physical incompatibility between the spouses.
An examination conducted by Dr. J. W. Hamilton confirms this conclusion. For four years, Dr. Hamilton studied the married lives of one hundred men and one hundred women. He asked these men and women separately about four hundred questions about their married lives and discussed their problems with them so exhaustively that the entire examination took four years. Dr. Hamilton's work was considered so sociologically protracted that it was funded by a group of leading philanthropists. The results of this research can be found in the book "Why Marriages Fail?" by J. W. Hamilton and Kenneth McGowan. (Ceoge S.W. Hamilton, Kenneth Macgowan. What's Wrong with Marriage?).
What is the reason for the failures? “Only a very prejudiced and self-confident psychiatrist,” says Dr. Hamilton, “can assert that most marital troubles are not the result of sexual disharmony. In any case, troubles arising from other difficulties would very, very often be ignored if they themselves sexual relations were satisfactory."
As director of the Family Relations Institute in Los Angeles, Dr. Paul Popenow has seen thousands of marriages; he is one of the largest American experts on seed life. According to Dr. Popenoe, marriages typically break up for four reasons. He places them in the following order:
- Sexual disharmony.
- Differences of opinion regarding how to spend leisure time.
- Financial difficulties.
- Mental, physical or emotional disorders.
Please note that the sexual issue comes first, and financial difficulties, oddly enough, only take third place.
All divorce experts agree that sexual compatibility is absolutely a necessary condition well-being of marriage. For example, a few years ago, a member of the Cincinnati Domestic Relations Court, Hoffman, a man who had listened to thousands of family tragedies, stated: “Nine out of every ten divorces are caused by problems of a sexual nature.”
Renowned psychologist John B. Watson says: "Sex is, admittedly, the most important thing in human life. It is generally acknowledged that it is the cause of the collapse of the marital happiness of men and women in most cases."
A number of practitioners who have spoken to students in my courses have actually stated the same thing. Isn’t it unfortunate that now, in the 20th century, when we have at our disposal a large number of relevant literature and when we are all educated people, marriages are dissolved and people's lives are ruined due to our ignorance regarding this most basic and natural instinct?
Rev. Oliver M. Butterfield, a Methodist minister for eighteen years, left the pulpit to take charge of the Marriage Counseling Service in New York City; this shepherd, who apparently had the opportunity to marry many young people, says:
“My previous experience as a priest has long convinced me that, despite their romantic views and good intentions, many couples who appear at the wedding altar are illiterate in matters of marital relations.”
Illiterate in matters of marital relations!
He then continues: “When one considers that we so often leave the extremely complex matter of regulating marriage relations to chance, one can only be amazed that the divorce rate is only sixteen percent. A monstrously large number of men and women are not actually married, although not divorced: they live in a kind of purgatory."
To help young people make this kind of planning, Dr. Butterfield has for many years insisted that all the couples he marries openly discuss their future plans with him. As a result of precisely such conversations, he came to the conclusion that many of the “high contracting parties” are “illiterate in matters of marital relations.”
“Sexual relations,” says Dr. Butter Field, “are only one of many factors that give satisfaction in marriage, but if it is not in order, then nothing else can be in order.”
How can you make sure they are okay?
"The place of sentimental reticence (I continue to quote Dr. Butterfield) must be taken by the ability to objectively and dispassionately discuss the attitude of the parties to marital life and their behavior in it. The best way to acquire such a skill is to read a serious and tactfully written book on the subject. I, always In addition to my booklet "Marriage and Sexual Harmony" (Oliver M. Butterfield. Marriage and Sexi Harmony), I keep a number of such books on hand.
It seems to me that of all the books available to us this kind, the next three are most suitable for a wide range of readers: Isabel E. Hutton. The Sex Technique in Marriage, Max Exier. The Sexual Side of Marriage and Helena Wright, "The Sex Factor in Marriage."
Find out about sex life from books? Why not? Several years ago, Columbia University, in conjunction with the American Social Hygiene Association, invited leading educators to discuss the sexual and marital problems of college students. At that meeting, Dr. Paul Popenow said, "Divorce rates are going down. And one of the reasons for this is that people are reading more authoritative books on sex and marriage."
Therefore, I sincerely believe that I have no right to end this section without citing the following list of books that frankly and scientifically cover this serious problem:
Doctor of Medicine Theodor Hendrik Van de Velde. Ideal Marriage. Prominent doctors recommend this book as one of the best on the subject of marriage and sexual relationships.
Mary Ware Dennet. The Sex Side of Life. Explanations addressed to young people.
Doctor of Medicine M.J. Exner "The Sexual Side of Marriage" (M.J. Exner. The Sexual Side of Marriage). A serious and tactful presentation of the sexual problems of marriage.
Marie C. Slopes. Married Love. The book frankly discusses marital relationships.
Ernest R. Groves, Gladys H. Groves. Sex in Marriage. The book contains extensive information on this issue.
Ernest R. Groves. Preparation for Marriage.
In the June 1933 issue of American Magazine, Emmett Crozier published an article, “Why Do Marriages Fail?” The questionnaire adapted from this article is reproduced below. You may find it useful to answer these questions by giving yourself ten points whenever you can answer in the affirmative.
For husbands
- Do you continue to look after your wife, do you bring her flowers from time to time, do you remember her birthday, your wedding anniversary, do you show her unexpected signs of attention, do you suddenly show tenderness?
- Are you always careful not to criticize her in front of strangers?
- Do you give her money other than for housekeeping so she can spend it entirely as she pleases?
- Are you trying to understand a woman's mood swings and help her during periods of fatigue, nervousness and irritability?
- Do you spend at least half of your free time with your wife?
- Do you have the tact to refrain from comparing the way your wife cooks and runs a household with the way your mother or the wife of one Bill Jones does it, unless such a comparison is in your wife's favor?
- Do you take a clear interest in her intellectual life, her clubs and societies, the books she reads, and her views on social issues?
- Are you able to let her dance and receive friendly attention from other men without becoming jealous?
- Do you take every opportunity to praise her and express your admiration for her?
- Do you thank her for the little services she does for you, like sewing on buttons, darning socks, and sending your clothes to the cleaners?
For wives
- Do you give your husband complete freedom in his official affairs, do you refrain from criticizing his colleagues, his choice of secretary and his daily routine?
- Are you doing everything in your power to make your home interesting and attractive?
- Do you diversify your home menu so that when your husband sits down to the table, he never knows what to expect?
- Do you understand enough about your husband's work to discuss it with him and help him with your advice?
- Are you able to bravely and cheerfully endure financial difficulties without criticizing your husband for his mistakes or making unfavorable comparisons with more successful people?
- Do you make a special effort to get along with his mother or other relatives?
- Do you dress according to your husband's tastes in terms of the color and style of your dresses?
- Do you make concessions in the interest of maintaining agreement when there are minor differences of opinion?
- Are you trying to learn the games your husband likes so that you can spend his free hours with him?
- Do you keep up with current events, new books, and new ideas to keep your husband's intellectual interest in you?
So, rule seven for “how to make your family life happier” says:
Read a good book about the sexual side of married life.
Summary
Seven rules that, if followed, will make your family life happier
Rule 1. No need to find fault.
Rule 2. Don't try to change your spouse.
Rule 3: Don't criticize.
Rule 4. Express your sincere gratitude to each other.
Rule 5. Show each other small signs of attention.
Rule 6: Be proactive.
Rule 7. Read a good book about the sexual side of married life.
(1955-11-01 ) (66 years old)Dale Breckenridge Carnegie(English) Dale Breckenridge Carnegie, up to a year - Carnagey; November 24 - November 1) - American educator, psychologist, writer. He stood at the origins of the creation of the theory of communication, translating the scientific developments of psychologists of that time into the practical field, developing his own concept of conflict-free and successful communication. Developed psychological courses on self-improvement, skills effective communication, performances and others. His books remain popular to this day. Dale Carnegie believed that there are no bad people in the world, but only unpleasant circumstances that can be dealt with, and it is not worth spoiling the lives and mood of others because of them.
Biography
Works
Criticism of the manipulative type of communication
- Shostrom, Everett. Anti-Carnegie, or manipulator. Per. from English TPC "Polifact", Minsk, Moscow. ed. group, 1992.
- Dronov Mikhail. Communication talent. Dale Carnegie, or Abba Dorotheos? M.: “New Book”, “Ark”, 1998.
Notes
Links
- Dale Carnegie in the Maxim Moshkov library - books
- Dale Carnegie (English) on the website Internet Movie Database- biography
Categories:
- Personalities in alphabetical order
- Born on November 24
- Born in 1888
- Deaths on November 1
- Died in 1955
- Born in Missouri
- Deaths in New York
- US Writers
- Died from lymphoma
- Popular psychology
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Back in the middle of the 20th century, the American psychologist and publicist Carnegie Dale, in his book “How to Win Friends and Influence People,” described seven simple rules for a happy marriage.
Rule #1. Never, under any circumstances, should you find fault or nag your spouse.
As paradoxical as it sounds, it is the eternal reproaches and nagging that can destroy even the strongest marriage. But for some reason, most people mistakenly believe that their other half will definitely become better if they constantly reproach them. It won't! And moreover, due to constant scandals, a person can become worse than he really is.
Rule #2. Never try to change your chosen one.
It's useless. Each person has his own set of advantages and disadvantages. It is better to focus on the positive qualities of your loved one.
Rule #3. No criticism.
Not a single person, being of sound mind and sound memory, will tolerate criticism addressed to him. Criticism is the surest way to kill a good relationship.
Rule #4. Sincere gratitude is the best way to prolong a relationship.
Why are women so eager to look good and men so eager to achieve career heights? Everyone wants appreciation. But everyday life often discolors everything, and now what once caused a storm of delight is taken for granted. And routine is a terrible enemy of family happiness. Be grateful to each other, and do not ignore pleasant little things.
Rule #6. Be considerate with your life partner.
A kind word is also pleasant for a cat, and a careful and considerate attitude towards a life partner is an integral part of a happy marriage. Any man knows that an affectionate and reverent attitude towards his beloved makes a woman blossom. And women know very well that softness and tenderness make men turn a blind eye to some sins.
Rule #7. Focus on the sexual side.
So many books, articles and magazines have been written on this topic, but in most families this issue leaves much to be desired. Disharmony in sexual relationships is not the rarest cause of family breakdown. Unfortunately, most young people, despite enormous amounts of information, remain illiterate in bed matters.
You should not hush up about any problems or inconveniences. The best way is to tactfully discuss issues of concern with your significant other or contact a specialist in this field.
It is worth remembering that passion passes over time, giving way to stronger feelings or driving people in different directions. In any case, keep long family relationships will depend on each person.
Family happiness is a relative thing. Everyone understands it differently. But still, in order to feel inner harmony and satisfaction with life, you need to know a few secrets.
Dale Carnegie, a famous American teacher and psychologist, will tell you how not to turn family life into torture.
Get to know your partner
The main thing you should know when getting married is your partner. What he likes and what he doesn’t, what bothers him, and what is his weak point. Ignorance of these basic things is dangerous. You got married, so you live here and now, don’t allow new life ghosts of lost love. Don't worry about what you don't have, appreciate what you have. Don't be upset over trifles, life is too short. Forget about them. Learn to see the positive side of every event.
Don't redo it
Under no circumstances try to change your partner; the temptation to do this arises very often, especially among women. Do not try to change your partner, be a suitable partner yourself, because the king will only be next to the queen.
Avoid Conflicts
Avoid hostility and conflict. Don't impose your opinion. Try to look at the situation from the other person's point of view. Try to ensure that love and the desire for another person’s happiness remain more than just a desire. Be attentive and grateful to your loved ones.
Ask questions
Ask questions instead of giving orders. No one in the family likes orders. Do not criticize and accept criticism constructively. Don't forget about praise! Praise the person for every success, even the most modest, and “be sincere in your recognition and generous in your praise.” Be friendly. Remember that your spouse has a right to personal property. Don't let it go to the wind. Strive to “do what is due” as best you can.
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Know how to listen
Suspiciousness destroys love. Make a list of things that concern you, a list of actions you can take, make a decision and take action. Show each other signs of attention and know how to listen. Everything we have is the result of our thoughts. We program ourselves with them. Think positively - life will get better.
In a struggle, men and women lose two, the struggle of egos is not best form relationships between spouses. Don't be vain! Family and work should go together.
Keep yourself busy
Often, too much free time leads to problems. No more free time - read books! From nervous experiences all diseases, in crisis situations stop worrying, face the facts and take action. Work and profession are the best cure for worries.
Improve yourself
Fight your own shortcomings, and if you can’t change them, turn the negatives into positives and be courageous! Learn to love yourself as/as nature created you. Avoid fatigue, relax, and you will look good.
Be happy!
The relationship between a man and a woman is like a fire; if it is not maintained, it will go out, and it is much more difficult to rekindle it than to maintain it.
Dale Carnegie became an educator for many, but in some people’s minds he simply put everything in order. Yes, how much he contributed to the psychology of relationships. A motivational speaker is probably the most appropriate definition of his essence. When you read the books written by him, you understand that everything ingenious is simple!
- No need to find fault!
Really, what can we achieve by constantly nagging? Yes, I agree that there are cases when your partner’s actions cannot fit into your head, but believe me, they are often common and habitual for him, so by eating each other’s brains, as they say, we are slowly but surely moving towards discord in the relationship.
- Don't try to change your partner.
This is a waste of your irreparable nerves and such precious time! If you, like a cuckoo, tell him the same thing, he will soon instinctively develop the ability to let your words fall on deaf ears. I can say one thing, there is a unique alternative to changing your husband to suit your direction, try doing the same thing, probably in this case he will be able to compromise.
- Don't criticize.
I'm speaking from experience, don't do this, especially in front of your friends! By the way, including your family and friends, you will always make peace and all quarrels will pass, but your relatives will remember how this radish offended their little, the best girl))
- Express your sincere gratitude to each other.
Every man is by nature a winner and a spoiler; praise is the highest reward for them. Men, like children, feel sincerity in people, and if this sincerity comes from their beloved, it is doubly pleasant.
- Show each other small signs of attention.
I appeal to men, you can’t even imagine what joy signs of attention bring! This is not limited to gifts given just like that, without any reason, for example, a cup of coffee you brewed especially for her, on the way home from work, you grabbed her favorite sweets, called her mother in front of her, just to find out how she was doing and if she needed any help. Anyway, kiss me goodnight. All these are the little things that make up our life.
- Be careful.
Appeal to mothers, our fathers also need attention and care)
- Read a good book about the sexual side of marriage.
Personally, I agree that the ideal wife is not the one whose husband is well-fed and whose house is clean, the ideal wife should be EVERYTHING for her husband, a friend, a friend, an adviser, a lover.
I wish everyone a happy family life!
