Divorce is a difficult topic, even if both voluntarily and consciously decided on it. It's always unpleasant and painful. It is rare when both partners are happy after such an affair. And if the couple also had children, then the echo of the divorce will echo within for a long time.
Some couples are so tied to each other by their fears and expectations, feelings of guilt and resentment, claims and unhealthy responsibility that their divorce drags on for several years. And so they live with each other, accumulating more and more negative emotions, increasing tension, so that when they eventually get divorced, they no longer experience happiness, but feel enormous fatigue, both physical and emotional.
Or one partner wants to leave, is ready, but the other is not ready, still loves (or is simply very attached), suffers from the upcoming separation and asks for a second (third, fifth or tenth) chance. Tension also accumulates for both, destructive emotions accumulate.
It doesn't matter how you break up. It's always stress and anxiety about the future. For many, this is a blow to self-esteem and self-confidence. And you need to somehow survive this and recover from it.
We always live in relationships. Meeting, getting to know each other, being interested in each other and falling in love. Deepening relationships and passion, merging. Conflict of interest, misunderstanding, quarrels. Parting, breakup, separation. And the last phase is loneliness. Of course, after a conflict it is not necessary to break up, but you can deepen the relationship. I will immediately write about separation and loneliness, when the conflict revealed the impossibility of being together for some reason.
So, you broke up after all. You feel squeezed, empty inside. You are tormented by resentment or guilt, claims and anger. I am tormented by doubts and a lot of “why” questions. Your self-confidence and faith in Love have been shaken. I want them to hug you, feel sorry for you, and tell you that everything will be fine. I would like a wizard to come, wave his wand, and everything will work out for you both in your heart and in your relationships. Or you don’t want anything at all. I want to stay alone, hide from everyone, so as not to touch me.
What should you do to feel the ground under your feet, to restore peace and happiness, self-confidence, in your abilities? How to survive all this, let go and remain whole (whole), so that the heart is light and free, ready to Love and give Love?
First of all, I will say that neither alcohol, nor a new (urgent) relationship, nor a double dose of entertainment or a triple dose of work will help, but will only push back the experience of the entire accumulated burden of emotions to a later date. This way you will only suppress all the pain within yourself, hide it from yourself. And then it will be even worse.
The first thing to do is We go through this in detail at the marathon FALL IN LOVE AGAIN. But in short, you need to forgive your partner and yourself. You need to cry, sob and accept the situation as it is. Accept yourself and the person you broke up with. Stop screwing up and aggravating your condition with thoughts about him (her), reasoning on the topic “how else could it be” or “here I am a loser (loser)”, or “what a goat he is (what a bitch she is)”, etc. . Stop judging him/her or yourself. Stop asking why this happened to me. Accepting the situation means relaxing into what is and beginning to see the resourcefulness of your situation.
Second, since you are left alone, it means Give yourself your full attention. And this is the most positive thing that can ever happen! Until you return to yourself, you should not go into a new relationship. Until you are fulfilled, you simply will have nothing to give in a new relationship. And you can confuse the desire to consume (to be loved and given to you) with Love, and again you will step on the same rake.
You've probably already seen this picture. This is especially common among women. While I was married, I was a gray mouse, confused and inarticulate. As soon as she got divorced, she became prettier and younger, and even slimmer - she simply became a star. Take care of yourself. But not for the sake of new relationships, which will definitely happen. But for their own sake. If you have not had such experience as loneliness (not to be confused with loneliness), then you will see that you have more time for yourself, for self-development. Your energy of attention is now distributed more harmoniously, since it is not spent on many things that you cared about while in a relationship. You will even feel the lightness of freedom.
Oddly enough, problems in relationships help people to know themselves, open up, start creating, and even take the spiritual path. So take advantage of this resource while you can. It's part of recovery and gaining self-confidence. While we are closed to each other, to relationships (especially if they are conflicting), we spend a lot of energy maintaining this system, and there is no time or energy left for self-knowledge and self-development. Especially if the theme of competition and jealousy is strong in the couple. It is difficult to blossom and open up in such relationships. Left alone, you can finally examine yourself, your inner world carefully. Determine what is truly interesting to you, what truly makes you happy and what exactly you want. And most importantly, answer the question: “Who are you?” and “What are you for?”
Here, self-confidence no longer depends on having a partner nearby, it is acquired as you find yourself. And this is worth a lot!
Recovery begins with us relaxing and ends with a feeling of Love that does not depend on anything. And it would be good to understand this and experience it firsthand before jumping into a new relationship. Your new relationship will be the way you come into it. If you come empty, with a load of expectations and claims, with a desire to consume and be filled, with a load of grievances, then the relationship will be like that. And if you come filled with Love and the desire to share freely and increase Love in your heart, then the relationship will be Loving and complete.
As a rule, divorce is a huge stress. It very rarely happens that the parties part quietly and peacefully, without scandals and noisy division of property.
In other cases, both women and men, need the help of a psychologist to survive this difficult time and return to normal life. Moreover, statistics show that every year more and more divorces occur.
In this article we will tell you how to recover after a divorce. Most often, the spouse whose feelings remain deepest experiences the greatest difficulties. It is very difficult for him to come to terms with the idea that he has become unnecessary to his other half. Here, divorce is usually perceived as a betrayal by the closest person.
Finding yourself in such a situation, first of all, you should think less about the past and more about the opportunities that open up. This will make it easier to cope with the loss of a loved one and not become isolated on yourself.
Friends
During this difficult period, their support becomes invaluable. Spend more time with them, visit your relatives more often. Try not to be alone with your thoughts.
Fun is actually contagious, and therefore in this situation it is worth organizing:
- feast;
- company going on a picnic;
- going to a nightclub;
- attending concerts, etc.
At first, of course, it will be difficult to distract yourself from heavy thoughts, but pretty soon everything will get better. Under no circumstances should you “burden” your friends excessively with your problems - this is completely unacceptable. They will simply stop inviting you to get-togethers. It is better to talk about your own experiences with one, most trusted person.
Under no circumstances should you drink alone – it’s not difficult to become an alcoholic.
In the first days after a divorce, it is better not to spend the night at home; the ideal option would be to take trains to another city or to a resort - a carefree life there will quickly return you to a positive mood.
It often happens, however, that after marriage people completely devote themselves to new relationships and break off friendships. After a divorce, the moment comes that is best suited for their restoration. An old friend will always be able to listen to you, and it is the opportunity to speak out that relieves the stress on the psyche.
Otherwise, feel free to entrust all your experiences to the Internet - there are a huge number of thematic forums on its expanses, where people who have experienced a divorce help each other with advice.
Don't do any soul-searching
In this situation, the reasons for the breakup are not important, and therefore it is stupid to look for them. First of all, you are completely incapable of objectively assessing what happened, and therefore such an analysis will not lead to anything good. In general, all people are divided into two categories. The first believe that only they are to blame for the breakdown of the relationship. The latter believe that the problem lies solely with the partner. It should be said that both are wrong.
Thus, it is better to postpone the assessment of the divorce until later, when time will allow you to judge what happened with a greater degree of objectivity.
Forgive and let go
This is much easier said than done, but there is no other option, this is the only way to recover from a divorce.
First of all, you will need to remove from your eyes those objects that remind you of your departed spouse. This is about:
- gifts;
- clothes;
- furniture;
- photographs.
This will allow you not to lose yourself and start thinking about the future.
Psychotherapist consultations
Of course, it will take a long time to recover, but to speed up the process, on the most difficult days, visit a psychotherapist. This kind of measure always helps. A specialist is able to direct your thoughts in the right direction and adjust your mood. It is he who will demonstrate to you that life is not really over and there are still many years ahead. But you just need to allow yourself to be a happy person!
Find a passion
Be sure to rearrange your home, change the curtains, carpet, etc. The new arrangement of furniture will distract you at first because it is unusual, and this is exactly what is necessary. The less you think about your spouse who betrayed you, the sooner you will recover. Many, by the way, advise starting home renovations, even cosmetic ones.
In general, physical activity will help you best now. Go to the country house or to the gym. Tired muscles will make you forget about the divorce and ensure healthy sleep.
The less free time you have during this period, the better. Dedicate more attention to work. Plan your day and stick to your schedule. If it is filled to capacity, then there will be no room left for dark thoughts.
Start thinking about the future as soon as possible. Decide what you would like to achieve and move towards your goal slowly, but without deviating from the path. Very soon you will feel positive changes.
How to survive the first days
Spend one day being sad and crying. Feel sorry for yourself, dissolve in grief. But be prepared for the fact that from midnight you will begin a completely new and interesting life.
To fill the emptiness in your home, get a pet, transfer your love to it and surround it with care. A cat or dog will very quickly make you forget about the divorce.
Since you have gotten rid of many things that reminded you of your past life, you will now need new ones. Without thinking about expenses, go shopping. Buy new ones:
- bed dress;
- washing powder;
- shampoo;
- perfume;
- clothes.
Unusual smells and objects will fill your home and help you quickly forget about the departed.
What a divorced person should not do
Don’t even think about calling your ex-other half - now this is a complete stranger with whom you have nothing in common. From now on, he doesn’t owe you anything, nor do you owe him anything. Even if he offers help for his part, try to refuse, and if you accept, do not take it as a sign of special attention.
Do not allow yourself to speak negatively about your ex-spouse and do not react to his insults - rise above it.
Divorce from a loved one is one of the most difficult stresses for a woman. Whatever it may be, painful or not, this event will not pass without a trace. As a result, there will be certain consequences, and which ones will depend on the woman’s actions in the process of moral restoration.
Just yesterday you were a happy couple, and today your passports have divorce stamps. Even if this process lasted more than one year, and it seems to you that you were ready, it is always very difficult. It’s as if your whole world collapsed overnight, and it’s hard to imagine how to live on, how to survive. I want to hide from reality and just dissolve.
You need to remember that this will not always be the case, sooner or later the pain will subside, after you manage to recover morally after the breakup, another life will begin. You just need to be patient a little. Psychologists believe that the first two months are the hardest. It is in your power to make this period less painful for yourself and get through it faster.
What not to do after a divorce
- Drown your sorrows in alcohol. Usually this behavior is characteristic of men, but women can also choose this method of escaping from reality. Alcohol will worsen an already serious condition. And such behavior can have undesirable consequences - humiliating calls to exes, random relationships, rash actions. Then you will regret what you did, which will only increase your depression and will not help you recover from the divorce.
- Stalking your ex. There is no need to constantly call, beg to return if it was his initiative, put pressure on pity and use common children for your own purposes. Maintain your dignity. Never before have women's tears and hysterics had the desired effect on a man.
- Complain about your ex-husband to close and mutual friends. In a divorce situation, both are always to blame. Speaking negatively about your ex-spouse will not show you in the best light.
- Launch yourself. The house is a mess, the refrigerator is a mess, and you are walking around the apartment in a dirty robe with an unwashed hair. Is this a familiar picture? Put yourself and your home in order, this will significantly improve your state of mind and help you quickly recover from your recent divorce.
- Self-flagellation. Don't blame yourself for what happened. The first time after a breakup, it is better not to engage in introspection at all. Only with the passage of time will you be able to truly evaluate your divorce sensibly and extract the most useful experience from it.
What methods will help you recover quickly?
- Let your emotions out. Don't try to be strong by holding back your feelings. Cry! Cry as long as you can. You can listen to sad music, watch a movie or reminisce. When you realize that you no longer have the strength to cry and worry, it means you are ready to take the next step towards recovery. But don’t drag it out for too long, one day is enough, otherwise you can fall into severe depression.
- Seek help from family and friends. There are always people next to you who are ready to listen and support. Don't isolate yourself. It often happens that a married woman immerses herself in family life and practically ceases contact with the outside world. It's time to build social connections. Gatherings with friends, during which you will cry and laugh, will be beneficial. It will become easier to recover.
- Go on vacation. If your financial capabilities allow, you can go on a trip. New places, new people will help you take your mind off things, and you will return fully strengthened and ready for a new life.
- Play some sports. Movement is life. And sport is an excellent stress therapy. Join a fitness club or dance class. An active lifestyle has a beneficial effect not only on appearance, but also on morale after a divorce. As a bonus, you will get a beautiful and slim body. Will help you lose weight quickly.
- Get rid of the past. Psychologists advise throwing away everything that reminds you of your ex-spouse. Sometimes this step is not easy. All these shared photographs, gifts, cute trinkets bought together are very expensive. If you don’t want to get rid of them completely, at least remove them from your eyes for a while. Someday they will just be a reminder of pleasant moments. But not now. You need to recover.
- Take care of yourself. Now is the best time to update your wardrobe, buy new perfume or... Shopping will distract you from sad thoughts. Looking at yourself, beautiful and renewed, you will understand that a new life is just beginning.
- Find time for a hobby. Think about what you would like to do. Someone discovers their talents as a videographer, someone gets a second higher education, and someone becomes an avid tourist.
Make new acquaintances. As time passes, romantic dates will be beneficial. You will be able to feel beautiful and desired again. You shouldn’t rush into it, do it when you feel that you are mentally ready. - Think about how to build your life further. In addition to emotional worries, a lot of everyday and financial issues arise. Now this side of life will change a lot. If you previously earned good money and were financially independent, it will be easier for you. But if before this you were a housewife raising children, you will have to think about finding a job and placing small children in kindergarten. Think about your education; if you have no work experience, you can always find income using your diploma. Many employers train their employees. Employment centers offer free courses with subsequent employment. Work will drag you into another life and it will become easier to survive the morally old.
Pros of living without marriage
Any event, even the worst one, has its advantages; they will help you recover morally after a divorce.
- Now you don't have to run home after work to cook dinner for your husband. You can go shopping or go to the cinema with a friend.
- The money that is set aside for a joint vacation can be spent on a new wardrobe.
- On weekends, you don’t have to wake up at the crack of dawn to feed your spouse breakfast.
Remember that the end of one thing is the beginning of something new. Having parted with your family nest, you will see that there is a big and wonderful world around. There are so many new and interesting things waiting for you that you simply won’t have time to think about the divorce that has occurred.
Experiencing divorce is a topic with which people come to psychotherapists quite often. Sometimes a specialist will refer a client to a support group where participants who have gone through a painful breakup share stories and support each other. Psychotherapist Terry Gaspar works with adult clients who have experienced divorce and with children who have been traumatized by their parents' divorce. She wrote a book based on the practice and interviews with 320 women who experienced parental divorce as children and grew up with this trauma.
“When a marriage breaks up, it's natural to feel anger, sadness, guilt, regret, and even relief,” writes Terry Gaspard, “Destructive thoughts can take over as you become especially vulnerable as you try to come to terms with changes in your life. It's important to remember that all these feelings are normal."
Most people go through this period of reflection and worry after a divorce. It is therapeutic in itself and necessary for recovery. The problem is that such experiences can “drag” us in, last a long time and ultimately turn into a depressive state, depriving us of the opportunity to move on.
The psychotherapist emphasizes: divorce can be traumatic both for the person being left and for the initiator of the breakup. If the first one experiences negative emotions due to being rejected, then the second one experiences a feeling of guilt. They both have to go through this stage, go through grief.
“As we grieve, we accept the fact that the marriage is over. This is a necessary part of grieving,” explains the therapist. She gives seven tips for getting through divorce.
1. Accept your feelings about the breakup and don't judge yourself.
You have the right to experience absolutely any feelings: anger, fear, guilt. Tears can relieve tension and help the healing process of emotional wounds. Feelings of sadness and sudden tears are normal and may be followed by a feeling of relief.
2. Understand why the relationship ended
It is important to clarify and accept your role in the breakdown of the relationship. You shouldn’t get hung up on these thoughts, but understanding what happened will help you not repeat this scenario in the future, in a new relationship.
3. Exercise and eat right
Do you take care of your physical and emotional well-being? If not, develop a plan. It is necessary to monitor your well-being, exercise regularly, eat a balanced diet, and sleep enough hours. Make self-care a priority.
4. Forgive yourself
Focus on what you can control. The past is beyond your control, but you can begin to let go of the grudge. Try to forgive yourself and your ex - or at least accept his or her behavior. If you succeed, the “offender” will no longer have power over you. A psychotherapist or support groups can help with this difficult task.
5. Try to take an ending relationship as a lesson.
Loss helps us learn a lot about ourselves. Thanks to this, we can enter new relationships with our eyes wide open. Just because your marriage is over doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. Take a break, give yourself a rest.
6. Don't be alone for too long
It may not be easy to be around others at first, but you will have to slowly force yourself to accept invitations to parties. Start with something simple - for example, go to the cinema with a friend.
7. Try something new
Think about something that will force you to step outside of your comfort zone. Learn a new activity, preferably one that is as unique and exciting as possible. And be sure to invite a friend to join you.
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Any woman needs a lot of time to survive and understand what happened.
According to UN statistics for 2011, Russia ranks first in the number of divorces in the world. Every second officially registered marriage breaks up. This means that there are many women who have gone through this test. Similar problems are faced all over the world. You need to understand that divorce is not the end, but a new beginning.
If family life lasted a long time and had emotional and spiritual significance for a person, then an unexpected breakup is always stress, which is experienced as grief.
Women react differently to divorce, but everyone goes through certain stages. The whole sequence of experiences is similar to what people experience after the death of a loved one. In a sense, divorce can be seen as the “death” of the family.
The threads of human relationships cannot be severed overnight, leaving no trace, simply after signing a legal document. It takes months and even years to start living fully again.
Experiences after divorce have several phases. Depending on the phase you are currently in, recommendations from psychologists that correspond to your condition will help. The time frame of the phases is arbitrary, since divorce and the relationships that precede it can be confusing, full of hope and despair, replacing each other. Therefore, some phases may be delayed.
Shock phase
Shock is the initial reaction of any person to grief. The shock usually lasts from a few minutes to several months, but most often it lasts about 10-12 days.
At this time it is not easy to believe at all what happened. For example, you found out about the betrayal, or he announced that he wanted a divorce and left. It’s impossible to even just believe it.
Having friends and loved ones around you can help. If you can tell someone about what happened, express your feelings, maybe cry a lot, you may feel that it has become at least a little easier.
Phase of depression and conscious suffering
On average, this period lasts 8-9 weeks. This is a time of mental tossing and worry, when the feeling of the meaninglessness of life, loneliness, fear and helplessness is fully manifested. A woman left alone after a divorce or breakup with her loved one usually experiences many conflicting feelings.
If you are currently going through this critical period of your life, you are most likely familiar with a variety of feelings that seem to be tangled up in a ball. This is a feeling of guilt for not keeping my husband and not saving the family, and pain, and resentment, and bewilderment. Emotions overwhelm and make it difficult to sort things out. Try to understand and see your experiences from the outside. Friends and family who will be willing to listen to you can help during this period. Try to talk it out, don't keep your feelings to yourself.
Strong feelings are very unproductive. It can become destructive if you dive into it headlong. Psychologists working with people who have experienced divorce have found that mental anguish, as a rule, ends when a person stops blaming only himself for failure and begins to understand that in order to lead a family to collapse, two people are needed.
Don't focus only on your experiences. Remember that there are people around you who are also having a hard time. These are, for example, your children who are having a hard time with what is happening. They need a father they love. Therefore, reassure the children that they will be able to see dad quite often. It is also important, despite your suffering, to begin to make plans for your future life and find support in yourself.
Residual phase
It lasts about a year after the divorce. At this stage, the experience of grief does not dominate; it sometimes appears in the form of small but strong emotional shocks. The reason for them could be a chance meeting with her husband, some events - for example, the first birthday without him, the first new year without her husband.
Another difficulty in experiencing the phase of residual effects after a divorce is that, as a rule, there are quite a lot of reminders of your husband - mutual friends, relatives, the ability to talk on the phone at any time. On the one hand, these are difficult reminders of loss, and on the other, an opportunity to gradually get used to a new relationship. Divorce is complicated because focusing on the husband’s best qualities does not happen often and soon.
Completion phase
It comes in about a year. Now, remembering the breakup, the woman no longer experiences grief, but sadness - a feeling of a completely different nature.
Time heals spiritual wounds. You develop the habit of coping with problems alone and joy if you succeed. Self-esteem is restored. After a year or two, the need for new love arises again.
Psychological work is considered close to completion when you gain hope and the ability to make plans for the future. Unexpectedly, you begin to look forward instead of looking back, and you also realize that obsessive thoughts have stopped - you no longer expect to get your marriage back, you understand that you can live a full life.
Pain gives way to hope. It turns out that life after divorce really exists. Your future appears brighter through the lens of the suffering you have endured.
Tips on how to get over a breakup easier
1.Leaving go!
Don't look for meetings with your ex-husband. Yes, you really want to tell him everything you think about him, find out what it’s like for him without you, and so on. But the fact is that for the first time after breaking up, you simply will not be able to communicate with him without a flurry of emotions and mutual insults, which is fraught with scandals that will not bring anything good and will only add negative experiences.
2. Take action!
Try to immediately change the situation, start taking action. For example, now no one will interfere with remodeling the way you want. You can even start renovations. If, after the divorce, you moved in with your parents, then immediately begin to establish a comfortable life there. The main thing is not to “freeze” yourself, but to act.
3. Excitement won't help
You should not try to survive a divorce by immersing yourself in destructive entertainment. No noisy parties or nightclubs for the first time - it’s better to wait a little. At first glance, it seems that reckless fun will distract you from thoughts about the past, from thoughts about divorce. Perhaps this will really help, but for a very short time, after which depression will come with renewed vigor.
4. Urgently - to the beauty salon!
Take care of your appearance. Do it for yourself simply because you love yourself and can easily pamper yourself with pleasant cosmetic procedures. This will help distract you; in addition, your internal state and external appearance are closely interrelated. Once you lose your shape, it will be difficult to regain it later. Then, in addition to the mental pain associated with divorce, sadness over the blurred figure will be added. But you will need an irresistible appearance when, after going through a divorce, you begin to look for a more worthy man.
5. You can't step into the same river twice
Almost all women, a short time after a divorce, want to get their ex-husband back, forgiving him everything. Resist this urge - first, cool down a little. Only if the persistent desire to return your ex-husband has not disappeared even six months after the divorce, you can try. If the intention to return him has disappeared, then parting for you is only for the good.
6. Wedge with wedge - it doesn’t work!
In the first time after a divorce, try not to have affairs. It is generally accepted that this is the best way out of the situation. However, the romance, started soon after the breakup, is doomed to failure. Having started an affair with a man immediately after a divorce, you will subconsciously compare him with your former lover, begin to find fault and make comments to him, get angry, look for shortcomings in your new partner and get nervous. This dooms any relationship to failure, and upon separation, it will add another serious psychological trauma to you. Which will not only negate attempts to survive the divorce with dignity, but will also aggravate the situation.
7. Healing dream
Healthy sleep helps against all illnesses, including mental trauma. In the early days after a divorce, it is especially important to get enough sleep. The more you sleep, the faster you will restore peace of mind after a breakup.
8. Alcohol is not allowed!
Do not under any circumstances try to drown your grief in alcohol. Alcohol does not so much lift the mood as enhance the existing one. If you're depressed after a breakup, alcohol will make it worse. Even if it is able to cause a short-lived feeling of euphoria, then all the problems will return along with a hangover, which will only worsen the pain.
It has been proven that after a divorce, a woman often faces the real possibility of drinking herself to death, so avoid alcohol three miles away. Don’t destroy yourself and don’t bring joy to your rival (if your husband left you for his mistress, she will only be happy about your problems).
9. Don't blame yourself
If you have children, then there is no need to blame yourself for the fact that they were left by their father - it is not your fault. Children now really need your attention, since divorce is extremely stressful for them too.
Summing up
Going through a divorce is actually not as scary as it seems at first glance. You just need to pull yourself together and not indulge your weaknesses. You shouldn’t withdraw into yourself, sit back and bury yourself ahead of time, deciding that nothing good awaits you anymore.
In a few years, you will not even remember this separation, and perhaps you will laugh at your own experiences. But in order to survive a divorce with dignity, you will have to work on yourself. What kind of person you will be in a few years, what place you will take in life, whether you will find another man - in many ways it depends entirely on you.
Here's a comforting fact for those who are going through the first phases after a divorce: after a while, most women regret that they lost so much precious time in an unsuccessful union and did not file for divorce themselves.
Quote: “Happiness is beneficial for the body, but only grief develops the abilities of the spirit”.
Marcel Proust
